Blog

Lebron, Roy and Tony: American Rorschach Test

The NBA Season is winding down, which is terrifying me.  To demonstrate how far apart baseball and I have grown over the years I now call the months between the end of NBA Season and the beginning of the NFL “tennis season.” #TeamNadal.  Even though my Utah Jazz did not even make the playoffs this NBA playoffs promised ample opportunities to be right and enjoy myself.  Here are the 4 main predictions/thoughts I had before the playoffs:

1) Lebron James is the best basketball player in the world and well on his way to GOAT status.

2) Why Can’t The Spurs Win The West – they keep winning 60 games and seem ageless?

3) The Knicks Cannot Win with Melo.  He is a second tier star that Knick fans think is a first tier star.

4) The Pacers are going to beat the Knicks in 6. They do not have the established “star” yet of Melo’s hype, but they are much better than the Knicks.

Well, not to start calling myself the Righteous Sports Guy, but four for four.  The Spurs are now in the Finals.  Sure Russell Westbrook’s injury helped, but the Spurs completely dismantled the Grizzlies, which I don’t think many people could have predicted (even me).  This makes me happy only because it has the potential to move Tim Duncan (2 regular season MVPs and 3 time Finals MVP) ahead of Kobe on the best player/best leader all time list (as much for Kobe as it is for Kobe fans who I do battle with).  The Knicks lost exactly how I believed they would, while Knick fans continue to say that “Melo needs more help” instead of saying “the Knicks need to build around a star who plays a complete game and makes teammates better.”  Good luck Knicks with the 6 seed and a first round exit in 2013-14.  Lebron is proving to be the most electrifying man in sports entertainment (sorry The Rock).  Lebron’s court intelligence, dominance of every aspect of the game, and freakish athleticism (only Lebron could make last night’s block of George Hill appear to be predictable and routine) have made Lebron my favorite thing to watch in sports that is not a Usain Bolt sprint.  I root for him because I want to keep watching him play basketball (and based on last night’s illegal screen foul call, I believe David Stern also wants to watch him play more) and because I like seeing his irrational haters more angry.

But before a Spurs-Heat Finals is official, the deep, disciplined and admirable Indiana Pacers remain in the way.  The Pacers appear to have the kind of team I wish the Jazz had.  They have a near-superstar Paul George (before the playoffs I said Paul George for Melo straight up would be a huge win for the Knicks, even just for this year and was called crazy), several very good players and most importantly, Roy Hibbert.  When Hibbert entered the NBA I was not a fan.  First off he went to Georgetown, a sworn enemy of mine ever since law school.  Second, his body and game resembled an evolutionary predecessor to NBA bust Hasheem Thabeet.  But then Hibbert did something.  He worked his ass off.  He is now arguably the second best center in the NBA behind a healthy Dwight Howard (but no one likes that guy anyway).  And he co-starred on a couple of episodes of Parks and Recreation.  How can you not like Roy Hibbert?

So now America is presented with three possible choices/leaders in the NBA Finals:  Lebron James, Roy Hibbert and Tony Parker.  Now I am squarely in James’ camp for reasons listed above.  However, Hibbert is a respectable and admirable choice.  But unless you are from San Antonio or Paris I cannot respect a choice of Tony Parker.

If you root for Lebron James you honor America’s tradition of greatness and exceptionalism (and ignore today’s current narcissism and jealousy of those clearly better than you)

If you root for Roy Hibbert you honor America’s tradition of hard work leading to success and defying expectations (though admittedly the expectations of a 7’2″ black man succeeding in the NBA are slightly higher than normal).

However if you root for Tony Parker (especially as some sad bitter struggle against Lebron) then you are supporting a man who fu*ked a teammate’s wife, cheated on his Hollywood actress wife and is based in a foreign country.  In other words, Tony Parker may be the best embodiment of America today!

So enjoy these last 6-10 NBA games of the season before tennis gets into full… swing!

