Now I Know Why People Hate The Oscars

It is no secret that I love movies.  I actually saw Fired Up this weekend because I love the movies and movie-going experience so much.  And America does too.  How else can you explain Friday the 13th pulling in $48 million in its opening weekend, or even more inexplicably, Madea Goes To Jail, grossing $41.1 million this weekend (kudos to Tyler Perry though – if I had his marketing skills I’d be much bigger in comedy than I am).

And I have always loved the Oscars.  Not for the glitz, but just because it was another night of movies and movie clips, etc.  But last night’s awards show exemplified every thing that people who hate the Oscars have told me in the past.

First off I did not mind High Jackman as host at all, except for the annoying routine headlined by him, Beyonce and those future rehab cases from High School Musical.

Oh wait – maybe I should start with the Barbara Walters special – holy sh*t do the Jonas Brothers suck!  I mean I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, but they really suck, even by the minimalist standards of pop music.

Back to the Oscars.  Here are some of the awful highlights:

My biggest issue with the Oscars (besides just two wins for The Dark Knight) was Sean Penn’s win over Mickey Rourke.  I thought Milk was the best movie nominated and that Sean Penn deserved the nomination, but Rourke’s performance (and The Wrestler as a film) was so personal and moving that he was absolutely the clear choice.  Clearly Hollywood, in the glow of Obama’s victory felt like, hey it’s been a while since we had a political acceptance speech.  I think we’re ready again.  Cue Sean Penn, who always looks like he is in pain, probably because he is so tortured and such an involved actor.  But if anybody saw Robin Wright Penn last night – what could possibly be painful for Sean?

Someone told me this and now I finally agree – Sarah Jessica Parker looks like Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister. 

Slumdog Millionaire won eight awards.  I thought this was a very nice film, but 8 awards places it in the company of Amadeus and Amadeus it ain’t.  Not by any stretch.  And someone told me that the female lead of Slumdog recently left her husband.  See, chicks can be douchebags too.

Kate Winslet should not have won Best Actress.  Meryl Streep should have won, gotten on stage and said, “Sorry Kate, you can get Oscar when I’m dead bitch!”

The biggest vomit-inducing addition to the Oscars were the personal introductions by former winners.  Except for Robert DeNiro’s intro for Sean Penn, which seemed genuine because he actually knows Sean Penn well, they were all so obviously fake and just an ego booster for a group of people with already over-sized egos.  My personal highlights of these were:

  • Alan Arkin calling Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Seymour Phillip Hoffman
  • Kate Winslet’s incredibly bullsh*t “thank you so much/oh my God” faces for her introduction – Winslet reminds me of what DiCaprio said to Cate Blanchett in The Aviator: “Look at me Kate.  Stop acting.  Do you even know anymore?”
  • Angelina Jolie’s reaction – see Kate Winslet.
  • Brad Pitt’s thank you with hands clasped together, almost like prayer, and then pointing with them.  This is a signature douchebag move.

The only moments I truly enjoyed were the acceptance speech of the Milk screenwriter and Jack Black saying – I make movies with Dreamworks and then bet my entire paycheck on Pixar at the Oscars.

What an awful show.  At least Eastbound and Down did not disappoint on HBO.

Oscar Prediction?

I predict that The Dark Knight will not win Best Picture.

Thinking about the Oscars this year I am reminded of what Clubber Lang said in Rocky III when asked for a prediction in his fight with Rocky.  “Prediction? Paaaaaaaaain.”  Yes, I think these Oscars are going to be painful, namely because some of the best movies (The Dark Knight, Revolutionary Road, The Wrestler) were all deprived of more substantive nominations. What’s worse is that The Oscars played completely into their own stereotypes.

