The story of one man’s quest to ruin the DC Comedy Fest

So this weekend I headed down to DC with three objectives: hang out with my brother and his family, MC two shows at the DC Comedy Fest and meet my girlfriend’s parents. Quite a full plate.

First, my nephew, featured prominently on the home page of my website is a cute little fellow and loves his mother. However, other than his stuffed bear it is unclear whether he loves anything other than his mother. I think sons start to love their fathers once they need jars and canisters opened.

Next to the DC Comedy Fest. Now if you go to the DC Comedy Fest website you will see me listed as the MC for two shows on Saturday night (taking place at two different times). This is obviously a trick because Saturday morning I received an e-mail telling me that I was not listed on the second show (once again check their website). So naturally I was a little pissed at the lack of organization, but like a good comedic grunt I went to the HR-57 theater (second stage – which was sort of like a WWII bunker with a microphone). The lineup was great, including my friend and fellow NYC comic Nick Cobb . My girlfriend was sitting in the front row with a friend of hers from high school and we were all set to have a great show. Then, just as I took the mic, Philipe walked in.

A little about Phillipe (which I learned later):

-He is 5’5″

– He is a hairdresser

– He is the most annoying motherfu-ker on Planet Earth

Phillipe sat down at the table with my girlfriend so I assumed he was a friend of hers from high school. So imagine my surprise when he started answering my rhetorical questions and shouting out random information barely related to the jokes being told. Throughout the performances here is what Phillipe did:

– Bought 2 comics beers and placed them on the stage during their sets

– Pulled off his belt and threw it on the stage during one comic’s performance

– Clapped and shouted a la Max Cady from Cape Fear (the DeNiro version)

-Angered every comic and audience member

I was in a tough conflict of interest position because I thought he was my girlfriend’s friend so I kept text messaging her things like: “Shut him the fu-k up please!” She then told me several important things like “I don’t know him.” and “I want to kill him.” Security wanted to kick Phillipe out, but I gave him more chances than Steve Howe. I probably shouldn’t have.

The comics were all great and I suggest you look them up: Bill Bushart, Myq Kaplan, Sean Gabbert, Mark Forward, Nick Cobb and Chris White. They all performed well and dealt with Phillipe well.

After the show, I was lucky enough to hang out with my girlfriend, her friend and Phillipe. Phillipe proceeded to apologize to me, but then told me that he was making the comics “raise their game,” and that he “made the show” and that he was just “being himself.” I then told him that if we all wanted to be ourselves I might have killed him. But since we respect other people, their performances and the laws of the District of Columbia I would not kill him and he should have shut the fu-k up.

Phillipe’s night ended with him at a bar complementing a woman on her breasts right in front of the woman’s husband. Bouncers became involved and we abandoned Phillipe. Right now he is cutting some woman’s hair telling her how funny he is.

Then Sunday I played the role of Greg Focker and met my girlfriend’s parents. Very nice people, very nice time. Her father seemed very interested in my comedy career. Now if the rest of America could share in that enthusiasm I would be happy and wealthy and he would not have to wonder why his daughter’s boyfriend calls himself a comic if he is dueling hairdressers for attention.