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Exactly the grade I did not want to give Rocky Balboa

There is not a lot of fighting, Rocky flirts with a woman who is just barely more attractive than Adrian in Rocky I and Rocky’s son sucks for the second straight film (but not literally his son like in Rocky V), but this movie is pretty decent.

Stallone is very solid in this film. And by solid I refer to his acting and not his pecs, but for 60 years old Stallone is pretty jacked.

The movie focuses on depressed Rocky, who is sad over Adrian dying. Paulie is still a drunk sh-tbag. He then decides to fight the current champ because he needs to feel good about himself.

I will not tell you how the film ends, but the fight scenes sort of suck. Part Sin City, part Nine Inch Nails video, part Cinderella Man. The strength of the film really is Stallone’s performance to be honest. The weakness of the film, other than the fighting was the crowd which started shouting “Get him Rocky” and clapping during scenes in the movie.

I needed some inspirational film though after seeing the Utah Jazz lose to the Knicks a few nights ago at Madison Square Garden. After the game, which ended with a Knick layup at the buzzer I lost a fight badly to a steel door. After the game I went and got a beer and asked for some ice and a bag or a ziploc baggie from the bartender. I think she thought I was speaking some foreign language because 5 requests later she still didn’t know what I was talking about. Possibly the annoying jazz music that was blaring (thus making 2 times in one night that the Jazz were ruining my evening). Then some woman at the bar looks at me and says, “What do you need a BAGGIE for???” I glared at her and said “My heroin.” Then I realized that when the Jazz lose to the Knicks, as well as when I am awake, I can be a real asshole. Then again the woman said she was moving to Russia, so who gives a sh-t.

Preview of next week – my Top 10 movies of 2006. I am on vacation from work next week so I will be seeing the remaining movies that I want to see. 2 Marky Mark films will be in the top 5 though.

Could this be the worst movie ever made?

Before getting into the main focus – I saw a sneak preview of We Are Marshall this weekend. It was OK. Matthew Fox of Lost and Ian McShane of Deadwood are both quite solid. But the movie belonged to Matthew McConaughey and my impression of him afterwards. His performance had a few phases. The first was as a dumb George Bush. That’s right – a dumbed down version of George Bush. “I am a football coach. I coach football.”

The next phase was as awkwardly dressed 70s coach – which was outfitted perfectly. And he kept doing this thing where he pointed at people with three fingers which was weird. I think he told McG, the director (yes the film was directed by someone who calls themselves McG) – “Listen up McG – I’m Matthew McConaughey and I have this thing I want to do where I point with 3 fingers – it’ll be my thing. I will even not take off my shirt in this movie so that I can do the 3 finger thing.”

His last phase was as inspiring leaders of football team. Blah blah blah.

The movie’s best feature was that it was not Happy Feet. Its worst feature was that it was not Invincible (which comes out on DVD tomorrow and is still in my top 5 for the year – although some strong competition coming out in the next week – Dreamgirls, Good Shepherd, Letters from Iwo Jima).

However, Invincible will not be getting any competition probably from a little film coming out Wednesday called Rocky Balboa.

One of my signature bits, if an unknown, unpaid comic can have signature bits, is on the Rocky film series. The joke has been modified and improved with tidbits on the plot from Rocky Balboa. The real question I will have Wednesday when I go see it is: Is this going to be the worst film ever?

If RB is mediocre I will be sad. If it is good I will be shocked. If it is awful I will be happy. I have never gone to a movie to see how bad it is. RB will be the first. Rocky I and II were legit movies. III and IV were testosterone soaked music videos, but enjoyable. Rocky V was a crime against humanity. And Sly still has the audacity to come out with a 6th film.

I am nervous that it will be mediocre and not awful. Ebert and Roeper have given it 2 thumbs up and Newsweek seem to have positive things to say about it. It is like finding out some person you want to hate turns out to be not as bad as you have heard and you are disappointed because you had your heart set on hating their guts and talking sh-t about them. I need Rocky Balboa to be that piece of sh-t.

In an attempt to piggyback off of the hype around RB, I will be posting the new version of my Rocky joke – let’s call it Rocky 2.0 – on Youtube in the next 48 hours. I will want people to watch it and forward it and watch it some more. And yes I admit I am a Rocky profiteer. I am the Halliburton of Rocky fans. Even though children will become retarded while watching the movie, people will waste hard earned dollars on it and the apocalypse may actually be brought upon us because of this film, I am willing and able to advance my own career on the hype that it generates.

Let’s just hope it REALLY sucks.

