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A Hater’s Valentine to The Real Husbands of Hollywood

Today is Valentine’s Day and I am currently feeling very amorous feelings.  Mainly because the Wednesday crowd at Helium bought over $100 of CDs and “Live Angry” wrist bands last night.  So headed into a big weekend at Helium positive vibes are flowing from my usually cynical and negative pen.  If you need to hear me trash Valentine’s Day then feel free to check out this week’s Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes or Podomatic.  But since I spend so much time trashing so much of the comedy business (rightfully and righteously so) I thought why not take a break to praise something (besides myself) in comedy that took me completely by surprise: The Real Husbands of Hollywood.

The show, on BET (not Bearded Entertainment Television – that is Comedy Central) stars Kevin Hart, the super successful comedian from Philadelphia who is having a monster last couple of years.  Full disclaimer, I don’t really enjoy Hart’s comedy.  I think it is heavy on friendly persona and tag lines and short on everything else (at 5’2″, dark, rich and friendly Kevin Hart will never be mistaken for me).  But who gives a sh*t – the man is making money and is at least not using instruments or puppets to make it.  Co-starring on the show are the loud comedian JB Smoove, actor Duane Martin, singer Robin Thicke, actor Boris Kodjoe and Mr. Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon.

Everyone on the show except Martin would give me reason to be annoyed or a hater.  JB Smoove generally annoys me with his loudness and buffoon-like black man portrayal on “white” shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm; Nick Cannon headlines comedy clubs (please correct me if he is a “real” comedian and I will stand corrected); Kodjoe is married to Nicole Parker who made me happy in Boogie Nights; and Robin Thicke is married to Paula Patton who almost made Tom Cruise’s brilliant sprinting in Mission Impossible 4 an afterthought.

If Vegas were making odds on me hating the show based on all that information they would be 1:100 odds.  Well, in one of the biggest upsets in entertainment history I enjoy the show.

The show is smart – a detail-oriented parody of the reality shows of VH1 and Bravo that plays with the conventions of the “genre” if we can call the Ebola virus of television programming a genre.  Confessionals get overheard by other characters, the editing and music are just slightly exaggerated versions of the genre’s standards and the characters even borrow a little bit of Modern Family/The Office/Parks and Recreation looks to the camera (but only sparingly since people are starting to get a little bored of that trend).

But what makes the show extra funny, to me at least, is that many of the guys poke fun at themselves in ways that people like me would hit them with.  Hart furthers his brand as likable by making himself the butt of most jokes.  He is no Jim Carrey when it comes to physical comedy, but he is still pretty damn good at it.  JB Smoove is toned down (slighlty) and all but defended himself on the show during a fight by claiming that he is on all sorts of white shows and that white people love his sh*t.  And Cannon, who is perceived as Mr. Carey, goes out of his way to be a power player and to be the foil to Hart.  Martin was mocked for never being able to be cast in a movie that did not involve basketball and Kodjoe was mocked as an unemployed pretty-boy.  This may seem like a simple formula – laugh at self-deprecating celebrities, but it is executed really well.  It feels like a silly guilty pleasure, which it is, but it is also very smartly crafted.

What is really shocking about this show to me though, is that it is not on Comedy Central.  Kevin Hart is the most successful comedian working right now and JB Smoove hosted Russel Simmons comedy show a few years ago on the network.  Was the show just pitched to BET or did Comedy Central reject it?  Or low ball Kevin Hart?  Just seems weird that a funny show, with popular comics would not make it onto the network.  But I guess black guys in their 30s and 40s do not really fit into any demographic that Comedy Central is trying to appeal to.  So do yourself a favor when you are done cutting yourself during an episode of Kroll Show (chuckled at the first episode, have not been able to finish an episode since) and check out Real Husbands of Hollywood On Demand.

Back to hating next week.

Blog

Comedy Monday

I am in the midst of a very busy time in my comedy “career,” which is fortunate because it means more time feeling good in front of crowds, more time working on different pieces of comedy content and less time dwelling on my barren calendar after March and pontificating on all things comedy.   So today I am sharing a few of these things and hoping you will share the stuff and enjoy.

1) The End of Racism – a new bit filmed at the Stand in NYC this weekend (great show, great club, but as you can see from the photo below – not enough ceiling.  This is a bit I have been working on for months and it will be on my next album (this Spring/Summer”):

2) Movie Review of the Week – Side Effects

Terrific movie. Greater movie review – please subscribe to the channel to be updated every time a new review goes up.

3) Two New Podcast Episodes:

I am co-hosting the Comedians at Law Podcast this week – check the episode HERE and share with comedy fans, news junkies, lawyers and law students please.

And of course my own podcast, the Righteous Prick Podcast.  There is a new episode this Tuesday (tomorrow), but last week’s episode was my most popular ever, with almost 1600 downloads!  So check out the podcast on Podomatic or on iTunes – both free.  And please please please give my podcast 5 stars on iTunes and/or become a follower on Podomatic.  All of this stuff is free, but to get more fans and more exposure (and in theory, some actual financial reward one day) I need some clicks and help also.  So I hope you will treat this like a monthly pledge drive for me, but instead of donations I guess just try to share and support some or all of m

And as promised here is the pic of me at The Stand:

Blog

All The Things You Don’t Want to Hear After…

Last night I was at Helium Comedy Club (with all due respect to all other clubs, Helium and the DC Improv are the two best places to do comedy – I have not been to all, but I have been to most) for a Comedians at Law show.  We had a decent crowd in number, but they were fantastic with the laughter.  Through 90 minutes and four comedians they were attentive, polite and full of laughter.  A comedian cannot ask for more than that out of a comedy club audience.  And if the evening had ended there I would have gotten on the late Amtrak back to NYC with an uncharacteristically smiley face.  But like a bad Sunday show at the end of a successful weekend on the road, comedy shows always find a way to find a way to end weirdly for me.  The way the ring in The Lord of the Rings wanted to make its way back to its evil creator, comedy shows want to find a way to get to my angry core.

After the show I went to sell my CDs outside of the showroom.  And here is a sample of what I heard – the good, the bad and the ugly:

  1. “Great show – you guys need a woman in the group,” (despite the fact that 25% of our lineup that night was female.
  2. “I really like your stuff.  And I am a lawyer and a comedian and I could really kill it.  Wherever you need me I can be there.”
  3. (my favorite) “That was pretty good?!”
  4. “How much are CDs?  We’ll take two.  Thank you. Great show.”
  5. “Did you really graduate from law school in 2004? But that would make you like 33, but you look 50.”

By way of background, Comedians at Law has been the most difficult thing I have ever embarked on in stand up comedy.  This is not to say that it has not reaped some benefits, but putting together a new business, marketing it to an untapped, but marginally interested market (law schools hosting comedy shows and comedy clubs showcasing lawyers are both NOT natural sells), managing occasional personality clashes and having two defections from the group that almost made me homicidal have all made it a very trying experience.  In short it is taking all the challenges of starting a business and combining those with all the inherent difficulties of advancing a stand-up comedy career.  So as much as certain comments can bother me after a regular show, the hubris or complete unawareness of some of the people that come to the Comedians at Law show make steam come out of my ears.

To the credit of the audience no one had specific suggestions for bits like they did in Atlanta a couple of weeks ago,  But guess which of the five comments I liked best?  If you guessed the one that seems appropriate from a nice fan then you guessed correctly.  The other four are easily dismissed.

  • (1) – Please do not compliment the show and then tell me what it needs, especially when it is completely irrelevant. If you cannot keep it to a compliment then, in the words of The Rock, know your role and shut your mouth.
  • (2) We put together this show from scratch.  If you were a comedian worth anything you would know a) how insulting what you said is and b) how much work we put into our project.  So therefore you are either rude or not worth performing with
  • (3) The word “pretty” does not belong in comedy, especially when you are giving a compliment about a set.  If you feel too insecure to give a full compliment (often men) then just leave the club and say nothing.
  • (5) I know one thing: I do not look 50.  If you are trying to mess with me after a show, don’t because I will dismantle you verbally.  If you are too dumb to judge age or know that you are being moronic then do not go out in public or do not speak when you are out in public.  This would not annoy me so much, but for the timing – it is after I just had a killer set pursuing my passion – so if you are going to ruin someone’s day go home and hang with your family.

But of course thank you to the two fans who treated me with kindness and respect and put a little cash in my pocket (as well as the couple of dozen people who came out and said “great show” or “nice show” and shook my hand).  This may sound arrogant, but as a comedian I am underpaid, underemployed and working my ass off.  All I ask is that fans respect what I do (or at least the fact that what I am pursuing is hard).  That does not mean compliment me or buy my CDs.  It just means if you like it – treat me with respect and if you did not – leave and feel free never to check my stuff again.  The fact is I am smarter than most people that come to my shows and better at comedy than all of them.  But I would demand that this courtesy be extended from the best comedians to the very shittiest comedians.

Now to some of you this post seems spot on, but to others I come off as an angry asshole.  Well, you are both right.  Let me give you an analogy for how frustrating what Albert Brooks called “complisults” on The Adam Carolla Show.  An ex of mine had a roommate, but my ex handled the cable bill among her roommate duties.  So one month there was an additional $4.95 on the bill for an On Demand movie.  Her dilemma was that she would seem petty to ask for the $5 for the movie, but felt the roommate was in the wrong for not presenting the money in the first place.  And this is how I feel about people giving these half-compliments/half-insulting or thoughtless remarks after a show.  They are giving me the cable bill with $5 that I am completely not responsible for.  So they might be a jerk or they might just be a little careless, but they are in the wrong.  But if you tell them, “Hey you owe me $4.95 for that movie,” or in my case “Please respect what I do and know that you know nothing about comedy or the business of comedy,” the asshole burden is immediately shifted.  So that is why I find it so frustrating – because we are desperate as comedians and as a business to maintain great relations with fans so we build our fan base we have to grin and eat their dumb comments and can never correct them or put them in their place because then the asshole burden is 100% shifted on to us.  “Ït’s only five bucks,” becomes “Hey, I liked your show – I just thought you could do this or that – what an asshole!”  See what I mean?

So to the people that continue to support me, spread the word about what I do and treat me with some respect – thank you.  To those of you that don’t like what I do – you are entitled to your opinion.  And to those of you that like my stuff, but are dumb enough or arrogant enough to try to mess with what I do – know your role and shut your mouth.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes.

