A Letter to NY Knick Fans From A Utah…

Dear Knick fans (and Jazz fans who may read this on Twitter because it said Utah Jazz),

I head to DC tomorrow to begin part one of the three state/territory Utah Jazz tour on the East Coast (my one time to shine for all the Jazz fans who long for first person tweets during the East Coast trips).  First stop is in DC to see the Jazz play the Wizards, then Wednesday to New Jersey to see them play the Nets and then Saturday to Philadelphia to watch them play the 76ers. Given the atrocious record of these east coast teams it is no wonder that the Jazz are around 8-0 in the last 8 games I have attended (thanks also to the 140-139 OT win over Oklahoma City last year in Utah).  Obviously, not going to Boston will help my chances of extending that streak, not to mention the fact that the Jazz do not play the Knicks until March, which should be a very competitive game.  That brings me to the main point of this post.

Knick fans could learn a few things from Utah fans.  Both teams had similar recent histories: over a decade of success anchored by a 1980s superstar draft pick (Ewing for the Knicks, Stockton and Malone for the Jazz), two trips to the Finals, zero titles and numerous Jordan nightmares (though Bryon Russel’s is second only to Craig Ehlo, if that).  The difference is that the Jazz only had one awful season in the last 20.  The 2004-05 season was the only sub .500 season of Jerry Sloan’s tenure as coach of the Jazz (his 2003-04 42-40 season might actually count as a miracle if he is ever up for Sainthood – that team started four white guys, a Puerto Rican and had a Collins twin playing significant minutes off the bench and won 42 games.  That would have been impressive in 1958, let alone 2004).  Knick fans, on the other hand, had to endure one of the most bizarre decades of any team in sports history.

Awful signings (the Allan Houston mega deal started this because unlike other sports markets, New York fans cannot tolerate an intentional re-building period, so instead they overpaid for Houston to try and maintain their status as a mid-low level playoff team.  Instead that backfired and they sucked AND overpaid), terrible draft work and the tag team of Scott Layden (a former and current Jazz employee – once again showing what a genius Jerry Sloan may be) and Isaiah Thomas, not to mention the second worst owner in the NBA behind Donald Sterling of the LA Clippers, and you had a recipe for awfulness.

The Jazz during the decade quickly rebuilt the only way they could – with a lucky lottery pick (DeronWilliams), a backstabbing Duke Blue Devil (Carlos Boozer), another find from Louisiana Tech (Paul Millsap – I have owned a Millsap jersey for over two years, way before it became cool, which I dont think it has yet) and of course, white guys (Mehmet Okur, Andre Kirilenko, Gordon Hayward).  Just two years after they lost 56 games they were in the Western Conference Finals.  But that is as far as they have gone.

This year, the Knicks added some pieces and had some players mature and develop.  Amar’e Stoudemire has been a top 5 player in the league, even if he is a worse rebounder than the Knick’s rookie shooting guard Landry Fields (both a knock andcompliment in one statement).  Raymond Felton has proven that being a slightly above average point guard and being chubby-looking can still be explosive in a Mike D’Antoni system.  And Wilson Chandler and Danilo Gallinari (but especially Chandler) look like they could be ultra-championship level role players (or in the case of Chandler a possible 2 option behind Stoudemire).  In other words, the Knicks have made incredible strides in only one season.  So what is the Knick fan response?  Is it one of cautious optimism in trying to nurture and further develop the identity and cohesiveness of this team?  No  it is get Carmelo Anthony as soon as possible.  In other words, Knick fans cannot help but be New York sports fans – get rich quick – win now, I’ll-sleep-when-I’m-dead mentality. Instead of the ten years helping Knick fans wise up andbuild the foundation they are already talking about removing some of the foundation for a flashy rooftop pool (that is a weird analogy, but go with it).  Without sounding like Bill Simmons too much – it is like the scenario in Teen Wolf trading in Boof for Pamela.  In the end Scott realizes who he should be with (and he still got to bone Pamela – win win!).  But in the Knicks case, they cannot have both.

Most Knick fans have been in a coma for so long (or in the case of their legion of investment banker exploding fist-bump fans a cocaine and prostitute induced stupor) that they forget that building a team is more than star power.  Carmello and Amar’e are not Wade and LeBron.  And if you get into an arms race for star power you will lose because Miami will always have the bigger guns.  But what you can do is take a page from the Spurs or the Pistons or even the early-mid 90s Knicks and build an identity and a team.  Right now the Knicks all seem to be fitting into their defined roles nicely.  Adding a superstar scorer and a sub-par defender like Anthony will only make the Knicks’ strength stronger and their weaknesses weaker.

My advice to Knicks’ fans would be to take a deep breath and instead of begging for Carmelo Anthony – go get someone like DeAndre Jordan of the LA Clippers.  First of all, he is a free agent at the end of the season (that is what the Internet told me). Second, he is young.  Third, he is the second most athletic big man in the league after Dwight Howard.  Fourth he will allow Amar’e (seriously what is being contracted that necessitates an apostrophe?) to move to his natural position of power forward and then the Knciks could shift Wilson Chandler or Danilo Gallinari to 6th man, thus guaranteeing either player a permanent spot in the top 3 voting for 6th man of the year.

More importantly the Knicks will have addressed their biggest needs (shot blocking, rebounding and interior defense) without compromising their biggest strength (team cohesion).  Carmelo may be great, but he is not great at what the Knicks need.  Take it from  a Jazz fan who during the apex of Malone-Stockton days could have used a defensive center to protect the basket (all due respect to Greg Ostertag, Felton Spencer, Ike Austin and every other tall man that has played center for the Jazz during their title runs) and could use one now to get over the dominance of Pau Gasol, a/k/a The Big Llama for the last few years (all due respect to Kyrylo Fesenko – who proves that confused looking, untalented, immense foreign centers don’t just exist in sports comedy films).  But Utah has never been a place that could attract a player of that caliber at that position.  But the Knicks can and should.  Even though I am not a Knick fan, it was easy to cheer for, or at least respect the Riley and Van Gundy Knicks.  Getting Carmelo Anthony would just make the Knicks the 2002-2008 New York Yankees – a team with high expectations and no heart.  Ask any Yankee fan who they’d rather have Paul O’Neill or Jason Giambi and I would tell you I see the same differences between Wilson Chandler and Carmelo Anthony.

I write this because I have a brother who still likes the Knicks after an awful decade and friends who still genuinely like the Knicks (I mean the ones who still posted angry comments last year and the year before, not the ones who sort of ignored the Knicks for 5 or 6 years andare now back with a vengeance) and they have an opportunity that Jazz fans don’t (this is going to be me and Jazz fans as Ben Affleck and Knick fans as Matt Damon at the end of Good Will Hunting).

The Utah Jazz will win a title one day, hopefully before I’m dead, but it will take brilliant drafting and some white guy who probably has not been born yet to be comfortable in Utah (we already had a black superstar who was comfortable in Utah and he brought us close, but what are the odds we will find another hunting, country music loving, truck driving black basketball player again?).  The Knicks on the other hand have something that Utah does not – New York City.  But they have wasted it and now they are ready to waste it again by bringing in the player everyone wants, but not the player they need.  Like Bill Clinton, the Knick answer to “why did you bring in ‘Melo?” will be, “Because we could.”  Teams like Utah do not have that luxury, but the Knicks fans seem to be intent on falling for the star power again instead of doing what teams like the Jazz have done with success and that is trying to bring in the correct piece versus the “best” piece.  The Jazz may have a ceiling of 2nd round playoff team (barring another African-American hillbilly hall of famer), but the Knicks, withthe city behind them can build a winner if they do it the right way.

But will they build it the right way?  Will they be content to be good, hope that that is eventually going to be good enough and run the risk of never winning a title (the Utah Jazz method), or will they get scared, make the obvious move to keep everyone happy short term – like some sort of superstar ponzi scheme?  Because the right method could win you 47 games, but if it works it could get you 60 and a title.  The ‘Melo move guarantees you at least 55 wins, but almost definitely guarantees you a conference finals or semifinals loss every year.

And one last morsel of food for thought: What does it say that ‘Melo has been Randy Moss-ing parts of this season?  Is this a guy who is ready to lead a team in tough times and sacrifice or is he an extremely talented front runner (who also punches and runs during fights – have Knick fans forgotten that?) who will eventually let you down.  So as a Jazz fan I say, “if you’re still here in 20 games begging for Carmelo Anthony like all the other dumb fans, I’ll fu*king kill you” (insert Boston accent).  Instead, Donnie Walsh and Mike D’Antoni should leave for LA as soon as the season is over, or before the trade deadline and just leave a note for their fans that says “We’ve gone to see about a center.”

The Dilemma of The Dilemma

So to the shock of my Mother I have not yet seen a movie in 2011 (I chose to stare at a wall for hours a day in Connecticut, rather than see Season of the Witch with Nicholas Cage).  But after a two week drought, it will come to an end when I see The Dilemma on Friday.   There have been few films that have caused me as much of a dilemma as The Dilemma (I am going to use “The Dilemma” in this blog the way Jersey Shore’s The Situation overuses the word “situation”).

Here were the positives I saw in the preview.  The movie is being brought to us by Ron Howard who has a ton of great credits ranging from comedy to drama (and some bad ones – Angels and Demons to name one).  It stars Vince Vaughn, who has become hit and miss, but is still capable of terrific rapid-fire comedic delivery, Jennifer Connolly in a classic “I need a paycheck and to stay relevant, in case anyone has forgotten just how hot I was in Career Opportunities” role, Winona Ryder and rising star Channing Tatum.  Not one of these actors is above doing a terrible movie and none is a Leonardo DiCaprio where every movie they do is at least an attempt to be great.  But add in Maroon 5’s single “Misery” to the preview and you have enough to make me want to spend money from a gift card to see it.  But there is one real concern for any movie fan or decent human being.

Kevin James.

Kevin James is a chubby, likable fellow from a successful television show and in my estimation, not even a terrible actor.  But what he does is make movies that are beyond terrible.  He is like a cooler at a casino.  As soon as he decides to get involved with a project his acting does not suffer, but the movie magically turns into an all-time worst film (or he has actually has the worst sense of humor in the world).  A brief look at his most significant contributions to cinema:

Hitch– a decent romantic comedy, proving that Will Smith and Eva Mendes (who I found out recently threesomed her way to stardom) are the level of star power needed to counteract The James Effect.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry– I made it through a little over an hour of this alleged comedy.  I laughed exactly zero times.  Of terrible movies – Adam Sandler and Kevin James are Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan.  There should be UN peacekeepers in Hollywood anytime those guys agree to make a movie because human atrocity is soon to follow.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop – a huge hit and one of the 20 worst films ever made.

Grown Ups – I learned my lesson and stayed away (though it looked HILARIOUS when Kevin James fell down a hill and urinated in a pool).  Not a surprise that it has made most critics top ten worst films of 2010.

That is an incredible sample of awful.  I mean even “actors” like Paul Walker, Mike Epps and Bow Wow have managed to produce a more impressive roster of films.  The only person on par with Kevin James is Tyler Perry, and even Tyler Perry was in JJ Abrams Star Trek, which is better than Hitch.  I look at Kevin James’ resume and all I think is that he is the exact opposite of a great athlete or actor in his prime.  In fact, he may go down in history as the anti-John Cazale.  For those of you who are not cinema buffs, John Cazale made only 5 films before an untimely death – Dog Day Afternoon, Godfathers I & II, The Deer Hunter and The Conversation.  All five were nominated for Best Picture.  If not for Hitch, Kevin James might have been on that track of anti-greatness.

And I will admit that I am personally offended the dilemma of the Kevin James effect.  As  a comedian it is bad enough that Kevin James seems unable to film a single funny thing, but what’s worse is that because he is fat and simple he is a huge hit in America.  It just goes to show that in a country increasingly narcissistic (every marketing campaign you see on television is some derivation of “it’s yours” or “it’s about you!”) culture we enjoy seeing someone who looks like us or looks worse (i.e. obese) and is going for the easiest laugh possible (nut shots, head shots, etc.).  If you don’t believe me check out the trailer for his next “film,” Zoo Keeper:

It is the same, unfunny garbage and it will be a big hit.  So my dilemma with seeing The Dilemma is do I think Kevin James has accidentally picked a good movie to be in?  Check my Facebook account Saturday morning for the review.  Hopefully it is not the funniest thing to come out of The Dilemma.