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

Blog

The Bluth Family and Lebron: The Monday Weekend Recap

Normally my Monday blog is a recap of the gigs/comedic adventures that took place over the weekend, but I had no bookings (if you look at my June calendar you will see this is the theme for the month) so instead I waited patiently for the arrival of Season 4 of Arrested Development on Netflix.  The waiting began watching another modern classic, Lebron James, on Friday night.  Sadly, I missed much of the second half because I was traveling to Brooklyn to watch a friend’s band.   When I arrived at the bar I saw that James had been great as usual, but then I saw his miserable two turnovers in the last minute of the game that sealed the win for the Pacers.  My disappointment in James, which is really just sadness at seeing people so eager for a chance to crap on the greatest basketball player of all time (yes I said it – his game passes both statistical analysis and the eye test) and not appreciate the genius that is Lebron James, was only a foreshadowing to the disappointment I would feel watching the newest installment of the greatest television comedy of all time (yes I said it).

Arrested Development was recommended to me several times over the last decade. I finally watched the three original seasons on DVD a couple of years ago and thought it was the funniest show I had ever seen.  It was like Modern Family’s older, more talented brother who had no time for compassion and life lessons because he was too busy being hilarious.  Not one minute of Arrested Development was wasted and it was such a perfect melding of writing and acting talent that everyone on the show has since been basically typecast as their AD character because they were all so perfect.  And then Season 4 arrived.

I have watched the first 5 (of 15 episodes) and have been very disappointed.  I would not say they are bad, but they pale in comparison to the previous seasons.  The episodes are longer, with more filler and a weird structural format.  Right now I would say that season 4 is a C+ (whereas the show was an overall A+ before these episodes).

But the weekend was not all lost.  Lebron James engineered a thorough destruction of the Indiana Pacers Sunday night.  My hope is that the final ten episodes of Arrested Development can pull a similar turnaround.  That way, if Arrested Development gets great and Lebron wins a second title, the only disappointment left in June will be the thing least important to me – my comedy gig calendar.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

Blog

The Gripes of the Week

If you have a blog entitled Righteous Prick, there should be some complaints.  So here are a few of the things this week that brought me closer to an aneurysm:

The Fake Outrage Section

A story that was being circulated on social media about an 18 year old Florida woman who was sleeping with her 14 year old basketball teammate.  The 18 year old has been arrested and been charged with a variety of felony offenses and this of course has been deemed an attack on same sex couples.  However, the laws are gender neutral.  This would not have made many news outlets if it had been an 18 year old man and a 14 year old girl.  I am never one to claim that groups are seeking special rights when they are seeking basic and fundamental rights.  And if you want to claim that statutory rape laws need to be changed then that is a different conversation.  But an 18 year old being sexually active with a 14 year old could justifiably be a great concern to the parents to the younger woman, could it not?  Without it being some act of heinous prejudice?  In fact, not doing anything when the law is clearly stated and gender neutral would be discriminatory against same sex couples in the same predicament, would it not?  If you believe the laws of our society are too puritanical that is one argument, but to claim that this is some vile act of hate against same-sex couples seems stupid to me.  Even if the parents of the 14 year old have bigoted reasons for their concern the prosecutors should not take that into account if laws have been broken.  But keep waging your war on Facebook against everything that seems wrong from quickly read headlines.  After all, the Times reported that the 18 year old has received substantial on-line support.  Because that is what the Sixth Amendment guaranteed – Trial by Positive Tweets.  I am not saying i think she should go to jail. I am saying that many of you are stupid.

In anticipated fake outrage in the comedy world, apparently Jerry Lewis was asked who his favorite female comedians were and the 87 year old, who already said over a decade ago he did not find women funny, shockingly replied that he did not have any favorites (with some other antiquated notions of femininity)!  Now first off the very question is sort of baiting the response it got.  And without bashing Jerry Lewis, because I have no opinion one way or the other about the man, he raised a lot of money for children, entertained a lot of people and doesn’t think women are funny.  Is this a crime?  Do we really even care what he thinks?  Is he Jerry Sandusky or Jerry Lewis.  Lighten up.

