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Donald Trump: America’s Participation Trophy

Today the electors vote, presumably, but disappointingly for Donald Trump.  And just over a month Donald Trump will become the 45th President of the United States.  And one of the running things I have heard and read from conservative pundits and Long Island comedians is that one of the driving forces behind Trump’s election (ahead of bigotry and stupidity, of course) is the safe spaces of liberals.  The idea that liberals are too easily offended and politically correct and require too much sensitivity. This is considered the progression from a participation trophy culture – if we give every 8 year old a trophy for their 5th place soccer team, then eventually those children will require safe spaces on their college campuses and rescind invitations from speakers with whom they don’t agree.  The election of Trump (in addition to being a potential disaster for women, people of color and immigrants) was really a comeuppance for those faggy liberals and their weakening of what makes America strong.  And yet, the group that abhors participation trophies (or at least wants to blame said trophies, metaphorical and literal, for America’s problems) has just elected the biggest participation trophy in American history.

Adam Carolla, the podcaster/entertainer, often says we need to work “big to small” when lambasting priorities of the left. Now I am a big fan of Carolla as a comedian and a person, but I disagree with a lot of his politics, especially because he, like many conservatives, often apply lessons and principles against their enemies with rigid discipline, but not to their own side.  Carolla’s show has featured some alt-righters like Milo Yogurtanapopolis (hey if I am too respectful to his foreign sounding name wouldn’t that make me a pussy liberal?), and one of their things about speech (as well as race, etc.) is that the left is playing games with identity and speech, while the conservatives are simply about solutions and not catering to useless things like feelings and identity.  As if conservatives treat life like math, while liberals treat it like poetry. Shitty poetry.  In fact Carolla has called the Democrats the party of feelings (to be fair he sort of characterizes most people today as to concerned with the self and their feelings, not just liberals all the time). It plays well and makes sense with the narrative that liberals are too sensitive and are into participation trophies.  And yet, I feel like people like Carolla have missed the forest for the trees.  No president, in my lifetime at least, has played and prayed upon a victim mentality and identity politics more than President-Elect Donald Trump.

“The economy is a disaster” – unemployment cut from almost 10% to under 5%

“Our military is a disaster” – the strongest in the world by a wide margin

“I will bring back coal” – not happening

These are a few examples of Donald Trump’s comments to appeal to men and women who, admittedly, may have fallen behind in an increasingly global, technologically advanced, eco-conscious world  and I do sympathize.  But wouldn’t the conservative approach be “don’t blame someone – get new training, more education, etc.” (even if unrealistic)?  After all, Hillary Clinton said she wanted to replace coal jobs with new training and jobs in those communities for a clean energy 21st Century.  Wouldn’t that be the conservative approach?  Not handouts and identity politics, but education and employment?  But instead, leaving aside the repudiation of President Obama’s legacy and skin color for now, the Trump voters opted for someone who demonized immigrants and promised jobs that cannot come back. Hillary Clinton promised help with pulling up their bootstraps, Trump blamed the boot maker and promised everyone a new pair of their favorite boots that the manufacturer stopped making.

So just as conservatives have hijacked patriotism, faith and other ideals that plenty on the left share as well, at least let them take ownership of being the participation trophy party as well. Trump voters have elected a man who has promised impossibilities and appointed a cabinet that will not only not “win” for their interests, but actually make you even bigger losers in the end.  So while libtard parents are giving their 8 year olds participation trophies for soccer, Trump voters have elected a participation trophy as president. And like Adam Carolla says, shouldn’t we be worrying big to small instead of the other way around?

Get J-L’s new stand up albums KEEP MY ENEMIES CLOSER &  ISRAELI TORTOISE on iTunes, Amazon & Google.

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The Early Short List: Who the Democrats Should Nominate…