Gotham Comedy Club and My Office Christmas Party

So I have had a strong week of comedy performances. It started with open mics on Monday and Tuesday, during which I began to question why I was doing comedy.

But then I had a big show on Wednesday at Gotham Comedy Club. It was a full house and I was very eager to get on stage when I was told, “Darrell Hammond is here. Do you mind if we bump you and you go on after him?” I said that I didn’t because I felt confident enough to follow Mr. Hammond. Well that and he appeared a little bit wasted.

He went up there and did well and got lots of laughs. I then got up there and had one of the 3-4 best sets of my life. It felt good and then Darrell Hammond came up to me and said “Really good stuff.” It felt nice and it took more than double the customary two hours for me to feel depressed again about not being a “pro.”

But then I had to shift gears dramatically because Thursday was the annual bureau Christmas party. And I had promised and previewed a long skit featuring 10-12 impressions of people at my office. They are so good that they should replace all the famous faces on my website’s background, but no one would have any idea who they are.

So as the time got closer and my blood alcohol level got higher I began to get nervous. What if I get fired? What if I offend people I work with and get canned and have to live off of my $6.75 a month pay from comedy (at least that is the rapid rate at which my CD is flying off of the internet shelves)?

But I got up there and killed. Best show of my life. Bar none. The premise was that an e coli outbreak had occurred at White Castle and that someone bribed someone with the health inspector’s office. Like I said, the material and impressions probably would not work at a club, unless that club was filled with people I work with. But thanks to my prestige as a “bringer” I can always guarantee a few people from my office at comedy clubs.

But let December 14, 2006 be known as the date that I became the unofficial King of Office Party Comedy. Like real comedy it does not pay me anything.

Have a good weekend loyal reader.

Human Sacrifice and the Worst Penguin Movie Ever

As promised this weekend was a weekend of movie watching and since I wanted a theme I decided to see Apocalypto and Happy Feet because of their obvious similarities.

First was Apocalypto, Mel Gibson’s Gore de Force about pre-colonial Mayan Civilization. I went to see it by myself because all of my friends did not want to support Mel Gibson. I, on the other hand, cannot turn my back on the man who directed The Man Without A Face. So I bought ten tickets for all of my sensitive friends who won’t see it.

When I got into the theater 20 minutes before showtime I was surprised to see the theater packed. Even on the Upper West Side of Manhattan Mel still apparently has friends. Among those friends were a woman with a 6 month old sitting behind me and an old couple who kept snoring throughout the first half of the movie. I also spilled a full order of pretzel bites on the floor which put me in a bad mood before the movie.

So the movie went like this. The first half is Mel Gibson taking you into a very different language and culture. It sort of resembled a creepy National Geographic special. Lots of male ass cheeks in loin cloths and lots of female breasts, but in a tasteful way (i.e. not the kind of scenes you will re-wind on DVD). The second half is how a violent tribe kidnaps and sacrifices men of the peaceful tribe to appease the gods and get a draught to end. Hearts still beating were ripped from chests and heads were severed. And the main character manages to escape which turns the second half of the movie into a Mayan Fugitive. “I need a hard target search of every loin cloth, forest tree and dark cave. Our fugitive’s name is Dr. Jaguar Paw.” I kept wanting to hear Harrison Ford shout out in Myan, “He switched the samples. Did you kill Lentz too?”

The movie was really good, but not great. Mel Gibson has issues and I honestly believe anti-Semitism is not the most pressing. This guy loves violence and making people see human suffering. But as a credit to his filmmaking, you do feel it. I give this movie a very low A- (almost a B+). I can’t wait to see the sequel they are talking about: Sugartitso.

The next day I went to see Happy Feet because nothing gets you in the mood for an animated film about penguins like a film about human sacrifice. Happy Feet sucked. Once again proving that the only animated movies worth seeing start with one of 2 words: Pixar or Shrek. What happened with this film I believe is that they saw March of The Penguins and said, I think we can make a cartoon out of this. Basic plot – penguin can’t sing like others, but can dance. Penguin feels like an outcast, joins a thinly veiled Latino gang and learns his value and helps everyone.

The pluses of this film are the baby penguin’s dancing, which is cute and very funny to watch. That’s it. Negatives – Hugh Jackman’s voice work as an Elvis-type penguin is embarrassingly bad. He made me want to kill penguins. Robin Williams voices not one but two crappy characters. Oh Captain, my captain – stop it. All I kept doing during the movie was thinking of how to make the movie funnier. They almost all involved penguins meeting very violent ends.

The fact that this movie is the #1 movie in the country the last few weeks is an embarrassment. I give it a D+.

