St. Patrick’s Day

Firemen fighting firemen instead of fires.

For starters I got comped a dessert at a BBQ restaurant on Friday. It was good because I could not eat meat on Friday (Lent) and I needed some extra calories on top of my garden salad. Why did I get comped? Because the manager on duty recognized me from comedy and wanted to hook me up. So let March 16th go down as the date I got my first comedy/celebrity perk. Thanks Virgil’s.

So on Saturday I geared up for an afternoon/evening of hoops and drinking. I first watched hoops at a fondue restaurant because that was the only place my friends could find that wasn’t sexual assault room only (beyond standing room and dry humping room only). I then went to a bar in the west 40s to meet my girlfriend who had been drinking with friends since noon (I met her with friends around 8 pm).

Now St. Patrick’s Day is one of those holidays that used to have a component dedicated to Irish history. Now its primary function seems to be for the FDNY to starts fights with each other and slobber on women.

My highlights began with seeing two firefighters start a fight and then watching people break it up and get into a fight over breaking it up and which point two more people began scrapping. NY’s Most Pugnacious.

Furthermore, two sets of women asked me to take photos with them. I thought maybe they had heard of my comedy as well, but it turned out that they were drunk and 6’7″ is the official height of circus freak when you’re drunk on St. Patty’s Day.

Then there’s the woman part. Meeting your girlfriend at a Saint Patrick’s Day party if she gets there first is sort of like going to meet your girlfriend at the strip club she dances at while still on the pole. The way these firemen and associates looked at me you’d think I was either a five alarm blaze or a college level textbook. They looked angry and confused. They tried the excuses on her like, “If your boyfriend cared about you he would be here with you.” Fortunately I am not dating an insecure college freshman so I guess the FDNY will have to work on their game for next year.

“You have really good material”

The kiss of death in comedy?

The last week has been a good one for me in terms of opportunity. I got an audition in Columbus, Ohio for national feature work and last night I had a show at Caroline’s with Eddie Brill (Letterman booker) hosting.

March 6 – Columbus Funny Bone

I arrived in C-Bus and went right to the Easton Mall, a mall that I am very familiar with. It is a classic American Mall. 500 stores, 800 places to eat tasty, fatty food (I enjoyed a hearty meal at the Cheesecake Factory) and 1000 15 year old girls dressed like music video whores. I had time to kill so I went to see a movie at the Easton AMC 30 plex. 30 theaters. If you have ever wondered, “Why would a theater need to play Norbit every 15 minutes?” Then your answer is, “So a lonely comedian can kill time before doing a set at a comedy club.”

Eventually I went to the show where I was slated for a 20 minute set. I went up first and did well. But I did not kill. My lack of experience in doing sets longer than 6-10 minutes, (Thanks NY Comedy Clubs!) and the fact that I was fu-king tired led to that result. The booker told me that I had really good material and was likeable on stage, but that I was missing an “it factor.” The sad thing was that based on my set I agreed. Oh well, see you next year Columbus.

March 13, 2007 Caroline’s on Broadway

So last night I had a set at Caroline’s. The show was hosted by Edie Brill, who books Letterman so I was eager to perform. I have done several sets at Caroline’s and have always gotten 10 minutes. So I prepped a tight 10 minute set. when I looked at the board I noticed that I was only getting 8 minutes. All of a sudden a Smurf with a halo appeared on my right shoulder and a red Smurf with a trident appeared on left shoulder:

Angel Smurf – It’s ok J-L, just cut two minutes and have a great set

Evil Smurf – FUUUUUUUU-K.

POOF!!!!

So I cut my bit about a hypothetical hook up with a racist girl on Spring Break and said – “perfect.”

Then I went on stage and got lit at 5 minutes, meaning I was only getting a 6 minute set. I wrapped it up at a tight 6 and was told by Eddie Brill that I had “really good material, but I rushed through my material a little too much.” I was actually excited about the compliment, but realized that once again there seemed to be something missing.

I have been told a lot that I was really good and oh so close, but never in comedy.

But I must admit I was a little peeved at Caroline’s (what I just said is the comedic equivalent of telling Michael Corleone to go fu-k himself). Cutting my time by 25-40% for 15-20 of my paying friends, not to mention the $40 I am paying for a tape is not that cool. It is like that old prison saying (that I just made up now): It’s ok if you fu-k me, but just protect me if someone else tries to fu-k me. Well, last night it felt like Caroline’s was running a prison train on me.

