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Some Thoughts & Questions on Derek Jeter’s Wedding

Since I have nothing substantive or critical to say today (to quote Curly from City Slickers, “Day ain’t over yet.”) I began the day ruminating on the announced nuptials of Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly (formerly of Friday Night Lights, now will be know as “wife of Derek Jeter”).

He just won the world series - what could possibly make him look so serious- oh, sorry Minka, didn't see you there.
He just won the world series - what could possibly make him look so serious- oh, sorry Minka, didn't see you there.

First question, is A Rod going to be invited?  And will he attempt to either interrupt the vows, the first dance or give an unrequested toast?  Or will A Rod, a la the 1985 HBO daytime classic Just One Of The Guys, reveal before the wedding that he is a woman and is in love with Jeter, prompting Jeter to cry out,”Where the hell do you come off having tits?”

A sad end to A Rod and Jeter's relationship
A sad end to A Rod and Jeter's relationship

Second, is Tim Riggins going to show up to the wedding drunk?

Third, along the Friday Night Lights theme again, are the going t have W. G. Snuffy Walden do  the music for the wedding?  He has penned the scores to Friday Night Lights and the West Wing and he has a funny name so I thought it would be cool.

Fourth, I assume Jeter has undergone significant STD testing.  If only for the bacteria carried by Rachel Uchitel.  Don’t want to write out Lyla Garrrity because she has gonnorhea (write her out because she is annoying, but not because of sexually transmitted diseases).

Fifth will they finally stop showing Jeter’s parents on television during games like he is some bright eyed 19 year old new to the city and start showing the roster of all the metaphorical soil he has tilled since coming to NYC?

"There are Jeter's parents - what a nice couple... Now which Hooters girl did their son donkey punch last night?"
"There are Jeter's parents - what a nice couple... Now which Hooters girl did their son donkey punch last night?"

Sixth, does this also mean that Jeter can no longer be our society’s new standard for moral leadership since he banged hundreds of women while not being married (seriously this is the bar we’ve been left with)?  Now that he is married I assume the Tiger watch will be on and the TMZ mentality of our culture will be waiting to see him slip up.  Which will once again leave Obama as my girlfriend’s only reassurance that half black dudes can be trusted in relationships.

Seventh, does Joe Torre sit with the Steinbrenners at the wedding?  Awkward.

Eighth – title for Minka Kelly’s memoir -“Right Place, Right Time: How To Marry A Millionaire Athlete  When You Look Pretty And His Dick Is Tired Of Fu-king Everyone.”  The foreword could be written by Khloe Kardashian’s ass.

Good luck Derek and Minka, in all seriousness I am pretty confident you will make it.*

 

*Make it = 5 years of marriage.

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Stuff I’ve Been Watching

In keeping with today’s cultural trend I will provide some random and short quips today on television (I have been watching more because the book I am reading on Robert Oppenheimer is sort of heavy – side note – is it possible that if Mel Gibson were sober he might have meant to say “Jews End All The Wars” – based on how many were involved with creating the Atomic Bomb?):

I have seen documentaries on Rwandan genocide that made me laugh more than the debut of Saturday Night Live.  Lorne Michaels needs more black friends because maybe he is looking for their permission to fire Keenan Thompson.  That guy has taken more jobs from deserving black people than segregation and Jim Crow.

Fred Armisen does such a bad Obama impression that Secret Service should arrest him.

Did Lorne Michaels know that these men were ruining comedy and if so, when did he know it?
Did Lorne Michaels know that these men were ruining comedy and if so, when did he know it?

Bill Hader of SNL is extremely funny.  His Kieth Morrison alone almost makes watching SNL worth it.

Friday Night Lights is a great show (re-joined Netflix to catch up on some shows that I have heard are great – Breaking Bad is on the list).  So of course it has terrible ratings.   it is odd to me that a show featuring good looking young people and football could not be a success.  It is as if America is collectively saying – give us shallow things, but don’t you dare deliver them to us in anything that could be called high quality.

If Modern Family can keep up the pace from its pilot then it will be the best comedy on television not named Eastbound & Down.

I watched a 5 part mini series on Sundance called Brick City, on Corey Booker and his attempt to change Newark, NJ.  I am now working on a Corey Booker impression and once I have perfected it one of two things will happen: Corey Booker will not get re-elected and will fade into obscurity, or he will gain an even higher national profile and then Fred Armisen will do an impression of Corey Booker that is so bad, it will make his Obama look good.

Part 2 of my comedy tour entitled: Impersonating Light Skinned and/or Half Black Politicians. that's right Harold Ford Jr - you're next!
Part 2 of my comedy tour entitled: Impersonating Light Skinned and/or Half Black Politicians. that's right Harold Ford Jr - you're next!

The Cleveland Show was not good.

Family Guy premier was great.

Glee started strong, but I think it will fade, only bolstered by religious-like support from women and gays.

Cougar Town – see Glee, but eliminate the started strong part.  And the term Cougar is really just a brilliant re-branding of “she’s kind of old, but yeah, I’d probably fu-k her?”

I have only seen 4 episodes of Jay Leno’s show, but only Jim Norton stood out to me as exceptional.

Bored To Death, Entourage and Curb Your Enthusiasm provide a nice HBO Sunday night.

At 4 pm, if not at the gym or sitting at my desk staring at the wall, I prefer Ellen to Oprah.

On Saturday will be the 2 year anniversary of my appearance on Craig Ferguson (my national television debut).  Since then, based on travel expenses, web expenses and gigs I have made about -$450 dollars from comedy.   My comedy career feels like the final third of a Behind The Music special; the downfall part, but without the awesome rise and hedonism that precedes it.

Voice of Behind The Music narrator: October 3, 2007 seemed like comedy was working out, but little did J-L know that was all about to change.  Next after commercial.
Voice of Behind The Music narrator: October 3, 2007 seemed like comedy was working out, but little did J-L know that was all about to change. Next after commercial.