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The preview “drops” today

I have not much else to say except when you see the preview for my October 18th show you will laugh or hate me for ruining The Departed. Or just hate me.

So by the time you have settled down to watch Sarah Palin exceed expectations by not eating her own feces on stage you will have an alterante form of entertainment.

Keep checking facebook, myspace and my website – it will be up on at least one of those tonight.

As well as the dual title of New York’s most litigious comic

Last night I was named NY’s funniest lawyer by Broadway Comedy Club. The contest was open to all legal professionals and law students so I am sure the panel of 4 judges and 40 audience members breathed a big sigh of relief that an actual lawyer won the contest so they would not have to go with the longer or more cumbersome, “NY’s funniest legal professional.”

Before the show I had an uncomfortable exchange with a cougar, technically a cougar that was a recovering addict (according to her routine). In other words in the animal kingdom she would like Scar from The Lion King, but a cougar. Here was the exchange:

Cougar: Are you on this show?

Me: Maybe

Cougar: Why do you not have enough people (it was a bringer)?

Me: No, I have enough people.

Cougar: Then what’s the maybe?

Me: Sarcasm – (feeling awkward) Are you on the show

Cougar: I’m headlining.

Me: Nice.

Cougar: that’s what I thought when I saw you – nice (awkward undressing of 6’7″ lawyer-comic with cougar eyes).

And then I ran away because as the old saying goes, confidence is sexy… on sexy people.

I won the contest with a combo of Obama jokes, white collar diversity and my experience at the DA’s office. It was a good set, though when second place (who did have some good jokes) subsequently did a 2 minute bit on naming hurricanes (the “men and women are different” hack joke of 2007-2008) and blew the light by 2 1/2 minutes, it made it a lot easier.

So what did I win you ask? A prize bag with two dvds – George Carlin’s greatest hits and… Platoon (a comedy classic), a Macy’s gift certificate for an unknown amount, a bottle of champagne, a doll of Chef, the South Park character and ten free tickets to Broadway Comedy Club. To show you that this contest was not necessarily for aspiring or serious comedians, second place got a paid spot on a show. So once again, despite some success I still fail to get paid work by a NY comedy club.

Ok, maybe we should think of seceding.

I read some disturbing headlines today. The U.S. economy is struggling, but bankers and their related industries of cocaine trafficking and escort services (although in New York City I believe it’s called dating) seem to have bounced back a little bit with government assistance (note – assistance to greedy white people = bail out, assistance to poor minorities = lazy good for nothings who want society to help them out).

Then I saw that a bomb went off in Pakistan killing at least 40 people, one of the worst acts of terrorism in the country’s history. But like the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of middle east terror-ridden countries I think this is the year that Pakistan makes leaps over several other countries. Another reason I want Obama to be president: I want someone who will protect the country and have moral authority that the world has to respect. I feel like McCain and Palin telling the country and the world anything involving terrorism would be like hearing OJ Simpson say he found the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. And note to McCain, Washington does not have an “r” so please stop calling it Warshington.

But then as I sit looking at the news articles I see that NASCAR has instituted a drug policy so that pit crews and drivers are not taking performance enhancing substances. What the fu-k is a performance enhancing drug in car racing?

“Instead of using gasoline Marty McFly’s team, led by pit chief Doc Brown, was seen pouring refuse into the gas tank of the car. He appeared to only be going 88 mph, but then suddenly appeared at the finish line.”

And banning these substances for drivers and pit crews? Are they afraid some guy will be so jacked he’ll put his pedal through the floor of the car and look like Fred Flintstone in a flame retardant suit? And God forbid the pit crews are on performance enhancing substances. These guys are changing tires and squeegeeing the windows, right? When was the last time you saw a gas station with a health club membership program so their pump attendees could keep up with the rigorous physical demands of the job?

But NASCAR dudes and hockey moms and are going to help decide who leads our country and possibly run it. Terrorists may hate us for our freedoms, but that may only be because they are not familiar with NASCAR and hockey moms yet.

I didn’t even want to be in the finals so there.

