Blog

And AJ’s Mom is not too pleased

Several months ago many comics were asked to sumbit jokes for a book called “The Idiot’s Guide to Jokes.” I decided to just submit two and after purchasing the book at a book signing I saw that both jokes made the cut. 2/2 = 100%, best percentage in book, with minimum of 2 submissions.

One joke pertains to Rocky. The other pertains to the abbreviation AJ.

It was a thrill, but I realized I might be in trouble with AJ’s Mom when a fellow comic saw the joke, looked at me and said simply, “Now it’s forever.”

(too understand this you must listen to Track 17 of my CD)

What Aj’s Mom does not understand is this: If I become famous, AJ is a possible financial benficiary of this success and can buy all the therapy he needs to feel ok. If I do not become famous, the joke will never gain enough success to garner AJ’s attention. It’s a win-win.

Fellow comic Josh Filipowski will be snding me pictures soon of my own book signing I held. Check for them soon.

Have a nice weekend.

On my way home from work (yes, despite my strong 55th place showing at the Boston Comedy Festival I still have my day job) I saw something interesting. Passing through a neighborhood known as Kingsbridge Heights I was walking to the bus that would take me home. I saw the usual thing: young men hanging on street corners, woman ranging from the pornographic to the diabetic, and then I saw her: A woman in her late 30s in a wheel chair.

As I waited for the bus I noticed that the woman was not bad looking. Not great looking, but nice enough that most people will have a more sympathetic reaction, as if to say: “Awwww, she was nice looking – it’s a shame what happened to her,” while implying, “If she had been ugly she may not have found a mate anyway, so the wheel chair is more of an inconvenience than an actual life-changing event.”

But more striking than her looks, which were not very striking was the fact that she was a drug dealer.

As I stood in my suit and government issued haircut I noticed a woman approach her and hand her a ten dollar bill, to which drugs on wheels said: “Why you doing this sh-t out in the open?” and handed her a small baggie for the money.

So from now on I think it’s important for people to know that just because someone is handicapped does not mean that they too can’t be a piece of sh-t. She is helping her community mirror her legs, atrophied and decaying. Doesn’t she know that is the government’s job to maintain a permanent underclass? That’s why we pay our taxes, so please leave it to the elected professionals. But then before I got too serious I thought to myself, what kind of jokes can I make at this drug dealer’s expense?

1) What does the sign on her bathroom look like – is it one of those wheelchairs, but instead of a stick figure it is Scarface sitting slouched in the chair?

2) Has she lost her amateur status or can she compete in the Special Olympics’ “Deal and flee from the police” event?

3) I wonder if she can still have kids. There are a lot of people who shouldn’t be having kids having kids. I guess the next step is that those who can’t have kid have kids. It would be like a miracle if she did have a kid though. My guess is that his name would be Jesus.

Just thought I would share that story with you. Have a nice primary day.

The Dream is Over, as is the Greyhound Nightmare

So, I went on stage approximately 9 hours ago. I am very happy with the set I had. Good laughs, felt good. But I did not advance.

One guy who advanced was very funny. Two guys who advanced did not strike me as that funny. Including one guy who blatantly ripped off a bit by Dana Carvey about guitar players. Absolutely shameful.

So for the second straight year I am beaten in part by good comedy and in part by questionable comedy. I think this will be retitrement, not from comedy festivals, but from comedy compeition. Too much of a crap shoot. But a few people cam e out of their way to tell me that they thought I was really funny. Always gratifying.

So I actually left happy because I felt that I had a good set, or maybe because losing was the better part of my night since I had to catch a 12:30 am greyhound so I could get to work on time today.

My right knee will probably require surgery because of the pain it endured for 4+ hours.

The highlight was a truck stop in Connecticut we stopped in. When you see 38 year old men with coke bottle glasses and beer guts playing video games at 2:15 a.m. on a Sunday, you realize that losing a comedy compeition is not a very big deal.

Good luck to Logan Jacobson, who advanced form Prelim 1 (a NYC open mic guy) and to Danny Rouhier, who gets to be funny tonight on 9-11.

September 9th

So yesterday was travel day. I decided to go up a day early so as to avoid any travel problems that might arrive if I left Sunday, just to be safe.

So I get on my 2:00 pm Amtrak and it is empty. Awesome. That means I will not have to share a seat with anyone, which usually forces me to bring my legs together which leads to my knees hitting the seat in front of me, which on a crowded train usually means some jackass in front of me HAS to recline the whole way.

Just before the train pulls out, a young Asian man sits in the seat across from me. I mention the fact that he is Asian because he reminded me of Lloyd on Entourage. But more gay. It may have been the fact that he weighed 98 lbs, has well gelled hair and had a soft appearance. Or the fact that he pronounced Stanford with eight “S”‘s.

So Lloyd squared is sitting right next to me as I am trying to write and then he gets on his phone and proceeds to have a loud hour long conversation. Horribly annoying, but not ass annoying as what would come next.

When we hit Old Saybrook, Connecticut we are informed that a barge hit a bridge up ahead and engineers need to come and inspect the structural integrity of the bridge before we can cross it. Good thing I left a day early. DAMN you Al Qaeda – attacking such prime targets like the Old Saybrook bridge.

So we were able to get off the train and walk around and I will tell you, Old Saybrook has a grat train platform.

90 minutes later we get moving and I see that Lloyd has made a special friend on the train. A 40-something man with ball bearing looking earrings in his ears, who apparently missed his flight to Thailand. The next 90 minutes of the trip was them discussing “tops” and “bottoms” and “penis.” Fascinating stuff really. I was waiting for them to go in the bathroom and join the 120 mph club. But then I realized something – gay dudes on trains have it made over straight dudes.

Every guy at some point, hopes a hot chick will be in their car and will strike up a conversation with them, in the off chance that that day is the day that their life becomes a porno.

“Hey, so you like trains?”

“Yes, do you want to make out?”

“YES!”

Pretty simple fantasy, but one thing gets in the way. Girls, with their, “I don’t know you,” or “Let go of me, this is my stop.” But not the case with gay dudes. They are two dudes, so they know what’s up. Only problem with that scenario for me, no girl.

So we arrived at Bosotn 90 minutes late. I checked in at the Doubletree and ate a delicious wam cookie and then walked to the local theater to catch a picture show to kill some time.

I went to see Little miss Sunshine. Greg Kinnear for me is one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood. It is a very good movie (it may be slightly better than Cars, which would give Greg Kinnear the top two spots on my summer movie list (Invincible and LMS). Really hilarious ending that is also sweet at the same time.

So tonight is the night. 1st round. 5 minutes. Tune in tomorrow to see how my set went, whether I advanced and how my midnight Greyhound back to the city fares.

September 8th

Chinatown is fascinating to me. Everytime I walk through Chinatown I feel one of three things:

1) I am off to buy a Gremlin

2) I am about to engage in some drug deal or watch some underground fight, like the Kumite in Bloodsport.

3) Funny

I arrived at the Teabag Variety Show in Chinatown at 8 pm. There was a good crowd and I got up and delivered the goods. The crowd , however, just reacted like I was delivering the alrights. I think the crowd looks at me like I am Godzilla (yes I know that was in Japan, but you know what I’m saying).

I thought I was done with shows until Boston, but I was off to meet Pete Dominick (www.petesbigmouth.com) a great comic and a greater person. After my show at Gotham on 8-22-06, Pete has been doing a lot to help get my name out at the clubs. To put in terms 80s film fans can understand, let’s say I am Teen Wolf. Gary Gulman is the blond acting chick that Teen Wolf falls for for understandable reasons, great talent, great hair. But Pete Dominick is like my comedy Boof (Bouf?). Enough said, except for the fact that this will make no sense if you have not seen Teen Wolf and I am not gay.

So I go to Stand Up NY to meet Pete to discuss some poeple he thinks I should send my tape to. But as it turns out because of Pete’s good word of mouth and a cancellation I got to go up on the prime time Friday night pro show at Stand Up NY show for 10 minutes. Awesome. I did a pretty good job, but I will admit that I was a little nervous. But 10 people came up to me and told me good job. The other 40 ignored all eye contact.

So thanks to Pete Dominick (check out his website and buy his CD) and Stand Up NY. Time to go for my morning run and then catch amtrak to Beantown.

LET’S GO YANKEES!

September 7th

So yesterday began the same way. Running (Monster Ballads were the tunes de jour on the Ipod). Ate breakfast and went to work. Uneventful day at work. Then I had the Gothem Open Mic.

I don’t always have great sets at Gotham’s open mic because sometimes I am working on new stuff or experimenting, but I had a kick ass set (for an open mic) last night. 3 weeks earlier I had a great open mic set and then had a great show 5 days later at Gotham. I am hoping the same holds true for September 10th at Comedy Connection.

The routine last night consisted of yesterday’s Haiti-terror joke, and zingers about my lady’s kid. Job well done.

Then I went to a going away party for a co-worker who is leaving the office. Those things are always weird for me when it is not the person’s last day of work. Like when you say good bye to someone and then find that you are walking in the same direction for 6 more blocks with that person. I had a few light beers, a burger (but with salad, not fries)and said to my co-worker, “See you tomorrow.”

I then went home and watched 2 more episodes of Lost Season 1, post Steelers win (Go STEELERS). On second viewing I am changing my review of Lost from a B+ to an A-. That said it is quite solid, but still behind 24 (but barely since I have felt the last 2 seasons of 24 are A- as well), The Sopranos (once an A+, but now an A-), Deadwood (A) and The Wire (A+). That said though I am now looking forward to watching Lost Season 2 (although I hear it is not as good).

Tonight is a cool show in Chinatown – see my calendar for info. And then I will make my way to Boston.

Day 1 – September 6th

So yesterday I woke up at 5:30 am in a Rocky style eagerness to go running and workout. After 45 minutes of rolling around and gathering my strength I put on the shorts and t-shirt, strapped the Ipod on my arm (with a mix of Johnny Cash, The Fray, Green Day and Toto) and began running. After about 4 miles I arrived at my gym and did a back/tris workout (Wednesdays are back and tris – it’s boring, but it’s part of my life).

So now that I had done my training montage I was in a mood to do some comedy. But I had to go to work for 8 hours first. But with Boston on the horizon I was too focused to allow my office to crush my soul and imagination.

I then went on a walking tour of an area of the Bronx that is allegedly up and coming (gentrification) because I would like to buy a place on the cheap and then see its value triple over a short amount of time while communities and cultures are crushed and shipped out. Like a modern day Christopher Columbus or Harlem 2.

The first thing I saw when I got off the subway was an extremely buff dude, who I am not sure if he has the resources for a gym membership (rather disheveled and doing a hand-to hand drug exchange in front of me. There is only one place where guys can get buff without paying a gym membership and it starts with a P and ends with a Rape. After seeing that there were a lot of bed stores, baby stores and hair care salons (get hair done + bed store = need for baby store; supply and demand at its best) in the neighborhood I realized that I will probably be with Mom and Dad for another year. Then I got on the 5 train and went down to Otto’s for a kick ass show.

With Boston on my mind I did an 8 minute set that had the precision of a 1st grader’s self-portrait in art class. It was a mess. I was all over the place, still trying to nail down some newer jokes, especially about my Dad. On of my favorite new jokes is about the two Haitians that were arrested as part of an alleged terror cell in Florida, plotting to blow up the Sears Tower:

“I don’t know if you guys know this but Haitians are rather poor. I mean do they really have access to terror weapons. I mean what would they do to the Sears Tower give it (highly insensitive immune system disease reference) and poverty? Wow, before 8/11 the Sears Tower was majestic. Now it is depressing, the plumbing doesn’t work and the literacy rate among employees has plummeted. If you want to keep Haitians out of the Sears Tower, the solution is simple – just put a few Coast Guards outside – they can keep Haitians out all the time. Unless of course the Haitians learn Spanish and are mistaken for Cubans, at which point the Coast Guard will let them in.”

A touchy joke – I know and probably not Boston ready, but a joke that I like nonetheless.

So my dilemma is that by tonight’s open mics I need to know my 5 minutes for Sunday. If anyone has any suggestions or favorites I will gladly take them. More updates tomorrow.

27 lbs lost and counting

It is late on Labor Day and I offically begin my 3rd year as a lawyer tomorrow. And right now the day job is winning. Winning what you may ask? The war for my physical fitness. But the tide has turned in my favor.

My first year at work, people marvelled at my ability to pack away Boston Creme Donuts and “not show it.” I was still getting to the gym and keeping my weight between 245 and 255.

Year two was the equivalent of the NBA strike of several years ago and my frame was Shawn Kemp. I ballooned. By March of 2006 I was 284 lbs (it is true – being single is better for fitness). But the Good Lord blessed me at 6’7″ so I did not look like a heart attack case, but just burly. But I was pushing my wardrobe to the limit. Sweatpants and my “big” suits were all I was wearing. It was pathetic.

I then made a decision in April to start running and lifting and eating healthier. And low and behold it has worked. Today I tipped the scales at 257 lbs. My goal by New Year’s is 240 lbs. No pills, no supplements, no special workout. And yes, no John Basedow.

A few other things you should now for the coming weeks:

1) I will be giving a day-to-day update for the next two weeks as I prep and compete in the Boston Comedy Festival.

2) The Wire is my favorite show and anyone who thinks that 24, The Shield, The Sopranos or anything else is better is objectively wrong.

3) I didn’t have much to write about so I figured my 4 pack abs were in need of some newly earned credit.

Basketball has always treated me the way Ike Turner treated Tina. We occasionally made beautiful music together, but most of the time I often felt hurt and violated. I had a high school coach who, out of spite, thought I would work better as an offensive decoy after my first game senior year of 36 points (our 15-13 that year shows that that philosophy sucked). I then had two college coaches who chose to use me as an anchor to the end of the team bench (not a terrible idea because I was a big dude, but some more time out of the warm ups would have been nice).

But September 1st, 2006 will be the day where basketball became a full on disgrace.

First, Team USA lost to Greece early this morning in the World Basketball Championships. Perhaps it was the Greek body hair that threw them off, or the 15 syllable names, or the sodomy, but Team USA should not have lost to Greece. It seems that the US invents every cool team sport and then the world catches up and beats us at it. Fortunately we will always be the best at X Games because no one gives a sh-t about the X games. Perhaps if the World were as interested as the NBA at anointing Dwayne Wade the next Jesus Christ (the free throws in the NBA Finals this summer still piss me off) maybe we could win the worlds. People need to stop saying that white people can’t play basketball at the NBA level. They have to be more specific and say that White Americans cannot play at the highest level. White Canadians and Europeans are doing just fine.

But September 1, 2006 will really mark the end of basketball because a movie is coming out today. The movie is not Hoosiers quality, hell it isn’t even One on One with Robbie Benson quality. It is Crossover, starring Wayne Brady as a gangster-type street ball coach/promoter. When I say the trailer for this movie I saw 3 of the 4 Horseman arrive. Now that the movie is out, the 4th has arrived. Wayne Brady – liked your ironic cameo on Chappelle’s Show, but you are awful. As my Mom said, “He’s too f–king happy!” What is he going to do if his team loses the street ball tournament – sing a song? But I could be wrong, Crossover did receive one and a half stars from the NY Daily News, which is one and a half more than I expected.

So let September 1, 2006 be known as the death of basketball. This is the equivalent of basketball, which had such a good, robust life, now shitting in its diaper as it gets older. And frankly, it makes me sick.

Maybe for the 2008 Olympics they should just have Wayne Brady coach the Olympic team.

Last night I preformed a 12 minute set at Limerick House, a medium size bar in Chelsea. The show is called La Boca – feel free to translate for me. Headlining the show was none other than a blog favorite, Gary Gulman (wearing a baseball cap – which was strange if you have listened to track 1 on his CD).

One question some of my friends had was, “what is he doing this show for?” Sure 18 audience members is a far cry form headlining Gotham or playing the Comedy Cellar, but I think Gulman had a different plan. I think it was like in Mighty Ducks 2, where the Ducks had to play some street hockey to get their intensity and love of the game back.

But this blog is about me and the set I had last night. It was not as good as the set I had at Gotham last week. It was pretty good though, but I could feel nervousness because Gulman was there watching.

Some people might ask why were you nervous; it was just sort of like an open mic? The atmosphere may have been open mic-ish, but imagine you are a Latino rapper working out some tight new rhymes and in walks Gerardo. Faster than you can say Rico Suave your mouth might dry up. I feel like that is what happened to me last night.

And some girl kept saying “Wow” in an exasperated way during my set, except when I made an AIDS joke, to which she laughed heartily. Fortunately, Gulman dispatched of her with a rare moment of feigned arrogance on the part of Gulman. Here is the basic transcript.

WOW girl: incoherent chatting

Gulman: That girl is trying to act like she doesn’t want to f–k me, so I will want to f–k her, but she forgets… I’m f–king Gary Gulman. I’m in like 28th grade and she’s using her sophomore NYU tricks.

Brilliant.

Gulman had told me after the set that he also had a bit involving an Ipod and Gatorade (his terror joke is probably better than mine, but I think I look the part much better) so I should not think that he is ripping off my bit. I told him I would brag about it if he did so it didn’t matter to me. He then said that we are thinking on the same wave length.

And he’s right because all I kept thinking was: I’m f–king J-L Cauvin.