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Will Forte is the James Harden of Comedy (and…

The NBA playoffs have started, my DVR is full and my blog is in need of words so this week’s episode is a useless, but incredibly insightful comparison of NBA stars and people in comedy.  This hit me while watching The Last Man on Earth on Fox a few weeks ago.  It is a very good show starring Will Forte, formerly of SNL fame.  The show is the latest strong Forte product post SNL.  He did MacGruber (you must ignore all signs on-line that it was bad – the movie is hysterical), then he got nominated for an Oscar for Nebraska and now he has created a critically acclaimed show on Fox.  If Bill Hader had produced this streak of post SNL content it would not have surprised me, but Forte had never really made me laugh much on SNL during his tenure. But now, it is clear that SNL was holding him back.  Hence the James Harden example, though even Harden had showed more flashes of stardom on the Oklahoma City Thunder than Forte did on SNL.  For you NBA ignorant folk James Harden was the third wheel on a very talented Oklahoma City Thunder team and was undervalued by OKC so they traded him to the Houston Rockets. A few years later Harden is a top 3 MVP candidate and the Oklahoma City Thunder is out of the playoffs (I hate how singular named teams are referred to in the singular e.g. the Knicks ARE but the Heat IS).

 

Similarly Forte has been killing it since leaving SNL and SNL is out of the playoffs.  Perhaps just as good an analogy might be Tracy McGrady leaving Toronto before reaching superstar level and then winning two scoring titles with the Orlando Magic (BUT JAMES HARDEN IS BETTER FOR CLICKS ON THE INTERNET SO I WILL STICK WITH THAT COMPARISON FOR THE TITLE).  So in that spirit here are some other useless NBA-comedy analogies to honor the kick off of the NBA playoffs:

Bill Burr is Russell Westbrook – One of the dominant talents of his or any generation and a study in barely controllable rage within his respective field, Burr is clearly the Westbrook of comedy.  The same way Kevin Durant overshadowed (perhaps unfairly, perhaps not) Westbrook, Louis CK overshadowed his fellow ginger until very recently.  But no more.

 

Stephen Colbert is Steph Curry – unquestionable talents who never cease to exceed expectations, partly because of being undervalued early in their careers. But with Golden State primed for a finals run and Colbert primed to take over The Late Show these two are now at the top of their fields.

 

Kevin Hart is Kobe Bryant (last 2 seasons only) – Both take tons of shots and don’t make many hits.  Here is a fun game for 2016 – what will be higher: number of movies Kevin Hart makes or number of 30+ shot games 37 year old Kobe Bryant has?  Both should be retired by 2017.

Mark Wahlberg’s manager is Greg Popovich – Wahlberg not a comedy star, but I think it bears comparison if only to highlight Popovich’s greatness.  Wahlberg’s manager took a criminal from Boston with a goofy wigger persona and turned him into an A-list, Oscar nominated star.  Popovich has turned a bunch of overlooked foreign players and a bunch of NBA refuse into an inexplicably high performing team for 15 years.

Eric Andre is Giannis Antetokounpo – Giannis is simply known as “The Greek Freak,” an exciting, how-high-is-his-potential type player who seems to be one of the most physically gifted people in a league full of physically gifted people.  Please see the picture below for why Eric Andre gets him as the comparison.  Showing up in more and more TV shows and movies every year, the ceiling is high for Andre, but like The Greek Freak, only time will tell how far his physical antics take him.

 

John Oliver is Rudy Gobert – Foreigner who emerged very recently as a potential game changer.

 

Amy Schumer is Chris Paul – a star in her own right, she is well known for helping out many comedy friends.  I guess I could have called Mark Normand, Schumer’s opening act, the DeAndre Jordan of comedy since they have become rising stars thanks in part to assists from their point guards.

 

Louis CK is Lebron James – Though their reigns are in the down turn phase there can be no denying that they still sit atop everyone’s current list in their respective fields.  And they are both bald when unaided by hair treatments.

