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10 Years In Comedy – The Worst and Best…

The celebration of my ten years in comedy continues this week with another retrospective post.  Admittedly, Monday’s post had the celebratory feel of a 9/11 memorial service so with today’s post I hope to offer something a little more instructive and even-handed.  My ten years in comedy have taught me many things, both good and bad and I thought I would share what I believe my worst and best decisions were in those ten years and how they impacted my career.

As is my nature let’s start with the worst decision.  For many comedians, both delusional (majority) and realistic, the goal is to get management.  Having someone reputable and connected guiding you, but more importantly for tangible benefits, getting you in front of people with power in entertainment, has become the holy grail to most comedians.  A lot of comedians talk that rap of  “I just want to get better,” but getting better, especially early on, when the highs from compliments and laughs are super high, is really just a means to the end of money and recognition, if not fame.  I once had management.  I had sent out a mass mailing to a bunch of agencies and even though I was only 4 years in to comedy, I believed (correctly) that my volume and quality of material was at least moving beyond my peers so I thought – “it’s time for me to take the next step!”  I sent a DVD/headshot/resume (which included every club I had done an open mic at) to dozens of managers and crossed my fingers.

To my surprise, several months after doing the initial mailing I received an email from someone at a very well known management company.  It surprised me that they would contact me over some smaller outfits that I had reached out to, but so be it.  I ended up having some very good conversations with Jamie, the manager who contacted me and then a very inspiring call with the head of the entire company.  After that I was submitted for The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and before you could say “Who the fu*k is J-L Cauvin?” I was booked for the show.  I ended up getting one other regional television booking a couple of months later, all while higher-ups at the agency kept telling me to move to California.  However, my name was not signed to any paper, signifying an official relationship and although confident that I was funny, I was not confident enough to leave NYC on the encouragement of people working in the most dishonest business in the world.  But Jamie continued to call me once a week to chat and to tell me about things he wanted to submit me for.  On a personal front he also made a few correct predictions about my ex-fiancee.

But then just as I felt like I was building momentum Jamie was let go (as it was presented to me) by the management company.  And I had a very abrupt decision to make – do I stick with the individual who has helped me or do I stick with the big name company with more connections?  I chose the company – or the road more frequently travelled – and that made all the difference unfortunately.  My ex-fiancee and I broke up and I had a subsequent pair of mediocre showcases (though one was a NACA college showcase and last time I checked – student body presidents from small colleges in the Dakotas are not power players in Hollywood) in the wake of that personal annoyance.  The management company quickly lost interest, but did not tell me to look elsewhere for representation for another 6 months.  Meanwhile, Jamie now represents several writers in Hollywood and appears as loyal as ever to his talent.

Since my decision to stick with the name instead of the person I have not been back on television and have had to hustle and fight for every small piece of the comedy pie that I have had over the last 5+ years.  Who knows what would have happened if I had stuck with Jamie.  Perhaps nothing, but having someone who believes in you in your corner is something that, I have learned the hard way, is invaluable in entertainment.   So if there are any young comics struggling or comics just starting to see a rise in their fortunes, choose the person who believes in you over the person who impresses you the most (assuming, of course some base level of competency in management for both parties – needless to say the woman in my building that I chat with in the laundry room believes in my comedy 100%, but I would not have her manage my career).  It is a mistake I have made and will not make again.  It is the same logic that showed why Boof was such a better choice than Pamela in Teen Wolf.  Someone who believes in you will give effort that cannot be intellectually manufactured.  They will fight as hard as you because they share your belief in yourself.

So what is possibly the good decision here of this ten year journey?  Well, recently I had a couple of meetings with managers, based largely off of the success of the Louis CK video (their lack of subsequent contact has given me comfort knowing I may not need to make a tough decision on picking representation).  I also got an opportunity to do a web series shortly after leaving a comedy group that I had been part of.  These are small things, but they are the result of a simple decision I made –  to stop trying to be successful.  This was more a mental choice.  I still work as hard as I have been, but I now have removed expectations on myself.  The only demands I place on myself are to make good comedy and good comedy products.   Anything after that is not really in my hands.  So when a young comedian says they only want to get good I don’t believe them.  You have to have that natural inclination to egotistical attitude humbled out of you (I don’t even mean bragging or talking sh*t – I just mean that intoxicating feeling that takes hold of you early in your career when a good looking woman tells you you were funny or when a crowd pumps you up – it is too strong early on not to have your ego, even if quietly, take some control of your expectations). Some guys keep rising and then believe they can pontificate on what it means to be a comedian, but their experience is the exception, not the rule.  I now just want to be great because that is all that is left for me to aim for.  When no other validation seems available or possible that is when being great at comedy for comedy’s sake can really and finally take hold.

