Blog

So I had off Monday and Tuesday and I decided the best ways to relax would be to take my former girlfriend’s kid out for pizza and then sleep on the floor of my living room. Let me explain.

AJ and I have a long standing relationship dating back to January 2005(listen to the CD if you don’t know). He feeds me material and I give him food occasionally, usually in the form of movie snacks and make him laugh at my bafoonery. To keep my comedy career alive and to keep AJ well fed I picked him up from his after school program on Tuesday. Unfortunately in what was either oversight or the best prank ever, AJ’s Mom “forgot” to tell them that I would be picking him up. Let awkwardness ensue.

Now AJ was a good sport and high fived (I think I will try to teach him the Boart “HIGH FIIIVE!”) me when I got to the after school center, thus giving me some credibility as the person there to pick him up. However they had never heard of me, at which point I think they ran and checked their sex offender registry photo book. I thought his Mom had called Dateline and was trying to set me up as some creepy pedophile. “Sure AJ remembers me… I am J-L, the guy with the movie snacks. The popcorn is right outside in my windowless white van AJ.”

Well after the body cavity search and the background check I was allowed to leave with AJ. And I won’t have to go door-to-door in my community, introducing myself. We had pizza and exchanged stories about work. I told him that I had to meet with the police in the community and he told me about the alphabet. I then envied him wishing I could back to a time where the alphabet and numbers were newer events. I then dropped him off at his home and made my way to a police council meeting nearby.

Then I got home.

My brother and his wife (remember the successful couple with the cute baby on the home page) were coming into town late that night for a funeral the next day. That’s not the funny part. I, as the financial and emotional drain on my parents, still live at home. My room can accommodate a couple, especially a successful one. However, they cannot then accommodate me as well. So I had to drag my twin mattress out onto the living room floor with blanket and pillow in hand to sleep on the floor. I had only gotten a few hours of sleep the night before so I was dead tired. I fell quickly asleep at 11:30 pm and slept soundly until… 5:31 AM. Maybe it is my military haircut, or my depression or the fact that I was sleeping on the floor, but that is no time to wake up. But that is the time of night/day when my mother grabs the New York Times. Fortunately she gave me just the 11 hour head start I needed before going into work for the 4 pm-2am shift. So after an early morning trip to the gym (38 lbs lost since March 2006 – leaving me at 246 lbs – 2-6 pounds off of my college playing weight. Pretty good considering I am neither in college, nor playing on any sport team). Needing a pick-me-up, I came back and turned on HBO2 and saw Walk The Line.

In a 24 hour period that featured memories, painful back aches and the dread of working 10 hours tonight (where do you think I am now), Joaquin Phoenix made me feel much happier, even if it was the 44th time I have seen that movie on a derivative of HBO.

My favorite things about Walk The Line:

1) The tunes – I actually feel that Joaquin Phoenix sings half of them better than Johnny Cash. Ring of Fire being the most salient example.

2) The Love Story – Johnny Cash proves that, drug use, holding your guitar in an inexplicably awkward fashion and rampant cheating will land you the love of your life. So will someone pass me a joint, a six string and a hammer so I can shatter my moral compass and let’s find some love!

3) It proves that sometimes it can be cooler pretending to be a person (Joaquin Phoenix) than actually being that person (Johnny Cash). That is why in my biopic I will play myself. That way I can receive accolades for my dead-on portrayal of myself. “He captured the sarcasm, the bad choices and the height so well.” 4 stars.

Tonight I get to sleep in my twin bed. If you need to reach me tonight I will be questioning my purpose in life. But don’t e-mail or call me between 2:30 am and 5:31 am – I’ll be sleeping.

Wednesday was a big day. The government allowed me to leave work at 3 pm. It was effectively a Friday and I had tickets to Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny and reservations at a nice restaurant. Great night in the making.

Well, in an interesting coincidence, our waiter looked like a dead ringer for Jack Black, but just taller with an Eastern European accent. He informed us that he ran a modeling agency. Out of his apartment. I then asked him what his address was so I could tell the cops where at least a dozen severed heads of women could probably be found.

But our waiter could not stop talking. So he got out of me that I was an ADA in the Bronx. I then went to the restroom, intentionally making it very uncomfortable for my dinner companion. When I got back to the table I was informed that our waiter said that he had just gotten out of jury duty. His method was simple. He told the court that he did not like blacks or jews. From that point he was known to us as Racist Jack Black.

Then we saw Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny. If you are not a Jack Black fan this movie may not be for you. If you are a Jack Black fan then it is a masterwork. It is not as good as School of Rock (but what really is), but it is tremendous.

I then made a post movie pledge to go watch School of Rock in honor of Jack Black, but I got sidetracked. Damn you Gin and Tonic.

Well last night I had my audition for Live at Gotham, the Comedy Central Show featuring up and coming comics at Gotham Comedy Club.

Some highlights:

1) A new joke I have been working on about how my Mom and Dad met killed. I was very happy.

2) I only said 1 “pussy,” 1 “bitch” and I “fu-k” or “sh-t” (I cannot remember which one). I believe that was clean enough.

3) I would grade it out for me as an A- (although I obviously wanted an A). Not a bad grade

Lowlights:

1) My United 93 joke was not as strong as it needed to be although it did get some laughs. Writing has already occurred to improve this one.

2) My line “I don’t support the troops, but I support the war” I was informed by Comedian Tim Young that this was a line made infamous by Bill Hicks on Letterman some years back. I obviously did not know this and now have to figure how to work the intro line to a bit of mine. Or say – Bill Hicks is dead and I came up with it on my own.

3) I was getting heckled by some patrons and went on a tirade on them. I informed them that 100 years ago they would have been swinging from a tree with pitchforks in their asses. I then proceeded to call them Nig–rs several times and tell them that I wasn’t scared of them. I don’t know what was worse, the fact that that probably cost me the audition or that the people heckling me were Asian.

Either way I am happy for the opportunity and I hope that I get to do the show. If not it could be worse, right Kramer?

Quick movie reviews:

For Your Consideration – really bad. Best in Show seems really long ago watching this movie. C-/D+ (John Michael Higgins stops it from being lower)

Casino Royale – Bond on Steroids – good stuff B+

Tomorrow – Tenacious D. There is a reason Jack Black is one of my MySpace heroes.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Today started like any other. I got out of bed questioning the meaning of existence why I only seem to be able to get 3 hours of sleep a night. I then promptly plugged in my Ipod to drown those questions out and run around my neighborhood as I get in shape for some athletic competition that will never happen.

I then went to work, prepared for a Grand Jury presentation and made various phone calls. Relatively ho hum day. Ate a roast beef sandwich and apple for lunch. Wondered when it was going to rain and if it was actually going to rain right at 5 pm when I leave.

Then I got an awesome e-mail.

Gotham Comedy Club, on the recommendation of someone out at the LA Improv, to whom I owe a debt of gratitude for listening to my CD and watching my DVD, has offered me an audition spot for Live at Gotham, their weekly stand up show on Comedy Central that debuted this past Summer.

After a month of dreary blogs and fewer performances I feel like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank after he has emerged from the sh-t of Shawshank’s sewage and is holding his hands rejoicing in the rain.

However, I understand that the movie still requires the happier ending. If I nail the audition it will be like seeing Red at the end of the movie. If I don’t get the audition it will sort of be like finding out the Queens are waiting for me when I reach my destination. So although my Shawshank tale is on the right path, the movie ain’t over.

Wish me luck – Monday 8:30 at Gotham Comedy Club.

Where is Borat when you need him?

This weekend I traveled to Pittsburgh with my brother to see the Pittsburgh Steelers play the New Orleans Saints. Tickets and trip financed by my brother because he is what is known in the real world as a “success.”

Before we left we had to rake some leaves, but as you can see from the photos, I delegated my raking to my 22 month old nephew. I think it is good to get him working – it builds character.

We set out for Pittsburgh on Sunday morning nice and early. I was wearing my Steeler jersey and my brother wearing his. My jersey is Ben Roethlesburger, who was injured in a motorcycle crash in the pre-season and my brother was wearing his Joey Porter jersey, a player who had been shot in the butt a few years ago at a random gunfight at a Colorodo bar. We both chose the jerseys because the respective players’ stories so closely reflected our own lives.

As we made our way to Pittsburgh I found myself asking – “isn’t Pennsylvania a Blue state?” There were lots of W stickers on cars and random men walking on the side of the road with shotguns. As always happens in my ironic inner monologue, Melloncamp’s “Ain’t that America” started playing.

We stopped by a diner about an hour from the stadium, where we had a very nice (i.e. creepy) waitress who kept asking me how my food and milkshake were in the following form, “I bet you like that milkshake, don’t cha?” Other than the fact that I ordered a vanilla and you brought me a chocolate, yes. But she did bring me a vanilla as well, free of charge. I drank both and realized why America is getting so fat. And then I admired our waitress’ fang-like teeth.

We arrived at Pittsburgh at about 1 p.m. My brother decided that we should kill some time at a nearby shopping mall. There was supposed to be a shuttle bus from the mall to the stadium, but as the pictures indicate, the bus never showed up. I also enjoyed looking in an arcade at the mall and seeing various terrorist themed video games. We will fight them in an arcade so we don’t have to fight them here.

So we finally arrive at Heinz Field at about 4 pm. Football fans are a scary breed, especially Pittsburgh fans. They have such a forced devotion that is hard to imagine being 100% genuine. And there is something inherent in white trash that they all say “Y’all,” even though my instincts would tell me that that would be the exclusive province of southern white trash.

So my brother and I made it up to our seats which were in the second to last row of the stadium smooshed in between a lot of red blooded Americans. They type of guys who are half a mile away from the field, but think calling an opposing player “homo” or “piece of sh-t” from that distance is going to have an effect on the play. I wish Borat had been there to start kissing these men on the cheeks. “I like you. Do you like me?”

There are pics from my trip in the blog photo section. I think they are slightly funnier than this entry. The Steelers won so the trip was a success.

And check out my store page – new price cuts on my CD for the holidays.

But at least I had 2 government holidays

Interesting week for your favorite struggling comic.

Sunday – went out for a drink or 8 with some co-workers to celebrate the completion of the NYC marathon of a few of my co-workers who ran it.

Monday – went out for a drink or 8 with some co-workers to celebrate the completion of the NYC marathon of a few of my co-workers who ran it. The only difference was that I also lost a trial that day, making Monday slightly worse.

Tuesday – had off from work. Did my civic duty and voted. I felt like I was at Church. I was the only person under 50 without kids.

Wednesday – I went to the Utah Jazz vs. NJ Nets game. Great time and great game even though the Jazz lost. I cheered just enough to scare the little Nets fans sitting around me. The third best thing about the game was Boney James – the “cool cat” who played sax at the game. I asked myself, man your career must be in trouble if you are playing the sax at a Nets hafltime. But he was not bad, so said my guest who was a Jazz fan (the musical kind, not hoops). And if I could perform comedy at halftime of a Nets game I would probably be happy. Wednesday was a good day, but the calm before the storm.

Thursday – I performed a 12 minute set at a bar downtown. In front of 2 audience members. There were 5 comics and 2 audience members. I almost decided to pick up a drug addiction after the show just to see if my comedy career could get any worse.

But Friday is a new day and I offer the following bits of hope for my comedy fan(s):

1) Me and three of my comedian friends are very close to picking a spot for our twice a month show. May starts shows as early as December in midtown Manhattan. Stay tuned

2) My CD is going to have a huge Holiday price drop – please tell your friends to check in or buy it as a cheap present for your family and friends

3) Steeler game on Sunday in Pittsburgh with my brother. If anything it will at least provide a blog and new photos.

Last night I saw Borat. Sitting directly in front of me was Michael Moore. When I went to get popcorn before the movie on line ahead of me was Keanu Reeves. I wonder if they went home and told their friends and families -” I saw that guy J-L Cauvin at the movie.” Probably not, but my impression of Keanu Reeves from Devil’s Advocate is so good that I sometimes think I am a bad Canadian actor.

The movie was very funny. But I feel like with my friends who have seen it we were all left feeling like we had given Borat no choice but to be the greatest comedy of all time. That is a heavy burden to bear. I would give it an A-. I would give my drunken imitation of Borat after the movie a D+.

