Since I have nothing substantive or critical to say today (to quote Curly from City Slickers, “Day ain’t over yet.”) I began the day ruminating on the announced nuptials of Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly (formerly of Friday Night Lights, now will be know as “wife of Derek Jeter”).
First question, is A Rod going to be invited? And will he attempt to either interrupt the vows, the first dance or give an unrequested toast? Or will A Rod, a la the 1985 HBO daytime classic Just One Of The Guys, reveal before the wedding that he is a woman and is in love with Jeter, prompting Jeter to cry out,”Where the hell do you come off having tits?”
Second, is Tim Riggins going to show up to the wedding drunk?
Third, along the Friday Night Lights theme again, are the going t have W. G. Snuffy Walden do the music for the wedding? He has penned the scores to Friday Night Lights and the West Wing and he has a funny name so I thought it would be cool.
Fourth, I assume Jeter has undergone significant STD testing. If only for the bacteria carried by Rachel Uchitel. Don’t want to write out Lyla Garrrity because she has gonnorhea (write her out because she is annoying, but not because of sexually transmitted diseases).
Fifth will they finally stop showing Jeter’s parents on television during games like he is some bright eyed 19 year old new to the city and start showing the roster of all the metaphorical soil he has tilled since coming to NYC?
Sixth, does this also mean that Jeter can no longer be our society’s new standard for moral leadership since he banged hundreds of women while not being married (seriously this is the bar we’ve been left with)? Now that he is married I assume the Tiger watch will be on and the TMZ mentality of our culture will be waiting to see him slip up. Which will once again leave Obama as my girlfriend’s only reassurance that half black dudes can be trusted in relationships.
Seventh, does Joe Torre sit with the Steinbrenners at the wedding? Awkward.
Eighth – title for Minka Kelly’s memoir -“Right Place, Right Time: How To Marry A Millionaire Athlete When You Look Pretty And His Dick Is Tired Of Fu-king Everyone.” The foreword could be written by Khloe Kardashian’s ass.
Good luck Derek and Minka, in all seriousness I am pretty confident you will make it.*
*Make it = 5 years of marriage.