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Top 10 Righteous Prick Podcasts of 2014

On this Christmas Eve I continue a yearly tradition by providing you with the top 10 Righteous Prick Podcast episodes of the year.  If you are a loyal listener then simply bask in the memory of these 10 gems, but if you are a part time listener or a recent convert to the podcast then this list should provide you with some great listening entertainment over the holidays and (hopefully) motivation to subscribe on iTunes.  The topics range from music to sports to racism and of course stand up comedy.  This year I had my most listens/downloads of the three years I have been doing the podcast, so for all the pessimism there is reason to be optimistic going forward into year 4.  So without further adieu, after painstaking deliberations by a committee of me, here are the top 10 episodes of 2014:

 

10. Trading Places with Magic Johnson and the Ferguson Aftermath – This episode was a solo episode recorded while I watched the riots in Ferguson, Missouri.  It was a very funny, somewhat manic steam of consciousness episode of me lamenting my comedy career while simultaneously lamenting the situation in Ferguson.  Listen here

9. The Big Sexy – In a rare, straightforward interview episode, I had a fun chat with the band that provides my podcast theme music.  The episode was full of humor and sampled three great tracks off of their new album.  Enjoy it here

8. Michael Brown – This was a last minute, almost late posting of my weekly episode where I was not sure what I wanted to talk about, but ended up delivering a solo episode on the Michael Brown shooting that got a lot of good feedback.  Listen to it here

7. Lebron James and Last Comic Sickness with Mark Normand – In what has become a yearly Summer ritual I began this June episode with a defense of Lebron James and then, as part of my Summer 2014 series, I interview the funny and very forthright Mark Normand about his experience on Last Comic Standing.  Check it out here

6. Who Should Replace Letterman w/ JP McDade and Sid Singh  – On the episode I first announce the worst person in comedy contest winner and then have a hilarious discussion on who should and will replace David Letterman on The Late Show (spoiler – I nailed it).  Listen here

5. The True Detective Debate and Duke Porn Star Sequel – This was a double episode. The first part was a follow up to a discussion about Belle Knox, the “Duke Porn Star” (I was sick on the first episode, which did get a lot of downloads, but history and my health have proven this is the episode to show to demonstrate how right I was about Ms. Knox.  The second part of the episode is my critique/debate over True Detective, featuring my kick-ass Rust Cohle impression.  Settle in for a good one here

4. Comedy Life Coach (Ep. 136) with Josh Homer – The guest who averages by far the most listens is Josh Homer.  Among his several appearances this year this was the best as we talk comedy and he tries to give me advice going forward in 2014. Get schooled here

3. Futbol Fad or Soccer to Stay with Alexis Geuerreros and Steve Serra – Some listeners may be surprised to find this episode so high, but there was no episode I had more fun on all year.  A lively and hilarious discussion about soccer/futbol and the World Cup.  Laugh along with me here

2. The Case Against Anthony Cumia and Comedy with Cleveland Improv Manager Lee Herlands – A double episode where either half would have made the top 10. First I discuss the controversial radio host Anthony Cumia and in the second half I have a hilarious and insightful discussion with Cleveland Improv Manager Lee Herlands.  Enjoy it here

and… in my mind a complete no brainer for the best episode of the year, and probably of the three years I’ve had the podcast:

1. Comedy Scar Tissue with Mike Payne –  I genuinely believe this is the best episode I have ever done.  It was my most downloaded episode of the year for a reason.  Two comics laughing and lamenting the psychological rewards and costs of pursuing and quitting comedy. Listen here

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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New Video Asks: What If Your Favorite TV Bad…

With Sons of Anarchy ending recently, many of the bad boys of the golden age of television are dead and gone (some literally, some just figuratively).  Walter White, Jax Teller, Tony Soprano and Dexter Morgan just to name a few.  But while these men got away with season upon season of violence and anti-heroics, what might have happened to these characters had they been black? Well, that question is answered in this new video:

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Weekend Comedy Recap: The Town Greyhound Bus Forgot

This weekend marked the last scheduled comedy work of the year for me (and technically the last scheduled work of my life if you check the barren wasteland that is the calendar page of my website, but I am mildly confident it will not stay that way) and it was a classic J-L gig full of positives, negatives and sad transportation.  The trip began with Martz Trailways – the Monkees to Greyhound’s Beatles.  The shows were at Mohegan Sun in Wilkes Barre, PA.  The first thing to mention is that the casino is really nice.  It is how small casinos should do it – make your casino a smaller site of luxury instead of making a big, cheap, shitty casino.  People would rather have a small dose of a luxury hotel with nice restaurants, bars and table games then some behemoth of slot machines and crappy buffets (the buffet at MSWB by contrast  is quite good).  But before I can get to the casino I had to take the aforementioned Martz Trailways.

