Baseball is reeling from its latest performance enhancing drug (PED) scandal, but if there is a silver lining to it is that baseball gets to use Alex Rodriguez as a scapegoat and effectively try to punish him for his own failings as well as those of Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire and everyone else they failed to catch because baseball was awesome when those guys were killing the ball. Also, a bunch of people who cheat on their significant others, their taxes and are generally of mediocre character – AKA the American people – get to crucify Alex Rodriguez for a deluxe serving of schadenfreude. But this seems useless on so many levels. A-Rod is clearly not a great player anymore anyway and baseball is a sport no longer suited for our times – it is long, boring and thanks to a crackdown on PEDs, not exciting anymore, except when the latest fraud is exposed. However, my favorite sport, basketball, is at Jordan era-level popularity, so it should come as no shock that an unnamed NBA player has been linked to the Biogenesis clinic in Coral Gables, FL. After racking my brain I have come up with 10 NBA people who are most likely to be the unnamed player. Some of these names hurt me to put on the list; some delighted me, but this is it:
10. JJ Reddick – any guy with a contract with a woman to get an abortion is of suspect moral character. Combine that with a Duke pedigree and you have a certified piece of sh*t. As baseball taught us – it is not always the star who becomes great through PED usage, but rather the marginal player who secures his marginal place through drugs. He also played for the Orlando Magic who had both Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu who were busted for PED.
9. Tony Parker – any guy who bangs his teammate’s wife is always on my list for bad stuff. Sure, he is not buff, but he is an Energizer bunny of energy and facing increasing pressure to carry the load for the Spurs.
8. Amar’e Stoudemire – constant injuries, a big contract to live up to and most likely Jewish relatives in Miami all give Amar’e a reason to go down to Coral Cables for some anti-aging medications.
7. Lebron James – The man plays in Miami, is a physical freak and is the greatest athlete on the planet not named Usain Bolt. As much as it pains me to have him on the list he has to be considered a suspect. However, even if he is linked to the clinic he may very well have been picking up anti-aging materials for his long lost father Greg Oden, who recently joined the Heat as part of a Father-Son program.
6. Serge Ibaka – look at the picture. No further discussion.
5. Derek Fisher – a man who duped two cities so he could join championship contenders cannot be trusted. Plus he is old. Plus an ex girlfriend of mine once referred to him simply as “arms.”
4. Dwyane Wade – plays in Miami like Lebron, but a friend of mine whose cousin is a starting small forward in the NBA told me that Wade was an HGH user. Gave his wife an STD. The only reason he is not higher on the list or #1 is because of the incredible cases to be made for the top 3.
3. Dwight Howard – the greatest shoulders in the NBA may be fake. Dwight is sort of a petulant bitch, vain (wanted to be a Hollywood star more than the Lakers center) and, like Reddick, was a member of the PED tainted Orlando Magic.
2. Kobe Bryant – the Mamba. Played some of his best basketball in his 17th season, has offered A-Rod advice in the past, goes to Germany for magical knee treatments in the off season and is saying he may be ready many months ahead of schedule from an achilles tear. The only thing Kobe is missing is a Dominican cousin carrying his luggage to be guilty of PED usage. But like many things about Kobe, he cannot surpass his master.
1. Michael Jordan – He is 50 years old, bitter and angry about his failings as a GM and is always fueling rumors that he could still play in the NBA at 50. MJ would take PEDs to win a shooting drill against players on his Charlotte franchise and he would never let Kobe be more famous or successful than him, even if it was for a sports scandal.