Anyone But The Lakers

The Utah Jazz crush me for the 22nd consecutive year.

Last night I watched the Los Angeles Lakers defeat the Utah Jazz in 5 games.  I wish it could have been to any team other than the Lakers.  And as the Jazz generally do, they did not give up and made a valiant comeback (down 22 in the 4th quarter, they cut the Lakers to 6 with 3 and a half minutes left).  But all that does is put crazy thoughts in my head like, “they may win!”

This is a franchising altering year for the Jazz – their owner has died, their longtime announcer has retired and Coach Jerry Sloan, the longest tenured Coach in professional sports is getting older and even crankier (although it was great seeing him go after the referee last night mouthing motherfu-ker as he got ejected – at least he still has some fire).

But this is about the need for someone other than the Lakers to win the NBA title.  I like Derek Fisher and Lamar Odom on the Lakers and that is it.  I am indifferent to Andrew Bynam.  I hate the rest of the team.  Let’s go through it:

Kobe Bryant – This blogger has a strong policy of not supporting anal rapists, regardless of how funny the reference of Kobe has made one of my jokes.

Pau Gasol– It is bad enough that he is missing an L on his first name, but he looks like a really tall homeless piece of Eurotrash.

Luke Walton – No one likes the rich kid who skates by on his father or parents’ wealth and/or Hall of Fame status and Luke Walton is no exception.  If his name was Luke Murphy he would be an assistant coach somewhere.

Trevor Ariza– Once again a firm blogger rule – can’t like people with neck tattoos.  And he is a former NY Knick, which, like herpes, is something that is never really gone.

Sasha Vujacic – Literally my least favorite person in the NBA.  I really think I would be tempted to sucker punch him if I ever saw him on the street.   Part of it is because he is a flopper and annoying, but part of it is that he has some unknown, but very unlikeable arua around him.

Laker fans  – I have a problem with Laker fans, especially those outside of LA.  I know I am a Jazz fan outside of Utah, but unlike Laker fans it would be difficult for someone to call me a fair-weather fan if my favorite team has never won a title and did not even make a finals appearance until my 10th year as a fan.

So now I must hope that someone, LeBron James most likely, can stop this team from claiming a title.  Good luck King James.

And yes I am very bitter about the Jazz losing.


The Curious Case of J-L Cauvin

I get older and taller, but things remain the same.

If anyone saw the film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button then you know that the plot focuses on the adventures of one man as he ages in reverse.  As I stand on the cusp of entering my 4th decade on Planet Earth I realize my life has sort of played like a remix of that movie.  Each decade I get older, but my life does not seem to change.

April 24, 1989

I turned 10 years old on this date.  I was 5’5″ tall.  I owned a purple satin Utah Jazz Starter jacket that I wore religiously.  I was honing a Jean-Claude Van Damme impression that would make me more popular.  I did not have a job, but knew I wanted to be something famous.  My favorite movie was Amadeus.

April 24, 1999

I turned 20 years old on this date.  I was 6’7″ tall.  I owned a puffy purple Utah Jazz Starter jacket that I wore religiously.  I was perfecting impressions of my basketball coaches which would make me more popular.  I did not have a job, but I felt like one day I could be famous.  My favorite movie was still Amadeus.

April 24, 2009

I turn 30 on this date.  I am 6’7″ tall.  I own several Utah Jazz basketball jerseys that I wear occasionally (as people get older they sometimes get less religious).  I have perfected an impression of Barack Obama that has made me more tolerable.  I sort of have a means of employment, but only one that people will take seriously if I become famous.  My favorite movie is Amadeus.

Fine, I'll watch Amadeus, but I probably won't like it.
Fine, I’ll watch Amadeus, but I probably won’t like it.

The Good, the Bad and Watchmen

Some lists for the week.

The Good

  1. American Idol – A few weeks ago when they announced the Top 36 contestants I picked my Top 5. All 5 of my picks are in the Top 13. So I guess I am actually on my list of good.  This show is good.  I constantly hate myself for feeling this way, but it is.
  2. March Comedy Madness at Caroline’s – 2 years ago I made the Sweet 16.  Last year I made the Elite 8.  After going through a broken up engagement and gaining a sick Obama impression I have done the equivalent of comedy performance enhancing drugs to try and win the thing.  1st round this Wednesday – check the calendar for info.  Note: this could be bumped to the bad list immediately upon me getting bounced from the tournament.
  3. HBO Sunday nights.  – Eastbound and Down is an absolutely great comedy. Flight of the Conchords has been hit and miss, but the last two episodes have been amazing.  And Big Love – a show whose first two seasons I watched on demand simply because there was nothing on television  last summer – is off the charts great this season.
  4. My Best Friend’s Girl – I ordered this movie on demand, making it the first time I had paid for anything featuring Dane Cook since a 2004 performance at Caroline’s.  It started out shaky, but I really enjoyed the movie.  Perhaps it was because my expectations were lower than Paul Blart: Mall Cop ( and even given those expectations, quite possibly the worst movie ever made), but if this had been his first movie instead of his 6th or 7th his film career might have a different trajectory. 
  5. The Utah Jazz – 11 wins in a row.  My favorite thing on Earth other than my own jokes is the Utah Jazz.


The Bad

  1. Rihanna and Chris Brown – I have harped on them enough, but this couple – the young black version of Michael and Kay Corleone in Godfather II – should both have their careers go up in flames.
  2. The Heartland Institute – their Conference on Climate Change in NYC over the next few days is and effort to show that global warming is either hoax or greatly exaggerated.  I wish there was a way to ensure that only them and like minded skeptics/non-believers of fact would die in the event of environmental catastrophe.
  3. 24 – The President is being held hostage.  Even for a far fetched show – this season sucks.  The only thing good related to this show will be my forthcoming spoof.


I saw this movie this weekend.  It was ok if you like movies. It was great if you like neon blue penis shots.