So I guess this whole post could summarized by saying the worst decision I made in comedy was putting my faith in the wrong people and the best decision I made was letting go of the mental state that got me to have misplaced faith in the first place.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

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10 Years In Comedy – A Cauvinary Tale

This weekend represented my last weekend as a 9 year stand up comic.  That is right, today marks the 10th anniversary of the first time I picked up a microphone attempting to be a stand up comic.  The venue was the Takoma Station Tavern, a jazz club in Washington, DC that played host to an open mic on Monday nights (it’s the laughs you don’t hear that make the difference).  The memorable things about that night were that my friend and law school classmate Hank came with his brother, the emcee referred to the sweat under a woman’s breast (the exact quote “fu*kin’ sweat under a titty be tastin’ like buttermilk”) and my set went very well for a first time.  I got a few laughs and did not forget any of the five minutes I had written and practiced for two weeks in my apartment. My thinking was simple: if I get booed or don’t get laughs I would have the set so committed to memory that I could get through it no matter what.  Now a whole lot of pain and some joy could have been avoided if that crowd at the Takoma Station Tavern had just told me to “get the fu*k off the stage” or booed very loudly (where is the student body of Medgar Evers College when you need them – STILL my worst gig in ten years), but they gave me enough support to motivate me to take the stage the next night (I use stage loosely to describe “The Cave,” a friendly and tiny room in the basement of a Best Western near Georgetown Law’s campus).  And that bit of preparation and good fortune ten years ago led to the weekend I will describe for you.

Me after a mic in DC in 2003-04, my first year in comedy. Smile has been reported missing since 2005.

I had a spot at the Laughing Devil on Friday night in Long Island City.  The attendance was very light, but I ended up having my best set in probably a year.  It was fifteen minutes, which was approximately one minute for every person who heard the set, and ten of the minutes had been brand new stuff I had been working on during the past week.  It all went well and to show you how far my perspective has come from that DC night ten years ago – the set pissed me off.  It pissed me off because I had just recorded an album set and this 15 minutes was not on it (now trying to schedule another show so I can edit together all the material I want on the new album). It also pissed me off because there were so few people there (while simultaneously making me feel guilty for not appreciating a top notch group of people in attendance).  One thing I tell young comedians, who are looking for (immediate) keys to success, is that you need to become successful before you lose most of your friends.  Success will keep your friends around and bring you fans.  Skill, without success will lose you friends (if you devote as much time and energy to comedy as is required) and not replace their vacancy with new-found fan support.  In The Dark Knight he said it was said “it is darkest just before the dawn.” Well in comedy, it is loneliest just before everyone wants a piece of your sh*t.

When I started comedy, my closest friends were in their early twenties which meant that they had no wives, no kids and were intrigued by the new activity I had chosen.  Now ten years later, despite a series of modest accomplishments and an act that grows and sharpens exponentially every year, almost all of them either have no time or no appreciation for what I do.  But because of the scarcity of feature work, the lack of a mentor or, more importantly, a manager I have not been able to advance my career to the point that fans fill the empty seats where enthusiastic friends once sat.   As an example, I can draw more people to a show in Philly or DC, where I am viewed as a comedian by the people in those cities who have seen me, than in NYC, where after 10 years some of my friends still tease me with the moniker “the comedian” as if it is some quirky, hopeless activity I participate in, like collecting stamps.  I mean, I know the average career in comedy now ranks slightly below poetry slamming, but I am no stamp collector!

Which brings me to the second illustrative event of the weekend.  I have not been booked for 2 1/2 years at a prominent comedy club chain in the country.  I was passed to work these clubs in 2009, received two bookings in 2010, three in 2011, at which point I received an unsolicited e-mail from the booker telling me the great things he had heard about my work and that I would be bumped up his list in priority.  This was great news and it led to zero bookings over the next 28 months.  These are clubs where I have gained fans, sold albums and been able to work with top tier headliners.  But I received an e-mail this weekend that basically said it is a buyers’ market for comedy right now and that I will remain on the fringe of booking priority.  So now other road gigs are still available, but the trajectory is not good.  From 2007-2011 I received more road work than the year before.  Then in 2012 that took a huge bump down and my calendar has yet to recover.  This leaves me with the option of becoming a headliner, which means becoming famous through something other than stand up to facilitate that, or writing off a couple dozen A-list clubs as avenues of potential income.