Tonight is the finale of The Wire, Season 4. There is nothing on TV or in theaters that compares to it. That show is so good it wouldn’t surprise me if they kill a penguin or Hugh Jackman in the finale to avenge my anger at Happy Feet.

Lou Diamond Phillips is a landmark in American film. Starting out his young career playing Richie Valens in La Bamba, moving on to roles like “peyote smoking native American” in the Young Guns saga, and “suicidal Gulf War veteran” in Courage Under Fire and “isn’t that Lou Diamond Phillips” in a few episodes of 24.

So it comes as a great disappointment to see that a man whose career is nothing short of brilliant has pled guilty to domestic assault and is now on probation for 3 years and has to do 200 hours of community service.

How did this happen? I have tried to explore this and these are some of the reasons I have thought of:

1) The recent death of Jack Palance, a co-star in Young Guns 1, drove LDP over the edge.

2) He was training for his newest role of E True Hollywood Story star.

3) Dancing With the Stars rejected him saying, we already have our douchebag quota filled for the next 2 years, thanks to Mario Lopez.

4) In my opinion this is the strongest theory: Seeing that Esai Morales, who so memorably played his drunk, wife abusing half-brother “Bob” in La Bamba, had had a career resurgence, playing a captain on NYPD BLUE before it went off the air, LDP realized that perhaps beating up your girlfriend could be a good career move. No doubt he probably blamed some sort of crippling alcohol addiction for his abusive behavior.

Or perhaps he is just a piece of sh-t and realized that La Bamaba is good only if you are 12 years old and doing nothing but watching TV on a rainy Sunday. A little less than a year ago I saw La Bamba for the first time in a while (but my Esai Morales impersonation (most obscure one in my repertoire) is still sick – it is like riding a bicycle). It was like being told there is no Santa Claus. You mean this movie that I loved as a 12 year old… sucks? And now, not only does Santa not exist, but the guy pretending to be Santa at Macy’s beats Mrs. Claus when he goes home. What’s next? Are you going to tell me that Three Amigos is awful? That Steve Guttenburg molests children? For shame LDP. You may have hurt that poor woman, but you have done something even worse through your bad acting and bad actions: you have robbed me of a pleasant childhood memory.

But on to more pleasant movie thoughts. Going to try and see 4 movies in the next week, so expect to see some more reviews. Movies on the horizon:

1) Blood Diamond. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. And an impoverished African’s worst nightmare. 2) Apocalypto. Reviewers today have been saying that Mel Gibson is a gifted filmmaker and that he loves suffering and blood. My only question watching this film about a war among ancient Mayan tribes is this: How did the Jews start that war? 3) Happy Feet – I love animated movies. 4) The Last King of Scotland – I hate Forrest Whitaker and his droopy eye, but it is supposed to be the best performance of the year (although I think Collin Farrell and Jaime Foxx might beg to differ with a little film called Miami Vice).

Another boy for my brother

My brother told me yesterday that he and his wife are going to have a second son in early May. If the boy is born early he could share a birthday with me, which would be cool, except my brother’s first son was born on my brother’s birthday. I feel like if the new one is born on April 24th it is some sort of sign of the apocalypse. (Speaking of which I can’t wait to see Apocalypto. Yeah I’m talking to you sugar tits. I kid the Mel Gibson haters). Anyway I thought I would give my brother and the rest of the world a preview of my two nephews, if in fact the later shares a birthday with me (he will share an astrological sign with me and if you believe in that stuff please leave my website)

Ages 1-10 Gabriel will grow up very responsible and mature, not enjoying video games and wanting to be a police officer. He will wear a jacket and tie to his first baseball game as if it is the 1950s. He will have a big curly afro. He will be bigger than average, but not startlingly so. Everyone will consider him a pleasure from his parents to his teachers and friends.

Unnamed boy will be enormous and lazy as a child. He will not walk until he is 18 months. People will think he has problems. Then he will start walking. And talking. And fighting with kids in school. However, he will learn that bullies fight with their hands, but to be an asshole you have to fight and insult with words. He will begin to develop a razor sharp wit and may even develop an impersonation of a marginal action star when he is 10 years old.

Ages 11-20 Gabriel will put on some weight during these years, but he will continue to impress everyone as a very good person. Early on he will pen a homemade newspaper and scoop the local newspaper, which will then land him on the front page of said local newspaper. He will attempt to play sports, but the only one he will beat is his little brother. He will develop a passion for journalism which will send him to an elite journalism school.

