On a day when it was revealed that Donald Trump’s campaign manager was let go by Ivanka Trump and that his campaign had almost no money, The Donald tried to offer some congratulations to the newly crowned NBA Chamption Cleveland Cavaliers. However, in classic Trump style he managed to forget Finals MVP Lebron James, star sidekick Kyrie Irving and everyone else that is black on the team! He gave a big shout out to Kevin Love, but Trump has obviously moved well past dog whistle politics and has gone full racist bullhorn with this one. Try to laugh if you aren’t crying while watching this:
(Be sure to give the video a like on YouTube when finished watching)
Lebron James ended the NBA season on a high note last night delivering a title to Cleveland, a city over 5 decades without a sports title, despite having three major sports teams. He defeated one of the greatest teams ever (and statistically the greatest regular season team ever) and led the first team in NBA history to overcome a 3-1 deficit in the NBA Finals. He did it in versatile and dominant fashion and ended all doubts that he is a top 5 all time player (I have him as 1B to Michael Jordan’s 1A). As someone who has loved Cleveland since my first visit to the city in 2010 (my endorsement has led to a nice renaissance of the city over the last six years) and has defended Lebron’s greatness since the late 2000s I am super happy for the city, Lebron and mostly myself for being completely correct. But now that we are left with only baseball for the next 2+ months (with a brief respite for Wimbledon) I figured I should at least compile a list of things to look forward to for next season. Here are my top 10 predictions for next NBA Season:
1) Steph Curry returns built like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – After hearing that the physical play of OKC and Cleveland damaged his game, Curry will undergo a Michael Jordan-esque commitment to weight training. He may go overboard though as he tries to go from the NBA’s Kevin Hart to the NBA’s Rock.
2) Kevin Durant goes to the Miami Heat – Pat Riley goes full Vince McMahon and brings in Durant to disrupt Lebron’s eastern conference dominance. Instead of Durant, Bosh and Wade doing a big pep rally it will be Riley coming out alone in McMahon cadence: “Oh I am happy for Lebron. He won his title for ‘The Land’… BUT NOW WE HAVE A NEW SON OF THE BEACH!” and then a curtain drops with Durant coming out as Riley flashes all his rings for the camera.
3) Russell Westbrook Has The Greatest/Worst Season in NBA History – With Durant gone, Russell Westbrook will average 38 points, 11 rebounds, 12 assists, 15 turnovers and shoot 36% from the field, He will actually tear both ACLs midway through the season and still play all 83 games.
4) The Knicks Sign Harrison Barnes – Harrison Barnes was tremendously awful in the last three games of the Finals (seriously – Nick Anderson level mind issues may have occurred – it looked like Barnes was aiming his shot in Game 7). He may have cost him a lot of money, but in Montana there is one team president who probably thinks he can snatch Barnes at a discount.
5) Demarcus Cousins punches his coach – Every season needs a controversy and Cousins seems to be on the edge of all NBA talent and 30 for 30 cautionary tale.
6) The Utah Jazz Make the Playoffs and, inspired by Cleveland, start calling Salt Lake City “The Lake” if they don’t already – Hey, I am a Jazz fan so give me this one.
7) The Minnesota Timberwolves Begin Frightening the Entire League – Great new coach, loaded with young talent (and about to add another lottery pick). I think T-Wolves make the playoffs and everyone realizes that Towns-Wiggins are coming for all of you like the White Walkers in Game of Thrones (GOAT episode last night by the way)
8 ) Lebron Haters Go Completely Silent – This is the only way to tell that Lebron has been great. Look for them to reappear in 2019 to declare that Lebron is not THAT great.
9) David Blatt Joins ISIS – I think we can all agree that joining a terror organization is wrong, but Blatt is as close to being justified as anyone could be. Watching Tyronn Lue’s “coaching” get praised has to be killing him. He comes from Europe to Cleveland and is spit out by the heart of rock n’ roll? Not on his watch!
10) Steven Adams pledges his loyalty to Daenerys Targayan – Kahl Adams should date Emilia Clarke raising his celebrity profile during what should be a breakout season for the OKC big man.