In other news today I received a solicitation for free porn DVDs – sort of like Columbia House, but with abusive stepparents and fake breasts. I have actually been wondering how long this would take. In person I am a charismatic and engaging and attractive to anywhere between 10% and 95% of the female population, depending on how arrogant gin has made me. On paper I am a 27 year old living with his parents. Perhaps if the porn people knew that I was not in need for the cozy comforts that only a money shot can bring they would not have sent it to me, but on paper the probably saw that I live at home, do stand up comedy and went to law school and figured – this guy needs our product. And that is not true.

And if that is not humiliating enough I was invited by Fitness Made Simple’s John Basedow to be his MySpace friend. I of course accepted because I want my fitness made simple. I think I will add him to my top 16 because he has helped dozens of Americans get in better shape.

Adventures with my nephew and a month without comedy.

I spent this last weekend with my brother and his family in Washington D.C. It was pleasant and relaxing. And it also made me feel old because at 27 I have not technically outgrown the drooling at women dressed as 9 varieties of whore on Halloween but I was content to chill at home.

In the afternoon I accompanied my nephew to the annual neighborhood Halloween parade. He was supposed to go as a train, but the costume did not suit him and he went as Tigger (which he went as last year). A few parents said to him, “Oh look it’s Tigger,” and I had to inform them that they cannot refer to him as Tigger unless they are Tigers themselves. It was uncomfortable.

On Sunday I watched Munich with my brother on his new sweet plasma surround sound set up. All I kept thinking was terrorism is so much more exiting in surround sound. And I thought boy I would love a set up like this, but I guess I would need money and success first.

Then I went home on the world’s most crowded Amtrak ever. Many people ask why I don’t take the shuttle and I say because flying is unnatural and uncomfortable both from my knees’ perspective and my Richie Valens fear perspective. And if I died in a plane crash Esai Morales would not go running up a hill screaming RICHIEEEEEEE. Probably because he does not know me and La Bamba was just a movie.

So then I arrived home and realized that November was on the horizon and I had 0 shows scheduled. 3 and a half years of comedy. Writing good jokes, working on impersonations, trying to make contacts and I have exactly the same number of shows scheduled as I did in May 2003: the month before I ever went to an open mic. To highlight this I have begun to fill out my calendar with random crap that I will be doing during the month. They will at least be blog material and photo ops.

Maybe I should just run for office. Except with Barak Obama and even more so, Harold Ford Jr., the “black guys who are articulate and visually appealing to white people and may even tempt white people to vote for them” card is all full. Even as a politician I would be hacky. The hacky half-black politician now. Oh yeah, he went to Georgetown and his Dad is black, but Obama is smarter and Harold Ford has more piercing eyes. I am the Darko Milicic of possible half black politicians. With the first pick, Illinois selects Barak Obama, Second pick NY selects J-L Cauvin? (the Knicks do draft terribly) and third, Tennessee selects Harold Ford Jr.. If you do not know about the 2003 NBA draft – go look it up.

Well expect a lot of November bloggings ‘cause there ain’t much more going on.

So I am about to donate blood at my job. I asked the Red Cross if I double sweat and tears, would I still have to give blood and they said yes.

I have never given blood just for the sake of giving it. I have asked that it be taken from me on occasion at the doctor’s office. I liked it when the doctor only told me about my cholesterol count and iron levels. Now, that I am adult male, they always want to ask me – “do you want an HIV test?” Honestly – no. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Besides for a long time in my life, the chances of me catching HIV were about as likely as a virgin becoming pregnant. All I am saying is that if I tested positive I would have probably founded a religion (my initials are JC).

Anyway, about a year ago, give or take some months because my job and life have an intense monotony that makes differentiating anything but years difficult to do, I was at the doctor’s and he asked if I wanted to test for HIV. I said – ehhh, ok. I have had this test 3 times before. 0 for 3. Much like terrorists according to George Bush, HIV only needs to get it right once. So the doctor takes my blood and tells me to call in a few days to make an appointment to come in (it is kind of like a really morbid Oscar ceremony).

So the night before I call I receive a letter in the mail. Hmmmmmm – it is my blood test results with blank spots for the HIV results. There is also a letter saying that I NEED to make an appointment to discuss my results.

