The Jim Gaffigan Show: TV’s Funniest and Best Depiction…

With Veep‘s season over (please Silicon Valley people be quiet – SV is a very good comedy, but it is not in Veep‘s league), my binging of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt long over, no more OJ-themed TV shows on the horizon and Game of Thrones 10-500 months away from its seventh season, there was a major hole in my TV roster for great comedy and/or must-watch-TV.  However, those vacancies have been filled admirably and surprisingly by the 2nd season of The Jim Gaffigan Show, which to me, is the best and most satisfying depiction of stand up comedy that I have ever seen.

As far as depictions of stand up comedy (calm down Seinfeld people – that show featured a stand up comedian, but was famously a “show about nothing”) in my memory I can think of Louie, which before I gave up on it had glimpses of greatness (the episode featuring Dane Cook still stands out as the best one and his season 1 episode going to Birmingham was incredibly authentic and funny, and not just because I too got heckled at a large room in Birmingham) and Funny People – the bait and switch 4 hour movie by Judd Apatow that was “about stand up comedy,” but turned out to be another rom com that was too long that happened to have some scenes at stand up comedy clubs.  I may be forgetting other things, but for me that is irrelevant because TJGS has been brilliant in its humor this season and specifically in its simultaneous depiction and parodying of stand up comedy in 2016.

Season 1 of The Jim Gaffigan Show was very good, but it felt like more of a focus on the family and personal life of Gaffigan. It made me laugh and was a pleasant diversion from life, exactly what most would want from a 30 minute sitcom.  The cast was excellent, especially a longtime favorite of mine, Adam Goldberg, in what I think must be some sort of amalgamation of different comedians Gaffigan has been friends with (I always thought it might have been Greg Giraldo, but the character, Dave Marks, is too much of a quasi-loser, underground figure to be an exact parallel). At the end of season 1 I thought, “I hope that show gets renewed.” And it did.  And even though Gaffigan and Louis CK have different sensibilities and styles, I thought TJGS was more of what I hoped Louie would be. Instead, Louie morphed into a largely unfunny (to me) homage to Woody Allen movies.  Fortunately, season 2 of TJGS is not a Kubrick-esque exploration of art and family, but instead has turned into a brilliant depiction of stand up comedy that combines accuracy and parody seamlessly.

Whether the show found its voice more clearly, hired additional writers or if simply this was its natural progression, season 2 has been one of the 3 or 4 best comedies I have watched on TV all year (I would have to imagine ABC which, given Gaffigan’s clean and widespread appeal and well known family of 7, would have seemed to have been the ideal landing spot for TJGS. Instead it is on TV Land).  And the main reason to me is the brilliant direction the show has gone with stand up comedy in particular.  The last two episodes (pardon the recency bias) have mocked the alternative scene (“Union Hall is actually a mainstream alternative room”), the idea of road comedy (“I do theaters,  I don’t know if that makes me a ‘road comic'”), the obligations to your friends in comedy (“You gotta have your buddy open for you”), seeing your friends not help you out in comedy (“Oh THAT Q.E.D”) and portrayed the struggles of a non star comedian with tremendous humor and accuracy (“I might have to get a day job”).  What makes this more impressive is that Gaffigan’s actual career is far removed from the professional struggles he portrays.  That is either a credit to his mind and memory, a credit to the writing staff, or both.

There are literally too many moments from the last two episodes for me to recall all of the jokes that hit so well on truths in stand up comedy, but the tight rope of parodying something, while still accurately depicting it is really impressive.  Perhaps stand up in 2016 has already become a parody of itself and TJGS is merely reflecting it, but to anyone out there who wants to laugh and wants to see something that really and truly depicts the world of stand up comedy, set your DVR to The Jim Gaffigan Show.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free! And look for J-L’s new stand up album ISRAELI TORTOISE in August 2016.

My Dog Wants to Die… Here’s Why I Will…

Over the last few days Harambe, the majestic gorilla from the Cincinnati Zoo, has dominated the news cycle.  A beautiful animal in the prime of its life was sadly, but necessarily shot dead to save the life of a three year old child that had wandered into the gorilla’s enclosure.  The consensus is that the gorilla had every right to live and it is a tragedy that he is dead.  But the story of Harambe has made me think, what about animals that want to die?  Progressives in this country are always pushing animal rights and right to die laws for human beings, but who will speak up for animals that want to end their own lives?  I have to decided to take on this sure to be controversial idea to help my dog Cookie, who clearly wants to die, but is forced to continue living by a society obsessed with “doing the right thing” for dogs.  Cookie is a mixed breed dog about 1.5 years old and she just wants to end her life.

According to the journal Science, dogs think about suicide 48 times a day and try to end their lives at least once per week, whether it’s chewing down on toys until they become choking hazards or running into traffic or “curiously approaching” dangerous animals.  We have all added our own human spin on these behaviors, but they sometimes point to a clear desire to die.  That is where Cookie’s story begins.