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
Tupac Shakur, one of the most revered rappers of all time, whose career highlights included not being as good as Notorious BIG and being in the film, Poetic Justice, that rapidly destroyed John Singleton’s clout in Hollywood, died young in a hail of gunfire in 1996 in Las Vegas (after just finishing OJ: Made In America, didn’t OJ go to Vegas after his acquittal in 1995? very suspicious). Well, social media is honoring Tupac today on what would have been his 45th birthday. People wonder about how much great music we missed out on with “Pac” (I hate people who call him “Pac” – it’s the rap equivalent of when people call Robert DeNiro “Bobby”) and my guess is not much. He would have probably transitioned into either a poor man’s Ice Cube or Eddie Murphy and now maybe you know where I am going with this – maybe the world and Pac’s legacy are better off with him dying early.
1) He would have probably signed with No Limit Records. And then been a judge on American Idol or The Voice. Ask Ricky Williams how he enjoyed signing with Master P. And as rappers of the 90s became mainstream loveable like Snoop Dogg who went from Murder Was Tha Case to Eating Hot Pockets Like They’re Hot, 2Pac would likely follow suit:
2) Tupac would be doing family films. Ice Cube was a lot angrier than Tupac (and his debut film Boyz in the Hood is much better than Juice) and Hollywood money turned him into a chubby Dad doing movies with Kevin Hart. It is not a stretch to see 2Pac in a Tyler Perry movie as an evil black man lured by a white woman who gives him AIDS.
3) Tupac Tweeting #AllLivesMatter. Maybe it would not have happened, but do you really want to have found out what he would have said in 2014?
4) If he were still performing he would have done duets with Pitbull, Ke$ha and Justin Bieber.
5) He would have been on a reality dating show called 2Heartz.
6) If 2Pac got married and had children he would have to learn that Derek Fisher was trying to sleep with his wife. As my buddy texted me last night – Derek Fisher is this generation’s Marcus Allen.
7) His hologram would have never appeared at Coachella. In an age of screen watching over experiencing life, how lame would it be to have the actual Tupac performing at a music festival instead of a computer image of Tupac?
8) He would have had to sleep with Kris Kardashian as she is the only age appropriate member of the Kris Kardashian Klan available to ruin his life (like the KKK, this KKK destroys black men)
9) He might not be prepared for how many white people would be comfortable screaming “Give it to daddy nig*a!” in 2016 United States, while singing along to How Do you Want It.
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
Over the last few days Harambe, the majestic gorilla from the Cincinnati Zoo, has dominated the news cycle. A beautiful animal in the prime of its life was sadly, but necessarily shot dead to save the life of a three year old child that had wandered into the gorilla’s enclosure. The consensus is that the gorilla had every right to live and it is a tragedy that he is dead. But the story of Harambe has made me think, what about animals that want to die? Progressives in this country are always pushing animal rights and right to die laws for human beings, but who will speak up for animals that want to end their own lives? I have to decided to take on this sure to be controversial idea to help my dog Cookie, who clearly wants to die, but is forced to continue living by a society obsessed with “doing the right thing” for dogs. Cookie is a mixed breed dog about 1.5 years old and she just wants to end her life.
According to the journal Science, dogs think about suicide 48 times a day and try to end their lives at least once per week, whether it’s chewing down on toys until they become choking hazards or running into traffic or “curiously approaching” dangerous animals. We have all added our own human spin on these behaviors, but they sometimes point to a clear desire to die. That is where Cookie’s story begins.
Cookie was found abandoned in a Kentucky trailer park, presumably giving up hope for the coal industry’s comeback that Donald Trump is promising. She was malnourished and full of mange. She was sent to a shelter with a high kill rate, but unfortunately for Cookie, her various breeds of dogs, none of which were Labrador or Golden Retriever made her look like a mixed breed golden lab puppy. So instead of being able to leave this cruel world her “golden privilege” led her to be saved by a Golden Retriever rescue organization. Less than 2 months later she was sent on a 14 hour van ride to NYC, which she has morbidly referred to as “The Middle Passage,” for her new life with me.
This is how Cookie greeted me in January. I thought she was "cute" but according to scientists, this look actually means "life is pain."
While in New York the hints came quickly and often. Constant urination in my apartment. She might as well have been Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator screaming “Kill Me!!!! Do it!!!! I’m heeeyaaaaaagghh!” But instead I selfishly sought advice on how to condition her behavior and the urination basically stopped.
I began to take Cookie to the local dog park. At first she humored me by playing with other dogs and running around for exercise. She even developed some solid muscle tone, but eventually she began to get bullied by other dogs and would often just retreat into a corner with a scared look on her face. Most people just “awwww”ed at her, but i started to realize what she was actually saying to me: “Please Kill Me.”