That brings me to the third emblematic moment of the weekend: Sunday. I received a last minute booking to be on an independently produced show at The Stand.  I also had a bar show afterwards in Astoria.  The show at The Stand went really well and I was extremely happy with my set.  Then I got paid.  This may not seem like something strange, but it was the first time I had a comedy club pay me for doing a spot in Manhattan.  That is right, after 10 years of comedy and 9 years in NYC doing it I have yet to be passed at a single Manhattan comedy club.  For the first half of my pursuit of comedy glory I did a lot of bringers at a lot of different clubs.  Then I decided to consolidate all of my efforts at one comedy club.  Any tape I needed I did a bringer at that club.  I put in face time at the club and went to shows there when I was not doing spots.  But for whatever stroke of bad luck, bad look or bad connections – I am not closer to being passed at that club or seemingly any others.  I no longer have the energy or spare time to “put in face time” at clubs because I still prefer to prioritize actually performing over face time, even if that means lonely bars in outer boroughs .   But still it felt good to have a club employee hand me some money for performing.

The second show of Sunday and the last official stage time of my 9th year was how I expected – a few laughs, a few blank stares and a barely audible amount of applause as I exited the stage.  I do not pretend to be an expert at the business of comedy, but I know I am an expert in comedy.  I know it and do it very well.  But this is no longer enough, or even the most important thing.  So despite the things that occurred in the middle of the last decade for my comedy career – in ten years I basically gained $25 and lost a few applause from the first night I did comedy.  Can’t wait for the next ten years.  It may not get better, but it can’t get much worse.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

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James Comey, Lebron James and The Formula For Greatness

It is a great week to be a tall  lawyer in America.  James B. Comey has just been named President Obama’s choice to lead the FBI.  Comey is a moderate Republican, who stands 6’8″ and is best known for his principled refusal to authorize a renewal of President Bush’s wiretap program as Bush’s White House counsel tried to get a disoriented and hospitalized John Ashcroft to re-authorize the program.  It was a great moment for a principled lawyer, and it could not have hurt that Comey is 6’8″ and then-White House Counsel Alberto Gonzalez is as big as you would imagine a man named Alberto Gonzalez would be.  He also demonstrated the most clutch moment, other than possibly getting clemency for a death row inmate at the 11th hour, that a lawyer can have.  Blocking the re-authorization was the legal equivalent of a Pick-6 in football down 5 in the 4th quarter.

Comey is only one star of the 6’8″ variety this week.  The other is a man I have already written about this week – Lebron James.  He is certified as the best basketball player in the world and he stands 6’8″.  He is 6 wins from winning back-to-back NBA championships (though two losses from not doing that) and is playing basketball at an incredible level.  He has also proven clutch and will have to do so again (I hope he does).

 

But great things always happen in threes, right? Or is that disasters? Anyway, with the success of these two tall men this week I imagined it was finally my time as well.  In fact I am a lawyer (non-practicing – so I guess I am not a religious lawyer, but a cultural one, but  I do enjoy being a dick and arguing so maybe I am a lawyer spiritually) AND I played college basketball (my 4 year career stats look like the line of a dominant college player’s best week of his career), so how could my comedy career not be ready to blow?  I mean, my Mom is white just like Jame Comey’s mom and my Dad is black just like Lebron James’ Dad (presumably – his last known whereabouts are ejaculating into a crazy woman in Akron, Ohio in the early 1980s)! Perhaps I am just too much of a good thing – or two rights make a wrong?  I decided 2013 would be my last year doing comedy if opportunities did not arise and just like a Lebron layup or a James Comey hospital interception I got a gig as a host of a legal-comedy web series affiliated with the Discovery Channel (look for it in July) and made my first truly viral video.  So I have the law, the hoops, the white Mom and the black Dad and the clutch performances, so it has to happen now, right?

And then I realized that I am 6’7″ and those guys are 6’8″.  So there it is people – the formula I thought I had mastered is in fact wrong.  The key to success these days is to be 6’8″.  Good luck working on your height everybody.  I am going to start doing yoga.

