Good J-L Hunting

A recent breakdown of my finances coupled with the plate-tectonic speed of my comedy career have brought me to the conclusion that I will have to re-enter the workforce at some point towards the end of 2010.  With this dreadful idea comes several dilemmas:

  1. Do I embark on a new career?  If so would that be tantamount to giving up on a comedy career if I have to revert back to serving two masters?
  2. Do I just take a regular job while lying to the people looking to hire me when I should just be telling them, “Yeah, there are going to be a lot of sick and personal days in my future and a lot of bringer shows in yours.”
  3. Do I dare touch the legal profession with a ten foot pole?

The solution I have come up with is so good it is as if a Hollywood screenwriter came up with it.  What I will do is move out west and take a job as a janitor at a law school in Los Angeles.  At night in between open mics at clubs, coffee shops and dog yoga studios I will write out brilliant answers to questions posed on blackboards.  This of course will not stem from my legal analysis, which is quite pedestrian, but rather, from the fact that I have already taken the classes for which I am writing answers.

I will also work on my French accent and go by an alias, like Jean-Louis.  As the law students, half of whom want to be screenwriters and actors anyway, get wind of my story I will team up with one, preferably with a Jewish name and a father and/or uncle high up at a studio to put together Good J-L Hunting.  After all, Good Will Hunting is 12 years old, which in today’s culture seems almost over-ripe for a re-make.

After the movie grosses $80 million or so, thanks in part to the casting of Matt Damon in the role of the shrink that tells me to pursue my dream, I will be able to headline clubs around the country and field many offers for movie roles.

I’m glad I am starting to think realistically about my comedy career now.  Now I just need to learn how to mop.

Stuff I’ve Been Watching

In keeping with today’s cultural trend I will provide some random and short quips today on television (I have been watching more because the book I am reading on Robert Oppenheimer is sort of heavy – side note – is it possible that if Mel Gibson were sober he might have meant to say “Jews End All The Wars” – based on how many were involved with creating the Atomic Bomb?):

I have seen documentaries on Rwandan genocide that made me laugh more than the debut of Saturday Night Live.  Lorne Michaels needs more black friends because maybe he is looking for their permission to fire Keenan Thompson.  That guy has taken more jobs from deserving black people than segregation and Jim Crow.

Fred Armisen does such a bad Obama impression that Secret Service should arrest him.

Bill Hader of SNL is extremely funny.  His Kieth Morrison alone almost makes watching SNL worth it.

Friday Night Lights is a great show (re-joined Netflix to catch up on some shows that I have heard are great – Breaking Bad is on the list).  So of course it has terrible ratings.   it is odd to me that a show featuring good looking young people and football could not be a success.  It is as if America is collectively saying – give us shallow things, but don’t you dare deliver them to us in anything that could be called high quality.

If Modern Family can keep up the pace from its pilot then it will be the best comedy on television not named Eastbound & Down.

I watched a 5 part mini series on Sundance called Brick City, on Corey Booker and his attempt to change Newark, NJ.  I am now working on a Corey Booker impression and once I have perfected it one of two things will happen: Corey Booker will not get re-elected and will fade into obscurity, or he will gain an even higher national profile and then Fred Armisen will do an impression of Corey Booker that is so bad, it will make his Obama look good.

The Cleveland Show was not good.

Family Guy premier was great.

Glee started strong, but I think it will fade, only bolstered by religious-like support from women and gays.

Cougar Town – see Glee, but eliminate the started strong part.  And the term Cougar is really just a brilliant re-branding of “she’s kind of old, but yeah, I’d probably fu-k her?”

I have only seen 4 episodes of Jay Leno’s show, but only Jim Norton stood out to me as exceptional.

Bored To Death, Entourage and Curb Your Enthusiasm provide a nice HBO Sunday night.

At 4 pm, if not at the gym or sitting at my desk staring at the wall, I prefer Ellen to Oprah.

On Saturday will be the 2 year anniversary of my appearance on Craig Ferguson (my national television debut).  Since then, based on travel expenses, web expenses and gigs I have made about -$450 dollars from comedy.   My comedy career feels like the final third of a Behind The Music special; the downfall part, but without the awesome rise and hedonism that precedes it.

Voice of Behind The Music narrator: October 3, 2007 seemed like comedy was working out, but little did J-L know that was all about to change. Next after commercial.
Voice of Behind The Music narrator: October 3, 2007 seemed like comedy was working out, but little did J-L know that was all about to change. Next after commercial.

The Best Show No One Saw

Yesterday seemed promising.  Had probably the best lineup yet at Always Be Funny (two of America’s best up and coming comics – Amy Schumer & Julian McCullough, along with some of NYC’s best unheralded talents Brett Anderson, Mick DiFlo and Pat Breslin).   The lastshow had poor attendance except for a group of sh*theads who just kept talking loudly and drunkenly during the show.  Despite the negativity that permeates comedy and stand up comedians, the eternal optimist in us makes up excuses for bad shows (footnote Harris Bloom).  Mine was that it was the Thursday before Labor Day weekend.  But last night I hoped would be different.

I got to the bar around 8 for an 830 pm show and was happy to see that no one was there except the bartender.  No people at least means no hecklers.  A few people arrived, some to watch the show, some by accident and some to stand outside and talk for an hour before leaving.  All in all the audience of non-comics (though some comics did come by to show support – thank you) was 5.  We actually had more television credits (Amy Schumer carrying the bulk of them)than audience members!  That is a ratio that should never happen in comedy, especially for a free show.  The failure has to be mine as the promoter of the show, but it baffled me.  Is Thursday night the new Monday morning?

Meanwhile, as the show was starting I got a phone call from my girlfriend who was in my apartment taking advantage of my premium HD cable, telling me that the largest cockroach she has ever seen is scampering around my apartment.  Because one large bug generally makes me feel like I am in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, at that moment, my home did not even feel like a sanctuary from the comedy hell that was occurring.

Every comic was delivering good stuff and was getting as good as could be expected from 5 audience members.  Then I got on stage and delivered a rant that was worthy of an absent-minded dictator at the UN (footnote Jason Good).  Fortunately a documentary team was there filming so a whimsical look at abortion, racism and the friendless existence of comedians should be coming to an independent cinema near you in the future.   My personal favorite remark last night was: “This show, as a metaphor for life, is the point in a man’s life when he is in an alleyway sucking di-k for drugs.  You may see jokes and sarcasm, but this is the low point in my comedy career right now – a metaphorical back alley blow job.” My second favorite was calling myself Daniel Plainview (There Will Be Blood), but without the mansion and a bowling alley to kill someone on.

6+ years in and this is the difficulty with comedy.  I am a nobody in the business, so I only have few fans based on some road work.  But I am not new at this so all my friends have moved onto more important things, like fantasy football and masturbation.  And obviously I am not alone in these feelings since Brett Anderson did a great new bit on purging friends.  I guess the lifestyle I have to embrace is hitting me hard, but I will just have to do to it what I do to a woman who bumps into me on the subway: hit back harder.

So I got home and basically napalmed my entire apartment with extra strength roach killer, while I bitched about my show.  I slept poorly, but woke up and saw a giant dead water bug by my desk.  And that is when I knew today would be a good day.

Los Angeles So Far

So far the trip to L.A. is going well.  I went to an open mic on Wednesday and performed in front of 10 people, but it felt good because being in a new city I did not have the same bitter cynicism that I would have in a similar situation in NYC (see next week).  I also went to a Brazilian steakhouse with my website guru and his wife and ate (my guess) about 3 pounds of beef, which then led to a re-enactment of Jeff Daniels’ performance in Dumb & Dumber.

Last night I went to the LA Improv for a set and it once again served as a nice reminder that I am improving as a comic (small victories and reminders like that become increasingly important).  Two years ago I received good response, but last night I felt it was really strong.  I tried to load the video to my blog, but my blog does not allow for large videos, so you will have to take my word for it that it went well.