That said, I will be at Caroline’s next Tuesday for Round 2 of March Comedy Madness. I guess like Brooks in Shawshank I am not sure how to operate outside of that environment.

Happy Anniversary!!! The Greatest Blog of All Time

The #1 Blog of the 1st Year: The State of Education (from 9/22/06)

I am not sure where to start on this one, so I will go chronologically.

My uncle (public high school teacher in Bronx) told me a hilarious story from last week. And by hilarious I mean makes me want to punch a wall really hard.

He is in the middle of a lecture (approx 15 minutes into class) when a young man walks in late, looks at the attendance sheet, sees himself marked absent and asks: “Why you mark me absent nigga?” There are several problems with this:

1) He didn’t raise his hand.

2) The student is Latino and my uncle is white. Neither of these people should be using the N-word as a colloquialism.

3) You were 15 minutes late you dumb degenerate, that’s why.

4) “Why you mark me absent” is not correct grammar.

So my uncle, through experience, knows better than to “challenge” a student in front of the class, brings him outside and tells him that language is not acceptable and that he can’t interrupt a class like that. The response… poetry:

“Fu-k you – suck my di-k.” And then he walked away.

Now I am sure that at my current job I will run into this young man eventually or one of his soon-to-be-conceived gifts from Heaven, but I must say I am glad I am not his teacher. If I were, I would probably still be at my location of current employment, but probably with my hands behind my back in cuffs.

But I am sure his failings as a human being are the failings of the system and the teachers. Or maybe he didn’t get his latte at Starbucks that morning and he felt groggy. The happy ending to the story is that after my uncle filed a report with the school administration as to the student’s conduct, they walked the student back in and told my uncle that he cannot have his students walking the halls. For shame Uncle! Perhaps when this young man assaults one of his teachers they can blame the teacher’s face for hurting the student’s hand.

But in case you are worried about the present state of high school, the NY Daily News has an uplifting story today about the future minds of my home county and city.

61% of 4th graders in NYC passed the standardized reading and writing exam, prompting the Bush administration to change their education program to “Only 2/5 children left behind.” And they plummet as the children get older when in 8th grade the passing rate is just under 40% for that level. Remarkably, these are improvements since 2002.

Now I understand that in NYC 8th grade is an important time and 8th graders are probably busy just learning how to get high and breast feed, but enough is enough.

The worst stat was that at the Morrisania 4th grade (the neighborhood just north of where I work) 4.8% passed. That is not a misprint. That means for every 40 4th graders at that school, 2 pass. That means their 4th grade valedictorian could, in theory, have a D+ average. My 21 month old nephew appears to be at the same reading level as a lot of these kids. But rest assured I am not just a complainer. I have solutions:

1) Criminalize giving Game Boys and video games to children who cannot read. The bottle has been replaced by the sippy cup. But it has also been replaced by the Game Boy. I have seen more than a few little Einsteins playing Game Boys on buses and trains, even though Mommy needs to turn it on for them and explain the instructions. Rule of thumb – if you cannot read the booklet or the names of the characters in the game – you are too young. Even video game manufacturers, who are basically intellectual drug dealers, put an 8 year old minimum age on systems. In light of these new stats, perhaps it should be 15.

2) God needs to find something besides conception of human life to make the easiest thing for a human to do. Conception should rank with Calculus and Latin in difficulty. Not impossible, but you really need to focus and be committed to do it. Hell, make it as difficult as learning to read and we’d be better off. Right now conception seems to require the same effort as saying, “nice ass, can I holla at you?”

The problem is one of mathematics. Schools and ACS case workers will continue to have exceedingly heavy numbers and these issues will multiply at an exponential rate, while those willing or able to help will increase at a linear rate.

Perhaps it is like Chris Rock said, “We don’t need prayer in school; we need the Tossed Salad man in Schools.” Heck, if you are going to meet TS man at some point, better that it be to learn to read than to choose jelly or syrup.