Hartford Journal – Part 1: Three’s Company

So the last time I had a roommate (not a roommate in the Manhattan sense that you are actually apartment mates, but literally sharing a room with someone) was sophomore year of college.  Overall, having a roommate was relatively pleasant despite having had my laundry urinated on in a drunken episode.  (epilogue – my sophomore year roommate is now a Medical Doctor, which is actually a great ad for Williams College – See, at Williams College even people who appear to be potential fu*k-ups end up quite successful).

Well a 12 year streak came to an end last night at the Hartford Funny Bone comedian condo last night.

When Matt, the Funny Bone driver and doorman picked me up at the Amtrak station we had the following conversation:

J-L: Is the headliner staying in a hotel?

Matt: Nope he’s in the condo and you might have a roommate.

J-L: Where is the emcee from?

Matt: Florida

J-L: So when you said roommate you meant as in a guy in the bed 3 feet next to my bed.

Matt: haha Yes.

J-L: And since he is coming from Florida when you said “might” you meant “definitely”

Matt: haha Yes.

So the bad news was that I had a guy with a mustache sleeping 3 feet from me, but the good news is that the headliner Dean Napolitano and emcee Nick Cantone are both cool dudes and it turns out that the week should be pretty fun.  We also  have all swapped ex-girlfriend stories and I won by a landslide so I felt simultaneously like a winner and a huge loser.  I am hoping that Nick hooks up with a girl in the room though because I have always wanted to be a Jersey Shore/Real World person who is peeking out of their covers laughing while the person in the bed next to them has sex.  Hopefully that can get crossed off the bucket list.

The condo is both full of amenities and a semi-dump.  it has a laundry room, full kitchen, clean bathrooms, and also a 32″ flat screen tv.  But at the same time the 32″ tv is on top of a broken “60 tv and the furniture, carpet and comforters probably have the same amount of biological material as a bedspread in a hotel with hourly rates.

Last night’s show was fun, but I definitely delivered a B-.  For the first time I can remember the crowd was actually more generous than I deserved (usually they are right on or stupid).  I was trying to integrate about 6 newer minutes in my set, but I ended up meandering more than I wanted to.  Tonight will be good.  Hopefully a new video or two to my website and YouTube page from this weekend.  You’re welcome in advance.

Fight The Useless Fight?

The great film Inside Job, which was my #1 movie of 2010 has a peculiar ending.  After about 90 minutes the movie asks people to keep fighting and that things can change.  Perhaps the director is an optimist or perhaps he just thought no one would want to see it if it was 100% gloom and doom.  Well, it is less than a week into 2011 and just today there are four articles in the New York Times that have me incredibly depressed (admittedly I have not finished reading the paper today):

Pomp & Little Circumstance

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/05/opinion/05wed1.html?_r=1&hp

John Boehner and the Tea Party are a fu*king joke.  I cannot pussyfoot this point.  The Tea Party give Republicans populist street cred while the Republicans are the tit to American business’ greedy baby (some Democrats may be the rattle or toy for that baby, but the Republicans are startling unified in their unyielding support for big business).  It is stupid and sickening.  And turn the page to the business section…

GOP asks Businesses Which Rules To Re-Write

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/05/business/economy/05letters.html?ref=business

So the lessons the Republicans have learned over the last 10-30 years is that there has been too little regulation of business?!  Poor business – record corporate profits last year, high unemployment of average Americans – yeah, what we need is too let corporate America be more free of regulation.

Detroit Carmakers Post Robust Sales Increases

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/05/business/05auto.html?ref=business

Now that I am done fuming at Congressional Republicans, this one is for the American people.  Congratulations Detroit auto sales are up.  I guess Americans have smartened up and are now buying fuel efficient cars and are helping power Detroit into the next century as an automotive world leader.  Oh wait no, because gas prices are no longer as high people do not give a flying fu*k about the environment or giving billions to regimes in the Middle East and are buying up trucks and SUVs at high levels again (with the exception of the Ford Fusion).  Great job America.  Just like I believe we need Congressional term limits (3 terms in the Senate, 10 terms in the House would be a good start) we need a gas tax.  The majority of people in America care about their wallet, their bank account, maybe their family and nothing else.  So it is time to speak in a language America understands.

Friends With Benefits

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/01/04/friends-with-benefits/?hp

Goldman Sachs.  Enough said.  Good luck non-billionaire investors.  I wonder if there any internal e-mails at Goldman calling Facebook a “piece of crap.”

Happy New Year

Thanks for reading my blog, following my website, comedy career, etc.  Not much to write now, but if you are one of the people who happens to see this post, thanks.  But here are my resolutions for 2011:

  1. Finish my book
  2. Write a screenplay
  3. Get a manager
  4. See my ab muscles again
  5. Quit comedy

See if 1 through 4 don’t happen, then I am blaming all of them on comedy and can at least accomplish one resolution.

I will be at the Hartford Funny Bone starting Thursday so please come again if you were one of the 20 Facebook friends I added my last visit there.

10 Favorite Things from 2010

If there was an Oprah of bitter and tall New York City comics who are struggling just to attain the mediocre life of a working comedian, then it probably would not be me, but I might be the Gayle King of that group.  So before embarking on 2011, here are my ten favorite things of 2010 (it should be no shock that Manny from Modern Family and PMSports.com did NOT make the list):

10.  Gilbert Arenas.  The funniest/ballsiest photo of the year (and all due respect to Louis C.K. and his legions of hip fans – this was the ballsiest thing in comedy since Stephen Colbert’s address at the White House Press Corps dinner) was snapped in the first week of January and belongs to the former Washington Wizards guard.  He was facing federal gun charges and a suspension from the NBA, but that did not stop him for orchestrating a mock gunfight during player introductions.  Stupid, insensitive and hilarious.  Great way to kick off 2010

The ballsiest thing in comedy this year.