Stand Up Comedy

Missing the Forest for the UCB Tree

If you are a comedian or friends with comedians on social media then you have probably read about the “controversy” involving the Upright Citizens Brigade (UCB).  By way of quick background, I believe the issue began when comedian Kurt Metzger commented on social media that the UCB was charging covers and not paying performers after he performed on a show at UCB.  As a result, the entire show he had been booked on was kicked out of the UCB (whereas the more reasonable or at least understandable approach might have been to not allow Metzger to perform at their venues).

In full disclosure I just started co-producing an already existing show at UCB East called Unmanageable.  In fuller disclosure I have been nothing on this blog (and on my podcast) if not willing to burn bridges in the furtherance of what I believe is in the good of the art and business of comedy.  So feel free to question my integrity given my unpaid dog in the fight, but I think it would be foolish to think I am kissing ass.

What followed in the wake of the UCB “controversy” was (and is) one of the most myopic and self-congratulatory discussions I have seen in ten years doing comedy.  I have spent considerable time on this site over the last 4 years writing about things I have observed first hand as problems with the business of comedy, on a national (or at least relatively large) scale, that I believe are hurting, or will hurt, the art of comedy.  However, in the last couple of years in New York (and from what I have been told, but cannot speak to, Los Angeles) has become centered around alternative rooms that provide a nurturing clubhouse of comedy.  The same comedians I used to see trashing new or weak comedians from the shadowy backs of comedy club basements are now the high priesthood of this alternative-dominant scene.  Although some of these comedians are talented and working their craft all over, many of their acolytes are just people whose comedy is crafted for and supported by a very specific and unique scene.  However these folks do not seem able to accept that with that nurturing, narrow environment comes some limitations. I really think that the UCB debate is truly a great example of losing the forest for the trees.  Allow me to pause the UCB discussion for a different problem in comedy.

Feature work, as Atlanta’s Punchline Comedy Club owner recently said on one of the podcasts I operate, is the Triple A (baseball, not automotive analogy) of comedy.  It is the best way to develop the next wave of headliners.  You work with headliners, you work different parts of the country and you get exposed to different crowds and different styles.  You become conditioned to work longer sets.  You are the bridge between the emcee and the headliner.  It is an integral part of both the comedy show and the comedy business.  But there is a real problem here.  Features are still being paid in 1988 money, and in some cases less.  I once had a discussion with a comedy club manager on the road and we talked about what a good feature should be paid and he said $1000 plus a room (travel is on the comic).  But what are comedians on the road being paid for feature work?  Usually around $600 with a room, most of the time.  When you factor in travel this is really not a livable wage, especially when most features are not working 40+ weeks a year.  But where is the outcry from the comedy community? It is no where because most comedians are concerned about their local clubhouse because that is where they have friends and support and have no idea what is happening outside of their own backyards.  Lots of the heroes of this scene are bypassing this middle stage of a comedy career because the business is currently enamored with this scene and elevating people to headliner status quickly (I am NOT saying undeservedly, so do not take quickly to be some comment of derision). So they report back to their admirers how great and wonderful comedy is and that bitterness and anger are not needed.  The priests have spoken; the followers cheer and the tortoise-like middle group struggles to improve their craft the old-fashioned way.

I spent three years working the Cleveland Improv as an emcee.  I was booked 3-4 weeks a year and despite featuring nationally at every other club I worked, I was not getting elevated.  The Cleveland Improv is a generally urban crowd (not meaning “black,” though that is the main demographic of the audience members, but stylistically the headliners are often those most known for BET and Def Jam appearances) and it took me a while to work those crowds.  But the club knew I was good so I kept getting booked to emcee (two weeks at a time which was a nice way to minimize travel hits) and I became better at working the crowds, until 2012 when I was really killing out of the emcee spot.  So then I was set to feature.  So thanks to the Cleveland Improv, although I was not always happy about it, I developed the skills to work urban rooms, honed emcee skills (you never know when you will need them) and developed a great relationship with a club and a small group of fans.  And then I got the word this month – the Cleveland Improv would not be booking their own features any more (they were one of the few that still independently booked features).  Instead the central booking office for many of the features of the Improvs and Funny Bones would take over.

I was passed to feature at the Improvs and Funny Bones in 2009 (after not being passed in 2007 – I agreed with both the 2007 and 2009 decisions).  I was and have been treated fairly by the chains (and the central booking office) and received complimentary messages after 2010 and 2011 when I started to get feature work.  And then in 2012 I received zero bookings.  I do not think there was any personal reason for this I just think that between headliners bringing their own features and more clubs using local talent (for hotel costs) the amount of work for independent features trying to work the road is drying up.   So now I look at the Cleveland Improv and realize one of the dozen or so A road clubs I’ve earned the hard way is no longer going to work me, at least not nearly with the consistency they had been.

This is only a theory on my part but as I see national clubs starting to charge ticket fees (because stand up was definitely missing a Ticketmaster feel), more and more of the feature booking taken out of the local hands and the consolidation of talent and clubs on Laughstub I feel like the national comedy scene is going to become more monolithic and closed to independent performers.  Could I be wrong?  Maybe, but when in our history has big business not passed on the opportunity to become bigger business without checks, balances and regulations?