As much as Duke University’s basketball team is a haven for annoying white guys without a prayer of success in the NBA, Hollywood has been stereotypically been branded “liberal” and “controlled by Jews” and in line with the “homosexual agenda” (whatever that is).  Faster than a black man could yell at a movie screen, the Oscars nominated Frost/Nixon – the fall of a Republican icon, Milk, a biopic about a gay politician (the best movie of the 5 nominated in my opinion), The Reader – a mediocre movie about the Holocaust, an event that is finally getting the needed attention it deserves from Hollywood, and Slumdog Millionaire – just the fact that it takes place in India will annoy blue collar Republican types.  The only movie that doesn’t fit into these categories is Benjamin Button, which unfortunately, is just not that good.

Of course the Dark Knight was about a superhero who is fighting both a Chinese businessman and a domestic terrorist using violence and wiretapping may have seemed a little too pro-Bush-Cheney, but it was better than any movie nominated.  So for Batman 3 I have some suggestions to get the deserved Oscar respect it deserves:

  • Batman finds Robin and engages in a tender homosexual relationship with him.  Jake Gyllenhaalplays Robin (maintaining a connection to his sister from The Dark Knight and his brokeback co-star).
  • Batman finds out that his uncle once read to an illiterate Nazi guard.  Susan Sarandon plays Nazi guard in flashbacks (can’t get more liberal Hollywood street cred than Susan Sarandon).
  • Batman has to protect an ex-president from Texas who is dumb and played by Josh Brolin.  Film portrays ex-president as dumb and evil and Batman punches him at the end of the film.
  • Batman stops fighting crime and has a trio of Indian men fight crime for him during the night with their alter egos as Subway sandwich shop owner, Dunkin’ Donuts worker and electrical engineer.

Don’t mistake this as some sort of conservative crusade, but this year Hollywood made their own self-indulgent Benetton ad with these selections and failed to nominate the best film of the year.  And don’t be surprised if Hugh Jackman is the host, simply so he can come out of the closet to millions worldwide.  Tom Cruise and Will Smith rumored to be co-hosting next year.

Bet the house on Slumdog Millionaire, even though Milk is the better movie.  Most interesting categories – best actress (Meryl Strep deserves it, but Kate Winslet will get the career achievement award (why did Pacino have to wait til he was 50 or so to get his career best actor, but Winslet is due at 34 or 35?)). And best actor – Sean Penn vs. Micky Rourke – should be Rourke.  Especially since Penn will have nothing to give a speech about with Obama in office.

God, I sound like a conservative douchebag right now.  Sorry about that.  I just really liked The Dark Knight (but hell I would have taken a Revolutionary Road or The Wrestler Best Picture nomination).

My Experiment With A Performance Enhancing Drug

My iPod playlist on steroids.

I have been asked once in my life whether I was on performance enhancing substances.  It was when I put on 35 pounds  and added 45 lbs to my bench press in 3 1/2 months my junior year of college.  That was just the result of eating about 5,000 calories a day and lifting for about two hours a day with two friends who were offensive lineman on the football team.   But beyond that my life has resembled a macrocosm of a wrestler’s season.

  • September 1997 – 205 lbs
  • September 1998-March 2000 – 240 lbs
  • May 2000 – 270 lbs (mentioned above)
  • September 2000 – 248 lbs (a bench warming beast in college hoops)
  • September 2001 – 240 lbs (1st yr of law school)
  •  June 2002 – 260 lbs
  • September 2002  – 232 lbs (body fat resembled law school, both too low)
  • September 2004 (start DA’s office) – 245 lbs
  • March 2006 – 284 lbs (career high – lesson: donuts are bad for you)
  • July 2007 – 233 lbs (proof that stress/increase in being mindfuc-ed + exercise = loss of appetite and good abs)
  • January 2008 – 265 lbs and dropping (Dominos + cupcakes + lifting + no cardio)

I am laying out this time line so that I do not have to make any A-Rod excuses for any increase in jacked-ness that occurs over the next fewmonths (even though I still will claim to be immature and amateur and stupid well into my forties).  But as I close in on the age of 30 (thank God I’m not a woman or that would be scary!) I am realizing that my ability to shed weight like a leper or a diabetic will become tougher and tougher so I think this has to be the last time I pull this sh*t.  So now what do I do to get back down with keeping in my all natural approach?  The iPod playlist has become my performance enhancer and I am going to share it with all of you now so that you can take your workouts to the next level.  And people keep telling me about The Secret (envision your future success and you will have it – a/k/a horsesh*t).  Here is what I listened to in the weight room today and my corresponding visions:

