What Could or Will Happen if the NBA Hires…
Becky Hammon who was an all star in the WNBA (for those who are not familiar with the WNBA, imagine a really solid male high school player), has recently coached the San Antonio Spurs Summer League team to a championship, which of course would be less meaningful than season two of True Detective if the coach were not a woman. But it is still a cool, or at least interesting moment in sports. After all, coaching men, rather than playing with men, does not require anything that a woman doesn’t possess. And the Spurs are the right organization to test this out – a team without major egos, with an ingrained culture of discipline and selflessness is a much better place to test this out than say, a team with JR Smith or Dwight Howard (asking your coach if she “wants the pipe” or having your 9th child out of wedlock with your coach would be bad PR to say the least). But while we are on a historic wave of eliminating any distinctions or differences that come with gender, there are some things we should definitely pause to reflect on before an NBA team hires a female head coach:
1) Tony Parker will try to have sex with Becky Hammon if she has a husband who can be cuckolded. Parker is a great player and slept with his teammate’s wife to prove it. Don’t think as his career nears its end and playing time dwindles that he won’t try and bang his way to more minutes.
2) Is the NBA prepared to have a Kardashian as a coach? If the Kardashian women have to pool all their earnings just to buy a team so they can install one of them as a coach (why ruin the lives of black men one at a time when you can do it twelve at a time) they will. Though I am pretty sure three Kardashians would find interesting ways to get high profile free agents to sign with the team.
3) Expect a lot of Dirk Diggler-esque “You’re not my mom; you’re not my fu*king mom!” arguments between players and coach. Fame, strained parental relationships, large penises – NBA players have plenty in common with Dirk Diggler of Boogie Nights and at some point there will be some rebelling against a mother-like figure in the locker room or on the court. Granted, this is preferable to a Latrell Spreewell coach choking incident, but it may be very uncomfortable nonetheless.
4) The Internet will break from think pieces. Seeing how many blogs and think pieces have been written about Amy Schumer in the last month (even one complaining about her film’s “hetero-normative” vision of life success (monogamy and not being an emotionally crippled woman who uses sex to avoid deep relationships and cover over trauma is apparently offensive to the liberal heroes willing to go over a cliff to pretend that all life choices and conduct are equally healthy and none can ever be judged as better) I can only imagine how a female coach story would explode. Every quote, every tweet, every reaction, etc. would be subject to thousands of outraged words. Sounds fun.
5) There will be a player’s wife who attacks the coach. Just google “Doug Christie’s wife” and you should see that if a player’s wife will attack a player, then watching a woman talk down the love of her life and/or meal ticket on TV expect hell to break loose.
6) There will be a shitty inspirational Disney sports movie.
7) What if Becky Hammon begins identifying as a man? Does it still count as hiring a female coach or will it not count at all or will it count as double?
Someone has to ask these important questions.
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