If I learned one thing from my masochistic one day round trips to Boston it’s that I perform comedy better when I eat terrible food and lots of it. Maybe that’s why there are lots of fat and out of shape comics – there’s something magical in trans fat. So on the ride up to Boston I managed to sit next to the woman on a sold out train who thought that I was rude to ask to sit next to her – as if the seat next to her was exempt from the “this train is sold out” announcement the conductor made. She was a woman in her 50s who apparently was thrilled at these cell phone things that have been invented because she just kept calling people saying, “Hey it’s me, I’m on the choo-choo, call me.” By the time she called her fourth person I said to her, “Can you not just sit in silence or do something other than shuffling through all the people that apparently don’t want to talk to you? You don’t look like some 20 or 30-something vapid human who needs to be on their phone or texting to feel some sort of connection to the world you are old – you should have some substance and be able to not have to constantly reach out for meaningless, meandering conversation.” Oh wait, that’s just what I thought. All this time I was eating healthy snacks. What a f-ing mistake. When I got to Boston I went to Houston’s and had a salad. I then caught sight of myself in a mirror and being in Boston I immediately, instinctively yelled “Fag!” at myself. I then made my way to the Festival. It was cool to see guys in the semis that I know from different parts of the country, like Manhattan and Brooklyn, because I started to feel like a real comedian. Then I went on stage and gave the worst kind of performance I think there is: a B+. If this was law school and I got a B+ I would bring the exam to the teacher and say, “there must be a mistake – I am terrible at this law stuff so this cannot be my grade.” When a joke bombs I enjoy it because it generates feelings and emotions and tells you now you have something to work on. And when you kill it feels like the best drug on Earth – which for me is the smell of exhaust. But a B+ is comedy’s way of saying, sure you’re funny, just like the rest of us.

So the two guys that moved on from my preliminary were very funny and did have the best sets – Joe List and Myq Kaplan. My best material/rudest/awkward moment came when I was outside speaking to some of my former teammates and was approached by a woman who books rooms in Massachusetts and Vermont. Normally those are moments, like job interviews, where you want to make a good impression. The wrong thing to do is to stay in comedic persona and make jokes with sexual innuendo. Even if they are funny.

But I was hoping to be in the finals – it’s the second major thing I’ve had cancelled on me for this Saturday. At least I can count on having legal work on Saturday – they never cancel that. Now it’s time to start eating junk food again. I cannot afford to be un-funny next week.

Looking to hire a nutritionist to travel to gigs with me.

Well, yesterday I advanced to the second round of the Boston Comedy Festival with 45 seconds of height material, 3 minutes and 30 seconds of Obama material and 45 seconds on how may parents met – in other words two of my “greatest hits” and my current chart topper, and by chart topper I mean my most recent bit that does not suck.

The real story of the day was that it was the most unhealthy 24 hours of eating of my life. Probably the reason I would not be successful as a road comic is that I would balloon to 300+ pounds and have a heart attack in my 40s. Here is my diet (sort of like Michael Phelps, but instead of swimming 800 miles to burn it off I sat typing on a laptop.

breakfast – low carb protein shake following a run/lift (pretty good start)

lunch – water, turkey sandwich (also pretty good)

afternoon snack – peanut M&Ms, water (not too bad, what am I talking about)

dinner – burger and fries from the Hard Rock Cafe – one of the three greasiest burgers I’ve ever had

killing time before the show snack – two chocolate sticks from Dunkin’ Donuts (these particular donuts are not found in NY and are delicious – they are chocolate crullers that are glazed – they also make anyone who orders them sound like they are speaking dialogue from an interracial porn or in my case 3/4 single race, gay porn).

After show, waiting for the train meal – McDonald #10 meal – in Boston that is 10 piece chicken nuggets, fries and drink (heart starting to hurt)

On train meal – two Entenmenn’s Danishes and a pack of Peanut M&Ms (artery fully clogged).

Get home at 210 am meal – stare at the mirror in my bathroom in absolute disgust. Pass out during Mad Men on my DVR and wake up with Type II diabetes.

Someone forwarded me an article about a woman who is selling her virginity at the Bunny Ranch in Reno, Nevada to the highest bidder. That is sort of a dicey proposition if you take pride in cherry popping because based on this girl’s self worth there is a 50/50 chance her father has already actually secured the prize at a bargain price of free. The girl, who was apparently featured very briefly on CNN, believes that this is something very empowering. Move over Hillary fans – you have a new hero. Why do

I have seen an ad for a new movie called Lakeview Terrace, and by new movie I mean an un-credited remake of Unlawful Entry. I used the to think it actually took a generational change to make the previous generation feel obsolete. Now it happens every decade. It happens when I hear Guns N Roses on classic rock stations and when I see movies like Lakeview Terrace being made. Are they not aware that anyone 24 or older could have seen the original and will not be duped into seeing a shi-ty remake of a shi-ty original? The answer is that they are aware but don’t care. My family would gripe when they would see a movie and say oh that’s just like ____film from 30 years ago. Now I am expecting to see a movie next week and say I can’t believe they remade Norbit already!

The Yankees are really bad and if they played a sport other than baseball I would probably care a lot more.

I am going to and from Boston for a 5 minute spot on Sunday. That will give me 8 hours of travel for a 5 minute spot – a ratio of what-the-fu-k-am-I-doing-this-for, which is still shy of the 14 hours of travel I did to Los Angeles (round trip in 24 hours) for a 7 minute spot at the Laugh Factory, which was the ratio of please-kill-me.

There is a crazy man in skinny jeans who shouts obscenities and stands with a cane a block from my office. He was in McDonald’s when I went in there. He was standing eating some food and a woman asked him how he was doing today, which meant have you taken your medication today because she seemed to know him. He said ok and they had a pleasant 30 second conversation. It impressed upon me how sometimes lonely or crazy people are still in need of some kindness and can appreciate it. Then I kicked him in the leg and stole his meds because I need some entertainment at lunch tomorrow.

My first career Kanye moment. Sort of.

So after the Olympics and the conventions ended there was a momentary void before the kick off of the football season and the fall television lineups. With a stroke of marketing genius/luck I was on NESN (Direct TV channel 434 I believe) last night at 1130. So anyone who felt that there was no more major programming of national importance obviously did not search the deep recesses of Direct TV’s lineup.

Last night I was out on a date and I realized that I had the most Kanye/Puff Daddy/Other brash, arrogant black celebrity moment of my life. I actually took my date to a bar to watch me perform comedy. I had hoped it could be much smoother. Here is what I wanted to happen:

Following a secretly placed call to a crowded and popular bar, Channel 434 is on with full volume as I walk in. I act surprised and go, oh yeah I’m on television tonight, oh well, no big deal. People stop and gawk at the celebrity in their midst. I am carried away on the shoulders of newly acquired, adoring fans.

What really happened: “Hey bartender can you please put on Direct TV channel 434. I am going to be on it, seriously. Come on there’s no one here. YES – great.” Then I watch the set with a moderately amused date and a moderately amused bartender. Then I see that my favorite joke did not make the cut to the segment on TV. I leave having paid for two drinks each and leaving a $20 tip for the bartender being nice and playing the show with volume. In other words, even when I am the show I am paying a $20 cover and 2 drink minimum. Maybe when I get my own sitcom I can still be forced to bring 10 friends to get on the studio lot.

Next big thing – Funniest Lawyer Contest at the end of the month and next month the CD/DVD that will revolutionize stand up comedy in my family will be recorded.

It’s not his fault, but John McCain is visually jarring.

I am not sure if it s the incredibly creepy smile. I know his arm movement is a little freaky looking, but there is something unnerving to me about John McCain.

The last day of the Republican Convention turned out to be the most boring. I kept wondering why the delegates kept chanting USA like they were at an Olympic sporting event, but it turned out to be their way of drowning out the sound of protest.

I did enjoy when McCain gave shout out to his mother and she stood up really quickly, either because she was eager to be praised or to prove how spry she was, sort of like Jack Palance doing pushups at the Oscars after he won for City Slickers.

The official count on “My Friends” was 9 (I am counting one “Dear Friends” as having the spirit of “My Friends”). I was off by about 500 in my prediction for how many times he would say it. What a maverick! (or as one sign said Mavrick – if on national television, try to spell correctly).

And then something happened that has not happened during either convention – I started to fall asleep. McCain’s speech was so f-ing boring. They say Obama was short on policy, but other than vowing to veto pork barrel spending and to wage a vague fight on everything, I am not sure what McCain presented. His job was to reach out to moderates I guess, but it did not seem to mesh with the rest of the convention.

My summary of the Republican Convention is simple: Despite being in power for 8 years and controlling the Supreme Court they have been victimized by the liberals who control Washington and it is time for them to take back power. So the choice is now clear: Untested Oratory vs. Delusional Martyrdom – so get out there and vote!

Paranoia Strikes Deep

Before I get to the star of the show Sarah Palin (Governor Palin if you’re nasty), let’s look at the other players in last night’s convention.

Mitt Romney – millionaire businessman really knows how to get the conservative redneck crowd into a frenzy with references like “Adam Smith on steroids” (what the fu-k is he talking about?). Then he went on to hammer the “liberal” Supreme Court – uhhhhhh – this is the most conservative court in the last 70 years – I think they upheld stoning adulterers this past term. He also harped on the fact that if Obama is elected then Big Brother of the Democrats will be trying to tell Alabamans when they can or cannot have sex with their sisters and worse yet, Big Brother will be watching. Good thing when the Republicans were in power there wasn’t anything like widespread illegal wiretapping of people’s phones going on. Grade for Mitt Romney, D- (objectively he sucked and even if you are a hardcore Republican he sort of sucked).