Cookie was found abandoned in a Kentucky trailer park, presumably giving up hope for the coal industry’s comeback that Donald Trump is promising.  She was malnourished and full of mange. She was sent to a shelter with a high kill rate, but unfortunately for Cookie, her various breeds of dogs, none of which were Labrador or Golden Retriever made her look like a mixed breed golden lab puppy.  So instead of being able to leave this cruel world her “golden privilege” led her to be saved by a Golden Retriever rescue organization.  Less than 2 months later she was sent on a 14 hour van ride to NYC, which she has morbidly referred to as “The Middle Passage,” for her new life with me.

This is how Cookie greeted me in January. I thought she was "cute" but according to scientists, this look actually means "life is pain."

While in New York the hints came quickly and often.  Constant urination in my apartment. She might as well have been Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator screaming “Kill Me!!!!  Do it!!!! I’m heeeyaaaaaagghh!”  But instead I selfishly sought advice on how to condition her behavior and the urination basically stopped.

I began to take Cookie to the local dog park. At first she humored me by playing with other dogs and running around for exercise.  She even developed some solid muscle tone, but eventually she began to get bullied by other dogs and would often just retreat into a corner with a scared look on her face.  Most people just “awwww”ed at her, but i started to realize what she was actually saying to me: “Please Kill Me.”

Cookie's lack of will to live led her to interrupt fu*k sessions at the dog park to disastrous results
Cookie in her suicide corner at the dog park

I didn’t want to believe at first, but then her messages became clearer. Her Thunder Jacket did nothing.  Her face during bath time said “drown me” and all she would do was lie around all day, every day, often ignoring her toys.  Then there was the day I caught her trying to choke herself to death by chewing on a tennis ball. I felt like Clint Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby at this point.

Cookie attempting to asphyxiate herself.

Then I woke up earlier this week and realized, what is more progressive and respectful of the wishes of an animal than to respect its wish to end its life respectfully?  The messages have been clear and it would be selfish and cruel of me not to respect them.  Just this morning I saw her chewing her own paw, and she often chases her own tail, as if to say, “If these humans won’t do it I will have to hunt myself down.”  I am done fighting to preserve society’s old fashioned rules of who gets to decide when a dog should live or die.  I stand up today for Cookie’s right to end it all.  No more NYC traffic. No more cruel dogs at the dog park. No more treats and toys as opiates for the pain of a life not worth living anymore.  As tragic as the death of Harambe was, I think the only thing worse would be letting an animal live that clearly wants to die.  Donations for Cookie’s memorial service can be sent to jlstore@jlcauvin.com on paypal.  Seeking to raise $10,000 to both honor her struggle and raise awareness for other animals who want to die with dignity.  #DignifiedDeathForCookie on Twitter

Cookie practicing self-mutilation. A real cry for help that cannot be ignored.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

The GOP Hates Hillary Clinton More Than They Love…

My favorite thing about the hysteria in the GOP is how their Trump-phobia still cannot bring them to say that they would vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump.  This completes the Modern GOP establishment’s complete unmasking.  The first part was the rise of Trump – a candidate who fan base was conceived during Richard Nixon’s “Silent Majority,” went through puberty during Ronald Reagan’s renaissance of “States’ Rights” and finished maturing during the George W. Bush’s complete embrace of the religious right  begun during Reagan’s presidency.  Now, the candidate, accurately described by many columnists as the GOP’s Frankenstein, is leading the charge of those constituencies (religious people tired of being lied to – they will accept a non-religious guy who promises them real world results rather than the Kingdom of Heaven, angry white people tired of “others” being given priority in school, work or news cycles, and scared people terrified of foreign others who want a strong man to be their bully) that have been used by the GOP for votes, but rarely given results for their loyalty.

The hilariousness of the establishment GOP’s response to Trump has been to say first, that “he doesn’t represent the Republican party.” Really? First off he has consistently polled between 30 and 45% of GOP voters, which is why I dubbed them the “Angry Plurality” on my podcast.  So statistically he seems to represent the party more than anyone else right now.  Second, from demonizing the Civil Rights movement in the 60s, embracing the “States’ Rights” dog whistle in the 80s, demonizing gay people as a wedge issue promising a Constitutional Amendment in the 2000s and then embracing the “Birther” movement (or not disavowing it) amplified by Trump in the 2010s while calling Obama a socialist (a painfully obvious proxy for the N word) and a liar during the State of the Union, the GOP has done everything but put a crown on Donald Trump’s head, Trump is the rightful heir to this half century legacy of using or manipulating code words, wedge issues and racism.