So close to greatness…

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

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Lebron, Roy and Tony: American Rorschach Test

The NBA Season is winding down, which is terrifying me.  To demonstrate how far apart baseball and I have grown over the years I now call the months between the end of NBA Season and the beginning of the NFL “tennis season.” #TeamNadal.  Even though my Utah Jazz did not even make the playoffs this NBA playoffs promised ample opportunities to be right and enjoy myself.  Here are the 4 main predictions/thoughts I had before the playoffs:

1) Lebron James is the best basketball player in the world and well on his way to GOAT status.

2) Why Can’t The Spurs Win The West – they keep winning 60 games and seem ageless?

3) The Knicks Cannot Win with Melo.  He is a second tier star that Knick fans think is a first tier star.

4) The Pacers are going to beat the Knicks in 6. They do not have the established “star” yet of Melo’s hype, but they are much better than the Knicks.

Well, not to start calling myself the Righteous Sports Guy, but four for four.  The Spurs are now in the Finals.  Sure Russell Westbrook’s injury helped, but the Spurs completely dismantled the Grizzlies, which I don’t think many people could have predicted (even me).  This makes me happy only because it has the potential to move Tim Duncan (2 regular season MVPs and 3 time Finals MVP) ahead of Kobe on the best player/best leader all time list (as much for Kobe as it is for Kobe fans who I do battle with).  The Knicks lost exactly how I believed they would, while Knick fans continue to say that “Melo needs more help” instead of saying “the Knicks need to build around a star who plays a complete game and makes teammates better.”  Good luck Knicks with the 6 seed and a first round exit in 2013-14.  Lebron is proving to be the most electrifying man in sports entertainment (sorry The Rock).  Lebron’s court intelligence, dominance of every aspect of the game, and freakish athleticism (only Lebron could make last night’s block of George Hill appear to be predictable and routine) have made Lebron my favorite thing to watch in sports that is not a Usain Bolt sprint.  I root for him because I want to keep watching him play basketball (and based on last night’s illegal screen foul call, I believe David Stern also wants to watch him play more) and because I like seeing his irrational haters more angry.

But before a Spurs-Heat Finals is official, the deep, disciplined and admirable Indiana Pacers remain in the way.  The Pacers appear to have the kind of team I wish the Jazz had.  They have a near-superstar Paul George (before the playoffs I said Paul George for Melo straight up would be a huge win for the Knicks, even just for this year and was called crazy), several very good players and most importantly, Roy Hibbert.  When Hibbert entered the NBA I was not a fan.  First off he went to Georgetown, a sworn enemy of mine ever since law school.  Second, his body and game resembled an evolutionary predecessor to NBA bust Hasheem Thabeet.  But then Hibbert did something.  He worked his ass off.  He is now arguably the second best center in the NBA behind a healthy Dwight Howard (but no one likes that guy anyway).  And he co-starred on a couple of episodes of Parks and Recreation.  How can you not like Roy Hibbert?

So now America is presented with three possible choices/leaders in the NBA Finals:  Lebron James, Roy Hibbert and Tony Parker.  Now I am squarely in James’ camp for reasons listed above.  However, Hibbert is a respectable and admirable choice.  But unless you are from San Antonio or Paris I cannot respect a choice of Tony Parker.

If you root for Lebron James you honor America’s tradition of greatness and exceptionalism (and ignore today’s current narcissism and jealousy of those clearly better than you)

If you root for Roy Hibbert you honor America’s tradition of hard work leading to success and defying expectations (though admittedly the expectations of a 7’2″ black man succeeding in the NBA are slightly higher than normal).

However if you root for Tony Parker (especially as some sad bitter struggle against Lebron) then you are supporting a man who fu*ked a teammate’s wife, cheated on his Hollywood actress wife and is based in a foreign country.  In other words, Tony Parker may be the best embodiment of America today!

So enjoy these last 6-10 NBA games of the season before tennis gets into full… swing!

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

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The Bluth Family and Lebron: The Monday Weekend Recap

Normally my Monday blog is a recap of the gigs/comedic adventures that took place over the weekend, but I had no bookings (if you look at my June calendar you will see this is the theme for the month) so instead I waited patiently for the arrival of Season 4 of Arrested Development on Netflix.  The waiting began watching another modern classic, Lebron James, on Friday night.  Sadly, I missed much of the second half because I was traveling to Brooklyn to watch a friend’s band.   When I arrived at the bar I saw that James had been great as usual, but then I saw his miserable two turnovers in the last minute of the game that sealed the win for the Pacers.  My disappointment in James, which is really just sadness at seeing people so eager for a chance to crap on the greatest basketball player of all time (yes I said it – his game passes both statistical analysis and the eye test) and not appreciate the genius that is Lebron James, was only a foreshadowing to the disappointment I would feel watching the newest installment of the greatest television comedy of all time (yes I said it).

