PART I

I am excited in a wholesome way that the Little Mermaid (deluxe 2 disc edition) will be arriving next week in my mailbox. I have been criticized, as recently as last night by comedian Pete Dominick for this purchase. Let me explain why the Little Mermaid is essential:

The Little Mermaid is the DR J. of Disney films. It ushered in the modern era (and brought us “Kiss the Girl” and Under the Sea”). Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast were the Magic and Larry and the Lion King was Michael Jordan. Now the NBA without Dr J is not the NBA. Likewise a Disney DVD collection without The Little Mermaid is not a Disney DVD collection. You may ask – why do you have a Disney DVD collection? Well, because they are good.

(Side note – the Pixar films are like the Steroid Era in baseball. Technically advanced in an unfair way, but a superior product. Cars will be in my mailbox in early November).

But TLM is also the Britney Spears of Disney movies. She made it ok for young girls in animated movies to be hot. After her it was ok to be country hot (Beauty and the Beast), Persian/Arab hot (Aladdin’s Jasmine) and beastiality hot (Simba’s chick) and gay (Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella as Timon and Pumba).

My point is that The Little Mermaid is a ground breaker and should be honored, not ridiculed. besides, it is only available for a limited time before it is locked in the Disney Vault.

MAJOR CAHNGE IN FOCUS: PART II

So what’s the deal with National Intelligence Estimates and Bob Woodward’s newest book?

I have friends who believe going into Iraq was the right thing to do. I personally believe we should have blasted the f–k out of New Zealand. I also have friends who think that the moderate Muslim world is largely against us and does not speak out against the violence (not according to the NIE which states the opposite, but I am sure my friends have good sources too, like Brit Hume (why the long face d-bag) and Bill O’Reilly, who always seek to give the whole story of George Bush’s divinity, not just half. And I have friends who think the world and America is safer because we are in Iraq. Not according to the NIE, but then again my friends point to the fact that we haven’t been attacked since 9/11. Unlike our President, terrorists believe in planning their attacks out, so I guess we are not out of the water yet. I also have friends who say you cannot reason with the majority of the people in the Middle East. That usually comes from people who are supporting the actions of an evangelical Christian president who will not let facts get in the way of his war planning (or lack thereof).

Then came Bob Woodward’s newest book. Apparently Bush and his staff did ignore specific requests to target Bin Laden early in his administration (score Bill Clinton). I’m sorry buck-toothed Condi I can’t hear you: “I believe the memo said, Bin laden determined to strike inside the United States.”

Also according to the book, apparently when American soldiers die, Bush wants to make sure that we killed more, because like a basketball game, wars are simply won by who scores more casualties. Counting Iraqi Civilians, we are kicking ass and taking absolutely no names.

According to Woodward the administration knows that violence is going to rise in 2007, but insist publicly that it is getting better.

I also like the argument that Muslim religious fundamentalists cannot be reasoned with or bargained with that my friend’s make. I admit that that is probably true. But that may also explain why some moderate Palestinians would be hesitant to discuss peace with the new tenants of their old homeland, who were given the keys to the house by Europeans based on a fundamentalist reading of a religious text. Sort of like Jennifer Connolly in House of Sand and Fog. With suicide bombing.

This is not to say that there aren’t crazies in the Middle East. President Superkallifrajolistic (I don’t think I spelled it right) in Iran is nuts. But the more lies we tell and the more we fu-k up the region the more loonies like him will look credible. Since we seem to be going back in time and enlightenment, perhaps we could re-colonize Africa on our way back from Mission Accomplished.

I wonder if any white women have disappeared recently so that Fox news can lead with something valuable and newsworthy because Lord knows, this whole NIE thing and Woodward thing are pretty insignificant.

Well, you know what a white girl is disappearing… off the store shelves! Get the Little Mermaid DVD on Tuesday October 3rd! Although if George Bush sees it he may wage war on the Atlantic Ocean to get Ursula the Sea Witch. The best part of that is that she lives in the Pacific.