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I will start eating right on February 2nd.

I woke up Super Bowl Sunday with my first 2 day hangover (lingering from a Friday night that started at Brother Jimmy’s at 8 pm (after doing a show for 4 people at Gotham Comedy Club – not a misprint), with a Frank the Tank like, “Alright I’ll have one beer.”  After watching Federer-Nadal on DVR I had a great idea to go to IHOP on 135th and Adam Clayton Blvd.   Of course IHOP is stereotypically popular among black people (I do feel like I am getting back to half of my roots when I go to IHOP, but I did not get there until 2 so I figured it would be empty.  However, black people are stereotypically late so when those two stereotypes meet it means a 30 minute wait for pancakes.

Before getting my seat I saw that it was all-you-can-eat pancakes at IHOP.  In my heyday I could put away 10 pancakes, a milkshake and an order of sausage.  This time I could only put away one order of 5 with a shake and sausage (a paltry 1800 calories).  Shockingly I saw that a woman named Kiki holds the current record at that location with 32 pancakes.  I asked about this pancake devouring behemoth at the IHOP and was told she was a skinny little woman.  I then asked if she made a lot of trips to the bathroom during to wretch and was told that she did not.  Kiki – I am nominating for an Anderson Cooper Hero Award in 2009.

After IHOP I went to Crumbs to pickup a cupcake – my guess is that a Crumbs cupcake (cookie dough flavored) is about 600 calories.  I then waddled home to prepare for a Super Bowl party.

My friends who throw a great Super Bowl Party threw one last year and I had forgot the quality and effort they put in.  There were numerous dips and hors d’oeuvres of which I ate all (including a measly 10 pigs in blankets, well off my 2007 record haul of 40).  Then came pizza, pasta and garlic knots, even though Springsteen yelled at me to put down my guacamole and chicken fingers.  Then came cupcakes, cookies and apple crisp.  Then came a huge headache and belly ache.  It sucks when you can only half enjoy your team’s 6th Super Bowl victory because you are falling into a diabetic coma.  I entered Super Bowl Sunday Vin Diesel and left Paul Blart.  I truly felt like the 12 Amstel Lights I brought were inadequate for the banquet I was pillaging. 

As of this writing I am still full.

Twas the night before my last day and all through the Chrysler Building…

On the eve of my last day it started out well.  My corporate hoops team worked hard and earned a forfeit (the other team could not play with only two players, despite their coach’s claim a la Norman Dale that “his team was on the floor”).  After the non-game I went and re-discovered my Al Pacino impression at a show afterwards (think Carlito’s Way – very good).  Lastly, before going home I decided to pick up my diplomas from my office on the way home.  My options for bringing my diplomas home, or $240,000 in parchment form, were either to bring them home today around lunch time in midtown Manhattan allowing several thousand New Yorkers to observe a true walk of shame (walking home with your former career in your hands looks a lot worse than walking home wearing last night’s clothes and an early morning hangover), or to go into my office at 11:15 pm last night and retrieve them.

So I opted for the evening retrieval.  I marched into my office and scooped up my diplomas.  As I was leaving the building I was stopped by security and asked to show identification.  WOW – welcome to civilian life as-hole.  I felt like Ice Cube in Higher Learning – I almost said to the security guard, “Let me see yo’ ID.”  I wondered why I was being subjected to such odd treatment.  Was it racial?  Perhaps, except these two crusty white security guards probably thought I was Italian anyway.  Was it my lack of a lawyerly air?  Probably, considering my puffy winter coat, sweatpants and 2007 Dwayne Wade high top sneakers. 

It still made little sense though, since I had a security pass to enter the building and who the fu-k steals diplomas?  Like some sort of poorly dressed and uninteresting Thomas Crowne Affair.

I am now considering what to do with them.  I may bring them on stage with me since that is technically my new office.  But before that I must go in to the firm for one more day (today).  Hopefully there is either a slow clap for me as I leave for the last time or a Dead Poets’ Society-Captain My Captain moment as I walk out.

Thank you lawyers.  Thank you.