Cookie's lack of will to live led her to interrupt fu*k sessions at the dog park to disastrous resultsCookie in her suicide corner at the dog park
I didn’t want to believe at first, but then her messages became clearer. Her Thunder Jacket did nothing. Her face during bath time said “drown me” and all she would do was lie around all day, every day, often ignoring her toys. Then there was the day I caught her trying to choke herself to death by chewing on a tennis ball. I felt like Clint Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby at this point.
Cookie attempting to asphyxiate herself.
Then I woke up earlier this week and realized, what is more progressive and respectful of the wishes of an animal than to respect its wish to end its life respectfully? The messages have been clear and it would be selfish and cruel of me not to respect them. Just this morning I saw her chewing her own paw, and she often chases her own tail, as if to say, “If these humans won’t do it I will have to hunt myself down.” I am done fighting to preserve society’s old fashioned rules of who gets to decide when a dog should live or die. I stand up today for Cookie’s right to end it all. No more NYC traffic. No more cruel dogs at the dog park. No more treats and toys as opiates for the pain of a life not worth living anymore. As tragic as the death of Harambe was, I think the only thing worse would be letting an animal live that clearly wants to die. Donations for Cookie’s memorial service can be sent to jlstore@jlcauvin.com on paypal. Seeking to raise $10,000 to both honor her struggle and raise awareness for other animals who want to die with dignity. #DignifiedDeathForCookie on Twitter
Cookie practicing self-mutilation. A real cry for help that cannot be ignored.
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
I have been in Los Angeles for the last five days and it was a trip befitting my social media hashtag #ComedyMogul. I was making big media appearances, performing at stand up clubs and engineering deals with one of the biggest chain restaurants in the country. It was one of my most productive trips to the west coast ever, even though every plural in the proceeding sentence should actually be a singular. As I write this in an airport motel with plans soaring uncomfortably close every 10 minutes I am beaming with a sense of pride that I managed to crush it on the #1 podcast on iTunes, had a great set at a comedy club and filmed it and helped start a potential big deal between the Cheesecake Factory and a new craft beer, ALL while managing to earn exactly zero dollars while doing it all. This is what Black Twitter would call “Peak J-L.” So here is the recap you have been waiting for.
Saturday – The Gentlemen’s Lodge
My flight out was pretty uneventful. My legs felt good because I was in the Extra leg room seats (still unfair that in this day of trans bathrooms a tall man must pay extra to be in seats that fit) and I watched Daddy’s Home, a perfect airplane movie starring Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg (very funny throughout, not really sure why critics crushed it, but perfect way to pass 100 minutes on a cross country flight). I also had a 2 hour conversation with the woman sitting next to me, who happened to work for digital advertising for YouTube. We had a fun chat about politics, millennials, digital ads (I told her the kinds that I am most likely to watch – so now she has a good sample study of comedy moguls’preferences) and how I can help my content get more views. She said I should aim to get to 5000 subscribers because then I have access to YouTube studios. With just over 1500 subscribers at my current pace I asked her to reserve me some space in 2032 for me to record some killer content.
When we landed in LA I was greeted by my buddy Nick D. in his Mercedes and he drove me to my hotel in Studio City. Thanks to Hotwire.com I got a great deal at a place named The Gentlemen’s Lodge. I figured the great deal I got was based on the fact that in Los Angeles, a place called The Gentlemen’s Lodge would either be a far right enclave where conservatives hunted teenage boy and girl runaways for sexual sport or it would simply be an ironically named place where gay orgies were taking place. Well, it turns out it was just a normal hotel, despite the presence of kids named Harper and Brooklyn roaming the hallways. The rest of the day was uneventful as I prepared for a big next couple of days.
The Gentlemen's Lodge 4th floor (my floor) featured a quote from Bruce Springsteen's worst album for some reason
Sunday – Comedy Mogul Down!