As President-Elect Donald Trump puts together his cabinet of the best, tremendous people who will make America Great Again or an apocalyptic wasteland it is clear that his administration will be hawkish on aggressive military action, scientifically ignorant to the point of criminal negligence and sympathetic to the concerns of the most bitter white people (isn’t that an even nicer way to refer to the Alt-Right?!).  He has backtracked on most of his major rallying cries (build the wall, lock her up, drain the swamp and “believe me” have all proven to be rhetoric to get people to foam at the mouth), but will come through on Koch Brother-Paul Ryan-Mike Pence wet dreams (a creationist as Secretary of Education, stridently pro-life appointments to the Supreme Court, destruction of the environment, cutting taxes for the wealthy), so America has basically gotten a less experienced, less honest and less competent version of the average red state Republican in Donald Trump.  But it is important to remember that the Projector-in-Chief-Elect is so much better than Hillary Clinton.  After all she had fake scandals, real experience and a vagina – 3 STRIKES AND YOU’RE OUT!  So the question is, what will the Democrats do to prepare for 2020 when President Pence is up for re-election (I am predicting that within 3 weeks of the Democrats taking over the Senate in 2018 President Trump will resign because it will be the first chance he has to blame his lack of preparedness and competency on the Democrats since he will have the full government/limited room for excuses for the first 2 years)?  Will they take to heart the lessons of 2016 (don’t nominate someone with experience, listen to the uninformed “economic” concerns of racists and bigots, adhere to a pie-in-the-sky progressive agenda) or will they make the mistake of 2016 and nominate an incredibly smart. capable and experienced person? As a political junkie and half-black immigrant, half blue collar Irish Catholic I think I have the suggestions that can give the Democrats the widest possible coalition to win in 2020:

Khloe Kardashian

As Van Jones put it, a lot of this election was about a “whitelash.” After being led by a “You Think You Better N Me?!” black man, large swaths of the country wanted a white back in the White House.  I mean, they wanted economic security back… so they voted for a billionaire who lies and rips off workers and promises jobs and industries that cannot and will not come back, which would be known to anyone who reads once in a while.  But if the goal is to take down the legacy of a black man (President Obama) and institute policies that will hurt other black people then the best way for the Democrats to win over Trump voters is to nominate Khloe Kardashian.  No group of women has destroyed more black men than the Kardashians and the new star in the family on this front is Khloe (look at the MVP season James Harden is having since breaking up with her).  Rumor has it that Khloe’s vagina is called “The 1994 Crime Bill” because of its negative impact on black men.  She also comes with a lot of money and a big social media presence so she is basically Trump with booty.  But she is a woman who dates men of color so progressives should also find her enticing.

Suge Knight

Shady business dealings.  Mogul. Strong and authoritative leadership. Basically if you want a bigger and blacker version of Trump Suge Knight is your candidate.  And imagine President Trump or Pence trying to debate him or tweet at him with insults.

Trump’s Nanny(ies)

One of the biggest factors that allowed voters to support a racist, misogynistic, low information, poor temperament, constantly projecting, arrogant, delusional alleged billionaire was the fact that his children appeared to be competent and well-behaved.  Well if the measure of a presidential candidate is how well they raise children, then the Democrats should nominate the wet nurse/au pair of Trump’s kids as the full ticket in 2020. Of course, need to make sure Trump didn’t pull an Arnold Schwarzenegger or a Jude Law because it would damage the chances of the Democrats winning (the adultery would have no impact on Trump’s re-election chances).

Mixed Race Trans Zygote

With Bernie supporters claiming that he would have destroyed Trump in the election (because Trump supporters seem to be very open to socialists and Jews), while skipping over the fact that maybe drawing some angry, bigoted support is not the noblest of justifications for rejecting a candidate that beat him soundly in the primary, Democrats should still pay attention to their progressive wing. That is why I suggest a Constitutional Amendment making the age lower for nominees.  Then the Democrats should nominate a mixed race, transgendered zygote. Benefits – diversity, progressive, not a troublesome record of experience and GOP fabrications following it.  However, so as not to alienate Bernie folks in the rust belt, the candidate should just be known as “Working Class, Unidentifiable Individual.”

Ivanka Trump

If the brand of Trump emerged with Donald then Ivanka is the ultimate fulfillment of that brand. She speaks with the composure of a beauty pageant contestant and the tone of a phone sex operator. She is beautiful and some of it is actually genetic (not the nose or breasts and her eyes also look like they have been modified, and I am not sure what her natural hair color is) and she doesn’t say hateful things (she just stands by and laughs it off as Dad being Dad).  In other words, to fight fire with fire it may be time to nominate one Trump who may be even more inauthentic than the President-Elect to defeat him.  She is the anti-Hillary – hot, inexperienced, young and possibly a cyborg.  And unlike other women he has run against, we already know that Donald thinks very highly of Ivanka’s body.

Get J-L’s new stand up albums KEEP MY ENEMIES CLOSER &  ISRAELI TORTOISE on iTunes, Amazon & Google.

