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Miami trip recap.  Enjoy.  Or don’t.  Happy New Year. 

SATURDAY

The trip started at JFK and it started with a great confrontation.  Two women in their twenties cut the entire line of people waiting to check bags.  Most people pulled the huff and puff technique of voicing their displeasure, but one guy with his wife and kids called them out very loudly.  Of course no one behind the counter did anything, but the two women gave the guy a “are you crazy, oh my God” look, which confirmed their skankiness on the inside, not just the outside.  Although I guess what else are they supposed to do?  They had been caught and called out so at that point the only choice is to commit to your mistake and/or bitchiness more fully.  Overhearing their conversation with the counter check-in person it appeared that they were going to miss their flight, so that was good.

I arrived in Miami, which I like to refer to as a museum of hot women.  It seems that if you have loot it does not matter how ugly or old you are you can and will be accompanied by a woman of substantial beauty, either natural or store bought. 

The check-in girl at the hotel may have been the dumbest or rudest human being I’ve ever met.  I am not sure yet.  I went to check in and she told me that she cannot check me in because the system has been down for a day.  I saw at least a dozen people sitting in the lobby and asked her was this why there were so many people waiting in the lobby and she replied yes.  So I waited by the desk and saw all the people in the lobby leave into cabs for the airport, meaning that the answer to my previous question was no.  Then the guy next to dumb/rude check-in girl starts checking in people who have walked by me.  So apparently the system was working.  After he checked in a few people he looked at me and said “she can help you if you ae looking to check-in” referring to rude dummy.  I walked over to her and it was as if we had never met.  She then told me that my room would not be ready until 4.  When she handed me my room key I asked, “So do I have to wait until 4?”  And she replied, “No you can go now – it’s ready.”  Does this conversation strike anyone else as fu-king bizarre?

That night I headed to the Miami Imrpov for a reasonable round trip cab fare of $74.  I watched some comedy and hustled my way into a guest spot on Sunday night.

 

SUNDAY

On my pre-beach trip to CVS I noticed a huge display of wife beaters.  Seemed out of place until I noticed all the guido and gay types roaming South Beach so it made sense.

Pretty mundane day – just got some Sun and read and ran on the beach.  Very Rocky III, but since I am half white and half black I did not need anyone chasing me or racing me on the beach.

That night I took another cab to the Improv and did a 10 minute guest spot.  it went very well.  However, when the headliner, Kevin Brennan, got on stage he described how his kids will be bi-racial and that people often think that bi-racial people are good looking, “except for that comic that was up here before.”  After the show Kevin’s wife said that her kids will have a look like me and I said, “well it appears that would upset your husband.”  However, my ego was nursed back to health when Kevin said, “I heard these girls in the back say ‘he’s fine (fine like fiiiiiiiiiine, not fine like satisfactory)’ when you got on stage, but what was I gonna do – sound like a homo and say ‘I hope my kids are good looking like that comic.’”  Phew!

 

MONDAY

I took my guest pass that I found in Subway to Crunch gymnasiums.  Ok – it is official, Crunch gyms are just gay nightclubs that take place in daytime.  Granted my sampling of Crunch gyms are in LA and South Beach, but still do any straight people work out at this gym chain.  Obviously if my next trip to a Crunch gymnasium is in San Francisco I cannot conclude anything, but I would like to see their literature for membership.

That night I bought myself an ice cream sundae and was sitting in the shoppe when a caucasian father and his 5 year old caucasiandaughter got into a very funny argument (if you consider kids acting like little sh-ts funny), which ended her defiantly screaming “I LOVE CHOCOLATE DADDY.” He then left her pouting in the store while he ate the sundae outside.   Fast forward to that girl coming home sophomore year of college: “I LOVE CHOCOLATE DADDY”  Same reaction from the father.

Walking home from the shoppe a homeless man standing behind me just began to take off his pants.  Thinking quickly as to why he was doing this near me I told him that I was only a guest at Crunch gym and he promptly pulled his pants up and left muttering “fu-king tease.”

 

TUESDAY

I observed young black men selling their own rap cds to frightened tourists on Lincoln Road, proving once again that wherever there are large concentrations of tourists there are black men who will use a combination of aggressiveness, charm and intimidation based on racial prejudice to get white people to buy their rap albums.

That night I went to the Miami Heat-Cleveland Cavaliers game featuring a match up of Dwayne Wade and LeBron James.  I was ten rows from courtside and noticed that LeBron James is officially a diva.  He is 24 years old, but is obviously condescending to officials and just does not have the overall class of Dwayne Wade, who is probably the game’s best ambassador.  But some of James’ dunks that close looked amazing.

 

Overall – great trip.

I have been vacationing in Miami this week (take the worst parts of LA – shallow, artificially enhanced people and New York – useless street performers, hordes of tourists, homelessness), but add an awesome beach and Latin women and voila – worth going to) and will be giving you a recap tomorrow sometime when I return (12th row seat to Heat-Cavs tonight will probably be the highlight).  But while I’ve been gone apparently someone let Democracy’s pit bull, Israel, off the leash.

I have just finished reading The Dark Side, by Jane Meyer, which basically details how America under Bush & Cheney has become an international superthug.  Sure, America has been a small time gangster that much of the world could tolerate, but under B & C America has basically turned into Tony Montana.  The book is highly recommended to this blog’s 14 readers – it is terrifying and shameful.

But it seems like America has become Democracy’s mob boss.  You can’t touch us because we are made guys.  We can slap this shit out of another country and they can’t touch us because for so long we have been the good guy in our own fairy tale narrative.  Read this book and tell me that.  But at the same time we are sort of the Jimmy Conway (DeNiro in Goodfellas) or Tony Soprano of criminal democracies.  We have faults, but at the same time it is still easy to root for us, perhaps because of our charisma or sheer entertainment value.  But reading the Miami Herald’s brief coverage of the “War” breaking out between Israel and Hamas I am reminded that Israel may be the Tommy Devito of Democracy.

Tommy DeVito, of course, is Joe Pesci’s character from Goodfellas.  The hot headed, aggressive mobster who is still protected because of his association with bigger mobsters. 

Reading the paper this morning among the things I noted was that Israel had killed approximately 350 people, including at least 60 civilians, while a “particularly sophisticated Hamas attack killed” … 3.  The headline quoted Israel’s government as saying, We are in “an all-out war.”  That appears to be true.  The same way the Harlem Globetrotters and Washington Generals were in a “basketball game.” 

Meanwhile, our response by President Bush could not be more Jimmy Conway.  In the New York Times he was quoted as saying he requests a cease fire by both parties, but said Israel was justified and “let’s take this one day at a time.”  In other words, “you insulted him a little bit.”

I do not pretend to understand many of the nuances of this conflict, but I have tried to read a decent amount on the subject.  I was pretty good at math though and when I see casualties of 350-4 I don’t see that as a war, regardless of the justifications.

Now of course, the United States is in no political or moral position to question anything anyone does in defense of their country.  After all torturing and sodomizing terror suspects is sort of a “lose your turn” in the board game of moral authority.

I will probably never understand the Israel issue.  I know that at least half of my Jewish friends think that my religion is nonsense because the Bible is hocus pocus, but then believe a slice of land based on Biblical history cannot be tampered with.  And with a new President coming to power it could be an opportunity to send a message to all democracies that we have a new direction and that democracies worldwide have to set a better example.  But one problem – a major question for Obama was his support for Israel, you know, because he’s a black guy with a Muslim name.  So the minute that uppity schvatza starts telling Israel not to go shoot every waiter who makes a joke, that uppity schvatza will be a one term president, losing Florida to Tim Pawlenty or Sarah Palin in 2012.

You said there was bad news?

I saw a posting in today’s New York Times that a hedge fund manager who lost over $1 billion in the Bernie Madoff fallout has killed himself.  The guy’s name was Rene-Thierry Magon de la Villehuchet, but we’ll call him Frog for short.  I am sure this is a tough time for his family, his estranged kids in rehab and his mistress (I am just assuming these things, but the odds are probably on my side).  A few other thoughts on the matter:

1. Anyone who could or would kill themselves over money should do it.    If the thought of being downgraded from billionaire to millionaire or dare I say it (gulp) thousandaire is enough for you to kill yourself then you should probably do it. 
2. If his family was putting a lot of pressure on him or nagging him or just being spoiled sh*ts it’s no excuse, but they could make it seem a little better if they joined Frog.
3. It’s refreshing to see that that old tale that seemed like a lie for so long came true – money does not buy you happiness.

But while Frog will be keeping a low profile, one guy who is not is Dick Cheney.  His defiance is so amazing.  I expect him to leave the White House when Obama moves in going “Say goo nigh to the bah guy” a la Pacino in Scarface.  I’ve started the book The Dark Side, which talks about Cheney’s icy cool demeanor and commitment to keeping America safe.  He is the ultimate villain.  he is the guy in the movie that just when you think the heroes are going to be safe Dick grabs the detonator and threatens to blow up his own ship to keep it safe from the impending enemy attack.  As cool as Obama is, Cheney is the supreme badass.  I think he would actually stab W. in the neck in front of the entire cabinet if W disagreed with him and then say “Anyone else disagree?”  I will miss Dick Cheney.  Hopefully he has not lost a lot of money in the Bernie Madoff scandal.

Can Jerry Sloan manage my career?

 

Last night I saw the Utah Jazz defeat the New Jersey Nets in New Jersey.  It was nice to see because for the past 5 years I have gone to two Jazz games a year  – one in Madison Square Garden against the Knicks and one in the now named Izod Center.  And they have lost every one of those games.

Last night did not start out promisingly, with the Jazz scoring 7 points in the first quarter to the Nets’ 27.  But the Jazz made an amazing comeback and won.  Some things I believe I have commented on before about Nets games (and NBA games in general):

• Can teams stop with the bells and whistles. There is music and sound effects playing during the entire game, including while the players are actually playing – does Devon Harris or Deron Williams really need beat it playing as he dribbles up the court?).  The lights flashing look as if they are trying to give everyone an epileptic seizure and during every timeout nothing short of a three ring circus commences with the strippers posing as dancers, the acrobatic kids, streamers and music blaring.  It is literally an assault on the senses.
• At least the Knick city dancers resemble dancers, the Nets dancers are clearly strippers.
• Another thing I found nice is that there were a lot of Turkish people at the game showing support for Utah’s center Mehmet Okur.   No wonder David Stern likes lots of international players.

But it was a good pick me up after I got dumped by manager, the second time I have been dumped by a Jewish person this year.  Fool me once…  I am just hoping I get through 2008 without my family disowning me.  Maybe I just need to do some one stop shopping so if anyone knows a good Catholic comedy manager who likes cuddling, movies being ridiculed on stage and will only take 10% in a divorce let me know.

Just in time for the Holidays I present to you, my 17 fans, a new, highly upgraded website and the release of my new CD/DVD “Diamond Maker.”  I believe this day will be compared to the fall of the Berlin Wall, a transformative, world changing moment, except it has take place in the world of comedy.  Twenty years from now, Thomas Friedman will cite to December 17, 2008 as a major milestone when comedy changed in his book The World Is Funny. 

In all seriousness I am very proud of the great work of Steve Axworthy helping to put together my new site and to Michael Codispoti, Jim Vern, Chris Pelletier, Brett Anderson and Danny Rouhier who helped make Diamond Maker a great product.  Buy it for you, someone you love or someone you hate.   It will be reviewed soon in Punchline Magazine so look for that as well.

I will be back soon with more cynicism and sarcasm, but today I am happy.  Sort of.

I got a plaque.

And a few things changed since you last saw me.There is something comforting and uncomfortable all at the same time about Reunions. Last night was the annual Bronx DA Christmas party where they honor former employees who have left in the last year.

I got called first, which went as such:

“Gene Loui-” speaker rolls eyes, “Jean-Louis Cauvin, Three Years.”

I found it nice that the proper pronunciation is greeted with a certain amount of red state chagrin. The eye roll clearly indicating, “oh right, this snooty motherfu-ker with his French name.” Perhaps this will answer questions on why I choose to go by J-L a lot of the time. And yes that makes me a hypocrite when I complain about Indian guys who go by names like “Bobby” or “David” when their names don’t even share any of the same letters as their chosen nicknames.

Awkward moments 2 and 3 came when I was congratulated on my wedding. Those are those moments where you feel uncomfortable and can only find solace in the fact that the person who just congratulated you is about to feel even more awkward than you. Sort of like when Tom Cruise tells Jack Nicholson that his father has been dead for seven years when they first meet in A Few Good men. Jack’s response: Don’t I feel like the fu-king as-hole.

Awkward moment four when the DA spoke of Obama’s election and you could feel the blue collar detectives literally clinging to their guns.

All in all it was similar to many reunions – awkward, uncomfortable and a little touching (emotionally). Continuing that theme I will be seeing Doubt tonight.

‘Tis the season to be jolly, except if you are at the movies.

Last night I did a set of all new material and it went very well. Just when I was feeling good about myself in walks in some nobody named Jerry Seinfeld to do 25 minutes of new material. Like Michael Jordan on a hoops court or Obama at a speech, Seinfeld shares something with the greats in their respective fields: you cannot get near the dude. I did not think comics could be mobbed like Michael Jackson, but apparently that would be the case with Seinfeld based on the tightly choreographed entry and exit of the comedian from Comedian. A nice experience and a reminder that I have a better chance of winning the lottery than attaining his status.

But Seinfeld coming in and erasing the memory of my set was actually quite symbolic in this Holiday season. Because Hollywood has decided to use another Jewish landmark to overshadow another important event to a Catholic. I am of course referring to this year’s 4 Holocaust movies released right on top of Christmas.

The Holocaust, like many horrible events have provided fertile award soil for Hollywood. Schindler’s List (great), Life is Beautiful (good) and The Pianist (overrated) are just a few of the films that have done very well at the Oscars, so there is the very plausible argument that these movies, which usually have an eye on Oscar are being released at the time most likely to garner award attention. But this year, come on – a Hitler assassination attempt movie starring Tom Cruise? A running from/fighting from Nazis movie starring James Bond? Both Valkyrie and Defiance could have been released in the Summer. The Reader starring Kate Winslet and The Boy With the Striped Pajamas both reek of Oscar-ish sentiment so they can stay. No other group does this. Arguably The Passion of the Christ was released near Passover, but that was to capitalize on Easter. Now if Mel had released it on Rosh Hashanah – that would be a different story. “Happy New Year – NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!!” With Danny Glover standing by him saying, “I’m getting too old for this sh*t.”

But the guilt factor is no where else, Amistad was not released on the 4th of July, Soul Plane was not released during black history month, Last of the Mohicans was not released on Columbus Day and the Killing Fields was not released on any important happy day for Cambodians. I think.

But this Christmas, as if the guilt factor were not ratcheted up enough, the new priest abuse movie is out. Doubt, starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman (wouldn’t he be an even creepier abusive priest if he spoke like Truman Capote) and Meryl Streep. Fantastic. Well, thanks for a great Christmas time Hollywood.

I think this is all revenge for the Christmas Carol thing that comedian Gary Gulman pointed out in his routine. Christmas begat 8 days of Chanukah, which was brazenly trumped by the 12 days of Christmas. Now 12 Days of Christmas has been trumped by 30 days of Holocaust Movies. Word on the street is that Opus Dei is funding a month long films series to air on Fox News to coincide with Purim called: Hope You Are Having a Nice Purim While Watching 31 Straight Days of Jesus’ Crucifixion. Sort of like a yule log.

Life imitating my art.

My humor, both in writing and on stage has become sort of Carlin-esque, at least in its old age bitterness. As I said on stage Saturday at Gotham, technology has made everything faster, including the rate at which I become an angry old man.

From inane Facebook updates to young, unemployed people with blackberries and multiple cell phones I think the era of American dominance is fading by way of cultural, intellectual and spiritual suicide. And considering that Heath Ledger will not be in Batman 3, literal suicide as well (at least I think it was suicide).

One of my recent harangues was my disappointment that Obama needed gimmicks to defeat a candidate that he should have been able to beat solely on issues and the direction the country has gone under Republican leadership. But it was t-shirts and text messages and e-mails that helped secure the youth vote.

But now in Georgia, the run off election for the Senate seat between Jim Martin and Saxby Chambliss has produced some major figures on both sides. Sarah Palin is out campaigning for Chambliss, while the political heavyweights Ludacris, T.I. and Young Jeezy are campaigning for Jim Martin.

I made a joke on my CD about Republicans comparing the experience of Palin to Obama and I said that Dennis Rodman was more the black man equivalent to Sarah Plain, rather than Obama. But now, in an effort to mobilize the vote, we get to see Ludacris, TI and Young Jeezy at the podium. The man who proclaimed to have hos in different area codes (a fantastic rap song, but terrible campaign slogan) is now influencing, or attempting to influence the outcome of a seat in the United States Senate. Does anyone see where this is headed? The sad thing is that a man like Al Gore would not probably motivate the voters of Georgia the way the Three Hosketeers can. I have nothing against rap or acting or any form of entertainment, and I don’t even mind them performing to rally a crowd or adding some star power to an event. But when one party is calling on their VP nominee to speak (no matter how dim a bulb) and the other party has abandoned more substantive figures for mere celebrity figures to rally the masses, then we are just trading pandering to fear for pandering to fiction.

I guess it could have been worse. His last name could’ve been Fudge.

Last night I saw the movie Milk. Brilliant strategy by the studio – open up a movie on a family holiday that will be a big success with those most likely to be estranged from their families (to quote Bill Maher – I kid the gays). The movie is about Harvey Milk, the openly gay man who was elected San Francisco city supervisor and was then assassinated by a political rival.

The movie itself was a solid biopic, but I found the theater- going experience even more humorous. First, the movie was only available in three theaters (Chelsea, Village and West 60s). Not a coincidence I assume, but that would be like if Malcolm X only opened at 125th Street, Brooklyn and the South Bronx.

So the theater was about 85% gay men and the few other straight men were clutching to their significant others as if they were protective amulets.

Maybe all the men were not gay, but based on the tight clothing, 5 o’clock shadow, lisps and piercings maybe it was just like a theme opening, but instead of dressing like Star Wars characters or Harry Potter, everyone just dressed up as gay men.

I must also admit that James Franco makes quite the handsome gay man – he was the only one able to pull of the mustache, without evoking thoughts of Freddy Mercury.

Which reminds me – why is it that gay men seem to adopt the tough guy, masculine look of ten years prior.

The mustache was the hallmark of tough guys and firefighters – from Burt Reynolds we got Freddy Mercury.

The Mohawk used to be a scary punk looking thing. Now I assume you are gay if you have one.

The wife beater – the time honored top for ginzos and guidos. Now in the summer it might as well be called a domestic partner slapper.

So I assume in the next 5 years, gay men will be sporting baggy jeans and Fubu jackets.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Chinese Democracy and Diamond Maker: the 2 most anticipated records of the year. To me.

So now that it is Winter I am into my yearly tradition of living at movie theaters. This week I saw Quantum of Solace, (so-so), JCVD (humorous and not bad), and Slumdog Millionaire (very good).

My favorite moments were during Slumdog Millionaire, but not because of the film. It was the guy who decided to sit right next to me in an empty row of seats. I responded with lots of passive aggressive huffs and puffs because like 99% of the population I am too big a pu-sy to say, “ARE YOU FU-KING KIDDING ME? Stop sitting next to me you socially awkward fu-k!” Second thing was the couple behind me was arguing. Here is how that went:

Annoying Woman: I can’t believe you said that. You said I was girl next door hot, but not unattainable hot.

Dumb Guy: So, that’s nice.

AW: No, you really know hoto make me feel good. You never say anything nice to me. That’s great.

DG: Well I just took you out for a nice dinner.

AW: Seriously, that is nothing. That is to be expected.

She then offered 2 hours on non stop NY liberal condescension for all the poor Indian children on screen with a barrage of very vocal “awwwws” and “they’re such survivors”. Had she not been with her boyfriend I would have told her to shut the fu-k up, but I did not want her boyfriend to feel obligated to step in for her because getting beat up for a shit-y woman would be really sad.

Next up is the movie Bolt – the animated movie about a dog who thinks he is a superhero. If any adults wonder why there is a 29 year old 6’7″ dude watching it I will just mumble – I thought this was about the Jamaican sprinter – weird!

And I just got my copy of Chinese Democracy – the album 17 years in the making by Axl Rose and a bunch of people posing as Guns N Roses. I have informed Axl Rose that on December 17th the album 29 years in the making, Diamond Maker is coming out. He told me to fu-k off and that his next album would come out in 2038 to trump mine.