All through college I never understood my friends’ fascination with Bruce Springsteen.  First off none of them were really working class guys for whom The Boss could represent the voice of their struggles or generation, unless growing up in wealthy Boston and DC suburbs was the 2000 equivalent of broken down textile mill towns.  Sure I liked the hits that everyone liked, but I did not get the hero worship they had for Springsteen.  I spent most of my music days listening to Limp Bizkit, AC/DC and Metallica for my inner meathead and finding common ground with my friends over GnR and U2 (not to mention having the bold foresight to declare I Want It That Way an excellent pop song the day it hit the radio as opposed to several months later when it was more fashionable to acknowledge – sort of my equivalent of John McCain’s support for the surge in Iraq).

But then I hit law school and two planes hit the World Trade Center.  Tough times lay ahead dealing with the rigors of law school and the fear of terrorism, feeling both personal and global panic at the same time).  But then Bruce released The Rising, which along with The Eminem Show (odd couple I know) became my own soundtrack for law school.  Bruce spoke to a hopeful side of me (Lonesome Day, The Rising, City of Ruins, Waitin’ on a Sunny Day) and Eminem (entire album) spoke to the angry side of me that through sublimation probably became my comedy career.   It should be noted that both albums were robbed by Norah Jones for Album of the year at the 2002 Grammies.

Every morning The Rising would play off of my stereo and it made it just a little easier to get out of bed.  I think I began to appreciate Bruce the way my friends had in college.

Well Bruce showed up in late 2007 with Magic and just as if I had asked him for a pick me up (and channeling both hopeful and bitter sentiments – see ya Eminem) I found myself feeling better listening to songs like You’ll Be Coming Down, Your Own Worst Enemy and Girls in Their Summer Clothes.

Walking around Best Buy last night (an ill advised move that led to the purchase of FIFA 09 for Wii) I saw Bruce’s newly released album “Working On a Dream.”  To quote Gary Gulman, “Ummmmm, Bruce Have you Been Reading My Diary?”  I am going to listen to it shortly, but I got to thinking –  Is a layoff/change of career the kind of moment that requires a Springsteen album for me if I am actually pleased with the moment?  Maybe Bruce was nervous for me and thought (gritting underbite, strains of constipation in his voice), “Maybe J-L needs a pick me up.”  Or worse, what if something bad is headed my way and Bruce, like that bell ringing monk in the preview for 2012, is trying to get a warning out to me?  Perhaps, but last night I performed for 9 people at an open mic named after a Hawaiian-themed taco restaurant.  How much worse could it get?

Looking forward to seeing Bruce perform at the Steelers’ Super Bowl win Sunday.  Hopefully he does not play his new song, “J-L, are you out of your mind, a law degree is a terrible thing to waste”.  Steve Van Zandt’s voice is too whiny during the chorus.

One of my jokes becomes reality.

As a preface to this posting I must offer you two of my jokes, one written a couple of months ago, the other written last night:

1. With all the investment bankers losing their job why isn’t anyone concerned about the problems this will cause escorts, whores and coke dealers?
2. With investment bankers no longer masters of the universe who is going to step into the role of men who shame women and make them jaded while simultaneously raising the women’s expectations of what material possessions they deserve from future boyfriends?

Now I was just writing out some ideas that I thought relevant in these tough economic times.  Low and behold the following article in today’s New York Times, “It’s the economy, girlfriend.” http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/28/nyregion/28daba.html?_r=1

This article focuses on a new support group that has sprung up from the bowels of Manhattan’s most shallow and vulgar group called “Dating a Banker Anonymous”.  This is not a joke.  Once again, my oft used quote of Oscar Wilde – “life imitates art.”

The group consists of women supporting each other while their formerly aggressive arrogant douche bag boyfriends become more depressed and less cool because they no longer define themselves as Christian Bale-American Psycho wannabes.  I am not even sure how to make a funnier joke than the reality of this situation.  These women actually think they have a problem (which they do, but it relates to their fathers’ neglect and their soulless existence, not to their wallet-with-a-cock they call a boyfriend).  One woman said that her boyfriend had not asked about her day in three weeks because he was so obsessed with the market.  He probably had not asked about her day in three years, but now that the money faucet is running dry these things get noticed more.  They even have a blog where they offer supportive advice to women who have broken up with the FBFs (Financial-guy Boyfriends as they so intelligently call their men – (why FBFs – shouldn’t it be FGB or FB? and why is the “guy” thrown in there – anybody have a female boyfriend – ahhhh the elite of Manhattan indeed).  One such piece of advice was: “Remember they are just math-club nerds.”  Wow – for a second I thought these woman loved the guys for who they were.  Awwww – how sad.

This article is funnier than any joke I can write so I encourage you to read it.

1/30/09

For the last 7 1/2 years the legal profession has been a large part of my life.  For the past 5 1/2 years comedy has been standing by like a mistress who has been promised a divorce and a new last name.  Well, as January 31, 2009 I will be shedding the dual identity and forging ahead as a comedian, instead of a “slashie,” lawyer-comedian.  Now the legal profession is a little bit like the priesthood in that as long as I keep up my CLE credits and pay my dues I will always technically be an attorney, but I will be free to identify myself as something else. 

I’d like to say that there was a Ben Affleck-Matt Damon moment, where my best friend came up to me and said to me “If you’re still filing papers and billing hours in twenty years I’m going to fu-king kill you.”  But there was no moment like this.  Most people I know do not understand the forces in me pulling and pushing: the steadiness of the legal profession and the respect many people give you for being a lawyer coupled with a sense of incredible ordinariness versus the individuality and excitment of being a comedian coupled with the fear of failure and coming to grips that you are a nobody until you are a somebody.  I had targeted 2009 as the year that I give 100% to comedy instead of 50%.  Did I target February 2009? No, but the law has had a way of pushing me towards comedy since 2003 so I cannot blame the timing.

In February 2003 I was down in the dumps.  I was having a tough time balancing all my work in law school to the point that my Mom, who never quits anything and my Dad, who quits plenty of things, but loves the law and comes from a family of lawyers said to me that I could quit law school.  That same month as I contemplated my professional future I went to Nany O’Brien’s, a bar near my apartment in Cleveland Park in Washington, DC to watch an amateur comedy show.  I was hooked.  I had always liked stand up comedy and making people laugh, but this was different.  It seemed accessible and possible for me to do.  I fought through the second semester of my second year of law school and the first Monday after school was done I went to my first open mic at Takoma Station Tavern a Jazz club in DC that hosted comedy every Monday.  The only joke I can remember from that set was about the low standards of a cab company called “Arrive Alive Cabs” (which was actually observed by my then girlfriend on a visit to DC).  I did well enough to continue and the third year of law school was a breeze because I had found my passion.  If I was bored in class I could just brainstorm some jokes.  I finished law school, but I never felt like a lawyer.  I was a comedian.

The summer of the bar I studied about half as much as I should have because I was unable to stop going to open mics.  I ended up failing the bar by 3 points.  I passed easily the second time, but in hindsight it looks like yet another message of the direction my life should be taking. 

For the last 5 1/2 years comedy has been one of the greatest joys and one of the greatest pains in my life, as well as the greatest therapy in my life.  It has helped me deal with the greatest challenges on my life from law school to break-ups to loneliness and depression and it has given me some of my greatest joys of my life – appearing on national television, two CD recordings, and just making people laugh.  But last night the thought of being a full time comedian gave me liberation on stage that I have not felt before.  And I had the best set of my life.

So at the end of this week I will say goodbye to a profession that has made me friends, helped build my character and made me some decent money, and say a full time hello to what I should be doing.  I remember hearing comedian Paul Mooney say that comedians are born – you either have it or you don’t.  Only time and hard work will determine whether I get the success I want, but I know that I am a comedian.

Many of my friends have said they think this is “awesome” and other words like that.  I have had many friends telling me that I should be a full time comic, but these are either people who would not dream of leaving their health insurance  or safe and secure worlds for a second, or those who have never known the perks that go with being a lawyer or similarly situated profession.  So the decision is scary for me, but at the same time it is also an easy one.   The law has been useful because it allowed me to save enough money to give my dream a real chance without having to starve while doing it, but it may take the next 5 1/2 years to get where I want.  It may take longer.  But for me to not do it would be like asking me to stop being tall.  It is who I am and what I want and need to do.  And it feels good to be able to do.

It reminds me of an anecdote a priest once told many years ago at my Church (paraphrased):

A man’s town was flooded and to survive he had to climb up on his roof.  As he sat on his roof he saw the water rising to the point where the door of a house went floating by.  As the water continued to rise he saw that the water had risen so much that a tree went floating by.  Then, finally, he saw another house float by.  Eventually the flood overcame the man and he drowned.  When the man died he went to Heaven and asked God, “Why did I have to die?  I did not feel like it was my time.”  And God answered, “I did not intend for you to die.  I sent you a door, a tree and a house and you ignored all three!”