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Trump Calls Blacks Riggers, Clinton a Bitch on Leaked…

On an explosive, leaked video recorded just hours before Election Day Donald Trump can be seen and heard refusing to concede election results if he loses, calling on his supporters to protect their vote with the 2nd Amendment in a speech rehearsal obtained by JLC News.  Trump claims that the Democratic Party is full of “riggers” that are good at basketball, clearly a play on words implying a racial slur as well as claiming rapists in Texas and Florida have voted for Clinton.  And in blunt language, even for Trump, the GOP nominee refers to Hillary Clinton as a bitch. This bodes very poorly for tranquility on Election Night. For the full video see below:

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Mr. Trump is the Mr. Robot Parody SNL Should…

SNL had its season premiere this past Saturday to rave reviews, in particular the Alec Baldwin-Kate McKinnon Trump-Clinton debate sketch.  The show also provided a long overdue Mr. Robot sketch, considering cast member Pete Davidson is a taller doppelganger for Mr. Robot star Rami Malek.  However, one comedian in the far more anonymous part of the web has managed to combine a dead on Trump impression with a killer parody of Mr. Robot.  Comedian J-L Cauvin, who was sure to post thumbnails of his sketch before the SNL premiere (justifying his paranoia that they might finally do a Mr. Robot sketch) in case anyone believed him to be a copycat gives the world Mr Trump: a perfect representation of the conflict so many voters have between supporting Hillary Clinton vs. supporting Donald Trump.  Here is the sketch for your viewing and sharing pleasure:

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Trump’s Pre-Written DNC Tweets Leaked!

With the Republican National Convention over and Cleveland still standing, national attention now shifts to Philadelphia, PA where the Democrats will hold their convention.  While the Democrats lack the star power of Scott Baio and Antonio Sabatao Jr., they will still bring some pretty heavy hitters to the Convention in the prime time hours. Now other than watching what the speakers have to say, the only other place you should be looking during the Convention (besides my Twitter account @JLCauvin) is Donald J Trump’s account. Well, thanks to Wikileaks I am able to share some of the pre-written tweets The Donald has locked and loaded for the 4 nights (be advised some of these are offensive):

Monday: Bernie Sanders and Michelle Obama

“@RealDonald Trump Crazy Bernie clearly doesn’t like Crooked Hillary. Pathetic! His supporters should come to me. Be great!”

“@RealDonaldTrump Crazy Bernie is so full of lies, but he’s crazy so I feel bad for him. Needs assisted living!”

“@RealDonaldTrump The politically correct police are so pathetic. Now they are letting Leslie Jones talk! Not funny!”

“@RealDonaldTrump Michelle Obama wants kids to eat fruit and drink water. So poor! My kids drink the tears of immigrant laborers”

Tuesday: Bill Clinton and the mothers of Trayvon Martin, Eric Garner, Sandra Bland & Michael Brown

“@RealDonaldTrump Bill Clinton – liar, rapist, murderer – one of the worst presidents of all time. Pathetic!”

“@RealDonaldTrump Rapin’ Bill now raping the truth. The American people won’t be fooled. We will win!”

“@RealDonaldTrump If Trayvon Martin respected law and order he would not have been attacked by George Zimmerman #BlueLivesMatter”

“@RealDonaldTrump So what if George Z wasn’t a cop? He has a gun and wanted to be a cop. Great guy! #BlueLivesMatter”

“@RealDonaldTrump Shame on the Democrats for taking these poor women and exploiting them. I will be great for black women!”

“@RealDonaldTrump Our law enforcement deserve better than this. We need more police and better moms! #BlueLivesMatter”

Wednesday: Barack Obama and Joe Biden

“@RealDonaldTrump I wonder who Plagarisin’ Joe stole this speech from. Melania would be a much better VP. Hot!”

“@RealDonaldTrump Joe Biden lost his son last year. All of mine are alive. Pro-life is the best!”

“@RealDonaldTrump Barack Obama would be the biggest liar of all time if Crooked Hillary were not still alive. Someone should see about that.”

“@RealDonaldTrump Barack Obama did nothing for black people. I will be the greatest president for blacks ever. Even better than Lincoln!”

“@RealDonaldTrump Barack Obama destroyed our country. I will make it great again. Believe me!”

“@RealDonaldTrump RT @WhitePowerParty “After a monkey president, we can’t have a bitch president. No more animals in the WHITE House #Trump2016″”

Thursday: Chelsea Clinton and Hillary Clinton

“@RealDonaldTrump: Chelsea Clinton is a 4 on her best day. Ivanka is a 10. Great lips, breasts and legs. And her voice is seductive. Great lady!”

“@RealDonaldTrump: How sad to have a rapist father and a crooked mother. Amazing she has not killed herself. But still, not as hot as Ivanka on Ivanka’s worst day”

“@RealDonaldTrump Why is Crooked Hillary shouting? Screaming and shrill. NOT PRESIDENTIAL!”

“@RealDonaldTrump Crooked Hillary has told more lies tonight than even Lyin’ Ted. BAD!”

“@RealDonaldTrump Worst convention ever. No stars. No people. Just politicians and blacks. We are going to make America great again.”

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Donald Trump Names Donald Trump His VP Choice

After consulting himself, reviewing all the words he knows and DVR-ing all the Sunday shows, Donald Trump has come to the conclusion that of the all the names on his short list for Vice President, Donald Trump is the clear best choice.  “The main thing you want in a Vice President is someone who can be President, if God forbid, something were to happen to me that wasn’t terrific. And by that measure, there’s no one more presidential than me. I mean, I’m really terrific and so presidential. Tremendous presidential qualities.”  Among the reasons he also cited was that despite putting together “the greatest list of VP choices you’ve ever seen,” none passed his litmus test of “are they as good or close to as good at great things as me.”

His final five choices, which were kept quiet so that a proper “tremendously great vetting” could occur in secret, were a diverse group:

Suge Knight made the final five, because of his “great blackness,” “his name rhymes with ‘huge'” (it doesn’t) and “business leadership credentials – really a take no nonsense kind of guy,” but was eliminated because “he lost out on Dr. Dre and Beats headphones and I would never allow that.”  When asked if Knight’s prison time affected his decision Trump replied, “You can do amazing things with technology and I don’t need my VP in any particular place, so no – it had nothing to do with it. Martin Luther King Jr. was in prison, and I’m not saying Suge is MLK, but he’s a strong black and a leader so no, it had nothing to do with.”

Admiral James Stockdale made the list because he was the last VP candidate of an insurgent/third party candidate (Ross Perot) to gain any real national traction. “Great military guy, I mean one of the best, Patton, Eisenhower, Schwarzkopf and Stockdale are my Mount Rushmore of great military people,” said Trump of Stockdale, who passed away in 2005. “Alive, dead, who cares – Stockdale has more energy than Jeb Bush – that I guarantee it, but in the end it turns out he was captured during Vietnam and I think that sends tremendous weakness to our enemies, so I had to get rid of him.”

Chris Christie was also on the list of finalists.  The absentee governor of New Jersey has been acting like Trump’s verbal Luca Brasi on the campaign trail and has a record of leadership. “Probably the best governor we’ve ever had in this country, truly great,” gushed Trump.  “But he is a fat pig and I cannot digest my food around him. I mean it’s like watching Rosie O’Donnell have sex to look at him and if I can’t eat, I love to eat – I’m a terrific eater, then how can I lead, so Chris is a great friend, good guy, horrible, disgusting man. Can’t pick him.”

Ivanka Trump rounded out the final five, which was not much of a surprise considering how much trust Trump has shown her in business dealings. “I mean listen to that voice. She sounds like a phone sex operator, but instead of being some fat pig or phone bank in Mumbai – I love the Indian people, do a lot of business there, but come on – phone banks should be in America; it’s a disgrace – she looks like as hot as she sounds.  She can close business deals with her brain or with her body – really terrific young woman.” But in the end Trump couldn’t pick his daughter for one major reason. “She’s too hot. I mean we all saw what happened to Bill Clinton, I mean a real scumbag, when he had mediocre women around him in the White House. Ivanka is a guaranteed sex scandal if she is too close to me all the time. It’s not PC, but the fact is she is beautiful and I want to be faithful to Melania before I divorce her for her 50th birthday.”

So there it is, Donald Trump, after a wide ranging, thorough search has decided that a Donald Trump-Donald Trump ticket is what will make America great again.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Advice from a Comedian on How Hillary Clinton Should…

As the 2016 presidential race has finally begun to take final form, it is clear that Donald Trump will represent the GOP, barring a miracle or apocalyptic event (still a 20% chance of this) in Cleveland, and Hillary Clinton will win the Democratic nomination, despite the fuzzy, faith-based math of Bernie Sanders’ supporters.  People are correctly predicting this match-up will produce a truly disgusting level of discourse, 99% of it probably coming from Donald Trump.  But as a Clinton supporter (but I also donated to Bernie Sanders too!!!!) I am worried by her stump speech. She is clearly more competent, experienced and even-tempered than Trump, but then again so are Bobby Knight, Mike Tyson and Bruce Banner. But Hillary is too scripted and uninspiring in her stump speeches and when she does attack it often feels uninspired.  That is why I am offering my advice (and services) to the Clinton campaign.  Donald Trump is an Internet troll with a $10 billion budget and who better to battle trolls and a cash deficit than a struggling comedian with a “solid” YouTube presence?!  So here is my real advice for Hillary Clinton on how to approach The Donald and how to engage and debate The Donald.

