Timetable for Withdrawal

It is time for George W. Bush to follow my lead

Critics said that setting a timetable would send the wrong message to our enemies. Some said that leaving before the job was finished would leave us worse off than before. Others said 28 years to be bogged down is too long a commitment.

Well, fans of my comedy may be sorely disappointed because plans are set for a June 2007 withdrawal from my parents’ home.

I believe my situation is similar to the War in Iraq and can offer a blueprint to success and withdrawal there.

1) I began law school the same month as 9/11 and the trauma of that was justification for a lot of decisions after that. Living in a post 9/11 job market I opted out of the most sensible/lucrative approach (law firms/Afghanistan) and went into government service (government/Iraq).

2) While living at home I was expected to be greeted as liberated, but slowly began to feel occupied. Furthermore Civil War began to break out among the Irish and the Haitians (Sunni/Shiites). I was told that I could stand down when they stood up, but as they have gotten older standing up has become more difficult.

3) There comes a time when you just have to leave. I am very grateful (and don’t feel like a loser) for being able to have lived at home and saved some money since leaving school. What I am telling you, Mr. President is that even though these colors don’t run, they can move.

Updates on Phillipe (pronounced Fil -e-pay) and My New…

One is bothering J-L and one is J-L

So in Phillipe news (two blogs on this loser is two too many, but anyway…), he has told my girlfriend’s friend that he “must see her again.” This was in the face of protests by her that she “hated him” and the fact that her boyfriend, (me) is approximately twice his size, does not work as a hairdresser and already hates him for fu-king up his passion, which is comedy.

So if anyone meets a 5’5″ bag of douche named Phillipe (or Felipe) who is a hairdresser for Aveda please punch him hard in the face, or at least don’t tip him if he does your hair.

In better news, my nephew was born Friday and he was not born on my birthday (he was 13 days early, exactly as early as his older brother). His name is Julian Langston (ironically, the name of the comic who beat me in March Madness was named Julian so thanks for the reminder). Not only that, but there is a good chance that when I make the initials J-L famous, little Julian will want to take J-L from me. But at least I will keep my birthday all to myself.

Well, back to work – yes I am working on Saturday night to keep the people of Bronx county safe.

And for all of you that want to buy me presents – I turn 28 on Tuesday. I will therefore extend my streak to approximately 1,000 days of living at home since obtaining a law degree from Georgetown, which is a modern day record. The all time record was when Gunther McCloskey, class of 1809, lived at home for 2,765 days after obtaining his law degree because he was the oldest son and his parents had died of sore throats and he had 11 younger brothers and sisters to care for on the family farm. Most people think I will never touch that record because circumstances would no longer mandate such an exhaustive stay at home. But some experts believe that the fact that I have been there for 1,000 days already defies logic and that the record may not be as untouchable as it seems. See you on my 34th birthday.

PHILLIPE

The story of one man’s quest to ruin the DC Comedy Fest

So this weekend I headed down to DC with three objectives: hang out with my brother and his family, MC two shows at the DC Comedy Fest and meet my girlfriend’s parents. Quite a full plate.

First, my nephew, featured prominently on the home page of my website is a cute little fellow and loves his mother. However, other than his stuffed bear it is unclear whether he loves anything other than his mother. I think sons start to love their fathers once they need jars and canisters opened.

Next to the DC Comedy Fest. Now if you go to the DC Comedy Fest website you will see me listed as the MC for two shows on Saturday night (taking place at two different times). This is obviously a trick because Saturday morning I received an e-mail telling me that I was not listed on the second show (once again check their website). So naturally I was a little pissed at the lack of organization, but like a good comedic grunt I went to the HR-57 theater (second stage – which was sort of like a WWII bunker with a microphone). The lineup was great, including my friend and fellow NYC comic Nick Cobb . My girlfriend was sitting in the front row with a friend of hers from high school and we were all set to have a great show. Then, just as I took the mic, Philipe walked in.

A little about Phillipe (which I learned later):

-He is 5’5″

– He is a hairdresser

– He is the most annoying motherfu-ker on Planet Earth

Phillipe sat down at the table with my girlfriend so I assumed he was a friend of hers from high school. So imagine my surprise when he started answering my rhetorical questions and shouting out random information barely related to the jokes being told. Throughout the performances here is what Phillipe did:

– Bought 2 comics beers and placed them on the stage during their sets

– Pulled off his belt and threw it on the stage during one comic’s performance

– Clapped and shouted a la Max Cady from Cape Fear (the DeNiro version)

-Angered every comic and audience member

I was in a tough conflict of interest position because I thought he was my girlfriend’s friend so I kept text messaging her things like: “Shut him the fu-k up please!” She then told me several important things like “I don’t know him.” and “I want to kill him.” Security wanted to kick Phillipe out, but I gave him more chances than Steve Howe. I probably shouldn’t have.