I woke up at 4:45 am on Sunday because I never adjust well to the time zone change. But I felt energized and decided to get up and go for a run like I was the Rock sharing annoying Instagram workout pics. Around 5:45 I started jogging on a quiet and empty road. Feeling good, like I might be able to churn out a couple of extra miles I made the mistake of relaxing and feeling a moment of happiness. Just when those feelings infected me I tripped. I rarely trip. It’s sort of weird. I will sometimes have my foot catch on something and not trip either because of balance or gait or weight distribution but I rarely trip. Well, about ten years of never trips caught up in one epic fall. When I hit the ground I scraped my palms, busted open one of my knuckles, busted my knee wide open (it still has not scabbed yet 4 days later) and bruised (or worse) my ribs. I don’t even understand how I could have fallen only once and done that much damage to so many different body parts, but at my height maybe it’s like falling from a 2nd story window. Whatever the case I was basically a gimpy invalid the rest of the trip. But that didn’t stop me from heading to Flappers in Burbank that night.
My name in lightsLater in the month, Flappers will be headlining a comedian eve more relevant than me: Jake The Snake Roberts, a 1980s wrestler
Despite performing at 1:20 am east coast time I had a great set closing the side room at the club. Here is a quick clip of my new material about my dog Cookie. Enjoy:
Monday – Cage, Crushing Carolla & Cheesecake
Monday was celebrity day for me. When I limped to the Starbucks across the street from TGL I was on line next to the actor who plays Luke Cage (co-star of Netflix’ Jessica Jones and the start of his own Netflix series this Fall). We both played it cool, which was refreshing – just getting treated like a regular Starbucks customer and not a Comedy Mogul.
That afternoon I headed to Carolla Studios and had a great appearance (best one of the 6 I have made). You can listen to the episode here and also watch my new Carolla sketch video I made for the show:
But the biggest thing I did had nothing to do with comedy. Ryan is the manager at the Pasadena Cheesecake Factory and a big fan of The Adam Carolla Show. My friend’s girlfriend is a waitress there and when Ryan found out last year that I was the guy that did the impressions on Carolla I began to see my bills shrink exponentially at the Cheesecake Factory. As the second biggest regular celebrity at the Pasadena Factory (Terry Crews currently holds the #1 spot) I wanted to give back and show my appreciation for being treated so well. And it turns out that a few hours before I went on the air I learned that Ryan was hoping to get Adam Carolla’s new craft beer into the Pasadena Factory (yes I am aware that calling The Cheesecake Factory, “The Factory,” is hugely douchey). So on air I brought up the idea of Adam getting his Endless Rant IPA into the PCF and the idea was a hit with him and later his producers when I connected them to Ryan. So now in addition to #ComedyMogul I am also a budding #CheesecakeMogul. I have never read Trump’s The Art of the Deal, but I am pretty sure I just wrote the sequel in Pasadena.
Salted caramel cheesecake - one of my 2 free pieces of cheesecake during the week
Tuesday & Wednesday – Sun, More Cheesecake & 2 Nicks
Tuesday was the only full day I had to soak up some Sun because, like The Nothing in The Neverending Story, dark cluds metaphorically and literally follow me. After getting a little darker I then headed back to the Cheesecake Factory to get more free food and to soak up Ryan’s praise since he had now heard the deal get sealed on air, along with his name said on the air. I then ended the evening watching CNN in bed because I was too sleep to check out some LA shows. I fell asleep at 9:45pm local #RockStarLife
Wednesday was uneventful – met up with my buddy Nick Cobb and met his infant daughter (I asked her if she could put in a good word with me at MTV2) and completed my trip goal of hanging with only two different friends in LA and having them both be named Nick. Now I am about to go to sleep in my Super 8 Motel with jets lodly flying overhead. Can’t wait to get back to NYC and earn some money doing legal work, but to be fair this was as good an unpaid trip as I could hope to have. Hoping some good things materialize in the next few weeks, but hopefully they don’t pay. #KingOfAllUnpaidMedia
The view from my airport motel. #Blessed #HumbleBrag #WaingroFromHeatStayedHere
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
After consulting himself, reviewing all the words he knows and DVR-ing all the Sunday shows, Donald Trump has come to the conclusion that of the all the names on his short list for Vice President, Donald Trump is the clear best choice. “The main thing you want in a Vice President is someone who can be President, if God forbid, something were to happen to me that wasn’t terrific. And by that measure, there’s no one more presidential than me. I mean, I’m really terrific and so presidential. Tremendous presidential qualities.” Among the reasons he also cited was that despite putting together “the greatest list of VP choices you’ve ever seen,” none passed his litmus test of “are they as good or close to as good at great things as me.”