1) Stop The-Ro-bot-Like-Way-You-De-Liv-er-Strong-Rhe-tor-i-cal-Points

Although your crowd liked your “If playing the woman’s card means equal pay, control of our bodies (paraphrasing here)… THEN DEAL. ME. IN.” I cringed. Not because it wasn’t a good line, but because I knew you would use it 30,000 times in the next two weeks in the same robotic cadence.  Good lines take good writing and good delivery.  This is why the GOP voters hate Ted Cruz. he may be smarter than Trump, but he debates and speaks like he is trying to win high school student council while Trump sounds like a guy holding court at a bar.  Secretary Clinton, you are a policy wonk, tough and smart. Embrace that. Stop trying to come up with Larry The Cable Guy catch phrases (because they seem stale when you deliver them). Be strong and smart and leave the catch phrases to TrusTed Cruz.

2) If a voter is “undecided” between you and DONALD TRUMP… fu*k ’em; they’re already lost

You have one mission from this point on – robust endorsements and campaigning from President Obama and Bernie Sanders. If someone is actually “deciding” between you and Trump then count them as Trump voters or non-voters.  On this point I think you are doing well. His voters are like a racist version of Leonidas in the film 300, minus the abs and honor. “Racist… racist? THIS IS TRUMP!!!!”  You just need to focus on minorities, women and as much of Obama’s coalition as possible. Don’t try to “win” support from Trump people or “on the fence people.” Please. It will probably end up looking gross to people on the left who may be on the Bernie-Hillary fence, which is a group you can still court with some success.

3) Do not engage in Trump’s game

Hollywood is in love with nerds right now, but in politics and Middle America, the rich jock is still king. So do not try to engage in insults with him. Everyone who has tried has failed. Not because Trump is so quick, but because he has no moral basement.  Jeb Bush had the single best line in a debate to insult Trump when he suggested that Trump got his foreign policy knowledge from Saturday morning cartoons.  Unfortunately, by then it was after 8 weeks of brutal beatings at the hands of Trump and too late to do any damage.  Rubio went insult comic and he dropped out 2 weeks later.  Though I have one exception -if he goes after your marriage hint at his 3 marriages. If he goes deeper than say your marriage is not perfect, which is well documented, but you were committed to working on it. This turns a weak personal moment into a narrative of never giving up and commitment that clearly Trump doesn’t possess, but you would never have to explicitly go after Melania Trump.

4) Debate like Trump Is Irrelevant

Al Gore got into trouble for sighing and being dismissive of George W. Bush in 2000.  I know this is dangerous, but Trump is not and will not be competent or informed enough to actually debate you. Turn “debates” with Trump into discussions on policy and experience with the moderator(s) and American public. If he insults you in an irrelevant way, treat it like a child farted. An unpleasant hiccup during an adult discussion. Draw the contrast to people to know that if they don’t vote for you, an angry, bloated child will have his fingers on the button. You are not trying to win over Trump voters. You will simply highlight that one person is competent and knowledgeable and one isn’t. If insults are his best points, your insistence on being issue driven will make him look more and more absurd.  Remember, Trump has not been in any 1 on 1 debates and you can expose him easily if you treat them like policy seminars.  You cannot win the personality match with him, so don’t try with catch phrases or overly-prepared quips.

5) Admit What Some People Don’t Like About You AKA The 8 Mile Technique

Admit you aren’t likeable to some people. Admit that 25 years of being a target of the GOP has made you guarded and sometimes off putting. Not as some “people don’t like strong women” talking point, but as a reality of your personality and life.  But emphasize that those flaws are not a reason to vote for a blustery carnival barker and caution does not make you a liar or “crooked.”  In other words, do the 69 year old white politician version of B-Rabbit:

6) Share This Donald Trump Infomercial:

My fee for this excellent advice is to simply help my Trump video go viral. You’re welcome.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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The GOP Hates Hillary Clinton More Than They Love…

My favorite thing about the hysteria in the GOP is how their Trump-phobia still cannot bring them to say that they would vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump.  This completes the Modern GOP establishment’s complete unmasking.  The first part was the rise of Trump – a candidate who fan base was conceived during Richard Nixon’s “Silent Majority,” went through puberty during Ronald Reagan’s renaissance of “States’ Rights” and finished maturing during the George W. Bush’s complete embrace of the religious right  begun during Reagan’s presidency.  Now, the candidate, accurately described by many columnists as the GOP’s Frankenstein, is leading the charge of those constituencies (religious people tired of being lied to – they will accept a non-religious guy who promises them real world results rather than the Kingdom of Heaven, angry white people tired of “others” being given priority in school, work or news cycles, and scared people terrified of foreign others who want a strong man to be their bully) that have been used by the GOP for votes, but rarely given results for their loyalty.

The hilariousness of the establishment GOP’s response to Trump has been to say first, that “he doesn’t represent the Republican party.” Really? First off he has consistently polled between 30 and 45% of GOP voters, which is why I dubbed them the “Angry Plurality” on my podcast.  So statistically he seems to represent the party more than anyone else right now.  Second, from demonizing the Civil Rights movement in the 60s, embracing the “States’ Rights” dog whistle in the 80s, demonizing gay people as a wedge issue promising a Constitutional Amendment in the 2000s and then embracing the “Birther” movement (or not disavowing it) amplified by Trump in the 2010s while calling Obama a socialist (a painfully obvious proxy for the N word) and a liar during the State of the Union, the GOP has done everything but put a crown on Donald Trump’s head, Trump is the rightful heir to this half century legacy of using or manipulating code words, wedge issues and racism.

And yet, despite branding Donald Trump all four horseman of the Apocalypse, the party that claims to love America almost as much as they love unborn babies and fossil fuels, it seems no GOP people can bring themselves to say they would vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump. One candidate, according to GOP establishment figures, would make America somewhere between a pile of nuclear ash and a global joke (but a joke like an Adam Sandler film post 1999 – intended to be funny, but really just sad and wasteful when thought about). The other is a centrist Democrat, with 25 years of executive and legislative experience on domestic and foreign issues who would appoint 1-3 left of center Supreme Court justices.  And this brings me to the second unmasked truth about the modern GOP: they hate Hillary Clinton more than they “love America.”

I have heard Trump get called “uniquely unprepared to be president,” “un-presidential,” a “terrible person,” “weak on policy” and generally “dangerous.” And this is just by Republican talking heads and establishment figures. So naturally for a party that “doesn’t stand for what Donald Trump represents” and cares about “Country First,” voting for Hillary Clinton would be a no-brainer right, if only to point out how truly dangerous the GOP really believes Trump is?  She has been Secretary of State, worked closely with 2 presidents, was a Senator, is well respected by most colleagues (at least for her work ethic, if not ideologically) and is well versed in policy, both domestic and foreign. Certainly that is a better option than a man whose policy speeches resemble the writings of Jack Nicholson in The Shining (but with “All Work and No Play Make Jack a Dull Boy” replaced with “Make America Great Again”)?

Nope.

So congrats GOP, not only have your half century of lies and reliance on base elements of our national consciousness been exposed, but now your patriotism has also been revealed as hollow.  So if Donald Trump, a carnival barker/pied piper of angry racists and “the poorly educated. I love the poorly educated” ever steps in the White House you can enjoy your view of the Apocalypse with the comfort that your real priorities are protected:

3) No Trump Presidency

2) Safe, Secure and Respected America

1) No Hillary Clinton

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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11 Headlines You Will See with a Hillary Clinton…

Yesterday the biggest surprise announcement since “the sky is blue” occurred when Hillary Clinton announced she was running for President in 2016.  There are several obstacles in Clinton’s way, the biggest one that America hates a presumptive nominee this far in advance.  American voters like to feel that they matter, even if it means shunning the qualified candidate to make a statement (e.g. the 2000 election should not have even been that close, whether you think GW Bush actually won or not).  But the nomination and election are still a ways away so I think now is a good time to anticipate some of the headlines and click bait that are sure to arise if Clinton is elected president.  Other than ruining men’s perfect 44-0 record of presidents, click bait may be the biggest reason I choose to not vote for Clinton. After all, minimum wage increases, Pacific trade deals and Middle East violence are much less part of my life than Facebook and Twitter click bait articles. So here are some titles you are likely to see from liberal and conservative sources:

1) Middle East leader refuses to shake President Clinton’s hand because she is a woman. What she does next is AWESOME! – Upworthy.  I put this at 117% chance of occurring

2) #YesAllPantSuits will become a hashtag after some conservative bloggers and Elizabeth Hasselbeck criticize her wardrobe one too many times.