But what’s that independent, alt rebels?  Alternative venues and other such things are giving comedians a chance to bypass the traditional gatekeepers?  Louis CK proved that right?  No he didn’t. CK spent decades working WITH the gatekeepers until he could become the one man corporation that he is today.  Clubs are still the gatekeepers for the vast majority of clubs.   So maybe we can all boycott clubs and bring them to their knees, but there is no alternative to creating sustainable, successful careers in stand up comedy outside of the clubs.  Please do not point to examples of people who used the clubs as their springboard.  And do not give me examples like Rob Delaney, who may have gained notoriety through Twitter, but is now working the clubs just like every other headliner.  So maybe in twenty years it will all be different, but I do not want my career and the careers of my peers to be martyred to a seismic change that may never occur, or to become a lost generation of headliners passed over because we were too young when we entered at the turn of the millennium and too old when Comedy Central and MTV decided that youth trumps all.  And if you want UCB to pay you accordingly then they will have to start charging more money and instead of an alt-scene darling you will have what many of you have been avoiding: another comedy regular comedy club.

This UCB debate to me is about a nice venue that charges low or no cover for their shows and no drink requirements for its customers.  They have made a business decision to sacrifice the level of talent they may attract for the chance of drawing larger audiences.  I am not sure why this is such a tragedy.  I am always looking for places to perform. Some open mics charge money.  This may suck, but if a bar wants to be compensated for use of the space where they pay rent then they are not villains for doing so.  Similarly, but to a greater extent, the UCB provides a very nice venue to work out material and expose your art to potential fans.  They do not pay performers, but they also ask very little of the audience.  It is a trade-off they made and I see no problem with it.  But that may be because of my experiences as a comedian.

I have travelled for a $400 gig on a $408 flight in the hopes of building a relationship with a club.  I luckily sold 17 CDs at $10 a pop to clear some kind of profit, but I did it to work my comedy and to enhance my career for the long haul.  I am working road gigs this year where I am not provided with rooms and in one case, am being paid well below the established market rate for feature work because I am working with quality headliners and hope to network and build a fan base.  These are the choices I am making and I do not blame anyone but myself for the choices.  But there are a lot of talented people who may not fit into the Comedy Central demographic who are trying to hone their skills in the trenches of road work and cannot afford to work for peanuts.  And they cannot compete against managers and a system that have chosen to squeeze the feature class for cost cutting.  And I believe THIS is a devastating problem for comedy.  Feature work was never going to make anyone rich, but now for many talented people it is not even a viable or available option, which is a shame because of how vital quality features are to the future of comedy.  Perhaps some comedy clubs are in trouble and really need to be careful, but there are many who treat comedians like the oil industry treats the Earth.  “Sure, the next 30-40 years of comedy depend on a thriving and well-honed feature class of comedians, but the next 5-10 years of my bottom line will be better if I scorch the earth and only use lesser local talent and/or crush the livelihood, or at least incentive, of features.”

So while I appreciate the sentiments of some of the people who complained about UCB, because no one likes to feel ripped off, I feel like complaining about the UCB in spite of what is really happening to working comedians is like asking who left the TV on while the rest of the house is on fire.  The UCB is providing a space for (local) people to perform in front of an audience that they cultivate through their marketing, the rent they pay and the cheap cover they charge.  I do not see a problem with that.  But outside the small world of alternative venues in NYC there is an entire country that is slowly, but surely, gutting the training grounds for tomorrow’s headliners. And that is something to be upset about.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on Podomatic or iTunes.

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Hipster Pancakes, Testicle Jokes & Jared from Subway –…

Last week I toured some of the South with members of Comedians at Law.  We never officially decided on a name for our Southern tour stops, but since we were visiting clubs in Nashville and Atlanta and Vanderbilt Law School I had thought that perhaps “Southern Places with Teeth Tour” would have been a solid choice.  I was closing the show at Zanies in Nashville on Wednesday, going up first after the emcee in Atlanta on Thursday and middling at Vanderbilt Law School on Friday.

Wednesday, after the smoothest flight I have ever been on, the three of us went to see Mama.  There were four of us in the theater.  Three comedians and a random guy who came into the theater and sat 4 seats away from me.  I know this pet peeve has been beaten into the ground, but seriously, why in a theater of 500+ seats would you have to sit within the top .5% seats away from me?  The movie had a good premise, was scary for about an hour and twenty minutes and then fell apart in the last twenty.  This is also known as JJ Abrams-ing something.

The show at Zanies was solid.  The green room was stocked with lots of delicious candies, at least before I arrived.  I ate so much candy my set list got diabetes.  The crowd was medium sized, both in quantity of people and waist-line measurements.  I had a very good set and sold a couple of CDs and a couple of “LiveANGRY” wristbands.  And the night ended with me getting a bed to myself in a two bed-three comedian situation (this was the case for two of the three nights, but when traveling with two Jews who have a combined weight of less than one massive gentile, getting the bed to yourself is a perk).

It should be noted that with two Jews and a man of (some) color driving around the South I thought “Mississippi Burning” would have been a decent name for our Southern Tour, but the other guys thought it too offensive.

The next day we headed to Atlanta for our gig at The Punchline.  We stopped in Chattanooga, TN for a late (1pm) breakfast and it was delicious.  Chattanooga, TN, as we would surmise from our two trips through the town, is basically the Williamsburg, Brooklyn of the South (they hate black people ironically).  In all seriousness it seems to be a growing town with a mix of Williamsburg and a generic college town.  The only disappointing thing about the place where we stopped, the Bluegrass Grill, was that they were out of biscuits.  We felt it was our obligation to eat some biscuits in the south and were denied.  That is like walking into a NYC steakhouse and being told they are out of rich, fat white men.