Point one – doctor never said anything about a letter.

Point two – the two people you should probably not tell this news to are a) your girlfriend and b) your mother. And then your father will assume you got someone pregnant because you are speaking in hushed tones about test results.

So I went to the doctor’s office the next morning for a walk-in. I did not know if it was all in my mind, but all I felt was dread. I mean, sure AIDS for the Magic Johnsons of the world is like finding out you have diabetes, but for guys without world class trainers, doctors and millions of dollars for medicines, it seems worse. And I know that bull about it NOT being a death sentence. Well, since it takes 15 years to kill someone on death row, I guess the death penalty is not a death sentence either.

So I finally get into an office where I wait (my doctor was out that day so another doctor was to discuss my results with me). I see a stack of blood tests sitting face up. Then a nurse walks in with one sheet of blood tests right outside the examining room. And she places it face down. At this point my girlfriend at the time calls me and I say in my calmest voice – I DON’T FUCKING KNOW YET (actually I was much calmer because of the stress I had already cause, but that read funnier).

So then the doctor comes in, picks up the face down sheet as I suspected and says, “How are you.”

Why don’t you let me know – I got a letter in the mail and I think it was from the AIDS Publisher’s Clearing House. Ed McMahon walked into my house and congratulated me.

She replies, “Oh everything is fine with your tests – we are supposed to tell you about the letter. Your doctor didn’t?”

No he did not, but thanks for the good news. Phew! One of the most stressful days of my life.

So on that note I am off to give blood. There’s no reason to be stressed. Red Cross only calls you if there’s a problem. So no news is good news. Except 6 months ago they called my co-worker by accident. It took him a day or two to talk to someone and then they told him – “Oh, that was an accident.”

And my office plays horror movies during the blood drive. That’s right as I am wondering if I am the next Tommy Morrison I really want to see people cutting their limbs off in Saw. The only thing more inappropriate would be a prison movie or And the Band Played On. Although that would be funny.

Well, off to help my fellow man. Oh there will be blood.

So this weekend, starting Friday I saw 3 movies, two in the theater and one on DVD. Here is my re-cap:

Friday – The Prestige.

I enjoyed this movie and would give it a high B+. Although the end was disappointing a little bit I thought it was well acted and kept my interest for all 2 hours. I do have one major problem with the film: Hugh Jackman.

He is too jacked. 8 pack abs and ripped shoulders work for Wolverine, but they don’t make as much sense for an 1899 magician. Apparently he was using magic to conjure up Human Growth Hormone and Creatine.

Saturday – double feature.

The first movie I watched was a DVD of a critically acclaimed foreign movie, Y Tu Mama Tambien, which I believe is Spanish for “Gratutious Sex Scenes and More Cock Shots than Most Pornos.”

This film was recommended to me by a friend who is a former NYU student who took one too many film classes at Tisch. Here is the synopsis of film – (spoiler for any pretentious film students) Boys bang girlfriends like they have trains to catch. Girlfriends go to Italy. Boys are bored. Boys masturbate on diving boards. Boys meet married woman. Both boys bang married woman like they’ve got a train to catch. Boys confess that they have banged each other’s girlfriends. Friendship is fractured. Boys have threesome with married woman. Boys kiss. Friendship repaired. J-L wondering why the f–k did I put this on my list of Netflix movies.

I give the movie a C, but I am sure I “didn’t get it.”

Then came an afternoon trip with my family to see Flags of Our Fathers. I give the book an A, but the movie an A-. Guy who plays Ira Hayes will get a best supporting actor nomination. Ryan Phillipe, despite being Justin Timberlake’s twin brother is solid. And then Paul Walker managed to get into the film (I felt the same way as Chris Rock in Bring the Pain when he asks, “How did Marion barry get a ticket to the Million Man March?”). This is the second great WWII movie (Saving Private Ryan was better) that a Fast and the Furious star has weasled into. Who can forget Vin Diesel’s riveting portrayl of Caparzzo in SPR? I assume Ja Rule will be in the next WWII movie to come out.

After that exiting weekend I now sit in my office on a Sunday responding to motions. No wonder I like movies so much.