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Jack Bauer must stop torturing people

The last two days were some of the most fun I have had at work. The main reason: I was not at work. I got to go to the Public Interest Law Fair at NYU law school. So for two days I got to talk to law students about where I work and the summer internship program at my office, which I actually participated in – the last summer before I discovered stand up comedy.

Now I thought I like talking and I guess I do. But talking for 8 hours a day, repeating the same stuff (and rotating the same 10 jokes) about 25 times a day is like a scared straight program for people who like to talk. “I swear I am done with all this talking sh-t!”

But the best thing about it was seeing students who, even if they are faking or acting exceptionally nice because they think I can help them get a job, still believe in their own potential. Work tends to crush that hope mercilessly so it was refreshing to get out of the office and see men and women who still have hope and dreams.

That said I took someone’s coat by accident after the fair and learned 3 hours later when I saw an Ipod in the pocket and then looked further and saw that it was not my coat. So now I have done a 180. I have had my Ipod stolen and now I have stolen an Ipod. I tried to do some detective work and saw that there was St John’s law school stationary (clue #1). Then I said to myself – oh, whose name is this registered to. Well, unfortunately the person opted for a nickname, “Dolemite Q.” Good plan – maybe I should register my Ipod “Shaft,” so if I lose it, it can be returned to Sam Jackson or Richard Roundtree.

Hopefully this gets resolved (and I get my own coat back), but then I woke up this morning, opened the Daily News and learned that there are much more pressing issues at hand.

The United States Military has figured out what is hurting our wars in Iraq and on Terror: Jack Bauer’s stand on torture.

This season on 24 (which is about as farfetched as can be) Jack Bauer’s has decided to torture everyone from terrorists to his own brother to the guy at the McDonald’s drive thru that fu-ked up his order. “I ORDERED TWO APPLE PIES. NOW TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!”

Can people in the military be serious? 24 is art imitating life, not the other way around. Torture makes sense for the show because we have tortured lots of people trying to figure out where all the oil wells are. If anyone in Iraq is becoming a terrorist or joining a death squad as a stand against Jack Bauer then they would probably join up at some point regardless of what plot twists occur on 24.

I will still watch 24 this Monday and then vent my anger at imaginary torture on Tuesday at the launch of my new midtown comedy show. Check here for details and please come out and support. Even if you need to torture someone to get there.

http://www.myspace.com/zeroreservations

Obviously my fraternity brothers were in town

So this weekend I did some things I don’t normally do. I went to see a movie about the hip 1960s art scene in NY called Factory Girl. I always hate seeing movies in which there are no characters I would ever want to hear or hear about. This movie seemed to have 50 such characters.

Saturday night was NYC Ballet at Lincoln Center. There are some things I thought about the ballet:

1) To be in the NYC ballet is a life long dream for a lot of these hardworking talented people. But that means when they are asked what they do for a living they say, “Oh, I’m a ballerina.” If someone ever said that to me I would ask them, “What are you 8 years old? Is your sister a fairy princess?” It just sounds like an unreal profession. Like a guy who goes around the country telling jokes for a living.

2) I find male ballerinas (ballerinos) to be the most feminine men of all time. I was asked, what about male figure skaters? Well, male figure skaters can have bursts of speed where they can expend their ounces of testosterone. Ballerinos have no such outlet. Even when they jump up they must twiddle their toes as they jump.

3) The Ballet should be sponsored by Clorox because there is no place whiter on Earth. Even Klan meetings usually have at least one black person present.

4) I remembered that I wrote a 22 page typed paper in 6th grade on the history and development of Lincoln Center. I got an A+ on the first draft and did not need to write a final draft. Maybe I will donate it to Lincoln Center.

Now I am busy trying to write an outline for an episode of Everybody Hates Chris for my screenwriting class. It’s hard when you are busy catching up on the fashion world and being snooty at the NYC Ballet.

San Fran Mayor Confesses to… heterosexual affair!