The Show at the Punchline went well, as far as I could tell.  But that is because I did my set, left to laughter and then went to IHOP on an immediate solo mission.  I was starving and the other two guys had already made their IHOP hatred known, so I knew a post-show trip was unlikely. I sat down in IHOP and ordered my usual (milkshake, sausages, pancakes and an extra large casket).  The food came and I ate happily until, towards the end of my meal, the waitress asked me something that only one other human had ever asked me:

“One of the guys wants to know if you are the guy from Subway?”

Sadly they did not mean Justin Tuck or Michael Phelps.  This mystery person meant Jared.  Fu*king Jared.  One other person has ever come up with that comparison.  There are certain factors that contribute to these rare instances:

  • I have to be wearing my glasses.
  • I have to have grown out my hair – no buzz cut
  • The person who makes this observation is incredibly stupid.
  • The person who makes this observation has nothing to live for.

So for only the second time in my life all four of these factors must have been satisfied.  So after two good shows in the South (which is now my personal record for most good consecutive shows in the South) I was immediately put in check by IHOP.  It is not enough that they kill me physically with a heart disease-diabetes 1-2 punch, but now they have brought the fight to my emotional doorstep.

But Atlanta was not quite done with their punishment.  I sold a couple of wristbands after the show, no CDs, but got a piece of incredible advice from a patron:

Patron: That was a really great set.  I  mean really great.

Me: Thanks so much. Glad you Enjoyed.

Patron: But if I can suggest one thing…

Me (internally): Fu*k.

Patron: When you do the Lance Armstrong thing, say “He didn’t have the ball…” you know… because he has one testicle.

Me: Ohhh, hahaha, ok ok.

My eyes: I will fu*king end you.

He liked my set a lot, but thought I could have used a little bit more nuance with an original take on Lance Armstrong’s one testicle.  Comedy rules!!!

The next day we left back for Nashville to perform at Vanderbilt Law School.  We stopped back in Chattanooga for lunch and went to another web-recommended spot called Aretha Frankenstein’s.  We were greeted by a short Indian woman in a knit hat and thick black glasses, a red-headed waitress with a short haircut and several neck tattoos and a cashier with a beard big enough to book him two Comedy Central specials.  The food was delicious, the biscuits (we got them!) were large and tasty and the food only took 50 minutes to prepare.    They literally took up our entire time difference in the Atlanta-Nashville time zone change with their hipster pancake tardiness.

The Vanderbilt Law show was awesome.  I have destroyed in my life, but this may have been a top ten performance by me.  And it was a good thing too, because just before the show I overheard a law student say (not recognizing me from my poster on campus), “This better be funny.” Right, because you are drinking a free beer at a comedy show that you have paid zero dollars for at your law school on a Friday evening, so if anyone is entitled to be demanding of excellence it is you.  I started my set by reminding the students that I went to a higher ranked law school and I now tell jokes and wear $50 New Balance sneakers so they should not feel too hopeful.  The show was really great though and I sold some more CDs afterwards.

And then I went back to the hotel to watch Bill Maher on HBO, to find out that that the La Quinta Inn we were staying at gets only Showtime.  That is like walking into a restaurant to find out they only serve Hunt’s Ketchup.  Other than sharing one hotel room with two other men, including one with IBS, this was the low point.  But like any comedy trip, no matter how good it always ends badly.  Either you are saying goodbye to a nice club, or being called a homely sandwich spokesman or someone is trying to insert hackery into your joke or you just sit on a bed watching Fox News for laughs because Bill Maher is not available.  But we made money, we made people laugh and did not get murdered and that is what I call a successful trip through the South.

Blog

Deadspin and How Men Became Dumb Chicks

Adam Carolla’s first, and incredibly hilarious book was called “In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks.”  Now some of you may have already stopped reading, since you may think you know how I am framing the story given the tip of the cap to Carolla.  But I am here to say that Carolla was wrong.  He should have titled the book, “In Five Years We’ll All Be Dumb Chicks.”  I am not as concerned as Carolla with the increasingly politically correct tone of our culture (though I am not completely numb to it either), as I am with how eager men have been to jump to (after a healthy dose of nudging towards) culture and news that previously had been the province of only the most empty-headed women.

First They Came for Our Barber Shops

I cannot remember the first time I saw Maxim Magazine, but I know it was sometime during college (the first issue was released in 1998).  I am sure some of my friends were reading it.  After all it featured hot women on the covers and when targeting late teen and early twenties males that is pretty much all you needed to sell magazines in the late 90s/early 00s.  But beneath that Trojan horse cover that made you want to buy Trojans was a more pernicious purpose.  It was not until the stacks of Maxim magazines began piling up in my barber shop that I shoved aside the NY Daily News and Rolling Stone magazines and decide to take a peak.  Of course there were airbrushed pictures of D-list starlets, but there were also lots of helpful tips on grooming, fitness, sex and other things if you wanted to become the ultimate date rapist (I think FX or Spike have optioned this as their next reality show).

So instead of reading the newspaper and discussing politics and family at the barber shop it became about learning new ways to wax your chest, smell like a sex trafficked slave working at Abercrombie and what drugs to buy to convince your girlfriend to have a threesome.  This may all seem normal to you now, but there used to be a day where only insecure and/or dumb women would read magazines that turned them into insecure narcissists.  But either some evil woman or brilliant marketer (or both)decided, “If our dummies cannot better themselves through harsh magazines whose only goal is to make women feel insecure and create a co-dependency with our magazine, then we will bring men down to that level.”  And so it began.

Then They Came for Our Colognes

In the last several years, manscaping, spanks for men, body washes, and an assortment of other things have made men the new insecure chicks.  Apparently we are no longer the confident, stable ones in the world (it’s been a solid 50,000 year run). We lack just as much confidence as any other subscriber to Cosmo.  And the only thing mroe dangerous to a culture than insecure women is insecure men (we are even better at that).  For God’s sake Lena Dunham is now our culture’s benchmark for confidence! I cannot even find a cologne that smells manly anymore.  I used to use a cologne called Polo Crest.  It had a scent that evoked wealth and oak-paneled steak houses and women loved it. Because it smelled like a man’s cologne.  I went to a department store recently to find a new scent, since Polo Crest has been discontinued, and every thing I smelled felt like I was 19 years old trying to get bottle service at a club that I was not allowed into.  I am not sure how exactly to describe the different scents I smelled, but they mostly just smelled fruity and sporty and immature (I feel like a sommelier right now – “This cologne is full bodied, but I’m picking up a hint of sexual assault”).  Admittedly I did not try every cologne in the store, but after spritzing several samples on my wrist I started to smell like a bouquet of douche bag.

And Then They Came for Our Sports

So once we allowed the Cosmo mentality to be combined with 19 year old douchebag taste there was no stopping the runaway train.  Eyebrows, chest hair, pubes – none were safe from it.  Every rapper who previously rapped about shoot outs and gang bangs were now doing hooks for female teen pop stars.  But then the Cosmo-Douche movement got sports in its cross hairs and nothing less than the battle for the soul of the American man began. And the American Man is losing.  Badly.

Now some women studies major or other person looking to flex their tolerance credentials may tell me that I have a somewhat primitive view of masculinity.  But whether its opening a jar of peanut butter, a door, a wallet at a restaurant or a can of whoop ass to a disrespectful dude (or mouthy woman) most women and bottoms would agree that having a man take the lead on some or all of those things is still one of the attractive components to men.  And that is why I think we need to save sports from the Cosmo-Douche movement.

The great thing about sports (I refer to men’s sports as “sports” and women’s sports as “what the?”) is that it is still an area where the primal nature of men is allowed.  Brains, braun, camaraderie and competition. All four of these things are involved in most sports and that is why people, and especially men, love them.  And that is why I always get annoyed when I see new Deadspin articles floating around on my Facebook or Twitter feed.

I think it was a few years ago when I first saw a Deadspin article on my Facebook feed.  I cannot remember which athlete’s penis it was discussing – perhaps Greg Oden’s or Brett Favre’s, but the bottom line was that Deadspin obviously observed a culture of sex tapes, Snoop Dogg rapping with Katy Perry and athletes wearing rimless glasses at post game conferences and thought “This is the time to finally make the Cosmo-Douche movement into the Cosmo-Douche-Sports alliance!”

Currently on Deadspin are articles about Lance Armstrong being “an asshole,” Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend (I understand the journalistic merit here) and comments Lena Dunham made about her weight.  This is the site that called itself  “the go-to source for athlete dong.”  Maybe I am an old fashioned heterosexual man, but if I want sports news I go to ESPN and if I want to be aroused I can watch porn (preferably with women involved) or hire an au pair, but I have never had the desire to look at athlete penis or find out what Lena Dunham has to say about her body (sidenote – why in a culture obsessed with getting kid’s healthy and stopping an obesity crisis are we praising Lena Dunham for making us all look at her manatee-like frame?). But obviously Deadspin is very successful, which means that the Cosmo-Douche movement has basically won.  Either we have crafted a culture of repressed gay guys who just want a snarky site full of athlete cock shots and updates on Girls or the culture now operates from the mindset of a sad reader of Cosmo as its baseline mentality.  But the reality is that men were simultaneously nudged and willingly jumped to this.  It is easier to indulge in the dumb and the salacious then in the real value of things.  But we are all dumb chicks now – smart women, smart men, dumb men – we all lost to the underdog with the under 90 IQ.  So let us repeat our new Cosmo-Douche mantra America: We all suck, we all need constant improvement and we are all looking ways to please our man or look at dick pics, so buy this magazine we are selling you nation of clueless losers.  But just don’t bully anyone because that is bad.

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Kevin Federline on Steroids Ruins Comedy Club New Year

Last night I was wrapping up a 5 day, nicely paying stint at Wise Guys Comedy Club in Syracuse, NY.  It was a very pleasant time, despite the cold and snowy weather.  The shows went well, the people bought some merchandise and I read and watched movies to my heart disease’s content throughout the week.  In other words, what was a very difficult comedy year, full of work, but only half full of pay and gigs, appeared to be ending on a high note.  The two shows went well – the 8pm show was by far the best of the week and although a little more subdued (odd timing), the 10pm went well also.  So what could go wrong?  I even made a very modest New Year’Resolution: Don’t see anyone get beat unconscious at a comedy club.  Set the bar low for myself to guarantee no disappointment in 2013…

One of the bartenders at Wise Guys has a tongue ring, a tremendous amount of tattoos and large breasts that she does not keep particularly well hidden.  Being that it was New Year’s Eve her significant other was in attendance and he was not hard to pick out (even if he had not been at the previous night’s late show). About 6’4″, 225 lbs, with lots of tattoos, two earrings and a face flush with alcohol – he looked like Kevin Federline if K-Fed were training with Barry Bonds in the frat-bro off season.  He came up to me and was very effusive in his praise for my comedy, let me know we shared mixed race heritage and then wanted to get into a discussion of penis size.  Considering the freezing weather and my general sense of decency I avoided discussion of dick and sneaked away with a friend to share a drink before New Year’s.  There are two other significant details that came into play now.