Tonight I am in Santa Monica so check the schedule for the address if you want to go.

Obamacare is the New N Word

I joked in a tweet a couple of nights ago that Fox Opinions (because it is not really news except for that Shep Smith guy – I wonder when they will fire him?) would try to link Kanye West to President Obama after he upstaged the angelic 19 year old country singer Taylor Swift.  And Kanye was wrong and Taylor Swift seems remarkably (and refreshingly) un-Hollywood for such a big star (perhaps, her humble Christian roots have something to do with it, or perhaps she just hasn’t been paid enough for a sex tape yet).  Whatever the case was I had this eerie feeling that white people in parts of the country would see beyond a vain entertainer upstaging a humble one and see it as yet another arrogant negro ruining a moment for a white woman (e.g. Sarah Palin, Emmit Till to name two such incidents).

But the larger truth is that small town, small minded white people feel incredibly threatened by Barack Obama.  When he was a humble, conciliatory campaigner who aspired (but did not and could not guarantee) bipartisanship he looked like that talented black man who could do wonderful things, but still had the tone on one who recognized that he could not do it all alone.  But now that he has decided to make change that not everybody agrees with, he magically transformed from Jackie Robinson to Malcolm X (pre-Mecca trip) for a lot of Americans.  There used to be a socially acceptable way for angry white people to vent their frustration at blacks.  But most mainstream racists now know that saying the N word is debate suicide, so they just attack the man shouting “Obamacare” (I will probably stop using it because I have just realized through a twitter search that it is used too often in derision and not as an easy shorthand as I thought it was) as their slur.

Democrats rooted against George W. Bush and derided him, but mostly because he spoke in a manner often unfit for POTUS status, waged an unnecessary and lie-based war in Iraq, mismanaged the war in Afghanistan, an honorable and necessary war, to the point that now Obama is facing incredible pressure to abandon it, which may imperil America’s safety, allowed Dick Cheney, who appears to be the only man more evil that Nixon’s squad of goons in the early 1970s, to run roughshod over the Constitution and sold the environment to industry.  There are 5,000 dead troops, over 4,000 from the Iraq War.  Global Warming is real.  These are the classic issues that have always brought on tough words and tougher protest.  But now, universal health coverage has become the lightening rod that pushed these people over the edge.  Not war (and if it was a white country, or at least non-Muslim nations, would these people have been as gung ho about it).  Not environmental degradation with disastrous and cataclysmic consequences.  Health care for all.  With numerous controversial proposals introduced by Republicans.  This is their best shot at Obama and sadly, there may be enough industry whores on both sides of the political aisle to derail it, which will be like getting a do over at the Civil War for some of these morons.

I will admit that I think economic fears have something to do with it also.  I think this country is greedy at its core.  If the economy had not tanked in September of last year, the election would have been A LOT closer.  People vote their wallets and their instincts in this country, in that order.  So when the economy tanked, some people who may not have wanted a black president voted their circumstances and decided their ideology could fight another day.  Well, now that the economy is not recovering in terms of jobs for people it is time to let the racism kick in, in its socially acceptable form – shouting angrily over anything that you can.

I recently read the book Nixonland, which is a weighty tome and sometimes difficult to wade through without a real substantive knowledge of all the political players of the 1960s and 70s, but Richard Nixon rode to the presidency on white frustration.  Not all of it was racial, some was economic (the way Republicans have continued to fool poor and middle class people that their economic best interests are with Republicans), but much of it was racial.  In the 1960s civil rights enactments along with racial riots made the Republicans the party of safety and the re-establishment of white order.  Well now that there is a president of color that battle has been lost, but that does not mean that equality’s victory over intolerance cannot be frustrated.  And that is what these TEA party folks are doing.  Their victory is unattainable so they’ve redefined their goals very simply: if we cannot win, then neither can he/they.

Even if you believe that Obama & Co. are going about health care in the wrong way, is health care for every American such an abomination on its face that it requires the same intensity of protest that Vietnam had, which these people are giving it?  And why do we have to cover these losers as if they matter.  Below is my recent interpretation of a Health Care Town Hall:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAyUoDEX0GE

Richard Nixon tapped into a feeling of helplessness that white people had.  Liberal causes almost always win the day eventually because to quote George W. Bush, “I believe freedom is the deepest need of every human soul.”  But those moments don’t really exist for ordinary white people because they have been on top since the country’s birth.  However, black people have come up from such depths that every milestone is a feel good celebration, culminating, of course, with the election of Barack Obama.

So the the TEA Partiers and their selfish and/or small minded sympathizers, my message to you is relax.  You are still white and in America.  Appreciate the natural advantages that still abound because of it and let people have health care and a president of color.   It reminds me of the scene in Goodfellas where Tommy (Joe Pesci) gets very angry at his girlfriend for over complimenting Sammy Davis Jr.  TEA Partiers and their allies at Fox Opinions are like Tommy (white, angry with no legitimate place for their real frustrations).  Obama is Sammy Davis Jr, but only worse, he is a Democrat.  And worse, he is trying to do something other than  dance, sing or shoot a jump shot.

If you read this and like it (or the video) – please forward on or re-post.  And if you don’t like it…

San Francisco Comedy Festival, Round 1, Day 5

I had a great set last night.  However, before the show I saw that it was mathematically impossible for me to advance so I went about 40 seconds over my time to finish the set well.  I was extremely happy with my set and a great bonus was that many members of the crowd were shouting for me (they did not know of the timing disqualification) when they announced the top 5 for the night (my point deduction for going over ruled me out for top 5 consideration for the evening) and it was acknowledged by the emcee.  So I guess I ended strong and am overall happy to leave on a relative high note. 

Thanks to the people who ran it and competed in it (not necessarily those that judged it).  This week it is off to Los Angeles to do some shows and then back to NYC.  Then time to hustle again for gigs.  Ugggggh.

More comprehensive blogs this week, but this was a draining and time consuming experience so nothing else to report.

FYI – I am taking a 12 hour Amtrak down the coast from Oakland to Los Angeles for the view and the experience on Tuesday morning.

San Francisco Comedy Competition – Round 1, Day 4

Last night was the night when my mental wheels came off.  I drew first spot, also know as “biting the bullet” because it is a tough spot.  Well, oddly enough I had my best set of the competition.  I was very surprised by Grass Valley, CA (140 miles outside of of San Francisco, so yeah, not San Francisco) and the fact that they were the first crowd of the week not to “ohhhhhh” at my jokes, showing that they are the first audience mature enough to handle the comedic equivalent of a PG-13 movie. 

But because my fellow carpooler and European named Dartanion London had a 2+ hour drive, we left at intermission.  I felt confident that I would place somewhere in the top 5, thus keeping my hopes alive for a semi finals appearance, but then I got a text from the emcee that I did not place (and to quell my readers’ fears – leaving early did not and could not cost me any points).

This one stung because I crushed it and went first.  Tomorrow, assuming tonight is my last show, which it probably will be based on the math, I will give you all a real breakdown of this competition.  But here’s a tidbit – there are 7 alleged categories that the judges score comics on – but they really are all “audience reaction.”  They have items like “originality,” but if your judges and audience do not know stand up comedy beyond Don Rickles at The Flamingo 40 years ago or Larry The Cable Guy’s most recent movie, then how will they actually know that the following line is terrible comedy: (word for word set up and punch line of a joke in this competition) “I was at the movie the other day and I saw a group of black people walk in and I was like, ‘man, now I’ll never hear what they’re saying.'”  Immediately followed by raucous laughter and applause.  In 4 shows there have been 1.5 black people performing and zero black people attending, so I guess if you have never seen a comedy show and never seen a black person that might seem like a revolutionary and daring joke.  So I guess originality is an incredibly relative term.  But I will save the full rant for when I am actually eliminated.