Arrested Development was recommended to me several times over the last decade. I finally watched the three original seasons on DVD a couple of years ago and thought it was the funniest show I had ever seen.  It was like Modern Family’s older, more talented brother who had no time for compassion and life lessons because he was too busy being hilarious.  Not one minute of Arrested Development was wasted and it was such a perfect melding of writing and acting talent that everyone on the show has since been basically typecast as their AD character because they were all so perfect.  And then Season 4 arrived.

I have watched the first 5 (of 15 episodes) and have been very disappointed.  I would not say they are bad, but they pale in comparison to the previous seasons.  The episodes are longer, with more filler and a weird structural format.  Right now I would say that season 4 is a C+ (whereas the show was an overall A+ before these episodes).

But the weekend was not all lost.  Lebron James engineered a thorough destruction of the Indiana Pacers Sunday night.  My hope is that the final ten episodes of Arrested Development can pull a similar turnaround.  That way, if Arrested Development gets great and Lebron wins a second title, the only disappointment left in June will be the thing least important to me – my comedy gig calendar.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

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The Gripes of the Week

If you have a blog entitled Righteous Prick, there should be some complaints.  So here are a few of the things this week that brought me closer to an aneurysm:

The Fake Outrage Section

A story that was being circulated on social media about an 18 year old Florida woman who was sleeping with her 14 year old basketball teammate.  The 18 year old has been arrested and been charged with a variety of felony offenses and this of course has been deemed an attack on same sex couples.  However, the laws are gender neutral.  This would not have made many news outlets if it had been an 18 year old man and a 14 year old girl.  I am never one to claim that groups are seeking special rights when they are seeking basic and fundamental rights.  And if you want to claim that statutory rape laws need to be changed then that is a different conversation.  But an 18 year old being sexually active with a 14 year old could justifiably be a great concern to the parents to the younger woman, could it not?  Without it being some act of heinous prejudice?  In fact, not doing anything when the law is clearly stated and gender neutral would be discriminatory against same sex couples in the same predicament, would it not?  If you believe the laws of our society are too puritanical that is one argument, but to claim that this is some vile act of hate against same-sex couples seems stupid to me.  Even if the parents of the 14 year old have bigoted reasons for their concern the prosecutors should not take that into account if laws have been broken.  But keep waging your war on Facebook against everything that seems wrong from quickly read headlines.  After all, the Times reported that the 18 year old has received substantial on-line support.  Because that is what the Sixth Amendment guaranteed – Trial by Positive Tweets.  I am not saying i think she should go to jail. I am saying that many of you are stupid.

In anticipated fake outrage in the comedy world, apparently Jerry Lewis was asked who his favorite female comedians were and the 87 year old, who already said over a decade ago he did not find women funny, shockingly replied that he did not have any favorites (with some other antiquated notions of femininity)!  Now first off the very question is sort of baiting the response it got.  And without bashing Jerry Lewis, because I have no opinion one way or the other about the man, he raised a lot of money for children, entertained a lot of people and doesn’t think women are funny.  Is this a crime?  Do we really even care what he thinks?  Is he Jerry Sandusky or Jerry Lewis.  Lighten up.

Disappointing Movie Section

I was at the world premiere in NYC of Now You See Me, a movie about bank robbing magicians.  The movie was a star studded affair and full of women who looked like they were hoping to get pregnant by a Hollywood star that night (“that’s right ladies, 252,000 hits and counting… where are you going???”).  It stars Jessie Eisenberg, who is basically Michael Cera if Michael Cera became unbelievably arrogant after getting laid once.  Woody Harrelson gives the best performance in the movie and there are some very good scenes.  It started really well, evoking a sort of youth-infused Oceans 11, but then it became a mess and completely unbelievable to the point that the twist was obvious because it was the only trick the movie had left to play.  But most disappointing  was the fact that I walked right by Michael Caine outside and he did not recognize me.

