No, this blog is not about any pending transitions in my gender identity or the coming out culmination of my last few weeks’ podcast episodes where I have awkwardly commented on the startling good looks of Henry Cavill – oops doing it again. No today I am writing about watching an MMA pay-per-view event for the first time (#UFC190 for those of you archiving this). I was supposed to go to a bar that plays 80s music Saturday night, in keeping with a tradition with my best friend. Each birthday, or around, we go to a bar, often labeled the douchiest in NYC, to get drunk and listen to 80s music to the wee hours of the morning surrounded by horrible twenty somethings from Murray Hill and New Jersey that we judge like 36 year old Statler and Waldorfs. But on August 1st my friend broke with a time honored tradition and asked if I wanted to go to the apartment of a friend of his to watch the aforementioned MMA event. I said yes, even though I really wanted to sit and get drunk to Toto or Kim Carnes.
When the event began I finally understood every complaint and dumb question that a woman had ever asked me during a sporting event. An ex girlfriend of mine used to always say during football games that she alternatively “didn’t get” or “hated” when teams handed the ball off for an up the middle run, which more often than not leads to a 2 yard gain. Then begins the explanation of how it is making the defense respect the run and keep everyone on their toes to open up other big plays chances (not to mention the occasional big run up the middle). Well, in the case of MMA I felt like a dumb chick and that tiny boulder of bro masculinity/marijuana spiritual conversion Joe Rogan playing the alpha male boyfriend explaining all the things that looked like nonsense to actually be technical savvy. Here is the breakdown of the event from my perspective:
1st Match I Recall: Women Be Punching!
It was between two women. One woman beat the ever loving shit out of the other woman. And I felt like a racist who claims that he likes women’s hoops more than men’s hoops because there are more fundamentals (code for – I don’t like seeing black men kicking ass), except as the matches continued that night I realized that the women’s match featured a lot more punches than most of the men’s matches. So thanks to their inferior strength and soft faces, women’s MMA ends up being more exciting.
2nd Match I Recall: A Guy Who Looks Like Shane Battier with a Pituitary Issue Fighting Another Large Guy
This was a match up of Large Dad Bods. And featured a decent amount of dry humping and spooning, which my MMA announcer boyfriend Joe Rogan repeatedly insisted throughout matches that this was actually really great technique. I then realized that at 6’7″, 275 lbs I was bigger than both guys fighting and had basically the same 3 pack abs that they did. So if comedy doesn’t work out (wait, the verdict is already in) then I may just take the emotional beating of the comedy industry and get my mug busted for meager profits.
3rd Match I Recall: Skyscraper vs. a Guy They Insisted was an MMA Legend
Skyscraper was 6’11” and beat the old legend guy who looked like a grizzled owner of a bodega. All I kept thinking was, why doesn’t a guy with great coordination who is 6’11” play basketball. Then I realized, he was white and maybe he is a racist so rather then playing with men of color he gets paid to beat up men of color. It’s a theory.
4th and 5th Matches I Recall: Reality Show Competitions
I was disappointed that these were not the Finalists for America’s Got Marginal Talent fighting each other (how funny would it be to see a country singer and a ventriloquist have to fight MMA to win AGT). Instead they were finalists in two different weight classes from an MMA show. These matches actually had some solid fighting (what do I know – I just didn’t need Joe Rogan to explain forceful spooning as “great technique” since there were a ton of punches. And one guy kept trying a move called a “Guillotine” which I never quite figured out because he attempted it and could not hold it on 5 separate occasions.
6th Match I recall: Pretty Blonde Lady Wins as I Fall Asleep
There were seven total matches and it was way past my non-drinking, listening to 80s music bed time when Ronda Rousey came out to fight a Brazilian chick who had been talking a lot of trash about Rousey. While watching this (and like most women watching a major sporting event I was busy watching a main event with an opposite sex star) I realized that MMA is really just porn for unattractive women (Bad Dads yield porn stars or MMA fighters, depending on looks). That is what makes Rousey so compelling. She is talented and attractive (though her mug looked a tad South Parky in Furious 7 next to her anorexic Hollywood co-stars, but that is a small issue). Perhaps she tried porn first, but after the third male co-star complained of having their penis severed mid thrust she opted for the Octagon (quick side note – I love the movie Warrior, a very strong film about MMA fighting brothers starring Tom Hardy). Well as I was almost ready to tap out from fatigue, Rousey punched the Brazilian woman and won in 34 seconds.
No woman is going to beat Ronda Rousey. Like our women’s soccer team, she is aided by living in America. Women are mostly relegated to second class status or sex objects in most of the world. so she basically has to compete with either homely trailer park messes from America or the 8 Brazilian women not hot enough to be in the sex houses of one-named soccer stars. So congrats to Ronda Rousey. Between my ignorance of the sport, my man crush on Henry Cavill and feeling impotent watching your physical powers I now know what it is like to be a woman. #SorryNotSorry #LeanIn #YesAllWomen #CallMeCait #Hashtags