There are a few signs that your town or city is struggling.  One is if there is an Ebola breakout.  Another is if the girls who reside there are routinely beaten for attending school. But a worse sign than either of those is if Greyhound buses choose not to service your town or city.  And Greyhound does not go to Wilkes Barre.  So when one arrives at the bus depot at Wilkes Barre it sort of resembles a group of overfed walkers from The Walking Dead.  After a relatively pleasant three hour bus ride (as pleasant as I can be with my knees firmly lodged into the encroaching seat in front of me I arrived and waited for the local bus to arrive.

You guys going to NYC or Scranton?

Pulling up to a nice casino on a public bus is probably exactly how the Rat Pack did it in Las Vegas, so naturally I felt like a real big shot when I stepped inside the Mohegan Sun.

Dean? Frank? Sammy? You guys there?

The first night the show was tremendous though I had a moment that made me feel really guilty.  One of my jokes that I recently wrote, based on an actual encounter at a Panera Bread in October of this year, is about a confrontation between an older man and a young woman.  I described the man as a “Clint Eastwood type who had the look of a man who had killed a bunch of teenagers in some foreign village.”  It got a decent laugh, though that is not one of the big laugh lines in the bit anyway.  But coming off stage (to tremendous applause #Blessed) a man in a motorized scooter stopped me and said “You were very good, but we didn’t go over there to kill kids. That wasn’t right.”  And for one of the few times in over 11 years of doing comedy I felt really bad.  Obviously I did not mean the reference as an indictment of veterans, but of course the imagery would be graphic to someone who actually had been in Vietnam.

So I was feeling bad waiting outside to sell CDs after the show (sold 3 #ComedyMogul) and I saw the man drive his scooter (is that how you describe that?) to the bathroom and then he just got off it and walked with relative ease to the bathroom!  Knowing that he could walk made me feel less bad about the joke for some reason so the night ended on a high note and I celebrated with a large chocolate milkshake (#ComedyMogul).

The next day I spent in my room writing two of my best sketches ever.  Look for the first one on December 16th (a novel look at the violence affecting black men in America) and the other one in early January (me as Joel Osteen).  I will leave it at that, but I have missed the days of being able to just sit and write for 5 or 6 hours in a row.  I can really crank out good shit when left alone by people trying to get me to pay my bills.

The Saturday show was very good and I sold one CD after which I promptly used to buy a large chocolate milkshake ($4 change left over #ComedyMogul).  The club paid me in cash, which given my love of gambling was dangerous, but for the second trip to MSWB in a row I avoided all gambling. After all, trying to make stand up comedy a career is a much bigger gamble than anything you can put on the roulette wheel.

The next morning woke up early and went to the Wilkes Barre station which at 645 am is fortunately cleared of walkers.

All is quiet on the Wilkes Barre front

So there it is folks. Another year of stand up and travel is over.  Now it is time to get into the office and help some real #moguls make money so I can continue my #ComedyMogul lifestyle (extra chicken on my lunch salad).

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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New Movie Shows How TMZ Sports Brought Down Ray…

The Ray Rice-Roger Goodell-NFL scandal that rocked the sports world has predictably gotten a cinematic treatment.  In the spirit of the classic All The President’s Men comes this generation’s great saga of intrepid journalism conquering corruption in power.  Check out All The Commissioner’s Men:

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Weekend Comedy Recap: Comedy Sharecropping in Connecticut

This past Saturday I had a gig at an Italian restaurant in Connecticut.  To be fair I also had a paid gig at a bar in NYC on Friday so it was basically a cash bonanza for my comedy career.  The Friday gig conflicted with the Utah Jazz- (my favorite hoops team of the last 27 years) NY Knicks game at Madison Square Garden.  The Jazz had lost 9 of their last 10 games at MSG (including the last 6 that I was in attendance for).  Last year I went to the game courtesy of Lorne Michaels’ seats (a writer on an LM show gave them to me because he was unable to go last minute and when an NYC comedian hears Utah Jazz they think of me) and the Jazz lost by about 140 points.  So of course this year I decide to take a $20 spot in NYC and predictably the Jazz won on a buzzer beater in a very exciting game.  Meanwhile at the bar show I was heckled for 20 minutes a cop during my set (the kind of heckler where after the show he/she says “hey man… I am just being me… it’s all good” which is basically what the heckler said).  My main response to him halfway through one of his unsolicited tag suggestions was “Thank you, I will be sure to stop by your station house Monday and offer tips on how to better beat up black teens.”