Happy Anniversary!!! 2nd Greatest Blog of All Time

Blog #2 of the first year: More Adventures on the 1 Train (from 4/16/06)

It was Easter Sunday and it seemed like a normal trip on the train down to the gym after Church. As the 4 avid readers of my blog may know from my March 27th posting (Inside Man…) crazy things can go down on the 1 train on the weekend and this Sunday was no exception.

I was sitting and reading when a Latino couple in their 30s got on the train and proceeded to have an extremely loud and annoying argument for approximately twenty minutes about how to use a metrocard and who had the metrocards, etc. People in my car definitely found it extremely annoying by a lot of eye rolling and sighing. But nothing can make a young Latino couple make up faster than a homophobic, racist white guy in army gear.

As the couple continues to fight in walks a man in his early 30s dressed in full army camoflouge, in case the train turned into a jungle, with dog tags and a backpack. I do not think he was a veteran of any war, unless it was the War on Drugs, which he definitely lost.

This was no big deal, but when an apparently harmless man in his 40s walked into the car, army fantasy camp guy turned into Bill Paxton from Aliens. What follows is a severely edited (this would be like playing Scarface on network tv) transcript of the train ride:

Army of None: STOP FOLLOWING ME

40 yr old: I am not following you.

Army: YES YOU ARE. YOU ARE AN F—ING FA—OT WITH AIDS AND YOU ARE ATTACKING ME WITH YOUR FINGER

40 yr old: Just let me pass.

(exit 40 yr old)

Latino Male (LM): What is your problem (no longer fighting with Latino woman)?

Army: MY PROBLEM IS THAT HE IS A F—ING F—OT WITH AIDS WHO ATACKED ME WITH HIS FINGER AND WANTED TO MAKE HIS SPEECH, SO I EXERCISED MY RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN TO LEAVE AND NOT BE ATTACKED BY A FA—-OT WITH AIDS.

Latina Woman (LW): You can only get AIDS through sexual transmission.

J-L inner monologue: (in that case can I have your used heroin needle please)

LM: Yeah and watch your language.

Army: Why don’t you shut up bitch? (rhetorical question) I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU ABOUT PROTECTING MY SELF FROM (guess what) A FA—T WITH AIDS.

LW: Do you have issues with your sexuality?

Army: No I do not, but I do have a problem with you explaining myself to you N–GG-R.

J-L inner monologue: Well this just got interesting… and what about that guy’s finger attacking you?

LW & LM: N-GG-R? What?? And you’re a piece of white, trailer park sh-t?

Army: That’s right I’m a white trash N-GGA – with an A.

J-L inner monologue: good distinction sir.

LW: Do you know the meaning of the word N-GG-R? it means ignorant and right now you look like the only N-GGa/er in this train.

J-L inner monologue: You make a good point LW, but niggardly actually means cheap, but I get your point.

LM: What if I was to get up and kick your ass?

J-L inner monologue: Good question. What Would Jesus Do (even though it is Easter I do not mean JC, I mean Jesus, LM’s cousin)?

Army: take your best shot (arms open)

LM: Call me something and we’ll see. call me a Sp-c or a N-gg-R or bitch.

Army: Looks like you’re doing a pretty good job yourself.

J-L inner monologue: that’s true, but you were even better Army.

Train announcer: next stop 66th street

J-L inner monologue: Damn – my stop.

LW: (yells at Army)

Army: Well that’s cause you’re a Sp-c N-GG-R Bitch!

J-L inner monologue: Hey now that is too far. Unless me and my Latina lady have a daughter I do not see any SNBs. But good effort at unbelievably super racist comments – not accurate but the whole train feels your anger.

And then I exited the train, yelling to the conductor that there is a problem in Car #3, but he did not seem to care.

If you go back to the Inside Man blog (3-27-06) you will see that this is not the first time someone has added a race to the slur N-GG-R bitch. My uncle was once called a WNB by a student, so with that I give my final grades to the performers.

Army: A for effort – and shock. I mean most people only think that kind of racism and homophobia exist in movies and the Ali G show. However, your overall grade is an F for being a total waste of a human being and army fatigues.

LM: Overall grade C-. He loses early for yelling at his woman about a metrocard, but gets some quality points late for stepping to Army. However, when called to take his best shot he did not.

