After consulting himself, reviewing all the words he knows and DVR-ing all the Sunday shows, Donald Trump has come to the conclusion that of the all the names on his short list for Vice President, Donald Trump is the clear best choice. “The main thing you want in a Vice President is someone who can be President, if God forbid, something were to happen to me that wasn’t terrific. And by that measure, there’s no one more presidential than me. I mean, I’m really terrific and so presidential. Tremendous presidential qualities.” Among the reasons he also cited was that despite putting together “the greatest list of VP choices you’ve ever seen,” none passed his litmus test of “are they as good or close to as good at great things as me.”
His final five choices, which were kept quiet so that a proper “tremendously great vetting” could occur in secret, were a diverse group:
Suge Knight made the final five, because of his “great blackness,” “his name rhymes with ‘huge'” (it doesn’t) and “business leadership credentials – really a take no nonsense kind of guy,” but was eliminated because “he lost out on Dr. Dre and Beats headphones and I would never allow that.” When asked if Knight’s prison time affected his decision Trump replied, “You can do amazing things with technology and I don’t need my VP in any particular place, so no – it had nothing to do with it. Martin Luther King Jr. was in prison, and I’m not saying Suge is MLK, but he’s a strong black and a leader so no, it had nothing to do with.”
Admiral James Stockdale made the list because he was the last VP candidate of an insurgent/third party candidate (Ross Perot) to gain any real national traction. “Great military guy, I mean one of the best, Patton, Eisenhower, Schwarzkopf and Stockdale are my Mount Rushmore of great military people,” said Trump of Stockdale, who passed away in 2005. “Alive, dead, who cares – Stockdale has more energy than Jeb Bush – that I guarantee it, but in the end it turns out he was captured during Vietnam and I think that sends tremendous weakness to our enemies, so I had to get rid of him.”
Chris Christie was also on the list of finalists. The absentee governor of New Jersey has been acting like Trump’s verbal Luca Brasi on the campaign trail and has a record of leadership. “Probably the best governor we’ve ever had in this country, truly great,” gushed Trump. “But he is a fat pig and I cannot digest my food around him. I mean it’s like watching Rosie O’Donnell have sex to look at him and if I can’t eat, I love to eat – I’m a terrific eater, then how can I lead, so Chris is a great friend, good guy, horrible, disgusting man. Can’t pick him.”
Ivanka Trump rounded out the final five, which was not much of a surprise considering how much trust Trump has shown her in business dealings. “I mean listen to that voice. She sounds like a phone sex operator, but instead of being some fat pig or phone bank in Mumbai – I love the Indian people, do a lot of business there, but come on – phone banks should be in America; it’s a disgrace – she looks like as hot as she sounds. She can close business deals with her brain or with her body – really terrific young woman.” But in the end Trump couldn’t pick his daughter for one major reason. “She’s too hot. I mean we all saw what happened to Bill Clinton, I mean a real scumbag, when he had mediocre women around him in the White House. Ivanka is a guaranteed sex scandal if she is too close to me all the time. It’s not PC, but the fact is she is beautiful and I want to be faithful to Melania before I divorce her for her 50th birthday.”
So there it is, Donald Trump, after a wide ranging, thorough search has decided that a Donald Trump-Donald Trump ticket is what will make America great again.