The comics were all great and I suggest you look them up: Bill Bushart, Myq Kaplan, Sean Gabbert, Mark Forward, Nick Cobb and Chris White. They all performed well and dealt with Phillipe well.

After the show, I was lucky enough to hang out with my girlfriend, her friend and Phillipe. Phillipe proceeded to apologize to me, but then told me that he was making the comics “raise their game,” and that he “made the show” and that he was just “being himself.” I then told him that if we all wanted to be ourselves I might have killed him. But since we respect other people, their performances and the laws of the District of Columbia I would not kill him and he should have shut the fu-k up.

Phillipe’s night ended with him at a bar complementing a woman on her breasts right in front of the woman’s husband. Bouncers became involved and we abandoned Phillipe. Right now he is cutting some woman’s hair telling her how funny he is.

Then Sunday I played the role of Greg Focker and met my girlfriend’s parents. Very nice people, very nice time. Her father seemed very interested in my comedy career. Now if the rest of America could share in that enthusiasm I would be happy and wealthy and he would not have to wonder why his daughter’s boyfriend calls himself a comic if he is dueling hairdressers for attention.

Don Imus

Why won’t the nappy headed hos leave him alone?

What I just did there was illustrate a point. I do not consider the Rutgers Women’s basketball team to be what Don Imus referred to them as. I am just trying to make a joke off of his joke. Tragedy + time = comedy. Hopefully there has been enough time. Besides I thought Imus was talking about Joachim Noah on Florida at first.

I have never been a fan of Don Imus, but I am familiar with his style. For instance when members of his station team would call the New York Knicks “Carjackers in shorts” there was no outcry. Why? Because like any “shock jock” Imus said things to get a rise out of people and to phrase things in intentionally abrasive ways. And people knew what to expect. I am not saying that he may not have prejudices and problems, but this is by no means a Michael Richards incident. I honestly don’t know why such a big deal has been made of this.

And another thing – last time I checked, Rosa Parks was not playing point guard for the Rutgers Women’s basketball team. So can we stop making them out to be the next great pioneers in civil rights history? Good for them – they accomplished a lot and are handling this with some class, but so what?

Also, I am not a Sharpton hater like many people, but Al – give me a break. This really doesn’t concern you. The Sean Bell incident I understand. The Abner Louima incident I understand. This? I don’t understand.

I will actually admit when I read the quote for the first time I laughed. Maybe Imus meant it as a searing insult to the women on the team and as a larger affront to black women (who have had it rough in America, second only to gay Native Americans as the most down trodden of America’s people). Black women have had it rough and still do in many respects, but Don Imus’ intentional joke will do a lot less harm than Hollywood and the music industry at creating a bad impression of black women. I respect the need and urgency to protect the image and dignity of black women, especially in light of this country’s history both recent and not so recent, but isn’t creating or helping to create a culture of acceptance of women as sex objects, as is so prevalent on music videos and subways much more of a threat. The typical 16 year old black man and black woman are watching MTV and BET, not listening to Don Imus.

But at the same time I have seen men like Al Sharpton critical of the hip hop culture, but those articles generally get much lighter coverage than incidents like this because this is easier. “White man calls black women Ho” is an easy headline and will sell more papers. So the media is just as much to blame for giving this the huge coverage that it has received. And then we buy it and debate and make it into an issue of importance (and write comedic blogs about it) instead of wondering about more important issues, like Anna Nicole’s baby daddy.

Don Imus should just go on Oprah and be done with it. I would also probably die of laughter if he had the balls to call her a nappy headed ho. Once is a mistake or bad judgment. Twice is balls and hilarious.

Inherit the Wind with Steven Colbert

And I am officially a sell out

So Friday was Good Friday and I was excited for Easter. On my way to dinner with my girlfriend, who is white with blonde hair and blue eyes, we passed two black women who gave me what would be called an “approving look-over,” followed by a disapproving look of my girlfriend, followed by the “OJ, Tiger and now this fool?” look. I then began to smile because just like budding flowers and chirping birds, when more people start recognizing my half-blackness you know spring and sunshine are in the air. It also guarantees that your girlfriend will try to pick a fight through scowls and “hating your jokes” for a few minutes.

The rest of the night was spent trying to convince my girlfriend why Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is awesome. Unsuccessful.

Saturday we went to Inherit the Wind with Christopher Plummer and Brian Dennehy. Excellent play, but what made it more awesome was the fact that Steven Colbert was sitting six rows directly in front of me. I know what you’re thinking and no, he hadn’t heard of me. It was just awkward watching my girlfriend sit on his lap for the second act of the play.

