These are just a couple of long-winded Facebook posts I put out, but for those of you not on Facebook here they are:
Post 1:
A year ago I was performing in the middle of Pennsylvania. In my set was a joke about guns. Four white dudes between 25 and 35 came up to me after. They said in the middle of the conversation that they were hunters but then three of them made fun of the one of the four of their group who was an “Obama gonna git my guns… 2nd Amendment is the 3rd part of the Bible” style “thinker.” Seems about right based on polls that a majority of them, though liking hunting, would find that guy absurd.
Free speech has limits that everyone accepts (no threatening the president, no yelling fire in a crowded theater, etc.), but over the last decade stupid people (or disingenuous people interested in selling guns or denigrating the left or both) have convinced enough people and politicians that guns are less dangerous than words and that freedom requires less gun restriction, not more.
It should be surprising to no one that it was Clarence Thomas of all justices who, in a footnote to a late 90s case (US v Lopez I think) started the Supreme Court’s path towards enshrining a ridiculous reading of the 2nd Amendment.
But Obama is black and Newtown was a fake so let’s “wait for all the facts”
Post 2:
Laws are not just about criminalizing an activity immediately and like a magic wand all is right. Laws, for good and bad, can dictate and cultivate changes in culture that may not always materialize over night. And I do believe there is WAY too much violence in our popular culture (exception – John Wick – that dude can’t be violent enough – HE RULES)
So of course for some shootings, laws may not have stopped them, but 20 or 30 or 50 years from now if we are a country that treats guns like dangerous weapons as a last resort (like the way countries view nuclear weapons) instead of accessories or extensions of genitals we may see a shift that cannot be easily quantified by a simple signing of a law.
But the left recently is always stuck having to tell a dumb and increasingly impatient ADHD populace that things like gun violence, universal pre-K, affordable housing, family planning, environmentalism, etc. are for the best, which they are, but they take time and require patience and a little less self-interest and a little more common interest. But for people who will say “laws could not have changed this” think back to legislators around the country that wanted to limit assault weapons or magazine capacities after Sandy Hook. They either failed, or the legislators (in places like Colorado) were voted out., even though if the Sandy Hook killer had not had access to high round magazines (either because of scarcity or illegality), some of those slaughtered kids would be alive.
We have too many guns and are too violent a culture. Everyone should take some responsibility. TV and movies, legislators who limit funding for mental health services, but most of all gun lobbyists who fear monger (the NRA is a gun seller lobbying group masquerading as a gun rights group) and people who oppose sensible legislation. We need to make changes now so that immediate changes take place, but more importantly the culture is given the chance to change long term.
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
Last night I watched the Emmys and immediately felt accomplished because I had seen almost all the shows referenced in the opening dance number by homeless-man’s Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg. Ten seconds later I felt shame realizing that my studio apartment really is a binge watching bunker. Samberg went through his monologue, which although full of bombs, did have the gem, that based on new classifications in the nominating categories “Orange is the New Black is now a drama, and Louie is now considered jazz.” I laughed out loud when I heard that. But then it was time for the awards. I gave a detailed preview score sheet on Facebook that proved mostly correct, except for a few pleasant surprises and a bunch of losses to something called Olive Kitteridge. So here is my Emmy recap and a quick preview of what I think will win Best Drama at the 2018 Emmys.
Veep scores the most important win of the night.Veep is a great comedy that scored its finest season this year (the addition of Hugh Laurie aka House was tremendous – like if the Golden State Warriors had added Lamarcus Aldridge this off season). I believe Veep was the 2nd best comedy of the year (after Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt), but more important than who won, was who lost, namely Transparent. I had a genuine fear that the hip, politically timely, offensively hipster led (look up director/creator Jill Soloway at last night’s ceremony – all that was missing was a bonnet made out of kale), and incredibly unfunny (though Jeffrey Tambour is an excellent actor and gave a good, mostly dramatic performance in the show) show would score a victory for politics over actual humor. With Veep crushing it in most comedy categories, the Emmy voters (which were recently expanded from its usually high brow “blue ribbon panel” voters) send a resounding message that comedy actually matters more than political winds in the comedy category.