9.  My Brett Favre Wrangler Commercial.  Thanks to Comedian Nick Cobb and the rest of the cast who helped make this my most viewed clip on the web (5,000 views – not great, but I’m pleased)

8. Utah Jazz vs. Oklahoma City Thunder game in Salt Lake City.  I made my first trip to Utah to see the Jazz play and I was treated to a 140-139 overtime win in what was the best game in the NBA last year.  That also capped a year where I saw 5 Jazz games in person and the Jazz went 5-0.  They then promptly went 0-4 in the playoffs.
7.  Inception.  Seriously if you don’t like this movie go fu*k yourself.  It is great and original and hope that Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Tyler Perry and Twilight have not ruined movies.
6.  Two songs – Bad Romance and Jean-Louis Be Goode.
The first of these songs was an absolute beast by Lady Gaga and I am not sure if I should be ashamed to say that.  But because the song is so enjoyable I don’t care (once again I am not against pop music – I own a Hanson album and have 4 backstreet boys songs on my iPod – I have no pride if something sounds good – BUT, I am against crap like Bieber and Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” – the worst song ever made that is both pop and unlistenable)
The second song I wrote in an inspired trip to Baton Rouge where I performed in a mist of cigarette smoke for 4 shows in front of 110 people (combined, not per show) sung to the tune of Johnny B. Goode:

Deep down Louisiana close to New Orleans
Way back with people obsessed with LSU’s  football team
There stood a comedy club made of earth and wood
Where telling jokes was a boy named Jean-Louis Be Goode
Who actually learned to read and write very well
But he preferred telling jokes inside a comedy hell

Go go
Go J-L go
Go
Go J-L go
Go
Go J-L go
Go
Go J-L go
Go
Jean-Louis Be Goode

He used to carry legal papers in a leather sack
Now he walks aside the roads and the railroad track
Oh, doing shi*ty southern gigs with no car
Since Ferguson wondering how he fell so far
The people watching his act would stop and say
Oh my when is the headliner gonna play

Go go
Go J-L go
Go
Go J-L go
Go
Go J-L go
Go
Go J-L go
Go
Jean-Louis Be Goode

His mother told him “Someday you will be a man,
And maybe then you’ll abandon your comedy plan
Dozens of people coming from miles around
To ignore the jokes you tell when the sun go down
Maybe someday your name will be in lights
saying  “Manager on duty tonight.”

Go go
Go J-L go
Go
Go J-L go
Go
Go J-L go
Go
Go J-L go
Go
Jean-Louis Be Goode

5. War.  By Sebastian Junger.  Phenomenal book by Vanity Fair writer who was embedded with a combat division for four months in Afghanistan.  I did not make it through the documentary Restrepo, filmed by Junger at the same time he was reporting, but the book was much more riveting than the hour of the film I watched.

4. The Rock N Roll Hall of Fame.  During one of my several trips to Cleveland to perform this year I made a visit to this museum.  I spent six hours there.  That is significantly more time than I have ever spent in a museum, including school mandated sessions.  Cleveland may have lost Lebron, but there will always be at least one reason to visit.

3.  Inside Job and Bill Maher.  I have already written how I felt Inside Job is the best movie of the year and should be required viewing in 9th grade classrooms.  But equally valuable to the political discourse has been Bill Maher this past season.  I am not in complete agreement with Bill Maher on everything, but this season he was absolutely brilliant.  Jon Stewart gets a lot of credit, but, ever since his tirade on Crossfire where he basically pulled the bait and switch that he has also pulled on Jim Cramer (hey I’m a comedian, you’re not prepared for me the way you would normally be for a political interviewer and then WHAM!  I crush you on television by coming prepared with ideas from my smarter team of writers while I make you look like a jerk on your own show!).  Now Stweart is often right, but Billl Maher never tricks people – you know where he is coming from and what his agenda is from start to finish.

2. All the people (especially friends in different cities, but certainly not excluding New York City) who came out to see me perform and also gave me couches and beds to sleep on.  Thanks very much.  You make my meager “career” possible.

and the best thing of 2010….

1) Breaking Bad– Season 3.  That is right, better than my favorite movie of the year, better than anything I made (thus defeating my own high sense of myself) and even outranking friends who have given me a place to stay while on the road is Breaking Bad.  For anyone who prefers Dexter or Modern Family or The Good Wife – shut up.  And I have dedicated too many words already for the pretentious who have elevated Mad Men from a solid period drama into the greatest thing ever filmed.  There is a rumor that AMC has delayed the 4th season of Breaking Bad to allow John Hamm to win best actor for Breaking Bad because Bryan Cranston has won three straight.  So AMC is showing who their favorite child is, but they are also tipping their hand on who the better child is.  Do yourself a favor in 2011 – catch up on Breaking Bad before season 4 begins in July (I think AMC is starting from the beginning next week some time so get the DVR ready).

My 2010 In Comedy

After reviewing all of my posts in 2010 it certainly has been an eventful year full of ups and downs, except financially, where it has mostly been downs.  For all the fans and/or readers of www.JLCauvin.com or just looking for yet another year-in-review to read here goes.

JANUARY

  • Took an 18 hour train ride to Detroit and an 18 hour bus ride back to NYC for a gig that netted me $12.  (one of the harsh lessons of 2010 was that club owners don’t give a fu*k in many cases, in developing careers for comedians or bringing in really good comedians, when they can skim a few dollars off of the top and just pay an ok local comedian).  The people of Detroit made it worth it though – they bought 22 CDs from me with all the money ($220 x2 = $440 because I gave it to a matching donor) going towards the Red Cross for earthquake relief in Haiti. 
  • Saw LeBron James wearing a Cavs jersey in Cleveland in person in a basketball game.  I did not know that I would not have another opportunity to see this so I’m happy I did.

FEBRUARY

  • Lost the father of a friend and a comedy fan – Mike Crotty Sr. from Belmont, MA.  Any comedian can appreciate this man when they read what I wrote.  In a business that can feel quite lonely and misguided – people of Mr. Crotty’s magnanimous spirit are worth ten thousand fans.

MARCH

  • Was kicked in the face by an amateur stuntman in a College Humor Video.
  • Was tripped by a woman (on purpose) after a set at Karma Lounge in NYC when she disapproved of my set
  • Lost in the second round of March Comedy Madness
  • Auditioned for Greg Giraldo for Last Comic Standing.  Did not get passed through.

APRIL

  • Performing just outside of Baltimore for a weekend performed for a crowd that cheered (not ironically) for the Tea Party and Sarah Palin.  This became the first of many awkward moments  occurring around and below the Mason Dixon line in 2010.
  • Unsuccessfully began a campaign to stop Betty White from hosting Saturday Night Live.