  1. 8 Mile – Eminem (perfect montage for an aspiring comedian – I will go for comedy no matter what – hooray!)
  2. American Idiot – Green Day (me in a lawyer suit)
  3. Flashing Lights – Kanye West (“she don’t believe in shooting stars, but she believes in shoes and cars” – no, only positive thoughts, remember!)
  4. Live Your Life – T.I. (yeah, you are going to make it – Jesus, I am getting Fu-king corny)
  5. Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey (I have reached my destination – fully immersed in the cornfield)
  6. The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning – Smashing Pumpkins (this is a cool song from the Watchmen preview – I wonder if I’ll ever be in a movie – this song sounds like the apocalypse – why did that old bit*h just steal my spot on the bench?)
  7. Forever – Chris Brown (poor Rihanna, well maybe she’s a bit*h, dark place – yikes – next song)
  8. Invisible – Clay Aiken (what the fu-k? how did that get in there – did that chick see Clay Aiken’s picture on my iPod?)
  9. Light On – David Cook (finally an American Idol I can be proud to have in my iPod. I think.  song about leaving loved ones for life on the road.  life on the road will be lonely, but at least I will be working.  does an open mic in the west village tonight count as life on the road?)
  10. Proud Mary – Tina and Ike Turner (“Left a good job in the city”  Yes I did!  Well, technically I was going to leave a good job in the city, but a few months earlier the good job in the city said, “why don’t you stop workin’ for the man every nigh and day.  we insist.”)
  11. Hurt – Johnny Cash (imagining a painful second divorce later in life when my successful comedy is winding down)
  12. The Wrestler – Bruce Springsteen (not going to give up the ending of the movie, but let’s just say I am seeing the end of my comedy career)

With this playlist I am pretty sure I will get back into shape and have a wonderful comedy career that eventually ends in loneliness and despair with Marisa Tomei ditching me at New York Comedy Club.  Let’s hope The Secret is as bullsh*t as I think it is.

Massacre At The 14th Street Y

67-15, what ever happened to the mercy rule?

I was a much better basketball player in college than I am now.  I was a much better basketball player in law school than I am now.  Hell, I was very good at basketball two years ago at the Bronx DA’s office.  But something happened in the last 6 months – legal and comedic life were impeding my ability to get to the gym.  Also, I had no hoops court to play on.  So I was stuck playing on a corporate hoops team once a week, which is not enough time to get your rhythm or timing or skill set to where it could be. So now I just flat out suck at basketball. 

Now don’t get me wrong – I still have decent sense of defense and passing and boxing out, but my stat line at the end of a game usually reads like 9 points on 4-17 shooting, 10 rebounds (I’m big and tall – that’s the only reason), 4 assists, 6 almost assists (almost assists are common in these leagues for missed layups, etc. on good passes), leaving me a point away from averaging an imaginary triple-double.

But last night, in an effort to start playing more I decided to play on my former high school teammate’s team at the 14th Street Y.  Now I knew I was going to play in this game for several hours, but that did not stop me from having an order of breadsticks and personal deep dish pizza from Dominos(unbelievable what that sh*t does to you breath and system, but the on-line order tracking is very addictive) 75 minutes before the game.  I believe in psychology this is known as self-handicapping (my halftime excuse was: “man, shouldn’t have ordered that Dominos!”).

I arrived at the game 7 minutes late and sat most of the first quarter watching our team accumulate a 15-2 deficit, or something like that.  What I noticed is that our teams had a contrast in styles.  The other team was an athletic, undisciplined group that did not play fundamental defense and cherry picked for layups and dunks.  Our team, on the other hand, was unathletic and bad at basketball.  Throughout the course of the game I made sure to run hard so that I could at least burn calories.  Also I began Obama’s stimulus plan to weatherize homes by laying up brick after brick (0-9 from the field for the game).  Our team probably had as many turnovers as missed shots so the game spiraled out of control.  But for much of the game we compounded our rust/lack of skill with unathleticism and laziness.  Always a perfect storm for any basketball team.  Final score 67-15.  Not a misprint. 

After the game I brieflyflirted with the idea of stepping in front of a bus, but decided to comfort myself with a cupcake from Buttercup.  While in the store a woman stepped on my foot and turned around shocked to find Sasquatch behind her.  She then said, “I think you are the tallest person I have ever seen.”  I gave her a smirk that was combination “really?” and “Go fu-k yourself.”  She then said (per my Ferguson appearance): “Do you play in the NBA?” I replied “The Knicks, ever heard of us (girls like famous rich guys, but a famous, rich as-hole is the jackpot)?  Yeah, we lost 67-15 tonight.  You’ll probably read about it on a blog tomorrow.”

Tonight my regular team has a game at Dalton high school where I gave the crowd the middle finger when I was in high school.  Better place my Dominos order now.

Pet Chimp Shockingly Acts Like A Chimp, Name Changed…

Apparently part of the 99% DNA we share is the domestic violence gene

Monday in Stamford, Connecticut a 200 lb pet chimpanzee mauled a friend of its owner, who is now seriously injured in a Connecticut hospital.  The Chimp, whose name was Travis (I as hoping his name would be Ike or Chris), is now dead, but hopefully he has not died in vain.

Now this would not be as funny except for the fact that the chimp went out like Scarface.  According to witnesses he was a little “rambunctious.”  Weird – an animal from the jungle acting “rambunctious.”  Not sure what a more rambunctious chimp would be, but perhaps they noticed that he was throwing his sh*t around with a little more zip.  However, this chimp was a popular fixture in the community and had learned how to drink wine from a glass, use a computer and could clean and dress himself.  So I guess it was easy to forget that he was a fu-king animal!

During the day Travis broke out of the house (stealing his owner’s keys and unlocking the door – pretty impressive) and began stopping traffic, tapping on cars, which apparently meant that he wanted to go for a ride.  What set the monkey off is when the friend arrived and got out of her car with a new hairstyle that the chimp did not recognize.  So apparently, the chimp did not like the new ‘do proving that chimps can in fact be gay hairdressers, but with less fabulousness and more violence.  He mauled the woman horribly at which point his owner stabbed him several times to no avail. 

But when the police arrived he fled, but came back and tried to attack one of the officers (which was the second fight he had had in his life with police).  The officer then shot him several times, but Travis still survived to run off.  Travis’ last words were apparently “You know who I am?  King Kong ain’t got sh*t on me!”  Travis was found dead in his living quarters that he had crawled back to.

This end may seem touching and tragic to people, but I think it would be really sad if we don’t learn lessons from this.  I think the lessons are:

  1. If a chimp attacks the police there should be a one strike and you’re out rule.
  2. This should be chronicled on an episode of Cops so we can all learn and laugh.
  3. Chimps only make good pets in movies.
  4. Ladies – don’t do anything stupid with your hair or you might go to the hospital.

He’s Just Not That Into You

I swear I saw it for research and comedy purposes.

Last night when a mic I was on was cancelled I decided to catch a movie, you know, to do something I normally don’t do.  Since I like to what America deems the #1 movie (I saw Paul Blart – well 70 minutes of it before I walked out – possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and Taken) I bought a ticket to He’s Just Not That Into You.  Here is a breakdown (if I Twittered, I would have given the following list):

8:04 pm I see two women who used to work with me at the Bronx DA’s Office.  One assumed I would be writing about the movie, but called me out for using that as an excuse for seeing a chick flick.  To quote Dewey Cox – guilty as charged.

8:10 previews begin.  1st preview – A Matthew McConaughey romantic comedy.  Finally, something new for a change. 

8:11 – groups of women arriving late and trying to deliberate where to sit.  I mutter, sit the fu-k down

8:12 – preview of a crazy blond woman trying to fu-k Stringer Bell from the Wire who is married to Beyonce.

8:13 more groups of white women arriving late and blocking the screen – quick who are the only two groups who consistently ignore “don’t walk” lights in Manhattan?  White women and black men.  Who are the groups consistently late and talk during movies in Manhattan?  White women and black men.  Coincidence?  If you don’t think those groups rule the world who is our president?  A man with a black father and a white mother from a state with a city named Manhattan.  And who’s blog are you reading?

8:14 – Preview of a romantic comedy starring Paul Rudd

8:17 – Preview of a romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock

8:18 – I contemplate suicide as another group of annoying women walk in and bump my chair several times and another romantic comedy preview airs.

8:19 I notice that I am the only man by himself in a theater of about 300 theater goers.  Then, faster than you can say awkward truck stop encounter a lone male comes in and decides to sit two seats from me.  Just to cover my ass literally and figuratively I pulled a Larry Craig and told the women behind me that I just had a wide stance when I sat at movies, just in case the guy made a move.

8:23 – movie starts.  1 hour and 40 minutes of important lessons teaching women that they are really dumb when it comes to relationships. Lots of girls going, “oh my God, that is sooooo you,” and “ugggghh, she’s soooooo stupid.”  Then the last 20 minutes of the movie are spent making every one of the characters the exception to the rules that have been laid out, so low and behold, everyone is happy, except for the people that cheated, who still seem a little happy.

10:23 – lots of groups of girls outside the theater discussing the movie probably discussing the different characters are them or not them. 

12:01 am – girls who just watched the movie answering booty text messages, over interpreting signals from guys and making foolish decisions.  Lessons not learned.

UNC and Utah Jazz win. Almost A Great Night…

What About American Idol?

Last night was a real treat for me.  I caught the last moments of UNC beating Duke at Cameron Indoor (missed the game because I was killing (comedically) in Washington Heights in a bar for literally 11 people – comedy is funny like that – a great show can be for that small an audience, especially when you have perfected your “Obama as strip club DJ” routine as your closer – video coming soon).

Then I watched the Utah Jazz defeat the LA Lakers, which will be replicated in April or May of this year.

The last thing I had to watch on my DVR before going to bed was American Idol.  I have been hot and cold with this show since I started watching at the end of season 3, but this season I think they have assembled the characters well.  And perhaps it is the way the edit it (probably), but this season seems to have more talent that the last few seasons.  If you have not been watching this season I think you should, but that was not before my joy over hoops victories became temporary disappointment. 

Top Three Disappointments From Last Night

  1. Jamar Rogers was cut.  The guy looks like Pharrell Williams and has ridiculous vocals.  I am not really sure why he was cut.  I guess they needed one “shocking” cut.
  2. Nathanial Marshall was not cut.  He was clearly outsung by the person he had a sing-off with.  This guy is literally Nick Swardson’s gay character from Reno 911.  He would have to be the Human Torch to be any more on fire.  He would also be the most annoying character on the show if not for the most annoying human being on Earth…
  3. Tatiana Del Toro is still alive.  If you are watching solely to see her get eliminated I completely understand.  I am just hoping she is so disappointed that she steps in front of a moving bus. 

Top 5  With a Chance to Win (in no order)

  1. Anoop Desai – I am just waiting for one of the judge’s to refer to him as Slumdog Millionaire.  Pluses – the guy is not black or white, which would represent a change for American Idol.  He can also really sing.  Negatives – Lou Dobbs will claim American Idol has outsourced its competition.
  2. Jorge Nunez – 21 year old Puerto Rican so like Anoop Dogg (Randy Jackson said it, not me) he would be a new face for the competition.  He can also sing – sounds like a slightly deeper Marc Anthony.  Negatives – Madonna is trying to fu-k him.  Negatives for Madonna – Jorge is en fuego.
  3. Danny Gokey – The sympathetic choice who can actually sing.  His wife died and his best friend, Jamar Rogers, was surprisingly eliminated. 
  4. Matt Giraud – this year’s “soulful white guy” contestant.  But this guy is really, really good.  And he does not have Elliot Yamin’s dental problems
  5. Lil’ Rounds.  Would be the worst name by far of any winner, but the best voice in the competition.

