Tonight I begin taking an acting class. I figure if I can expand my skill set beyond stand up and add acting to my entertainment resume I will double my chance of exposure and “making it” to 1 in 500,000. Getting into comedic acting seems to be like getting into SUV manufacturing in Detroit. Great dramas are not really being made either. The Sopranos, The Wire and The West Wing have given way Jay Leno’s Comedy Hour on NBC and the largest collection of stupid, unrealistic crime shows ever compiled known as CBS.
So, with the American people and television executives conspiring to produce cheap, thoughtless entertainment I asked the acting coach one question: Can You make Me A Reality Television Star?
She responded with many more questions for me:
Are you an abrasive black woman? No.
Are you a wealthy, bitchy white woman between the age of 16 and 54? No.
Can you sing? No.
Are you morbidly obese? Not yet.
Are you incredibly stupid? No.
Can you dance? Not really.
Can you cook? No.
Are you flamingly gay and good at knitting? No and no.
Are you in a terrible relationship and feel like doing a lot of travelling? Nope.
Are you poor and in need of a new home? Not yet.
Have you appeared in any sex videos or done anything to completely shame your family? Not to my knowledge.
Do you have a ton of kids and are willing to be a terrible and abusive parent by putting their lives in front of a camera for a voyeuristic and increasingly stupid American people? No and no.
Well then it looks like you better hope that stand up comedy works out for you.