Donald Trump Names Donald Trump His VP Choice

After consulting himself, reviewing all the words he knows and DVR-ing all the Sunday shows, Donald Trump has come to the conclusion that of the all the names on his short list for Vice President, Donald Trump is the clear best choice.  “The main thing you want in a Vice President is someone who can be President, if God forbid, something were to happen to me that wasn’t terrific. And by that measure, there’s no one more presidential than me. I mean, I’m really terrific and so presidential. Tremendous presidential qualities.”  Among the reasons he also cited was that despite putting together “the greatest list of VP choices you’ve ever seen,” none passed his litmus test of “are they as good or close to as good at great things as me.”

His final five choices, which were kept quiet so that a proper “tremendously great vetting” could occur in secret, were a diverse group:

Suge Knight made the final five, because of his “great blackness,” “his name rhymes with ‘huge'” (it doesn’t) and “business leadership credentials – really a take no nonsense kind of guy,” but was eliminated because “he lost out on Dr. Dre and Beats headphones and I would never allow that.”  When asked if Knight’s prison time affected his decision Trump replied, “You can do amazing things with technology and I don’t need my VP in any particular place, so no – it had nothing to do with it. Martin Luther King Jr. was in prison, and I’m not saying Suge is MLK, but he’s a strong black and a leader so no, it had nothing to do with.”

Admiral James Stockdale made the list because he was the last VP candidate of an insurgent/third party candidate (Ross Perot) to gain any real national traction. “Great military guy, I mean one of the best, Patton, Eisenhower, Schwarzkopf and Stockdale are my Mount Rushmore of great military people,” said Trump of Stockdale, who passed away in 2005. “Alive, dead, who cares – Stockdale has more energy than Jeb Bush – that I guarantee it, but in the end it turns out he was captured during Vietnam and I think that sends tremendous weakness to our enemies, so I had to get rid of him.”

Chris Christie was also on the list of finalists.  The absentee governor of New Jersey has been acting like Trump’s verbal Luca Brasi on the campaign trail and has a record of leadership. “Probably the best governor we’ve ever had in this country, truly great,” gushed Trump.  “But he is a fat pig and I cannot digest my food around him. I mean it’s like watching Rosie O’Donnell have sex to look at him and if I can’t eat, I love to eat – I’m a terrific eater, then how can I lead, so Chris is a great friend, good guy, horrible, disgusting man. Can’t pick him.”

Ivanka Trump rounded out the final five, which was not much of a surprise considering how much trust Trump has shown her in business dealings. “I mean listen to that voice. She sounds like a phone sex operator, but instead of being some fat pig or phone bank in Mumbai – I love the Indian people, do a lot of business there, but come on – phone banks should be in America; it’s a disgrace – she looks like as hot as she sounds.  She can close business deals with her brain or with her body – really terrific young woman.” But in the end Trump couldn’t pick his daughter for one major reason. “She’s too hot. I mean we all saw what happened to Bill Clinton, I mean a real scumbag, when he had mediocre women around him in the White House. Ivanka is a guaranteed sex scandal if she is too close to me all the time. It’s not PC, but the fact is she is beautiful and I want to be faithful to Melania before I divorce her for her 50th birthday.”

So there it is, Donald Trump, after a wide ranging, thorough search has decided that a Donald Trump-Donald Trump ticket is what will make America great again.

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Donald Sterling to Accept Position as 10 pm Anchor…

The NBA dropped the hammer on Donald Sterling, punishing him for saying racist comments to his girlfriend (cannot wait for her VH1 show Senior Citizen Dumpster) and for basically embarrassing the league and making the LA Clippers a non-viable business.  Of course, the NBA and many people have known him to be a vile, almost cartoonist racist villain, fulfilling every negative stereotype he could get his fingerprints on for decades, but in this day and age, one viral strike was all it took.  And of course, good riddance, but it begs the question, where does a racist billionaire go after running and ruining an NBA franchise for so long?  Well it did not take long for one media empire to scoop up this newly available talent full of fresh ideas on business, race and paternalism.  That is right, Donald Sterling is going to Fox News!  The decision was actually announced at 1:30pm when Fox News learned that Sterling would be given a lifetime ban.  “We could not be more thrilled to have acquired the talents of Donald Sterling today,” said Fox news President Roger Ailes, “He is a proven business leader in real estate and sports, a creator, not a taker, a man not afraid to say unpopular things and younger than our core demographic. so he should really help us reel in the next generation of racist centenarians!”

