This past Saturday I had a gig at an Italian restaurant in Connecticut. To be fair I also had a paid gig at a bar in NYC on Friday so it was basically a cash bonanza for my comedy career. The Friday gig conflicted with the Utah Jazz- (my favorite hoops team of the last 27 years) NY Knicks game at Madison Square Garden. The Jazz had lost 9 of their last 10 games at MSG (including the last 6 that I was in attendance for). Last year I went to the game courtesy of Lorne Michaels’ seats (a writer on an LM show gave them to me because he was unable to go last minute and when an NYC comedian hears Utah Jazz they think of me) and the Jazz lost by about 140 points. So of course this year I decide to take a $20 spot in NYC and predictably the Jazz won on a buzzer beater in a very exciting game. Meanwhile at the bar show I was heckled for 20 minutes a cop during my set (the kind of heckler where after the show he/she says “hey man… I am just being me… it’s all good” which is basically what the heckler said). My main response to him halfway through one of his unsolicited tag suggestions was “Thank you, I will be sure to stop by your station house Monday and offer tips on how to better beat up black teens.”
On Saturday morning it was time to film a new sketch. I had to construct a desk podium the night before, but after filming the sketch I donated it to Ripley-Grier studios. So not only am I a great artist, but I am also a patron of the arts. #Hero
All of this was prelude to the main event: featuring at a restaurant in Danbury, Connecticut. Not only was there a check at the end of the show, but non-alcoholic beverages were on the house! However, alcohol and food were full price. First step was the $27 round trip ticket on Metro North. Upon arriving in Bridgeport it was a $30 cab ride (split with the emcee so only $15 bucks per person #blessed) to the restaurant. There was a Dunkin Donuts next door to the restaurant so I thought, “Hey I will go to Dunkin Donuts, eat a cheap egg white sandwich and juice for dinner to save my constantly diminishing profit margin!” But we arrived at 8pm to the restaurant and guess what time DD closed? 8pm. It was like a coherent strategy had been implemented against my financial well being. So I went inside and ordered a lasagna at the restaurant bar. As my profit officially dipped into double digit dollars I just instinctively began humming negro spirituals. Here is a clip of the emcee and I right before our sets:
The sets went really well, but during the headliner’s set I got hungry so I ordered a piece of carrot cake because I knew we would be making a run for the 11:13 train (the last one to NYC for the night) and I did not want to starve on the train home (#HalfWhitePeopleProblems). So with $1 left in my pocket I got my check and the booker’s wife drove the emcee and I to the Metro North station. There was no time to sell CDs sadly so I ended up netting slightly less than my monthly Sprint Mobile bill. I know the sharecropping analogy in the title may seem a stretch, but if the financial realities of a one-nighter don’t convince the reader I was also forced to sit in the comedians-only section of the Metro North train on the way back to NYC.