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Chinese Democracy and Diamond Maker: the 2 most anticipated records of the year. To me.

So now that it is Winter I am into my yearly tradition of living at movie theaters. This week I saw Quantum of Solace, (so-so), JCVD (humorous and not bad), and Slumdog Millionaire (very good).

My favorite moments were during Slumdog Millionaire, but not because of the film. It was the guy who decided to sit right next to me in an empty row of seats. I responded with lots of passive aggressive huffs and puffs because like 99% of the population I am too big a pu-sy to say, “ARE YOU FU-KING KIDDING ME? Stop sitting next to me you socially awkward fu-k!” Second thing was the couple behind me was arguing. Here is how that went:

Annoying Woman: I can’t believe you said that. You said I was girl next door hot, but not unattainable hot.

Dumb Guy: So, that’s nice.

AW: No, you really know hoto make me feel good. You never say anything nice to me. That’s great.

DG: Well I just took you out for a nice dinner.

AW: Seriously, that is nothing. That is to be expected.

She then offered 2 hours on non stop NY liberal condescension for all the poor Indian children on screen with a barrage of very vocal “awwwws” and “they’re such survivors”. Had she not been with her boyfriend I would have told her to shut the fu-k up, but I did not want her boyfriend to feel obligated to step in for her because getting beat up for a shit-y woman would be really sad.

Next up is the movie Bolt – the animated movie about a dog who thinks he is a superhero. If any adults wonder why there is a 29 year old 6’7″ dude watching it I will just mumble – I thought this was about the Jamaican sprinter – weird!

And I just got my copy of Chinese Democracy – the album 17 years in the making by Axl Rose and a bunch of people posing as Guns N Roses. I have informed Axl Rose that on December 17th the album 29 years in the making, Diamond Maker is coming out. He told me to fu-k off and that his next album would come out in 2038 to trump mine.

Why is Mr. Burns playing lead guitar?

Last night I went to see AC/DC in concert. The audience largely resembled the crowd in the back of the bar in The Accused: mostly aggressive, dirty and loud white guys.

The show began with a soft core pornographic cartoon right into the new hit song “Rock N Roll Train” (as a friend pointed out to me about 2/3 of AC/DC songs have the word Rock in them and 4/5 of all their songs sound the same (I’m still a big fan, but got to admit the truth).

I realized quickly that unless I know an AC/DC song by heart I have no fu-king idea what lead singer Brian Johnson is saying (if the Grammies ever come out with the “Male Lead Vocal Battling Constipation Issues While Singing” I expect Brian Johnson to beat out Bruce Springsteen and Michael Bolton for the win.

Some other highlights:

– Seeing an arena filled with mostly guys who probably use the words “fag” and “gay” as often as they say “fu-k yeah” chant for Angus Young, the diminutive guitarist with Jimmy Hendrix’ fingers and Montgomery Burns’ body, to strip off his clothes.

– During Whole Lotta Rosie, a tribute to voluptuous women, a 60 foot inflated blonde emerged tapping her foot to the beat of the song and masturbating vigorously. And her nipple is also exposed. Only rock n roll can get away with that.

– I saw a row behind me at one point a mother with her teenage son, who had Down’s syndrome. I could make a mean joke about the simplicity of AC/DC’s songs right now, but I actually thought it was just a nice thing to see the concert providing enjoyment for all. Then I started laughing at the thought of the Mom trying to explain the 60 foot inflatable slut to her son.

In other comedy news I will be in Bethesda this Saturday – woo hoo. I also learned two days ago that a comic has been using one of my jokes a pick up line for girls in bars. He assured me that he has not used the joke on stage, but I feel like Steve Martin in Roxanne writing material for Rick Rossovich. Ladies you should really cite check your suitor’s witty lines.