Mike Huckabee was his usual humorous self and gave a solid speech, but continued this theme of Obama and the Democrats want to control people’s lives. Is it ironic that the most ardent pro lifers, who want to tell a woman what to do with her own body (which is really only acceptable if you are a porn director), are the ones who think that the Democrats raising taxes on businesses is akin to sodomizing the grandmothers of Americans. I give a B to Huckabee.

Rudy Giuliani – Quite simply, his speech should have been titled, “I think Barack Obama is a fag and the UN is pretty fruity too.” During his speech the delegates got a rousing “drill baby drill” chant, which to me was the environmental equivalent of the rape scene in The Accused. Overall Giuliani, who was a United States Attorney and cannot be stupid, struck me as incredibly stupid. Like trying to argue with him would be frustrating because he seems like the type of guy who can only understand his own point of view. And at some point he said something regarding Sarah Palin’s accomplishments as a woman, raising the dial of irony in the convention to a Spinal Tap 11. Because nothing says women’s empowerment than the guy who divorced his wife via press conference. But the convention seemed to like his absurd routine so he gets a B+.

Then it was time for the star of the show – Sarah Palin. She was powerful, she stirred my soul and she was enjoyable to watch. And her speech was pretty strong too. She proved that McCain has his attack dog, even if she is a cute purse dog. I thought her attacks were more to the point and less likely to induce hate crimes like Giuliani’s. And then her family joined her on stage. I must say a very pretty family. And then McCain joined them on stage and I loved the ridiculously quick handshake he gave to Juno’s boyfriend. It really said, “You redneck hockey douche bag you almost fu-ked this up for me.”

Although I still like Fred Thompson’s speech best, Palin gets an A- (not an A because I cannot get over her “don’t cha knoooow” accent) and is Day 3’s MVP.

Tonight I think there will be a reenactment of the Hanoi Hilton on stage, just so people remember that John McCain was a POW.

The biggest pep rally/bake sale for a midwestern football team I have ever seen.

I ran home tonight to catch the juicy moments of the Republican Convention. I had many options on television – the Season premiere of the final season of The Shield, a show whose greatest moments include cops murdering other cops and the police captain being forcibly, orally sodomized. I could have also watched New York Goes to Hollywood or Mad Men Season 2 on DVR. But instead I turned on my television just in time to hear Wolf Blitzer praising CNN for the 1,004th time and to see Rachael Lampa singing. Rachael Lampa is a Christian singer-songwriter, which means she is pretentious (I hate the singer-songwriter label) and her music sucks. She was named singer of the year by Christ Community Music Magazine, which for eleven American families is Rolling Stone. Predictably, she sang her “hit,” “Blessed.” I also enjoyed how when she was done singing, the loudspeaker inexplicably started playing the beginning of Thunderstruck by AC/DC, another well known Christian artist.

So there was a lull during the coverage where the CNN cameras panned looking for an ethnic. None were found, but obesity and Caucasians were abundant.

Then there was a brief video tribute to George H.W. Bush, who had a look on his face that said, “I’m a smart, accomplished man and my fu-king Fredo-son got two terms and ruined my name.”

I then watched Laura Bush introduce George W. Bush. As they panned back to Cindy McCain I could not help thinking (this may be because I have watched so many episodes of Mad Men) that she had had sex with George W. Bush. She just had that look, that knowing evil smirk. Hmmmmm. The Reps then played a video that demonstrated that if Barack Obama is Jesus Christ, then Ronald Reagan is God Almighty.

Then something awesome happened. Fred Dalton Thompson took the stage. Either well tanned from a vacation or freshly embalmed, Fred Thompson gave a great, energizing speech. As only a professional actor could he whooped the crowd into a frenzy, even when he mentioned John McCain’s former stripper girlfriend, Maria the Flame of Florida. Remind me not to let Fred Thompson give a toast at my wedding. But he made an excellent speech, with the exception of his incessant throat clearing. Disagree with his politics, but he was as good as anyone not named Bill or Barack.

Then came the snooze fest known as Joe “Joementum” Lieberman, sporting his Boca tan. I look at the guy and can’t help that he should have been named Howdy Jewdy, sitting on John McCain’s lap moaning Hadassah out of his puppet mouth. Lieberman is about as charismatic as the growth of grass, which is saying something when being a political Benedict Arnold should be more exciting.

So Joe gave a good speech, not very rousing, but I enjoyed it when he praised Bill Clinton sort of. There were some applause, but based on the hostility on some people’s faces in the convention you’d think he had just said that black and white kids should go to school together.

All in all I was not disappointed. Day 1 1/2’s MVP – Fred Thompson by far.