LW: A-. If she had been hotter she would have gotten an A+, but she made some valid points and unlike LM did not start a fight over a metrocard.

Subway Conductor: D- for not paying attention to me, but could be as high as an A if he called the police – who knows?

Guy with AIDS; Although he allegedly already has 4 letters I will give him another A, because he took a very harsh and unjustified attack quietly and without causing a scene. Of course if he was lying about having AIDS I guess it is much better for him, but he would get an F for lying to the riders of the 1 train.

All I can say is thank God it was Easter and people were acting civilized. I will be taking the 1 train on Saturday and Sunday (22nd and 23rd) if anyone wats to accompany me for the next adventure.

The Height of Comedy – 6 days and counting.

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Blog #3 of the 1st Year: Weird Science (from 5/4/06)

According to the NY Daily News, there are 11 middle schools in NYC with the word “science” in their official title. At 6 of these 11 schools, a majority of the eighth grade students failed the State Science Exam last year. NYC has been pumping out lots of ads for Science and math teachers. Unforunately, they have not been advertising enough for science and math students. Interestingly enough, these statistics do once and for all disprove the theory of intelligent design.

Leading the way was my hometown borough, the Bronx, where at the “Math, Science and Technology Through the Arts Intermediate School” 13% of eight graders passed the exam. Perhaps instead of teaching science “through the arts” they should try teaching students “through the science” or change their names to “Burger, Fries, Large Coke Through Inattendance Intermediate Babysitting.”

As a side note, before getting back to science, The article also cited the “Bronx Writing Academy,” where over 80% of eighth graders failed the English exam. When asked to comment the school’s principal said, “The tests results is wrong.” Through an interpreter. I have since learned that they have re-named the school the “Derek Zoolander School For Kids Who Can’t Read Good.”

At the Academy of Environmental Sciences, 15% passed. When asked whether he thought global warming was real or required more study, the school’s principal replied, “Never heard of it.” Then he was appointed head of the EPA.

Through student interviews I have discovered the causes for these declining test scores. Here they are in the students own words:

“I’m in the middle of a Madden Franchise on PS2,”

“The school still does not provide the eighth graders with day care facilities,”

“if I already made it to eighth grade without studying or going to class, why starts now?”

“F–k that S–t”

I think what we are losing sight of is that 8th grade science is not rocket science. In fact it is not even biology. In most places it is Earth Science. Rocks. The kids of NYC are failing rocks! The phrase “dumb as rocks” has now been replaced with “you’re as dumb as a kid who failed rocks.”

One person in the article did offer a legit response. She said that you cannot judge a kid’s ability on one test. Many of the kids at her school have trouble reading and doing math. That is an excellent point Principal. So, how did he or she get to the 8th grade in the first place? I remember making fun of kids who had trouble reading. It was not nice of me. I was also in the 1st grade. In 8th grade if you cannot read, you either require braile or should not be in the 8th grade.

Next week the city will be releasing the foreign language results. I received early results and only 33% passed. In all fairness English is very difficult.

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Blog #4 of the 1st Year: Cell Phone Controversy (from 4/13/06)

I saw on the news last night, and read in the paper this morning, a story about some students that were arrested during large student protests at a Brooklyn high school for causing a disturbance. It occurred when the students refused to give up their cell phones as per NYC public school rules (the rule has been in place for sometime, but I believe based on my expose on reggaeton and ringtones (4/5/06), Mayor Bloomberg has finally decided to act).

One teacher said he was happy the students were protesting because it was a nice civics lesson, but he hoped they could apply their enthusiasm to things like political elections or war protest. Sorry Mr. Kotter – but I think if students place that big a priority on their Nextel, they could give two sh**s about the president or the war in Iraq (which acording to the students polled are George Washington and Vietnam).

Some of the kids on the news were saying if there is an emergency and their parents need to reach they need their cell phones. Hmmmm, I don’t know, but hopefully a parent knows the following:

1)where their child goes to school

2) when their child is at said school

3) a phone number for said school

4) their child’s name

Now I know that in many cases the parent does not know their child’s name (Shawn Kemp, Larry Johnson – this means you), but if that is the case parents like that are far too busy trying to have more kids to care about their existing child’s/children’s emergencies.