Game of Thrones and Peter Dinklage get rewarded for Season 4 by winning for Season 5.Game of Thrones is a masterpiece of film making on TV screens and Peter Dinklage is tremendous. I believe that Better Call Saul and Jonathan Banks should have won these awards, but Game of Thrones and Dinklage were both my 2nd place choices in their respective categories. However, I really think Game of Thrones and Dinklage hit their high water marks in season 4, so this may have been a make-up call for when Breaking Bad is not eligible (Hi also to Jon Hamm – the Hakeem Olajuwon of the Emmys – winning his titles in the absence of the GOAT – i.e. Bryan Cranston)
Olive Kitteridge. Fine HBO – I will watch it. Thanks for keeping it On Demand.
Inside Amy Schumer hit its peak at the right time.SNL has been in a low not seen since the Goat Boy era and IAS is both qualitatively good (though the last couple of episodes ran out of steam in season 3), as well as politically well suited to spearhead the “women in comedy” cacophony/movement. Cool to see someone I did bringer shows with a decade ago get an Emmy.
Kimmy Schmidt Gets Nothing. I was stunned that Titus Burgess did not win for Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Legitimately shocked (though Tony Hale is great on Veep, and he gave a shout out to the creator of Arrested Development in his acceptance speech, which always gets my respect). Also Jane Krakowski continues to go home empty handed. Then it dawned on me that the lead actress was not even nominated. I hope the show gets more respect for its second season next year. On a tangential note – I do not believe shock and tears from winners who already won a year ago for the same exact role – I am talking to you Uzo from Orange is the New Black.
Viola Davis gave a great speech and inspired the next great American show. Inspired by the Emmys, the speeches and the winners I began feverishly writing the pilot for my new series that will be a diverse tapestry of all things gritty and progressive. It is about a member of the Bloods gang in LA who is a ruthless killer and has 5 kids by 4 different women, but is really acting like the world’s worst inner city nightmare because he is transgendered and is merely overcompensating for his crippling fear, The show will be called Blood Transfusion and I expect it to get a 2 season pick-up from Netflix or Amazon.
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
This weekend was Labor Day weekend, but in one of the great ironies of my comedy career in 2015 it was one of the few weekends I found myself working in a comedy club, instead of at a computer doing legal work. I was in Timonium, Maryland at Magooby’s Joke House featuring for Rob Maher (he is the guest on this week’s podcast). So, continuing one of the most revered traditions in all of stand up comedy, here is another road recap for you to enjoy:
Thursday – Small Crowd, Smaller Laughs: I arrived in Baltimore with The Wire theme song repeating in my brain and got on the light rail to Timonium. From there it was a .6 mile walk to the Red Roof Inn Plus, where I was staying. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I arrived at the RRIP for a few reasons: one – I have stayed at some very pleasant, well-attended Red Roof Inns; two – this was a Red Roof Inn PLUS so it was probably better than that and three – I paid $159 (including taxes and fees) for three nights. So those are two reasons it could be good and one that could mean I would get raped and murdered by Waingro from Heat (an analogy I have made too many times to the various lodgings in my comedy career).
That night there was only one show. The crowd was light and for me, the laughs were lighter. It was one of those crowds where way more people came up to me after to tell me variations of “really funny,” and I always want to reply, “Yeah, I know, but it would have been cool to laugh out loud during my set so that I didn’t get the universal sign for “not funny at all.”
After the show Rob (the headliner) and I were caught in a conversation with a 5’7″ busty blonde from Bel Air, MD who taught special ed kids (what’s not to like?). Now on a quick biographical note, I dated a 5’7″ busty blonde from Bel Air, MD for three years so perhaps engaging in any conversation with her was an attempt to re-capture a pleasant moment from my past. However, that lasted about 20 seconds. Why? Because the woman at the club was kind of racist and might have been looking to cheat (two of my three rules with hooking up are 1) must not be racist and 2) must not be in a relationship – the third, which does not apply here is 3) must not be someone a friend dated). Well this woman was regaling Rob and I with stories of how she has relationships with women, that her husband was away for the weekend and how she gave her 1st BJ in 7th grade. She had an accurate count of how many black men she had made out with in her life (“three”) and many other odd statements that might have made her super progressive during the Civil War, but felt uncomfortable in 2015.