But last night was one of those nights, like after the Presidential election of 2004, where I had to consider the following, “Maybe I am just out of step with these people.”  I consider myself a pretty mainstream comic (sorry alt comedy, but I will never grow a beard and I will never say a punchline that has nothing to to do with my setup or proceeding story), but without being a pandering hack (though I have had missteps along the way).  However, if Anna Nicole Smith jokes, Carlos Mencia-lite stereotypes and redneck shtick are still killing today across the country then what is the point of doing this other than as a hobby? 

Well one more show tonight and then a week in L.A. to do some shows.  Time to start working on my traffic sucks material.

San Francisco Comedy Competition – Round 1, Day 3

Yesterday was a great day for many reasons.  The weather was nice, The Motel Aladdin, where I stayed last night had a great continental breakfast and, obviously, I did not get murdered in my sleep by the drifters that were probably staying at the Motel Aladdin or at least in the wooded areas nearby.  More importantly September 11, 2009 was the day that I officially got over 9/11, thanks to the overwhelming amount of Facebook comments from people who feel they have to let the cyber world know that they will not forget.  Phew, now I can finally sleep again. 

But the two biggest things of the day for me were John Stockton getting inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame and me not performing comedy in front of inbred white trash.

Well, I had a good performance tonight, in front of an extremely good crowd and went over by 6 seconds, thus disqualifying my performance.  Rules are rules and I am not mad about that.  I am actually mad that now that means my casino performance must remain as one of the 4 scores towards my final score (we perform 5 times and the lowest score is kept).  Keeping that casino gig on my record is the comedic equivalent of a rape victim being denied an abortion; I now must carry the shame of that performance for the rest of my comedic life, or at least until Sunday.

I will say now that when I summarize this festival, whenever it ends for me, I will be offering some harsh words, but I don’t want them to be taken as sour grapes, but merely reporting some strange observations about comedy.  Stay tuned – it could be happening as soon as Monday morning.

So with 1 good performance and two stinkers I am down 2-1.  But one of my heroes, John Stockton was also down 2-1 in many series and you know what he did?  He lost to Michael Jordan and the Bulls both times.

Day 4 better be good for me or it could be curtains.  We go to Grass Valley tomorrow, which, naturally, is 150 miles away from San Francisco.  Apparently it is a burial place for old hippies.  Great.

San Francisco Comedy Competition – Round 1, Day 2

The Lord giveth and he taketh away could define my first two nights of the competition.  After a good first night last night I made the mistake of not missing last night’s gig.  First off it was a 3 hour drive to the Indian Casino we performed at, or 4 1/2 hours with the traffic we encountered.  I probably would have had a more productive evening if we had driven off into a ditch for a few hours while I soiled myself. 

FYI – my fellow competitor and carpooler is Dartanion London, making us the most elegantly named pair of comics in the history of comedy outside of the Renaissance.

Well last night I got consistent “ohhhhhhhs” for my apparently edgy material.  Edgy if you live in 100% white, over-sensitive, under educated areas of California with Indian Casinos. I never approached the material that usually gets legitimate “ohhhhs,” but apparently last night I pushed the envelope in the wrong direction. 

We get to drop our lowest performance, so hopefully last night will be forgotten by me and the judges the way God forgot this part of California. 

Tonight is the third night and we are at the Napa Valley Opera House.  Because it is only an hour outside of a place with educated human beings I expect to have a better showing.  “This is like that movie Sideways…” HAHAHAHAHA

San Francisco Comedy Competition – Round 1, Day 1

Last night I finished 2nd in my first preliminary round in the SF Comedy Competition.  Thanks to my law school people that showed up (I knew going to good schools would finally pay off – national reach means more friends in more cities to come out to your shows around the country).

I was a little nervous on the venue, The Purple Onion, because I had to pass approximately 9 strip clubs and a very dirty Chinatown (is there a Chinatown in America that does not appear seedy?) to get there, but it was a very nice venue.  Unfortunately it is the only venue of the 1st Round actually in San Francisco.  The rest of the venues range from 60 to 200+ miles from San Francisco.

Tonight is a Casino show 130 miles from San Fran.  Update tomorrow.  Or check tweets late tonight.