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Mark Wahlberg to Star in Tiny White Power, about…

In a movie sure to get a lot of buzz following the New England Patriots’ stirring Super Bowl victory over the Seattle Seahawks, Mark Wahlberg has announced he will star, write, produce and direct Tiny White Power, a tribute film to the New England Patriots’ modern legacy of undersized, but highly skilled white wide receivers.  Early rumors say Wahlberg will play Wes Welker, Channing Tatum will play Julian Edelman and Tom Hardy  will play Danny Amendola.  The movie figures to be an inspirational tale of how muscular, relatively good looking white guys can still have hope in America, even with a black president and an NFL dominated by black men.  Wahlberg, who is a Boston native and a huge Patriots fan, is excited to bring to the screen a movie that will allow him to hit the gym and take off his shirt in several montages.

“I have done sports movies before, but this one is going to be special,” said the former model and rapper  “Tiny White Power will speak to all white men, who are a little on the short side, that with hard work you can compete in America despite all the obstacles in your way by a society that clearly favors black men,” gushed the man who violently attacked black and Asian men on the streets of Boston in his youth.

The film is not endorsed by the NFL or the Patriots’ organization, but superstar tight end Rob Gronkowski gave his unofficial approval for the film when he said “I like popcorn and getting head in movie theaters,” when asked if he thought he movie would do the Patriots’wide receivers justice.

When asked why this story meant so much to him Wahlberg said, “My wife really got obsessed with that movie Magic Mike and all the buff white dudes dancing. Well TWP will be like Magic Mike but for straight dudes, instead of for chicks and fag*ots.”

Expect an early 2016 release date.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Super Bowl Preview: Battle of the (Potential) Inspirational Sports…

I generally save this blog for stories of comedy struggles, comedy complaints and the occasional defense of President Obama or Lebron James.  But, as a huge fan of movies and sports, I cannot help but see the amazing potential for inspirational sports movies out of this coming Sunday’s Super Bowl XLIX (that is 49 in letters apparently).  If just one of the teams in the Super Bowl had made the game it would be enough to inspire a Disney movie 20 years from now, but both the Seattle Seahawks AND the New England Patriots provide blueprints for at least  half a dozen new sports movies.  So here are a few I thought some screenwriters should get working on ASAP:

The Man Behind The Sweatshirt – Bill Bellichek is one of the greatest coaches in NFL History. And he has a secret that could ruin his career.  He has a thing for extremely handsome quarterbacks (this was inspired by a bit on Adam Carolla’s show last week).  Everyone knows Tom Brady.  But how about his back up quarterback Jimmy Garappolo?  Matt Damon and a beefed up Zac Efron to co-star? But imagine the Oscar worthy performance of coaching brilliance and unrequited love that someone like Brendan Gleeson could turn in as Bill Bellichek.

 

Alien and Predator – This movie would focus on the Christian robot of quarterback humility and cliches Russell Wilson and his relationship with Richard Sherman, Stanford grad and wearer of hairstyle from 1987’s Predator.  Tag line for the movie: “One plays offense… the other is offensive. But together they might just win it all!”

 

The Rejects – This movie would be a traditional sports movie, focusing on all of the Seattle Seahawks, many of whom were low round draft picks and the goofy white savior coach who believed in them (and basically let them do whatever they want), Pete Carroll.

 

The Unnatural – This would be a movie focused on 5th Round pick Kam Chancellor who thanks to supplements would become a safety the size of a linebacker leading the terrific secondary.  This movie would almost follow a Stand and Deliver (inspiration, but not a sports movie) where about 2/3 of the way through the movie he would fail a drug test… but then eat the drug tester so he could continue playing.

 

Crotch and Gronk – In the spirit of movies like Radio, not only do crowds like inspirational movies about special needs people, but so do the Oscars.  And in this Super Bowl we have not one, but two people with prodigious talent and prodigious special neediness. Marshawn Lynch can run through a brick wall, but enjoys touching himself in public and has difficulty speaking to reporters.  Rob Gronkowski, statistically the greatest tight end in NFL History is possibly the dumbest happy go-lucky man in the NFL. Just imagine the comedic possibilities when his coach asked how many concussions he had after failing the concussion protocol and Gronk answers “None. I am just not very good at tests.”

 

 

The Anti Sports Movie – Yes this would be the hipster, alt title to the movie and it would focus on the New England Patriots (based on a brilliant comedic bit by a comedian named J-L Cauvin).  Sports movies always provide us certain templates – e.g. white guy saves a bunch of black guys who work hard and don’t have a chance because of racism and/or lack of resources.  But how about a movie about an angry white coach who makes heroes out of small white guys in a league full of formerly poor black guys?  And they are led by the least likely (and least likable) sports movie hero of all time – a pretty man named Tom who wears Uggs, hair plugs and is married to a super model.   Possible break out comedy hit of 2020.

 

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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A Weekend of 2 Pioneers – Jackie Robinson &…

I am writing this from aboard Amtrak headed down to DC to host a series of shows at the DC Improv.  Friday through Sunday I will be emceeing for Sebastian Maniscalco, but more importantly I am emceeing the DC Improv’s 10th annual “Funniest College” competition, in which students from different colleges in the Maryland-DC-Virginia area will compete for various prizes and the right to have their school dubbed “DC’s funniest college.”  What you may not know is that I was named the winner on behalf of Georgetown in the very first year of this competition in 2004.  Much like when a championship team arrives for an anniversary celebration at an arena (e.g. the 1973 Knicks were at Madison Square Garden recently commemorating the 40th anniversary of the Knicks’ last title and their status as professional sports’ most overrated franchise), I will return to the DC Improv to inspire a series of students that they too can have a career of ups and downs over the next decade that will lead them right back to the starting point of their careers.   But what makes me a pioneer, worthy of sharing a headline with Jackie Robinson on the weekend that the much hyped biopic about him is released?  It is because I won, despite not being a college student.

I was a law student when the competition was announced, but much like a giant racial and body weight combination of Branch Rickey and Jackie Robinson I decided to not take no for an answer (actually I was approved almost immediately under a broad “student attending a college/university” interpretation of the rules).  And much like Robinson I faced adversity – enduring the heckling, the jeering, the lack of laughter for many of the other comedians was very emotionally taxing, but I went out, dominated and won, just a year into my comedy career, which was about a 11 month, two week advantage over most of the other contestants.  The title was covered for the Georgetown Law newspaper and still remains the first and last time I accomplished anything that made Georgetown/Georgetown Law proud.

So tonight I will be in DC performing for adoring fans and then much like Robinson, will be forced to stay with a local family that agreed to let me board with them (my brother and his family, including my 5 year old nephew who is still baffled by the concept, the desire and the existence of a career in stand up comedy, which I reassure him – no a career in comedy does not exist – like dry land in Waterworld it is a myth).

So if you are not around DC to watch me deliver historic comedy then feel free to watch this week’s review of 42 (up a day early).  It is a fairly bad movie so I advise you to just watch the 7 minute review, which highlights the 42 horrible issues with the film, because it will give you a lot more enjoyment than the actual film, unless you are 11 years old, serving consecutive life sentences in prison or severely stupid.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes