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Miscellaneous Musings

“As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. It’s being drawn to Iraq and it’s not being drawn to the U.S.”

— Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), quoted by Salon, likening the Iraq War to Lord of the Rings.

A friend of mine (and my future Karl Rove if I ever run for office) e-mailed me this quote. Now I love the Lord of The Rings. It is listed in my MySpace favorite movies – the authoritative site for all things superficial about me.

I do not feel like writing a long drawn out analogy to show what a closet geek I am, but I feel this should be grounds for not re-electing Rick Santorum. That and his values which are mainstream. If by mainstream you mean values cherished during the Spanish Inquisition. Other things I have reflected on during the last week:

1) I am glad the Mets did not reach the World Series. I have rooted for the Mets twice, in 1999 (Robin Ventura was nasty) and in 2001 (Piazza’s post 9/11 home run was the second best thing to happen after 9/11, besides the reelection of George W. Bush). That was enough.

2) Borat may be the best movie of the year. The more commercials I see the more I am convinced that Borat may be the greatest comedy of all time. High expectations.

3) I feel bad for people taller than me that do not play professional sports. I saw a guy get on the subway who was about 7’1″. He made me look normal, which I am not. I felt bad because as much as I get asked about my height, this guy was just getting stared at weirdly. People seemed afraid to talk to him. Like he had passed from tall human to exotic and slightly dangerous animal. Poor tall guy.

The Prestige tonight Flags of Our Fathers Saturday Preparing for a trial Saturday and Sunday. Sunday night – no episode of The Wire so I will contemplate the meaning of my life and whether it should continue for another week.

There were auditions this weekend for a new “reality” show called America’s Hottest Mom. This promises to be the next step in a line of moves degrading women.

Now I utter the occasional chauvinistic word when making a joke or a valid point, but I come from a home headed by a very strong woman and can appreciate the whole 76 cents for every dollar type arguments. But women, the problem at this point is just as much within as it is from men.

Take Flavor of Love, which provides ammo for both sexists and racists. We have 20-25 women, the majority minorities, vying for the affections of Flavor Flav, a man who resembles a large roach with developmental disabilities. This is different than The Bachelor or even Joe Millionaire because those shows picked men with either solid credentials on paper or decent looking. Flav is neither. And these women are fighting and kicking their way to him. Why? Fame and money. Where are the protests and the marches and the burning of bras?

Now for the newest show – America’s Hottest Mom. One Mom who auditioned in NY was a 35 yr old cop with 7 kids, which she started popping out at 17. I wonder if fighting crime is hard when you have to take breaks every 3 hours to give birth. My problem is with the term Mom. and MILF. This show is pretty much going to be a MILF contest (“Mother I’d Like to F–K”).

The problem is there is no set criteria for a MILF. Here is one I would like to start with – age 40. If you have kids at 16, you cannot consider yourself a MILF at 22, just because you have a 6 year old. At that age you should still be an ILF and not a M.

Furthermore, if you are married to someone famous or who makes 7 figures you should be automatically disqualified because you are contractually obligated to maintain your hotness and thus lose your amateur hot status.

Lastly if you are a good Mom and a self respecting person having Lorenzo Lamas or Simon Cowell or some other person of that ilk stare at you with a laser pointer you are in the wrong place. You are going to embarrass your kids. Like Pam Anderson’s kids, no matter how much love and affection you show them, the kids at school will never let them forget what you did on tape.

So that said, I can’t wait to see who the hottest Mom is. And after the show is done, perhaps we can repeal women’s suffrage.

My Top 2006 movies (so far)

So this weekend I saw the DEpaaaaahhhhhted, the new Scorsese movie with a bunch of A-list actors. Very good movie. It took me a while to stop being annoyed with everyone’s Boston accent. Not because they weren’t good, but because most of them were good. I cannot stand that accent.

Things I appreciated in the movie:

1) Good guys and bad guys use the N-word. Apparently Robert Parrish and Jim Rice could not change everything in Boston

2) Marky Mark’s character, when he is grilling Leonardo DiCaprio’s character, accuses him of having both a “southie accent” and a prep school accent. I went to college with approximately 100 people who could be accused of this very thing – no offense friends.

3) I like The Aviator, but it is good to see Martin Scorsese get back to gangster type films. However, he will never win an Oscar until he goes and does one last great movie with DeNiro. It would be like Malone winning a championship without Stockton or Owen Wilson doing a funny movie without Ben Stiller or Vince Vaughn. So Marty – if you want an Oscar – do a gangster film with Bobby.

During the movie the film reel burned up (20 minutes left in the movie). There was a 25 minute delay fixing it, but we all got free tickets, which I will use to see Man of the Year.

Here is my updated list of top movies of 2006:

1) United 93. I did not see this in the theater because I prefer my tragic, too-soon disaster films to have stars, which is why I saw World Trade Center in the theater. But I rented it from Netflix and this movie is tremendous. I don’t think it will get nominated, but this movie was nearly perfect.

2) The Depaaaaahhhhhhted. I enjoyed this movie a lot. Despite the accents

3) Invincible. I assume you 5 reading this have seen my praise for this movie already. This also makes Marky Mark the front runner for entertainer of the year on my blog. He is also strong in The Depaaaahhhhhhted.

4) Cars. Pixar is great.

5) ????? I cannot think of any other movies that I have seen this year worthy of consideration.

On the horizon:

1) Flags of Our Fathers. Great Book being put to the screen by director Clint Eastwood, producer Steven Spielberg and write Paul Haggis (Crash, Million Dollar Baby). Can’t miss. Ryan Phillipe as the lead character. Ryan Phillipe’s next role should be in the Justin Timberlake story.

2) The Prestige. Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman with Scarlet Johanson. Directed by Memento/Batman Begins guy. Movie about rival magicians. This will be the first time in history that magic is cool.

3) Babel. This is from the director of 21 Grams (really good movie) and Amores Perros – a foreign movie a friend of mine told me to watch, which was also pretty good. This movie could also be the break out role for that guy Brad Pitt.

4) Man of the Year – Robin Williams as comedian running for president. And he doesn’t even have a law degree from Georgetown.

I am sure there is other stuff coming out, but I feel like October movies are going to bring the Oscar stuff. Oh yeah – I am also going to see the new Forrest Whitaker movie about Idi Amin. I hate Forrest Whitaker and his droopy eye, but the reviews have been really good for his movie so we’ll see.

I will be taking some extra days off of these updates because of the Yankees performance against the Tigers.

Horrible.

THE BEST

Derek Jeter. Proving once again that Derek, Mariah and I are part of a Master race set to take over entertainment, Derek Jeter goes 5 for 5 in the first playoff game of 2006 for the NY Yankees. Unlike Derek Jeter my jokes last night went about 17 for 24, not a bad percentage for free throws, but it would have been nicer to get some more laughs. An old classic of mine (“Rocky”) got a big response.

THE WORST

In Georgia on Saturday, a man stabbed another man in the back, puncturing his lung, with a 10 inch blade. The reason? He was losing at NCAA Football on Play Station. Being that I work in law enforcement I have put my legal mind to work to find the reasons for this:

1) The victim did not stand for the National Anthem when the video game played it.

2) Stabber’s sister and wife wanted to play, but when Stabber realized that his wife and sister were the same person he became enraged.

3) Victim refused to drive Stabber to Waffle House after the game.

4) Stabber is a method actor practicing for his role as Brutus in Julius Caesar.

But after I went through these theories I realized – hey, he was losing in NCAAA Football on Play Station. Isn’t that reason enough? I am just looking forward to the release of Scarface the video game, where if you lose, Al Pacino has to kill himself. WHOO AAAHH

and other random thoughts

So tonight it is a special 2 hour Inside the Actor’s Studio with Al Pacino. Wow, they finally got Al Pacino. I cannot think of all the bad actors they have had on that show, but I was convinced that Al Pacino had to have been on it already. That was just because I thought there was no way that Martin Lawrence could beat Pacino to the show. Godfather vs. Big Momma – pretty comparable talents.

Speaking of talent I had lunch with Spike Lee on Saturday. Actually I was out with my mentee for his birthday and sitting next to us at the Blue Water Grill – Spike Lee. A few things:

1) Spike Lee looked up at me and seemed to be wondering, “I though I knew all the Knicks.”

2) His son was wearing a Troy Palamalo jersey (Steelers player). Good choice young man.

3) I had to fight everything in my being not give him a business card and say – need someone to play a racist Italian in your next movie? Or a dude who is half black, but looks Egyptian? But I have listened to Eminem’s “The way I am,” and celebrities don’t always want people to bother them when their out eating with their kid.

Not too much else going on with me – big show tomorrow night. That’s about it.

And The Wire is the best show on TV.

PART I

I am excited in a wholesome way that the Little Mermaid (deluxe 2 disc edition) will be arriving next week in my mailbox. I have been criticized, as recently as last night by comedian Pete Dominick for this purchase. Let me explain why the Little Mermaid is essential:

The Little Mermaid is the DR J. of Disney films. It ushered in the modern era (and brought us “Kiss the Girl” and Under the Sea”). Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast were the Magic and Larry and the Lion King was Michael Jordan. Now the NBA without Dr J is not the NBA. Likewise a Disney DVD collection without The Little Mermaid is not a Disney DVD collection. You may ask – why do you have a Disney DVD collection? Well, because they are good.

(Side note – the Pixar films are like the Steroid Era in baseball. Technically advanced in an unfair way, but a superior product. Cars will be in my mailbox in early November).

But TLM is also the Britney Spears of Disney movies. She made it ok for young girls in animated movies to be hot. After her it was ok to be country hot (Beauty and the Beast), Persian/Arab hot (Aladdin’s Jasmine) and beastiality hot (Simba’s chick) and gay (Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella as Timon and Pumba).

My point is that The Little Mermaid is a ground breaker and should be honored, not ridiculed. besides, it is only available for a limited time before it is locked in the Disney Vault.

MAJOR CAHNGE IN FOCUS: PART II

So what’s the deal with National Intelligence Estimates and Bob Woodward’s newest book?

I have friends who believe going into Iraq was the right thing to do. I personally believe we should have blasted the f–k out of New Zealand. I also have friends who think that the moderate Muslim world is largely against us and does not speak out against the violence (not according to the NIE which states the opposite, but I am sure my friends have good sources too, like Brit Hume (why the long face d-bag) and Bill O’Reilly, who always seek to give the whole story of George Bush’s divinity, not just half. And I have friends who think the world and America is safer because we are in Iraq. Not according to the NIE, but then again my friends point to the fact that we haven’t been attacked since 9/11. Unlike our President, terrorists believe in planning their attacks out, so I guess we are not out of the water yet. I also have friends who say you cannot reason with the majority of the people in the Middle East. That usually comes from people who are supporting the actions of an evangelical Christian president who will not let facts get in the way of his war planning (or lack thereof).

Then came Bob Woodward’s newest book. Apparently Bush and his staff did ignore specific requests to target Bin Laden early in his administration (score Bill Clinton). I’m sorry buck-toothed Condi I can’t hear you: “I believe the memo said, Bin laden determined to strike inside the United States.”

Also according to the book, apparently when American soldiers die, Bush wants to make sure that we killed more, because like a basketball game, wars are simply won by who scores more casualties. Counting Iraqi Civilians, we are kicking ass and taking absolutely no names.

According to Woodward the administration knows that violence is going to rise in 2007, but insist publicly that it is getting better.

I also like the argument that Muslim religious fundamentalists cannot be reasoned with or bargained with that my friend’s make. I admit that that is probably true. But that may also explain why some moderate Palestinians would be hesitant to discuss peace with the new tenants of their old homeland, who were given the keys to the house by Europeans based on a fundamentalist reading of a religious text. Sort of like Jennifer Connolly in House of Sand and Fog. With suicide bombing.

This is not to say that there aren’t crazies in the Middle East. President Superkallifrajolistic (I don’t think I spelled it right) in Iran is nuts. But the more lies we tell and the more we fu-k up the region the more loonies like him will look credible. Since we seem to be going back in time and enlightenment, perhaps we could re-colonize Africa on our way back from Mission Accomplished.

I wonder if any white women have disappeared recently so that Fox news can lead with something valuable and newsworthy because Lord knows, this whole NIE thing and Woodward thing are pretty insignificant.

Well, you know what a white girl is disappearing… off the store shelves! Get the Little Mermaid DVD on Tuesday October 3rd! Although if George Bush sees it he may wage war on the Atlantic Ocean to get Ursula the Sea Witch. The best part of that is that she lives in the Pacific.

Was this what the Civil Rights Movement Was About?

Tuesday was a great day. Two things happened in particular.

One – I had just been booked last minute to do a show at Medgar Evers’ College in Brooklyn – 15 minutes for $50. NICE!

Two – I am a representative for my office at a Police Precinct in the Bronx. At that meeting I learned that an abandonned baby had been found and that the officer who found the baby and brought it to the hospital had just recently adopted the baby. It was one of those moments where someone like me, who has seen their faith diminish every year since law school and the Bush administration began, paused and said, “There really is still good in the world.” Then my show at Medgar Evers’ College occurred tonight and all those good thoughts went far, far away.

Medgar Evers’ was a Civil Rights figure killed by James Woods, married to Whoopie Goldberg and avenged by Alec Baldwin (in Ghosts of Mississippi). I don’t know much about him, but Iearned an important thing about him. Apparently he fought and gave his life so that a 2/3 empty auditorium of students could boo, hiss, heckle and flaunt their stupidity on September 27, 2006 at a college named after him.

The crowd began heckling for the second comic of the night and they did not stop until I got off the stage (comedian Elon James White did command the aduience quite well after me). I made many mistakes during my set. Here are some:

1) I tried material. This crowd did not want to hear material. They wanted to hear themselves.

2) I did not check my IQ at the door. It is hard to get into witty exchanges with a heckling crowd when many of them are too dumb to get the retorts. In their minds you always suck because they shout at you, you make fun of them, they don’t get it and think you suck more. Furthermore – the crowd would “ooooo” and “aahhhhh” at jokes that were not offensive – ones that would rank a .5 on an offensive scale of 10. A heckler also shouted at me “You could play basketball,” when I got on stage. A keen eye like that will make sure that the appropriate level of salt is on my McDonald’s french fries one day.

3) I kept trying to get through material. When that did not work I then got the hook, almost literally. If the host had a hook he would have latched it to my neck and yanked me off.

This show was the worst show I have ever had in 3 years and 4 months of comedy. I am most mad that I am letting a bunch of dumb hecklers who probably forged their GED results to get the best of me. I left the show immediately because I felt bad things would happen if I stayed. Now it is Brooklyn so bad things would have probably ended with me and bullet holes, or I may have hurt someone.

And comedy is not about hurting other people. It is about hurting yourself through experiences like this show.

What’s worse for me is that when I told the crowd that I was half-Hatian, they seemed to turn on me. I guess they did not believe me and thought I was trying to claim the Haitian popularity that’s all the rage these days. They saw an Italian-looking dude on stage adn didn’t want to adjust their collective mindset. If Medgar Evers’ and the Civil Rights Movement stood for anything it was that people should be judged by their appearance alone and not on the basis of the character, experiences and background.

Now I do not want to just be a “club comic.” I want to be able to work colleges and other venues, but I don’t want to have to check my brain at the door and become a comic that I am not.

So I will get a good night’s sleep, lift weights tomorrow with a Drago/Clubber Lang-like anger and try ot work on my routine for Gotham on Tuesday.

But one thank you to a woman in the crowd when one heckler said “You ain’t funny,” she replied, “Yes he is!” Thank you, but I hate your classmates.

Some scary NYC public school stories

I am not sure where to start on this one, so I will go chronologically.

My uncle (public high school teacher in Bronx) told me a hilarious story from last week. And by hilarious I mean makes me want to punch a wall really hard.

He is in the middle of a lecture (approx 15 minutes into class) when a young man walks in late, looks at the attendance sheet, sees himself marked absent and asks: “Why you mark me absent nigga?” There are several problems with this:

1) He didn’t raise his hand.

2) The student is Latino and my uncle is white. Neither of these people should be using the N-word as a colloquialism.

3) You were 15 minutes late you dumb degenerate, that’s why.

4) “Why you mark me absent” is not correct grammar.

So my uncle, through experience, knows better than to “challenge” a student in front of the class, brings him outside and tells him that language is not acceptable and that he can’t interrupt a class like that. The response… poetry:

“Fu-k you – suck my di-k.” And then he walked away.

Now I am sure that at my current job I will run into this young man eventually or one of his soon-to-be-conceived gifts from Heaven, but I must say I am glad I am not his teacher. If I were, I would probably still be at my location of current employment, but probably with my hands behind my back in cuffs.

But I am sure his failings as a human being are the failings of the system and the teachers. Or maybe he didn’t get his latte at Starbucks that morning and he felt groggy. The happy ending to the story is that after my uncle filed a report with the school administration as to the student’s conduct, they walked the student back in and told my uncle that he cannot have his students walking the halls. For shame Uncle! Perhaps when this young man assaults one of his teachers they can blame the teacher’s face for hurting the student’s hand.

But in case you are worried about the present state of high school, the NY Daily News has an uplifting story today about the future minds of my home county and city.

61% of 4th graders in NYC passed the standardized reading and writing exam, prompting the Bush administration to change their education program to “Only 2/5 children left behind.” And they plummet as the children get older when in 8th grade the passing rate is just under 40% for that level. Remarkably, these are improvements since 2002.

Now I understand that in NYC 8th grade is an important time and 8th graders are probably busy just learning how to get high and breast feed, but enough is enough.

The worst stat was that at the Morrisania 4th grade (the neighborhood just north of where I work) 4.8% passed. That is not a misprint. That means for every 40 4th graders at that school, 2 pass. That means their 4th grade valedictorian could, in theory, have a D+ average. My 21 month old nephew appears to be at the same reading level as a lot of these kids. But rest assured I am not just a complainer. I have solutions:

1) Criminalize giving Game Boys and video games to children who cannot read. The bottle has been replaced by the sippy cup. But it has also been replaced by the Game Boy. I have seen more than a few little Einsteins playing Game Boys on buses and trains, even though Mommy needs to turn it on for them and explain the instructions. Rule of thumb – if you cannot read the booklet or the names of the characters in the game – you are too young. Even video game manufacturers, who are basically intellectual drug dealers, put an 8 year old minimum age on systems. In light of these new stats, perhaps it should be 15.

2) God needs to find something besides conception of human life to make the easiest thing for a human to do. Conception should rank with Calculus and Latin in difficulty. Not impossible, but you really need to focus and be committed to do it. Hell, make it as difficult as learning to read and we’d be better off. Right now conception seems to require the same effort as saying, “nice ass, can I holla at you?”

The problem is one of mathematics. Schools and ACS case workers will continue to have exceedingly heavy numbers and these issues will multiply at an exponential rate, while those willing or able to help will increase at a linear rate.

Perhaps it is like Chris Rock said, “We don’t need prayer in school; we need the Tossed Salad man in Schools.” Heck, if you are going to meet TS man at some point, better that it be to learn to read than to choose jelly or syrup.

random stuff

Well, after an August and September that saw a torrent pace of blogs I took some time off to reflect. Here is a summary of what I have been doing over the past several days:

1) After receiving my promotional DVDs in the mail I mailed them out – approximately 110 of them, with headshots, cover letters, and resumes. It is amazing how I was not similarly motivated to do that during law school (and they just need the letter and resumes). I will keep you posted on how the comedy industry feels about my jokes. My guess is that they will love them.

2) I saw an 8 year old Latino kid drop the N-word (in slang), making him the youngest ignorant fool I have ever seen. Once again, let me reiterate that the n-word is a terrible word, but if anyone should be using it before it hopefully becomes extinct, it should be black people. And Paul Mooney. Latinos were given their own racial slur and should embrace it, not steal the black racial slur. I will be doing a routine based on this that will either win me critical acclaim or beatings from black people who do not believe I am half black.

3) I watched Season 2 of Lost. Pretty good. Adebesie from Oz is on the island in Season 2, but shockingly no one got raped.

That is all I have done with my time. Now I will start busying myself for a flurry of October shows.