Disappointing Movie Section

I was at the world premiere in NYC of Now You See Me, a movie about bank robbing magicians.  The movie was a star studded affair and full of women who looked like they were hoping to get pregnant by a Hollywood star that night (“that’s right ladies, 252,000 hits and counting… where are you going???”).  It stars Jessie Eisenberg, who is basically Michael Cera if Michael Cera became unbelievably arrogant after getting laid once.  Woody Harrelson gives the best performance in the movie and there are some very good scenes.  It started really well, evoking a sort of youth-infused Oceans 11, but then it became a mess and completely unbelievable to the point that the twist was obvious because it was the only trick the movie had left to play.  But most disappointing  was the fact that I walked right by Michael Caine outside and he did not recognize me.

The New York City Is Going to Get More Dangerous Section

There are a few worries of New Yorkers that are not as present in other cities.  One is a constant possibility of terrorism.  Slightly worse than that are the hundreds of thousands of women who text without looking where they are walking (men do it to, but it is like a 73%/27% split according to my unofficial statistical work).  But these two awful things are being joined by a third holy terror – city provided bikes.  The most arrogant and reckless people in New York City, after 24 year old drunk white girls, are people who ride bikes around the city.  Bike riders in the city are the reason you must look both ways when crossing a one way street because they do not obey traffic laws or directions.  And Mayor Bloomberg has given the city to them (for the record I love Bloomberg’s nanny state stuff because people are stupid, fat and unhealthy, but this is too far).  Lots of bike lanes showed up last year and now bike rentals arrive this weekend.  So say goodbye to your safety NYC – the bikers are about to take over the city.

Annoying Personal Projects

Just kidding, this week I dropped all sorts of hot sh*t on the Internet.  First was Alt Wolf, my new video which is around 1,000 views after 24 hours (just 88,000 of the pace of the Louis CK video, but slightly ahead of my average pre-Louis CK video pace):

But it has only generated a couple of negative comments.  Let’s get those up people!

Then there was this week’s Righteous Prick podcast (#72) which got a nice amount of listens.  Hear me debate and discuss the greats of Saturday Night Live here! Oh, if there is a gripe it is that I have been averaging close to 200 per show for the run, but I only have 37 followers.  Let’s get that to 50!  Seriously stop being di*ks and cu*ts and become followers.  The sh*t is free and funny.

And lastly, before you go waste your money on The Hangover 3, which it will be a profound waste of money, check out the review of the best movie of the Summer so far right here – Star Trek: Into Darkness (and then subscribe if you like movies):

Blog

Alt Wolf: The Best Comedy Video I’ve Ever Made

A little less than a month removed from the viral success of the Louis C.K. parody video I have done it again (I think)!  Alt Wolf is my new video and though it will not have the same reach as the CK video it is actually much better.  A lot of people worked hard on this so be sure to watch the credits if you need music, make-up or video editing work.   If you are a fan of comedy, alternative comedy, Bill Burr, or just want to see hipster culture brutally mocked then please enjoy this video.  Like the CK video, which got 82 shares on Facebook in 36 hours, the power to spread the video is with you.  Only you can prevent forest fires and J-L Cauvin obscurity.  So watch it, tweet it, like it and share it if you do enjoy it.  Thanks.  I will now begin the process of annoying everyone who liked the CK video to give this one a chance.  Now without further adieu here is… ALT WOLF!

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

Blog

In Two Days…

As if I needed another reason to root against the NY Knicks (besides the irritating Knick fan base and Melo and JR Smith’s bricklaying competition) tonight against the Indiana Pacers I now have one.  In two days I will be recording my new stand up comedy album at Stage 72 in NYC.  And the 9:00pm start time would go right up against the potential sixth game of the Knicks-Pacers series.  This is bad for multiple reasons.  One, it means the Knicks have won Game 5 and will have re-instilled an irrational belief in Knick fans that this is, once again, “their year.”  Two, it means I will not be able to see the Knicks last game of the season.  And three, people in NYC may be conflicted in deciding to watch an explosive 6’7″ guy who takes a lot of shots or Carmelo Anthony.  But my message to Knick fans is this: you can see your team disappoint you every April/May, but this will probably be my last album for a long time, if not ever so get tickets and come to the show.

Tickets can be bought here – http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/367876  Please spread the word and come out for it.  I promise you will not be disappointed.  I cannot say the same for watching the Knicks. If you need some convincing this week’s episode of my podcast was a selection of great tracks from my first three albums.  Enjoy!

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday! 

Blog

My SNL Mount Rushmore

At the risk of seeming redundant if Buzzfeed has already posted 17 versions of “23 SNL stars we cannot live without,” Bill Hader’s announced departure from Saturday Night Live made me ponder who my favorite SNL stars of all time are.  I wrote it on my Facebook page and all hell broke loose.  My criteria for choosing may explain why the four I have are the four I have, but it won’t appease all/most of you so feel free to leave your homophobic and questioning-my-mental-state type comments in the comments section.  I chose Eddie Murphy, Phil Hartman, Will Ferrell and Bill Hader.  I got a lot of heat for neglecting several names.  First their were the folks I call the conservative SNL fans – the ones that want an original member on – Bill Murray, John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd were the three names mentioned most often in that order.  Then there were the folks in my age range and a little older who wanted their pre-teen and teenage nostalgia represented with Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, Chris Farley and to one delusional, but well-meaning soul, Adam Sandler. And lastly there are the folks who clamor for Kristen Wiig or Gilda Radner, but I am not the Huffington Post Twitter recommendations!  Kristen Wiig is like the Carmelo Anthony of SNL – very talented, but took so many shots (Kristen Wiig was in 107% of SNL sketches in her final two seasons) that stats appear bigger than impact.  If I had to replace Hader (because to me he is admittedly the most tenuous selection of the four – only Bill Murray or Dana Carvey could take his place, but I stuck with Hader.  My criteria was simple (and has nothing to do with post/outside show successes):

  • Versatility – impressions and inventing new characters.
  • Stature on the show – were they a pillar of their era
  • Do I still laugh at them today?

Now admittedly this criteria will favor modern comic talent more, which is what makes Eddie Murphy even more amazing.  He very well might be #1 overall and emerged in the earlier phase of the show.   But this is what I picked so here it is:

Versatility – I don’t think anyone can dispute the versatility of the men I chose.  They did both iconic impressions, but also created many original characters/sketch ideas.  This is where someone like Dana Carvey would stand out and be right at the top of an all-time SNL list.  But this is only one category.

Stature on the show – each person was a big time player on the show and was undoubtedly the best on the show at the peak of their respective SNL careers.  But of course to some people on my Facebook comment stream ignoring the original pillars of Murray, Belushi, Aykroyd, etc. is sacrilegious.  Murray would be the only guy I would come close to replacing Hader with, but part of me feels like that would be me incorporating his terrific and long film career into the mix subconsciously (though Hyde Park on Hudson was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen).  But like versatility I need more than just one category dominance.

Do I still laugh at them today – yes for all four.  Though Bill Murray”s Lounge Singer act was something I still laugh at, the majority of early SNL just makes me smile.  I do love Dan Aykroyd’s shady toy seller character as much as anything that has been on, but those are isolated examples.  I find Murphy, Hartman, Ferrell and Hader to be great in just about everything they did and can laugh at a majority of their work right now.  I understand the show as a whole has been better than it is now (as well as more culturally relevant), but that should not penalize Hader who is absurdly gifted and will leave a huge whole in the show.  I understand there is a modern bias because humor on SNL has developed in large part thanks to the early efforts and development of sketch comedy on the show.   But Dana Carvey impressions and sketches do not make me laugh the way they once did (“Chopping Broccoli” is an exception) and a lot of the general early stuff doesn’t get me going anymore. Farley was hilarious, but I do not see him as having the body of work (in part because of tragedy) or versatility of the other guys on the list.  The guys on the list were alpha dogs during their time.  It is easier to be a 3 sketch supporting second tier guy, I imagine, than to be the guy who most of the writers are trying to write for.  Each of my selections was “the guy” at some point.  So Murphy, Hartman, Ferrell and Hader – congrats!

Of course if this was all sketch comedy I might put Jim Carrey’s work on In Living Color above them all.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

Blog

Comedy Recap of the Week: Heckled by 3 Women…

I did a show in Park Slope last night – a show that I usually have fun at and  always find interesting.  It is run by the very funny comedian/Twitter-philosopher Yannis Pappas and there was a sizeable crowd most of the night at the small bar.  I was scheduled to go last because they were kind enough to give me a little extra time as I prep for my CD recording.  I started the set so-so, but then got into my quick bit about Fun. and Lena Dunham.  It received good laughs from the crowd according to my recording of the show, but I lost three women in the crowd (separate women – they were not friends or sitting with each other).  When I compared Dunham’s body to a manatee, which I assumed would elicit anger from manatee fans, I was shocked to hear these three women express displeasure.  I moved on to a bit that did well (though I carried it for about 30 seconds too long) about subtle racism in pop music and then I made the mistake of asking the crowd,”Did I lose you guys after the Lena Dunham bit – is she the patron Saint of Brooklyn ( if you recall from one of last week’s posts – I got a similar reaction from some people at a different Brooklyn location)?”  And then the three women spoke up.  To introduce you to the cast of characters:

1) The unfunny woman trying comedy who bombed 20 minutes before I went on stage, a/k/a Ms. Unfunny.  This woman is trying to do comedy and apparently the first lesson she learned was to save her best quips for a comedian who follows her.  To put it this way, she was so bad the Huffington Post has put her on a list of women NOT to follow on Twitter.  Her set was bad, but her comment that I had the same physique as Dunham (considering I am in the worst shape of my life and a man I am not sure how that is defending Dunham, but so be it).  My response was to tell her “you are a suicide bomber comedian – you go into a room and not only destroy your own set, but ruin other comedians’ sets as well.  Congrats.”  I then told her she should quit and that her set would technically not count as a start in comedy anyway.

Now for anyone who thinks this is me complaining about an unfunny woman, I am not.  A person trying comedy for what appears to be the first time should know enough not to heckle another performer – especially for the sole reason that he mocked the creator of an HBO show.

2) The woman who demanded napkins from me several times during the show without a thank you or a please because apparently I am her employee AND she had lengthy, unwanted conversations with multiple comics during their sets when she interrupted her nonstop texting sessions, a/k/a Princess.   Her claim to fame at this point was that during the Dunham discussion she said, without taking credit, “Where’s the guy Yannis told to ‘waaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaa’ after a bad joke?”  She did not take credit for it once I focused on her, but we eventually had a heart to heart at the end of my set (foreshadowing).

3) A woman with a very tough, big-chick-escorting-JamieLannister-on-Game-Of-Thrones haircut also chimed in – but she doesn’t get a nickname because after she voiced very brief disapproval of my joke about Dunham she said nothing else to my memory.  So I guess thanks for respecting or at least tolerating 99% of my set like a civilized audience member.

Now there is a reason I generally do not engage hecklers.  I have no moderation.  I go from ignoring them to wanting to curb stomp them like in American History X.  But during this first interruption I kept my cool and actually recovered nicely for another 7 minute stretch of material and laughter.  I did throw in an “unlike Sam Morril (the comedian who was mired in a big blogosphere discussion on rape jokes last week), I am advocating violence against women” but we moved on.  I actually did a new bit about how I put on too much weight, so in a move that would make feminist bloggers proud I took the insults from Ms. Unfunny and turned them into an empowering statement about how I often eat cookies out of my own garbage can.

For a while I was feeling really good because I felt like I had moved on from a very awkward phase and was getting laughs. And then with exactly 2 minutes left in my set I went Neil in Heat.  What I mean by that is not that I started humping legs like a dog named Neil.  I am referring to the concluding scene in Heat where Robert DeNiro’s character has narrowly escaped trouble and is on the way to the airport with his girlfriend about to live his life free and rich, but at the last second he makes a pitstop near the airport to kill the man who betrayed him in the beginning of the film.  That decision changes everything and leads to his (spoiler of a 1995 film) death.  And that is what I did in the last 2 minutes.  Here is a sample of what I said:

“Who cares about rape jokes… I am wishing death on two people in this audience.”

“That Cleveland case was horrific, wasn’t it.  The silver lining is that that 6 year old will grow up to either be horrible in bed… or fantastic.”

Now those lines were meant to horrify.  The second line is along the lines of a well worked out bit I have (though it is not part of the bit), but I blurted out this clearly insensitive line just to elicit horror and oh boy, did it ever.  I do not do this ever and do not advocate shocking comedy for shock’s sake, but I wanted to rile up the people I was pissed at in the audience.  Here is the transcript:

(Silence)

Princess: I can’t even… that is disgusting…

Me:  I know it is. So are you. Fu*k you.

Random Irish Guy: No man – fu*k you – everything else was fine, but fuck that.

Princess: That was disgusting.

Me: I know, but this is not my Comedy Central taping (random chuckles).  Thank you for the time though Yannis.

Princess: Have some grace for that girl.

Me: Grace? You have been a rude cu*t this whole show.  You demand napkins at the bar like I’m an employee.  You’re cute and you have an iPhone that you have not stopped looking at the whole show, except to interrupt, but you are a piece of shit as a person so fu*k your grace comments…. Frank Gallo and Yannis Pappas than you for the time. Not sure if I picked up any Twitter followers tonight.

I then exited the stage and gave Princess a huge smile.  The Irish guy tapped me on the shoulder and said “You were hilarious but that one line was too much.” And he was right.

So after reviewing this I apologize for last night to the audience at Bar 4, even though I am really sad only because I reflected poorly on myself.  And I used valuable stage time to get into personal attacks instead of using it for working on other bits.  So my advice to comics is use stage time wisely, try not to be too mean if it is not necessary, don’t heckle other comics if you are a comedian (or atempting to be one), and if you see the woman known as Princess in this blog, don’t let her in to your show.

Don’t forget tickets to my new CD recording May 18th in NYC can be bought HERE – http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/367876

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

Blog

Good News Report

Nothing to expound on for today’s final blog of the week (Great Gatsby review tomorrow around lunchtime), so I thought I would update folks (who actively check the site and not just when I blast it on Twitter and Facebook) on some good happenings in my comedy world:1

1) I got called “brilliant” by well known comedian Jim Gaffigan on his recent recording of the You Made It Weird Podcast with Pete Holmes.  He was referring to my Louis CK impression and this blog that you are reading (not this specific entry, but the thing in general).  Now I have skills and am gaining respect.  All I need now is money.

2) I got picked to co-host a web show (6 episode commitment)  for Investigations Discovery, a division of Discovery (Shark Week people) about dumb crimes/criminals/etc.  Given my experience as a former Assistant DA and a comedian it was a natural fit.  Hopefully it does well, but if not I will at least get to pay a credit card bill off.

3)Filming what I hope will be next viral video, ALT WOLF, on Thursday May 16th in NYC.  It is the story of a struggling comedian (played by me) who becomes a success when he becomes a bearded hipster (also played by me) during a full moon.  A rivalry ensues with anti-nerd and brilliant comedian Bill Burr (played by me).  Should be up right before or right after Memorial Day weekend.

4) Last, but certainly not least – my new album is being recorded in NYC on May 18th at 9pm at Stage 72 (Triad Theater).  Tickets are only $10 and the cost of the ticket just goes to pay my audio and tech people.  See – I won’t even make money off of the recording so get tickets HERE and get your friends to buy as well.

This flood of decent news reminds me that I had told Josh Homer on an episode of my podcast last summer that I would extend my retirement date from comedy from my 34th birthday (which just passed) to the end of July.  As it turns out, these final months may be exactly what my career needed (or not).  It reminds me of my college basketball “career.”  It was 4 seasons of disappointment and frustration, bereft of highlights until the last minute of my career (literally) when I dunked on a dude and got an and 1 call.  Maybe these next few months just represent comedy’s version of that dunk, but hopefully the good stuff keeps coming and I can postpone the end of my comedy career.  Have a nice weekend.  And come see me next weekend.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

Blog

This Week’s Best Reasons to Quit Comedy

Every week represents a new wave of opportunities to want to quit comedy for so many people.  “Oh he has an hour special!” or “How the fu*k did she get on Late Night TV?” or “Why does my bank balance have a negative in front of it – does that mean the bank owes me money?”  Twitter is a constant stream of “93 retweets? You have to be kidding me!” and Facebook is an overflow of good comics spending too much time having to (or not having to really) defend themselves and bad comics claiming they are above having to defend themselves.  I saw a “comedian” drop what I will call crude statements about the Cleveland rescue in succession, basically daring someone to say “you are not funny” so he could start yelling from the mountaintops “I am a comedian and I go to places you are afraid of!”  And you just want to say in a calm and rational voice, “No – you are just not funny.  Now you are offensive, but just because some people who are funny are offensive, does not mean it is a causal relationship.  Funny can be offensive, but offensive does not mean funny.”  But instead I just debated unfriending the person for 5 minutes for constantly flooding my Timeline with bad comedy.  But because I am glutton for punishment I did not.  But this inspired me to give you my top reasons why you should quit comedy this week (possible recurring theme)