His future with Fox News is so bright... he has to wear shades

While this may seem like a controversial hire, some of Fox News’ highest profile people think it will be a slam dunk.  “Some of my best friends are black,” said Sean Hannity, “but let’s be honest they do smell and Donald Sterling still gave them food and shelter and cars.  That is a compassionate conservative I can believe in.”

“The pinheads on the left can whine all they want, we now own the 90-110 white demographic,” shouted a demonstrably pleased Bill O’ Reilly.

The show does not have a title yet, but rumors have it that some possibilities thrown around by Team Sterling are “Ivory and Ivory,” “Slumlord Billionaire,” and “Sharecrop Stories.”  A feature of the new show that seems to have a lot of traction in early meetings is tentatively called “Nigstagram” in which Sterling will showcase various women on Instagram with black men and then rate them on a scale from “Race Traitor” to “She Can Still Have Sex with Me for Money”

Sterling is said to be disappointed in the NBA’s decision, but eager to begin working on his new project.  It is slated to begin in September 2014.

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FX: The Platonic Porn Channel For White Men

The FX channel broke into the big leagues with the show The Shield about a decade ago.  The show focused on a quartet of caucasian cops who murdered and robbed with impunity.  In other words it was a ratings and critical success and the formula was simple: eliminate the realism and the African-American protagonists from The Wire.  It was over-the-top entertainment, but taken for that it was a solid show (with one of the greatest final couple of episodes of any show I’ve seen not named Six Feet Under).  But The Shield was a sign of the future at FX, which is owned by the News Corp, which owns an even more well-known producer of over-the-top fiction, Fox News.  Here is where FX fits into the pantheon of non-network television show producers:

HBO– The Untouchable Legend.  Even though their shows now are not as great as the Sopranos/Wire/Six Feet Under heyday HBO still makes uncompromising high quality drama and comedy (with the exception of the increasingly Glee-ish True Blood).

Showtime– HBO’s likeable, but much dumber younger sibling.  Dexter is a very solid, but slightly overrated show, Weeds is a piece of sh*t and I think Californication is actually the best show on the Network, but what do I know – I write a blog for 15 people.

USA – Annoying Puns.  it seems that USA has one requirement: the show must be able to be summarized in a pun-filled title.  Royal Pains, Burn Notice, White Collar and their newest featuring a hot chick in the poster – Fairly Legal – Less Lawyer, More Appeal (get it!!!!!).  Which is leading to the their next big show – Dr. DoMore – Less Sore Throat, More Deep Throat.

My career as a lawyer never encountered a woman this hot or puns this lame.

TNT– My sister-in-law likes The Closer.  That is basically all I know.  And they picked up Southland, which is the shittiest of the “gritty cop dramas.”

AMC– The “We are better than you network” and the only potential challenger to HBO.  Everyone loves Mad Men, but anyone who reads these posts, my tweets or my Facebook page knows that the best show on television right now, by a mile, is AMC’s Breaking Bad. 

That leads us to FX:

Platonic Porn For (Preferably Conservative at Heart) White Men

Here is the evidence of all the shows I can think of from FX:

The Shield– angry, white cops take on foreigners, and Mexican and black gangs in LA.  They kill at will, drop the occasional racial slur, but are always the badass heroes.

Nip/Tuck – Two white dudes give chicks boob implants and have lots of sex I think.  This is the one I never saw, but I think that is a fair assessment.

Rescue Me – A bunch of white firefighters and their light-skinned minority firefighter friend have lots of sex working as the number one non-celebrity/investment banking/athlete profession for getting women for white men.

Sons of Anarchy– A bunch of white, anti-big government, motorcycle riding men and their one Puerto Rican member pit Mexican and black gangs against each other through gun running (but they also fight white supremacists to show that they’re not THAT bad).  They manage to keep corporate America and big government out of their sleepy town that they rule with a leather-clad, tatooed iron fist.

In Season 4 I hear the Sons of Anarchy will back Sarah Palin for President.

Justified – A white US Marshall returns to his Kentucky hometown where he doesn’t quite play by the rules, in a place where everyone has a gun and isn’t afraid to use it.  There is a black woman on the show.

Archer – an animated show that is presumably a tip of the cap to the hipster comedy crowd (which is pretty big in urban markets the same way Mitch Hedberg was huge in Camden, New Jersey).  There is one black character as well.