And yet, despite branding Donald Trump all four horseman of the Apocalypse, the party that claims to love America almost as much as they love unborn babies and fossil fuels, it seems no GOP people can bring themselves to say they would vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump. One candidate, according to GOP establishment figures, would make America somewhere between a pile of nuclear ash and a global joke (but a joke like an Adam Sandler film post 1999 – intended to be funny, but really just sad and wasteful when thought about). The other is a centrist Democrat, with 25 years of executive and legislative experience on domestic and foreign issues who would appoint 1-3 left of center Supreme Court justices.  And this brings me to the second unmasked truth about the modern GOP: they hate Hillary Clinton more than they “love America.”

I have heard Trump get called “uniquely unprepared to be president,” “un-presidential,” a “terrible person,” “weak on policy” and generally “dangerous.” And this is just by Republican talking heads and establishment figures. So naturally for a party that “doesn’t stand for what Donald Trump represents” and cares about “Country First,” voting for Hillary Clinton would be a no-brainer right, if only to point out how truly dangerous the GOP really believes Trump is?  She has been Secretary of State, worked closely with 2 presidents, was a Senator, is well respected by most colleagues (at least for her work ethic, if not ideologically) and is well versed in policy, both domestic and foreign. Certainly that is a better option than a man whose policy speeches resemble the writings of Jack Nicholson in The Shining (but with “All Work and No Play Make Jack a Dull Boy” replaced with “Make America Great Again”)?

Nope.

So congrats GOP, not only have your half century of lies and reliance on base elements of our national consciousness been exposed, but now your patriotism has also been revealed as hollow.  So if Donald Trump, a carnival barker/pied piper of angry racists and “the poorly educated. I love the poorly educated” ever steps in the White House you can enjoy your view of the Apocalypse with the comfort that your real priorities are protected:

3) No Trump Presidency

2) Safe, Secure and Respected America

1) No Hillary Clinton

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

Comedy Central Announces 2016 Roster for The Half Hour

I am happy to announce that after years of blogging about stand up comedy from an insider’s perspective I have my first major, confirmed scoop – Comedy Central will announce their roster of 16 new choices for their stand up series, The Half Hour, in the next month, but I have obtained the list of the chosen comedians this weekend!  Before giving you the specific choices (congrats to all those who have been selected) here is the demographic breakdown: average age 29 years old, average gender: cis male with hipster sensitivities and average beard length: George Clooney when not filming a movie. So without further adieu, please read up and offer congrats to 2016’s choices (who will now realize that they have at least 400 people who consider them close friends):

3 Women – With 2016 being the 5th consecutive year of “the year of women in comedy” it is refreshing that Comedy Central has bumped up their usual number of half hour specials from 2 to 3.  One woman will be a woman of color, one will be an attractive white woman who shares tales of her sexual adventures and one will be a “regular” white girl who hates Tinder and generally hates societal judgment.

4 Bearded White Men – Despite recognizing the importance of reaching the key youthful demographic of sperm, the industry still has a soft spot for the residual effect of Zach Galifianakis blowing up in The Hangover 7 years ago. Beards became all the rage back then and their presence is still with us in the comedy industry’s tastes, as evidenced by 4 bearded white men chosen for this year’s slate (3 awkward, alt personalities and one guy who is a mainstream comedian who just happens to have a beard).

3 Veteran Comedians – These are the spots for skilled comedians with over a decade of experience in stand up (one of who will most likely be recording his or her 2nd Comedy Central Half Hour).  These are nice token gestures by the producers to show that occasionally old people over 28 need to be represented in stand up, even if that forces Comedy Central to commit the sin of including comedians born during or before Reagan’s presidency (who?).

1 D-list celebrity – I won’t name names here, but there is a comedic actor with almost 18 months of stand up experience and over 30,000 Twitter followers who is likely to drop hot fire in a Half Hour this summer (despite his agent trying to strong arm for an hour, known in the industry as “The Donald Glover Deal”).  There is a rumor, however, that this spot may actually be given to a Vine/Instagram celebrity (TBD).

2 Non Threatening Male Comedians of Color – 1 black guy who is a nerd and/or hipster and for the other male POC spot an Asian, a Latino and a Black guy will choose straws on Feb 26th (so specific name TBD).

7 Comedians with 1 Conan Appearance Each – As the only real showcase for stand up on a consistent basis in the late night sphere this may seem like easy picking, but with only 7 chosen, that still leaves 411 1-time Conan appearance comics without a Half Hour.

