It has been several years since I attended any comedy festival and 10 years since I made a good, but failed run at the Boston Comedy Festival. But in the “hope springs eternal” mindset that rests beneath numerous layers of “fu*k this sh*t” I entered the Boston Comedy Festival again this year. My mindset was fairly practical in entering. The prize for the winner was $10,000. With 96 competitors I figured odds were in my favor (imagine buying a $600 lottery ticket – train and hotel fare – but your odds of winning $10,000 was 1 in 96 – but really much better than that based on experience) so I entered. Also, a much less important factor I figured was with most comics of my comedy generation either finding success or permanent obscurity it was time for me to meet the next group of comedians who might pass me by in the next five years. Either way I figured there were enough reasons to give it a shot.
So after spending several hundred dollars I went to my preliminary round Thursday night and had a really good set. And then at the end of the show when the comedians going on to the semi finals were announced I figured I was definitely in the top 5. And I may have been right, but I was not in the top 3, which was the number of comics advancing. And just like that I felt like Scatman Crothers from the Shining. I had gotten on my Snowcat (Amtrak) and traveled many miles to show up to save the day, only to have a comedy contest ax buried in my chest. But like many things in comedy, I am calloused at this point to where I can just sort of shrug it off in a few minutes (by contrast losing in the semi finals in 2006 took me… oh wait I am still not over that robbery). Silver lining 2 of the 3 comics that made the semis from my prelim also made the finals, meaning that we had a disproportionate number of finalists. The system really is rigged!
I spent the next day at the movie theater (movies and movie snacks are my alcohol) and saw Arrival (thoughtful and solid) and Magical Harry Potter Beast Creatures Movie (decent escapism, but not sure I need it to be a five movie franchise, which is what they have planned). And then, thanks to my friend comedian Jay Nog I got a spot on his Paid or Pain show as part of the festival. The show is unique, but simple: comedians perform and the audience decides if they get paid or pain (delivered by a dominatrix – on this show a latex clad busty woman – my favorite thing on the show, other than my own humor, was seeing the comedians on the lineup talk to her in the green room like she didn’t look like a porn star – my conversation with her would have been “Did you order a pizza? Something wrong with your cable? Plumbing? Are we gonna fu*k or what??”). I was one of the two judges on the show offering witty criticism and commentary on the show and the performers. Other than the aforementioned dominatrix I think it would be safe to say my Trump impression stole the show. I spent the last 20 minutes speaking as Trump only, including what Trump would want from a dominatrix (“I would want Ivanka in the room because she is very hot and I would want the dominatrix to be dehydrated so when she peed on me it was a strong Trump gold color”). I think the show will air on Sirius XM at some point – I will tweet/share the details if I get them.
After the show I had a couple of comedians and audience members tell me that I should audition for SNL. It was a nice compliment and I will get on that as soon as I find a way to make it to the semi finals of a comedy contest.
Get J-L’s new stand up albums KEEP MY ENEMIES CLOSER & ISRAELI TORTOISE on iTunes, Amazon & Google.
So this past week I was performing in Cleveland, Ohio, one of my favorite cities and one of my three potential permanent residences within the next 18 months (the options are A) New York – because if it is broken, why bother to fix it; B) LA – because there are more opportunities for industry to ignore me or C) Cleveland – because I like it, it’s cheap and the only worse thing than wasting 13 years of your life doing comedy is to do it for another 13, so might as well pack it in and enjoy as much real estate as your money can afford). The week was chock full of adventures, discoveries and fun so might as well get into it.
13 Hours on Amtrak
Considering the fact that I have been very busy this year with full time legal work, triple the amount of road work I had all of 2015 within the first 3 1/2 months of 2016 (a good thing, but also shows just how terrible my 2015 was) and a new dog stressing me out occasionally, I have not had a lot of time or energy to do anything with my girlfriend besides Netflix and Pass Out. So I figured I would book some emcee work in Cleveland and make it a 4 day trip. Not knowing if the feature would be using the comedy condo (of course once I paid for 4 nights in a hotel, the JLComedy Law* is that the condo would go unused by the feature, which it did) I booked a Comfort Inn in downtown Cleveland for a rate so cheap on Hotwire.com that I assumed a disaster loomed.
*JLComedy Law is like Murphy’s Law, except only half Irish and a lot worse when applied to trying to turn a profit from comedy endeavors.
I also convinced my girlfriend to take the 12.5 hour Amtrak ride from NYC to Cleveland (at the convenient time of 3:30pm, arriving in Cleveland at 3:27 am), because it is a “nice ride” and “quite cheap.” Let me put it to you this way – if you have a chick who does this with you and doesn’t complain she is not only a ride or die chick, she is potentially a ride AND die chick (two seats behind us for the second half of the train trip was a man with more than half his face and neck tattooed – the 4 types of people who take Amtrak more than 6 hours are 1) felons 2) illegal immigrants 3) morbidly obese 4) overly qualified comedy emcees) .