Furthermore, if the child has an emergency (ipod battery not charged, sex with the teacher is not as good as it used to be) they can always use one of those primative devices known as a pay phone to call home.

Somehow I feel that these kids do not get nearly as upset when they get a D on their history test or when they leave their backpack at home (on the subway I am often amazed at how many future Fortune 500 CEOs go to school routinely without backpacks, books or condoms).

I think the reason the city gave for the ban makes no sense though – “cell phones are disturbing the learning process.” That is what it should do – kids that want to play with their ringtones, send pictures and talk all day should not be stopped from doing so. What will happen to industries like telemarketing, soft core porn and loitering if all the kids pay attention in class? To sum up my point – I would like to give a summary of a joke comedian Anton Shuford (Philly comic) has told:

“I was a teacher, 4th grade, and I had a student named _____.” The kid was 13 in the 4th grade. So I asked _____ one time, ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ and he said real tough, ‘I don’t want to be nothing.’ So I looked at him and said, ‘Well, young man you are on your way.’ I stopped assigning him homework halfway through the year. I mean who am I to mess up a kid’s dream.”

So I say to the high school students of NYC who want to keep their cell phones, ipods, PSPs, and vibrators in school – this is one comic who will not stand in the way of your dreams.

9 days until The Height of Comedy

Happy Anniversary!!! – 5th Greatest Blog of All Time

Blog #5 of the 1st Year: Never Underestimate The Power of the Handicapped. (from 9/12/06)

On my way home from work (yes, despite my strong 55th place showing at the Boston Comedy Festival I still have my day job) I saw something interesting. Passing through a neighborhood known as Kingsbridge Heights I was walking to the bus that would take me home. I saw the usual thing: young men hanging on street corners, woman ranging from the pornographic to the diabetic, and then I saw her: A woman in her late 30s in a wheel chair.

As I waited for the bus I noticed that the woman was not bad looking. Not great looking, but nice enough that most people will have a more sympathetic reaction, as if to say: “Awwww, she was nice looking – it’s a shame what happened to her,” while implying, “If she had been ugly she may not have found a mate anyway, so the wheel chair is more of an inconvenience than an actual life-changing event.”

But more striking than her looks, which were not very striking was the fact that she was a drug dealer.

As I stood in my suit and government issued haircut I noticed a woman approach her and hand her a ten dollar bill, to which drugs on wheels said: “Why you doing this sh-t out in the open?” and handed her a small baggie for the money.

So from now on I think it’s important for people to know that just because someone is handicapped does not mean that they too can’t be a piece of sh-t. She is helping her community mirror her legs, atrophied and decaying. Doesn’t she know that is the government’s job to maintain a permanent underclass? That’s why we pay our taxes, so please leave it to the elected professionals. But then before I got too serious I thought to myself, what kind of jokes can I make at this drug dealer’s expense?

1) What does the sign on her bathroom look like – is it one of those wheelchairs, but instead of a stick figure it is Scarface sitting slouched in the chair?

2) Has she lost her amateur status or can she compete in the Special Olympics’ “Deal and flee from the police” event?

3) I wonder if she can still have kids. There are a lot of people who shouldn’t be having kids having kids. I guess the next step is that those who can’t have kid have kids. It would be like a miracle if she did have a kid though. My guess is that his name would be Jesus.

Just thought I would share that story with you. Have a nice primary day.

R.I.P. (temporarily)

Comedy Without Reservations B. 2/13/07 D. 2/28/07

As I sit here contemplating my life as an open mic/bringer superstar, listening to “What Goes Around” by Justin Timberlake, as if I am some jilted/jaded bitch in a music video, I am coming to grips with some harsh news. My comedy group, Comedy Without Reservations, has been cancelled by T.G. Whitney’s, a desolate and pathetic bar on 53rd Street. After two shows.

A brief recap:

Our first show took place during a snowstorm. According to Frank, the owner of T.G.’s, our $400 in receipts and $70 in tips over a 100 minute show were not sufficient. He said that he lost money that night because of us. Pardon me, I did not realize the tumbleweed rolling in your empty downstairs bar was buying drinks. Maybe having a bar open in a storm on a Tuesday cost you money. We were there to do a show that could benefit everyone, not subsidize an unpopular bar.