JUNE/JULY

  • Big month of travel – great shows in Toledo, Ohio and Chicago, Ill.  Also performed to indifferent crowds in Asheville, NC and Atlanta (Atlanta was the best I did in the South in two years, but I graded out to a B at best.  If I had less optimism and more realism for the speed and intelligence of the Southern sense of humor I would have taped one joke in every club I performed at over the last two years and then stringed them all together – the four weakest reactions and slowest reactions would have come from the four southern venues I have worked).  The South will not rise again.  Sorry.
  • Flew myself to the midwest on short notice (various Benjamins were spent) for an audition at a club, where if I did well I was told I could anticipate two weeks of work a year. Did 30 minutes.  Killed it.  Club told me I killed it.  Have contacted the club 8 times since then.  Have not heard back. 
  • Finished second out of 72 comedians in New York’s Funniest Comedian contest (there were many, many NYers not in the contest that are very funny).  1st place won $2500.  Second place – second place in a comedy contest.

AUGUST

  • opened for Patrice O’Neal in DC. I worked with several headliners this year, but none could touch what O’Neal did at the DC Improv in August.  I felt like a comedy fan for the first time in a while watching his sets.

SEPTEMBER

  • A giant of comedy and my personal favorite comedian, Greg Giraldo passed away.  A terrible loss to comedy.
  • Performed at a hospital for patients that did not have all of their faculties, but they still knew not to laugh at me.
  • Opened for Paul Mecurio in Connecticut – meaning that the headliner and feature both had law degrees from Georgetown.  A sad day for GULC.

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER

  • Performed in Hoboken for a woman who wanted to fight me and another woman who criticized me for making such an obscure reference of Ben Roethlisburger.
  • Got to hear a middle aged white man drop an N bomb at the bar of a Long Island club.  Then got to perform for that individual fifteen minutes later.
  • Lost in contests in Indianapolis and Boston.
  • Performed for 115 people in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.  That was 115 people over the course of 4 shows.  At least 47 of those people laughed.

DECEMBER

  • Had a brief spat with a “comedy” sports website.  I got paid my twenty dollars.
  • Had great sets in Chicago and Verona, NY.  I have been paid for one of those gigs.

So it has been an eventful year, but at least one thing is already looking up in 2011 – I am going to get paid for at least one gig.

My Top Ten Movies of 2010

Other than my year in comedy review (will post next week), the only thing I have spent more time on is probably watching movies.  Yesterday I posted my ten worst movies of 2010, so today it is time for a rare burst of positivity from JLCauvin.com – the top ten movies of 2010. But first some honorable mention titles:

  • The Town– being a mash-up of The Departed and Heat may be unoriginal, but that doesn’t stop it from being quite good
  • Waiting for Superman – A touching and powerful documentary.  Would have been in the top ten if they had spent even five minutes discussing the one problem schools will not be able to stop – bad parents.  It is easy to feel bad for and touched by the children of devoted and struggling parents, but even if schools were perfect, there would be thousands of bad parents whose children would fall between the cracks.  Still a strong movie though
  • Countdown to Zero– scary documentary about nuclear weapons
  • Tangled – Second best animated movie of the year
  • True Grit – a solid movie with A+ performances, but the movie fell short of my expectations and of the top 10
  • The King’s Speech – British people during Nazi aggression – any way this doesn’t get 10 nominations.  A very good movie, but not great
  • Client No. 9– works best as a companion piece for the stellar documentary Inside Job.  After watching both you will be convinced that powerful interests were at play in exposing Elliot Spitzer.  At this point, for all the good he tried to do I’d be okay with him having prostitutes in the Governor’s mansion.
  • Fair Game– Sean Penn and Naomi Watts were great in this movie about Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame (though I was disappointed that Gollum from Lord of the Rings was not cast as Robert Novack).  There were some fictional add ons which degrade the movie as completely credible, but the basic story is true – Bush administration lied about yellow cake – Joe Wilson wrote about it – Bush administration exposed his wife as a covert CIA operative.  Where was the Tea Party during that?
  • The Other Guys – some people may question this choice, but I did not laugh at any movie more than this one this year.

And without further adieu, here is my Top 10:

10. Green Zone

Paul Greengrass and Matt Damon teamed up before for the last two Bourne films, and Greengrass also directed one of the best movies ever made (United 93) and  this one did not disappoint.  Many people were disappointed in the lack of action throughout the movie, and the one-sided politics, but the story is clearly based on the true fact that the U.S. in its blood lust to seek justification to war with Iraq, trusted intelligence from a very untrustworthy single source.  Sometimes the truth is one-sided and Green Zone is outstanding and unapologetic.

9. Toy Story 3

The worst Toy Story movie is still excellent.  Pixar is basically assured of a spot on this list every year (though Cars 2 next year may be a push).

8. Let Me In

Normally I would be wary of a re-make of a film that just came out 2 years ago, but Let Me In, about a pre-teen vampire, is just as good as the excellent original, Let The Right One In.  And maybe liking this movie just fuels my disdain for a country that prefers poorly written and acted vampire films starring talentless turds.  Any other Twilight fans?

7. The Fighter

I have never thought Mark Wahlberg was a particularly good actor and yet, since 2006 4 of his films have made my list (if you count The Other Guys in the honorable mention – with The Departed and Invincible in 2006).  Of course, The Happening, was my worst film of 2008 so he is clearly hit and miss.  The Fighter is not Million Dollar Baby, but it is a very solid movie with no weak spots.  Christian Bale, Melissa Leo and Amy Adams are all excellent (Oscar for Bale is almost certain).  But is anyone tired of the Boston accent being so omnipresent in Hollywood now?

6. Catfish

In a year full of tremendous documentaries, this was the second best.  The Social  Network was a great movie making and very entertaining, but Catfish is so good at showing the real life implications of Facebook (what we all do, but to various, and for the most part, lesser degrees – living our lives on-line).  I cannot write too much about it because there is a twist.  And part of the twist is that it is a twist that you do not expect.  The final half hour of this movie is my favorite section of any movie this year that did not involve a van falling slow motion into a lake.

5. Carlos

The star of this film playing Carlos the Jackal, the infamous, but largely unsuccessful terrorist (I have dubbed him the Jennifer Aniston of terrorism) should definitely be nominated for best actor.  I only saw the 2 hour, 45 minute version of the movie (there was a 5+ hour version released briefly in theaters), but the movie is so epic, yet moves with a brisk pace that the best thing I can say is that I wish I could have seen the 5 hour version.

4. 127 Hours

Best actor – James Franco.  Done.  It may seem like a gimmick or a film school project to make a movie about a guy whose arm is stuck under a rock, but this is done so well and Franco is so engaging and entertaining (and the real life guy is a certified badass) that you forget how simple the movie is.  This movie could have been number one if I did not enjoy the top three so much.

3. The Social Network

I had wanted to write a pilot script about a year ago and around that time I began watching The West Wing.  8 weeks later I had made it through the entire season on DVD and was thoroughly discouraged.  Aaron Sorkin’s writing was so intimidatingly crisp and brilliant that I knew whatever I wrote would not measure up and would feel like a complete waste of time.  Well, Sorkin Wrote The Social Network and it was outstanding.  A great film with great performances (he has not gotten as much credit or hype, but I think the guy (one actor) who plays the twins should be nominated for best supporting actor.  The movie is 2 hours and it was one of the few films this year that I never checked my watch.  It just moved and flowed so well.  The only way to surpass Sorkin this year was to be even more creative or to just be a devastating true story.

2. Inception

The reason why the mere existence of movies like Twilight, the A-Team, Yogi Bear, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker films, etc.  is bearable is because there are still some big studio filmmakers like Christopher Nolan who are so inventive, creative and dedicated to make high quality work are around making films like Inception.  This move had, by far, the best sequence of any film this year.  That quadruple dream sequence with people floating and the van falling in slow motion was, for lack of a better phrase, fu*king awesome.  Great cast, great script (I look forward to the original screenplay showdown between Sorkin’s dialogue and Nolan’s brilliant overall concept), great film.  For those that said it was too confusing I say to you – enjoy Twilight, the A Team, Yogi Bear, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker films, etc.  Hell, you might as well go see a Kevin James movie while you are at it.  But a movie about people who steal your dreams could only get second best of 2010.  The best film is about people who are stealing your money.

1. Inside Job

The last time I had this powerful a reaction to a movie I was watching the first 25 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.  For all the terrifying blood and fear of the battlefield that Steven Spielberg showed in SPR, that same feeling was brought out by the greed depicted and moral outrage I felt watching Inside Job.   When I saw Deep Impact I remember feeling terrified at how helpless we would be if a giant asteroid were headed towards Earth.  Well, the corporate greed in America and the government that is owned by them have steered America on what feels like an inevitable path of self-destruction.  Wealth disparity + government ownership = more wealth disparity +…

Both parties have been and are guilty, but the GOP is the principal actor and continues to manipulate the masses into believing that the American Dream is possible for everyone and that America is #1 in everything and anyone who contradicts that is un-American or unworthy of your vote or support.  And then behind closed doors they ensure that what they just promised all Americans is in fact, not possible.  This documentary is just a fact-by-fact explanation how unbridled capitalism has brought us to this place.  It certainly is not a feel good film, but I think it should be required viewing in ever 9th grade class in America.  When my girlfriend saw it on my recommendation she said that someone leaving the theater dismissed the film as “well, that was one-sided.”  Well sometimes the truth is one-sided.    We are too eager to find compromise on issues in this country because compromise always seems best, but not when one side is completely wrong.  That just means you are edging away from the truth.  I always thought it was some leftist, hippie cry that “corporations own the government.” Well it is not some liberal, hippie cry or some apathetic surrender – it is the truth and Inside Job is your guidebook.

The Ten Worst Movies of 2010 (that I saw)

Another year is coming to a close, which means I have once again seen a lot of movies.  This year, unlike last year, I made an attempt to avoid awful movies (for example I did not see or rent Grown Ups because Adam Sandler and Kevin James are the closest thing to crack-cocaine in terms of brain cell destruction, nor did I see Saw VI because I believe it is wrong for a film franchise to have three consecutive films that claim to be “the final one”).

Sidenote- seriously does Kevin James ever wake up and think, “Man if I sucked di*k for drug money on live television I would be less of a disgrace to my family. I have made three of the worst films ever recorded – Chuck and Larry, Paul Blart and Grown Ups.  And I know it.  And I have tons of money, but I don’t care.  I want to make dumb Americans even dumber and profit off of them mercilessly.”  And can we stop treating Adam Sandler like he is some beloved entertainer?  I know he reminds you of that moderately cute and cool kid in your Hebrew School class, but the dude is done.  Mr Deeds, Chuck and Larry, Grown Ups, Little Nicky, Big Daddy, etc.  The guy has done everything he can to kill good taste.  Enough – please collect your cash and go away.   

So naturally, despite moderate efforts I was unable to avoid bad movies for several reasons.  Travelling to comedy clubs around the country and having spare time, Oprah Winfrey and wanting to see if Samantha Jones finally gets AIDS were all contributing factors to the several terrible films I saw this year.  Before I get to the Bottom 10 I want to share a special note of two movies that were not worthy of the “worst,” but based on critical praise and box office success, are the two most overrated films of the year:

Box Office Overrated Film of the Year

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Over $300 million is what this film pulled in.  Weird is the best way to describe it.  Boring is a very accurate way to describe it.  Johnny Depp – you were cool and talented the first eight times you played a weird character, but now it feels redundant.  For a change, try playing a male with genitals who does not talk like a pretentious college student who has returned from a study abroad semester and now pronounces Barcelona as Barthelona.

Overrated Movie of the Year – Critics

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT

For me, the reason to give gay people all the rights they deserve is selfish: I am tired of Hollywood patting itself on the back for showing gays as regular people and then acting like they re-invented the wheel.  But that was ok for me with Brokeback Mountain, which I thought was pretty damn good, but what really gets me is when a mediocre movie that is lathering itself in every indi-film cliche is praised as a great film.  Enter The Kids Are All Right.  Granted there were other movies that will be nominated for best picture like The King’s Speech (will be this year’s “we have to nominate at least one movie with British people and one movie related to the Holocaust, so why not nominate this one which has both?) and Black Swan (dark artsy-fartsy, but interesting in parts), which were interesting, but incredibly overrated, but the Kids Are All Right really stands out.  It just is not that good.  The movie is a B- at best, but critics have treated it like The Godfather fu*ked Amadeus while Goodfellas watched.  If you have not seen this or have and thought it pretentious enjoy this brief cinematic interlude:

But none of those movies were worthy of being on:

J-L CAUVIN’S TEN WORST FILMS OF 2010

10. The Deuce – (tie)

Sex and The City 2 and Iron Man 2

Two sequels – two bowel movements.  Iron Man 2 is shameless in what is becoming a Hollywood trend – we have a hit, we want at least three films and everyone will pay for the second so we can make it a huge bag of sh*t and make half of the movie about setting up and establishing things for the third film.  It is literally the middle child before there is a third child.  The movie was just mediocre, but because of how shameless it was and how much worse than the first it was – it earned a spot on the list.

Sex and the City 2: It was good to see these old bags who have influenced a generation of emotionally and spiritually lost women go out like Brett Favre – with a cinematic equivalent of an interception.  Here is the summary of the Carrie Bradshaw saga: she finally gets her man (women will give a good guy one chance, good penis a few chances and a super wealthy guy almost infinite chances – see “Mr. Big”).  And what does she do when she gets her better looking Trump?  She complains about the monotony of married life, makes out with an ex boyfriend in a foreign country and complains to her hubby when they eat dinner in for…wait for it… two consecutive nights!  The lesson for all the women who wanted to be Carrie, thought Carrie was fabulous, came to NYC to have a “Sex ad the City experience:”  Carrie was a bitch.

9. Black People Besides Tyler Perry Can Make Bad Movies (tie) –

Lottery Ticket & Copout

When I saw Lottery Ticket I was hoping for something in the vein of Barber Shop and when I saw Copout I was hoping that Tina Fey was writing Tracy Morgan’s material.  I was wrong on both.  Lottery Ticket, starring fully grown Bow Wow produced the unthinkable – it offered a movie where Mike Epps, an incredibly unfunny human being, was the funniest thing in the movie.

Copout, combined with his deplorable HBO comedy special, proved that Tracy Morgan is completely unfunny when Tina Fey is not writing his words.  I was harsh on Fey when she was the head writer of SNL, but this chick has apparently worked miracles to make Tracy Morgan appear funny every week on 30 Rock.

8. The Worst Thing Clooney Has Ever Done –

The American

Even George Clooney can go to far.  Here is how I think this boring movie was made: George Clooney spends time in Italy fu*king models so he said, what if you filmed me driving and looking thoughtful while I was on vacation in Italy?  And maybe throwin a few conversations, some guns that we barely use but just show me putting them together?  And what if this was all so boring and self-indulgent that when I do a sex scene with a woman who is off the charts hot, it still cannot save the movie?  What, Hollywood – you love me so much, like a quarterback who is also in an A Capella group, that you are afraid to tell me no?  Let’s do it!

The review for this film can be summed up by the young black woman who was siting in front of me while watching it.  With about 15 minutes left in the movie she just, “Damn, this movie SUCKS.”  Sometimes talking at movies is OK and this was one of those times.

7. They lost me when Adrien Brody fu*ked a lab creature –

Splice

I thought this was going to be a tense sci-fi thriller.  Instead about one hour in to a relatively mediocre movie Adrien Brody fu*ks a creature he created in a laboratory.  From then on it became one of the worst films of the year and the most awkward moment I saw in a movie since Willem Dafoe ejaculated blood in Antichrist (last years #3 worst movie on my blog).

6. I think it is time to admit that The Rundown was accidentally entertaining –

Faster

The Rock was the most entertaining WWF/WWE star of all time.   Then his first starring movie not associated with a Brendan Fraser franchise was the very enjoyable The Rundown.  Seemed like he was destined to do great things – maybe not Oscar great, but legitimately solid entertainment.  Faster is the death of that optimism for me.  When I saw previews for Faster I thought – “Man, that looks like Taken, but on steroids!”  What it was was Taken on creatine with a lobotomy.  How they managed to make a movie about a dude travelling the country murdering people for revenge somewhat boring is beyond my intellectual capacity.

5. Even low expectations could not save these bad westerns (tie) –

Jonah Hex and The Warrior’s Way

Jonah Hex I saw while on the road.  I would have been better off lying in the middle of a road.  I think it was written in about 14 hours because it felt like it had potential if someone had just written a story.

The Warrior’s Way I saw with a buddy because I had already seen everything that he had not promised to see with his girlfriend.  The Warrior’s Way is honestly one of the 20 worst films I have ever seen, but since I had no interest in it and my expectations were zero I did not think it deserved a higher spot on the list.

4. I really hated this fu*king movie and its awful 3-D –

Clash of the Titans

I am sort of shocked that this was not the worst film of the year but it is close.  Between Avatar, Clash of the Titans and Terminator Salvation it is obvious that Sam Worthington is unable to act with actual people.  And after Clash of the Titans, maybe he shouldn’t be allowed to.  A giant bag of crap (shame on you Ralph Fiennes and Liam Neeson) and the poster child for the other cinema scam – 3-D.  I actually was able to watch half of the movie clearly without 3-D glasses and the 3-D was terrible (James Cameron rightly criticized the filmmakers for scamming people for extra ticket money, but not providing legitimate upgrade in quality).  I hate 3-D and I hate how it is becoming an automatic surcharge on every other movie now.  No one likes watching movie with special glasses.  It is annoying and when it is accompanied by a giant piece of crap like Clash of the Titans it really sucks.  And yes, a sequel is being made.

3. Like Mexican sex shows – only the horse was entertaining –

Secretariat

If the horse in Secretariat only had two film credits – sex with Mexican prostitutes and Secretariat, he should leave Secretariat off of his resume.  Schmaltzy to the point that the entire dialogue could have consisted of Jon Favreau screaming “who’s the wild man now?!” from Rudy and it would not have been as corny and embarrassing.  The only thing that was good in the movie were the 15 minutes of horse racing.  Everything else was awful.  I wanted Seabiscuit (but about the greatest horse of all time), but instead got a terrible ABC Family made-for-TV movie.

2. Even when he tries, Tyler Perry sucks –

For Colored Girls

This year Tyler Perry finally got to show off his diversity as a filmmaker.  For so long he was known as the creator of shi*ty comedies.  Now we all know he can make a shi*ty drama.  This movie actually has several good performances, but it is a TERRIBLE movie.  One dude kills his own kids, one guy gives his wife HIV, one guy rapes his date, one (unseen character) abused his daughters.  The one good guy is a cop, but his wife cannot have kids because… wait for it… a man gave her an STD when she was younger.  I think the movie is for colored girls by default because it is definitely not for colored men.  It is also a lazy movie, because rather than adapt the original text to w workable film script he just has the character inexplicably delivering long, poetic monologues which do not work in a movie.  Tyler – just stick to your day job of making shi*ty “comedies.”

1. When steroid abuse doesn’t kill who it’s supposed to (and your 2010 champion) –

The Expendables

A tremendously awful film.  Just like when white women feel like they need some fulfillment they open a cupcake store with family money and pretend to be serious entrepreneurs; when old white men feel unfulfilled they make movies like this.  An absolute embarrassment for even half-decent action movies, men and decent taste this is your champion for 2010.

I could not say it any better than I did in August on my blog – so enjoy:

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=1798

Tomorrow – Top 10 movies of 2010.

The Award For Biggest Charade

The Christmas season is a time when awards and end of the year honors are talked about.  Whether it is the Golden Globes, Time’s Person of The Year or the Oscars this is the time of year when people suggest and nominate people for excellence or notoriety in the past year.  Of course there is a set of nominations named at this time of year that are nominally more relevant to me than the Golden Globes, but for which I have as good a chance of winning as I do an Oscar – the ECNY Awards.

ECNY awards stand for “Excellence in Comedy, New York.”  Now, I am unabashedly competitive.  I have always been competitive – academically, athletically, even when walking down the street and I feel like someone is trying to pass me and walk faster.  It is why I have repeatedly entered comedy contests to the point of possibly being insane;I hope and want to win (and win money).  If I was less competitive I would probably be a happier person with my comedy career and wouldn’t go ballistic whenever read a Facebook update about someone booking clubs or shows that I have not/cannot.

That’s me.  Asshole?  Perhaps.  But I admit who I am.  One problem I have with comedy awards is that this business is so littered with “real people” who pretend to abhor awards and competitions.  They are the folks who will strut around saying “awards have no place in comedy” and “competitions are stupid” and “how do you judge comedy with awards?” but then cannot wait to seek validation through giving and receiving these awards.  Comedy is like the acting world, but with less transparency of people’s ambitions.  The whole scene reminds me of the goth kids on South Park, who considered themselves too cool for mainstream and think that they are incredibly unique and uncompromising individuals, not realizing that they themselves had participated in forming their own group-think and cliche.

There is a parade of nominations that occur and I think a couple of people have nominated me for a few things, and I nominated my Brett Favre video (hey can 5,000 YouTube viewers be wrong?  absolutely).  But like TSA at airports, I believe the nomination process is cosmetic.   Any comedian on Facebook in the NYC area should be able to predict who will be nominated for these awards.  So with that said I will be re-naming some of the awards to reflect my predicted nominees.  Of course, this is (mostly) not aimed at the nominees, but simply at the process, for which the dye is already cast, and at the people who would act above awards and pretend to be artists but because of industry carrots dangling before them, are unabashedly competitive.  Your categories are:

Best Male Comedian – “Who has the most television appearances this year – Comedy Central Presents a Plus, Comix appearances also a plus.”

Best Female Comedian – see above

Best Host – “Who runs the shows most heavily promoted by Time Out NY”

Best Podcast – “All comics listen to Marc Maron, right?  So how about him and 4 others.  Did he already win? Fu*k.”

Best Sketch Video – “Have the people nominated last year done any new videos this year, because it would take too long to watch lots of videos from people we do not know.”

“Best Improv Group” – “Improv is painful most of the time, but to look all-encompassing as a comedy awards show here ya go”

Best Website – “What websites, regardless of design and innovation, are the best at promoting already established acts or acts with sufficient industry heat behind them, while never critiquing or offering substantive industry commentary or criticism beyond consensus beliefs for fear of risking their own access to events?”

Outstanding achievement in tweeting – “which hyper liberal with possible Comedy Central connections do we like?”

Emerging Comic – “If you are on Facebook enough and get enough invites to Time Out NY-favorite and Comix shows you will know at least 3 or 4 of the nominees (New York’s Funniest finalists from the contest preceding the NY Comedy Festival a definite plus.

Now of course, most of the people nominated will be talented and funny and I do not mean to disparage them.  And I have no problem with awards shows.   But the charade of a nomination process (sort of the on-line version of “open call” casting lines) coupled with the “awards are beneath comedy” hypocrisy make this sort of an offensive exercise.   Do you really think dozens of podcasts are being reviewed for quality, humor and insight?  Or that hundreds or maybe thousands of YouTube videos are being watched?   It is not that seeing 5 talented comedians get nominated is a crime – no one will be upset with the eventual nominees.  But the injustice is in promoting a charade as some egalitarian and official process, while I believe that if even one good comedian (let alone dozens) is not given equal recognition and consideration for his or her nominated work then the whole process is corrupt.  But there is some industry presence at these awards, which combined with an outpouring of delusional submissions for nominees gives an air of legitimacy that is far bigger than it should be.  I would have no problem with a committee picking all the nominees without an open process.  But like Presidential and Congressional elections, the powers that be need the proletariat to engage in the process to give it legitimacy, while simultaneously undermining their own interests by participating.

But a sincere good luck to most of the eventual/already decided nominees – you all work hard at what you do and comedy is a great thing, even if the comedy business sucks.  But if we can be honest about this: there is a new award category this year for the ECNYs – where people can nominate their own category.  How about: “biggest charade.”

But here is the most telling thing I learned about comedy over the last couple of years.  I wrote a blog not so long ago that basically denounced the comedy industry (not comedy itself) as just a microcosm of American capitalism run amok.  I bashed bringer shows and open call lines in particular, but generally the culture of a profession that could take people’s dreams and personal work and manipulate those for one-sided financial gain.  The blog was forwarded around extensively and I had many people comment on it and tell me in person that they thought it was great.  The thing you need to know about comedy is this – over half the comments posted to the blog and supporting what I had wrote were left under pseudonyms or anonymous.  Good thing there’s no award for courage in comedy.