On Saturday morning it was time to film a new sketch. I had to construct a desk podium the night before, but after filming the sketch I donated it to Ripley-Grier studios. So not only am I a great artist, but I am also a patron of the arts. #Hero

All of this was prelude to the main event: featuring at a restaurant in Danbury, Connecticut.  Not only was there a check at the end of the show, but non-alcoholic beverages were on the house!  However, alcohol and food were full price.  First step was the $27 round trip ticket on Metro North. Upon arriving in Bridgeport it was a $30 cab ride (split with the emcee so only $15 bucks per person #blessed) to the restaurant.  There was a Dunkin Donuts next door to the restaurant so I thought, “Hey I will go to Dunkin Donuts, eat a cheap egg white sandwich and juice for dinner to save my constantly diminishing profit margin!”  But we arrived at 8pm to the restaurant and guess what time DD closed?  8pm. It was like a coherent strategy had been implemented against my financial well being.   So I went inside and ordered a lasagna at the restaurant bar.  As my profit officially dipped into double digit dollars I just instinctively began humming negro spirituals.  Here is a clip of the emcee and I right before our sets:

The sets went really well, but during the headliner’s set I got hungry so I ordered a piece of carrot cake because I knew we would be making a run for the 11:13 train (the last one to NYC for the night) and I did not want to starve on the train home (#HalfWhitePeopleProblems).  So with $1 left in my pocket I got my check and the booker’s wife drove the emcee and I to the Metro North station.  There was no time to sell CDs sadly so I ended up netting slightly less than my monthly Sprint Mobile bill.   I know the sharecropping analogy in the title may seem a stretch, but if the financial realities of a one-nighter don’t convince the reader I was also forced to sit in the comedians-only section of the Metro North train on the way back to NYC.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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LA Comedy Recap Pt 2: Carolla and Cheesecake

Well I am back in NYC after a great and productive week in Los Angeles.  Last blog I gave a thorough recap of Comics Unleashed (hoping the check arrives in the mail this week) but that was only part of the trip.  The next day I was on The Adam Carolla Show for the third time in 2014, which is coincidentally how many times I ate dinner at the cheesecake factory in the three nights I was in LA (a friend is a waitress there, which mean discounts, #blessed).   The appearance went really well (you can listen here) and only one person on the Facebook post wrote “I hate jl” in the comments section.  Now the Carolla producer is in talks with my management (meaning my hotmail account) to have me on as a call in segment, rebooting an old Adam Carolla segment from his television show.  Normally I would not jinx an opportunity like this but a) it is unpaid and b) it is unpaid so what am I really jinxing by telling you before it airs?  So, hopefully this happens and allows me to continue to grow my fan base through the ACS.  Now I am back to submitting for contract legal work to fill in the large gaps in my comedy calendar.  So while that happens here is a pic of better times of myself, Adam and Matt Achity of Rotten Tomatoes:

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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My Final Trip to the Derek Jeter Shopping Mall

Last night I went to what I assume will be my final Yankee game of this season (proud to say I have not yet paid for tickets in the new shopping mall known as Yankee Statdium) and witnessed a boring 4-3 loss to the Tampa Rays. On the plus side the weather was nice and it was definitely great to hang out with my extremely busy brother for a night.  Now I must preface the rest of the post that if you love the Yankees and/or Derek Jeter you will dismiss this as more “hating” by me or something close to verbal half-black on half-black crime, but what Yankee Stadium has become, and more specifically the Derek Jeter farewell industry, is disgusting.  I think the Yankees, Jeter and sports memorabilia pimp Brandon Steiner have turned a storied franchise into a shameless cash engine.

Anyone who has been to the new Yankee Stadium has to have noticed the exponential explosion of gift shops and space allocated to gift shops.  After the fifth inning I accompanied my brother to the gift shop for him to look for a trinket for his kids.  I gladly joined him because baseball is extremely boring. What was shocking was that the store was jam packed.  In the middle of a game the store was jam packed like a Black Friday sale was going on. That is when I realized that the new Yankee Stadium feels more like the Mall of America – a bunch of places to spend money, but instead of an amusement park in the center, an overpriced baseball team performs with accomplished mediocrity.  Contrast this with the open and beautiful feel of Citi Field where the game is always visible as you walk around the stadium and feels like the most important thing going on, which is sad since the Mets suck so bad, but at least the stadium’s heart is in the right place.

At the center of the store, and by center I mean 60% of the store were dozens of shirts, hats, trinkets, used condoms and pubic hairs commemmorating Derek Jeter’s final season.  And then in the next store area a few sections over was the Brandon Steiner store with all sorts of manufactured memorabilia commemmorating Jeter’s career.  And all I could think was how shameless and hypocritical this whole charade was.  For a sport that keeps claiming to be based on nostalgia and creating memories and respect for tradition and history it seems that now this stadium only serves to force feed you manufactured memories and memorabilia, which of course negates the organic development of real history and nostalgia.

People will always praise Jeter as one of the guys who plays the game the right way.  However he was either a little jealous of all the fan fare Mariano Rivera got last year, or he saw dollar signs in his eyes like a cartoon villain, so he announced his retirement at the beginning of his final season.  Plus there had to have been a Yankee-Steiner-Jeter agreement to cash in on the tens of millions of additional dollars of merchadise “commemmorating” the occasion.  I always liked the way John Stockton, a first ballot NBA Hall of Famer, retired. He played his final season. Then he talked to his family and team management and announced his retirement.  No whoring. No self-serving farewell tour. No millions of dollars in merchandising.  And of course it is savvy business decision for Jeter (for a man with hundreds of millions of dollars already), but for a guy always hailed as a great ambassador of the game, it comes off as a shameless money grab.

Then there is the aforementioned explosion of intentionally generated memorabilia.  The whole point was that items gained prestige over time from their unforeseen value and/or personal attachment.  Now thanks to our culture and pimps like Brandon Steiner everything can become memorabilia.  Time and experience should determine the value and meaning of game items.  Someone might frame their ticket the last time they saw Mickey Mantle or Ted Williams, but now we have the Stadium and Steiner telling us that the 19 limited edition t-shirts, signed game jerseys that were never worn and 3 hat set with certificate of authenticity (yes this was offered on the big screen last night) are what we really need.  People often said of comedy that you will love it less when it becomes a business to you and that is sort of true to a certain extent.  Well, memorabilia loses most of its cache when you are instructing me what I need to experience sentimental feelings about an experience, instead of letting nostalgia occur naturally.

The there is Jeter the sports business icon.  Like his idol and business partner Michael Jordan, Jeter has always struck me as cold.  Jordan once famously said that “Republicans buy sneakers too” when he declined to endorse a candidate in North Carolina versus the bigoted Senator Jesse Helms.  Jordan operated with two things in mind – winning and Jordan, Inc. But he was so gifted and successful that we all applauded his accomplishments and never expected him to be a decent human being, as long as he was not a criminal.  I feel like the partnership of Jeter as Jordan brand’s #1 athlete endorsement is a perfect fit.  Jeter has never uttered a charismatic word in his life, he is aloof and is not afraid to whore his image of “playing the game the right way guy” into tens of millions of dollars of shameless merchandising.  But he won and that makes everything great, as long as you are not a criminal.  So congrats to the Yankees and Jeter for turning a hallowed space of baseball into a cheap shopping mall.  I just hope when Jeter gives his hook ups memorabilia bags that he doesn’t charge them since they are “Farewell to the Captain” gift bags.  That concludes this week hate session.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Comedy Road Recap: A Show for the Aged

This weekend I was on a show in Croton Falls, NY, a place that would be a perfect setting for a horror movie. There was a horrific Summer storm raging and Sprint, which generally has mediocre coverage anywhere outside of a 15 foot radius of a Sprint store, was completely dead. Combined with the desolate, suburbs-on-verge-of The Sticks ambiance, I figured it was only a matter of time before an ax wielding madman chopped my head off. So it was imperative that if this was a horror movie that I find the busty young co-ed showering before I met my demise.  None of that happened, but I was set to perform a half hour at the Schoolhouse Theater, which felt like the clocktower the lady was trying to raise money for in Back To The Future.  The show was sold out (90 seats to hear JLC speak), but the average age was Old Testament and the average ethnicity was Clorox.  But after 11+ years doing comedy, one of the refreshing things is you learn never to judge an audience by its demographics.  Sometimes a crowd of young people can be stupid, unimpressed or uninformed and give you next to nothing, while a bunch of old people in the suburbs can be a great audience, literally dying for a laugh. And that was the case on Saturday (the thumbnail pic on this post is supposed to represent me with the audience).