I looked up the Comfort Inn before leaving work and noticed that several of the pictures featured rooms with 2 double beds, as well as tube TVs (or as the headliner I would soon meet, Tone Bell put it, “the TVs with the asses” so I figured I may have gotten a hot rate of 50% off the room rate, but it still might feel like I got robbed. This was running through my mind as we traveled all the way North through northern and then western New York. We lost time in Albany so the train could change engines there (from electric to diesel or something like that) because our train industry is still stuck in different era. We ended up arriving in Cleveland at 4:05 am feeling like human experiments at the CDC. We made our way into the Comfort Inn and were greeted by a friendly, heavy set black woman, straight out of central casting, who saw us with out bags making it through the doors and began asking our names while still struggling with the suitcases in the doorway. To her credit she never gave us any eye contact during our entire exchange, so I applaud her commitment to the character.
Dawn at the Comfort Inn and the Cleveland St. Law School in downtown Cleveland
God Bless The GOP Convention
When we made it to our floor we noticed that the carpet on our half of the floor was new and when we got into our room it had a king sized bed, a newly furnished bathroom and a flat screen TV!! We then passed out for a healthy 4 hours of Amtrak filth covered sleep, breathing in the Subway bread air that penetrated the room since we were directly above a Subway restaurant. #BreatheFresh
As it turned out, this hotel was clearly undergoing renovations for the rush of taxphobic whores, religious nuts and Klan members that will descend upon Cleveland in July for the GOP Convention. For the hell of it I looked up hotels the week of the convention. Hotels.com reported 167 hotels WITHOUT availability that week and the only hotel within 15 miles of the city center with availability was a 2 star hotel charging $340 a night. This same hotel’s rate next week, for point of comparison? $96. So perhaps if the convention were taking place elsewhere I would have been sleeping in a semen stained, TV with ass-having room filled with police caution tape, but thanks to the GOP I stayed in a 2 star hotel with 3.5 star upgrades.
The Sights
Needless to say, my girlfriend and I spent our first day in Cleveland at the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. I am a member of the museum (a guest and I can get into the museum for free for the next 4 years thanks to my generous donation #PatronOfTheArtsMogul and I get 10% off all purchases #ComedyMogul) so we walked in and I got a member wrist band, while my girlfriend was given a wristband for non-members. #MembershipMogul
The next day we went to a new restaurant at the Westin hotel (where staff followed us around because they could smell Comfort Inn/Subway on our clothing) called Urban Farmer (it’s theme is a black farmer called Ol’ DaeMcDonald) and it was delicious! My girlfriend made it her business to force me out of my usual shitty routine of chain restaurants by becoming a human Fodor’s guide to Cleveland. The food was great (and she let me off the hook by choosing lunch – dinner prices were like NY Steak House prices, but lunch prices were like Cleveland lunch prices). We then saw The Jungle Book, which I reviewed in beautiful (and windy) downtown Cleveland:
The next day (Saturday), my girlfriend’s last day in town, we went bowling on E. 4th Street, which is sort of the hip/hipster area of town with several new restaurants. We bowled (I racked up a career high 148 in one game – not too bad for someone who has bowled less than 10 times in his life and never more than once in a two year period) and then left for an early dinner. We tried to eat at a brand new bar-b-q restaurant, recently opened up by one of the 377 celebrity chefs on TV, but the wait was 1 hour and 45 minutes… at 430pm. So we went across to a restaurant that looked promising, despite the communal tables, which always spell some horeshit dining “experience” gimmick. The restaurant’s food was tasty, but they promised family style. Well, when we sat down our waitress told us that it was tapas style. I asked her if I looked like a trendy bitch from Manhattan because I came in here for Midwestern family style, not big city skank tapas! She recommended we order several things which we did, only to realize that Midwestern tapas doesn’t really mean many small dishes; it means many large dishes. But I learned a valuable lesson in food marketing – if you call something pizza you can charge $10, but if you call it a “flatbread” you can charge $14.
A picture of me in front of the Cleveland Convention Center, before Cruz and Trump supporters burn it down in July
The Shows: Work Work Work and a Killer Headliner
Emceeing shows at the Cleveland Improv is work. It is not always fun. It is not always comedy. But it is always work. You are competing with 10% of the crowd coming late, 33% of the crowd talking for half your set, etc. Your job is not to warm them up, but to gather their attention. It is basically like a combination of being Jesus Christ on the cross while telling a Black Lives Matter rally to disperse: sacrificial and unwanted. Well, as of this writing (Sunday evening before the final show) I have had 4 good sets and one horror show (I am talking to you late show Friday), which I consider a huge win/upset. And, instead of looking at the week as a massive loss of money for comedy work, I have framed it as a mini vacation where the Cleveland Improv is paying for me and my girlfriend’s hotel. Glass half full sort of thinking.
But the real revelation for me this weekend was the headliner Tone Bell.