1) AS A PRICK WHO NEEDS TO BE RIGHT ALL THE TIME:

Immediately after Obama announced his candidacy for the presidency I read The Audacity of Hope. I knew that I was going to vote for him and that he had a real chance. The book meant so much to me racially, religiously, etc. – I felt a real connection to the story and philosophies that Obama wrote. That is why when I felt he was backtracking on issues after he beat Hillary I felt particularly betrayed. However, as he became more tested throughout the campaign and to elaborate more on issues he reassured me and I felt very happy to cast my vote for him. Before it became fashionable and even before most black people had joined his campaign I called it and it feels good to know that the people who told me that America would not elect a black man are dead wrong.

2) AS AN AMERICAN:

Just seeing his first press conference it was inspiring to see someone who exudes presidential qualities versus Incurious George’s last eight years. It gives me confidence (not that a President Hillary would not have done that) that I have not had since Bill was in the White House. I did not like it when Michelle Obama made her comment about being proud of America for the first time, but I sort of understand because I can say that I have never been prouder of America and to be an American.

3) AS THE SON OF A WHITE WOMAN AND A BLACK IMMIGRANT

This is probably where I feel the most pride. Obama endured all the issues that people of mixed race, especially half-white, half-black deal with: he endured fears of white people that his blackness would be an issue, he endured black people questions his black credentials because he did not have the typical African-American experience. It was only until Obama won Iowa that black people really began to support him. But what I take the most pride in Obama has never made an issue of race and for good reason. He is half white and was raised by relatives on his white side. I have to believe that he understands that his skin color and features place him as a member of the African-American community in America, but to call himself a black candidate would be to exclude half of himself. Throughout my life I have endured similar things. Whether it was being the only kid with pigment on my Church basketball team, to being questioned by whites and blacks on my blackness I have always maintained that I am half white, half black. I am both, not just one. I feel that people can make Obama what they want him to be, but I think his refusal to address himself as a candidate of one race is what I admire most.

4) AS A COMEDIAN

Are you kidding me? Not only do I have 10 minutes of Obama material already, but it is also my best impression since Owen Wilson. Fred Armisen’s days are numbered… Just last night two more people yelled OBAMA as I walked by.

Starring Me and Joe the RacistYesterday evening I went to get my haircut at the barber in my office building. My barber Steve, actually went to my CD recording and told me how awesome it was, by recalling a few of my jokes. That was cool except for one problem: his favorite joke of mine was not actually mine, but belonged to one of my friends. Sort of like when the priest in Amadeus tells Salieri that he loves his song only to find out that the song is Mozart’s.

And the comparison to Mozart is appropriate because the guy sitting in the other barber chair definitely had 18th century views on race – meet Joe The Racist.

As I am sitting I hear JTR start talking about Obama and how he is a socialist and a liar, but with that arbitrary hatred that heretofore had been reserved only for Hillary Clinton. He kept talking about how John McCain was not going to raise taxes and was honest and that Obama was a liar who was going to spread the wealth. He then said that McCain and Clinton are pretty much the same and that he would prefer Clinton to Obama. Here is the conversation that ensued:

J-L: Obama’s the man.

JTP: (taking the bait) Obama is a liar. You know how you know Obama’s lying? When he open his mouth (clearly some shi-ty Sean Hannity-type joke).

J-L: I guess when John McCain called Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson agents of intolerance and then began courting their support and the support of the far right he wasn’t lying or backtracking.

JTP: No he was pandering, not lying. Obama panders and lies and hangs around with people who want to blow up the country and hate America, like William Ayers and Jeremiah Wright.

J-L: So when Pat Robertson blamed 9/11 on gays that was tolerant pro-America talk?

JTR: He apologized for that. Jeremiah Wright never apologized for saying God Damn America.

J-L: Nor should he (this is where things got good).

JTR: Cocksucking motherfu-ker!! You don’t like America then leave. (speaking about me and Jeremiah Wright I believe).

J-L (trying to follow the coolness of Obama, which I do not have): Why should he apologize for exercising free speech about a country that has not been too friendly to African-Americans.

JTR: Oh please – this whole reparations issue (????) for stuff that happened like 200 years ago. Bad stuff happened to my family. Hell, bad stuff happened to me 10 years ago – do I get a cash handout?