What happened to the days when elected officials, like ex-NJ Governor Jim McGreevy, made announcements of infidelity that were shocking?

Side note – McGreevy filed for divorce today. He cited “irreconcilable differences and my love of man meat” as reasons for the divorce.

Well, I read in the paper today that the mayor of San Francisco, Gavin Newsome, has confessed to having an affair with the wife of a campaign aide. To be fair, Newsome is young, handsome and powerful, but is that really an appropriate thank you for a successful election campaign:

1) Thanks for the election, now if I could only do something about this erection. Is your wife doing anything?

2) You ever see Braveheart? Well as the mayor I am exercising prima noctae.

3) I am so glad you worked so hard on my campaign. Without you working so hard your wife and I would have never been able to spend time together.

But the real story is how angry San Fransicoans are about the fact. Celebration marches were planned for Mayor to announce that he is a Gay American a la McGreevy, so you can imagine the disappointment when he declared that he slept with an aide’s wife or as they heard, “Sorry, I am just another straight male douchebag.” You mean – no truck stop encounters? What the hell is this – amateur hour?

Some don’t think that this can hurt his re-election because his approval numbers are so high. Let’s just hope he doesn’t wear white after Labor Day.

Which one is the most articulate black man?

3 stories that disturbed me in order.

1) Last night I learned that Carlos Boozer of the Utah Jazz will be missing 4-6 weeks with a knee injury. Horrible news for my favorite sports team. Boozer has been the biggest reason why the Jazz have been playing well this year. But the rest of the Jazz helped turn my frown upside down with an upset of the San Antonio Spurs last night. I only include this because as the lone Jazz fan outside of Utah I am obligated to give them some coverage from time to time.

2) Cover of the Daily news this morning – Puff Daddy as a proud new parent of twin girls. The picture was some cute family portrait with him, his girlfriend (aka the woman who has given birth to the largest percentage of his children) and their twin girls. P Diddy says that “having girls changes a man.” He’s right – let’s see how it has changed him:

a) He was at Scores West last week with 2 females and the three of them asked 2 naked med students to join them in a VIP room. Probably asking advice on how to parent girls to make sure they don’t end up in a strip club 20 years from now with a wannabe rapper with an over inflated sense of importance.

b) He has been running around with Sienna Miller, the former almost Ms. Jude Law over the last few weeks. Probably asking her for nanny advice for his new girls.

c) Puffy Combs sucks and his daughters should have to grow up to be rap video hoes as punishment.

3) Then we get to Joe Biden and his comment about Barack Obama.

11 years ago Chris Rock did a special on HBO called Bring the Pain (my favorite stand up special of all time) where he said white people would never vote for Colin Powell because they always gave him the same compliments on the fact that “he’s so well spoken!” Well, it looks like Joe Biden has made a mistake along those lines. There are three ways to look at his comments:

a) He meant how amazing (AND RARE) it is to have a good looking and articulate black man. And he’s running for office to boot. – The Chris Rock approach

b) He meant that he presents the most viable black candidate in history because of his looks, credentials and his oratorical ability.

c) That ni–er sure can talk good.

I believe #2 is what Biden meant. Let’s face it – the two most prominent national black political figures of the last 20 years (at least as presidential politics are concerned) were Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. Both men were nothing to write home about visually and both, although fiery orators with lots to say, represented the passion associated as much with Church sermons as political rallies. Obama presents a more classic orator as far as presidential politics is concerned and he is better looking than the other two.

Sidenote – please do not tell me that I am leaving out Alan Keyes from the discussion of prominent black men running for the presidency. He is crazy.

So I do not think that Biden is incorrect because I really feel that he was speaking of Obama from an electability standpoint and not from the perspective of the Chris Rock joke. However – he could have phrased it differently and should have because “well spoken” and “articulate” are truly loaded words in this day and age and should not be the first things you have to mention about a man with a Harvard Law degree.

Besides the interns

At a mentoring event at the high school near my office there was a speech by a man named Dr. Jawanza Kunjufu (I think it’s an Italian name). He gave a very insightful and inspirational talk for the many young men, mentors and parents at the school. He said one thing that has stuck with me, “What you do most, you do best.” Now he meant it for the young men who were playing more video games and TV watching than studying, but it resonated with me as well. So I said let me look at this week and determine what I do best.

Today (Monday) I will workout for one hour, sit at a desk trying to put people in jail for 8 hours and then take a screenwriting class for 3 hours.

Tuesday – Workout 90 minutes, crime/desk thing for 8 hours and then go to a 2 hour Police/Community Precinct council meeting as a representative from my office.

Wednesday – 90 minute workout, desk/crime thing and then watch Sarah Silverman at Caroline’s.

Thursday – 30 minute workout, crime/desk, then give a 2 hour Q and A to some kids at a project near where I live and to tell them what I do for a living (“Who knows what ‘surf the net’ and ‘cut and paste’ means?”)

Friday – 2 hour workout, desk/crime and then see a potentially atrocious film.

Now excluding the work I do now, what do I “do” most? Well I workout – but, because I do not want to spot people and be a motivational speaker for oversexed married women and fat men with too much money, personal training is not for me.

I will see a movie, something reader of this blog knows that I do a lot. However that is only 2 hours of my week and seeing movies is not really a career.

That leaves community service/public office. I will be going to two events for sure this week and perhaps a third on behalf of my office. I can’t blame them. Who doesn’t want to hear a funny 6’7″ guy speak, other than comedy clubs? So, based on my weeks of serving the community, it is today that I announce my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States of America.

Sure there are problems – constitutional (I am only 27 and 35 is the minimum age), qualifications (no candidate has ever been elected to office that I know of that lives with their parents, except for that 18 year old mayor of that town in Michigan) and scandals (see my comedy routine, including my “Schwarz-e-lazy ass negger” routine from the first 6 months of my comedy career). But I don’t see any real obstacles in my way for running for president. Here are my positives:

1) I am funny for a politician, just not good enough to get any work at NY Comedy Clubs.

2) I am half black, but unlike Barack Obama I can legitimately trick many red state racists into voting for me.

3) Based on my job I can come across as “tough on crime,” although I am usually much tougher on inanimate objects after my sports team loses.

4) My father is an immigrant, which would make many people not named Lou Dobbs like me.

5) My brother writes for a major American newspaper, as does my sister-in-law so they can pump lots of favorable publicity for me.

6) I am 6’7” and would most likely be the tallest candidate. And the taller candidate (John Kerry excluded) always wins. Sort of like that guy who brings a bomb on a plane to be safe because, what are the chances that there are two bombs on one plane?

7) I was 2006 Time’s Man of the Year. It’s true I looked and saw that I was on the cover.

So after examining how I spend my time and figuring what I would do best I now know:

Think about and write blogs about hypothetical situations that will be read by dozens.

My last movie blog for a while, or until I see another movie

Well the nominations are out and for the first time I have seen all Best Picture nominees by the day of the nominations. Here is my analysis and predictions:

BEST PICTURE

The Departed and Iwo Jima are the only two films from my Top 10 in the list and I believe The Departed is the Best film nominated. The Queen is a B/B+. Nicely done movie I could care less about. Little Miss Sunshine is this year’s Sideways. Granted it made me laugh and I did enjoy it, but so many films were screwed over by LMS and The Queen. Iwo Jima is a very fine film and can’t be counted out. However I believe it will be between Babel and the Departed. Babel is very good, but The Departed is near great.

Should Win – The Departed

Will Win – Babel

Should have been nominated in place of The Queen and Little Miss Sunshine -Dreamgirls and United 93

BEST DIRECTOR

Should Win – Paul Greengrass for United 93. The best movie I have seen since Million Dollar Baby. Very simple. They could not nominate United 93 for Best Picture because of the “too soon” argument (understandable, but see the movie anyway). This nomination is a compromise and should be a victory.

Will Win – Can Scorsese really be denied again? Yes, because Clint Eastwood is going to win for Letters From Iwo Jima. I firmly believe that Martin Scorsese is required to put Robert DeNiro into his next Oscar movie and only with DeNiro can he win the elusive Oscar. Meanwhile Clint Eastwood will become the Tom Brady to Scorsese’s Peyton Manning (eventually he will win, but he needs DeNiro/Adam Vinateri)

BEST ACTOR

Should win – I have not seen 3 of the 5 performances here, but I will by the Oscars, but I am sure that DiCaprio should win for Blood Diamond. Best performance of his excellent young career. Forest Whitaker is one of my least favorite actors alive, but was strong in The Last King of Scotland.

Will Win – Peter O’Toole if Scorsese does not win (only one sentimental choice per year). Forest Whitaker if Scorsese wins best Director. If Peter O’Toole does not win he will be 0 for 8 in Oscars. What a loser. Lawrence of Arabia most overrated film of all time.

BEST ACTRESS

Should Win – Dame Judi Dench for Notes on a Scandal

Will Win – Helen Mirren from the Queen. (Note on Best Actress – roles for actresses often are like female comics for me – I generally don’t care what they are saying, but occasionally they make me take notice either because of 1) startling talent or 2) by exposing their breasts – see Hilary Swank for the former and Halle Berry’s “Oscar Winning Role” for the latter). Judi Dench is the former and with none in the Halle Berry category – although if Kate Winslet pulls a Titanic in Little Children I may have to readjust Dench and Mirren’s chances – I see it between The Queen and Dame Dench.

SUPPORTING ACTOR

Should win – www.jlcauvin.com’s entertainer of the 2006 Mark Wahlberg (I really think they are rewarding his work in Invincible with his nomination for The Departed). But he did steal every scene in the Departed.

Will Win – Eddie Murphy – All I can say is Jimmy Got Soul – my second favorite performance in this category

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Should Win – I know Jennifer Hudson was awesome in Dreamgirls, but Cate Blanchett was excellent in Notes on A Scandal. Either way it should and will be one of these two.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Should Win – the very creative Pan’s Labyrinth.

Will Win – Letters from Iwo Jima for the unique angle of telling the story from the “enemy” side. And in Japanese. Either way the screenplay will not be in English

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Should Win – Notes on a Scandal

Will win – Notes on a Scandal

Bet Animated Feature

Should win – Cars

Will win – I have to put Cars, after renting Monster House and puking through Happy Feet because if Happy Feet wins I will break my TV and not be able to watch the rest of the Oscars

Enjoy the State of the Union tonight. This ends movie season on JLCauvin.com

What’s Next? Domestic Chores and Lawncare?

Tonight I begin a screenwriting course, which will inevitably help me write a TV show that will make me millions of dollars. That is what I thought until I saw what was happening in Hollywood.

Three movies, vying for Best Picture and other Oscars are not from traditional Hollywood powers like Steven Spielberg, Ron Howard and Ridley Scott. No they are from three Mexican filmmakers – Innaratu, Del Toro and Curaon and the films, respectively are Babel, Pan’s Labyrinth and Children of Men. And they are another example of what Lou Dobbs has called our “Broken Boarders.”

Steven Spielberg did not direct a film this year and it is no wonder. Why does Hollywood need Steven Spielberg, a director called by this very website, “the greatest director ever” when it has Guillermo Del Toro saying, “I wanted to make a movie for $20 million, but make it look like it cost $60 million.” Translation into English – I will do the film work of Steven Spielberg for 33 cents on the dollar.

Babel is the next film and has already been praised by the Hollywood Foreign Press as their best picture of the year. Sure it was well done, but the movie is full of propaganda on the part of the pro-illegal immigrant lobby. For example (spoiler – go to next paragraph if you want to see Babel) you are supposed to feel bad for the ILLEGAL nanny who has been in the country for 15 years taking care of Brad Pitt’s children when she is found in Mexico and not allowed back into the states. Where’s the sympathy for the legal immigrant au pair from England who was supposed to get that ILLEGAL’s job and now cannot take care of Brad Pitt’s children and ruin his marriage with a love affair behind his wife’s back? There’s no outcry on behalf of adulterous legal western Europeans by that lobby.

And then we get to Children of Men, a film about how women are infertile and cannot have babies anymore. Lots of white people and black people in this movie. The not-so-subtle message? No Mexicans, no babies.

I urge the Academy when they are voting on their choices for best Picture to remember the quality films by our homegrown filmmakers and to not buy into the propaganda pro-illegal agenda of these Mexican filmmakers.

I must say I am a little selfish here. I am beginning a screenwriting class tonight and I want to know that when I write my show/movie that my inferior work will be protected by a big wall and laws that will stop talented and hard working people from taking my unearned opportunity and at a fraction of the cost that I would charge for it. So please Academy – nominate Borat for best Picture before any of the Mexican Triple Threat so that people can see what good Americans are capable of.

Alhpa Dog Should Be Neutered and Cold Mountain Should Be Melted

Briefly I would like to adjust my top 10 movies for 2006, having seen some new films and considering the films I had seen:

10.Notes on A Scandal

9. Letters from Iwo Jima

8. An Inconvenient Truth

7. Pan’s Labyrinth

6. Blood Diamond

5. Children of Men

4. Invincible

3. Dreamgirls

2. The Departed

1. United 93

I felt I needed to do this to reaffirm that there are good films out there because last night I saw a film that makes Miami Vice look like the Godfather. The film was Alpha Dog and it really brought awful to new heights for me.

Justin Timberlake is one of the stars in this film and says the word bitch approximately 455 times. The “star” of the movie, Emile Hirsch, plays a rich suburban gangster drug dealer and is so bad I wanted the actor to go to jail, not just his character. But the worst performance of the film and perhaps the worst performance in movie history is given by Ben Foster. He plays a drug dealer whose debts lead to the kidnapping and murder of his baby brother. This performance is so bad it is literally laughable. Every time he spoke the theater erupted in laughter.

Justin Timberlake or as my friend Phil calls him, “Bustin Tendercakes,” has been getting praise for his acting, but it is only because the rest of the acting is so atrocious. I was so disgusted at how bad this film was that I bought a puppy, named it Alpha and then kicked it off a bridge Jack Black-style in Anchorman. So for my first review of 2007 I give Alpha Dog an F-.

To make matters worse though I have just finished, after about 7 weeks of reading, the “acclaimed novel” Cold Mountain. I did not see the movie and many people have told me that the book is great. So I read it. Here is a paragraph to summarize what reading this book is like:

“The dew of the early mountain morning glistened in the new born Sun like the sweat off of the brow of a field hand who has just learned that the work in the field is not yet done and whose fingers are numb with pain from the tedious and arduous work that has marked his years of existence on the soil. The earth smelled of the fertility as if it were an expecting mother unsure of what the future holds, but sure of the potential for growth and power within. Then someone gets killed.”

We get it Charles Frazier – you like metaphors and you want your book to be called literature and not just a novel. I read about 35 books a year of varying topics and length. Cold Mountain has eaten up almost 1/6 of a year (12/06-1/07). So if you can’t trust Justin Timberlake or Cold Mountain, who can you trust when looking for some good entertainment? Not a good start 2007.

Make that 20,999 troops you need Mr. President

So yesterday I received some sad news. I e-mailed someone who works at the LA Improv who had recommended me for a Live at Gotham audition. I had heard of some other comics getting auditions, and like Derek Zoolander I was all ready to accept my 4th male model of the year award. However, the e-mail I received was not good news (although this person at the LA Improv has been nothing but nice and helpful). I did not get a spot. Damn that Hansel, he’s so hot right now.

I promptly tried to put my fist through my desk (which is the same reaction I had when I failed the bar exam by 3 points). But like the bar exam I was over it in about two hours and ready to move on.

And when one door closes, another door opens.

It turns out our President, George W. Bush, wants to send 21,000 more troops into Baghdad. Just when I thought I was unwanted by the comedy world here is our President telling me that I am needed. And not for some outpost skirmish. No he wants me center stage in Baghdad. And this is a double win because I have experienced that whenever I go through a significant life change or decision I am able to come up with lots of good comedic material. And I have to think that serving in the new surge on Baghdad would give me plenty of material. Here’s a sample that I anticipate:

– I’m so big and tall the enemy did not even have to aim well to injure me! Sure I lost my legs, but I am still 5’9”!

– Sure I made the prisoner get naked and stand on a box. But I bought him dinner first because I am a gentleman.

– What’s the deal with Allah?

– I was so thirsty and hot in Baghdad I was hallucinating that I was in the middle of the biggest mistake the United States had ever made.

So Gotham, although I am disappointed in not making your show I have heard a higher calling. I need to serve my country and I am certain that although I got laughs at Gotham I’m going to kill in Iraq.

Another reason why needles in your ass are a bad thing

Well, Mark McGwire became the first casualty (if you exclude Rafael Palmero’s Viagra needing member and the English language after Jose Canseco’s literary foray “Juiced”) of the steroid era. He was the greatest slugger of his time and has what should be sure-fire Hall of Fame numbers. However, just because his arms were the size of refrigerators, his skin was more acned than a 15 year old computer geek and because Jose Canseco claims he injected him with needles in bathroom stalls, Mark McGwire is being denied the Hall of Fame. Why the double standard?

Do the porn awards penalize performers who use Viagra? Of course not. After all, why penalize someone who has already been sexually assaulted by an immediate family member.

Does the NFL Hall of Fame penalize people for being violent? No – in fact you can murder people and still stay in the Hall of Fame. In fact when Ray Lewis is inducted, they will have to open a Homicide Wing in Canton.

Do the Oscars refuse to nominate actors who play handicapped people even though it is easy and an unfair advantage? Nope – although George W. was not nominated for Fahrenheit 9/11, which may have signaled a change in Academy policy.

My point is that sports are a reflection of society and in Mark McGwire we have a role model for all Americans. Let me offer you an analogy.

When I see a homeless man or woman begging for change on a cold NYC street I usually try to give them some change. Some might say it’s a scam. A scam for what? If they are willing to sit in the cold in smelly, tattered clothes to trick me – consider me tricked. Likewise, if they are going to use it for drugs instead of food, well go ahead. I am not sure how much can be done for the guy who has no teeth, smells like piss and claims to have AIDS. But he can still get high and if I can help him with that consider it my Million Dollar Baby moment.

Similarly, if Mark McGwire was willing to hang out in bathroom stalls with Jose Canseco, allow his skin to approach that of Manuel Noreaga’s, make out with Sammy Sosa on national TV and then act like a bit-h in front of Congress, doesn’t he deserve the Hall of Fame?

In short if you are willing to cheat and degrade yourself in pursuit of money aren’t you really embodying what is so great about America? As Nino Brown said in New Jack City, “This is big business. This is the American Way.” (Wesley Snipes, who played Nino Brown took those words to heart as he I believe has a tax evasion indictment pending). So I say – let Mark McGwire in the Hall of Fame. I will allow Big Mac’s words to end this inspired by A Few Good Men:

“I use words like andro, anabolic, juiced. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent injecting crap in my ass. You use them as a punch line. I would rather you just say thanks for the home runs and be on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick a dumbbell and take some batting practice. Either way I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!”

Well said.