I think the signs in my life have all pointed towards comedy so as Maximus said in Gladiator: “The time for talk and half measures is over.”

Today I was went to the dentist so he could prep for his role in Saw VI.  After tasting approximately a pint of my own blood, being told I needed a crown (for those who brush and floss regularly,  a crown is like a mega filling – like when a filling just won’t get the job done you get a crown) and forcing my dentist and his receptionist to watch my Obama impression, I took a long walk through Riverdale (my hometown, except if I ever run for political office in the Bronx, during which I will say I am from Kingsbridge, a more heavily Latino neighborhood my family lived in until I was 6, when our upstairs neighbor stabbed her boyfriend).

As I walked through Riverdale I noticed more and more stores closed than I had ever seen.  I felt like Bruce Springsteen looking at some mill town in New Jersey that had just closed up.  All that was missing was My Hometown in my iPod and Steve Van Zandt sneering behind me.

Pizza shops, a book store, a video store and other things (not including numerous unoccupied new buildings) were closed that had been open for years.  Oddly enough the Indian Restaurant which I have never seen customers in is still open (let’s get Bronx Vice on this obvious mob front).  Also still thriving – the comic book store.  Really, this industry is still going strong?  The baseball card and comic book shop?  This place has been open for twenty years without a hitch.  So the book store closes, the comic book store still open.  I will keep my diatribe to myself, but I am sure the loyal 13 readers of this blog know what I would think of that.

I think President Obama (that has a nice ring to it) should look to Riverdale as a bellwether of the economy.  I mean if a middle class/upper class neighborhood loaded with Jewish people can start to go under, then is there really any hope for our economy?  At least we know Marvel Comics will not need a bailout.

Perhaps a moment of silence for the last 4 years before the party for the next 4 days.

I am now certain that January 20, 2009 is a historic day in America.  It obviously has significant meaning as a statement of the progress of the American dream of equality and equal opportunity (anyone, and I mean anyone, with a Harvard education and hundreds of millions of dollars can be president).  However, I think it stands as an even more important statement about the future of America and American politics.  It is proof that the future of politics, more than ever, is a game, and it will be won not by credentials or experience, but by mastery of the media and technology.

The best parallel to this before the Obamification of politics as far as the history I am aware of is the 1960 election of John F. Kennedy over Richard Nixon.  An incredibly close election (think Bush v. Gore, minus theft) a critical factor was the good looks of Kennedy leading those who watched the debate on the new contraption known as the television to find Kennedy the winner of the debate (versus radio listeners who thought Nixon won).

Well we now have more than just television now.  We have Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Blackberry, text messaging, etc.  Our generation, rather than contributing substance and value are merely adding more and more bells and whistles for delivering the same old sh*t, or more simplified sh*t.  But because all we have delivered, or more accurately, consumed, are bells and whistles, we are starting to value and confuse bells and whistles as substance.  Whether it is a 19 year old thinking his or her life warrants a blackberry, or people text messaging instead of speaking to each other, or reading celebrity blogs instead of reading and supporting newspapers we are well on our way to sacrificing relationship building and social skills for virtual relationships. 

And Obama has mastered these formats.  The problem is that the future of politics seems to be about how one delivers, not what they deliver.  Politics will become like Domino’s Pizza – the promise of quick, efficient delivery will matter more than the substandard crap that potentially comes in the box.  Obama has become a major pop culture figure and I think to millions that is his most endearing quality.  This is not to say that Obama is not smart, thoughtful, measured and composed individual with leadership skills.  But the precedent he has set is scary to me.  For the first time I can think of the delivery device of the message seems to have as much or more power than the message itself.  I know advertising dollars has been critical to politics for years, but I think the presidency has become more of a product than ever before and that will only increase as people demand more and more instantaneous and glib forms of information and information delivery.

On a side note, Obama is breaking a racial barrier – and although I believe it is important to point out that he is half-white, I am tired of hearing more and more people mentioning that in a spiteful way, as though if we turned back the clock 50 or 100 years he would have been getting a hearty welcome from white America.  However, I am also equally tired of America patting itself on the back.  As much as Obama is cool and inspiring, the love orgy occurring on the news is starting to sicken me – it is as if America is starring at itself in a mirror and is arousing itself in some sort of narcissistic appreciation of its own tolerance and progressiveness.  Stop it already!

But back to the technology/media manipulation.  Obama has proven incredibly capable at using message and media to create an impression upon people, even when the actual content conflicts with the impression.  Some examples:

Facebook/CNN Sound byte: We need more than just the old politics of Bush and Clinton.

Reality: We need all of the Clinton staff because the Clintons actually know and knew what the fu-k they were doing in making decisions and in picking staff.  I am like the Sammy Haggar of the White House.  I will keep the Clinton/Van Halen band, but just replace David Lee Roth/The Clintons.

Facebook/CNN Sound byte: Family is private and I want my children to have a normal life.

Reality: Here is a private letter to my daughters that I will release to the media to show how private and fatherly I am.

Facebook/CNN: I am taking a train ride to DC because I have been inspired by Abraham Lincoln’s common touch and leadership to America.

Reality: I am visiting 4 cities on the East Coast.  Abe Lincoln gave 100 speeches in 12 days coming across half the country during a crisis that is still unparalleled in American History.

But we are buying it hook, line and sinker.  And I need to make this clear – I think Obama was what we needed.  My main reason for voting for him is that the Bush foreign policy made Obama’s race an asset in raising our respect in the world community, after 5+ years of bombing brown and Muslim people.  His symbolic value is a real asset to America.  However, how people have clung to him shows that when the media is played the right way people can be manipulated and led along.  I like Obama so this is not as much a warning against Obama as president, but a warning of where we are going as a people.  Are we using technology and the media or are we allowing them to use us?  That may sound like a cliché saved for science fiction, but I think we are living it now. 

We are a nation of wristband wearers and Facebook groups.  Obama’s words may inspire, but I am afraid that all he will do is inspire us to talk and engage in more symbolic gestures.  He is going to have to do the heavy lifting for the country if this buzz wears off in 100 or 200 days.  Celebrity is a fleeting existence, so hopefully he has the substance to make a difference.  I think he does, but only time will actually tell.

One thing above all disturbs me about this event.  Tuesday will be a great feel good moment in history, but history should have been made, or rather, re-made four years ago.  Over 3,000 individuals have died in a war we apparently ALL thought was wrong 4 years ago, but did not elect John Kerry because he was not “cool” or “the man”.   When we had a chance to elect a president 4 years ago who would have made environmentalism a bigger priority we did not.  When we could have elected a president who would not have let big corporations run amok (or at least as much) we did not because our own wallets were doing ok and they guy just did not “inspire” us.  When we could have had a president who might have prepared better for Hurricane Katrina and put someone in charge of FEMA who did not judge Arabian horse shows, we did not and 1,000 poor people died.  So when we had a chance to change history 4 years ago we did not.  So maybe there should be a moment of silence for all that has gone wrong in the last four years before we celebrate the next four days.

A little over 7 years ago, just after “September the 11th” changed everything (including how far I would go in using metaphors to describe failed romances), Fox began running promos for a new show starring Kiefer Sutherland.  The show looked exciting and the usage of Limp Bizkit’s “Break Stuff” was a brilliant marketing move.  It made the show instantly appealling to 21 year old college seniors who were going through some sort of delayed teenage angst.  The show promised to cover one day in real time and as Jack Bauer said in the commercial, “This is going to be the longest day of my life.”

That show was 24 and for 3 seasons, especially the first, it delivered the goods.  It was so well done that we overlooked several things that have persisted throughout the show’s run:

• everyone who possibly needs to see Jack Bauer or members of his fictional CTU department is at most a 15 minute drive away – no exceptions
• the government has a 1:1 spy-to-honest employeed ratio – government background checks are apparently as rigorous as a McDonald’s application
• internet connections and wifi connections are flawless and super fast everywhere all the time
• no one has ever eaten food or gone to the bathroom during any of the days covered by 24

But 24 has lost both its moral and creative integrity.  First, creatively, there is just no way that what takes place takes place within a week, let alone a day.  They just don’t care about making it even seem remotely plausible anymore.  To get anywhere in Washington DC in the new “day” all that is needed is a commercial break (3 minutes).  Furthermore, I am tired of the 18 different plots that happen to occur on the same “day.”  I feel like HBO could do 24 (or 12 in their case) so much better because they are usually dealing with a more sophisticated audience and could stand to have some realism and down moments in the show.  Ther 24 audience is like a crack addict – instead of liking the first few hits and being satisfied woth the pace and quality, the audience demanded more action, more hits, more potency is until they have lost their metaphorical teeth and sucked some metaphorical- you get what I’m saying.