And their newest show, which I really do like a lot – “Lights Out”.  It is about an American born heavyweight boxing champ making a comeback.  Other than Nip/Tuck’s abundance of fake boobs, the white Heavyweight champ is right up their with Sarah Palin as the conservative white  man’s fantasy. 

FX new show - an American, white heavyweight champ. Not a comedy.

So basically, FX has become the official channel of the Tea Party: the “keep your taxes out of my town, keep your hands of my guns, keep your minorities off of my screen and let me see some fake tits” channel.  I enjoy Sons of Anarchy and Justified, but they are not great shows.  They are solid shows.  I think my favorite is Lights Out, but most of these shows  just feel like someone has taken Fox News pundits and made them actions stars.  Individually, the shows are entertaining, but in the aggregate it is hard to ignore the overwhelming trend, even if I sound like a 1986 Al Sharpton.  So I guess for all those tea party folks who have been begging for their country back, their prayers have been answered.  Just turn on FX any night of the week.


Obamacare is the New N Word

I joked in a tweet a couple of nights ago that Fox Opinions (because it is not really news except for that Shep Smith guy – I wonder when they will fire him?) would try to link Kanye West to President Obama after he upstaged the angelic 19 year old country singer Taylor Swift.  And Kanye was wrong and Taylor Swift seems remarkably (and refreshingly) un-Hollywood for such a big star (perhaps, her humble Christian roots have something to do with it, or perhaps she just hasn’t been paid enough for a sex tape yet).  Whatever the case was I had this eerie feeling that white people in parts of the country would see beyond a vain entertainer upstaging a humble one and see it as yet another arrogant negro ruining a moment for a white woman (e.g. Sarah Palin, Emmit Till to name two such incidents).

I told you this would happen if we elected a black guy President
I told you this would happen if we elected a black guy President

But the larger truth is that small town, small minded white people feel incredibly threatened by Barack Obama.  When he was a humble, conciliatory campaigner who aspired (but did not and could not guarantee) bipartisanship he looked like that talented black man who could do wonderful things, but still had the tone on one who recognized that he could not do it all alone.  But now that he has decided to make change that not everybody agrees with, he magically transformed from Jackie Robinson to Malcolm X (pre-Mecca trip) for a lot of Americans.  There used to be a socially acceptable way for angry white people to vent their frustration at blacks.  But most mainstream racists now know that saying the N word is debate suicide, so they just attack the man shouting “Obamacare” (I will probably stop using it because I have just realized through a twitter search that it is used too often in derision and not as an easy shorthand as I thought it was) as their slur. 

Democrats rooted against George W. Bush and derided him, but mostly because he spoke in a manner often unfit for POTUS status, waged an unnecessary and lie-based war in Iraq, mismanaged the war in Afghanistan, an honorable and necessary war, to the point that now Obama is facing incredible pressure to abandon it, which may imperil America’s safety, allowed Dick Cheney, who appears to be the only man more evil that Nixon’s squad of goons in the early 1970s, to run roughshod over the Constitution and sold the environment to industry.  There are 5,000 dead troops, over 4,000 from the Iraq War.  Global Warming is real.  These are the classic issues that have always brought on tough words and tougher protest.  But now, universal health coverage has become the lightening rod that pushed these people over the edge.  Not war (and if it was a white country, or at least non-Muslim nations, would these people have been as gung ho about it).  Not environmental degradation with disastrous and cataclysmic consequences.  Health care for all.  With numerous controversial proposals introduced by Republicans.  This is their best shot at Obama and sadly, there may be enough industry whores on both sides of the political aisle to derail it, which will be like getting a do over at the Civil War for some of these morons.

Well, at least racism is not clouding the issue of health care.
Well, at least racism is not clouding the issue of health care.

I will admit that I think economic fears have something to do with it also.  I think this country is greedy at its core.  If the economy had not tanked in September of last year, the election would have been A LOT closer.  People vote their wallets and their instincts in this country, in that order.  So when the economy tanked, some people who may not have wanted a black president voted their circumstances and decided their ideology could fight another day.  Well, now that the economy is not recovering in terms of jobs for people it is time to let the racism kick in, in its socially acceptable form – shouting angrily over anything that you can.