The 11th plague

Sh-t falling from the sky

Today when I was walking back from my lunchtime stroll (I know, I am about 25 years too young to stroll at lunchtime) a funny thing happened that requires a short re-telling.

I was walking towards Sheridan Avenue on 158th Street when a very full and very used diaper came falling from the sky and landed about 5 feet behind me.

Now I am a glass half full kind of guy so I was thrilled to see that a baby was not in the diaper. But I had to wonder if someone was throwing it at me or just normally throws sh-t filled diapers out of their windows.

The best part was the woman walking about 20 feet behind me said (interrupting her own cell phone conversation), “What the fu-k is you doing throwing shi–y diapers out your fu–in’ window? That’s why motherfu–ers think this ain’t sh-t!” (back to cell phone conversation) Fu-k that ni-ga, I would straight up fu-k that nig-a up!” Examining her words carefully you will see the definition of irony.

It’s good to know that in this city where real estate is getting more and more expensive, there will always be an area that I will be able to afford. “This place is a bit of a fixer upper, but it’s close to the subway, you have high ceilings and you’ll be near work. The only thing is sometimes you have to watch out for flying human feces and the knife wielding women who hate them.”

I’ll take it.

Appointments for Massages

“Who the f–k is John?”

So yesterday my girlfriend surprised me with a couples massage at a trendy little spa in Manhattan. After 8 am Mass listening to the Passion of Christ (Palm Sunday) it was good to de-stress.

So we get the spa and the first thing the woman at the desk says is, “OK, so this is a couples’ massage for Lisa and John.”

Who?

Now I have a game I like to play with my girlfriend. It’s called, how can I embarrass her? She claims to not get embarrassed easily, but I learned on a trip to Puerto Rico that there is one way to do so. When someone would ask us if we were married I would tell them, “Well, I am, but she’s not.” Because resorts and spas are often places where wealthy shady people go the staff would adopt this, “Hey whatever you do with your life is cool” attitude, which would embarrass my girlfriend when she would protest that I was joking.

So back to the spa. I pretended to flip out a little bit, but then reassured them that I was joking.

So we go to the changing rooms where I get down to my boxer briefs and have to put on a robe and a pair of Crocs. For those of you that don’t know what crocs are – they are these bright colored rubber shoes that look like strainers. The staff member brought out a pair of 14s for me so I thanked her for finding my size, but asked if they came in my sexual orientation. The fact that I have seen many women and some men wearing these things around the city reminds me of the Emperor’s New Clothes. If something is said to be cool or hip or fashionable, even for a day, someone will wear them no matter how dumb they look.

So then our masseuses arrived. Fortunately my girlfriend requested a female for me because I would not have wanted the awkward exchange of “Hey, not that I mind another man working my body out in a strictly professional manner, but I would kind of prefer a woman.”

My girlfriend had a man and I quickly made sure he was gay (he was wearing crocs), but I was not 100% positive.

So the massage began and it felt good, but hearing the oils being rubbed vigorously into my girlfriend’s body in the bed next to me made me want to look up and say, “You having fun over there Alex (that was his name).”

So then there was the turn over, which is usually the point where the masseuse says, “I will give you a minute, because they don’t want a Derek Zoolander experience on the massage table.” But interestingly enough any stimulating feelings that arise from a good massage are nullified by the sound of “Alex” smacking, flipping and rubbing it down (Oh no! – Bell Biv Devoe) on your girlfriend on the next table. So I flipped over without hesitation.

All in all, a very good experience. Except for the crocs.

Anti-Semitic Remarks By A Basketball HasBeen

And in other news, a 2 time MLB All Star is convicted of attempted murder

I am not a media conspiracy theorist, but I saw two stories given, at best, equal treatment in the sports pages of several newspapers that annoyed me a little bit.

In one story, Michael Ray Richardson, a former NBA 4-time all star suspended from the league for numerous drug policy violations (like using them), who is now languishing as a coach in the NBA’s equivalent of the minor leagues (coaching the Albany Patroons)said the following:

“I’ve got big-time lawyers,” Richardson said, according to the Times Union. “I’ve got big-time Jew lawyers.”

When told by the reporters that the comment could be offensive to people because it plays to the stereotype that Jews are crafty and shrewd, he responded with, “Are you kidding me? They are. They’ve got the best security system in the world. Have you ever been to an airport in Tel Aviv? They’re real crafty. Listen, they are hated all over the world, so they’ve got to be crafty.”

And he continued, “They got a lot of power in this world, you know what I mean?” he said. “Which I think is great. I don’t think there’s nothing wrong with it. If you look in most professional sports, they’re run by Jewish people. If you look at a lot of most successful corporations and stuff, more businesses, they’re run by Jewish. It’s not a knock, but they are some crafty people.”