His final five choices, which were kept quiet so that a proper “tremendously great vetting” could occur in secret, were a diverse group:
Suge Knight made the final five, because of his “great blackness,” “his name rhymes with ‘huge'” (it doesn’t) and “business leadership credentials – really a take no nonsense kind of guy,” but was eliminated because “he lost out on Dr. Dre and Beats headphones and I would never allow that.” When asked if Knight’s prison time affected his decision Trump replied, “You can do amazing things with technology and I don’t need my VP in any particular place, so no – it had nothing to do with it. Martin Luther King Jr. was in prison, and I’m not saying Suge is MLK, but he’s a strong black and a leader so no, it had nothing to do with.”
Admiral James Stockdale made the list because he was the last VP candidate of an insurgent/third party candidate (Ross Perot) to gain any real national traction. “Great military guy, I mean one of the best, Patton, Eisenhower, Schwarzkopf and Stockdale are my Mount Rushmore of great military people,” said Trump of Stockdale, who passed away in 2005. “Alive, dead, who cares – Stockdale has more energy than Jeb Bush – that I guarantee it, but in the end it turns out he was captured during Vietnam and I think that sends tremendous weakness to our enemies, so I had to get rid of him.”
Chris Christie was also on the list of finalists. The absentee governor of New Jersey has been acting like Trump’s verbal Luca Brasi on the campaign trail and has a record of leadership. “Probably the best governor we’ve ever had in this country, truly great,” gushed Trump. “But he is a fat pig and I cannot digest my food around him. I mean it’s like watching Rosie O’Donnell have sex to look at him and if I can’t eat, I love to eat – I’m a terrific eater, then how can I lead, so Chris is a great friend, good guy, horrible, disgusting man. Can’t pick him.”
Ivanka Trump rounded out the final five, which was not much of a surprise considering how much trust Trump has shown her in business dealings. “I mean listen to that voice. She sounds like a phone sex operator, but instead of being some fat pig or phone bank in Mumbai – I love the Indian people, do a lot of business there, but come on – phone banks should be in America; it’s a disgrace – she looks like as hot as she sounds. She can close business deals with her brain or with her body – really terrific young woman.” But in the end Trump couldn’t pick his daughter for one major reason. “She’s too hot. I mean we all saw what happened to Bill Clinton, I mean a real scumbag, when he had mediocre women around him in the White House. Ivanka is a guaranteed sex scandal if she is too close to me all the time. It’s not PC, but the fact is she is beautiful and I want to be faithful to Melania before I divorce her for her 50th birthday.”
So there it is, Donald Trump, after a wide ranging, thorough search has decided that a Donald Trump-Donald Trump ticket is what will make America great again.
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
As the 2016 presidential race has finally begun to take final form, it is clear that Donald Trump will represent the GOP, barring a miracle or apocalyptic event (still a 20% chance of this) in Cleveland, and Hillary Clinton will win the Democratic nomination, despite the fuzzy, faith-based math of Bernie Sanders’ supporters. People are correctly predicting this match-up will produce a truly disgusting level of discourse, 99% of it probably coming from Donald Trump. But as a Clinton supporter (but I also donated to Bernie Sanders too!!!!) I am worried by her stump speech. She is clearly more competent, experienced and even-tempered than Trump, but then again so are Bobby Knight, Mike Tyson and Bruce Banner. But Hillary is too scripted and uninspiring in her stump speeches and when she does attack it often feels uninspired. That is why I am offering my advice (and services) to the Clinton campaign. Donald Trump is an Internet troll with a $10 billion budget and who better to battle trolls and a cash deficit than a struggling comedian with a “solid” YouTube presence?! So here is my real advice for Hillary Clinton on how to approach The Donald and how to engage and debate The Donald.
Although your crowd liked your “If playing the woman’s card means equal pay, control of our bodies (paraphrasing here)… THEN DEAL. ME. IN.” I cringed. Not because it wasn’t a good line, but because I knew you would use it 30,000 times in the next two weeks in the same robotic cadence. Good lines take good writing and good delivery. This is why the GOP voters hate Ted Cruz. he may be smarter than Trump, but he debates and speaks like he is trying to win high school student council while Trump sounds like a guy holding court at a bar. Secretary Clinton, you are a policy wonk, tough and smart. Embrace that. Stop trying to come up with Larry The Cable Guy catch phrases (because they seem stale when you deliver them). Be strong and smart and leave the catch phrases to TrusTed Cruz.