There is some overlap if you add up the list, but if you think that is a mistake you are wrong and you have the problem – ARE YOU SUGGESTING A WOMAN OF COLOR COULD NOT ALSO BE A GUEST ON CONAN OR THAT A VETERAN COMEDIAN COULDN’T ALSO HAVE A BEARD????? There is overlap here, but this list is confirmed so offer congrats to the comedians and managers who made some dreams come true in 2016.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

The Origin Story of Cookie Cauvin

It is the beginning of a new year so it is a time for people to claim that they will attack 2016 with a new fervor and sense of purpose (they won’t) or to self-aggrandize through reflections on all they learned and grew from in the previous year (they didn’t).  I have opted for a different approach.  Rather than focus on myself I opted to adopt a dog. #Hero.  Her name is Cookie and she, to the best guesses of dog people, is half golden retriever, half beagle (sort of like the canine equivalent of Kathy Moriarty and Robert DeNiro’s marriage in Raging Bull).  I began my adoption process in earnest in the Summer of 2015, when I realized doing legal work from home AND having a comedy arc with less promise than Stephen Hawking’s MMA career provided me with a lot of free time that I could give to a dog in need.  I expressed interest in some dogs (always small – my building has a weight limit on dogs, usually pure breed golden retrievers and cis female (they are usually calmer than cis male dogs and call me old fashioned, but I didn’t want a trans female dog) – the organization Adopt A Golden – Knoxville – specializes in golden retriever rescue), but never was matched up because of high demand (and most people had large yards, kids, hope, etc. so they got preference for a lot of the dogs).

Sidebar – I never even realized golden retrievers needed rescuing – I thought they were like the busty blonds of the dog world – when was the last time you saw a chick that looked like Anna Nicole Smith or Pamela Anderson homeless?  I thought it worked that way with dogs too.  Apparently not.  There are several golden retriever rescue operations, though because goldens are the best dogs in the world – there is a lot of demand from people who want to tell you they rescued a dog.  Let me be clear – I didn’t rescue sh*t. I adopted.  #HonestHero

OK – so after missing out on a couple of dogs I started to get discouraged.  Then in mid Fall the organization got a group of golden retrievers from Turkey (I wrote jokes about this and then a month later CNN actually ran a story about how in Turkey Goldens were a status symbol, but then when people found out that puppies don’t stay that way they began abandoning them,  So I saw some of those goldens, but also a small mixed golden named Olivia.  She was not a Turkey dog, but rather, she was found abandoned in a Kentucky trailer park starving and scavenging for food. She had mange, a bad skin condition, and also was working as a stripper at a full nude club… on the day shift.  In other words, Olivia was living a very rough life.  But clearly she had a resilient spirit because she survived. However, she was sent to a shelter in Kentucky with a high kill rate (Southern states love the death penalty for all species). Hearing about this, Olivia was sent to Adopt a Golden – Knoxville who took her in to avoid her going from the pole to the electric chair.  They got her healthy of her skin issues, fed her good food and then got her into a foster home where she became a very sweet dog that liked to play with toys.  I expressed interest in Olivia and I think because I am mixed race, the people in Knoxville said (in Southern sheriff voice from the 1950s): “Pure bred goldens are for the WHHHHHHHITE Man. Give this mixed bred pup to the product of an unhhhhholy miscegenation!!!”  Or they just thought I would be a nice pairing with her.

So in mid December I got the word that I would be given Olivia, but I declared in a Roots like statement – “Her name is Cookie!”  She was then spayed and had to spend another 11 days recovering in Tennessee (or just wanting word to get to NYC that she could now raw dog consequence free – come on – a cute trailer park Southern chick? You know she is DTF until I get her back to a normal life #FatherFigure).

So on January 1st I drove with my girlfriend to Spring Valley, NY to pick up Cookie in a strip mall where an organization, Pooches on the Move, shuttles adopted dogs up North to waiting families.  It is like if Jeff Daniels from Dumb and Dumber ran the Underground Railroad. We arrived early, got some Burger King (“new me, new body” lasted 21 hours in 2016), and then waited in the parking lot (it felt more like I was waiting for a meeting with Waingro in Heat, than for a dog).  Then a large van approached at 10:20 pm and numerous people emerged from cars in this parking lot.  We all made our way over and, yes it was the van!  Now Olivia (YOUR NAME IS COOKIE!) was on the van for approximately 14 hours so when she came out she was excited, freaked out… and went to the wrong couple.  Yes, the woman in the van walked her over to the wrong people and they had a look like “we didn’t order this” so I asked one of the van women “Is that Olivia (YOUR NAME IS COOKIE – *whip*)?” And she said yes.  So already I missed that initial moment of joy of greeting Olivia (YOUR NAME IS COOKIE *whip* (tears)). Just proving she was a woman of ill repute from the south, thirsty for anyone to pet her.  Well, I took her leash anyway because I am a good man (like when Smith Jared hugged Samantha in Sex and the City, even after she had just gotten plowed by Richard the Gap-Toothed Hotel guy, while Smith was at the hotel waiting for her) and I jogged her around the strip mall before getting her into the back seat of the car.

