Last week started out terribly with the sweeping of the Utah Jazz at the hands of the Los Angeles Lakers. If you missed it I tweeted incessantly, which just compounded my sadness (but I still feel I am less sad than the people who tweet about the weather, their meals, and other mundane things – namely a majority of people on Facebook and Twitter). But that was just the beginning of the week. I then had to cancel my show Always Be Funny that Thursday because we had 6 comics, 1 bartender and three people sitting at the bar, two of which were openly against the show and one who is a regular at the bar and is usually a decent audience member, except the time she heckled Jon Fisch.
This would not have been so bad if the show I was scheduled to be on earlier that evening was not also cancelled.
So feeling like The Nothing from The Neverending Story, as shows were destroyed in my path, I took Friday off from comedy to go to the Bronx DA’s Office for my former bureau’s annual Yankee Game party. It was a good event, especially since A-Rod hit a Grand Slam to put the Yankees ahead in the game late (let’s look at the two live sporting events I have attended this year – the game of the year so far in the NBA in Utah and a clutch grand slam from A-Rod against the Twins – it is as if God is telling me that I should quit comedy and just go to sporting events professionally).
Well, it was time to get back to the grind of comedy on Saturday – I had a show at O’Hanlon’s on 14th and 1st, which I learned upon arriving, was… you guessed it – cancelled! Fortunately I was able to observe 4 white guys threatening to beat up a black guy so that was entertaining. The four white guys looked like they might have been firefighters – not the heroes that women want to have sex with of course. No, these guys looked more like the crew-cut, Irish, raised in effectively all-white neighborhoods, voting Republican their whole lives, racist type of civil servants. Those guys, not the heroes. Now I have to allow for the possibility that they weren’t, but they looked the part anyway. The black guy was a black Israelite, who are known for their congeniality and open mindedness, but this guys was quadruple teamed and they were throwing his property in the middle of the street, hitting cars and cyclists while doing it. So I did what any former DA would do – I called the police. I offered a very detailed description, but I made two mistakes – one – i Said I did not see a weapon. Two – I said it was four white males attacking a black man (I was not dumb enough to say he was a black Israelite). I waited 20 minutes, which the four Klansmen did as well, but the police never showed up.
A more effective call on my part might have been:
“Yes, I see four black men attacking a white woman!”
“Do they have weapons?”
“Yes, if you consider their large, angry black cocks weapons! Hurry quick!”
I think the police would have been there quicker.
So that was the end of my bad week. But with Sunday comes renewed optimism.
First I was shooting my new video. The story is about black guy wants to date a daughter of a rabid Tea Party member and the agency that helps acclimate Tea Party members to ethnic boyfriends. Of course, it started out poorly because one of the actors backed out at 10:07 am via text for an 11 am call time because he had to wait for furniture for his move with his girlfriend. Sounds like a valid excuse, assuming people move on 30 minutes notice and lack a nervous system. So after setting a new volume record for how loudly I could yell fu*k, comedian Matt Maragno came to the rescue at the last minute and delivered laughs. The shoot went well and it looked like the week was off to a great start.
It got even better when I got an offer yesterday to open for Jo Koy in Cleveland starting this Thursday and running through Sunday. That means big crowds and payment of money for my jokes. Of course, without eating for the 4 days I will only net a little over $100 for my efforts.
Tomorrow night I am making my tape for college submissions and I am confident that will go well.
So, in sum a bad week in my comedy life is witnessing a hate crime and going 3 for 3 in having shows get cancelled. A good week, by contrast, is doing a YouTube video, netting $100 for half a week’s work and doing a bringer so I can one day entertain college kids, with diminishing social skills and emotional connections. Like I have told friends – if you have a choice between your son or daughter being in gay snuff films or being a comedian, go with the snuff.
Sunday will be the start of a new week, but it begins with the season finale of Lost (a show that proves that like Dane Cook comedy, as long as you have a premise with no logical conclusion you can actually make millions, even if everything following the premise ranges between nonsense and stupidity) so I am not too confident in the prospects for a good week.