2) If a voter is “undecided” between you and DONALD TRUMP… fu*k ’em; they’re already lost
You have one mission from this point on – robust endorsements and campaigning from President Obama and Bernie Sanders. If someone is actually “deciding” between you and Trump then count them as Trump voters or non-voters. On this point I think you are doing well. His voters are like a racist version of Leonidas in the film 300, minus the abs and honor. “Racist… racist? THIS IS TRUMP!!!!” You just need to focus on minorities, women and as much of Obama’s coalition as possible. Don’t try to “win” support from Trump people or “on the fence people.” Please. It will probably end up looking gross to people on the left who may be on the Bernie-Hillary fence, which is a group you can still court with some success.
3) Do not engage in Trump’s game
Hollywood is in love with nerds right now, but in politics and Middle America, the rich jock is still king. So do not try to engage in insults with him. Everyone who has tried has failed. Not because Trump is so quick, but because he has no moral basement. Jeb Bush had the single best line in a debate to insult Trump when he suggested that Trump got his foreign policy knowledge from Saturday morning cartoons. Unfortunately, by then it was after 8 weeks of brutal beatings at the hands of Trump and too late to do any damage. Rubio went insult comic and he dropped out 2 weeks later. Though I have one exception -if he goes after your marriage hint at his 3 marriages. If he goes deeper than say your marriage is not perfect, which is well documented, but you were committed to working on it. This turns a weak personal moment into a narrative of never giving up and commitment that clearly Trump doesn’t possess, but you would never have to explicitly go after Melania Trump.
4) Debate like Trump Is Irrelevant
Al Gore got into trouble for sighing and being dismissive of George W. Bush in 2000. I know this is dangerous, but Trump is not and will not be competent or informed enough to actually debate you. Turn “debates” with Trump into discussions on policy and experience with the moderator(s) and American public. If he insults you in an irrelevant way, treat it like a child farted. An unpleasant hiccup during an adult discussion. Draw the contrast to people to know that if they don’t vote for you, an angry, bloated child will have his fingers on the button. You are not trying to win over Trump voters. You will simply highlight that one person is competent and knowledgeable and one isn’t. If insults are his best points, your insistence on being issue driven will make him look more and more absurd. Remember, Trump has not been in any 1 on 1 debates and you can expose him easily if you treat them like policy seminars. You cannot win the personality match with him, so don’t try with catch phrases or overly-prepared quips.
5) Admit What Some People Don’t Like About You AKA The 8 Mile Technique
Admit you aren’t likeable to some people. Admit that 25 years of being a target of the GOP has made you guarded and sometimes off putting. Not as some “people don’t like strong women” talking point, but as a reality of your personality and life. But emphasize that those flaws are not a reason to vote for a blustery carnival barker and caution does not make you a liar or “crooked.” In other words, do the 69 year old white politician version of B-Rabbit:
6) Share This Donald Trump Infomercial:
My fee for this excellent advice is to simply help my Trump video go viral. You’re welcome.
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
So this past week I was performing in Cleveland, Ohio, one of my favorite cities and one of my three potential permanent residences within the next 18 months (the options are A) New York – because if it is broken, why bother to fix it; B) LA – because there are more opportunities for industry to ignore me or C) Cleveland – because I like it, it’s cheap and the only worse thing than wasting 13 years of your life doing comedy is to do it for another 13, so might as well pack it in and enjoy as much real estate as your money can afford). The week was chock full of adventures, discoveries and fun so might as well get into it.
13 Hours on Amtrak
Considering the fact that I have been very busy this year with full time legal work, triple the amount of road work I had all of 2015 within the first 3 1/2 months of 2016 (a good thing, but also shows just how terrible my 2015 was) and a new dog stressing me out occasionally, I have not had a lot of time or energy to do anything with my girlfriend besides Netflix and Pass Out. So I figured I would book some emcee work in Cleveland and make it a 4 day trip. Not knowing if the feature would be using the comedy condo (of course once I paid for 4 nights in a hotel, the JLComedy Law* is that the condo would go unused by the feature, which it did) I booked a Comfort Inn in downtown Cleveland for a rate so cheap on Hotwire.com that I assumed a disaster loomed.
*JLComedy Law is like Murphy’s Law, except only half Irish and a lot worse when applied to trying to turn a profit from comedy endeavors.
I also convinced my girlfriend to take the 12.5 hour Amtrak ride from NYC to Cleveland (at the convenient time of 3:30pm, arriving in Cleveland at 3:27 am), because it is a “nice ride” and “quite cheap.” Let me put it to you this way – if you have a chick who does this with you and doesn’t complain she is not only a ride or die chick, she is potentially a ride AND die chick (two seats behind us for the second half of the train trip was a man with more than half his face and neck tattooed – the 4 types of people who take Amtrak more than 6 hours are 1) felons 2) illegal immigrants 3) morbidly obese 4) overly qualified comedy emcees) .
I looked up the Comfort Inn before leaving work and noticed that several of the pictures featured rooms with 2 double beds, as well as tube TVs (or as the headliner I would soon meet, Tone Bell put it, “the TVs with the asses” so I figured I may have gotten a hot rate of 50% off the room rate, but it still might feel like I got robbed. This was running through my mind as we traveled all the way North through northern and then western New York. We lost time in Albany so the train could change engines there (from electric to diesel or something like that) because our train industry is still stuck in different era. We ended up arriving in Cleveland at 4:05 am feeling like human experiments at the CDC. We made our way into the Comfort Inn and were greeted by a friendly, heavy set black woman, straight out of central casting, who saw us with out bags making it through the doors and began asking our names while still struggling with the suitcases in the doorway. To her credit she never gave us any eye contact during our entire exchange, so I applaud her commitment to the character.
Dawn at the Comfort Inn and the Cleveland St. Law School in downtown Cleveland
God Bless The GOP Convention
When we made it to our floor we noticed that the carpet on our half of the floor was new and when we got into our room it had a king sized bed, a newly furnished bathroom and a flat screen TV!! We then passed out for a healthy 4 hours of Amtrak filth covered sleep, breathing in the Subway bread air that penetrated the room since we were directly above a Subway restaurant. #BreatheFresh
As it turned out, this hotel was clearly undergoing renovations for the rush of taxphobic whores, religious nuts and Klan members that will descend upon Cleveland in July for the GOP Convention. For the hell of it I looked up hotels the week of the convention. Hotels.com reported 167 hotels WITHOUT availability that week and the only hotel within 15 miles of the city center with availability was a 2 star hotel charging $340 a night. This same hotel’s rate next week, for point of comparison? $96. So perhaps if the convention were taking place elsewhere I would have been sleeping in a semen stained, TV with ass-having room filled with police caution tape, but thanks to the GOP I stayed in a 2 star hotel with 3.5 star upgrades.
The Sights
Needless to say, my girlfriend and I spent our first day in Cleveland at the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. I am a member of the museum (a guest and I can get into the museum for free for the next 4 years thanks to my generous donation #PatronOfTheArtsMogul and I get 10% off all purchases #ComedyMogul) so we walked in and I got a member wrist band, while my girlfriend was given a wristband for non-members. #MembershipMogul
The next day we went to a new restaurant at the Westin hotel (where staff followed us around because they could smell Comfort Inn/Subway on our clothing) called Urban Farmer (it’s theme is a black farmer called Ol’ DaeMcDonald) and it was delicious! My girlfriend made it her business to force me out of my usual shitty routine of chain restaurants by becoming a human Fodor’s guide to Cleveland. The food was great (and she let me off the hook by choosing lunch – dinner prices were like NY Steak House prices, but lunch prices were like Cleveland lunch prices). We then saw The Jungle Book, which I reviewed in beautiful (and windy) downtown Cleveland:
The next day (Saturday), my girlfriend’s last day in town, we went bowling on E. 4th Street, which is sort of the hip/hipster area of town with several new restaurants. We bowled (I racked up a career high 148 in one game – not too bad for someone who has bowled less than 10 times in his life and never more than once in a two year period) and then left for an early dinner. We tried to eat at a brand new bar-b-q restaurant, recently opened up by one of the 377 celebrity chefs on TV, but the wait was 1 hour and 45 minutes… at 430pm. So we went across to a restaurant that looked promising, despite the communal tables, which always spell some horeshit dining “experience” gimmick. The restaurant’s food was tasty, but they promised family style. Well, when we sat down our waitress told us that it was tapas style. I asked her if I looked like a trendy bitch from Manhattan because I came in here for Midwestern family style, not big city skank tapas! She recommended we order several things which we did, only to realize that Midwestern tapas doesn’t really mean many small dishes; it means many large dishes. But I learned a valuable lesson in food marketing – if you call something pizza you can charge $10, but if you call it a “flatbread” you can charge $14.
A picture of me in front of the Cleveland Convention Center, before Cruz and Trump supporters burn it down in July
The Shows: Work Work Work and a Killer Headliner
Emceeing shows at the Cleveland Improv is work. It is not always fun. It is not always comedy. But it is always work. You are competing with 10% of the crowd coming late, 33% of the crowd talking for half your set, etc. Your job is not to warm them up, but to gather their attention. It is basically like a combination of being Jesus Christ on the cross while telling a Black Lives Matter rally to disperse: sacrificial and unwanted. Well, as of this writing (Sunday evening before the final show) I have had 4 good sets and one horror show (I am talking to you late show Friday), which I consider a huge win/upset. And, instead of looking at the week as a massive loss of money for comedy work, I have framed it as a mini vacation where the Cleveland Improv is paying for me and my girlfriend’s hotel. Glass half full sort of thinking.
But the real revelation for me this weekend was the headliner Tone Bell.
When you see a name that you are not too familiar with you can make several assumptions. Maybe this guy is just some rising MTV type star with great PR and a mediocre act. Or maybe he is a niche, urban act who has not crossed over (he is black). Or maybe he is a really good comic who is under the radar. Well I didn’t know what to expect, but the dude is hilarious. He is an Atlanta-born comedian and he flows easily with urban vernacular, but doesn’t present the animated delivery found frequently at clubs like the Cleveland Improv. He walks a middle line, not with middle of the road mediocre comedy, but in terms of his delivery and sensibility. He legitimately had me LOL-ing for most of his set, as well as quoting his jokes throughout the weekend to my girlfriend. For all of you who paint me unfairly with the “hater” brush, you will at least take my praise of him seriously. But the guy’s potential for breakout stardom had me thinking of Gary Owen and Sebastian Maniscalco. Not his style, but his potential to have broad appeal at the comedy club level (he is already a working actor). So if you see Tone Bell coming to a city near you I give it the official Righteous Prick recommendation.
While at the club I also got to bid a potential Cleveland farewell to Lee Herlands, my favorite club manager in the country. He will be leaving Cleveland for the east coast, but rather than explain why I am a fan of his, feel free to check out one of my favorite podcast episodes of all time when I chatted with him in 2014.
So it is time to head to the club for the final show of the week before I hop on my 5:50 am train back to NYC on Monday morning, but I hope to be back in Cleveland soon. Maybe for a lot longer than 4 days. And in case you are wondering, my pup Cookie is in the care of a friend of my girlfriend and she is already taking ass shots like a teenage girl from the Bronx without my strong paternal influence over her:
Cookie, you are too young to pose for photos like that!
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
Organic. Fair trade. Conflict free. Non GMO. The terms for healthy and environmentally conscious decisions seem to grow exponentially. But for all of our society’s concerns about how our food is treated one industry has lagged far behind: pornography. No one seems to ask or care about how porn stars are treated before entering porn or if their upbringing or experiences contributed to their decision to do porn. Well John Stern, CEO of Organic Porn, a new production company that sets out to only use humanely treated and raised adult film stars. Will this change the adult industry? Only time will tell. But here is Stern describing his bold new venture:
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
In a bombshell announcement sure to swing the remaining 9 comedians who have not declared their allegiance to Bernie Sanders, living comedy deity Louis CK has announced that he will begin posting on social media an incessant number of blog posts and opinion pieces supporting Bernie Sanders. Like many comedians, CK will share pieces from the Washington Times, Fox News and the NY Post, publications usually considered anathema to liberals in comedy, when those publications post about how terrible a person and candidate Hillary Clinton is. He will also begin sharing memes comparing Bernie to Martin Luther King, Jr. and will become an avid sharer of the incredibly objective Huffington Post.
But always an innovator and supporter of comedians, CK will also make his official endorsement in a room of 400 women in comedy, ranging from comedians to former comedians to women who once posted a funny comment on a tumblr page. And they will all be announcing their support for Black Lives Matter after the endorsement from CK, in an effort to ensure maximum saturation and manipulation of Facebook’s algorithms.
CK has also announced that he plans stay home and not vote, but will declare Hillary corrupt and blame super delegates when Bernie gets fewer votes than Hillary Clinton in the NY primary.
For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast oniTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!
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