The New York City Is Going to Get More Dangerous Section

There are a few worries of New Yorkers that are not as present in other cities.  One is a constant possibility of terrorism.  Slightly worse than that are the hundreds of thousands of women who text without looking where they are walking (men do it to, but it is like a 73%/27% split according to my unofficial statistical work).  But these two awful things are being joined by a third holy terror – city provided bikes.  The most arrogant and reckless people in New York City, after 24 year old drunk white girls, are people who ride bikes around the city.  Bike riders in the city are the reason you must look both ways when crossing a one way street because they do not obey traffic laws or directions.  And Mayor Bloomberg has given the city to them (for the record I love Bloomberg’s nanny state stuff because people are stupid, fat and unhealthy, but this is too far).  Lots of bike lanes showed up last year and now bike rentals arrive this weekend.  So say goodbye to your safety NYC – the bikers are about to take over the city.

Annoying Personal Projects

Just kidding, this week I dropped all sorts of hot sh*t on the Internet.  First was Alt Wolf, my new video which is around 1,000 views after 24 hours (just 88,000 of the pace of the Louis CK video, but slightly ahead of my average pre-Louis CK video pace):

But it has only generated a couple of negative comments.  Let’s get those up people!

Then there was this week’s Righteous Prick podcast (#72) which got a nice amount of listens.  Hear me debate and discuss the greats of Saturday Night Live here! Oh, if there is a gripe it is that I have been averaging close to 200 per show for the run, but I only have 37 followers.  Let’s get that to 50!  Seriously stop being di*ks and cu*ts and become followers.  The sh*t is free and funny.

And lastly, before you go waste your money on The Hangover 3, which it will be a profound waste of money, check out the review of the best movie of the Summer so far right here – Star Trek: Into Darkness (and then subscribe if you like movies):

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Alt Wolf: The Best Comedy Video I’ve Ever Made

A little less than a month removed from the viral success of the Louis C.K. parody video I have done it again (I think)!  Alt Wolf is my new video and though it will not have the same reach as the CK video it is actually much better.  A lot of people worked hard on this so be sure to watch the credits if you need music, make-up or video editing work.   If you are a fan of comedy, alternative comedy, Bill Burr, or just want to see hipster culture brutally mocked then please enjoy this video.  Like the CK video, which got 82 shares on Facebook in 36 hours, the power to spread the video is with you.  Only you can prevent forest fires and J-L Cauvin obscurity.  So watch it, tweet it, like it and share it if you do enjoy it.  Thanks.  I will now begin the process of annoying everyone who liked the CK video to give this one a chance.  Now without further adieu here is… ALT WOLF!

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

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In Two Days…

As if I needed another reason to root against the NY Knicks (besides the irritating Knick fan base and Melo and JR Smith’s bricklaying competition) tonight against the Indiana Pacers I now have one.  In two days I will be recording my new stand up comedy album at Stage 72 in NYC.  And the 9:00pm start time would go right up against the potential sixth game of the Knicks-Pacers series.  This is bad for multiple reasons.  One, it means the Knicks have won Game 5 and will have re-instilled an irrational belief in Knick fans that this is, once again, “their year.”  Two, it means I will not be able to see the Knicks last game of the season.  And three, people in NYC may be conflicted in deciding to watch an explosive 6’7″ guy who takes a lot of shots or Carmelo Anthony.  But my message to Knick fans is this: you can see your team disappoint you every April/May, but this will probably be my last album for a long time, if not ever so get tickets and come to the show.

Tickets can be bought here – http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/367876  Please spread the word and come out for it.  I promise you will not be disappointed.  I cannot say the same for watching the Knicks. If you need some convincing this week’s episode of my podcast was a selection of great tracks from my first three albums.  Enjoy!

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday! 

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My SNL Mount Rushmore

At the risk of seeming redundant if Buzzfeed has already posted 17 versions of “23 SNL stars we cannot live without,” Bill Hader’s announced departure from Saturday Night Live made me ponder who my favorite SNL stars of all time are.  I wrote it on my Facebook page and all hell broke loose.  My criteria for choosing may explain why the four I have are the four I have, but it won’t appease all/most of you so feel free to leave your homophobic and questioning-my-mental-state type comments in the comments section.  I chose Eddie Murphy, Phil Hartman, Will Ferrell and Bill Hader.  I got a lot of heat for neglecting several names.  First their were the folks I call the conservative SNL fans – the ones that want an original member on – Bill Murray, John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd were the three names mentioned most often in that order.  Then there were the folks in my age range and a little older who wanted their pre-teen and teenage nostalgia represented with Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, Chris Farley and to one delusional, but well-meaning soul, Adam Sandler. And lastly there are the folks who clamor for Kristen Wiig or Gilda Radner, but I am not the Huffington Post Twitter recommendations!  Kristen Wiig is like the Carmelo Anthony of SNL – very talented, but took so many shots (Kristen Wiig was in 107% of SNL sketches in her final two seasons) that stats appear bigger than impact.  If I had to replace Hader (because to me he is admittedly the most tenuous selection of the four – only Bill Murray or Dana Carvey could take his place, but I stuck with Hader.  My criteria was simple (and has nothing to do with post/outside show successes):