After leaving the club and bisexual, racist version of my ex, I stopped by the gas station across from the RRIP, bought a pack of Soft Batch cookies and a 1% milk (an old road tradition of mine) and went to cross the street when I saw a young 20-something woman in a low cut tank top and shorts holding a sign that indicated that she was hitchhiking. Needless to say that this empowered woman was just another in the quietly dignified group of “sex workers” in America who, despite a 99.9% correlation of being victims of sexual trauma and/or parental neglect, she seemed like the exception to the rule and just making sound life choices to augment her entrepreneurial life. But since my room had two beds and I felt bad I asked the woman three quick questions…
Washington had Mt Vernon. Jefferson had Monticello. J-L Cauvin has the Red Roof Inn Plus
Friday – J-L is Back! (but still not selling much merchandise): Friday I spend about 5 hours in a Panera Bread reading (FYI – the best chocolate chip cookies available from a chain are Panera Bread’s. They are awesome). Message to any men over the age of 60 in Timonium, MD – there is an oasis of senior citizen vagina in the Panera Bread. I also tried to watch a movie through Amazon Prime in my room, but Red Roof Inn Plus has the WiFi equivalent of 1997 dial up. I also noticed that there were a lot of ants in my bathroom area so I did buy a can of Raid-Ant Killer and proceed to become the Bashar-Al Assad of the Timonium ant community.
That night I had two strong shows, but sold almost no merchandise. So instead I bought two packs of Soft Batch, one for each CD I sold. I would have given the local prostitute a pack, but she was not out on Friday night. I then got home in time to catch an amazing fifth set between Rafael Nadal and an Italian dude named Fabio Fognini. In addition to upsetting Nadal, he also led to the greatest tweet in US Open history when I wrote “Fognini looks like the hot member of an ISIS boy band.”
Saturday – Kill on Show 1, Get the Death Penalty on Show 2: One of the things I have learned recently is that even as I get better at writing and performing my comedy I will still alienate some crowds, even when I am on my game. Generally it will be a combination of easily offended and mentally dumb that don’t get or like me. Well Show 1 Saturday was NOT that crowd. I murdered as hard as I ever have with that crowd (video clips coming to the YouTube channel soon). I really had a terrific set and felt great. I had earlier watched Northwestern upset Stanford on TV (my brother went to NU so they are the college program I root for/follow) and had had another Panera chocolate chip cookie that day so with a great first show the day had the makings of perfection. Then Show 2 occurred…
I felt good going into show 2. My friend Marie, from law school, showed up with her husband so I thought – “I am killing with strangers – now the crowd has people I know – THIS IS GONNA ROCK.” What followed for the final show of the weekend was nothing short then capital punishment. Awkward silences to the early litmus test jokes I have (early set jokes I use on the road that always kill so I can gauge the crowd) and then when discussing Latin women and working in the Bronx an audible “Wow… wow” from an unhappy women. That wouldn’t be so bad, except that was the only sound. In 3 of the 4 shows before the laughter may have drowned the feigned shock of this woman, but the late Saturday crowd’s silence provided her with an audible spotlight.
The best thing about doing comedy long enough is that you really don’t feel badly after a tough set (they did lose it to a 5 minute bit about being blamed for other people’s shits in public bathrooms – not surprising). I think they could tell I felt mentally superior to them, which may have hurt my chances of regaining their affection (which I never actually had). Oh well, 3 of the 5 shows went great, one went so so and one was a bloodbath (with me as the sole victim). But it is weird that in the same town, on the same night one crowd of residents can think you are the greatest thing ever and then the very next crowd hates your guts within ten minutes. But that is how real life has been for me so at least my comedy appears to be true to myself. #Blessed
Off to Los Angeles next week. Stay tuned.
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
Last night I was booked on a show at a Moroccan restaurant (little known comedy fact – Kevin Hart, Louis CK and Amy Schumer all got their big breaks at Sunday evening shows at basement Moroccan restaurant shows) and it did not disappoint. I arrived around 7:45pm for the 8pm show and was greeted by an Eastern European 9.7/10 who, surprisingly had never heard of me (she offered me a table, when I was obviously there for comedy, she must not be a fan of Comics Unleashed) or the comedy show (an older woman informed her that the comedy show was inside). On a side note I was not sure what was sadder, me at this stage of my career or this super attractive young woman working at this restaurant, probably via shipping crate, when she could be attached to a millionaire within 6 months with a little bit of hustle and missed birth control. The bottom line is we are both way too talented in our respective areas of strength for that Moroccan restaurant.
Well the ambiance was very relaxing, dim lighting, friendly staff and music that sounded alternatively like the the call to prayer in a Muslim country and the ominous music before something bad happens on Tyrant on FX. I sat in a table in the back waiting for people to show up sitting next to a guy with a huge beard (devout messy, not hipster messy), wearing sunglasses, smoking a hookah and eating a large meal by himself (#LoneWolf).
The booker for the show showed up next and we had a nice laugh at the zero audience members, and I requested that “Although I am a professional failure, please let it be known that I am professional,” given my early arrival. The last time they had the show it was well attended, which just confirmed my status as Comedy’s version of The Nothing in The Neverending Story. A couple more comics showed up shortly after 8 and we say and chatted til about 8:40. It was like how comedians sit around at the Comedy Cellar, except none of us had professional opportunities or advice to offer each other, but we also were not in denial about our comedy industry 1% status.
The show was officially cancelled at around 8:40 pm, but that was OK by me, because you can never bomb the sets you don’t do. Let that be a lesson to any young comedians reading this blog. Then I walked across Manhattan with comedian Sergio Chicon, discussing all the great things that come with a career in stand up comedy, departing on 2nd avenue for him to catch the bus home and me to drown my comedy sorrows in a chocolate milkshake at Baskin Robbins. So I finished the night with a non-show only costing me $4.67. Based on my 12+ years in this business that is definitely one of my more lucrative nights. #Blessed #ComedyMogul
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
One need only turn on the debate of one of America’s two major political parties to know what women do not get a fair shake in our society, STILL, in 2015. I mean if a rich, arrogant man speaks to a beautiful, intelligent woman like Megyn Kelly with contempt and disrespect, what hope is there for a 7 or… gulp… a 5 or below in our culture? Watching Trump rise in the polls for his brash and insensitive talk about women is almost as disturbing as the other more mainstream GOP candidates talk about women’s issues with 19th century paternalism. So for all my jokes about women needing empowerment, and all the assorted hashtags that have accompanied it in recent years, it is clear that women’s rights and awareness for their issues is still in a critical phase. That is why I am using my blog to highlight some of the bored and weird women raising awareness for issues that should be considered 10th tier issues for women who are not bored with their lives and lack of purpose. Inspired by Dave Chappelle’s “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong” here is “When Empowerment and Awareness Go Wrong:”
The Woman Who Ran a Marathon Without A Tampon
Kiran Gandhi, a 26 year old Harvard Business School grad ran the London Marathon on her Megyn Kelly to raise awareness for women without access to feminine products and to encourage women not to be embarrassed about their periods. Huh? I get that lack of access to important hygienic products can be important (I would hope she helped raise money for this as well), but period-shaming/empowerment is now a thing requiring an awareness campaign? As Gandhi (not the one who helped free a nation, but the real hero without a tampon) said, “I ran with blood dripping down my legs for sisters who don’t have access to tampons and sisters who, despite cramping and pain, hide it away and pretend like it doesn’t exist.” I might be part of the primitive part of the culture that thinks a woman with blood seeping from her vagina through her pants is kind of gross, but I have never dated a woman who had a problem telling me (or just demonstrating through poor attitude – AM I RIGHT FELLAS???!) when she was on her period, and frankly is it now “shaming” to not share your bodily excretions with co-workers, acquaintances and strangers? Well in that case, please join me in your favorite pair of white underwear in NYC next Saturday for “Skidmark Awareness Saturday.”