1) Because a middle aged dude minding his business in Cleveland is funnier off the cuff and is way more charismatic than you are.  There are a lot of unfunny human beings doing comedy and I like to imagine that Charles Ramsey, the hero from Cleveland, was probably a great up and coming comedian who did not test well with millennials or middle aged white people and was turned away from the industry.  The bad news is, with these metrics guiding stand up comedy, comedy may suffer, but the good news is the world may have a lot of very funny and toothless heroes in the coming decades.

Now of course if you want other reasons to be annoyed – the video has 125 dislikes as of this typing – can we not find these people and eliminate them from society?  A lot of people like the death penalty for murder.  Not me.  Those people are outliers who cannot be deterred usually.  Prison is enough to deter the normal person.  I am for the death penalty for things like littering.  Because the average asshole who litters with a garbage can near him or the guy who gives a dislike to a video like this is probably making everyday life worse for more people.

And just like good comedy, don’t skip to the two minute mark like half the assholes on the web encourage you too – see the story and enjoy the buildup to some classic comedy!

2) Because the web is constantly looking for villains to put on cyber trial.  This week there have already been two “controversies” regarding humor throughout my Internet circles.  One is the article today from Slate about the response to Charles Ramsey.  I cannot say I disagree with the general premise of the article, but I also think it ignores the fact that unlike some other situations, Charles Ramsey was actually a poised, confident and funny dude.  I appreciate sensitivity to issues like this, but I also think it is part of the Internet’s 100% rate of finding a villainous angle to things.  I am sure there are pockets of the population enjoying the Ramsey video for the wrong reasons – like if you are more obsessed with him saying ribs and “MacDonald’s”, than his great “Deeead Giveaway” tag line then you, to paraphrase Jeff Foxworthy, might be an asshole.

But the real story occupying many in the comedy world is the recent back and forth between a blogger and comedian Sam Morril.  Here is the blog that started all of it.  Sam wrote a fine response on Facebook and the blogger replied with this.  I think Sam is funny and all of the jokes she cited have made me laugh in person.  The only problem is that it is getting tiring and annoying to keep defending comedy.  If Sam was not good at comedy then I would have a problem with his jokes.  But they are funny and clearly intended as humor so the discussion ends there for me. But in a world where every slight and every incident and every thought has the potential to become viral or widespread this blow up is going to become the norm.  Every person who is offended or unamused or somewhere in between has a bullhorn known as the Internet.  And that would be reason enough to quit comedy this week, if not for number 3.

3) Because Comedians and the Internet always turn these issues into overly thoughtful circle jerks.  At some point between hours 12 and 36 of a “comedy controversy” it becomes an irritating circle jerk of thought and debate.  First comes the rallies to Sam’s defense, then come the attacks on the bloggers, then come the tweets and posts about “debate” and “respect” and “art” and then comes the congratulating each other even if on the opposite sides of this thorny “issue.” I actually saw two comedians have a semi-debate on Twitter and then have the equivalent of a social media hug it out and agree to disagree.  One day, philosophers and school children will ask, “Which came first, the blogger who took comedians too seriously or the comedians who took themselves too seriously and made themselves relevant to bloggers?”

4) Because a manager arranged and cancelled two meetings (one by simply not calling back).  OK this one was just for me, but a reminder that after a decade I still ain’t sh*t!

5) Because Funny or Die stole the Huffington post’s mojo and posted a list of funny women you should be following on Twitter.  The only possible good that might come out of this is if the pro women on Twitter HuffPo folks get into an East Coast-West Coast war with Funny or Die’s female tweet fans and then both go down in a hail of bullets.  See that is a murder joke, not  a rape joke.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes. New Every Tuesday!