When you see a name that you are not too familiar with you can make several assumptions. Maybe this guy is just some rising MTV type star with great PR and a mediocre act. Or maybe he is a niche, urban act who has not crossed over (he is black). Or maybe he is a really good comic who is under the radar. Well I didn’t know what to expect, but the dude is hilarious. He is an Atlanta-born comedian and he flows easily with urban vernacular, but doesn’t present the animated delivery found frequently at clubs like the Cleveland Improv. He walks a middle line, not with middle of the road mediocre comedy, but in terms of his delivery and sensibility. He legitimately had me LOL-ing for most of his set, as well as quoting his jokes throughout the weekend to my girlfriend. For all of you who paint me unfairly with the “hater” brush, you will at least take my praise of him seriously. But the guy’s potential for breakout stardom had me thinking of Gary Owen and Sebastian Maniscalco. Not his style, but his potential to have broad appeal at the comedy club level (he is already a working actor). So if you see Tone Bell coming to a city near you I give it the official Righteous Prick recommendation.
While at the club I also got to bid a potential Cleveland farewell to Lee Herlands, my favorite club manager in the country. He will be leaving Cleveland for the east coast, but rather than explain why I am a fan of his, feel free to check out one of my favorite podcast episodes of all time when I chatted with him in 2014.
So it is time to head to the club for the final show of the week before I hop on my 5:50 am train back to NYC on Monday morning, but I hope to be back in Cleveland soon. Maybe for a lot longer than 4 days. And in case you are wondering, my pup Cookie is in the care of a friend of my girlfriend and she is already taking ass shots like a teenage girl from the Bronx without my strong paternal influence over her:
Cookie, you are too young to pose for photos like that!
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
On Thursday of last week I travelled to Columbus, Ohio to audition for feature work at the Columbus Funny Bone. Any comedian who has ever attempted to work the road should be familiar with the club. The manager there books feature work for 15 A clubs around the country so it is an important stop for people who want to get a lot of road work (and don’t have a manager, agent AND still believe in the antiquated philosophy that performing comedy is the best way to establish a career in comedy). This was actually my third time auditioning at the club since 2007, so I think a brief chronology of how I found myself at the Easton Mall in Columbus, Ohio on April 7, 2016 is in order.
2007: Not Ready
In 2007 I went to the Columbus Funny Bone for the 2nd time. The first time was as an audience member several years later to watch Greg Giraldo, a birthday present from my college girlfriend who was attending OSU Medical School while I was at Georgetown Law. Well, in 2007 it was time for another lawyer-comedian whose career would eventually die to take the stage. I had lots of material, but had not actually performed a 30 minute set yet. So like a human centipede version of my bringer sets I simply stitched together 3 ten minutes sets together. The result was an uneven, poorly paced set, with some good laughs, but overall somewhat incompetent. On that same show was NYC comedian Keith Alberstadt and I saw that he was much more comfortable with the time. When I met the manager after the show to receive my $50 for the gig, he specifically singled out Keith as someone who did get passed because he seemed ready. In a rare moment of humility (but I am never above being humbled, just not falsely) I was in complete agreement. So for 2+ years I worked on getting some road work at C and B rooms and doing lots of time in NYC. And like Rocky I may have lost the first installment, but I learned a lot and came back ready to win in the sequel…
2009: Of Course I Got Passed
When I made my way out to Columbus in 2009 I was armed with a lot more confidence and I got passed. The best feeling was that I knew it before I spoke with the manager because I had killed. I got my $50 and was told to look for work in 2010.
2010-2015: Good Start and then Screwed by Children of the Corn
In 2010 I worked the Hartford Funny Bone and the Toledo Funny Bone. Killed both weeks. I then got an unsolicited e-mail from the manager saying that he had received great feedback on me and I was being bumped up his list. I figured that had to be a good thing. For 2011 I got booked at Hartford again, the Huntington, West Virginia Funny Bone and the Des Moines Funny Bone. The Hartford week went great, but in a moment that was indicative of the general luck of my comedy career, the West Virginia club closed before I could work there (my career is like The Nothing in The Neverending Story). Then came the Des Moines Funny Bone. The gig started well – I was opening for Jim Short, an Australian comic I had met a few years earlier at the San Francisco Comedy Competition. So paired with a funny headliner who was fun to hang with (when he spilled popcorn at a movie, his rage was one of the funniest things of the entire week) the week was going well, though I was not killing like I had at the other clubs (but can you completely trust the sense of humor of a state that over the course of my comedy career has selected Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz in their caucuses?). And then I closed my final set with my communications with an attempted groupie in Iowa:
When I left Iowa I felt pretty good. Sold some merchandise, avoided cheating on my girlfriend (watch the video so you get this joke – not actually treating fidelity like an accomplishment). Little did I know I would not be booked as a feature again from that March week in 2011.
2016: Don’t Call It a Comeback. Seriously, don’t. I Was Already Passed Here.