Breast Feeding As a Constitutional Right
The other story that caught my attention was a breast feeding rally at City Hall and then a subway ride to raise awareness of breast feeding discrimination. I am still getting used to people putting their bare feet on Metro north seats and now I am the new class of bigots that do a double take when a woman pops out a boob to feed her kid? This is part of what I think should be called the “Bored Moms In Need of a Sense of Meaning” mafia. There just are not enough selfies and yoga classes in the world to satisfy these ladies so now every thing they do has added weight. Of course there are times where you must feed your child that are inconvenient, but why should it be the norm that you feed your kid wherever you please if you have a choice or alternative? Farting is natural, but if I do it in an elevator with other people I have the class to blame it on someone else because I was raised with a sense of decorum. I might be OK with breastfeeding on subways if the woman about to breastfeed yelled out “SHOWTIME PEOPLE!” before doing so, like their break dancing counterparts. My favorite line in the article is that Representative Carolyn Mahoney said that breastfeeding should be a “Constitutional Right.” How did the Founding Fathers miss that one?! It is legal in NY, but the women say they still face discrimination and are fired for breast feeding in public. I would be curious how exactly many firings require a rally – 2? – gay people cannot get an anti-discrimination law passed in Congress, but hopefully both parties can come together to ensure that women no longer get strange looks when they pop out a boob at Chipotle.
I feel like women protesting why their dry cleaning costs more than men’s clothing, for less fabric usually would be more sensible and practical. But I am probably mansplaining or something,
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
No, this blog is not about any pending transitions in my gender identity or the coming out culmination of my last few weeks’ podcast episodes where I have awkwardly commented on the startling good looks of Henry Cavill – oops doing it again. No today I am writing about watching an MMA pay-per-view event for the first time (#UFC190 for those of you archiving this). I was supposed to go to a bar that plays 80s music Saturday night, in keeping with a tradition with my best friend. Each birthday, or around, we go to a bar, often labeled the douchiest in NYC, to get drunk and listen to 80s music to the wee hours of the morning surrounded by horrible twenty somethings from Murray Hill and New Jersey that we judge like 36 year old Statler and Waldorfs. But on August 1st my friend broke with a time honored tradition and asked if I wanted to go to the apartment of a friend of his to watch the aforementioned MMA event. I said yes, even though I really wanted to sit and get drunk to Toto or Kim Carnes.
When the event began I finally understood every complaint and dumb question that a woman had ever asked me during a sporting event. An ex girlfriend of mine used to always say during football games that she alternatively “didn’t get” or “hated” when teams handed the ball off for an up the middle run, which more often than not leads to a 2 yard gain. Then begins the explanation of how it is making the defense respect the run and keep everyone on their toes to open up other big plays chances (not to mention the occasional big run up the middle). Well, in the case of MMA I felt like a dumb chick and that tiny boulder of bro masculinity/marijuana spiritual conversion Joe Rogan playing the alpha male boyfriend explaining all the things that looked like nonsense to actually be technical savvy. Here is the breakdown of the event from my perspective:
1st Match I Recall: Women Be Punching!
It was between two women. One woman beat the ever loving shit out of the other woman. And I felt like a racist who claims that he likes women’s hoops more than men’s hoops because there are more fundamentals (code for – I don’t like seeing black men kicking ass), except as the matches continued that night I realized that the women’s match featured a lot more punches than most of the men’s matches. So thanks to their inferior strength and soft faces, women’s MMA ends up being more exciting.
2nd Match I Recall: A Guy Who Looks Like Shane Battier with a Pituitary Issue Fighting Another Large Guy
This was a match up of Large Dad Bods. And featured a decent amount of dry humping and spooning, which my MMA announcer boyfriend Joe Rogan repeatedly insisted throughout matches that this was actually really great technique. I then realized that at 6’7″, 275 lbs I was bigger than both guys fighting and had basically the same 3 pack abs that they did. So if comedy doesn’t work out (wait, the verdict is already in) then I may just take the emotional beating of the comedy industry and get my mug busted for meager profits.
3rd Match I Recall: Skyscraper vs. a Guy They Insisted was an MMA Legend
Skyscraper was 6’11” and beat the old legend guy who looked like a grizzled owner of a bodega. All I kept thinking was, why doesn’t a guy with great coordination who is 6’11” play basketball. Then I realized, he was white and maybe he is a racist so rather then playing with men of color he gets paid to beat up men of color. It’s a theory.
4th and 5th Matches I Recall: Reality Show Competitions
I was disappointed that these were not the Finalists for America’s Got Marginal Talent fighting each other (how funny would it be to see a country singer and a ventriloquist have to fight MMA to win AGT). Instead they were finalists in two different weight classes from an MMA show. These matches actually had some solid fighting (what do I know – I just didn’t need Joe Rogan to explain forceful spooning as “great technique” since there were a ton of punches. And one guy kept trying a move called a “Guillotine” which I never quite figured out because he attempted it and could not hold it on 5 separate occasions.
6th Match I recall: Pretty Blonde Lady Wins as I Fall Asleep
There were seven total matches and it was way past my non-drinking, listening to 80s music bed time when Ronda Rousey came out to fight a Brazilian chick who had been talking a lot of trash about Rousey. While watching this (and like most women watching a major sporting event I was busy watching a main event with an opposite sex star) I realized that MMA is really just porn for unattractive women (Bad Dads yield porn stars or MMA fighters, depending on looks). That is what makes Rousey so compelling. She is talented and attractive (though her mug looked a tad South Parky in Furious 7 next to her anorexic Hollywood co-stars, but that is a small issue). Perhaps she tried porn first, but after the third male co-star complained of having their penis severed mid thrust she opted for the Octagon (quick side note – I love the movie Warrior, a very strong film about MMA fighting brothers starring Tom Hardy). Well as I was almost ready to tap out from fatigue, Rousey punched the Brazilian woman and won in 34 seconds.
No woman is going to beat Ronda Rousey. Like our women’s soccer team, she is aided by living in America. Women are mostly relegated to second class status or sex objects in most of the world. so she basically has to compete with either homely trailer park messes from America or the 8 Brazilian women not hot enough to be in the sex houses of one-named soccer stars. So congrats to Ronda Rousey. Between my ignorance of the sport, my man crush on Henry Cavill and feeling impotent watching your physical powers I now know what it is like to be a woman. #SorryNotSorry #LeanIn #YesAllWomen #CallMeCait #Hashtags
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
This weekend represented the end to the longest slump in my comedy career. 7 months in between road work. There are several possible reasons for this bad streak: bad luck with e-mail response, blacklisted for naming some notorious pieces of sh*t within comedy, making funny videos about people in comedy (the group of people who never stop claiming that “nothing should be off limits” in comedy), or less available work because of the need to work shittier comedians with managers who leverage their bigger clients to get their less talented ones force fed upon the general populace. Whatever the reason is for my historic dip, this weekend was a break from that as I featured for Michael Ian Black for four shows at the Arlington Cinema & Drafthouse. So as usual, though I am rusty having not written a road recap in 6 months, let’s start from the beginning.
On Friday morning I headed to Penn Station to catch Amtrak to DC. I arrived with perfect timing as the train track was called just as I got in view of the big board with all the track assignments. Now, anyone who knows Penn Station knows that when a track goes up, unlike every other train station in the northeast corridor where orderly lines emerge, a mob scene immediately develops with half of the people attempting to form something close to a line while the other half begin to attack the front of the line from 5 to 6 directions, as if they cannot see the line. Every time I get a train at Penn Station I am reminded how horrible humanity is. We don’t need an apocalyptic situation or a water or food shortage to see humanity at its most savage; we just need a track assignment in Penn Station on a Friday. The best part was when I was in the middle of the line a man just sort of slide into the line right in front of me. I just tapped him on the shoulder and said “there’s a line.” He then sheepishly moved all the way back (having a good foot in height and 100 lbs in weight on someone makes enforcing moral order a little bit easier). I felt good, but I realized that it didn’t really matter. Just the fact that in a random sample of Amtrak riders, 50% of the population does not give a shit for order or respect for other people irritates me so much. The only silver lining is that the people that cut the line, rushed the middle, etc. came from all backgrounds, proving that economic status, sexual orientation, gender and race make no difference in how awful human beings are. #AllLivesSuck
So with a good, angry sweat built up observing this I grabbed a seat next to an old lady reading a Kindle (while I read my hard copy book) and headed to DC.
