Humor in the Bronx

An Inconvenient F–king Truth

Without new material comics eventually become boring. Just ask anyone who has heard me compare my appearance to the Rock and Adam Sandler. 87 times.

But I live in a vibrant area of New York City known as the Bronx. As Gary Gulman has eloquently put it, I gave you “the” and a noun and everyone is on board. Well I am not sure I can ever move out of the Bronx because like a Middle Eastern prince I am heavily reliant on its natural resources. But unlike the black gold that seeps from the deserts of our brothers across the globe, we do not have a tangible natural resource. Ours is not as rare, but it is so much more valuable because ours is a renewable resource. It does not make cars go, but it makes traffic jams more entertaining. It does not stop global warming, but it gives people something to express the heat they feel. It will not protect our young from a harsher environment, but it can easily spill from the mouth of a child. That’s right – our natural resource is foul language and as I walked back from my lunchtime constitutional from the post office I could see that the Boogie Down and my comedy career would have a supply for generations to come.

As I was walking back to work from the Post Office I saw a boy, about 13 years old, talking to a girl who was about 13 years old. When I saw the anger of the girl I anticipated that it was either over child support payments or American Idol. But I realized that this had to do with minding one’s own business.

Girl: Y’all yellow colored N-gg-s need to shut the f–k up.

Boy: I was just saying that I saw you in the park.

Girl: And y’all n-gg=-s better not be sayin’ sh-t to my brotha.

JL inner monologue: Stop snitchin’ is right. And can someone please address why the Latinos are co-opting the N word. I think it is a deplorable word, which makes me wonder, how did Latinos slide there way into using it – different blog, different time.

Boy: But I was just saying hi.

Girl: F–K that. That ain’t y’all business. I don’t care if I am fuc-ing him in the middle of the street. That ain’t y’all business.

JL inner monologue: Technically that would not be anyone’s business, but it would be a crime. I am not sure what section of the NYS Penal Law governs sex with 13 year olds in the middle of the Grand Concourse, but I am sure it carries a heavy penalty.

Boy (walking away): agggghh

Girl: BITCH!!!!

After witnessing this I had a few thoughts:

1) When is the wedding?

2) When will you two procreate?

3) Can someone please tell girl’s brother because based on her reaction to that possiblity I can only imagine what sort of reaction brother will have? Probably something like Tony Montana when he finds Steven Bauer sleeping with his sister – CUE THE HAUNTING SYNTHESIZER.

4) Wait a second – why aren’t you 2 in school?

So to those who would give dire predictions about foul language drying up in the next 50 years and who would say that New York will be a cozy, comfortable, polite place to live in I say to you, look at the gift of hope given to us by our children. Surely cursing and rude behavior need not be something we hear about or see on Deadwood (Season 3 this Sunday – YES). Each and everyone of us can learn from that little girl that creating an uninhabitable, crude environment is a responsibility each of us has to take personally. Fu-k may be a four letter word, but it is also a renewable resource.

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