It was about 11 pm and although having a good time it was clear that the bartender was trying to stop her boyfriend from pulling out his penis at the bar.  Now I always enjoy a good “Who wants to sex Dikembe moment” like anyone else, but I could tell from the bartender’s reaction that this was not her boyfriend’s first “pulling dick out a bar” rodeo.   Instead of saying “What are you doing?” which would indicate confusion, she kept protesting “oh god, please don’t do that,” indicating that it was not her first “my boyfriend gets drunk and pulls out his dick” rodeo.

That coupled with the fact that K-Fed Canseco had another friend who went about 5’10” with tattoos and muscles and a clear Napoleon complex and I knew this night was in for trouble.  I told my friend “these guys go to bars looking to fight and they will probably fight tonight.” For the 5000th and last time of 2012, I was right.

Just after midnight, presumably angry at Carson Daly’s coverage of the ball dropping, K-Fed was in a stare down match with a guy who was wearing a sweater, going about 6’1″, 180 and standing with his girlfriend – clearly a guy who wants to throw down at a comedy club if I ever saw one.  Well K-Fed then gives the guy a very hard push which launched him into my table.  As Sweater guy gathered himself K-Fed, apparently offended that his push did not cause permanent damage went after the guy and started pummeling him.  People, except for K-Fed’s friend Napoleon Dynamite, were trying to break up the fight, but K-Fed would not be deterred.

When the parties were finally separated, the owner of Wise Guys politely asked K-Fed to “get the fuck out.”  K-Fed begrudgingly left while his soon-to-be unemployed girlfriend was left very upset.  However, Napoleon maintained anger that could only come from being an angry, muscular midget and he continued to menace Sweater guy, who looked remarkably composed and unscathed for being on the losing end of an MMA match 50 pounds out of his weight class.

I assumed everything was OK, but of course the buzz I had worked so hard on (I stored my drink tickets from the week so I could get silly drunk on NYE) was gone.  I am no fighter.  I usually try to break up fights because I don’t like seeing people get hurt, but more so, I hate seeing the shitty side of people exposed.  It just makes me feel uncomfortable.  And the look of those two guys were of guys who had insecurities, juiced up muscles and wanted to prove something to someone. So they went to a comedy club (not exactly Road House or where SAMCRO hangs out) and it was pre-ordained that they would either inappropriately comment about a girlfriend or bump into someone and feel offended.  I don’t mind fights when I feel like they emerge out of something genuine.  It does not mean I like them, but they don’t get me as upset.  Hell, two weeks ago I saw a male comic hit a charging female heckler in the face and that felt more justified than what happened at Wise Guys.  (No I am not endorsing either).

So how did this end?  Well K-Fed and Napoleon waited outside and when Sweater went outside (I am not sure why – perhaps to leave, perhaps to make an ill-advised attempt to defend his manhood) he was then pummelled into unconsciousness. According to staff members they were still punching him as he lay unconscious.  When I got outside, seeing that there were more developments, the two were already getting into their Jeep.  But the cops had been called and surrounded the car.  Sweater guy’s girlfriend was crying over his limp body, but then it appeared that he was regaining consciousness.

I then had to go ask the owner for my paycheck, which always is a good feeling – “I know you have to fire an employee, may be facing litigation and have had your New Year’s Eve ruined, but could you fork over the cash? I have to hit up Denny’s right now.”

So I wanted to start my year right, with a wallet full of loot and pride in a job well done to finish the year.  And that is how my year ended.  But my new year began with two meatheads shattering the peace and fun of a fu*king comedy club and probably putting a guy in the hospital.  A very inauspicious start to my 2013 comedy year.  I think William H Macy captures the feeling best in Boogie Nights.

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J-L’s Movie Awards for 2012

In the spirit of the best of I have been doing on my site this week, here is your one stop shop for movies in 2012.

I give the following honors/dishonors:

  • Most Surprising Movie
  • Most Disappointing Movie
  • Most Overrated Movies
  • Worst Movie
  • Best Performances
  • Favorite Movies of 2012

Enjoy, agree, disagree, watch kittens play in other YouTube videos.

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Top 13 Righteous Prick Blogs of 2012

As has been customary for the last few years I have made my (unpaid) bread and butter writing about the comedy business, my own career and the occasional rant about something else in our culture.  So for those of you that have not kept up or would like a convenient link to send to people to turn them on to the blog I present my Top 13 (I refuse to do a Top 10 because they are too popular) Blogs of 2012.  Also, if so inclined to show me support either become a fan of the Facebook Page and/or “like” my Huffington Post page where some of these appear. Thanks and enjoy:

1. The Death of Stand Up Comedy – My typical cheery, well-reasoned about the demise of stand up comedy.  I believe this was the most “liked” post on my website this year.

2. 10 Things in Stand Up Comedy that Should Be Retired – Let’s put it this way, Chris Rock shared it on his facebook page and Ralphie May argued against it. Not sure I need any more endorsements.

3. Adam Carolla’s Eddie Brill Moment – My defense (well-reasoned to those not highly emotional while reading) about why what Carolla said was a) not as bad as people thought and b) not what people claimed he said.

 

4. The Elephant in the Room at the Comedy Awards – During another coronation of Louis CK I make the case for the late, great Patrice O’Neal.

 

5. Dane Cook and Comedy’s New Politically Correct Police – My first beef with a celebrity began here with TJ Miller replying (quite respectfully to his credit) to my commentary about Dane Cook’s new vulgar voice on stage.

6. How to Get Along with a Struggling Comedian – Very popular on the Huffington Post with comedians and called “bitter and mean” by commenters who know nothing about comedy or comedians.

7. I Did Not Know That Memes Were The Future of Comedy – Suck it George Takei! (metaphorically)

8. Comedian Speaks at South Bronx High School Career Fair Despite Lacking a Career – I often write about road work, but this was a nice change of pace as I recapped speaking at a career day about my legal and comedy “careers.”

9. The Social Media Guide to Watching Breaking Bad – What year would be complete without some Walter White work?  Only read this one if you made it through Season 4 of BB.

 

10. Jeff Dunham Announces New Puppets for 2012 – My press release for one of comedy’s genius level talents.

11. To the Defense of “Girls” – It’s Not Its Fault – Premature hysteria over 4 white girls starring in a show demanded a response and even though many disagreed with me, they were mostly not right.  Like the Carolla blog – this was a thoroughly anaylitical breakdown of the show and only those with an emtoional stake in the show would see me as wrong.

12. Why I Am Rooting For Lebron James – Praise for the King and shame on the NY Knick fan base.

 

13. The Future of Comedy – A sarcastic look forward at the comedy and stand up comedy worlds.

So please share this whole post or individual posts you like and thanks for reading in 2012 and hopefully in 2013.

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11 Best Righteous Prick Episodes of 2012

Why would I conform to a top 10 list, when the whole point of my podcast’s first year was to be defiant and contrary to popular trends?  My first year of podcasting I received just over 10,000 downloads and listens and angered dozens of people.  The idea behind the podcast was not to be another comedian interviewing comedians on their own terms or about themselves, but to debate, challenge and attack things people enjoy.  I wanted it to be funny, but also an extension of my comedy, which I try to make thoughtful and at times combative.   One person told me this year that I treat comedy like a bloodsport and perhaps this is too extreme, but the participation trophy culture both in comedy and in America is the pendulum swinging too far in the opposite direction in my opinion. So I thank you for supporting my own weekly culture war. I hope you enjoyed and I hope you can help the podcast gain a bigger following (more likes, comments and followers on Podomatic, more subscribers and reviewers on iTunes).  This list should be a good place to start and share with friends.  Happy New Year.

TOP 11 RIGHTEOUS PRICK EPISODES OF 2012

1. The  Louis CK Episode with Josh Homer – The most downloaded episode of my podcast by a mile for good reason – for all the claims of me being a CK hater, Josh and I engage in a very deep discussion of comedy and whether CK is as great in product (and not just work ethic) as people think. (the intro audio is bad, but the main audio is perfect)

 

2. The Lebron James Episode with Eric-I, Brian McGuinness & Rachel Arbeit – I flipped the script and actually defended LeBron James from an onslaught of irrational haters.  A few weeks later, James’Finals MVP validated plenty of what I said.  And you can hear me actually lose my cool for once on the podcast.

3. The Fantasy Football Episode wth Andrew Schwartztol & Luke Younger – I trash fantasy football and it is fun for haters and lovers of the “sport.”

4. The Walking Dead Episode with Dan Soder – I sit and debate with one of NYC’s rising talents (I am categorized as one of NYC’s sinking talents) about a zombie show that is wildly popular, takes place in Atlanta and manages to have about 8% black people.

5. The Adam Carolla Debate Episode with Justin Williams & Katrin Heir – I defend the “Podfather” concerning comments he made about the relative humor of women.  Second most downloaded episode and me at my lawyerly/Carolla-y best.

6. The Porn Episode with Kevin Bartini & Justin Williams – One of the funniest discussions of the year on the podcast concerning the merits of porn.  Highlight: Organic Porn.

7. The Golf Episode with Ray Field – I have never been a golf fan, but I am a huge fan of this fun and light conversation with golf writer Ray Field.

8. The Key and Peele Episode with Josh Homer – a probing discussion of race and comedy about a hit show that should embarrass us all.

9. The Wine Episode with Janelle Carter – I drink wine when socially necessary, but the snobbery surrounding wine culture just comes off as sexual frustration, and i tell that to wine lover/blogger and law school classmate Janelle Carter.

10. The Marathon Episode with Deanna Culbreath – 2012 brought Sandy, which brought disdain for marathoners who wanted to still run the NYC marathon. Well I was 6 months ahead of the curve with this debate versus super-marathon runner Deanna Culbreath.

11. The Chicken Wing Episode with “The Ultimate Wingman” – I almost felt bad about destroying the chicken wing and its number one fan because he was such a nice guest.