J-L Cauvin is Anthony Davis – Who else could I be, but the next great star of the NBA with versatility and still relative obscurity?  Height, versatility and many years from a title – perfect fit. #Blessed

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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NBA Fashion: It’s FANTASTIC(ly Bad)

The NBA locker room was the most flamboyant place I’d ever been. Guys flaunted their perfect bodies. They bragged about sexual exploits. They primped in front of the mirror, applying cologne and hair gel by the bucketful. They tried on each other’s $10,000 suits, admired each other’s rings and necklaces. It was an intense camaraderie that felt completely natural to them. Surveying the room, I couldn’t help chuckling to myself: And I’m the gay one. – John Amechi

The above quote is from a former NBA journeyman center and the first NBA player to come out publicly as gay a little under a decade ago (after his career was over).  This blog post will not be about gay athletes, but I did think it tangentially highlights the absurdity of what I am writing about today.  The NBA had a fashion show this weekend as part of their All Star Weekend festivities (I did not watch). And with the All Stars of the NBA in NYC, there were several ads in the newspaper featuring prominent NBA stars doing appearances at places like Bloomingdale’s (James Harden) and Ermenegildo Zegna (Carmelo Anthony) to name a couple.  Over the last decade the media has increased its love affair with NBA players showing an interest in fashion like it makes them modern day Bill Bradleys.  My question is, when did fashion stop being the hallmark of one-dimensional stupid people?  I mean at least Modern Family gets it right that the dumb daughter is more of an idiot savant when it comes to fashion, instead of it being one impressive arrow in her quiver of diverse talents.

Disclaimer – I am not “fashionable.”  I wear a lot of sweatshirts and flannel.  My sneakers are usually New Balance.  I have close to a dozen Jos. A Bank suits, which if you have seen their commercials mean I only actually paid for half a suit and got 11.5 free.  But something has shifted.  When did fashion become a real pursuit outside of dumb chicks and gay men?  I am obviously being flippant on purpose to make a point.  Of course I know what it looks like when someone is wearing a great suit (I own mirrors) and I am aware when a woman is wearing something great or awful on the Oscars red carpet.  But fashion in general, and more specifically with athletes, has begun to feel like a modern day version of the Emperor’s New Clothes.

NBA players are more concerned than ever with their “brand.”  I preferred the 1980s and 1990s when only Michael Jordan had a brand because he was the best and a villain to all the other fan bases in the NBA.  Everyone else was about their team, had a modest shoe deal and would not be afraid to punch and tackle a friend on another team.  Larry Bird was not interested in showing the world how diverse a man he was because he was too busy practicing his jumper and icing his back.  Charles Barkley was not holding his tongue and wearing rimless glasses and a fedora at press conferences.  John Stockton showed up wearing polo shirts and khakis as if he were modeling Calvin Klein’s new “Middle School Math Teacher Couture.”  Scottie Pippen rolled in a long black leather coat like he was Shaft, not Zoolander!  The point is these guys might have had other interests, but they had no need to pretend to be a hundred different things for a social media hungry world.  They were well paid basketball players and that is what they did.

But now with shoe deals paying more than team salaries, players who are more immersed in social media approval (and probably a more insecure bunch) and team-to-team bro hugs being part of the ritual of the NBA, playing basketball is not enough for some of these cats.  So when you have super rich men who have focused so much of their lives perfecting, to quote Liam Neeson, a particular set of skills, to the exclusion of other interests, what is an easy way to make them look diversified?

“Fashion.”

Of course, fashion houses benefit – who wouldn’t want giant, athletic, human billboards walking around in their suits or clothing?  And maybe you can make some of these wealthy young men investors since they have more cash to spend than they know what to do with and it sure beats accruing gambling debts like Antoine Walker.  But along the way of Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant rocking slick and classy suits we veered into full on Emperor’s New Clothes.  Along the way someone was supposed to tell Dwyane Wade or Russell Westbrook to cut the shit.  But no one did because they are the meal ticket and they have an odd mixture of supreme self confidence given their fame and skills, but also a need to be taken seriously beyond basketball.  I think that need to appear “more than just a basketball player” is a big need in this day and age of media diversity.  If 50 Cent can be a Vitamin Water mogul then why can’t NBA players be “fashion icons?”  Because not every NBA player can be a Shane Battier or even a Shaquille O’Neal.  So the quickest way to appear to have taste, class, diverse interests AND people kiss your ass is to become immersed in the fashion world.