3) The Bitch is Back?! – Controversy after GOP fundraiser featuring several GOP nominees plays Elton John’s song upon hearing that Clinton has secured the nomination. After a major backlash, Metallica agrees to play a Clinton fundraiser blaring their song Aint My Bitch to the crowd’s delight.  GOP commentators on Fox then blast Metallica and Clinton claiming hypocrisy. Discussion quickly moves on to how black people shouldn’t use the N word either.

4) Breaking The Glass Floor – mean article about Hillary gaining weight while on the campaign trail

5) Dy-nasty – NY Daily News headline when Bill inevitable takes off the gloves (and perhaps his pants) to defend Hillary against comments, probably by either Ted Cruz or Chris Christie once she secures the nomination.

6) 17 Times Hillary Caught Bill Cheating… and did NOTHING – yes this old chestnut will be re-packaged with 2015 click bait sensibilities by one of those fringe conservative Facebook pages.

7) 19 Other Women Who Should Have Been Our First Female President – inevitably boredom, dissatisfaction or some other bitter emotion will overcome the Internet and Jezebel will post some list of women, presumably including Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Chelsea Handler, who were overlooked for the job before Hillary’s rise to power.

8) You Won’t Believe These Younger Pics of Hillary – Babe Alert! – Some site will located a few decent pics of young Hillary Rodham and declare her a babe at which point a feminist site will post less than a week later…

9) What if We Judged Male Presidential nominees like Hillary???

10) Why Hillary Clinton is the Worst President Ever – After all she may not be black, but she won’t give the GOP even that 6 month grace period of “I’m popular and have a mandate, but let’s see if we can work together on 1990s Republican ideas about defense and health care” that President Obama foolishly tried.  So their anger may equal or exceed that for Barack.  And for good measure:

11) Why Michelle Obama would be a better President than Hillary – Oh come on – you know this one will show up sometime between today and 2018.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Rich, Religious or Racist & Why Obama Needs The…

I did not want to hammer away on the health care reform aftermath, or the afterbirth known as the Tea Party movement, but I feel it is a little necessary.

At least they're being polite.

I have always believed there to be three large constituent groups within the Republican Party: the Rich, the Religious and the Racist (and no, I do not want to turn this into some gimmicky, phrase-coining post like it’s a Thomas Friedman column, but here we go). Sometimes all three can be present in one Republican, but often many fit into one of the three groups, with desire for economic security and prosperity being the most common. 

The Rich

First, the rich.  This means more than people of means, because there are plenty of wealthy Democrats and plenty of poor Republicans who believe (or say they believe) that lower taxes is important because it stimulates business and means less intrusion into their lives.  I genuinely believe this is phony.  Economic Republicans, whether poor or rich believe in one thing, holding on to their money or dreaming that when they get lots of money that they can keep all of it.  Perfectly entitled to that desire, but I hate when it’s discussed in macroeconomic terms by individuals concerned with their individual circumstances.

A great way to hide this is to call yourself libertarian, which allows the rich Republicans to say that marijuana should be legal or that they are pro-choice, which for these two issues I think amounts to, “I don’t really give a sh*t about those issues, but I can seem less of a frightening Republican if I concede those issues.”  If you were so pro-Choice or so pro-liberty than why would you vote for a Republican in this political climate, at least the ones offered nationally?  (And maybe you don’t/didn’t and then this does not apply to you and I say welcome to the Democratic party either now or down the road, even if you won’t admit it because you come from a family tradition of Republicans.)  One reason: lower taxes.

The Religious

The religious Republicans seem to scare my NYC friends the most, but I do not have a problem with some of them because I consider one of the defining issues of this group, being pro-life (or anti-choice if I must), a legitimate philosophical and moral belief.  Do I think some political people use it as a wedge issue? Absolutely.  But I found the bashing of Bart Stupak (a Democrat I know, but aligned with Republicans on one of this signature divisive issues) by a lot of liberals quite terrible.  Some would say the increasingly arbitrary line of viability (thanks ironically to scientific advancement) is more absurd than a bright line pro or anti abortion stance.  Other issues like prayer in school I understand Republicans views (at least the ones sincerely held), even if I agree with the current law.  But at the end of the day, many of the things that Republicans tell their religious base (we’ll ban gay marriage in The Constitution, we’ll end abortion, John Boehner is naturally tan and his name is pronounced Bay-nor) are just not possible in this country, politically or socially.  But they placate this segment of their base to keep them at fever pitch so that they can be relied on for votes.  And then in all fairness, not to give a large swath of this group a pass, many of them are fu-king crazy.  If you are an atheist you probably think everyone with religious beliefs are crazy, but you know what I mean.