I recently read the book Nixonland, which is a weighty tome and sometimes difficult to wade through without a real substantive knowledge of all the political players of the 1960s and 70s, but Richard Nixon rode to the presidency on white frustration.  Not all of it was racial, some was economic (the way Republicans have continued to fool poor and middle class people that their economic best interests are with Republicans), but much of it was racial.  In the 1960s civil rights enactments along with racial riots made the Republicans the party of safety and the re-establishment of white order.  Well now that there is a president of color that battle has been lost, but that does not mean that equality’s victory over intolerance cannot be frustrated.  And that is what these TEA party folks are doing.  Their victory is unattainable so they’ve redefined their goals very simply: if we cannot win, then neither can he/they.

Even if you believe that Obama & Co. are going about health care in the wrong way, is health care for every American such an abomination on its face that it requires the same intensity of protest that Vietnam had, which these people are giving it?  And why do we have to cover these losers as if they matter.  Below is my recent interpretation of a Health Care Town Hall:

Richard Nixon tapped into a feeling of helplessness that white people had.  Liberal causes almost always win the day eventually because to quote George W. Bush, “I believe freedom is the deepest need of every human soul.”  But those moments don’t really exist for ordinary white people because they have been on top since the country’s birth.  However, black people have come up from such depths that every milestone is a feel good celebration, culminating, of course, with the election of Barack Obama.

So the the TEA Partiers and their selfish and/or small minded sympathizers, my message to you is relax.  You are still white and in America.  Appreciate the natural advantages that still abound because of it and let people have health care and a president of color.   It reminds me of the scene in Goodfellas where Tommy (Joe Pesci) gets very angry at his girlfriend for over complimenting Sammy Davis Jr.  TEA Partiers and their allies at Fox Opinions are like Tommy (white, angry with no legitimate place for their real frustrations).  Obama is Sammy Davis Jr, but only worse, he is a Democrat.  And worse, he is trying to do something other than  dance, sing or shoot a jump shot.

Of course the Candy Man can! (wait, we're not talking about him dating my daughter, right?)
Of course the Candy Man can! (wait, we're not talking about him dating my daughter, right?)

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Southern Discomfort

This past week I did my first shows in the real South in Destin, Florida.  A nice vacation spot on the panhandle where the temperature varied from disgustingly humid to just shoot me to put me out of my misery.  But the most sweating I did during the weekend was on stage.  Now the club is located on a resort so I thought I would end up being the comedic equivalent of Johnny in Dirty Dancing. 

Perhaps tickling would have gotten more laughs.
Perhaps tickling would have gotten more laughs.

Not quite. 

Here are the highlights:

  • “I do not care for the cussing.”  One woman who was enjoying my set for the first 6 or 7 minutes then frowned at me for the next 20 because I said a few curses (about 6 in 25 minutes).  I looked at her after a joke that worked and said, what’s wrong?  And she responded with the above quote.  So I mocked her for the rest of the show whenever a natural moment for a curse would come up I would shout something like darn tootin’ or its equivalent, which delighted the nine or ten audience members who understood that I was being sarcastic.


  • An innocent joke comparing myself and Obama to Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen was greeted with 2 silences and 2 rounds of boos.  So on the last show I finally snapped and asked the crowd, “what is it with you people and New Jersey rockers?  Is it because they vote Democratic?  is it because Springsteen sings about selfish things like Vietnam vets and working class struggles?  Sorry – from now I will just talk about Toby Keith putting boots in people’s asses.”  That got a big laugh.
Can't go wrong with Toby Keith in the panhandle
Can't go wrong with Toby Keith in the panhandle
  • One of the biggest laughs I got all week was on an anal sex joke. 
I have had enough of your CUSSING!  Ok, now back to the anal sex jokes.
I have had enough of your CUSSING! Ok, now back to the anal sex jokes.
  • On only 1 of 5 shows Obama references got booed.  They started shouting things like “I wish I could print money,”and “I don’t want to pay all my money in taxes.”  Then I realized this is what went for comedy on the Glen Beck/Fox News Comedy Tour. 

It became clear to me that these shows were like some other shows I’ve done and it took me too long to realize it.  Some comedy shows (the majority, most taking place at clubs) are the type where people arrive to laugh at someone’s routine or act.  I prefer those because I actually write jokes to perform them, not for exercises in penmanship and typing.  Other shows tend to be those where the crowd wants a clown.  Someone that will take them and tweak their nose and make them verbal balloon animals.  Except for my anal sex joke and Obama impression, the biggest laughs I got were when I ripped on people because they wanted to be the show.

Oh well, next time I head down there (which may be unlikely if only because my tiny plane departing Florida Sunday was a top 3 unnerving flight of my life) I will just bring a suitcase of Don Rickles’ material.  “Look at this guy!  I tell ya…”