I checked into the Arlington Hyatt, which thanks to good luck on Hotwire.com turned out to be a very nice hotel and across the street from a Metro station. For those of you that do not know Hotwire, it is like gambling for middle and lower class travelers. You put in your address and it gives you anonymous hotels within certain distance ranges from your given address. It tells you the stars of the hotel, the price you will pay (always cheaper than other travel sites because it ends up helping hotels you might not book on another site because of either the name or the distance). So you could end up with a hotel 3 blocks from your destination or 4 miles (my range was 0 to 5.5 miles that I picked from). So I was very happy to get a hotel off of a Metro station, 3 stops from the Drafthouse when it could have been a disaster (and they are non-refundable – you only learn your hotel when you have already paid). It is a very thrilling way to start a mundane trip. But possibly not riveting blog reading.
The shows were really fun at ACDH, as they were the first time I was there in 2014. I began a bit rusty, but to be fair (since I never hesitate to shit on crowds that suck) they were easy/very pleasant audiences. The most important thing I learned from the 1st night was that I needed to retire a Ronda Rousey joke I tell. Here is the offending part:
Even more than Hillary Clinton, I feel like Ronda Rousey is a more impressive feminist hero. Because she is not just doing what a man does, but she is so impressive men might want to be her, without thinking of gender first. I mean she’s rich, she’s famous, she’s ripped and she gets applauded for beating the shit out of women. What guy wouldn’t want to be her?
Now the joke is a solid joke in terms of structure and punch line, but I finally realized (the joke has hit well 50% of the time for me and fallen flat 50% of the time in the 10-12 times I have told it) that I have to quit telling it. If I was 5’3″ and 105 lbs I could probably get away with it because (as I discussed with the emcee of the weekend) it would rise to the level of absurd and the joke would feel less like a viable threat. However at 6’7″ 275 lbs the idea of hitting a woman is sort of impossible to make funny even if the joke technically works. #LargeComediansPunchlinesMatter
The second night was outstanding. I had dusted off some of the rust of the first night and both shows, especially the second one, were killer. Sadly, videotaping is not allowed at ACDH, even by comedians so the set will only live on in the hundreds of oral re-tellings of the feature act’s legendary performance by the hundreds in attendance. New bits killed, old bits killed and by the end of the night I only had 5 of the 26 CDs I brought to sell (I lost 21 on the Metro – KIDDING – I sold 21 copies because I am very good at stand up comedy).
So it was a great trip and it felt good to be on the road again, even if just for a few days and even if I spent Saturday in my hotel reviewing e-mails for my daytime legal work. I feel like the two best parts of road work are leaving and returning: the excitement of going to perform for new people and then the mental exhale of knowing you will get back home to your usual comforts: cookies and a TiVo. #Blessed
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
Becky Hammon who was an all star in the WNBA (for those who are not familiar with the WNBA, imagine a really solid male high school player), has recently coached the San Antonio Spurs Summer League team to a championship, which of course would be less meaningful than season two of True Detective if the coach were not a woman. But it is still a cool, or at least interesting moment in sports. After all, coaching men, rather than playing with men, does not require anything that a woman doesn’t possess. And the Spurs are the right organization to test this out – a team without major egos, with an ingrained culture of discipline and selflessness is a much better place to test this out than say, a team with JR Smith or Dwight Howard (asking your coach if she “wants the pipe” or having your 9th child out of wedlock with your coach would be bad PR to say the least). But while we are on a historic wave of eliminating any distinctions or differences that come with gender, there are some things we should definitely pause to reflect on before an NBA team hires a female head coach:
1) Tony Parker will try to have sex with Becky Hammon if she has a husband who can be cuckolded. Parker is a great player and slept with his teammate’s wife to prove it. Don’t think as his career nears its end and playing time dwindles that he won’t try and bang his way to more minutes.
2) Is the NBA prepared to have a Kardashian as a coach? If the Kardashian women have to pool all their earnings just to buy a team so they can install one of them as a coach (why ruin the lives of black men one at a time when you can do it twelve at a time) they will. Though I am pretty sure three Kardashians would find interesting ways to get high profile free agents to sign with the team.
3) Expect a lot of Dirk Diggler-esque “You’re not my mom; you’re not my fu*king mom!” arguments between players and coach. Fame, strained parental relationships, large penises – NBA players have plenty in common with Dirk Diggler of Boogie Nights and at some point there will be some rebelling against a mother-like figure in the locker room or on the court. Granted, this is preferable to a Latrell Spreewell coach choking incident, but it may be very uncomfortable nonetheless.
4) The Internet will break from think pieces. Seeing how many blogs and think pieces have been written about Amy Schumer in the last month (even one complaining about her film’s “hetero-normative” vision of life success (monogamy and not being an emotionally crippled woman who uses sex to avoid deep relationships and cover over trauma is apparently offensive to the liberal heroes willing to go over a cliff to pretend that all life choices and conduct are equally healthy and none can ever be judged as better) I can only imagine how a female coach story would explode. Every quote, every tweet, every reaction, etc. would be subject to thousands of outraged words. Sounds fun.
5) There will be a player’s wife who attacks the coach. Just google “Doug Christie’s wife” and you should see that if a player’s wife will attack a player, then watching a woman talk down the love of her life and/or meal ticket on TV expect hell to break loose.
6) There will be a shitty inspirational Disney sports movie.
7) What if Becky Hammon begins identifying as a man? Does it still count as hiring a female coach or will it not count at all or will it count as double?
Someone has to ask these important questions.
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
He has captured The Civil War, Baseball, Jazz and Prohibition with a unique and exhaustively entertaining skill set over the last 25 years. But after looking at all those unique American experiences, Ken Burns has finally turned his lens to another great American art form with his new documentary series COMEDY. Episode 1 was leaked on line today and it explores an unsung hero of American stand up comedy, Tommie Jones. If it is any hint of what is to come from this series in August, then we are in store for another Ken Burns masterpiece. Enjoy episode 1 below:
The usual suspects were nominated in drama, but good on AMC and the Emmys for getting Better Call Saul several significant nominations, including drama, actor and supporting actor.
In comedy, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt takes its rightful place among the nominees and Girls is nowhere to be found.
In best TV movie, I was beyond pleasantly surprised to see Hello Ladies: The Movie, get nominated, as it gave a beautiful and hilarious 90 minute finale to the most underrated and under-appreciated show of the previous nominating cycle.
Wil Forte for best actor in a comedy in The Last Man on Earth (see my blog praising Wil Forte HERE). The show was overlooked unjustly, but not its star
The Bad:
Netflix – shame on you. You almost certainly played politics (pun intended) and the Emmy voters fell for it. Both House of Cards and Orange is the New Black got best drama nominations after bad seasons. Meanwhile, Daredevil, which ranks up there with Guardians of the Galaxy and The Dark Knight as the most inventive and surprisingly excellent comic book adaptations of my life is completely ignored (and I am not a comic book nerd type who thinks everything that is remotely enjoyable from a comic book deserves to be in the Library of Congress). Netflix clearly sold out Daredevil and is content to use it like a hot slutty escort that turns heads at a club, while taking House of Cards and OITNB to classy wife functions with dignitaries.
Louie and Transparent – Granted I am biased because Louis CK killed a character that may have been more than loosely based on me, but neither of these shows has been particularly funny. I think some Emmy voters just recycle their ballots from year to year. I quit Louie a season ago, so I must admit ignorance, but it never struck me as very funny. And Transparent is absolutely not funny (here is a post I wrote about “the rise of unfunny comedies” that got some traffic). I cannot remember a show or movie winning such undeserved praise solely for the political and social climate but get ready for the least funny nominee by a wide margin to somehow walk away with best comedy, so Hollywood can pat itself on the back (I am left of center on most things, but with awards I am all about merit).
Key from Key & Peele for best supporting actor in a comedy? How can your name be the show and then you sneak in with a “supporting” actor nod? At least Peele didn’t get nominated (my east favorite of the two) – that should be awkward at the next writers’ meeting.
Based on nominees (and the seasons eligible) here is who I would pick:
Drama – Better Call Saul (Mad Men will win probably, for a subpar season)
Comedy – Kimmy Schmidt (Transparent will win, proving the best way to defeat a 5 time champ – Modern Family – is to have a comedy with no laughs – BOLD!)
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
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