The NBA dropped the hammer on Donald Sterling, punishing him for saying racist comments to his girlfriend (cannot wait for her VH1 show Senior Citizen Dumpster) and for basically embarrassing the league and making the LA Clippers a non-viable business. Of course, the NBA and many people have known him to be a vile, almost cartoonist racist villain, fulfilling every negative stereotype he could get his fingerprints on for decades, but in this day and age, one viral strike was all it took. And of course, good riddance, but it begs the question, where does a racist billionaire go after running and ruining an NBA franchise for so long? Well it did not take long for one media empire to scoop up this newly available talent full of fresh ideas on business, race and paternalism. That is right, Donald Sterling is going to Fox News! The decision was actually announced at 1:30pm when Fox News learned that Sterling would be given a lifetime ban. “We could not be more thrilled to have acquired the talents of Donald Sterling today,” said Fox news President Roger Ailes, “He is a proven business leader in real estate and sports, a creator, not a taker, a man not afraid to say unpopular things and younger than our core demographic. so he should really help us reel in the next generation of racist centenarians!”
While this may seem like a controversial hire, some of Fox News’ highest profile people think it will be a slam dunk. “Some of my best friends are black,” said Sean Hannity, “but let’s be honest they do smell and Donald Sterling still gave them food and shelter and cars. That is a compassionate conservative I can believe in.”
“The pinheads on the left can whine all they want, we now own the 90-110 white demographic,” shouted a demonstrably pleased Bill O’ Reilly.
The show does not have a title yet, but rumors have it that some possibilities thrown around by Team Sterling are “Ivory and Ivory,” “Slumlord Billionaire,” and “Sharecrop Stories.” A feature of the new show that seems to have a lot of traction in early meetings is tentatively called “Nigstagram” in which Sterling will showcase various women on Instagram with black men and then rate them on a scale from “Race Traitor” to “She Can Still Have Sex with Me for Money”
Sterling is said to be disappointed in the NBA’s decision, but eager to begin working on his new project. It is slated to begin in September 2014.
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