  • Versatility – impressions and inventing new characters.
  • Stature on the show – were they a pillar of their era
  • Do I still laugh at them today?

Now admittedly this criteria will favor modern comic talent more, which is what makes Eddie Murphy even more amazing.  He very well might be #1 overall and emerged in the earlier phase of the show.   But this is what I picked so here it is:

Versatility – I don’t think anyone can dispute the versatility of the men I chose.  They did both iconic impressions, but also created many original characters/sketch ideas.  This is where someone like Dana Carvey would stand out and be right at the top of an all-time SNL list.  But this is only one category.

Stature on the show – each person was a big time player on the show and was undoubtedly the best on the show at the peak of their respective SNL careers.  But of course to some people on my Facebook comment stream ignoring the original pillars of Murray, Belushi, Aykroyd, etc. is sacrilegious.  Murray would be the only guy I would come close to replacing Hader with, but part of me feels like that would be me incorporating his terrific and long film career into the mix subconsciously (though Hyde Park on Hudson was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen).  But like versatility I need more than just one category dominance.

Do I still laugh at them today – yes for all four.  Though Bill Murray”s Lounge Singer act was something I still laugh at, the majority of early SNL just makes me smile.  I do love Dan Aykroyd’s shady toy seller character as much as anything that has been on, but those are isolated examples.  I find Murphy, Hartman, Ferrell and Hader to be great in just about everything they did and can laugh at a majority of their work right now.  I understand the show as a whole has been better than it is now (as well as more culturally relevant), but that should not penalize Hader who is absurdly gifted and will leave a huge whole in the show.  I understand there is a modern bias because humor on SNL has developed in large part thanks to the early efforts and development of sketch comedy on the show.   But Dana Carvey impressions and sketches do not make me laugh the way they once did (“Chopping Broccoli” is an exception) and a lot of the general early stuff doesn’t get me going anymore. Farley was hilarious, but I do not see him as having the body of work (in part because of tragedy) or versatility of the other guys on the list.  The guys on the list were alpha dogs during their time.  It is easier to be a 3 sketch supporting second tier guy, I imagine, than to be the guy who most of the writers are trying to write for.  Each of my selections was “the guy” at some point.  So Murphy, Hartman, Ferrell and Hader – congrats!

Of course if this was all sketch comedy I might put Jim Carrey’s work on In Living Color above them all.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

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Comedy Recap of the Week: Heckled by 3 Women…

I did a show in Park Slope last night – a show that I usually have fun at and  always find interesting.  It is run by the very funny comedian/Twitter-philosopher Yannis Pappas and there was a sizeable crowd most of the night at the small bar.  I was scheduled to go last because they were kind enough to give me a little extra time as I prep for my CD recording.  I started the set so-so, but then got into my quick bit about Fun. and Lena Dunham.  It received good laughs from the crowd according to my recording of the show, but I lost three women in the crowd (separate women – they were not friends or sitting with each other).  When I compared Dunham’s body to a manatee, which I assumed would elicit anger from manatee fans, I was shocked to hear these three women express displeasure.  I moved on to a bit that did well (though I carried it for about 30 seconds too long) about subtle racism in pop music and then I made the mistake of asking the crowd,”Did I lose you guys after the Lena Dunham bit – is she the patron Saint of Brooklyn ( if you recall from one of last week’s posts – I got a similar reaction from some people at a different Brooklyn location)?”  And then the three women spoke up.  To introduce you to the cast of characters:

1) The unfunny woman trying comedy who bombed 20 minutes before I went on stage, a/k/a Ms. Unfunny.  This woman is trying to do comedy and apparently the first lesson she learned was to save her best quips for a comedian who follows her.  To put it this way, she was so bad the Huffington Post has put her on a list of women NOT to follow on Twitter.  Her set was bad, but her comment that I had the same physique as Dunham (considering I am in the worst shape of my life and a man I am not sure how that is defending Dunham, but so be it).  My response was to tell her “you are a suicide bomber comedian – you go into a room and not only destroy your own set, but ruin other comedians’ sets as well.  Congrats.”  I then told her she should quit and that her set would technically not count as a start in comedy anyway.