J-L: 400 years of slavery, 100 more years of institutionalized racism – we needed the Civil Rights Act less than 50 years ago to ensure fair treatment, but yeah that’s about the same as whatever beef you had in your life I’m sure.

JTR: White guy growing up in a black neighborhood, I never dealt with intolerance or racism.

(fortunately like Obama I had a blonde white woman in my life for a year and a half who peppered me with very similar arguments, which helped me keep my cool when the real deal happened)

J-L: growing up with a black Dad and a white Mom I have seen and heard discrimination. Maybe that’s why I like Obama.

JTR: Well he’s a socialist and he’s friends with terrorists. And there’s going to be rioting either way probably. They will riot if he wins or they will riot if he loses because they’re pissed. Maybe not in Manhattan, but definitely in places like Detroit and Chicago.

J-L: I am going to steal candy on November 5th if he loses as my looting.

Haircuts finished.

JTR: If Obama gets elected, we’re 5-10 years from a Civil War. Maybe not like 1865, but there will be blood in the streets for sure.

J-L: That’s funny. I’d be more worried about the rednecks in the deep south’s reaction when they have a black president.

Then JTR looks at me and then takes a visibly closer look and says: YOU have had issues with racism (you know cause I don’t look very black).

J-L: Judging books by covers is always a good life plan buddy.

JTR: I judge people by their actions and who they hang out with.

J-L (channeling my inner Obama cool): Well, I just got a haircut from a nice barber in a nice barber shop so I guess I’m alright.

Then leaving I stuck my head back in the door and said: November 4th – Change is Coming!

Don’t make me a liar Barack. And if you win be fu-king careful.

And about 4-6 years until major scandal.

Six days from the election and it appears only three things can stop Obama: disclosure that he has had sex with boys, disclosure that he has some fatal disease that he is keeping form the media or an unbelievable outpouring of latent racism. I am not saying that if you don’t vote for Obama you are a racist. I am just saying that if you vote for McCain INSTEAD of Obama, you probably have issues with race.

What is also shaping up to be interesting is if the Democrats get big majorities in both the Senate and the House, with Nancy Pelosi starring in Under Armor commercials screaming: WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!! (old commercial which I am guessing males between the ages of 23 and 40 can remember).

Not to side with McCain, but this consolidation of power is what worries me. I think that we are at a point where the verdict has been in for some time: power in Washington corrupts absolutely. Just look at the parallels:

George W. Bush

-comes into power partly due to unprecedented numbers of newer or often ignored voters – Evangelicals. Many other people ignore issues and vote based on personality and liking W more than Al Gore

– Bush is given a strong Republican congress for several years and all hell breaks loose

-scandal ensues – gay bashers are found tap dancing in airport bathrooms, bribes accepted by geezer in Alaska, widespread corruption, cats and dogs living together – mass hysteria.

Now – Obama has already brought in a similar fringe group to politics – “young voters”. I have already made may case against this energized group of sh*theads (not the 18-20 year olds who may have voted in 2004, but certainly the 22-28 year olds who didn’t). The pattern is the same except in place of religious zeal Obama has accepted ignorant, trend-conscious narcissists who obey “what’s cool” as fervently as other worship Christ. Anyone reading this knows at least someone who is a dumb f–k who is voting for Obama because it’s the cool thing to do. I was mocked by several such people when I bought an Obama t shirt more than a year ago. Now some of those same people are members of Facebook groups throwing their symbolic support behind Obama.

I had compared Obama to Harvey Dent from the Dark Knight this Summer when I felt he was being two faced on several things. But Obama has a bigger dilemma and that is the quote from the Dark Knight (the movie is deep for a Batman movie) – “you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” This is the dilemma Obama will face with many people in this country, both his supporters and detractors. If things don’t get better in the first two years under Obama he will have a choice – sell out to his opponents and fickle supporters and play the Washington game getting little done and try to get re-elected or he can take the risk of being a one term president and do what needs to be done for this country.

That said, if the Democrats consolidate power in the numbers they are projecting – expect scandal galore by 2012-2014. However, I will take blow job hush money scandals over debt, death and hypocritical scandals that the Republican power brought.

Saw 5, Facebook Updates and (some) First Time Voters

Today, the fifth installment of the Saw franchise opens up. Granted, the main villain has been dead for two films, but continues to wreak havoc. These movies are for horror fans who thought Friday the 13th just had too much plot development and not enough gore. Speaking of which, is anyone watching the show Fringe on Fox? I am enjoying it (although I am starting to learn that I like any show I watch in HD, is it the show or the HD-ness?). But this show Fringe – incredibly violent – they showed some woman’s head explode into a bloody mess. But some how a female nipple will still not pass the censors. I am not one of these ultra “liberated” minds that thinks sex should be everywhere, I just would like to see some more consistency that does not treat a tit shot as more vulgar than a guy’s jaw falling off of his face in a pile of puss and blood (more Fringe scenes).

I think we as a country are entering a very dangerous time of unprecedented narcissism. The explosion of Facebook demonstrates that. Now I am on Facebook and review every movie and book I read and try to update my “status” once every few days with something witty. But like MySpace, my main purpose through these sites is part friendship, part marketing of my comedy. Now this may make me a hypocrite, but I admit that I have an arrogance and a self-absorption that goes with putting your life on stage every night. But I am supposed to be at the extreme of arrogance with the IBankers, African-American wide receivers in football and serial killers. But now that has become mainstream. I appreciate it when people update their page with something funny. But when people put things like:

“Jim is thinking”

“Mary is working out”

“Mike is wondering what groceries to buy.”

it makes me want to kill the internet. I think it is emblematic of where we are going as a people though. We are becoming the masters of the universe without the benefit of accomplishing or creating anything. Instead of heliocentric we are becoming a society that revolves around ourselves. We join groups that mean nothing “1,000,000 against Sarah Palin” – oooooo I bet she’s terrified. But I am still more impressed by a woman in her 40s who sh-t out 5 kids, looks like that and is the governor of an American oil outpost. It certainly beats the thousands of women and men who have joined the “Save Darfur” group, which may have 500,000 members, but has raised about $800 in money.

I know plenty of secularists and atheists who are unselfish people who just think religion is not the right way to solving problems, but still recognize that society or something unknown is bigger than the individual. The most dangerous people and where I think our society is headed is towards the people who believe in nothing but their own importance.

Unfortunately Barack Obama had to play this game to galvanize the young voters in this country to vote. He is an engaging charismatic candidate and in marketing terms, he is a great product. But it took him plus gimmicks like Facebook pages, text messages and e-mail promises of an early glimpse at his VP choice to get the young people really excited. I think anyone who was eligible to vote in 2004 and did not, but is voting this time should be ashamed of themselves. George Bush was already fu-king this country good and hard in 2004, but not until 2008 when a celebrity candidate (I like him and have seen some of my concerns and problems erode in the last few months wit Obama) emerged did young people get truly involved. The idealist in me says, well now they have been brought in to the process and will stay -great for Democracy and this country. But the cynic in me, which is usually right, tells me that these are the people that don’t read papers unless they are free and take 2 minutes to read by the subway, people who update Facebook when they are taking a sh-t and that “can’t live without their DVR or blackberry” says that these people cannot be trusted with our future. Just as scary as a religious nut may be frightening, so is this “energized” voting bloc. The only thing is that the nuts have been invested in their cause a lot longer. At least that commitment is commendable.

Second CD, but first in my heart

Nothing much to say except thanks to everyone who came out and helped out with the show last night.

I think it was a big success for the following reasons:

1) My set was just under an hour so I know that it was a tight set.

2)Out of an 11 page script (so to speak) I forgot only three jokes.

3) I will be able to put a parental advisory sticker on this CD.

CD/DVD release probably in January along with a revamped website. See you in 2009.

Debate #3

Well, now the only Joe not mentioned in this campaign has been Joe Millionaire (who I hear will be endorsing a candidate any day). First there was Joe “Judas” Lieberman, then there was Joe Six Pack and last night 45 minutes of the debate were spent trying to appeal to Joe The Plumber.

This last debate reminded me of the first Rocky film and not just because there was an articulate black man and a dumb white guy involved. This was the fight Apollo needed to fight – the better, classier fighter needed to stay away from Balboa. But he ignored his managers advice and got clobbered by Balboa (even though Apollo “won,” Rocky really won and would take the title in the next 14 films).

Unfortunately Obama employed that strategy too well. I think he acted exactly as he should have, but it bored me. Instead of going for the knockout Obama is content to win debates on point count. For example do you think Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, the answer is, “I don’t think she’s qualified to babysit my kids, let alone lead the most powerful country in the world.”

Or throw in snide comments about John McCain “forgetting” things. And when McCain started referring to pro abortion people, Obama should have been more forceful in saying that it is pro choice, not pro abortion, unless my Facebook group “Comedians who don’t care about choice but are definitely pro abortion” has a lot more members than I thought.

Well, last night my Obama-Biden t-shirt arrived. Let’s hope I don’t have to put it with my Gore-Lieberman and Kerry-Edwards t shirts in a couple of weeks.

And if you want to throw your support behind a charismatic, articulate, half-black guy, but cannot wait until Election Day – COME TO MY CD RECORDING THIS SATURDAY

The cast of The Wire and New Kids On the Block?

It has been nice to see tons of people from The Wire getting work. Daniels is on two J.J. Abrams shows, Freemon showed up on Life on Mars, Michael is on 90210 (ouch), Sobodka is on True Blood and Omar was most recently in a bit part in The Miracle at St Anna.

Although it would be tragically poignant if the people from The Wire could never act again after the best show in TV history, it is nice to see them rewarded with new roles.

However, someone else has seen fit to manage a second life to another group of artists: New Kids on The Block.

My first questions are to Donnie Wahlberg. Did you ask your more successful brother if it was ok for you to re-shame the Wahlberg name. Then again, after Marky Mark did The Happening, Donnie could probably do one gay porn and not do as much damage to the family name. Second, you have a decent acting career, why do you want to be a guy who looks about 45 in a “boy band.”

On their new single I see Joey McIntyre is singing lead, probably because he is the only guy who can pass for being in a youthful band (if you remember he was the fetus dancing around on stage when the rest of the guys were in the 20s).

For the band in general – how did you get away without having an “ethnic” type. Backstreet had two (AJ and Howie), N’Sync had Chris Kirkpatrick who had ethnic look hair and JC Chasez, the most Caucasian of Latinos. The best NKOTB did was that guy who looks like a roided up Anthony Keidis. To compensate they drafted Ne-Yo for their first video and he sings half of the song.

I just find it weird that people and bands and artists stage comebacks or second acts in careers that no one is asking for.

That reminds me – 8 days until my second CD recording.

John McCain should be dead and buried (metaphorically)

Last night’s debate was a bloodbath of epic proportions. I try to be as objective as I can during the debates, but last night John McCain sucked on all levels.

He finally came through with the anticipated 5,443 “my friends” references. He also was kind enough to refer to Barack Obama as “that one” at a point during the debate.

I really think it is a joke that John McCain even has a fighting chance to win this election. I am not sure I even have jokes about it anymore. If John McCain wins this election it will rank right ahead of the 3/5 clause on the list of awful things the country has done. And the joke there is not about Barack being black. it is about Barack clearly being smarter, more level headed and more representative to the world that there is a truly new American leadership. I think too much is made of Sarah Plain being a joke. John McCain is a joke to me as well.

My favorite moment of the post debate was where Obama and McCain did not shake hands, but Obama did shake Cindy McCain’s hand (instead of the customary cheek kiss). I think the reason is obvious – McCain is at the point now where he would probably use a photo of his own wife kissing Obama and put in an ad in swing states as a last ditch effort saying, “Barack Obama – Black Muslim stealing our white women. My name is John McCain and I ap-where am I?”