Do I have too much time on my hands?  Sure.  Do I apologize for watching American Idol?  Nope.  Should I apologize for downloading David Cook’s new single on iTunes?  Maybe.

V Day vs. NBA

What dude scheduled this conflict?

NBA All Star Saturday is this Saturday, which also happens to be Valentine’s Day, the result of a conspiracy between women, Victoria’s Secret and Hallmark.  Now if you think Valentine’s Day, a day of purported romance and the NBA, an organization that almost changed its name to Fathers Anonymous in the mid 1990s, would make a strange pairing, you’d be correct.

Anyone that has ever been around an All Star weekend can tell that although romance may not be in the air, love making and more importantly, conception, is definitely on the mind of many festivity attendees.  Not withstanding that, putting the All Star weekend to coincide with Valentine’s Day is a bad move for men, which mean some guy at the NBA actually decided to schedule this.  Memo to the NBA: Stop letting the scheduling guy listen to Kanye West’s Heartless when he is setting the All Star schedule.  Perhaps he thought he was scheduling the WNBA All Star Game, which would make sense since there is a much greater chance that those dudes are dating each other (call it an unfair assumption, but since most of the WNBA are manly giants it seems like their workplace is their best bet on meeting a significant other).

For guys it’s a lose-lose situation.  Let’s assume your girlfriend wife does not want to watch the dunk contest, 3 point shoot-out, H.O.R.S.E. and skill competition.  That would make her normal since these competitions are usually a disappointment, but that does not matter.  You will either be out to dinner wishing you could watch these events, or if you don’t there’s a 50/50 chance your lady will assume you want to watch these events and will eye you with suspicion and contempt.

But let’s say your lady is an NBA fan or just kind enough to watch some of the events with you (beware of the trap “sure we can watch that”, which will become “I can’t believe you MADE me watch that” in your next fight post Valentine’s Day).  How long before she asks you, “Why aren’t your shoulders like that Dwight Howard guy’s?” To boot, if you are not black, Valentine’s Day would be a bad time to learn that your girlfriend or wife has a black guy fetish.

A Song To Save Chris Brown’s Career

In his defense was Rihanna singing Umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh at the time?

Just as A-Rod was watching his Hall of Fame induction chances dwindle, another promising career vanished before our eyes.  Chris Brown, the 19 year old chewing gum pitchman, had just gone Ike Turner on Rihanna, the popular glamor girl accompanied by excessive production, known today as a singer.  Both men punched their respective women, but Chris Brown stopped his anger at biting Rihanna, whereas Ike went all the way to rape, as Lawrence Fishburne showed in What’s Love Got To Do With It. 

It is a reminder that teen domestic violence is not just a problem with trailer park trash kids and the South Bronx, but also with celebrities.  The lesson – celebrities are real people just like you and me!

The bad news for Chris is that this is very hard to recover from.  Athletes can get away with it.  Warren Moon, Mike Tyson, David Justice – all had fine post women beating careers.  But Chris is the first teen idol, that is still a teen, to attempt so bold a career move.  Plus side – instant headlines.  Negatives – until we see one of the Jonas Brothers beat up their boyfriend we won’t know how bad this can get.  Perhaps no one told Chris Brown that he was dating a poor man’s Halle Berry, not the actual Halle Berry, and that unlike the real thing, Rihanna does not enjoy fisticuffs.

Also, like may guilty celebrity douche bags, Chris Brown has hired Mark Geragos, whose specialty is getting famous clients convicted.  Not a good sign.

As a help to Chris Brown’s undoubtedly forthcoming rehabilitation effort here is a song I have penned for him:

(sung to the tune of Forever)

It’s you and me

Getting a domestic violence felony

Tonight we will fight

And I will be a bad boy celebrity

Feel my white teeth biting and my clenched fists hit

Around you, around you

Ima beat you here, Ima beat you there.

You best be scared cause I’m right here, ready

You can’t go anywhere, go anywhere

But first, it’s the cops, gotto run, shut your moth bit*h

It’s like I fuc-ed up my whole life with this one night

It’s gonna be me you and the state judge

Cause I beat you that one night

ruined my career, ruined my fun

cause you sang umbrella, umbrella, umbrella

 

I think if Chris Brown released this song we could all find it in our hearts to forgive him this one time.

Why I Feel Bad For A-Rod

The fact that he had sex with the senior citizen yoga champ is only one reason.

For years Alex Rodriguez has been the target of Haters.  There is no other word for them.

When he came into the league he was insanely talented.  From the age of 20 he was putting up big numbers and he just kept getting better.  He was more talented, better looking and when he signed his 10 year, $250 million contract, richer than anyone else in the game.  But he never had the cool guy appeal of Derek Jeter that would get him undying loyalty of fans, or the bad guy demeanor of Barry Bonds that would get fans because of an almost anti-hero status.  Alex just went about his business and treated the game just like that.  He was a self-conscious business man playing a sport for a living.    He is a corporate sports figure and people resent him for it (at least America is finally hating the actually corporate d-bags as well).  He was too perfect, or worse, looked like he was trying to be perfect.  And it seems that nothing annoys people more nowadays, than the guy who is trying to be better than others.  It reminds others of their failings and builds resentment and a desire to uncover some hypocrisy or fault within that person.  America’s motto might as well be, “If you can’t beat them, beat them down.”

When the steroid and HGH scandal began breaking I kept saying A-Rod could not be guilty.  He had so much natural talent coming into the league: speed, power, skills that it did not seem impossible by any stretch that over the course of 8 years he could get gradually bigger and stronger.  From 18 to 23 I went from 205 to to 248.  And that was just subway sandwiches, protein shakes and hostility at being a hoops team bench warmer that went into that growth.  So why was it implausible that a professional athlete of A-Rod’s caliber could not put on 40 pounds of muscle in 5 or 6 years?

His transformation was not the transformation that Mark McGwire or Barry Bonds underwent, which resembled the origin stories of superheros (Bonds/McGwire was once a normal baseball player and then after the nuclear spill he grew to the size of a house and could hit a home run just by looking at the ball).  Not to mention that everyone involved with A-Rod in baseball genuinely seemed surprised when the news was revealed.

But there was a sign that something was not right with A-Rod.  It was not his stats, his build, his self-conscious behavior.  It was the fact that he was banging a former pop star who’s body now resembled a yoga infused Iggy Pop.  While Madonna seems committed to going from pop icon to Cher, A-Rod has fast forwarded right past cougar land into the era of the saber-toothed tigers.  Wasn’t this a cry for help? Injecting testicle shrinking substances in your body is no danger compared to sticking your dipstick inside that kabbalah cesspool.  Who knows, may A-Rod is gay and he is just banging Madonna because she is a step away from women and a step towards men.  If this is the case, might I suggest the transition team, so to speak, for A-Rod (in increasing order of masculinity):

  • Madonna
  • Jaime Lee Curtis
  • Ricky Martin
  • Lance Bass
  • Macy Gray
  • Hugh Jackman
  • Janet Reno

But it seems the safest way to be a sports fan is to be cynical.  For years fans (me included) bought that the ball was juiced.  Major League Baseball actually convinced fans that tight stitching was leading to home run records getting broken and then they make a show of outrage while they leave their Frankensteins out to dry.  I don’t know what A-Rod will say as his excuse, if he says anything at all, but if he says that he used them because he was tired of seeing his natural talent unfairly eclipsed by a game that was allowing rampant drug use then I could be ok with that.  He has enough years left in his career that I think he could rehabilitate himself, if the Haters let him.

And assuming there is an inquiry into steroids into comedy, it should be noted that my personal high in bench press was achieved prior to my comedy career and before Carrot Top showed up with Dwight Howard’s shoulders.