So I had off Monday and Tuesday and I decided the best ways to relax would be to take my former girlfriend’s kid out for pizza and then sleep on the floor of my living room. Let me explain.

AJ and I have a long standing relationship dating back to January 2005(listen to the CD if you don’t know). He feeds me material and I give him food occasionally, usually in the form of movie snacks and make him laugh at my bafoonery. To keep my comedy career alive and to keep AJ well fed I picked him up from his after school program on Tuesday. Unfortunately in what was either oversight or the best prank ever, AJ’s Mom “forgot” to tell them that I would be picking him up. Let awkwardness ensue.

Now AJ was a good sport and high fived (I think I will try to teach him the Boart “HIGH FIIIVE!”) me when I got to the after school center, thus giving me some credibility as the person there to pick him up. However they had never heard of me, at which point I think they ran and checked their sex offender registry photo book. I thought his Mom had called Dateline and was trying to set me up as some creepy pedophile. “Sure AJ remembers me… I am J-L, the guy with the movie snacks. The popcorn is right outside in my windowless white van AJ.”

Well after the body cavity search and the background check I was allowed to leave with AJ. And I won’t have to go door-to-door in my community, introducing myself. We had pizza and exchanged stories about work. I told him that I had to meet with the police in the community and he told me about the alphabet. I then envied him wishing I could back to a time where the alphabet and numbers were newer events. I then dropped him off at his home and made my way to a police council meeting nearby.

Then I got home.

My brother and his wife (remember the successful couple with the cute baby on the home page) were coming into town late that night for a funeral the next day. That’s not the funny part. I, as the financial and emotional drain on my parents, still live at home. My room can accommodate a couple, especially a successful one. However, they cannot then accommodate me as well. So I had to drag my twin mattress out onto the living room floor with blanket and pillow in hand to sleep on the floor. I had only gotten a few hours of sleep the night before so I was dead tired. I fell quickly asleep at 11:30 pm and slept soundly until… 5:31 AM. Maybe it is my military haircut, or my depression or the fact that I was sleeping on the floor, but that is no time to wake up. But that is the time of night/day when my mother grabs the New York Times. Fortunately she gave me just the 11 hour head start I needed before going into work for the 4 pm-2am shift. So after an early morning trip to the gym (38 lbs lost since March 2006 – leaving me at 246 lbs – 2-6 pounds off of my college playing weight. Pretty good considering I am neither in college, nor playing on any sport team). Needing a pick-me-up, I came back and turned on HBO2 and saw Walk The Line.

In a 24 hour period that featured memories, painful back aches and the dread of working 10 hours tonight (where do you think I am now), Joaquin Phoenix made me feel much happier, even if it was the 44th time I have seen that movie on a derivative of HBO.

My favorite things about Walk The Line:

1) The tunes – I actually feel that Joaquin Phoenix sings half of them better than Johnny Cash. Ring of Fire being the most salient example.

2) The Love Story – Johnny Cash proves that, drug use, holding your guitar in an inexplicably awkward fashion and rampant cheating will land you the love of your life. So will someone pass me a joint, a six string and a hammer so I can shatter my moral compass and let’s find some love!

3) It proves that sometimes it can be cooler pretending to be a person (Joaquin Phoenix) than actually being that person (Johnny Cash). That is why in my biopic I will play myself. That way I can receive accolades for my dead-on portrayal of myself. “He captured the sarcasm, the bad choices and the height so well.” 4 stars.

Tonight I get to sleep in my twin bed. If you need to reach me tonight I will be questioning my purpose in life. But don’t e-mail or call me between 2:30 am and 5:31 am – I’ll be sleeping.