Now for anyone who thinks this is me complaining about an unfunny woman, I am not.  A person trying comedy for what appears to be the first time should know enough not to heckle another performer – especially for the sole reason that he mocked the creator of an HBO show.

2) The woman who demanded napkins from me several times during the show without a thank you or a please because apparently I am her employee AND she had lengthy, unwanted conversations with multiple comics during their sets when she interrupted her nonstop texting sessions, a/k/a Princess.   Her claim to fame at this point was that during the Dunham discussion she said, without taking credit, “Where’s the guy Yannis told to ‘waaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaa’ after a bad joke?”  She did not take credit for it once I focused on her, but we eventually had a heart to heart at the end of my set (foreshadowing).

3) A woman with a very tough, big-chick-escorting-JamieLannister-on-Game-Of-Thrones haircut also chimed in – but she doesn’t get a nickname because after she voiced very brief disapproval of my joke about Dunham she said nothing else to my memory.  So I guess thanks for respecting or at least tolerating 99% of my set like a civilized audience member.

Now there is a reason I generally do not engage hecklers.  I have no moderation.  I go from ignoring them to wanting to curb stomp them like in American History X.  But during this first interruption I kept my cool and actually recovered nicely for another 7 minute stretch of material and laughter.  I did throw in an “unlike Sam Morril (the comedian who was mired in a big blogosphere discussion on rape jokes last week), I am advocating violence against women” but we moved on.  I actually did a new bit about how I put on too much weight, so in a move that would make feminist bloggers proud I took the insults from Ms. Unfunny and turned them into an empowering statement about how I often eat cookies out of my own garbage can.

For a while I was feeling really good because I felt like I had moved on from a very awkward phase and was getting laughs. And then with exactly 2 minutes left in my set I went Neil in Heat.  What I mean by that is not that I started humping legs like a dog named Neil.  I am referring to the concluding scene in Heat where Robert DeNiro’s character has narrowly escaped trouble and is on the way to the airport with his girlfriend about to live his life free and rich, but at the last second he makes a pitstop near the airport to kill the man who betrayed him in the beginning of the film.  That decision changes everything and leads to his (spoiler of a 1995 film) death.  And that is what I did in the last 2 minutes.  Here is a sample of what I said:

“Who cares about rape jokes… I am wishing death on two people in this audience.”

“That Cleveland case was horrific, wasn’t it.  The silver lining is that that 6 year old will grow up to either be horrible in bed… or fantastic.”

Now those lines were meant to horrify.  The second line is along the lines of a well worked out bit I have (though it is not part of the bit), but I blurted out this clearly insensitive line just to elicit horror and oh boy, did it ever.  I do not do this ever and do not advocate shocking comedy for shock’s sake, but I wanted to rile up the people I was pissed at in the audience.  Here is the transcript:

(Silence)

Princess: I can’t even… that is disgusting…

Me:  I know it is. So are you. Fu*k you.

Random Irish Guy: No man – fu*k you – everything else was fine, but fuck that.

Princess: That was disgusting.

Me: I know, but this is not my Comedy Central taping (random chuckles).  Thank you for the time though Yannis.

Princess: Have some grace for that girl.

Me: Grace? You have been a rude cu*t this whole show.  You demand napkins at the bar like I’m an employee.  You’re cute and you have an iPhone that you have not stopped looking at the whole show, except to interrupt, but you are a piece of shit as a person so fu*k your grace comments…. Frank Gallo and Yannis Pappas than you for the time. Not sure if I picked up any Twitter followers tonight.

I then exited the stage and gave Princess a huge smile.  The Irish guy tapped me on the shoulder and said “You were hilarious but that one line was too much.” And he was right.

So after reviewing this I apologize for last night to the audience at Bar 4, even though I am really sad only because I reflected poorly on myself.  And I used valuable stage time to get into personal attacks instead of using it for working on other bits.  So my advice to comics is use stage time wisely, try not to be too mean if it is not necessary, don’t heckle other comics if you are a comedian (or atempting to be one), and if you see the woman known as Princess in this blog, don’t let her in to your show.

Don’t forget tickets to my new CD recording May 18th in NYC can be bought HERE – http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/367876

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!