So far she has sh*t twice inside my apartment, but she is on a 2 sh*ts in a row outside streak, which I hope will continue until one of us dies (I have Cookie in my apartment death pool, which may explain why she keeps telling me to eat more cookies), although she has yet to piss outside.  And a quick note to the makers of wee wee pads – either they aren’t “super absorbent” or my dog urinates the same stuff that dripped from the Alien’s mouth in Alien.  As expected she has nothing but happiness for my girlfriend and mixed feelings for me (I told her, I don’t care how they got down in Kentucky trailer parks, but she can’t get on or in my bed).  She is also terrified of fire engines to the point that this morning (Sunday – Jan 3) she forced her way out of her leash and sprinted one full avenue faster than I could ever run, even in college when I was playing basketball (I have since adjusted her leash to”Almost Eric Garner” level). The good news is that she ran right to my door and waited for the doorman to let her in.  The bad news is that she is fu*king crazy.  Maybe in Kentucky fire departments shoot dogs of color and she doesn’t want to be about that life.  Silver lining she is the fastest and strongest 40 lbs dog I have ever met – so if Petco offers doggy cross fit classes please let me know. At least if she reforms her whorish ways with exercise she won’t turn into one of those enlightened “spiritual” chicks.

Oh well, here is to the birth of a new friendship, new levels of stress and happiness and me having to say no to the 1.8 road gigs I am on pace to get this year.  Here is a pictorial history of Cookie in case you are illiterate and don’t enjoy reading the best comedy writing since Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain.

Cookie when she was moved to AGK. Her coat was nasty as hell
Patchy and terrified is how she looked when arriving in Tennessee
After some eating and medical attention she started to look a little better and cuter
After weeks in foster care (and getting spayed) she was starting to look very healthy

 

This is Cookie in the car leaving with us. Hey – why the terrified look again??!!

 

And this is Cookie on her bed in her new home. God help us all.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

Why We Should Treat the Girl Scouts Like Old…

Yesterday I went to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and it was every bit as awesome as I hoped.  As if blessed by the comedy gods I ended up lining up in an aisle seat (about a 1 in 20 chance) so I could stretch my Wounded Knees (my Native American name and condition) and had a great time.  The band was great (though seeing the tambourine player break his tambourine because he was “feeling the pretentious musical spirit” too much was pretty fun and Colbert was tremendous.  Missed Bryan Cranston as guest by a day, but Daniel Craig the week of a new James Bond film is not too shabby.  So, while I wish I could provide more details and emotions about the big day something much more pressing emerged in my life that I need to talk about.

The Food Emporium near my apartment (along with the whole Food Emporium franchise) is closing and it makes me sad.  In a city where neighborhoods don’t exist in the old sense (my old neighbors are nice, but then they die, and everyone under 40 appears to be buried in their phone and be uncomfortable with acknowledging another human being), the supermarket, along with pubs and diners are the only place to feel like familiar faces and smiles still exist in making Manhattan feel even slightly like a community.  Well the silver lining of the Food Emporium closing is that there are big sales on all items, including cookies.  However, all the Nabisco, Entenmann’s and Pepperidge Farm products were very quick to go.  By the time I went for my Cookie Looting Keebler was the only major brand still available in bulk.  Not only are Chips Deluxe incredible (flour, a stick of butter and chips per cookie), but there were tons of them left.  But then I noticed large stacks of cookies called Coconut Dreams.  My date to the Food Emporium (taking a chick for a Fage yogurt and ziploc bags is not so much my “Netflix and chill” as it is my “steak dinner and vacation” – times are lean with my comedy bookings/income) then said words that may echo the death knell to the cartel of cookies known as the Girl Scouts (ahem – cisgender girl scouts as they may later in life identify as something other than girls/women – WAKE UP CISGENDER GIRL SCOUTS – IT IS 2015!):

“Aren’t those Samoas?”

 

Much like the earthquake that sounded when Jesus Christ took his last breath, all sound stopped when I heard this question.  As you can see from the picture on the package, they are awfully similar to Samoas, so coupled with the discount being offered I bought a package of them.  25 minutes later the package of Samoas masquerading as Coconut Dreams was gone, vanquished to my belly, the same way the Girl Scouts’ monopoly was vanquished.

They are identical to Samoas, the cost less per package and there is no office guilt to support your co-worker’s daughter, who cannot even be bothered to make the sale attempt herself, and no wait time (if you are going to make the argument that I can order them on-line).  Samoas are the best cookie, possibly ever, and now, like Palm Pilot and Blockbuster video the antiquated and lazy monopoly of the Girl Scouts is over.  However, there is a problem:

The Girls Scouts are not old black men.

Yes, you read that correctly.  In our culture black people are stolen from constantly, from their bodies to their physical attributes to their artistic contributions. But stealing the inventions of black people, men especially, is part of American tradition.  But stealing from little girls, especially white girls, is pretty much the exact opposite – it is never done and almost certainly Keebler would be treated like Elvish Hitler if these cookies become more widely known.  That is why, in a Matthew McConnaughey-esque, A Time to Kill moment, we must imagine that the Girl Scouts are old black musicians.  Now, instead of thinking of the Girl Scouts as chaste angels worth our protection, think of them as old black blues singers that are road bumps on the way to our favorite white musical heroes!  No one wants to buy cookies from Muddy Waters, especially when the white Keebler Led Zeppelins rock so much better!

So go to a supermarket and buy yourself some Samoas – I mean some Coconut Dreams – the tasty white shreds from the old brown casing – HOW SYMBOLIC! They are delicious.  And someone informed me on Facebook that I was years behind in this discovery, but sometimes it takes a blogger/comedian of huge relevance to make it known to the wider public. You are welcome world.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

Time Magazine’s 2015 Person of the Year: The Scared…

This year there has been no shortage of big stories, controversies and entertainment and it would seem that Time’s board would have a tough task choosing its 2015 Person of the Year.  There’s news makers like Pope Francis, Vladimir Putin and President Obama to name a few.  There’s Lin Manuel Miranda, whose Hamilton on Broadway is basically what would happen if Alexander Hamilton re-wrote Biggie’s Ready to Die about his own life, but without Puff Daddy “uh-huh”-ing throughout.  There’s Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders, both of whom have shaken up their respective ends of the political world.  But I think at this point the person of the year should be clear.  2015’s person of the year has been overdue for a few years, but now with the ascendancy of Donald Trump and the success of Jurassic World, this year’s person of the year must be:

the scared white person.

Exhibit A – Donald Trump

No one has given voice to the scared white person, and has allowed them to flex their collective muscle like Donald Trump.  He became a front runner, with remarkable staying power considering his lack of substance and our collective ADD, on the strength of demonizing Mexican immigrants and touting his own vague prowess at everything.  And his nearest challenger is from Dr. Ben Carson, a man who finally started to climb the polls by criticizing shooting victims and demonizing his brown people of choice, Muslims.

 

Exhibit B – Jurassic World

No movie hit bigger in 2015 than Jurassic World, which is now a top five grossing film of all time.  I thought it was much more Jurassic Parks 2 & 3, than it was the excellent original, but pretty white people running from dinosaurs was enough to destroy even The Avengers (confident white people/superheroes not as popular this year).

 

Exhibit C – More Mass Shootings, Less Gun Control

Scared people (probably of all races, but come on…) had to deal with a few more mass shootings in 2015 and as usual found comfort in boosting gun sales to combat their fear of being victims… not of being shot (then gun control might be their preferred approach), but of having the scary black president taking unprecedented action and “Taykin’ they guns!!!!”

Exhibit D – Ashley Madison hack

Nothing sent shock waves throughout the white male community like the Ashley Madison hack.  As we learned from the (edited) viral street harassment video, men of color don’t need a secretive website to holler at women.

Exhibit E – Benjamin Netanyahu 

Exhibit F – Unreasonably nervous 911 callers continue to get black people shot  

Watching the video today of the police officer brutally assaulting a misbehaving black girl in her classroom reminded me of something – many of the cases involving shot/murdered unarmed black people by law enforcement involve a call to police from a nervous (white) person. At least in the classroom case it was a nervous (but more likely annoyed) black person calling on the police (the teacher), but the result was the same: a black person violated at the hands of a police officer.  But in so many of the cases in the last few years I always wonder “what scared white person reported this?”  Because in all fairness to the cops, even the ones who have taken excessive action, I have to assume getting a call from 911 saying “there’s a (black) guy with a gun” will heighten the officer’s tension and preparation for danger, more than a call less soaked in fear (or, obviously, if a call never comes).  But in reality the officer was just doing physically what one-half of Republican primary voters have been supporting from Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson verbally – the abuse of people of color.  So for all these reasons, both serious and humorous, Time’s 2015 Person of the Year is the Scared White Person.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

Lebron is the Greatest, but Hakeem Already Did THIS…

I have spent the last 8 years of my hoops fan life calling Lebron the greatest player of all time. His combination of Magic Johnson skills, and a size and athleticism combination suggesting an evolutionary leap forward made it obvious to me.  And then for 4 years I wrote and podcasted his greatness to death post-The Decision, mainly because of the obviousness of his talent and the hypocrisy of non-Cleveland basketball fans who seemed to only express outrage at Lebron’s disloyalty because he was not disloyal with them (hi Knick fans).  So it is sort of bittersweet to see Lebron getting so much respect and credit now from people with low basketball IQs who could not fully appreciate Lebron’s greatness until they had 100% proof in the form of this year’s Finals run (a LOT of people on my Facebook feed qualify).  Was he not the greatest of all time last year when he played great, but was severely under-matched against a brilliant and hungry Spurs team? Well now everyone is back on the Lebron bandwagon more than ever before and it has forced me to point out a fact amidst this love fest narrative: Lebron may be doing something Michael Jordan never did (potentially winning a finals without a stud second banana), but what Lebron is doing is NOT unprecedented.  It happened in 1994 and was done by Hakeem Olajuwon.

