The NBA locker room was the most flamboyant place I’d ever been. Guys flaunted their perfect bodies. They bragged about sexual exploits. They primped in front of the mirror, applying cologne and hair gel by the bucketful. They tried on each other’s $10,000 suits, admired each other’s rings and necklaces. It was an intense camaraderie that felt completely natural to them. Surveying the room, I couldn’t help chuckling to myself: And I’m the gay one. – John Amechi

The above quote is from a former NBA journeyman center and the first NBA player to come out publicly as gay a little under a decade ago (after his career was over).  This blog post will not be about gay athletes, but I did think it tangentially highlights the absurdity of what I am writing about today.  The NBA had a fashion show this weekend as part of their All Star Weekend festivities (I did not watch). And with the All Stars of the NBA in NYC, there were several ads in the newspaper featuring prominent NBA stars doing appearances at places like Bloomingdale’s (James Harden) and Ermenegildo Zegna (Carmelo Anthony) to name a couple.  Over the last decade the media has increased its love affair with NBA players showing an interest in fashion like it makes them modern day Bill Bradleys.  My question is, when did fashion stop being the hallmark of one-dimensional stupid people?  I mean at least Modern Family gets it right that the dumb daughter is more of an idiot savant when it comes to fashion, instead of it being one impressive arrow in her quiver of diverse talents.

Disclaimer – I am not “fashionable.”  I wear a lot of sweatshirts and flannel.  My sneakers are usually New Balance.  I have close to a dozen Jos. A Bank suits, which if you have seen their commercials mean I only actually paid for half a suit and got 11.5 free.  But something has shifted.  When did fashion become a real pursuit outside of dumb chicks and gay men?  I am obviously being flippant on purpose to make a point.  Of course I know what it looks like when someone is wearing a great suit (I own mirrors) and I am aware when a woman is wearing something great or awful on the Oscars red carpet.  But fashion in general, and more specifically with athletes, has begun to feel like a modern day version of the Emperor’s New Clothes.

NBA players are more concerned than ever with their “brand.”  I preferred the 1980s and 1990s when only Michael Jordan had a brand because he was the best and a villain to all the other fan bases in the NBA.  Everyone else was about their team, had a modest shoe deal and would not be afraid to punch and tackle a friend on another team.  Larry Bird was not interested in showing the world how diverse a man he was because he was too busy practicing his jumper and icing his back.  Charles Barkley was not holding his tongue and wearing rimless glasses and a fedora at press conferences.  John Stockton showed up wearing polo shirts and khakis as if he were modeling Calvin Klein’s new “Middle School Math Teacher Couture.”  Scottie Pippen rolled in a long black leather coat like he was Shaft, not Zoolander!  The point is these guys might have had other interests, but they had no need to pretend to be a hundred different things for a social media hungry world.  They were well paid basketball players and that is what they did.

But now with shoe deals paying more than team salaries, players who are more immersed in social media approval (and probably a more insecure bunch) and team-to-team bro hugs being part of the ritual of the NBA, playing basketball is not enough for some of these cats.  So when you have super rich men who have focused so much of their lives perfecting, to quote Liam Neeson, a particular set of skills, to the exclusion of other interests, what is an easy way to make them look diversified?

“Fashion.”

Of course, fashion houses benefit – who wouldn’t want giant, athletic, human billboards walking around in their suits or clothing?  And maybe you can make some of these wealthy young men investors since they have more cash to spend than they know what to do with and it sure beats accruing gambling debts like Antoine Walker.  But along the way of Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant rocking slick and classy suits we veered into full on Emperor’s New Clothes.  Along the way someone was supposed to tell Dwyane Wade or Russell Westbrook to cut the shit.  But no one did because they are the meal ticket and they have an odd mixture of supreme self confidence given their fame and skills, but also a need to be taken seriously beyond basketball.  I think that need to appear “more than just a basketball player” is a big need in this day and age of media diversity.  If 50 Cent can be a Vitamin Water mogul then why can’t NBA players be “fashion icons?”  Because not every NBA player can be a Shane Battier or even a Shaquille O’Neal.  So the quickest way to appear to have taste, class, diverse interests AND people kiss your ass is to become immersed in the fashion world.

I will admit, I am no risk taker when it comes to clothing.  And occasionally I can admire someone taking a risk and pulling it off.  But I have always said a woman (and most men) wearing a fedora is an idiot no matter how hot she is.  And some of these “bold fashion choices” by NBA athletes are moronic, no matter how athletic and rich they are.  So come on NBA, maybe next All Star game let’s have a showcase of some extracurricular talents (musical, artistic, educational, etc.) of NBA players to showcase the real diversity of interests in the league instead of a parade of bullshit that really just looks stupid.  And in the spirit of Jon Amechi’s quote at the beginning of this blog post, perhaps have R. Kelly sing “Down  Low” during the next fashion show if you decide to keep it.

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