The Racist

But then there is the third group of Republicans, who have nicely and loudly proclaimed themselves Tea Party Republicans – the Racists.  Are there Democrats who are racists? Sure.  Republicans love to bring up Robert Byrd, former member of the KKK as an example.  But who is more racist, or at least enabling to racists: Robert Byrd whose record is marred by insensitive votes, and racist associations early in his career, but later marked by transformation through time and as recently as the middle of the last decade a 100% vote approval by the NAACP, or House Minority Leader John Boehner, who condemned the usage of bricks and racial slurs, not to mention death threats, by people upset over “Health Care Reform” (I put it in quotes because “health care reform” and “socialist” had become mere proxies for “Nig*er until the Tea Party decided to stop being polite), but suggested that they sublimate their “anger” into things that are useful for the party. 

When your party gives you racists, make lemonade!

This is incredible!  This is a party leader coming as close as anyone since Strom Thurmond to basically say, “we want your racism, your backwards thinking and your hostility in our party; just don’t embarrass us by acting upon it illegally. Vote Republican in 2010!”  A more meaningful and principled stand would be to say, “We don’t want you in the Republican party – we hope to be a party of ideas and solutions, and defiance if we have to be, but we don’t want you if this is how you act.  I remember former Wyoming Senator Alan Simpson (Republican) react almost violently when someone made a Republican-gay rights crack to him on a show concerning Matthew Sheppard.  He was so offended by the suggestion that those actions could be affiliated with his party or himself (he was actually a prominent spokesman for civil rights and gay rights).  The vitriol that Simpson responded with and the anger that Boehner showed towards the health care bill is the same broad-based anger Republican leaders should have responded with towards their Tea Party brethren (and let’s not forget that Nancy Pelosi has taken a lot of heat.  Like Hillary Clinton, Pelosi seems able to generate spontaneous hatred – a friend of mine who is Republican had proclaimed “hatred” for Clinton in high school, without any tangible reason, and the same for Pelosi). 

On race the Republicans have always been decades late and even then, a token, insulting response.  Clarence Thomas (whose early personal history is quite remarkable and could make anyone an angry reactionary) was, nonetheless, the very unqualified Republican replacement for Thurgood Marshall.  The Republican response to Barack Obama was clown prince Michael Steele.  These seem like responses born out of the spirit of the Spike Lee film Bamboozled, not choices actually made from a more inclusive and sensitive political party. 

And the issue of race, is also hidden beneath many of the economic arguments.  As Bill Maher said last week (I don’t always agree with him, but on this point I did), the health care reform reminds people of welfare.  And despite Chris Rock and Jerry Springer’s best efforts, many people in this country still view welfare as their hard earned dollars of whites going to a black mother with 9 black kids in a black neighborhood.

And saying liberals said hurtful and hateful things about George Bush is not a defense.  George Bush started two wars (botched a justified one and heartily engaged in an unjust one), helped facilitate the Great Recession, botched the response to Hurricane Katrina, sanctioned torture, put oil executives in charge of environmental policy, and ignored or at least was derelict in his attention to warnings of 9/11, to name a few things.  He was the Secretariat of bad presidents.  Obama gave 30 million more Americans health care.  Which angry reaction seemed more appropriate and which one seemed more like it should be condemned by the establishment of the respective party? 

When it comes to bad presidencies - George W. Bush leaves everyone far behind. So why all the hate for Obama?

It reminds me of the climactic scene in A Time To Kill where Matthew McConaughey (alright alright) describes the crime to the jury, but flips it on them at the end.  Well to this third group I would say, “Close your eyes. Now, imagine more of your friends and neighbors could have affordable health care, or that relative of yours that died because of rejection from health insurance companies was allowed to keep his or her insurance.  Now imagine that this was done, in large part, because your President made a promise to a dying Senator, and because this President’s mother had died of Cancer and because he believed it could help lots of people. Now imagine that that President is white.” 

The defensh reshtsh.