I will admit, I am no risk taker when it comes to clothing.  And occasionally I can admire someone taking a risk and pulling it off.  But I have always said a woman (and most men) wearing a fedora is an idiot no matter how hot she is.  And some of these “bold fashion choices” by NBA athletes are moronic, no matter how athletic and rich they are.  So come on NBA, maybe next All Star game let’s have a showcase of some extracurricular talents (musical, artistic, educational, etc.) of NBA players to showcase the real diversity of interests in the league instead of a parade of bullshit that really just looks stupid.  And in the spirit of Jon Amechi’s quote at the beginning of this blog post, perhaps have R. Kelly sing “Down  Low” during the next fashion show if you decide to keep it.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

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Who is the Next Lebron James (for trolls)?

The NBA season got started last night and Lebron James and the Miami Heat easily dispatched with the fully recovered Chicago Bulls.  With three Finals appearances and back-to-back titles for Lebron in the last three seasons, only those with Tea Party-to-Obama level hate/obsession with Lebron can still find fault with the man as a player.  He has delivered in every single way that critics demanded and now he is to that next level of “Can he be the greatest of all time” phase of his career, now that he is clearly “one of the all time greats.” (Please click HERE for last year’s tour de force post before Game 7 of the Finals or this gem from right before Lebron’s 2012 Game 6 against the Celtics, i.e. I have always been right). But before the Lebron Tea Party gets fired up and starts spouting Michael Jordan stats at me, that is not the point of this blog.  The point is that in our Internet troll, never apologize, just-move-on-to-the-next-potential-carcass-for-www-vultures culture, it is time to start picking apart NBA stars who are the next “he sucks because he has not won a title” guys.  Never mind that in history, if Lebron ends up as a top 5 or better player of all time we will eventually regard players who lost to him as all time greats anyway (no one really rips Malone, Barkley, Stockton, Payton, or Ewing anymore for not defeating Michael Jordan – in hindsight it merely elevates Jordan’s legacy for vanquishing so many worthy opponents).  And never mind that all of these guys on the list are under 30 years old.  Because we are in the age and spirit of Twitter, the Internet is sure to be full of blogs questioning the heart, commitment, skills and toughness of lots of guys in the next year or so.  So here are the guys I think are up for the New Lebron (for trolls) Award:

(Quick Side note – I think Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is sort of right to be annoyed that he is always left out of GOAT discussions – 6 MVPs, 5 titles, all-time leading NBA scorer and a high school and college phenom who fulfilled all of his promise – just a thought – even though his sky hook was sort of like a video game cheat move that respectable gamers would ban each other from using).

The formula I use is a non-scientific combination of talent + exposure + opportunity + fun to watch (because trolls especially love trashing people who are fun to watch so they appear more grounded and knowledgeable):

8. Carmelo Anthony – I think he barely makes the list because very few people outside of NY believe that Anthony really has the game or mentality to actually lead a team to a title.  I think after the Knicks get bounced in the first round of the playoffs this year people will sort of justifiably stop even worrying about whether Melo is a champion.  But for this year, being in NY will be enough for there to be lots of “Melo is not a winner” chatter.  I actually agree with this one.

7. Blake Griffin – one of the most fun players to watch makes him a prime target for armchair experts to question his commitment (HE’S ALSO IN LOTS OF FUN COMMERCIALS!) and whether he is working on his game enough. Because Chris Paul gets the “amazing leader/culture changer” label that Kevin Garnett got to have going to Boston, the main heat will continue to fall on the fun, but flawed star.

6. Steph Curry – Since he was so explosive last year (and as fun to watch as a guard as Griffin is as a big man, probably even more fun) that gives trolls an immediate chance to be the first to declare Steph Curry “overrated” or “lacking in championship DNA.”

5. Paul George – the darling surprise of last year’s playoffs is a very complete player. Young, rangy, plays well on both sides of the floor are all good qualities, but a year after America even discovered this guy if he loses to Lebron again, instead of giving greatness credit to Lebron they will start asking of a 24 year old, “Will he EVER win a title????”