Blog

Comedy Recap: Sacred Cow # 2

It has been a while since I walked audience members, but like donating blood or having a cheat day during a diet, sometimes it is good to purge or shock the system to initiate a healthy replenishment.  That is what happened Sunday night at a show at Beauty Bar in Brooklyn.  First off the show had a huge batch of homemade butterscotch chocolate chip cookies, which were fantastic, but I only had 4, stopping short of my usual cookie limit known as stomach pain.  I then went up after the host and could tell from the fedoras, glasses, beards and beauty salon theme to the bar that this was a hip place.  So with a belly full of cookie confidence I decided to inflame the ironic passions of the room.   Let me say this about the Brooklyn room – for about 30% of the patrons – they acted like I entered a different culture, ignorant of their customs, and should have read my Fodor’s Guide to Brooklyn, which would have informed me that Louis CK, and more importantly Lena Dunham, are holy figures.  For example, a person could be stoned or beheaded  if they drew a likeness of Lena Dunham in Brooklyn.  So because my digital recorder audio cannot be transferred to my computer I will recap the short set in writing, which will be known as “Brooklyn’s 9/11”:

“I had a viral video get 250,000 hits, but don’t worry I am still humble and will not forget where I came from.”

What was the video of?

“I did a parody of Louis CK.  My favorite comment was ‘I hope Louis CK takes a shit in your mouth’ which would probably be more original than the one note of his last 4 specials.  WHAT??? I went there. Who wants some? (clearly kidding around/trolling – hence laughter from the side of the room not taking itself too seriously)”

(multiple grumblings) I like Louis CK!

a few minutes later…

“I enjoy the band Fun. with a period, not to be confused with the band Fun with no punctuation, but I am bothered that one of their band members is dating Lena Dunham.  Who makes it big in music and then decides ‘hey now that I am rich and famous I want to bang that gross looking chick from Girls!?’  Dude, you could have fu*ked her if your band didn’t make it!  Like if you were still working in a cool coffee shop and quit music you could pull that.  But now, thanks to you, there are hot whores with nothing to do on a Friday night because the bass player for Fun. wants to bang a manatee.”

(Lots of grumbling).  Girls is great! (the good news at this point is that the third of the room that was talking stopped, but only to angrily listen to their hero get made fun of)

“Girls sort of sucks.  Every 4 or 5 episodes something interesting happens, but it is very overrated show.”

Girls is great! (about 7-10 people get up and start leaving)

“Oh I am sorry that I attacked your sacred cow!  And I did not mean to call Lena Dunham a cow; it’s just a convenient coincidence in the analogy… and look at the woman with her hand over her mouth like she just witnessed the second tower falling.  Oh my God  5/5 in Brooklyn never forget that time a mean man made some jokes about Lena Dunham.  Never forget. I hate all Dunhams – Lena and Jeff!”

I then did a bit about hating cats and left the stage.

I am a left of center thinker, but I am not as conformist as many people might think.  I am more socially conservative than many of my friends, but still believe in more liberal fiscal policies (known in America as “virtually unelectable.”  I am all for free speech in comedy and I never criticize comedians for taking chances and attacking things I like as long as the take is an attempt at originality and funny.  But it bothers me sometimes that the most liberal folks (check out the comments section on my Louis CK video for confirmation) can abandon their attitude when it comes to one of their heroes.  Trash religion, religious figures or any notion of conservatism on stage and you are cool with these people, but get at one of their new high priests or priestesses of authenticity and all bets are off.  Like their celebrities get a pass that others don’t.  And in fact, I would argue what made the CK video successful and made me enjoy the Dunham quips is the very fact that many of their fans treat them like the higher beings so many of them have written off.  So I am glad I pissed those folks off.  I feel like liberals are the new conservatives when it comes to entertainment.  And no this is not a defense for a bunch of d-bag comics to start dropping nig*er, cu*t and f*g on stage for the sake of saying it, while trying to cloak themselves in the overused defense of being just “too edgy” for liberals.  Comedy can have dignity and that is a good thing, but I am not sure anything should be sacred.  Especially celebrities that rose to fame challenging and defeating previously held assumptions and sacred cows.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes