Some Thoughts & Questions on Derek Jeter’s Wedding

Since I have nothing substantive or critical to say today (to quote Curly from City Slickers, “Day ain’t over yet.”) I began the day ruminating on the announced nuptials of Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly (formerly of Friday Night Lights, now will be know as “wife of Derek Jeter”).

He just won the world series - what could possibly make him look so serious- oh, sorry Minka, didn't see you there.
He just won the world series - what could possibly make him look so serious- oh, sorry Minka, didn't see you there.

First question, is A Rod going to be invited?  And will he attempt to either interrupt the vows, the first dance or give an unrequested toast?  Or will A Rod, a la the 1985 HBO daytime classic Just One Of The Guys, reveal before the wedding that he is a woman and is in love with Jeter, prompting Jeter to cry out,”Where the hell do you come off having tits?”

A sad end to A Rod and Jeter's relationship
A sad end to A Rod and Jeter's relationship

Second, is Tim Riggins going to show up to the wedding drunk?

Third, along the Friday Night Lights theme again, are the going t have W. G. Snuffy Walden do  the music for the wedding?  He has penned the scores to Friday Night Lights and the West Wing and he has a funny name so I thought it would be cool.

Fourth, I assume Jeter has undergone significant STD testing.  If only for the bacteria carried by Rachel Uchitel.  Don’t want to write out Lyla Garrrity because she has gonnorhea (write her out because she is annoying, but not because of sexually transmitted diseases).

Fifth will they finally stop showing Jeter’s parents on television during games like he is some bright eyed 19 year old new to the city and start showing the roster of all the metaphorical soil he has tilled since coming to NYC?

"There are Jeter's parents - what a nice couple... Now which Hooters girl did their son donkey punch last night?"
"There are Jeter's parents - what a nice couple... Now which Hooters girl did their son donkey punch last night?"

Sixth, does this also mean that Jeter can no longer be our society’s new standard for moral leadership since he banged hundreds of women while not being married (seriously this is the bar we’ve been left with)?  Now that he is married I assume the Tiger watch will be on and the TMZ mentality of our culture will be waiting to see him slip up.  Which will once again leave Obama as my girlfriend’s only reassurance that half black dudes can be trusted in relationships.

Seventh, does Joe Torre sit with the Steinbrenners at the wedding?  Awkward.

Eighth – title for Minka Kelly’s memoir -“Right Place, Right Time: How To Marry A Millionaire Athlete  When You Look Pretty And His Dick Is Tired Of Fu-king Everyone.”  The foreword could be written by Khloe Kardashian’s ass.

Good luck Derek and Minka, in all seriousness I am pretty confident you will make it.*

 

*Make it = 5 years of marriage.

3 COMMENTS
  • Matteson
    Reply

    Three things interesting about this marriage:

    1.) I love friday night lights and have always thought Minka Kelly was extremely attractive, but given her annoying character on the show and lack of outstanding acting talent, I assumed she wouldn’t be a very interesting person, but this marriage thing makes me reconsider. Jeter is one of the great bachelors of our time and out of the dozens of top notch women he’s dated, he’s chosen to settle down with her. This is like a restaurant critic deciding to eat at only one restaurant, like Ebert choosing his favorite all time movie, like Clooney’s character in Up in the Air telling you the best airline – it’s says something significant. Is she extremely awesome? Is she terrific in bed? Is she even more beautiful in person? Has he decided he’s topped out with her? Does this means she’s the hottest girl on earth? I’m intrigued.

    2.) Jeter is completely ignoring the lessons of Tiger woods. Given his debacle, if I were a top notch celebrity/athlete that liked to Tomcat around, there’s no way I’m getting married anywhere near my prime. When Jeter goes back on the road next year and he’s running into the super hot groupies he used to bang in every town, how hard is it going to be to resist.

    3.) I think this move will give John Mayer the edge in the “plowing through hot celebrity chicks” department, which pains me to no end.

    1. J-L Cauvin
      Reply

      I feel this is Jeter’s subconscious on Mink Kelly: you are attractive enough given my roster, I only have a few years left on top and I just saw Up In The Air and don’t want that to happen to me, so marry me you pretty cool, pretty hot chick.

      And on John Mayer – let’s not forget who is really to blame for that monster: women. Without chicks, John Mayer would just be a talented, singer song-writer with poor choices in body art, Joe Cocker-like faces when he sings and stealing stage time from comics at the Comedy Cellar.

  • Matteson
    Reply

    It’s very surprising that you found a way to blame women. That’s unlike you.

    Also, instead of your theory on why he chose her, I’m going to continue to believe she has a magical vagina that grants wishes.

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