This season they were at such a lost they actually brought a character back from the dead.  So now Jesus Christ is working as a rogue agent with Jack Bauer.  And I am sure according to Rupert Murdoch and the Fox creative team, Jesus Christ will torture suspects if it works.

Which brings me to 24’s moral credibility.

In 24 torture always works.  Always.  In the first 4 hours of the current “day”, Bauer goes from a congressional hearing investigating his torture of a suspect (which worked and which Bauer defends a la Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men) to help the FBI.  No sooner does the good and earnest FBI agent Jack is working with have an opportunity to torture a suspect does she do it.  Twice – once telling Jack to (but that was a bluff) and a second tiem where she does it herself to a man in the hospital.  And of course she gets the information she needs.

I guess before hope and change come to the White House, Rupert Murdoch wanted to put out one more propaganda laden torture fest to defend Bush and Cheney.  Do I sound paranoid?  Does this not seem like something Murdoch could and would do?  Maybe not directly, but surely there are ways of influencing the content on a television station you own.  And as Oscar Wilde put it, life imitates art.  Vapid women looking to Sex and the City for culture cues are nothing compared to the government and soldiers taking their cues from 24, which is partly what they’ve done according to Jane Meyer’s The Dark Side.

The bottom line is that the show sucks creatively and has influenced and reinforced people’s ideas as to the effectiveness and permissibility of torture.  But with Lost coming back I cannot definitively say that 24 is the worst show on television.  Any show that spends 2 1/2 years figuring out what it wants to do at the expense of millions of fans is pretty bad.

14 Minutes if Officially Too Long

 

I recently wrote, produced and starred in a meaningless mockumentary style production about a fictional 4th cousin of Barack Obama.  At the time of my writing this it has currently been viewed 363 times on www.funnyordie.com and has received 40 funny votes to 8 die votes. 

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/2ad107b5b8/kareem-polpot-obama-from-steveax

Click on the above link to watch and vote – or just go to my video section and watch it there.

I think it is well done and I am thankful to all the friends and comedians and directors (Nate and Ari) who helped make it go.  I was hoping to make the video go “viral,” meaning that thousands and then millions would see it, I would  become Fred Armisen’s replacement as Obama on SNL and then forget about everyone in my life and become wildly rich.

But I have been shot down by a few friends in this pursuit and the reason is that it is “too long” for people, especially the ADD types to forward along to their friends.  it is 14 minutes long, which should not be a problem.  And ADD is a myth shrouded in science to make rude people feel less like douchebags.

This is where we have gotten – 14 minutes is now too long for people to pay attention.  Shows like Bromance, starring Brody Jenner, the handsome,useless, unaccomplishedspawn of a former Olympian named Bruce Jenner, trying to find a best friend holds people’s attention.  If you watch anything funny on television it has now become either shows loaded with quick nonstop attention grabbing gags and diversions like Scrubs, 30 Rock or Family Guy or unintentional humor like Bromance and Rock of Love. 

My sketch is more about total humor, but with punch lines thrown in, some obvious, some subtle.  But either my friends don’t give their friends enough credit for being able to pay attention for 14 minutes or their friends are going to further the tidal wave of simple and quick hit humor. 

Perhaps this is just because I sat through Che, which is 4 1/2 hours long, but I think people can watch a 14 minute mockumentary.  Or at least Lorne Michaels can.  And should.  Please.

I saw fewer films than last year.  I still saw a lot of them.

If comedy were not my favorite thing in the world, goingto movies would probably be it. Before giving you my Top 10 of the year I have some other awards I would like to give out:

Worst Movies of 2008

1) The Happening

2) Twilight

3) Indiana Jones 4

I curtailed the amount of pure crap I saw this year (which may explain the reduction in total number of films seen).  The Happening was just dreadful.  Marky Mark should have his name stricken from the books as havign ever been nominated for an Oscar.  The only thing worse than his performance was the movie itself.  The only hope for M. Night Shamalamadingdong is to direct and star in a biopic about Bobby Jindal.  My reason for seeing Twilight was that I wanted to see what the buzz was about.  Lesson learned – when girls/women between the age of 15 and 30 create “buzz” you can almost guarantee that it is something really fu-king stupid.  I have always liked Indiana Jones, but South Park really nailed it when they portrayed the film as George Lucas and Steven Spielberg raping Indiana Jones – it was truly awful.

 

Best Holocaust Movie of the Year

I saw Defiance, The Reader, Valkyrie so I have not seen all of them, but The Reader was the best, but more by default.  The other two were just ok.  Hopefully Hollywood can learn from its mistakes and pump out more Holocaust movies next year.  And speakingof tragedies I think Hollywood is planning its second slavery movie ever now that we have a black president.

 

Best Surprise Decent Movie

JCVD – this humorous, but somewhat touchingmovie starring Jean Claude Van Damme was actually a pretty clever movie and shows that Van Damme, rather than juicing up like Stallone or running for office like Ahnuld, has embraced who he is and made easily the most quality movie of his career (though it was not tough beating out his performance as Chance Boudreaux in Hard Target).

 

Most Overrated Independent Film that People Had to Say They liked

Rachel Getting Married – this movie was a B/B+ that critics swooned for.  It has all the classic trappings of a great independent film – a story that is not very interesting, a sad back story and a good set of performances.  Anne Hathaway is fine (and uglified which is always good for Oscars), but I thought whoever played her sister (Rachel – I did not care enough to look up her real name) was better.

 

Best Animated Movie of the Year

I love Pixar and I really like Wall-E, but I enjoyed Kung Fu Panda more.  It might just be the star power of Jack Black, but the fat panda made me laugh more than the cuter version of Short Circuit.

 

Most Arrogant Move by a Filmmaker

The movie Che is 4 hours and twenty minutes long.  If I was not crippled by a movie addiction I would have never seen it.

 

Best Performances of 2008

Heath Ledger  (The Dark Knight) + everyone in the Dark Knight except for Bale’s voice as Batman

Robert Downey Jr  (Tropic Thunder) – so obviously funny, but incredibly subtle at the same time.  Maybe the best performance of the year, but Ledger’s work +  tragedy will be honored

Meryl Streep (Doubt) – I don’t care if she has been nominated 47 times and has won multiple times – this was definitely the best performance by an actress this year

Micky Rourke (The Wrestler) – excellent work

Paul Rudd (Role Models) – sarcastic, bitter, unhappy – what’s not to love/identify with in Paul Rudd’s performance

Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio (Revolutionary Road) – best duo on screen this year.  Anyone who has never had the balls to go full out in an argument with a girlfriend or spouse – this movie will give you a liberated feeling and it is their performances that make it so intense.

Benicio Del Toro (Che) – 4 hours and 20 minutes in a performance that’s so good you forget it’s an actor (maybe just because it is so f-ing long)

Justin Long (Zach and Miri Make a Porno) – one scene as a gay porn star at a high school reunion – fantastic.

TOP TEN OF 2008

1. The Dark Knight – I truly believe this has changed the way action movies can and will be made
2. The Wrestler – Not since Million Dollar Baby have I seen a movie that captures the absolute sadness of ordinary, everyday life.
3. Revolutionary Road – I could have written this movie myself, but it might not have had the happy ending that this one has.
4. Role Models – Funniest movie I have seen since 22003’s Old School.
5. Doubt – a really good movie that is even better because of Meryl Streep
6. Flash of Genius – underrated Greg Kinnear in the most under appreciated movie of the year
7. Milk – standard biopic, but really well done
8. Slumdog Millionaire – slightly overhyped indie-film, but it is a great story
9. Cadillac Records – great acting, including Beyonce and from box office receipts proof that people do not want to see a story about black people being fleeced by white people
10. Kung Fu Panda – Jack Black’s best work since School of Rock

Honorable mention : Che, Wall-E,  W, Miracle at St. Anna

And yes, I have probably seen any movie you think should be on this list.