In other sports news, a two-time MLB All Star and one time World Series winner, Ugueth Urbina was convicted of attempted murder in Venezuela and sentenced to 14 years in prison.

Let me first say that the comments by Richardson are ignorant, but still do not even reach the level of Tim Hardaway’s ode to prejudice concerning the John Amechi coming out story of last month. I thought the “Jew lawyer” comment was inappropriate, the use of crafty is somewhere on the Joe Biden-Barack Obama description level of stupidity and saying that Jews are hated all over the world I am sure would get agreement from many Jews. And then there’s the source, an ex-junkie, ex-NBA player. What is next: Today in New York the Knicks ball boy told the following joke: “What is the goal of Jewish football? To get the quarterback.” The League has suspended the ball boy indefinitely.

No one would really care. And I’m still not sure we can look to former drug addicts and 1970s NBA players for politically correct and insightful comments.

That said, anti-Semitism is real and bad, but I don’t think it required the coverage it was given, most significantly in the NY Daily News, concerning Richardson. Especially in light that its coverage, at least in that publication, dwarfed the coverage of a current baseball player (at the time of his arrest) and two time all star who was convicted of attempted murder. I was a little more interested in that.

Spring is Here!!!

Which makes me think, ‘How young is too young for a tramp stamp?”

Well, went for a little trip during lunch to enjoy the sunny and beautiful weather today. I figured I wouldn’t have anything to write about until after tonight’s performance at Caroline’s tonight, but then the MTA started the ball rolling, as it has so many times for me.

On my way downtown on the 4 train, the MTA announced that due to a building collapse on 116th street the 4 train would not run downtown. So I had to switch to the 2 train to get downtown. All of a sudden the beautiful weather started to feel a lot hotter. Especially when several hundred people were trying to cram onto the 2 train.

While aboard the 2 train I started to get a strange odor that can only be described as collective human filth. I happened to be standing near an interesting group: an angry black man who appeared to have a seizure every time someone bumped into him, despite the crowd, a young twenty something student who apparently has not learned one of my five rules of riding the subway – if the subway is packed and so is your backpack, take the f–king backpack off so you don’t hit people with your bag, three Asian tourists who were moving around the crowded train like they were searching out real estate prospects, and a young Latina woman listening to music so loud in her Ipod that I am now having hearing difficulties.

So naturally I got off the train feeling like a bi-racial John Rocker, but at least I could breathe easier. I had a brief lunch and then got back on the train going north.

On the train going back from my lunch I was peacefully trying to read Ghost Wars (note to blog reader – if you are a Racial Chameleon and currently look quasi-Egyptian, a book about Afghanistan and Bin Laden will induce curiosity on the subway), when three young men got on and began having a loud conversation, distracting enough in volume, but even more distracting was the amount of times they dropped the word nig-a. It was so absurd that I thought the first one to say it 200 times won a prize.

So as I walked from the subway I was relieved to be done with NWA, but then saw a disturbing sight – a 12 year old with a tramp stamp (i.e. a lower back tattoo – something I was not a big fan of until recently). And it was a relatively ornate one at that. You know, one that said “I’m easy, but don’t think that means all your friends can have some too.” This was the breaking point for me. What the fu-k is wrong with people? I had a few questions for this girl so here they are (since she no doubt reads my blog):

1) Are you 12 or younger? She appeared 12, but, if she drinks the same water as many Bronx girls and Greg Oden of Ohio State, she may in fact be even younger.

2) Where are you parents? I mean, when high school lets out don’t they have enough time to make sure you don’t go from 6th grade to the tattoo parlor?

3) What kind of example are you setting for your kids?

Ahhhhh, springtime in the Bronx. Sunshine, Yankees baseball and the cacophony of blaring car horns, catcalls almost criminal in nature, and the word nig-a fills the air.

March Madness

Brackets, Comedy and Sanjaya

All of my Elite 8 teams are alive (in one pool I did). I am also alive in the Sweet Sixteen of March Madness at Caroline’s on Broadway. So apparently I have more success in basketball related events than I did in actually playing basketball.

In a sad piece of news, Amherst College, as comedian Danny Rouhier put it, “The group of students that decided they wanted to break away from Wiliams and for their own purple school,” has won the D-III national Title in Basketball. I am hoping that to balance all of that negative energy coming from Amherst, Massachusetts, the universe sees fit to grant a victory in a comedy competition to a Williams graduate.

And in other competition news I am pleased to see that Sanjaya is still surviving American Idol. This guy looks to me like Michael Jackson if he had become a pedophile in his teens instead of his forties. And Sanjaya’s sister had some breast work done, or so it appeared from the shot of her on TV. That makes me think is someone paying Sanjaya’s family compensation for the embarrassment he is causing them?

Clearly I have little of value to share with you today.