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Weekend Comedy Recap: Comedy, Highway Danger and When Yentas…

This past weekend (Thursday-Sunday) I was at the DC Improv, one of my favorite two clubs in the country (Helium in Philly being the other). Third place is reserved for whoever books me the week I am asked to rank comedy clubs.  I think it might have been my 8th career week working the Improv, but one of the great things about a “career” in stand up comedy is that no matter how familiar or routine it can begin to feel. there is always a chance to be surprises for better and for worse.  I was opening for Clayton English, 2015’s winner of Last Comic Standing, so it was clear the shows were all going to be packed. But as usual with these write ups, let’s start from the beginning

Mission Impossible: Find an affordable hotel in a reputable chain near a Metro Stop during high tourism season in DC

The last few times I have performed in the DC area I think it has been the Summer, which means Congress out of session, swamp ass in full swing and lower rates on hotels.  So I had some sticker shock looking up hotels, realizing that the area hotels coming up in my price range were homeless shelters and 24 Hour McDonald’s bathrooms.  Thankfully, due to the new Silver line on the Metro I was able to secure a nice room at a Residence Inn by Marriot in Tysons Corner, VA. It was 10 stops from the club and only involved 15 minutes of side-of-highway/no sidewalk walking to and from the Metro (please check my instagram at jlcomedy to see a midnight video montage of my walk that my mother called “scary”).  The room was very nice, there were free cookies in the afternoon, a solid breakfast including a waffle iron (the three great equalizers in human history are a) the printing press b) the Internet and c) waffle irons at discount hotel chains) and a Subway nearby for me to eat fresh.  The only problem I had with the hotel was that their front entrance was a magnet for those humungous, fat bees that don’t sting you, but are still scary as hell.  One bumped into my forehead and I think with both have CTE now.

Can’t Sell Merch If People Store Their Coats On Top of It

The shows were all strong for the week, but my merch sales suffered a bit. One reason is that people kept throwing their coats directly on top of my CDs like it was an upstairs bedroom of a house party when going to get pictures with the headliner.  This was almost as embarrassing as the audience member who looked at me and said “sorry, but can you take a picture of us (her and the headliner). Fortunately Clayton is a good dude or just saw horror in my eyes and immediately asked some random person to take the photo.  The jackets on my merch offense (“IN MY CULTURE IT IS A BIG INSULT TO THROW YOUR COAT ON TOP OF A MAN’S LIFE WORK!”)  happened a total of three times (one coat by a young man whose mother then reprimanded him and he immediately picked the coat up, once by an absentminded woman and I was able to snap a pic of it and then the third was technically a purse, but you get the idea), after happening zero times in the previous 12 years and 10 months of me performing stand up. #Blessed

The Joke That Wouldn’t Quite Work and the Group of Yentas Who wouldn’t Shut Up

I did largely tried and true material throughout the weekend, but my bit about why it is a good thing 9/11 didn’t happen in 2016 (the people yelling World Star while filming the towers falling, the people taking selfies and recording it instead of helping or getting help and the 4.9 million blog posts the next day about how it effected ME) fell flat for 3 of the 5 shows (and I did not bother doing it for the Sunday crowd, which was very tight before I even thought about going there).  However, it became the joke that the most people would specifically reference to me after shows to say “I thought it was great.”  But the offense never lasted because I have really fully developed my “If Trump and Bernie were comedians” bit and it really crushes any awkwardness, especially in apolitically minded town like DC.  In other words I used the impressions as such a crutch that they almost didn’t seem like the usual crutch of hacky impersonators. Or I have become what I despise.

But in a week of mostly highlights and oncoming traffic lights (remember by walks at midnight on the side of highways in Tysons Corner?) the lowlight was a no-brainer.  It was after the early Friday show and a group of four Jewish women approached me with the shortest being the most vocal, of course. Here is a summary with some quotes of the 4 minutes I stood with Skanks and the City:

Short Blonde: Are you really half black?

Me: Yes

SB: Really?

Me: Yeah.

SB: Because my friends and I thought you looked like Adam Sandler and Jerry Seinfeld.

Me: Uh Huh.

(Awkward pause)

SB: And they’re both Jewish. So we thought you were Jewish. And we’re all Jewish.

Me: OK.

Skank and the City Member 2: Are you really half black?

Me: Yeah

#2: Really?

Me: Yeah

#2: I want to see a picture

SB and Skank #3: OH DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF YOUR PARENTS?

At this point there was actually a small line of people wanting to take pictures (and maybe buy CDs) from me, so you know they were taking a LONG time if there was a line forming for me. After a few more racial inquiries, they had one of their boyfriends, take a picture. he grabs a phone and says: Are you really half black?

Me: Yeah.

After the first picture he says: OK (to all of us in the picture) Do something goofy!

Me (internally): what is this a wedding photo?

I then glare at the woman next to me for the photo, which got a big laugh from everyone (as intended) except the woman (#2)

#2: Why are you so awkward?

Me: have a nice night everyone (before I join ISIS)

Sunday: No Groupie Night (Girlfriend’s Friends Coming to the Show)

On Sunday I saw a movie with my buddy Ross (Midnight Special – like E.T. without fun or aliens – started promising, overally disappointing) and then went to Mass at St Matthew’s near the Improv (Pope Francis went there when he was in town so I guess I was the 2nd high profile Catholic there this year). Then it was time for the final show of the week, which was special because two of my girlfriend’s friends were coming to watch.  So first I had to update my ho-fan page that Sunday night’s show was off limits and then not have a terrible set.  Mission accomplished!  The friends then gave me a ride to Union Station to catch the final train out of DC that night.  A perfect end to a mostly great week in DC: it started with me on the side of a highway walking and ended with a door to door ride from the club to Amtrak.

And then I got home and my dog peed with excitement on the floor. Like comedy, my dog knows how to deliver just enough bad with something good to make me constantly question my life choices.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Weekend Comedy Recap: Name in Lights, Show in a…

This weekend, the fifth working weekend for me in six weeks, making me feel almost as successful a comedian as Ted Cruz is a presidential candidate, found me in Glens Falls, NY. Interesting thing about Glens Falls, NY – it is where the Class ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ high school basketball championships are held each year. Had my high school basketball team won 1 or  2 more games post season of my senior year we would have played there. Alas, my team sort of sucked (we set a then NYC private school record with 2.5 black players on our team, but unless you are in the 1940s, having half a dozen Jewish kids on your hoops team, especially in the 1990s, is a recipe for mediocrity (insert angry Anti-Defamation league comment about how good the Israeli national team is)), so my trip to Glens Falls would have to wait 19 years.  But if this blog post teaches you anything it is that if you work hard, pursue your dream at the expense of social, emotional and financial well-being, you too can complete your high school dream of performing at the Glens Falls Civic Center in upstate NY. #Blessed #Grinding

The trip began with me taking the PATH train to Hoboken, NJ to meet my ride to Glens Falls. Unfortunately I learned upon arrival that it was Hoboken St Patrick’s Day – a day when Hoboken honors the legacy of Saint Patrick, who was apparently an Irish-American date rapist from Hoboken.  This is always a mess and at 1pm there were lines 60 deep at all three bars within view of the PATH train.  Everyone was wearing green and it looked like a Donald Trump rally – 99.9% white with a few black dudes I felt sorry for.  After observing this for about 25 minutes Dan, the booker and emcee for the show picked me up and we headed to Glens Falls.

The drive was a solid 3:45 with a couple of breaks for snacks and bathrooms.  When we got to Glens Falls I saw my name on the electronic billboard outside, which was a thrill.  As we walked into the Civic Center I saw the hockey arena, where teams play and large acts (like the country singer I had never heard of on the billboard after me) play and then we walked down a stairwell to the banquet rooms where I saw where I would be performing.  With about 2.5 hours to spare I sat in the next banquet room and wrote my next sketch (debuting next week – Trump Penile Enlargement University) and then watched the Jazz game on my computer (Glens Falls Civic Center – A WIFI HOTSPOT – way to go upstate NY).

As I took the stage (I would have video clips but there was no spotlight so I appear shrouded in darkness in the video) I saw that there were three black people and about forty-seven white people. At least 5 men were wearing camouflage.  I was heckled a few times, mostly in the happy/supportive way, but disruptive nonetheless.  But overall, the show went well and I even sold two CDs, to one guy who appeared like he got lost on his way to a Brooklyn vinyl record coffee shop, but decided to stay in town and be their link to what is popular this decade.  He bought two (different albums). The rest of the people told me I had talent and asked me repeatedly if my father was black. Pretty much par for the course for my comedy career.

The drive back was pretty uneventful though I did arrive at the PATH station to literally see the train pull away (half hour wait at that time of night).  I was reassured upon arrival in Hoboken to pass several cop cars at different times going to different locations and then saw an ambulance outside another bar near the PATH.  St Patrick would be proud.  But not as proud as he would be of me for finally making it to Glens Falls, NY.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Road Weekend Comedy Recap: Highs and Buffalos

This weekend I was in Buffalo, NY at Helium Comedy Club featuring for Donnell Rawlings (best known as “Ashy Larry” on Chappelle’s Show).  Like most of my road work the first step is always some needlessly arduous travel.  Enter an 8.5 hour Amtrak trip to Buffalo.  I rail against this (PUN) all the time, but what is with the bare foot phenomenon?  It seems any time anyone in America is on any form of transportation for more than an hour off come the shoes.  Other than walking and texting this has become my biggest social pet peeve.  (Note to Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump & Bernie Sanders – first candidate to propose legislation banning both walking/texting and bare feet on public transportation gets my coveted endorsement).  So after the long trip I arrived in Buffalo and made the mile long walk to my hotel (road gigs for me are as much as about doing whatever it takes to maximize profit as it is about doing comedy, so no unnecessary cabs).  I arrived at my hotel and was pleasantly surprised that Hotwire.com had given me a swank ass hotel for only $83/night (I cannot publicize where I stay beforehand anymore because I have a mentally ill stalker who calls hotels where I am staying at).  The Buffalo Hyatt Regency is probably the nicest hotel I have stayed on the road in some time and you could tell it was nice because it was right next to the Buffalo Convention Center and had a lot of gay employees.

Digital Elevator Panel! #ComedyMogul

The first night of shows was fun and I ended up selling 25 CDs the first night. To put that in perspective – a feature selling 25 CDs on a Thursday show is somewhere between Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 points in a single game and Neil Armstrong walking on the Moon.  Little did I know I would only sell 5 the rest of the weekend.

The next day I was going to walk 4.5 miles to see and review Kung Fu Panda 3 (review here), but about .5 miles into the walk it began snowing pretty heavily so I hopped on a bus that just so happened to be going on a straight line to the theater.  I sat down on the bus and like most public buses in America I cannot fit in the seats. So sitting on a 45 degree angle my knees jutted out , but left plenty of room to get by.  Except for the mentally disturbed man who would get on at the next stop.  He saw me from the front of the bus (I was 2/3 toward the back) and he started warning me “You better move them legs – I am coming back!”  I said “I don’t fit in the seat,”  And he said “you better find a way!”  And then he stood at the front of the bus arguing with the bus driver. I sort of wanted a confrontation because walking around Buffalo had made me feel like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant, but it never materialized.

The Friday shows were both strong, but I only sold 5 CDs after the first show and none after the second.  The real highlight of the day was the vanilla bean cheesecake at TGIFridays that I had near my hotel that afternoon. I highly recommend it if you are near a TGIFridays.  And they make a very solid bacon burger for a chain restaurant.

Saturday was mostly spent with me in my hotel watching Iowa news reports on CNN.  Before my shows I went to Mass at a nearby Church, St Michael’s.  I prayed for three things: my family, people I hate (“those who have trespassed against me”) and to sell some merch.

St Michael’s in Buffalo

Well that night I sold zero CDs.  I guess like people selling stuff at the Temple, Jesus metaphorically turned over my merch table for asking for sales in Church.  After the first show ( I murdered both sold out shows on Saturday) my merch table was placed in possibly the worst place to sell, other than the green room bathroom. Zero foot traffic. Zero. I couldn’t even meet someone to awkwardly reject my CDs.  You miss all the shots you don’t take type shit.

Someone get me an uber to where the people leaving the club actually are so I can sell some shit!

So I drowned my anger in a piece of delicious peanut butter swirl pie (if you are a comedian working any of the Helium clubs – highly recommend).  I sold none on the second show because I left after my set to catch some sleep before my 7 am train back to NYC.  But here is a quick bit from Saturday to show how hard I was killing it:

The next day it was off to Amtrak at 7 am (it began raining halfway through my walk to the station, at which point I raised my arms like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank. Another successful comedy trip. I just had to endure another 8.5 hours of bare feet on Amtrak. And then I got home and my dog Cookie pissed all over the kitchen. #Blessed

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Weekend Comedy Recap: FInally, J-L Has Come Back to…

This weekend took me to Bethlehem, Pennsylvania – birthplace of Jesus Christ and high school football location of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  Well, major events happen in threes, so you can officially add my stand up performance to that historic duo.   I was scheduled to headline a 7pm show at Broadway Social and because of my extensive fan base (consisting almost exclusively of friends from college and law school) I knew I would have 2-10 “fans” in the crowd.  To get to Bethlehem I had to take Transbridge bus line (“I took Transbridge bus to get here, so I guess now buses can identify as whatever they want in this post Kaitlyn Jenner world” was my first joke on stage and it bombed), which is all part of my “Not Even Good Enough For a Greyhound Depot” Comedy Tour of America.  At only 3 hours, the bus ride was not quite long enough to cripple my bum knees, but I still had a limp for about a half hour after arriving in Bethlehem.

When I arrived I was greeted by my buddy Scott, Scott’s brother and a friend of theirs.  It was also confirmed that many years ago I coined a term called “Weinberg” that has become very popular in their circles in Bethlehem.  Like many funny things I have forgotten I told Scott that whenever someone tries to shift blame on someone out of nowhere it is like when Col. Nathan R Jessup in A Few Good Men asks Daniel Caffey who’s going to protect the country, “You (Caffey?)” *turning unexpectedly to Kevin Pollack’s character with a hint of Antisemitism “YOU Lt Weinberrrggg?”  So at some point in my storied career of unpaid humor I referred to someone as totally “Weinberging” someone. And for many years that has become a thing in Bethlehem, PA. #Legend

When we arrived at Broadway Social I saw that it was a pretty nice bar/lounge so I took in the surroundings, went over my notes for what I wanted to do on stage and set up my camera that I lugged from NYC.  After several local comedians went up I went up and had a very strong set.  The lounge had a clear VIP lounge area for private parties or something so it got a huge laugh when I said after a sort of dirty bit got less laughs than others “Oh please we are in a club with a VIP rape room right over there!  So don’t act too uptight when you know that visiting stripper porn stars probably come here to fu*k who ever is the important business man in Bethlehem.”  I was extremely happy with the set and knew that I had at least 2-3 quality YouTube clips ready from the set.  On top of that I also was paid $5 more than the agreed upon payment.  So let that be a lesson to you young comics – if you do things right, work hard and professionally you will reap tremendous, unexpected benefits.

Sometimes your talent and height are too big for a normal spotlight.

After the show I went back with Scott to his house, but his three kids and wife were at the in-laws, which led to two benefits: a late night viewing of John Wick on HBO and a free child’s twin bed for me to sleep in (I think I secretly hoped that Scott’s family would arrive before I woke up just for the potential Goldilocks/Home Alone level humor of a 4 year old finding a giant in his bed.  Of course it probably ends with the child standing his ground and killing me in a perfectly legal shoot (especially considering my black father/ISIS eyebrows), but still pretty funny.

The next morning, before catching the transbus (Its momma named it bus, I’ma call it bus!), I was asked to stand as Godfather to Scott’s youngest child (After Mel Gibson and Stephen Colbert I might be the third most famous Catholic in entertainment).  I then slapped him and told him he should act like a man!  So, just another typical road comedy gig for me – bus travel, lucrative cash bonuses and providing spiritual guidance.  And then I got home and accidentally deleted the set from Friday night. #Blessed

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Weekend Comedy Recap: Casino Normal

I was at the Mohegan Sun in Wilkes Barre, PA this weekend, so I guess my Cal Ripken-esque gig-less streak has been broken, but rest assured I am a fierce competitor and am committed to starting a new streak this week.  I love the Mohegan Sun gig because you always get a great room, and it is like a mini-legit casino (the title is supposed to be a James Bond pun on Casino Royale, since the new Bond film opened this week). The comedy club is nice and I have generally done well so nothing to fret.  I will just give you a few small highlights before sharing some clips of new bits that went well over the weekend (FYI – this is going up on a Sunday because Monday will be the all out blitz for my Trump-Sanders-Obama video – this week’s podcast will go up Wednesday instead of Tuesday:

  • Jokes about every group went well except one: women. Now I made jokes about big women, but this line, that attacked women’s overall role as financial beneficiaries on dates, fell flatter than anything I said all weekend: “Valentine’s Day is sort of weird – in honor of boyfriends and husbands paying for dinner all year, they should pay more money for extra date – that is a weird way of saying thanks to us. I mean do you ask your Mom to cook you an extra special breakfast when it’s Mother’s Day?” – It felt like Daffy Duck following Bugs Bunny on stage. Crickets.
  • Got to earn extra loot by doing a firehouse gig before Saturday’s show.  Took my first Uber ride and despite making 2 wrong turns the guy still asked for a 5 star review.  I was leaning 4 stars, but the guy was an African immigrant living in Donald Trump-loving Pennsylvania country so before he gets shot by police or chased out of town by a mob I figured I could give him a charity 5 stars.
  • Got paid in cash for all my shows and some Uber reimbursement, but still managed to walk by all the tables without plopping it down and seeing if I could leave with headliner money.  So thanks to my caution I still have cell phone, Con Ed and health insurance money for the month. What I am saying is that I am a rock star.
  • OK, so without further adieu here are 3 bits from this weekend that I am very proud of. Hope you enjoy them, share them and subscribe to the channel:
Big Girl Selfies
Magnum Depends

Utility Son

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

 

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Weekend Comedy Recap: Comedy Sharecropping in Connecticut

This past Saturday I had a gig at an Italian restaurant in Connecticut.  To be fair I also had a paid gig at a bar in NYC on Friday so it was basically a cash bonanza for my comedy career.  The Friday gig conflicted with the Utah Jazz- (my favorite hoops team of the last 27 years) NY Knicks game at Madison Square Garden.  The Jazz had lost 9 of their last 10 games at MSG (including the last 6 that I was in attendance for).  Last year I went to the game courtesy of Lorne Michaels’ seats (a writer on an LM show gave them to me because he was unable to go last minute and when an NYC comedian hears Utah Jazz they think of me) and the Jazz lost by about 140 points.  So of course this year I decide to take a $20 spot in NYC and predictably the Jazz won on a buzzer beater in a very exciting game.  Meanwhile at the bar show I was heckled for 20 minutes a cop during my set (the kind of heckler where after the show he/she says “hey man… I am just being me… it’s all good” which is basically what the heckler said).  My main response to him halfway through one of his unsolicited tag suggestions was “Thank you, I will be sure to stop by your station house Monday and offer tips on how to better beat up black teens.”

On Saturday morning it was time to film a new sketch. I had to construct a desk podium the night before, but after filming the sketch I donated it to Ripley-Grier studios. So not only am I a great artist, but I am also a patron of the arts. #Hero

All of this was prelude to the main event: featuring at a restaurant in Danbury, Connecticut.  Not only was there a check at the end of the show, but non-alcoholic beverages were on the house!  However, alcohol and food were full price.  First step was the $27 round trip ticket on Metro North. Upon arriving in Bridgeport it was a $30 cab ride (split with the emcee so only $15 bucks per person #blessed) to the restaurant.  There was a Dunkin Donuts next door to the restaurant so I thought, “Hey I will go to Dunkin Donuts, eat a cheap egg white sandwich and juice for dinner to save my constantly diminishing profit margin!”  But we arrived at 8pm to the restaurant and guess what time DD closed?  8pm. It was like a coherent strategy had been implemented against my financial well being.   So I went inside and ordered a lasagna at the restaurant bar.  As my profit officially dipped into double digit dollars I just instinctively began humming negro spirituals.  Here is a clip of the emcee and I right before our sets:

The sets went really well, but during the headliner’s set I got hungry so I ordered a piece of carrot cake because I knew we would be making a run for the 11:13 train (the last one to NYC for the night) and I did not want to starve on the train home (#HalfWhitePeopleProblems).  So with $1 left in my pocket I got my check and the booker’s wife drove the emcee and I to the Metro North station.  There was no time to sell CDs sadly so I ended up netting slightly less than my monthly Sprint Mobile bill.   I know the sharecropping analogy in the title may seem a stretch, but if the financial realities of a one-nighter don’t convince the reader I was also forced to sit in the comedians-only section of the Metro North train on the way back to NYC.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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LA Comedy Recap Pt 2: Carolla and Cheesecake

Well I am back in NYC after a great and productive week in Los Angeles.  Last blog I gave a thorough recap of Comics Unleashed (hoping the check arrives in the mail this week) but that was only part of the trip.  The next day I was on The Adam Carolla Show for the third time in 2014, which is coincidentally how many times I ate dinner at the cheesecake factory in the three nights I was in LA (a friend is a waitress there, which mean discounts, #blessed).   The appearance went really well (you can listen here) and only one person on the Facebook post wrote “I hate jl” in the comments section.  Now the Carolla producer is in talks with my management (meaning my hotmail account) to have me on as a call in segment, rebooting an old Adam Carolla segment from his television show.  Normally I would not jinx an opportunity like this but a) it is unpaid and b) it is unpaid so what am I really jinxing by telling you before it airs?  So, hopefully this happens and allows me to continue to grow my fan base through the ACS.  Now I am back to submitting for contract legal work to fill in the large gaps in my comedy calendar.  So while that happens here is a pic of better times of myself, Adam and Matt Achity of Rotten Tomatoes:

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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LA Road Comedy Recap Part 1: DJ-L Unleashed

This week I am in Los Angeles for what can only be considered a media blitz by my comedy career’s standards.  Today I record an episode of The Adam Carolla Show (third appearance of the year so I really expect to start seeing the “seriously who the fu*k is this guy and why is he on the show a lot” tweets and Facebook messages) and then tomorrow I fly back to NYC to beg for bar show spots.  This month has really been a peak for me in terms of accomplishing things without management – a successful Last Comic Standing showcase audition, a TV appearance and a repeat appearance on the world’s #1 podcast.  Now if I can just win Last Comic Standing, get 2 or 3 more TV appearances and be Carolla’s replacement when he retires I should finally catch the eye of a manager or agent (did you think I was going to NOT see a negative side to all this?).  Well here is the recap of my trip so far:

I flew out to LA on Delta and paid the extra $100 for the economy comfort seat.  Made a huge difference – it really is amazing to not have my knees bleeding from being embedded in my tray table when I get off of a plane.  I watched Draft Day, the Kevin Costner movie, for free on the flight and actually enjoyed it. Had a corny ending but it was an entertaining way to pass 2 hours on a cross country flight and had many scenes in Cleveland, including filming at the gas station right near the Cleveland Improv comedy condo.

When I arrived in LA I headed to my hotel.  Hotwire.com has been doing good work for me for the last couple of years in getting me good deals on hotels (the trick is you only know the neighborhood and the stars of the hotel, but not the name or exact address).  So I picked a 2.5 star hotel for very cheap within a few miles of Adam Carolla’s studio.  Now when I got word of my hotel, I was disturbed by the name – Safari Inn.  Not a chain. Stupid name.  A sign of a surfboard as their logo as if they misunderstood their own name (Surfari – surf board makes sense, Safari? No sense).  When I actually arrived at the hotel I realized that it was actually a motel.  And near my room they have posters of different Hollywood productions that have filmed at Safari Inn. Among the productions: Prison Break, CSI, True Romance.  In other words Hollywood producers look at my motel and say, “This looks perfect for where fugitives, sex criminals and Mexican standoffs could take place!”  But with less than 24 hours left in my stay in LA I have yet to murder or be murdered. #Blessed

But on to the main event.  On Tuesday afternoon I went to Culver City to record my episode of Comics Unleashed.  Basically what happens on the show is the host, Byron Allen, sits with 4 comics in a talk show setting, but delivers easy set ups for you to deliver your prepared bits.  I had my own trailer with my name on it which was cool.  The show went really well.  One of the bits I was certain would kill had one line fall flat, but several including my last one went really really well and from all of that they will definitely have good stuff to make me look funny when the episode airs.  The most fascinating part of the experience to me was the crowd work.  The crowd was bigger than I expected (probably 4 times the Ferguson crowd) and there was a huge party atmosphere (DJ, hype woman, tons of cheering and dancing, etc) to the point that when I came out with the other comics to take our seats I felt like Drago in Rocky IV entering the ring versus Apollo Creed:

But so far a good trip.  Tomorrow – a recap of the Carolla day (and then a movie review of Gone Girl on Friday).

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Road Comedy Recap: Blood, Dogs and Laughs in North…

This weekend I was in Raleigh, North Carolina performing at Goodnight’s Comedy Club.  It was the typical J-L road comedy adventure (long, cheap travel, awkward accommodations, long walks along highways to stores and of course the usual mix of hugely entertained and awkwardly hostile audience members).  But let’s begin from the beginning.  The shows began at 8pm Thursday and since a flight to Raleigh would vanquish any semblance of profits for me it was time to call in back-up from my mighty stockpile of Amtrak travel points.  I booked the 7 am “Carolinian” which is a manageable 10.5 hours.  Now one of the downsides of the trip is that after that long on a train headed south of Washington, DC you end up smelling like the feet of old black women (which a friend said on Facebook sounds like a Civil Rights Era documentary).  And with a Southern staff manning the train the service was chatty, friendly and of course had us arrive 2 hours late to Raleigh.

With my 3 hour pre-show time cut to one hour I had to race to my deluxe accommodations at the Days Inn (when I arrived I realized there was a problem – I was paying 2 star hotel prices, but getting 1 star accommodations – the answer?  Duke University graduation. So not only did that school cost me money in 2010’s tournament, but they were now costing me money by raising the price of my hotel, which looked like it was usually inhabited by Waingro from Heat right before he murdered prostitutes , to civilized society prices).

I was opening for Iliza Schlesinger (but wait, I thought all the top female comics were at the Women in Comedy Money Grab – er – I mean Festival in Boston????) and when I got to the green room I was greeted by her and her emotional support dog.  It was a small dog and as you can imagine I was highly disturbed by this in theory.  The emcee and I were instructed that the dog could not be alone, so one of us would have to be in the green room keeping it company throughout her sets.   As it turned out though, the dog was very sweet and well behaved (except when Iliza would do her closing bit at which point, like clockwork, the dog would start to whimper and look to the door of the green room anticipating her return.  I am obviously still vehemently opposed to the concept of emotional support  dogs for anyone besides autistic children, but I will give the dog, Blanche, her due – she was a pleasant green room companion.

As for the shows I did solid work.  One of the new bits I am integrating into my set is about the devaluation of the word “empowering” through the story of Belle Knox, the Duke porn dabbler.  And I thought, what better place than 15 miles from Duke to start to make it part of my set.  And on Friday’s late show I stuck the bit, got great crowd response and when I got back to my camera saw that it was recording the wall to the right of the stage.  Someone had bumped the camera and not said anything or made an attempt to fix it.  What’s worse is that when I reviewed this comedy Zapruder film, the bump occurred literally 10 seconds before the bit began (which was 15 minutes into my set).  Obviously I suspect Belle Knox – the timing was too perfect to be coincidence.

Of course this was a J-L Cauvin comedy road trip so it could not be all good news.  For the second time in under a year I stayed in a room where blood was found on the fresh bed sheets (the La Quinta Inn in New Haven looked more like a Kardashian was having a heavy flow day, whereas at the Days Inn it looked more like someone had merely squeezed a zit in a corner of the sheet – so a real upgrade in class for me).  And I had to do document review work for half the train ride down and all day Friday before the Friday shows.   On top of all that the comedy club is located right next to a prison.  I only mention it because next time I might commit a few small misdemeanors in town so I can get an upgrade from the Days Inn (yes, I am a former prosecutor and I know that I would not spend a night in a prison as a result of an arrest).

Among the real highlights of the trip was getting a visit from The Black Guy Who Tips, his wife and a few of their friends to the Friday late show, continuing my new tradition of making friends on-line through comedy and podcasting and then meeting them in person a year later (talking to you Rob and Joe show).  The other good feeling was that the emcee and an audience member knew my YouTube work (the tweet Saturday night of “Just put it together that I saw Alt Wolf/Louis CK tonight” was something so cool I almost smiled).  And for any comics travelling to Raleigh the brownie sundae at the club Is hands down the best dessert I’ve ever had at a comedy club.

So as I head back to day job world today (after a ride north on Amtrak yesterday next to two meth heads from Boston and their meth princess describing different beatings they have given people) I would like to leave you with my favorite exchange from the weekend (other than when Iliza told me and the emcee, who was also 6’7”, that she felt safe… and skinny around us – I fought the urge to punt her dog like Jack Black punted Baxter in Anchorman). So here is the chat I had with some folks after the late show Saturday:

Nice guy: You aren’t really taking Amtrak home right. You have your plane ticket I’m sure.

Me: (pulls Amtrak ticket out of wallet and shows to him)

NG: Oh, I thought you just made that up!

Me: Nope

NG: But you must make some good money doing this – got to be like $500 a show, right?

Me: (Laughing/Crying maniacally)

NG: But you are chasing your dream. That must feel great.

Me: Laughing/Crying on the floor like Walter White in the episode of Breaking Bad when all his money is gone and he thinks Gus Fring is going to kill him.

I feel like every exchange I have with potential fans just turns into the Jake Taylor scene from Major League:

 

Woman: I’ve heard ball players make a lot of money.

Jake Taylor: Depends on how good you are.

Woman: Well how good are you?

Jake Taylor: I make the league minimum.

Catch me hosting shows for the Laughing Devil Festival in NYC this week (or reviewing documents in Midtown Manhattan).  Thanks for a fun weekend Raleigh.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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Road Comedy Recap: Mohegan Sun Casino – Always Bet…

This past weekend I was performing at the Mohegan Sun Casino in Wilkes-Barre, PA (normally I post my comedy recaps on Monday, but had to bump up this week’s Oscar recap podcast to Monday).  I always love doing casino gigs. Not because they are always great crowds, but because even the weirdest, crappiest (pun intended), in the middle of nowhere casino still has a standard level of accommodations that shame almost all other road comedy accommodations.  It is a sliding scale of trade offs that comedians often have to do: Hey this club is great (no room); hey this club is really good (semen stained comedy condo accommodations); hey this club sucks! (can’t wait to be back because you put me up in a Hampton Inn and I am desperate for money). But casinos are always a win, no matter how good or bad the crowds are (the crowds were solid at MSWB, so this is not a tease to some nightmare story from the weekend).  So here is the recap:

The Bus

I took the Martz Trailways bus to Wilkes-Barre.  Always a good sign when Greyhound tells a town, “No, we are either to scared to travel to your town or your town is too insignificant for Greyhound to service.”  The bus trip was uneventful, but the Martz Trailways bus depot in Wilkes-Barre was anything but uneventful.  It made the average crowd at NYC’s Port Authority Bus Terminal  look like the cast of Downton Abbey.  It looked like the people from The Hills Have Eyes had had an orgy of unprotected sex a few decades ago with the zombies from The Walking Dead.  The kind of sad that makes you feel sorry for some of the people if you were not also simultaneously frightened.

The Casino

The casino was really really nice (other than the stream of tobacco entering my lungs).  All the accommodations were great, the buffet was delicious (though I did flaunt my comedy wealth by eating at Johnny Rockets one night), but rather than tell you here are some pics of some of the highlights:

My TV at the Mohegan Sun heard I was on my way.

 

No more paper signs for Mohegan Sun! Now room service can ignore an electronic do not disturb signal.

 

The diner next to the casino was delicious. And made for people 6'3" and shorter.

 

When you sell 2 CDs the night before what else do you do besides spend that money immediately on room service breakfast?

The Shows

The first show on Friday was solid. Sold zero CDs, but delivered at least 40 firm handshakes after the show.  I was still feeling the effects of a cold and was a little lower energy than normal, but I still, like any veteran entertainer, blame the crowd for me not selling well.  Crowd was good though.  The second show (Saturday) though was a full house (450 versus show #1’s 150) and was great.  Other than the woman who kept muttering possible hate speech about President Obama before I did my impression they were a great crowd, as evidenced by the two CDs I sold after the show. That is an increase of INFINITE percent over the zero I sold on show 1.  Then I was paid cash by the club and managed to walk by all the tables without losing any of the money before leaving the casino the next morning. #Hero

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!