In 1994 Hakeem Olajuwon took a team of journeymen and young, not yet developed talent on his back and carried them to a 7 game win over the Knicks (hi Knick fans) in the Finals.  He averaged 28 ppg, more than double the next best playoff average on his team. And let’s look at his roster:

  • Vernon Maxwell
  • Robert Horry (rookie year)
  • Kenny Smith
  • Otis Thorpe
  • Sam Cassell (rookie year)
  • Mario Elie

Wow – doesn’t that roster inspire fear???  Not one all star on the team. Not sure if Thorpe ever made an all star team and I was informed on social media this morning debating this point that Sam Cassell made one all star team… in 2004.  So the idea that no player has ever done what Lebron has done is plain false.  Sorry, I have defended him and love watching him play, but facts are facts.  And watching this finals aren’t the Cavs sort of displaying the same sort of unlikely heroes that the Rockets sort of did?  Granted both supporting casts benefit from playing with a top 10 all time player, but let’s look at it:

  • Dellavadova is playing as great as any role player in Finals history.  And it is not all because of Lebron. The man is on every lose ball like one of those annoying guys trying to impress the coach.
  • Tristan Thompson is rebounding like the spirit of Dennis Rodman is inside him
  • Timofey Mozgov is proving to be a competent center (Hi Knick fans). Not an all star, but solid in the post, able to hit clutch free throws (game 1) and a legitimate rim protector
  • JR Smith and Iman Shumpert (just to say hi Knick fans), but isnt JR Smith basically Vernon Maxwell?

My point is this: I freely admit that this Cavs supporting cast wouldn’t win 30 games without Lebron, but neither would that 1994 Rockets team.  So let’s enjoy Lebron’s run as potentially the greatest finals performance ever, but what he is doing is not completely unprecedented.  Hakeem may have operated int he shadow of Michael Jordan’s departure, but it is no reason to bury his legacy under the ascension of Lebron James.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

The New Wave of Harmless Diversity in Comedy

In law school (what a pretentious way to begin a blog post about comedy) we studied, among hundreds, the case Bakke v. Regents of California.  It was a 1970s case where the Supreme Court took on affirmative action for the first time.  It ruled that although racial quotas were unconstitutional in college admissions, using race as a “plus factor” was allowed, with the vision, correct in my estimation, that different races can provide different perspectives and value to a college experience that can benefit all students.  The sharing of different experiences and the exposure to people who many do not meet regularly in a largely segregated society (America as a whole, so please don’t tell me about how your neighborhood is different Astoria comedians!) is of value, as is addressing some inequities ingrained in our society.  Perhaps you do not believe in race based classifications of any kind and if that is the case thank you for reading my blog angry white person or Clarence Thomas.  But I think, on the whole, racial diversity is important for various reasons, exposure, familiarity and diversity of life experiences all making up its relevant components.

Last week I had a show in Brooklyn in front of a fairly mixed crowd, racially speaking.  Normally when I am doing material with either racially infused commentary or racial insensitivity I preface some of that material with autobiographical details. I discuss my mixed race heritage (Haitian father, Irish mother) which seems to set people more at ease to laugh and/or think about my material.  But on Thursday I opted to go right for one of my better bits of the last couple of years on black bouncers.  Here it is on YouTube from the DC Improv last October:

For the DC Improv crowd I had already prefaced it with my personal details, but last week I went right into the bit with no details (and because Winter has just ended and I cannot afford a tanning bed session, let alone a sunny vacation, I am at my lightest skin coloring possible).  And the response was the most mediocre it has ever been for the joke.  The crowd laughed/unclenched their progressive butt holes when I concluded the bit with “Maybe I should have prefaced that with telling you that my father is black. My mother just happens to be Irish which is the hateful bleach of racial mixing so I came out like this. But now maybe you can start laughing because a half black guy is talking about racism instead of the hateful guinea you think I am.”

(Now mind you laughs persisted even though I had dropped a blatant Italian slur, despite having no Italian heritage, unless you consider seeing The Godfather 40 times Italian).  Not to mention that the bit is really about the lingering and hidden racism of white people (or the perception of it – you decide), which you think might play better in a hip Brooklyn space.

In a career of frustrating false starts and setbacks this was a weird one. Granted it was one show, but in 12 years of performing I have noticed that my material and opinions, which usually stand on solid comedic and logical premises require some sort of checked box before I can share them with most crowds, especially crowds today.  I have a handful of sets I can recall where I have done material (mind you, I never drop N bombs or anything like that) without offering my racial identity ahead of time and they have all been less well received than when I do mention my racial bona fides.  Sometimes I refrain from explaining context if I think a joke should stand on its own, regardless of who is telling it, just to spite an audience, rather than pander to their preconceptions of what should be said and who should say it.  Sadly, these experiences have made me realize more than ever, pursuant to some discussions I have had on my podcast with comedian Josh Homer, that comedy audiences (and the industry for sure) now crave useless, or at least harmless diversity more than ever.  Let me explain.