Unnamed boy will continue to be enormous. In fact he will always be back row center of every class photo. He will do well in class, play well at sports and do impersonations that make people laugh, or make people want to call him onto Jerry Springer in 15 years and say , “You laughed at me then, but look at me now!!!” He will benefit from Gabriel’s good reputation which will earn him favor with teachers that do not like him as much as Gabriel. He will pursue journalism like Gabriel in high school, but will go to an elite Liberal Arts college and give up journalism for sitting on the bench for the basketball team. He will continue to get bigger and will start lifting weights which will prompt his father to say upon returning from freshman year, “What did you do to your back?”

Age 21-30 Gabriel – will finish school, and start working as a journalist. He will get mad when his brother says “bless you” in anticipation of a sneeze because he claims that that stops him from sneezing, which is unhealthy. He will get married, start having a family and will take his brother on awesome trips. But he will also make his brother sleep on an aero mattress from time to time causing his brother great discomfort.

Unnamed boy – He will finally stop growing, but people will not stop asking him how tall he is. He will graduate college and go on to law school. He will learn very important things in law school like “I don’t like law school,” and “I am pretty good at stand up comedy.” He will come back to his hometown and live with his parents for an indefinite amount of time, thus making aero mattress sleeping a problem of his own making. At 27 he will start writing a blog chronicling his everyday life as a struggling stand up comic. Dozens will read it. He will be told by several co-workers that he is nice looking, but that his brother is a more amazing person and thus, more attractive. He will then make fun of them showing how mature he is.

Of course this only applies if the new guy is born on my birthday. I would not bet against it though, so hopefully my brother has a durable aero mattress.

So I had off Monday and Tuesday and I decided the best ways to relax would be to take my former girlfriend’s kid out for pizza and then sleep on the floor of my living room. Let me explain.

AJ and I have a long standing relationship dating back to January 2005(listen to the CD if you don’t know). He feeds me material and I give him food occasionally, usually in the form of movie snacks and make him laugh at my bafoonery. To keep my comedy career alive and to keep AJ well fed I picked him up from his after school program on Tuesday. Unfortunately in what was either oversight or the best prank ever, AJ’s Mom “forgot” to tell them that I would be picking him up. Let awkwardness ensue.

Now AJ was a good sport and high fived (I think I will try to teach him the Boart “HIGH FIIIVE!”) me when I got to the after school center, thus giving me some credibility as the person there to pick him up. However they had never heard of me, at which point I think they ran and checked their sex offender registry photo book. I thought his Mom had called Dateline and was trying to set me up as some creepy pedophile. “Sure AJ remembers me… I am J-L, the guy with the movie snacks. The popcorn is right outside in my windowless white van AJ.”

Well after the body cavity search and the background check I was allowed to leave with AJ. And I won’t have to go door-to-door in my community, introducing myself. We had pizza and exchanged stories about work. I told him that I had to meet with the police in the community and he told me about the alphabet. I then envied him wishing I could back to a time where the alphabet and numbers were newer events. I then dropped him off at his home and made my way to a police council meeting nearby.

Then I got home.

My brother and his wife (remember the successful couple with the cute baby on the home page) were coming into town late that night for a funeral the next day. That’s not the funny part. I, as the financial and emotional drain on my parents, still live at home. My room can accommodate a couple, especially a successful one. However, they cannot then accommodate me as well. So I had to drag my twin mattress out onto the living room floor with blanket and pillow in hand to sleep on the floor. I had only gotten a few hours of sleep the night before so I was dead tired. I fell quickly asleep at 11:30 pm and slept soundly until… 5:31 AM. Maybe it is my military haircut, or my depression or the fact that I was sleeping on the floor, but that is no time to wake up. But that is the time of night/day when my mother grabs the New York Times. Fortunately she gave me just the 11 hour head start I needed before going into work for the 4 pm-2am shift. So after an early morning trip to the gym (38 lbs lost since March 2006 – leaving me at 246 lbs – 2-6 pounds off of my college playing weight. Pretty good considering I am neither in college, nor playing on any sport team). Needing a pick-me-up, I came back and turned on HBO2 and saw Walk The Line.

In a 24 hour period that featured memories, painful back aches and the dread of working 10 hours tonight (where do you think I am now), Joaquin Phoenix made me feel much happier, even if it was the 44th time I have seen that movie on a derivative of HBO.

My favorite things about Walk The Line:

1) The tunes – I actually feel that Joaquin Phoenix sings half of them better than Johnny Cash. Ring of Fire being the most salient example.

2) The Love Story – Johnny Cash proves that, drug use, holding your guitar in an inexplicably awkward fashion and rampant cheating will land you the love of your life. So will someone pass me a joint, a six string and a hammer so I can shatter my moral compass and let’s find some love!