Fast forward to our next show. Fewer people – our bad. But Frank decided to have the bartender, who was an amateur bartender at best and introducing himself to neighbors in his community by force of law at worst, charging up to $2 more per drink upstairs. Furthermore, there was a live karaoke band downstairs which felt and sounded like a 3.0 on the Richter scale throughout our show. Thanks Frank for giving our show absolutely no chance whatsoever. Why not have cash giveaway downstairs and torture chambers upstairs just to make sure no one comes to our show.

(ON A SIDE NOTE): I did see some guy leave a 50 cent tip on a $15.50 bill at our show. I almost choked him.

So today I get a message with Frank telling me that he is “not inclined to have us do our show this Wednesday.” Well, that is probably good because if he fu-ked us any more we would have to charge him and then he’d bitch about losing more money.

But this just illustrates a bigger problem that I am having with comedy. With no agent, no manager and a potential future (dwindling but still there) I am not really fitting into the mold of the comedy industry. I think I have turned friends into acquaintances and acquaintances into people I harass with e-mails about bringers. So I thought doing a free show would both encourage people to come out and give me time to work on my material without having to focus on meeting a minimum for people. But even that has hit a temporary snag. I tried to put my dream of “making it” on indefinite hold just for the chance to throw a fun show every two weeks with laughter as the only goal. But even that can get crushed by some prick with an empty bar.

Fortunately there is a silver lining: my friends and I have lined up a better and more supportive venue for our shows. But like a battered wife I wonder if I am just saying, “Oh this time comedy has changed. It isn’t going to cause me sleepless nights and questioning decisions I have made with my life.” But I am sure with shows at Caroline’s on March 13th and Gotham on April 10th I will be prostrating myself in front of the comedy powers that be hoping that they will see that special spark or that “it factor.” But I guess someone has to be watching for that to happen.

But I guess the news isn’t all bad – I am 2 ½ years from vesting in my office pension.

San Francisco Storiesssssssssss

Barry Bonds Feet and the 1st Great Movie of 2007

So one of my favorite books of the last year, Game of Shadows, is now in paperback and there has been a lot of talk on the sports radio stations of some new revelations in the paperback edition. Mainly, the fact that Barry Bonds, the testicle-less slugger for the San Francisco Giants, has seen his head, chest and feet grow remarkably over the last decade.

Now if Barry Bonds had started the decade at age 7 that would make sense. But his head has grown 3/8 of a hat size, his jersey size has gone from a 42 to a 52 and his shoe size has gone from a 10.5 to a 13 during his 30s!

You know what they say about guys with big feet – Human Growth Hormone. I actually believe that Barry Bonds began taking hormones and steroids to compete in the dating market in San Francisco. If you have ever heard him speak, he is somewhere between Richard Simmons and the flaming guy in Best in Show.

But San Francisco remains in the news with Zodiac, the movie that is being hailed as the first great movie of the year by film critics. I am excited because it is from David Fincher who directed Seven, one of my favorite films.

As I understand it the film is about a man who terrorized San Francisco, caused the death of many people and was never brought to justice. I just wonder who is playing George W.

My 2nd nephew, My 2nd Show And My Website’s…

Threee of four #2’s that you probably don’t want to read about

First off, as predicted in an earlier blog, my second nephew will be born (C-section) on April 24th (not intentional because my sister-in-law did not remember my birthday at the time). That means my first nephew shares the same birthday as my brother and my second nephew will share my birthday. Now I have only have 14 months to come up with really good excuses for forgetting my second nephew’s birthday.

My website is about to begin its second year on the internet. I am throwing a party for the 7 blog readers. Not really, but I will be indulging in a little self-praise by posting my favorite 5 blogs of the first year March 5th thru March 9th.

And lastly, but most importantly, my comedy group “Comedy Without Reservations” just had its second show. Now imagine you were putting on a comedy show and the venue’s owner was giving you a hard time, sort of like Jack Nicholson’s character in The Departed. Well, fortunately Hoboken was nothing like that. Great fun, great crowd, great show. Our next one is this Wednesday back in NYC – check wwww.myspace.com/zeroreservations for info. There are photos in my blog photo section from the show. Also, there is a 100% chance of snow tomorrow because our show has landed on the only two snow days of the winter. 3rd times the charm.