So to the shock of my Mother I have not yet seen a movie in 2011 (I chose to stare at a wall for hours a day in Connecticut, rather than see Season of the Witch with Nicholas Cage).  But after a two week drought, it will come to an end when I see The Dilemma on Friday.   There have been few films that have caused me as much of a dilemma as The Dilemma (I am going to use “The Dilemma” in this blog the way Jersey Shore’s The Situation overuses the word “situation”).

Here were the positives I saw in the preview.  The movie is being brought to us by Ron Howard who has a ton of great credits ranging from comedy to drama (and some bad ones – Angels and Demons to name one).  It stars Vince Vaughn, who has become hit and miss, but is still capable of terrific rapid-fire comedic delivery, Jennifer Connolly in a classic “I need a paycheck and to stay relevant, in case anyone has forgotten just how hot I was in Career Opportunities” role, Winona Ryder and rising star Channing Tatum.  Not one of these actors is above doing a terrible movie and none is a Leonardo DiCaprio where every movie they do is at least an attempt to be great.  But add in Maroon 5’s single “Misery” to the preview and you have enough to make me want to spend money from a gift card to see it.  But there is one real concern for any movie fan or decent human being.

Kevin James.

Kevin James is a chubby, likable fellow from a successful television show and in my estimation, not even a terrible actor.  But what he does is make movies that are beyond terrible.  He is like a cooler at a casino.  As soon as he decides to get involved with a project his acting does not suffer, but the movie magically turns into an all-time worst film (or he has actually has the worst sense of humor in the world).  A brief look at his most significant contributions to cinema:

Hitch– a decent romantic comedy, proving that Will Smith and Eva Mendes (who I found out recently threesomed her way to stardom) are the level of star power needed to counteract The James Effect.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry– I made it through a little over an hour of this alleged comedy.  I laughed exactly zero times.  Of terrible movies – Adam Sandler and Kevin James are Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan.  There should be UN peacekeepers in Hollywood anytime those guys agree to make a movie because human atrocity is soon to follow.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop – a huge hit and one of the 20 worst films ever made.

Grown Ups – I learned my lesson and stayed away (though it looked HILARIOUS when Kevin James fell down a hill and urinated in a pool).  Not a surprise that it has made most critics top ten worst films of 2010.

That is an incredible sample of awful.  I mean even “actors” like Paul Walker, Mike Epps and Bow Wow have managed to produce a more impressive roster of films.  The only person on par with Kevin James is Tyler Perry, and even Tyler Perry was in JJ Abrams Star Trek, which is better than Hitch.  I look at Kevin James’ resume and all I think is that he is the exact opposite of a great athlete or actor in his prime.  In fact, he may go down in history as the anti-John Cazale.  For those of you who are not cinema buffs, John Cazale made only 5 films before an untimely death – Dog Day Afternoon, Godfathers I & II, The Deer Hunter and The Conversation.  All five were nominated for Best Picture.  If not for Hitch, Kevin James might have been on that track of anti-greatness.

And I will admit that I am personally offended the dilemma of the Kevin James effect.  As  a comedian it is bad enough that Kevin James seems unable to film a single funny thing, but what’s worse is that because he is fat and simple he is a huge hit in America.  It just goes to show that in a country increasingly narcissistic (every marketing campaign you see on television is some derivation of “it’s yours” or “it’s about you!”) culture we enjoy seeing someone who looks like us or looks worse (i.e. obese) and is going for the easiest laugh possible (nut shots, head shots, etc.).  If you don’t believe me check out the trailer for his next “film,” Zoo Keeper:

It is the same, unfunny garbage and it will be a big hit.  So my dilemma with seeing The Dilemma is do I think Kevin James has accidentally picked a good movie to be in?  Check my Facebook account Saturday morning for the review.  Hopefully it is not the funniest thing to come out of The Dilemma.