4. James Harden-Dwight Howard – Dwight (or Da-Wight if you are any number of excitable black journalists on television) Howard is such a (somewhat deservedly) reviled doofus in the NBA that I think they will tire of bashing him and allow some of their hate to drip on to James Harden. Like George, Harden shocked dummies last year with how well he played as a number one target (which then forced people to switch from praising Harden to troll the Oklahoma City Thunder for being “so stupid” to let him go) that now trolls are hoping they can start calling him overrated and say that he and Howard are not winners, if they do not win in their first year together in a very deep western conference.

3. Deron Williams – not as good as a few of the players listed below, but trolls love burying guys forever and if Deron cannot make a serious title run with Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Jason Terry, Joe Johnson and Brook Lopez then he will have done the least with the most among top tier teams.  And Brook Lopez and Joe Johnson are not serious enough to hate and Pierce and Garnett are now 45 year old champions so it all falls on Deron.  He may not be considered as good as some players on this list, but haters and trolls smell a carcass near the end if he fails to win and that makes them salivate.

2. Derrick Rose – Injuries and hate of the Heat have given Derrick Rose a pass (hate of Lebron forced people to ignore that Lebron shut Rose down late in the 2011 series when they played), but now that he is healthy, has a team people think can challenge the Heat and he stayed out all last season (the haters and trolls started to take a whiff of Rose when he sat out the whole playoffs, as if preparing for a full attack on him if he fails to dethrone Lebron in 2013-14).  The nation loves Rose as an anti-Lebron, but he may become their new Lebron if he fails to make noise this year.

1. Kevin Durant – I saw it happen last year on social media and it pissed me off.  Durant went from “I might take him ahead of Lebron if I had to start a franchise today” guy to “He cannot lead a team and is not complete enough (even though he went to the playoffs without his two best players that he had going to the Finals the year before).”  Ignoring that he was a 3 time scoring champ by age 24, that he led a team to the NBA finals at 23 and that his game continues to methodically improve, haters did not have Lebron to hate anymore so they moved on to the next best thing. Which is the best compliment one can give to Kevin Durant.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic, iTunes and NOW on STICHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe on one or more platforms today – all for free!

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A Beard Saves the Houston Comedy Trip

Comedy can be cruel.  For example, after last week’s ridiculously great set of shows at Helium in Philadelphia, I found out within a span of 2 hours this past Monday that a show at the Houston Improv on Feb 20th was cancelled and that the club I was supposed to perform near Baltimore on February 22-23rd had closed.  The comedy lord giveth and he taketh away.  But I still had a private gig in Houston on the 21st (tonight as I write this) which was the reason for going to Houston in the first place.  And changing flights would have been more than 5x the cost of the hotel for one night (I stay in really classy joints) so I decided to check if the Houston Rockets were playing.  There were and tickets were available.  More on this in a minute.

I was flying to Houston by Southwest because flights are dirt cheap to Hobby, because it is a hub of Southwest (I think).  I just had to get an 8 am flight to Midway, wait 3 hours and then catch my flight to Houston, arriving at 2:50 pm with plenty of time to spare before the Rockets-Oklahoma City Thunder game at 7pm local.

I woke up at 430 am because I am now committed to making trips as cheap as possible, which means the 6 train to the M60 bus to LaGuardia.  $2.25 for only 375 minutes of travel.  The flight to Midway took off on time and arrived early.  Then bad sh*t started happening.

I already had a 2 hour and 50 minute layover, but that was before my flight got delayed an additional 3 hours and 45 minutes.  Even when I factored in Southwest’s “we are super cheap, so don’t depend on us that much” motto I did not think they would actually put me in jeopardy of missing the game.  The lesson here is no matter how big a lead your team has, never doubt that Southwest Airlines can turn it into a deficit.

When I finally arrived in Houston greeted by fellow comedian Alex Barnett who informed me that Brian Jian, the third comedian who would be performing Thursday (tonight) had flown in to Houston’s other airport.  So we arrived at the arena only 8 minutes after tip off, but in Texas, everything is bigger, especially the lines of people driving into parking lots because public transit does not exist here because public stuff is part of a socialist plot – AMUUURRRRRICA!

So the three of us arrived and we absolutely were representative of the Rockets organization.  We had Brian, representing the Asian community, which was in full force to support Jeremy Lin, or as they call him in Houston, Yao .5. Then there was me at 6’7″ the average height of an NBA player. Then we had Alex, a short Jewish attorney to represent the agents and ownership ranks of the NBA.  And lastly we had Alex’s friend Chuck, who was black.  We could have been a promotional ad for the NBA.

 

A tall guy, a Jewish lawyer and an Asian – it must be NBA action in Houston!

As soon as we arrived we discovered that some people were in our seats.  They asked if they could stay because they were part of an office party and they had nearly identical seats on the other side of the arena and were willing to pay us $20 each to exchange (naturally that deal was orchestrated by Alex). We did and the seats were almost as good; I still had an aisle seat to stretch my awkward legs.

At this point, after being up for 16 hours and travelling for 12 of them I was beat and don’t forget we were at the game because a show was cancelled.  And then, in one of the greatest ironies in my 10 years of comedy, a man with a beard made it all worth it.  James Harden, the immensely talented well-bearded star of the Houston Rockets put in one of the greatest performances I have seen live (for the record I have only been able to watch myself perform stand up on recorded video, for obvious reasons).

We were enjoying the game which featured Harden’s old team, the Oklahoma City Thunder and it was back and forth all game, but with the Thunder always in the lead.  Here are some of the highlights up until Harden and Lin went legend:

  • Harden hits a half court shot at the buzzer of halftime.  We all missed it because we were arguing over something.
  • But fortunately the INCREDIBLE HD scoreboard of the Toyota Center replayed it for us several times – seriously the scoreboard at that place is incredible and the producer of it is so good it looks like he is producing highlight reels and music videos live.  Seriously, if you are in Hollywood I would snatch up the Toyota Center Jumbotron segment producer now.  He (or she, but probably he) most likely has a cheap price tag.
  • The giveaway people are really good at the Toyota center.  We were in the cheap seats (which are $69, so not that cheap) but the t shirt giveaway people run up there and hand out free t-shirts since we are out of range of the 16 year old girl with the t-shirt gun. Also, there is “parachute time” when some guy in the scaffolding (I dubbed him “The Phantom of the Giveaways”) starts dropping down prizes in mini parachutes.  Unfortunately our seats were behind, and practically above him so we did not get any.
  • Speaking of giveaway teams – wouldn’t this be a great place for Al Qaeda to launch their next team?  The stadium gives you t-shirt gun firepower, the opportunity to stand in the middle of the court and a chance to drop miniature parachute bombs all over the crowd.  You get a motivated sleeper cell of energetic Al Qaeda teens (the jungle gym workout is great for auditioning as a halftime tumbling act as well) and next thing you know you have 9/11 x 6 at a sports arena.  In other words I think we need to screen these arena employees more carefully.
  • And last thing I noticed at the arena is that during the game they highlighted a “Suite of the Game.” This is where the arena takes the richest people in the stadium, who have luxury boxes, and puts them on the screen for the masses to cheer and appreciate their success.  WE DID BUILD THAT!
Here they are Houston… your rich people of the night!!!

So with all those highlights the game was coming to its conclusion the Thunder were leading by a dozen or so points with less than five minutes and Brian, who earlier in the game met up with Jeremy Lin’s agent for China-related dealings (they are friends, proving that the Chinese are the Jews of China) said words that must have reached Lin on some sort of cosmic, Asian, telepathic level.  He said “The Rockets better make their move now.  Time is running out.” It was like when Drago’s trainer yelled “SHOSHYA!” right before Drago murdered Apollo.  And just like that James Harden and Jeremy Lin put on a display of brilliance that had me going “HOUSTON IMPROV WHO???!!!”  Harden put on a dazzling display of shooting and testicular fortitude on his way to a career high of 46 points and Lin dropped in two three pointers in the last few minutes, ending the game with 29.  Rockets win by three.  And comedy disappointment was unexpectedly handed its second straight week of defeat.  Nice win rockets.

And now tonight it is time to a show for the Houston Intellectual Property Bar Association.  Dammit – maybe I should wait til tomorrow to gloat over the comedy gods.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes.