The New JLC Album

I am proud to announce that Comedy Central has agreed to produce my next album!  It is a really tremendous honor and finally a sign that I have arrived in the comedy world!  I’m just kidding – those people are unaware of my existence.  Or if they are they hate me.  And if that is the case I say bring it.  You and  Mumford and Sons!  OK, now that I have that off my B-cup, man-titted chest I can share with you the actual announcement.  I am recording my new album in NYC on April 25th at The Stand (tentative agreement, assuming they don’t book anyone more famous that night, like a Hudson News clerk from Grand Central Station).  I have asked them to raise the ceiling 3.5 inches so that I can stand upright, but this may have to be the first album I record sitting down.  This will be my Extreme album.  Not because I go places no other comedian has gone, but because I will be sitting like Gary Cherone and that other dude in Extreme in the More Than Words Video.  But no instruments:

Once the details are all worked out I will let you know when you can buy tickets.  For a quick history of my albums:

Racial Chameleon – 2006.  An ambitious effort from a happy and relatively humble person.  Lots of impressions and light-hearted stories.  Well received by friends and a few fans and still gets radio play on Sirius XM.

This album got 5 mics from The Source

Diamond Maker – 2008 – If Racial Chameleon is my Ace Ventura, then Diamond Maker is The Cable Guy – a darker, much better effort that did not garner the same affection from people.  Still proud of the fact that I turned a failed engagement into a really strong final 30 minutes of the album.

Last known photograph of my muscle tone.

Too Big To Fail – 2012 – In keeping with the Jim Carrey analogy, this album was my Dumb and Dumber/Truman Show/Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – best thing I have done.  This album was offered for free and was downloaded over 1000 times (bought a couple hundred – thanks Mom) and gained me almost 10 new fans.  So do the math; if my new album is to get me to my goal of 1 million fans, then I will only have to sell 100,000,000 copies.

The album that made me a household name. In 13 households.

So I hope you will mark your calendar as seats will be limited.  I would like friends and fans there and here are my guidelines and enticements to come to the show:

  •  Married couples – get a babysitter for the night
  • Married friends/fans with a spouse and you cannot get a babysitter – force your spouse to stay with the kid(s) for an evening
  • Unmarried friends – consider this a test of friendship
  • Fans – if you are in the tri-state area get tickets. They won’t be expensive ($10-20)
  • Fans – if you are out of the tri-state area – half off ticket price if you spend $100 or more on travel, free if you spend $400 or more to come to the show, but then you scare me and please do not say hi after the show.
  • People who know me from Facebook, Twitter, Internet or my backyard MMA fights – you won’t regret coming to the show.  But why do we know each other on social media?

Well, that is the big announcement.  I know this will be my best album by far and hope you can make it and start to make plans. Also it is the day after my birthday so there’s another guilt trip.   And in keeping with the Jim Carrey analogy I guess this will be my Mr. Popper’s Penguins.  Sh*t.


Des Moines Journal: Bodily Reactions

So it has been a long road of recovery since the first moments of my time in Des Moines, when my life flashed before my eyes while at the Mecca of awful food, Arby’s.   So far four shows are down, with three to go before I retun to NYC.   And they have not disappointed.

Wednesday I was starting to get sick, which should not be a surprise since I traveled from NYC to Des Moines via 19 hour Amtrak ride to Chicago, followed by a 6 hour bus ride from Chicago to Des Moines.   Escaping that trip without some sort of illness would make me a David Dunn-level character, so it is good to know that I, like most human beings am susceptible to catching things from train cars full of barefoot, obese people trying to avoid TSA.

So my performance Wednesday was probably a B+.  The crowd seemed sort of entertained and I sold 1 CD, but I got to experience that awesome feeling every comedian loves – I stood by the door with my CDs and complimentary cards (with all my web info) on a table and the crowd largely rushed out like I was exposing my dick to a 2nd grade classroom.  This happens plenty of times and it never stops feeling awkward.  People I saw laughing their asses off basically turned into Usain Bolt when the passed the table at the end of the show.   Also, early week crowds tend to be free ticket-type crowds so they are just there to distract themselves and if you are not a famous person they have no interest in you, your CDs or your stupid cards.

Thursday was basically the same thing, but for two differences: I sold no CDs on Thursday and a male patron sh*t his pants.  I’d like to think this was due to my comedy, but apparently the customer simply drank himself into defecating.

Friday shows were interesting.  I sold 3 CDs on the first show, but I felt like the crowd largely hated my guts.  It might be my imagination, but the early crowd (730pm) made me feel like I was a jazz trio in the corner providing background for their dinner and drinks.  And for the first time during the week I got several people who felt like sharing their opinions during several jokes – right as I was about to deliver the punchline.  Also, I finally got an unsolicited “BOO” when I mentioned President Obama in a non-political joke.  After the show, an interracial couple (black guy, white woman) bought my CD/DVD and gave me a $20 (I charge $10) and told me to keep the change because they “appreciate what I do.”  I could not tell if they were doing that because they loved my comedy, if they feel a connection to me because they hope their kids turn out like me, or if they just felt bad for me for being a lawyer-turned-comedian, knowing that homeless crazy person is the next stop on my downward spiral of life.  Whatever the reason, thanks.

The second show Friday was fu*king awesome.  Probably one of the best sets I have ever had – it was a young crowd, but more importantly it felt like a real comedy crowd – the type of crowd that loves good comedy.  Before the show a guy was telling me he saw Rob Schneider and he sucked so he was looking forward to seeing the show because his experience coming to shows was that the less famous comedians tend to be better than the famous names the club brings in (meaning famous for non-stand up reasons).  And after my set, one of the people who bought the CDs said that he had seen Pauly Shore at the club and that he sucked.  It was good to see that in stand up comedy, which feels like it is dying the way of print journalism, there are still real comedy fans who are not just star- hungry goobers, but actually appreciate real stand up, even if it is coming from a no-name comedian.

After my set, before the headliner went up, an older woman who was at the show with her family came up to me and said “You are the best comedian I have ever seen at this club.  We all absolutely loved it!”  So I was feeling great and figured I’d sell well after.   I sold 6 CDs after the show and got to meet a lot of good comedy fans, but then something awful happened.  There was a woman crying and vomiting all over the bathroom – like Exorcist-style, minus the green coloring.  Here is the evidence, in case you are eating lunch or dinner right now:

And who was the person exploding in tears and puke?  The woman who told me I was the best comedian she had ever seen at the club.  Apparently, the party never ends for people in Des Moines, even 55 year-old women.  So I probably will no longer use her comment as a fan testimonial.  Probably not very reliable.  And no, she did not buy a CD.


Denver – The Sunshine State & The Economics Of…

Is quoting Old School out of style?

Tomorrow I fly out to Denver to feature for six shows at a mid-size club.  Despite the glamour you may infer from my frustrated rants about performing in different places, losing comedy competitions,  not getting booked enough and missing out on television opportunities I assure you, life as a comedian is no party.  As I prepare for Denver here is an anticipated breakdown of my sharecropping like experience as a feature comedian.

Pay for 6 shows – $400

Flight to Denver – Jet Blue – $330.00

Air Train round trip to JFK and back – $10

Gym Fees – $0 (fortunately there is a 24 Hour fitness less than 2 miles from the club – yet another reason for me to endorse this awesome gym)

Meals – $30/day (3.5 days)

Additional meals cost because I am a fu-king giant – $25/day

Cost of travelling to a Obamacare town hall meeting in Denver to assault old Republicans – $25

Number of CD/DVDs I must sell at $10 a piece to break even – 16

Chances of appearing at the club again without a bump into headlining for actual financial incentive – 0

Making people laugh for 6 shows – not priceless, but worth more than $400

If I have WiFi in the club-provided apartment then expect some updates on my trip.  Otherwise follow them on Facebook or Twitter.  Or go fu-k yourself.


Birmingham Part D

Last night was an interesting night at The Stardome.   It was a chatty crowd, which can often spell doom for a comedy show.  And for part of the show I felt doomed.  In a room of 425 patrons it takes a lot of people to make it feel like you are killing, but only a few chatty tables to ruin it.  But I got through the set and thought I did fairly well.  However I did not want to sell merchadise after the show.  I had a great set and crowd on Thursday and sold a big donut.

When you are trying to sell merchandise after a show and people are avoiding you you feel like an ugly prostitute: sacrificing your dignity and people still aren’t interested in what you are selling.  I think that is why I feel bad for some of the ugly whores on the HBO series Cathouse when they don’t get picked for a “party,”it’s like insult to injurious STDs.

So I was not going to sell CDs/DVDs during the headliner’s set some 15 year old kid came up to me and said, “You were really good.” And like Adrian saying to Rocky in Rocky II, “WIN!!!!!” I decided to swallow my pride and stand with some CD/DVDs.

One of the first people out said to me “That crowd was stupid and talked to much.  Everyone who paid attention thought you were great.”  That felt good, and then a miracle happened – I started selling stuff.  8 in total – not quite Platinum, but the most I’ve ever sold after a show (and bringing me 7 away from the magic number of 15 sold).  I also received several R-rated compliments, which made me feel less like a comedian and more like a man walking by an all-female construction crew (possible porn plot?).

So I am hoping tonight’s show is better, which at the rate this week has been going would mean bigger laughs, more CD/DVDs sold and probably autographing cleavage.  Woo hoo!


Welcome To My New Website

Just in time for the Holidays I present to you, my 17 fans, a new, highly upgraded website and the release of my new CD/DVD “Diamond Maker.”  I believe this day will be compared to the fall of the Berlin Wall, a transformative, world changing moment, except it has take place in the world of comedy.  Twenty years from now, Thomas Friedman will cite to December 17, 2008 as a major milestone when comedy changed in his book The World Is Funny. 

In all seriousness I am very proud of the great work of Steve Axworthy helping to put together my new site and to Michael Codispoti, Jim Vern, Chris Pelletier, Brett Anderson and Danny Rouhier who helped make Diamond Maker a great product.  Buy it for you, someone you love or someone you hate.   It will be reviewed soon in Punchline Magazine so look for that as well.

I will be back soon with more cynicism and sarcasm, but today I am happy.  Sort of.