Since 2013 I have volunteered to re-audition (around 10 years into comedy is when pride and dignity are completely beat out of you if all you have is your Hotmail account booking you on gigs). It took over two years to get back on (granted for a while the manager was not re-auditioning and then the club underwent massive renovations (it looks really terrific now), but on April 7, 2016 I made it back. I had a pre-show meal at the Cheesecake Factory (after the usual sprint across a freeway that are commonplace for my road work trips – WE ARE A FAT NATION BECAUSE THE MIDDLE STATES DONT BELIEVE IN SIDEWALKS) and then got ready to perform. I was the first to the green room, but then I was greeted by Miguel Dalmau, a NYC-turned-Indianapolis comedian and a comedian from Florida (who promptly dropped 3 names of headliners he works with, perhaps just nerves or conversation, but it felt like he had spent too much time in LA), both of whom were auditioning.
All sets went well (the crowd was a pretty easy laugh) and I was re-passed? The manager informed me that, although he didn’t recall (I told him, that’s ok – you have to keep track of hundreds of comedians; I just keep track of one), I must have received bad reviews at a club. I said “Des Moines, 2011.” I then received my $50 $25 for the gig and spent it on popcorn, water and a ticket to Hardcore Henry, an atrocious action movie which is reviewed on this site on the movie review page. Because no matter how good or productive a comedy trip is, I always like it to end poorly.
Epilogue: Accela Train Blues
On Friday I had an 11:05 am flight out of Columbus to BWI and then an Amtrak ticket from BWI to NYC. The reasons I do this are as follows:
Most trips to Ohio from NYC are on small planes. I don’t fit well on small planes and I hate how they have turbulence, even on clear sky days.
Southwest, which flies to all the Ohio cities I perform in, use 737s, which are solid sized planes.
But Southwest only goes to Columbus via Chicago if leaving LaGuardia and
I have a lot of Amtrak points so
I take Amtrak to and from BWI and Southwest to and from Ohio out of BWI
Well, I woke up in my Extended Stay hotel on Friday morning and saw that my plane was delayed 80 minutes, which is exactly the window I left myself to get to the 1:30pm poor people Amtrak. When I called Amtrak to change trains, the only train available after that for many hours was the 3:20 Accela (the rich people train) for a healthy $160 add on. So for anyone who wants a tally – that’s $190 on airfare, $160 on train fare, $100 on hotel, $35 on salmon and cheesecake, $25 on Hardcore Henry, $30 on Columbus cab fares and $25 in comedy pay. So for -$515.00 I was able to turn the clock back to 2009. Pretty cheap for time travel!
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
This past weekend (Thursday-Sunday) I was at the DC Improv, one of my favorite two clubs in the country (Helium in Philly being the other). Third place is reserved for whoever books me the week I am asked to rank comedy clubs. I think it might have been my 8th career week working the Improv, but one of the great things about a “career” in stand up comedy is that no matter how familiar or routine it can begin to feel. there is always a chance to be surprises for better and for worse. I was opening for Clayton English, 2015’s winner of Last Comic Standing, so it was clear the shows were all going to be packed. But as usual with these write ups, let’s start from the beginning
Mission Impossible: Find an affordable hotel in a reputable chain near a Metro Stop during high tourism season in DC
The last few times I have performed in the DC area I think it has been the Summer, which means Congress out of session, swamp ass in full swing and lower rates on hotels. So I had some sticker shock looking up hotels, realizing that the area hotels coming up in my price range were homeless shelters and 24 Hour McDonald’s bathrooms. Thankfully, due to the new Silver line on the Metro I was able to secure a nice room at a Residence Inn by Marriot in Tysons Corner, VA. It was 10 stops from the club and only involved 15 minutes of side-of-highway/no sidewalk walking to and from the Metro (please check my instagram at jlcomedy to see a midnight video montage of my walk that my mother called “scary”). The room was very nice, there were free cookies in the afternoon, a solid breakfast including a waffle iron (the three great equalizers in human history are a) the printing press b) the Internet and c) waffle irons at discount hotel chains) and a Subway nearby for me to eat fresh. The only problem I had with the hotel was that their front entrance was a magnet for those humungous, fat bees that don’t sting you, but are still scary as hell. One bumped into my forehead and I think with both have CTE now.
Can’t Sell Merch If People Store Their Coats On Top of It
The shows were all strong for the week, but my merch sales suffered a bit. One reason is that people kept throwing their coats directly on top of my CDs like it was an upstairs bedroom of a house party when going to get pictures with the headliner. This was almost as embarrassing as the audience member who looked at me and said “sorry, but can you take a picture of us (her and the headliner). Fortunately Clayton is a good dude or just saw horror in my eyes and immediately asked some random person to take the photo. The jackets on my merch offense (“IN MY CULTURE IT IS A BIG INSULT TO THROW YOUR COAT ON TOP OF A MAN’S LIFE WORK!”) happened a total of three times (one coat by a young man whose mother then reprimanded him and he immediately picked the coat up, once by an absentminded woman and I was able to snap a pic of it and then the third was technically a purse, but you get the idea), after happening zero times in the previous 12 years and 10 months of me performing stand up. #Blessed
The Joke That Wouldn’t Quite Work and the Group of Yentas Who wouldn’t Shut Up
I did largely tried and true material throughout the weekend, but my bit about why it is a good thing 9/11 didn’t happen in 2016 (the people yelling World Star while filming the towers falling, the people taking selfies and recording it instead of helping or getting help and the 4.9 million blog posts the next day about how it effected ME) fell flat for 3 of the 5 shows (and I did not bother doing it for the Sunday crowd, which was very tight before I even thought about going there). However, it became the joke that the most people would specifically reference to me after shows to say “I thought it was great.” But the offense never lasted because I have really fully developed my “If Trump and Bernie were comedians” bit and it really crushes any awkwardness, especially in apolitically minded town like DC. In other words I used the impressions as such a crutch that they almost didn’t seem like the usual crutch of hacky impersonators. Or I have become what I despise.
But in a week of mostly highlights and oncoming traffic lights (remember by walks at midnight on the side of highways in Tysons Corner?) the lowlight was a no-brainer. It was after the early Friday show and a group of four Jewish women approached me with the shortest being the most vocal, of course. Here is a summary with some quotes of the 4 minutes I stood with Skanks and the City:
Short Blonde: Are you really half black?
Me: Yes
SB: Really?
Me: Yeah.
SB: Because my friends and I thought you looked like Adam Sandler and Jerry Seinfeld.
Me: Uh Huh.
(Awkward pause)
SB: And they’re both Jewish. So we thought you were Jewish. And we’re all Jewish.
Me: OK.
Skank and the City Member 2: Are you really half black?
Me: Yeah
#2: Really?
Me: Yeah
#2: I want to see a picture
SB and Skank #3: OH DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF YOUR PARENTS?
At this point there was actually a small line of people wanting to take pictures (and maybe buy CDs) from me, so you know they were taking a LONG time if there was a line forming for me. After a few more racial inquiries, they had one of their boyfriends, take a picture. he grabs a phone and says: Are you really half black?
Me: Yeah.
After the first picture he says: OK (to all of us in the picture) Do something goofy!
Me (internally): what is this a wedding photo?
I then glare at the woman next to me for the photo, which got a big laugh from everyone (as intended) except the woman (#2)
#2: Why are you so awkward?
Me: have a nice night everyone (before I join ISIS)
Sunday: No Groupie Night (Girlfriend’s Friends Coming to the Show)
On Sunday I saw a movie with my buddy Ross (Midnight Special – like E.T. without fun or aliens – started promising, overally disappointing) and then went to Mass at St Matthew’s near the Improv (Pope Francis went there when he was in town so I guess I was the 2nd high profile Catholic there this year). Then it was time for the final show of the week, which was special because two of my girlfriend’s friends were coming to watch. So first I had to update my ho-fan page that Sunday night’s show was off limits and then not have a terrible set. Mission accomplished! The friends then gave me a ride to Union Station to catch the final train out of DC that night. A perfect end to a mostly great week in DC: it started with me on the side of a highway walking and ended with a door to door ride from the club to Amtrak.
And then I got home and my dog peed with excitement on the floor. Like comedy, my dog knows how to deliver just enough bad with something good to make me constantly question my life choices.
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
This weekend, the fifth working weekend for me in six weeks, making me feel almost as successful a comedian as Ted Cruz is a presidential candidate, found me in Glens Falls, NY. Interesting thing about Glens Falls, NY – it is where the Class ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ high school basketball championships are held each year. Had my high school basketball team won 1 or 2 more games post season of my senior year we would have played there. Alas, my team sort of sucked (we set a then NYC private school record with 2.5 black players on our team, but unless you are in the 1940s, having half a dozen Jewish kids on your hoops team, especially in the 1990s, is a recipe for mediocrity (insert angry Anti-Defamation league comment about how good the Israeli national team is)), so my trip to Glens Falls would have to wait 19 years. But if this blog post teaches you anything it is that if you work hard, pursue your dream at the expense of social, emotional and financial well-being, you too can complete your high school dream of performing at the Glens Falls Civic Center in upstate NY. #Blessed #Grinding
The trip began with me taking the PATH train to Hoboken, NJ to meet my ride to Glens Falls. Unfortunately I learned upon arrival that it was Hoboken St Patrick’s Day – a day when Hoboken honors the legacy of Saint Patrick, who was apparently an Irish-American date rapist from Hoboken. This is always a mess and at 1pm there were lines 60 deep at all three bars within view of the PATH train. Everyone was wearing green and it looked like a Donald Trump rally – 99.9% white with a few black dudes I felt sorry for. After observing this for about 25 minutes Dan, the booker and emcee for the show picked me up and we headed to Glens Falls.
The drive was a solid 3:45 with a couple of breaks for snacks and bathrooms. When we got to Glens Falls I saw my name on the electronic billboard outside, which was a thrill. As we walked into the Civic Center I saw the hockey arena, where teams play and large acts (like the country singer I had never heard of on the billboard after me) play and then we walked down a stairwell to the banquet rooms where I saw where I would be performing. With about 2.5 hours to spare I sat in the next banquet room and wrote my next sketch (debuting next week – Trump Penile Enlargement University) and then watched the Jazz game on my computer (Glens Falls Civic Center – A WIFI HOTSPOT – way to go upstate NY).
As I took the stage (I would have video clips but there was no spotlight so I appear shrouded in darkness in the video) I saw that there were three black people and about forty-seven white people. At least 5 men were wearing camouflage. I was heckled a few times, mostly in the happy/supportive way, but disruptive nonetheless. But overall, the show went well and I even sold two CDs, to one guy who appeared like he got lost on his way to a Brooklyn vinyl record coffee shop, but decided to stay in town and be their link to what is popular this decade. He bought two (different albums). The rest of the people told me I had talent and asked me repeatedly if my father was black. Pretty much par for the course for my comedy career.
The drive back was pretty uneventful though I did arrive at the PATH station to literally see the train pull away (half hour wait at that time of night). I was reassured upon arrival in Hoboken to pass several cop cars at different times going to different locations and then saw an ambulance outside another bar near the PATH. St Patrick would be proud. But not as proud as he would be of me for finally making it to Glens Falls, NY.
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
This weekend I was in Buffalo, NY at Helium Comedy Club featuring for Donnell Rawlings (best known as “Ashy Larry” on Chappelle’s Show). Like most of my road work the first step is always some needlessly arduous travel. Enter an 8.5 hour Amtrak trip to Buffalo. I rail against this (PUN) all the time, but what is with the bare foot phenomenon? It seems any time anyone in America is on any form of transportation for more than an hour off come the shoes. Other than walking and texting this has become my biggest social pet peeve. (Note to Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump & Bernie Sanders – first candidate to propose legislation banning both walking/texting and bare feet on public transportation gets my coveted endorsement). So after the long trip I arrived in Buffalo and made the mile long walk to my hotel (road gigs for me are as much as about doing whatever it takes to maximize profit as it is about doing comedy, so no unnecessary cabs). I arrived at my hotel and was pleasantly surprised that Hotwire.com had given me a swank ass hotel for only $83/night (I cannot publicize where I stay beforehand anymore because I have a mentally ill stalker who calls hotels where I am staying at). The Buffalo Hyatt Regency is probably the nicest hotel I have stayed on the road in some time and you could tell it was nice because it was right next to the Buffalo Convention Center and had a lot of gay employees.
Digital Elevator Panel! #ComedyMogul
The first night of shows was fun and I ended up selling 25 CDs the first night. To put that in perspective – a feature selling 25 CDs on a Thursday show is somewhere between Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 points in a single game and Neil Armstrong walking on the Moon. Little did I know I would only sell 5 the rest of the weekend.
The next day I was going to walk 4.5 miles to see and review Kung Fu Panda 3 (review here), but about .5 miles into the walk it began snowing pretty heavily so I hopped on a bus that just so happened to be going on a straight line to the theater. I sat down on the bus and like most public buses in America I cannot fit in the seats. So sitting on a 45 degree angle my knees jutted out , but left plenty of room to get by. Except for the mentally disturbed man who would get on at the next stop. He saw me from the front of the bus (I was 2/3 toward the back) and he started warning me “You better move them legs – I am coming back!” I said “I don’t fit in the seat,” And he said “you better find a way!” And then he stood at the front of the bus arguing with the bus driver. I sort of wanted a confrontation because walking around Buffalo had made me feel like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant, but it never materialized.
The Friday shows were both strong, but I only sold 5 CDs after the first show and none after the second. The real highlight of the day was the vanilla bean cheesecake at TGIFridays that I had near my hotel that afternoon. I highly recommend it if you are near a TGIFridays. And they make a very solid bacon burger for a chain restaurant.
Saturday was mostly spent with me in my hotel watching Iowa news reports on CNN. Before my shows I went to Mass at a nearby Church, St Michael’s. I prayed for three things: my family, people I hate (“those who have trespassed against me”) and to sell some merch.
St Michael’s in Buffalo
Well that night I sold zero CDs. I guess like people selling stuff at the Temple, Jesus metaphorically turned over my merch table for asking for sales in Church. After the first show ( I murdered both sold out shows on Saturday) my merch table was placed in possibly the worst place to sell, other than the green room bathroom. Zero foot traffic. Zero. I couldn’t even meet someone to awkwardly reject my CDs. You miss all the shots you don’t take type shit.
Someone get me an uber to where the people leaving the club actually are so I can sell some shit!
So I drowned my anger in a piece of delicious peanut butter swirl pie (if you are a comedian working any of the Helium clubs – highly recommend). I sold none on the second show because I left after my set to catch some sleep before my 7 am train back to NYC. But here is a quick bit from Saturday to show how hard I was killing it:
The next day it was off to Amtrak at 7 am (it began raining halfway through my walk to the station, at which point I raised my arms like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank. Another successful comedy trip. I just had to endure another 8.5 hours of bare feet on Amtrak. And then I got home and my dog Cookie pissed all over the kitchen. #Blessed
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
This weekend took me to Bethlehem, Pennsylvania – birthplace of Jesus Christ and high school football location of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Well, major events happen in threes, so you can officially add my stand up performance to that historic duo. I was scheduled to headline a 7pm show at Broadway Social and because of my extensive fan base (consisting almost exclusively of friends from college and law school) I knew I would have 2-10 “fans” in the crowd. To get to Bethlehem I had to take Transbridge bus line (“I took Transbridge bus to get here, so I guess now buses can identify as whatever they want in this post Kaitlyn Jenner world” was my first joke on stage and it bombed), which is all part of my “Not Even Good Enough For a Greyhound Depot” Comedy Tour of America. At only 3 hours, the bus ride was not quite long enough to cripple my bum knees, but I still had a limp for about a half hour after arriving in Bethlehem.
When I arrived I was greeted by my buddy Scott, Scott’s brother and a friend of theirs. It was also confirmed that many years ago I coined a term called “Weinberg” that has become very popular in their circles in Bethlehem. Like many funny things I have forgotten I told Scott that whenever someone tries to shift blame on someone out of nowhere it is like when Col. Nathan R Jessup in A Few Good Men asks Daniel Caffey who’s going to protect the country, “You (Caffey?)” *turning unexpectedly to Kevin Pollack’s character with a hint of Antisemitism “YOU Lt Weinberrrggg?” So at some point in my storied career of unpaid humor I referred to someone as totally “Weinberging” someone. And for many years that has become a thing in Bethlehem, PA. #Legend
When we arrived at Broadway Social I saw that it was a pretty nice bar/lounge so I took in the surroundings, went over my notes for what I wanted to do on stage and set up my camera that I lugged from NYC. After several local comedians went up I went up and had a very strong set. The lounge had a clear VIP lounge area for private parties or something so it got a huge laugh when I said after a sort of dirty bit got less laughs than others “Oh please we are in a club with a VIP rape room right over there! So don’t act too uptight when you know that visiting stripper porn stars probably come here to fu*k who ever is the important business man in Bethlehem.” I was extremely happy with the set and knew that I had at least 2-3 quality YouTube clips ready from the set. On top of that I also was paid $5 more than the agreed upon payment. So let that be a lesson to you young comics – if you do things right, work hard and professionally you will reap tremendous, unexpected benefits.
Sometimes your talent and height are too big for a normal spotlight.
After the show I went back with Scott to his house, but his three kids and wife were at the in-laws, which led to two benefits: a late night viewing of John Wick on HBO and a free child’s twin bed for me to sleep in (I think I secretly hoped that Scott’s family would arrive before I woke up just for the potential Goldilocks/Home Alone level humor of a 4 year old finding a giant in his bed. Of course it probably ends with the child standing his ground and killing me in a perfectly legal shoot (especially considering my black father/ISIS eyebrows), but still pretty funny.
The next morning, before catching the transbus (Its momma named it bus, I’ma call it bus!), I was asked to stand as Godfather to Scott’s youngest child (After Mel Gibson and Stephen Colbert I might be the third most famous Catholic in entertainment). I then slapped him and told him he should act like a man! So, just another typical road comedy gig for me – bus travel, lucrative cash bonuses and providing spiritual guidance. And then I got home and accidentally deleted the set from Friday night. #Blessed
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
I was at the Mohegan Sun in Wilkes Barre, PA this weekend, so I guess my Cal Ripken-esque gig-less streak has been broken, but rest assured I am a fierce competitor and am committed to starting a new streak this week. I love the Mohegan Sun gig because you always get a great room, and it is like a mini-legit casino (the title is supposed to be a James Bond pun on Casino Royale, since the new Bond film opened this week). The comedy club is nice and I have generally done well so nothing to fret. I will just give you a few small highlights before sharing some clips of new bits that went well over the weekend (FYI – this is going up on a Sunday because Monday will be the all out blitz for my Trump-Sanders-Obama video – this week’s podcast will go up Wednesday instead of Tuesday:
Jokes about every group went well except one: women. Now I made jokes about big women, but this line, that attacked women’s overall role as financial beneficiaries on dates, fell flatter than anything I said all weekend: “Valentine’s Day is sort of weird – in honor of boyfriends and husbands paying for dinner all year, they should pay more money for extra date – that is a weird way of saying thanks to us. I mean do you ask your Mom to cook you an extra special breakfast when it’s Mother’s Day?” – It felt like Daffy Duck following Bugs Bunny on stage. Crickets.
Got to earn extra loot by doing a firehouse gig before Saturday’s show. Took my first Uber ride and despite making 2 wrong turns the guy still asked for a 5 star review. I was leaning 4 stars, but the guy was an African immigrant living in Donald Trump-loving Pennsylvania country so before he gets shot by police or chased out of town by a mob I figured I could give him a charity 5 stars.
Got paid in cash for all my shows and some Uber reimbursement, but still managed to walk by all the tables without plopping it down and seeing if I could leave with headliner money. So thanks to my caution I still have cell phone, Con Ed and health insurance money for the month. What I am saying is that I am a rock star.
OK, so without further adieu here are 3 bits from this weekend that I am very proud of. Hope you enjoy them, share them and subscribe to the channel:
Big Girl Selfies
Magnum Depends
Utility Son
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
This past Saturday I had a gig at an Italian restaurant in Connecticut. To be fair I also had a paid gig at a bar in NYC on Friday so it was basically a cash bonanza for my comedy career. The Friday gig conflicted with the Utah Jazz- (my favorite hoops team of the last 27 years) NY Knicks game at Madison Square Garden. The Jazz had lost 9 of their last 10 games at MSG (including the last 6 that I was in attendance for). Last year I went to the game courtesy of Lorne Michaels’ seats (a writer on an LM show gave them to me because he was unable to go last minute and when an NYC comedian hears Utah Jazz they think of me) and the Jazz lost by about 140 points. So of course this year I decide to take a $20 spot in NYC and predictably the Jazz won on a buzzer beater in a very exciting game. Meanwhile at the bar show I was heckled for 20 minutes a cop during my set (the kind of heckler where after the show he/she says “hey man… I am just being me… it’s all good” which is basically what the heckler said). My main response to him halfway through one of his unsolicited tag suggestions was “Thank you, I will be sure to stop by your station house Monday and offer tips on how to better beat up black teens.”
On Saturday morning it was time to film a new sketch. I had to construct a desk podium the night before, but after filming the sketch I donated it to Ripley-Grier studios. So not only am I a great artist, but I am also a patron of the arts. #Hero
All of this was prelude to the main event: featuring at a restaurant in Danbury, Connecticut. Not only was there a check at the end of the show, but non-alcoholic beverages were on the house! However, alcohol and food were full price. First step was the $27 round trip ticket on Metro North. Upon arriving in Bridgeport it was a $30 cab ride (split with the emcee so only $15 bucks per person #blessed) to the restaurant. There was a Dunkin Donuts next door to the restaurant so I thought, “Hey I will go to Dunkin Donuts, eat a cheap egg white sandwich and juice for dinner to save my constantly diminishing profit margin!” But we arrived at 8pm to the restaurant and guess what time DD closed? 8pm. It was like a coherent strategy had been implemented against my financial well being. So I went inside and ordered a lasagna at the restaurant bar. As my profit officially dipped into double digit dollars I just instinctively began humming negro spirituals. Here is a clip of the emcee and I right before our sets:
The sets went really well, but during the headliner’s set I got hungry so I ordered a piece of carrot cake because I knew we would be making a run for the 11:13 train (the last one to NYC for the night) and I did not want to starve on the train home (#HalfWhitePeopleProblems). So with $1 left in my pocket I got my check and the booker’s wife drove the emcee and I to the Metro North station. There was no time to sell CDs sadly so I ended up netting slightly less than my monthly Sprint Mobile bill. I know the sharecropping analogy in the title may seem a stretch, but if the financial realities of a one-nighter don’t convince the reader I was also forced to sit in the comedians-only section of the Metro North train on the way back to NYC.
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
Well I am back in NYC after a great and productive week in Los Angeles. Last blog I gave a thorough recap of Comics Unleashed (hoping the check arrives in the mail this week) but that was only part of the trip. The next day I was on The Adam Carolla Show for the third time in 2014, which is coincidentally how many times I ate dinner at the cheesecake factory in the three nights I was in LA (a friend is a waitress there, which mean discounts, #blessed). The appearance went really well (you can listen here) and only one person on the Facebook post wrote “I hate jl” in the comments section. Now the Carolla producer is in talks with my management (meaning my hotmail account) to have me on as a call in segment, rebooting an old Adam Carolla segment from his television show. Normally I would not jinx an opportunity like this but a) it is unpaid and b) it is unpaid so what am I really jinxing by telling you before it airs? So, hopefully this happens and allows me to continue to grow my fan base through the ACS. Now I am back to submitting for contract legal work to fill in the large gaps in my comedy calendar. So while that happens here is a pic of better times of myself, Adam and Matt Achity of Rotten Tomatoes:
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
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It has been several years since I attended any comedy festival and 10 years since I made a good, but failed run at the Boston Comedy Festival. But in the “hope springs eternal” mindset that rests beneath numerous layers of “fu*k this sh*t” I entered the Boston Comedy Festival again this year. My mindset was fairly practical in entering. The prize for the winner was $10,000. With 96 competitors I figured odds were in my favor (imagine buying a $600 lottery ticket – train and hotel fare – but your odds of winning $10,000 was 1 in 96 – but really much better than that based on experience) so I entered. Also, a much less important factor I figured was with most comics of my comedy generation either finding success or permanent obscurity it was time for me to meet the next group of comedians who might pass me by in the next five years. Either way I figured there were enough reasons to give it a shot.