A few of my jokes rubbed the crowd the wrong way and/or confused them, but my tag line becamse “tell your grandkids to use ‘the google’ to figure it out – then they might become fans of mine who laugh at the joke when I am actually telling it instead of 6 hours later during an Internet search.”  Yes, sort of long for a tag line, but it worked with slightly shorter variations throughout my set.

After the show there was a Q & A with the audience where they asked the comedians about comedy, our lives, etc and it actually was kind of cool. And it allowed me to make my final impresssion a nice one instead of as a cynical dick.  After the show I even sold a few CDs and met a teacher from my high school who was classmates at UPenn with the emcee.  One elderly woman in a scooter said to me she wished I would write something so she could learn more about my life. She said that every time I started to talk about myself, whether my family, my jobs, my travel stories, she wanted to hear more about it.  As I always say, all the good women are either taken or are wheelchair bound senior citizens. I told her if I ever write a book I will get her a copy (for full cost – I left that part out).  I then went home and celebrated with some cookies and milk because for all the glitz and glamour tht comes with performing for 90 people in a small theater in the suburbs, I am still just the same humble comedian I started out as. #Blessed

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Labor Day Weekend Comedy Recap: DC Comic

This weekend I was at the Arlington Drafthouse in Arlington, Virginia to feature for Jay Chandrasekhar (or Jay C as I would have called him if I knew him better and had thought of that funny nickname on the spot instead of on a train two days later), known best as a comedy director and star of the films Super Troopers and Beer Fest, though I was happy to hear that he had also directed several episodes of Arrested Development.  I took Amtrak down to DC on Saturday and then ventured to the Metro Pentagon City stop, which was also the location of the mall I always went to during law school when I wanted to spend money I did not have. I hopped a cab to my hotel, the Pentagon City Sheraton, a 4 star hotel according to Hotwire.com, which continued its excellent streak of providing me with criminally low prices for DC Summertime hotel rooms (honestly – I feel like the cheapness of DC area hotels in the Summer could not be any lower even if there was an outbreak of Ebola in the DC area).

When I arrived at my hotel with an almost dead cell phone I realized I had left my cell phone charger at home.  So I took the hotel shuttle back to the Pentagon City Mall to purchase a cell phone charger, which quickly put my net earnings from the weekend at a robust -$21.00.

It was then time to head over to the theater.  My hotel was literally .9 miles in a straight line from my hotel so I started walking, forgetting that I am 36 lbs heavier than the last time I lived in DC for a Summer.  By the time I arrived at the theater I looked like Robert Hayes trying to land the airplane at the end of Airplane!  The staff at the club was great and the crowds were some of the best I have performed in front of.  And CD sales were surprisingly robust.  I saw an older gentleman leaving the theater on Friday night wearing a Williams College hat and I said – “Hey Williams – I am class of 2001.” He then gathered his family around to chat – he was Class of 1964, his son was class of 1996 and his daughter was a vile human being, which I inferred when she said that she had attended Duke.  We had a nice chat and then they bought my albums, which made me finally feel like I was benefiting from the Williams College alumni network.  After that an older drunk woman sort of sexually harassed me which was made weirder by the fact that her date/boyfriend/lover/husband/benefactor was right there. She actually spent 4 drunken minutes guilting him into buying one of my CDs.  It would have been less awkward if he had just paid me $10 to come back to their apartment and have sex with her while he filmed.

The next day was a big day of podcasting.  First was recording a mega movie episode of my podcast with Chris Lamberth (goes up tonight/Tuesday morning) and then I headed back to the theater to record back-to-back-podcast episodes with the guys behind the Three Guys On podcast.  Then, with 7 hours of my life gone I felt like I had had a busy day of accomplishments, until I realized all I had done was record three podcast episodes.  The show was not until 10pm so I had more time to kill so I grabbed dinner with my buddy Ross, whose wedding was chronicled in last week’s blog post.  He then revealed a  truly shocking pair of opinions to me: he is a huge fan of The Leftovers and hated Guardians of the Galaxy.  I asked him when he was joining up with ISIS, since he clearly hates America.

The show was surprisingly packed, sold a few more CDs and then headed back to the hotel. Sadly, my trip back to NYC this morning has been punctuated by a disturbing amount of people in my Acela train car with bare feet up in the air or on their seats.  I am so tired of people putting their feet everywhere like the world is their foot rest.  Feet, whether covered or not, belong on the floor, unless you are in your own home.  And no one wants to see your feet.  I have been angry about this and not many people articulate it better than Adam Carolla in his new book President Me.  From my perspective it is one of those things that is wrong, but the burden shifts to the complainer if you complain.  Like being owed $5.  The person should just pay you back, but if you ask for it back too often you will get the “Jeessh, alright – it’s just $5!!!”and YOU end up feeling like an asshole even though they owe you money.  Put your shoes on people and keep them on the ground.  Other than that, really successful trip to DC.  Hope to see some of you people at the DC Improv October 24-26 when I am back (assuming the people at the shows read this blog).

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Weekend Comedy Recap: DC Wedding

This weekend was one of those rare weekends (62% of all my weekends) when I was not booked to tell jokes for minimal profit.  So I did the next best thing – I brought my comedy skills to a wedding in DC for free (food provided, no room – like most gigs now)!  My friend Ross was getting married to his lady of almost ten years, Anne.  Interesting story – I met Ross in my first and only Improv class (the thinking was I am new to stand up so let me bolster my overall comedy game, includign the comedic arts that people find annoying) in DC when I was just a few months into starting as a stand up comedian. He has been one of my most loyal and valuable supporters/critics of my comedy (for those of you that like my podcast he was like Josh Homer 1.0).  When I left DC in 2004 to be a Bronx ADA, Ross met Anne shortly thereafter, proving that there is no good luck as good as J-L relocating to another part of the country from you #blessed.

I arrived in DC and got a sweet deal at The Melrose Hotel, which was right across the street from McFadden’s where I would occasioanlly drink when I was just a DC law student with loads of potential.  The Melrose was super nice, to the point that I think hotwire.com made a mistake with the price they gave me.  My room was spacious and beautiful and came with a section of the US Constitution on the wall, as I usually request when on the road.

Other than accurately stating the Constitution this was a perfect room for a Tea Partier.

I went for a nice stroll through Georgetown to the Ritz Carlton Georgetown where the wedding was.  It was a nice fairly small ceremony and the Maid of Honor was Bridgette, a cute female bull terrier, who rumor had it was a real whore with a couple of the groomsmen later that night.  I thought it was cute, given the small ceremony, for Bridgette to be involved, but can you imagine being the bridesmaids and losing out to a 112 year old Bull Terrier?

Then it was time for me to shine. The miscellanous wedding table.  I was sitting with four couples and one married dude whose wife was back home.  Definitely one of the most fun wedding tables I can remember in my wedding career.  Instead of feeling like Lebron on the Cavs, I felt more like Chauncey Billups on the 2004 Pistons – a real solid team effort from everyone at the table.  Added bonus was sitting next to a celiac (the gluten diseased people) which meant double dinner rolls and double cake (cut me some slack I dropped 40 lbs since March) for me. I even asked for permission by the time I took her third roll.

Due to my extra working out, my lack of partying conditioning this Summer and my insomnia over the last month I left around 1015 and went back to the Melrose. I fell asleep and was having a nice time until my hotel alarm went off at 3 am.  And then again at 530 am.  Here is something I think all hotels should do (this has happened to me 4 times in my life) – the maid should have to reset or turn off all alarms as part of her (or HIS #equality) duties.  As revenge I jerked off into the shampoo bottle and then cleaned it off like it had never been used.  It is a thing I like to call “Shitting it Forward.”    But seriously, there is nothing more annoying then having exactly one night a week to sleep well, having swank and cozy conditions to get eight hours and then, with 6 gin and tonics and a belly full of gluten, getting jolted awake at 3 am.

But overall, a great little trip back to my old stomping grounds. Here is a throwback photo of Ross and I (and comedian Danny Rouhier on the left) in 2003 or 2004 when I started.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!