Miami Heat

Miami trip recap.  Enjoy.  Or don’t.  Happy New Year. 


The trip started at JFK and it started with a great confrontation.  Two women in their twenties cut the entire line of people waiting to check bags.  Most people pulled the huff and puff technique of voicing their displeasure, but one guy with his wife and kids called them out very loudly.  Of course no one behind the counter did anything, but the two women gave the guy a “are you crazy, oh my God” look, which confirmed their skankiness on the inside, not just the outside.  Although I guess what else are they supposed to do?  They had been caught and called out so at that point the only choice is to commit to your mistake and/or bitchiness more fully.  Overhearing their conversation with the counter check-in person it appeared that they were going to miss their flight, so that was good.

I arrived in Miami, which I like to refer to as a museum of hot women.  It seems that if you have loot it does not matter how ugly or old you are you can and will be accompanied by a woman of substantial beauty, either natural or store bought. 

The check-in girl at the hotel may have been the dumbest or rudest human being I’ve ever met.  I am not sure yet.  I went to check in and she told me that she cannot check me in because the system has been down for a day.  I saw at least a dozen people sitting in the lobby and asked her was this why there were so many people waiting in the lobby and she replied yes.  So I waited by the desk and saw all the people in the lobby leave into cabs for the airport, meaning that the answer to my previous question was no.  Then the guy next to dumb/rude check-in girl starts checking in people who have walked by me.  So apparently the system was working.  After he checked in a few people he looked at me and said “she can help you if you ae looking to check-in” referring to rude dummy.  I walked over to her and it was as if we had never met.  She then told me that my room would not be ready until 4.  When she handed me my room key I asked, “So do I have to wait until 4?”  And she replied, “No you can go now – it’s ready.”  Does this conversation strike anyone else as fu-king bizarre?

That night I headed to the Miami Imrpov for a reasonable round trip cab fare of $74.  I watched some comedy and hustled my way into a guest spot on Sunday night.



On my pre-beach trip to CVS I noticed a huge display of wife beaters.  Seemed out of place until I noticed all the guido and gay types roaming South Beach so it made sense.

Pretty mundane day – just got some Sun and read and ran on the beach.  Very Rocky III, but since I am half white and half black I did not need anyone chasing me or racing me on the beach.

That night I took another cab to the Improv and did a 10 minute guest spot.  it went very well.  However, when the headliner, Kevin Brennan, got on stage he described how his kids will be bi-racial and that people often think that bi-racial people are good looking, “except for that comic that was up here before.”  After the show Kevin’s wife said that her kids will have a look like me and I said, “well it appears that would upset your husband.”  However, my ego was nursed back to health when Kevin said, “I heard these girls in the back say ‘he’s fine (fine like fiiiiiiiiiine, not fine like satisfactory)’ when you got on stage, but what was I gonna do – sound like a homo and say ‘I hope my kids are good looking like that comic.'”  Phew!



I took my guest pass that I found in Subway to Crunch gymnasiums.  Ok – it is official, Crunch gyms are just gay nightclubs that take place in daytime.  Granted my sampling of Crunch gyms are in LA and South Beach, but still do any straight people work out at this gym chain.  Obviously if my next trip to a Crunch gymnasium is in San Francisco I cannot conclude anything, but I would like to see their literature for membership.

That night I bought myself an ice cream sundae and was sitting in the shoppe when a caucasian father and his 5 year old caucasiandaughter got into a very funny argument (if you consider kids acting like little sh-ts funny), which ended her defiantly screaming “I LOVE CHOCOLATE DADDY.” He then left her pouting in the store while he ate the sundae outside.   Fast forward to that girl coming home sophomore year of college: “I LOVE CHOCOLATE DADDY”  Same reaction from the father.

Walking home from the shoppe a homeless man standing behind me just began to take off his pants.  Thinking quickly as to why he was doing this near me I told him that I was only a guest at Crunch gym and he promptly pulled his pants up and left muttering “fu-king tease.”



I observed young black men selling their own rap cds to frightened tourists on Lincoln Road, proving once again that wherever there are large concentrations of tourists there are black men who will use a combination of aggressiveness, charm and intimidation based on racial prejudice to get white people to buy their rap albums.

That night I went to the Miami Heat-Cleveland Cavaliers game featuring a match up of Dwayne Wade and LeBron James.  I was ten rows from courtside and noticed that LeBron James is officially a diva.  He is 24 years old, but is obviously condescending to officials and just does not have the overall class of Dwayne Wade, who is probably the game’s best ambassador.  But some of James’ dunks that close looked amazing.


Overall – great trip.