3) It proves that sometimes it can be cooler pretending to be a person (Joaquin Phoenix) than actually being that person (Johnny Cash). That is why in my biopic I will play myself. That way I can receive accolades for my dead-on portrayal of myself. “He captured the sarcasm, the bad choices and the height so well.” 4 stars.

Tonight I get to sleep in my twin bed. If you need to reach me tonight I will be questioning my purpose in life. But don’t e-mail or call me between 2:30 am and 5:31 am – I’ll be sleeping.

Wednesday was a big day. The government allowed me to leave work at 3 pm. It was effectively a Friday and I had tickets to Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny and reservations at a nice restaurant. Great night in the making.

Well, in an interesting coincidence, our waiter looked like a dead ringer for Jack Black, but just taller with an Eastern European accent. He informed us that he ran a modeling agency. Out of his apartment. I then asked him what his address was so I could tell the cops where at least a dozen severed heads of women could probably be found.

But our waiter could not stop talking. So he got out of me that I was an ADA in the Bronx. I then went to the restroom, intentionally making it very uncomfortable for my dinner companion. When I got back to the table I was informed that our waiter said that he had just gotten out of jury duty. His method was simple. He told the court that he did not like blacks or jews. From that point he was known to us as Racist Jack Black.

Then we saw Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny. If you are not a Jack Black fan this movie may not be for you. If you are a Jack Black fan then it is a masterwork. It is not as good as School of Rock (but what really is), but it is tremendous.

I then made a post movie pledge to go watch School of Rock in honor of Jack Black, but I got sidetracked. Damn you Gin and Tonic.

Well last night I had my audition for Live at Gotham, the Comedy Central Show featuring up and coming comics at Gotham Comedy Club.

Some highlights:

1) A new joke I have been working on about how my Mom and Dad met killed. I was very happy.

2) I only said 1 “pussy,” 1 “bitch” and I “fu-k” or “sh-t” (I cannot remember which one). I believe that was clean enough.

3) I would grade it out for me as an A- (although I obviously wanted an A). Not a bad grade

Lowlights:

1) My United 93 joke was not as strong as it needed to be although it did get some laughs. Writing has already occurred to improve this one.

2) My line “I don’t support the troops, but I support the war” I was informed by Comedian Tim Young that this was a line made infamous by Bill Hicks on Letterman some years back. I obviously did not know this and now have to figure how to work the intro line to a bit of mine. Or say – Bill Hicks is dead and I came up with it on my own.

3) I was getting heckled by some patrons and went on a tirade on them. I informed them that 100 years ago they would have been swinging from a tree with pitchforks in their asses. I then proceeded to call them Nig–rs several times and tell them that I wasn’t scared of them. I don’t know what was worse, the fact that that probably cost me the audition or that the people heckling me were Asian.

Either way I am happy for the opportunity and I hope that I get to do the show. If not it could be worse, right Kramer?

Quick movie reviews:

For Your Consideration – really bad. Best in Show seems really long ago watching this movie. C-/D+ (John Michael Higgins stops it from being lower)

Casino Royale – Bond on Steroids – good stuff B+

Tomorrow – Tenacious D. There is a reason Jack Black is one of my MySpace heroes.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Today started like any other. I got out of bed questioning the meaning of existence why I only seem to be able to get 3 hours of sleep a night. I then promptly plugged in my Ipod to drown those questions out and run around my neighborhood as I get in shape for some athletic competition that will never happen.

I then went to work, prepared for a Grand Jury presentation and made various phone calls. Relatively ho hum day. Ate a roast beef sandwich and apple for lunch. Wondered when it was going to rain and if it was actually going to rain right at 5 pm when I leave.

Then I got an awesome e-mail.

Gotham Comedy Club, on the recommendation of someone out at the LA Improv, to whom I owe a debt of gratitude for listening to my CD and watching my DVD, has offered me an audition spot for Live at Gotham, their weekly stand up show on Comedy Central that debuted this past Summer.

After a month of dreary blogs and fewer performances I feel like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank after he has emerged from the sh-t of Shawshank’s sewage and is holding his hands rejoicing in the rain.

However, I understand that the movie still requires the happier ending. If I nail the audition it will be like seeing Red at the end of the movie. If I don’t get the audition it will sort of be like finding out the Queens are waiting for me when I reach my destination. So although my Shawshank tale is on the right path, the movie ain’t over.

Wish me luck – Monday 8:30 at Gotham Comedy Club.