In the Supreme Court example previously mentioned, diversity was not intended as its own end. Instead, diversity’s importance stemmed from the exchange of ideas, of perspectives, of experiences and opinions that would make diversity useful and desired.  And yes, there was, and still is, the idea of addressing certain socially ingrained problems and offering redress through diversity.  But now throughout society and inside comedy in particular it seems we want the presence of diversity, without any real substance to it. The visual of diversity has become paramount and feels more important than the meaning within it.  President Obama, who avoided race, much to the chagrin of some of his black and liberal supporters, immediately become a race baiter/hustler/divisive when he addressed the Trayvon Martin case in personal tones, years into his administration.  Eric Holder, who has been the racial issues pit bull for the Obama administration is reviled by the GOP.   We are so post racial that we get very angry when anyone actually gets racial.

In comedy it has been an interesting swing.  The new preview for Last Comic Standing seems to have accelerated the push for diversity from last year.  Last year featured a lot more color than previous years. There have been articles about a new wave of black male comedians steeped less in racial narratives and more in nerd and alt sensibilities. It seems to be a high water mark for diversity, especially black, in comedy, except it seems there are no new Chris Rocks (he dropped Bring The Pain at the age of 31). It seems the best path to rise from obscurity today in comedy seems to be a black guy who rarely discusses anything about being black unless it is innocuous or if it is used to mock black people (hi Key and Peele).  One need only open a newspaper or watch a news program to realize that racial issues are still at the forefront of American culture whether we wish them to be or not. And comics, who are so quick to cite their role as mirrors on society when defending their mocking the death of a celebrity in tweets, seem to be less likely to engage in some of these issues now.

Before I continue, I don’t want what I am saying and about to say to be confused for its simpler and uglier cousin “Hey, why can’t we just pick the funniest people and leave it at that.”  That is an easy cop out to defend the status quo in terms of opportunity and voice.  Just like the Rooney rule in the NFL, which requires teams to interview at least one coach of color before picking a coach, sometimes it is necessary to introduce new people and groups into the spotlight because the process has largely ignored them.  Keeping things fair and color blind will lead to no opportunities because one group has such a definitive, and in many ways unfair head start.

Now I must say that no one comedian can or should be required to deliver any kind of message or comedy. A comedian must be free to explore their own voice and that voice does not need to be, nor should it be required to be, some bullhorn for social issues.  But when the industry, in the aggregate, begins supporting a comedy whose mere pigment is supposed to represent a message, while muting or not presenting more defiant voices, that is an easy way out for audiences and industry alike.  Obviously W. Kamau Bell (admittedly never watched, but certainly observed the way it was marketed) and Larry Wilmore represented some of what I am thinking about, but Bell is off the air and Wilmore’s show has quickly diverted to a whole range of topics, perhaps because it doesn’t want to alienate people too much, or perhaps it is still too small a sample size to draw any conclusions.  But these are not the wave of new black comics people are raving about anyway.

Of course I do not know every single black comedian, but I do know the type the industry seems to be grabbing for with both hands.  We want to see diversity, but in comedy what we see is less important than what we hear and it seems that we hear a lot less than we see.  When one considers the tradition from Pryor to Rock to Chappelle it is striking to see that the fastest way to success now seems to be as a black comedian who avoids challenging people on race, especially in light of all that is occurring in our society today.  There have always been black comedians who did not make their act race based, but there were also comics who did because in America that is still something worth exploring and challenging.  I won’t make a field slave/house slave comparison (that would be as hyperbolic as the hundreds of people and things that get compared to Hitler on a weekly basis), but when the emerging landscape seems to be black comics who avoid these topics there is either a wholesale abandoning of a perspective by the industry, or a pandering by artists to be what the industry seeks. And neither is very positive in the aggregate.

This brings me back to my bit (what would my blog be without some self-aggrandizing).  A lot of my material over the last few years has been about my perspective as a (to a majority of people) white looking guy who has a black father to dissect some of the things I have seen.  But it seems like a lose-lose-lose situation. If I tell the crowd I am half black it gives me the perceived racial standing to criticize from within, but then it can be uncomfortable for people, usually white, who don’t want to be lectured on the persistence of racism from a guy whose face appears to have “white privilege,” even if he claims a different heritage.   If I don’t announce my racial background the reaction can be even more stand offish, often from both sides of the pigment aisle, even though my opinions tend to be left of center on all things racial.  The only perspective left is to pretend to be a hostile, conservative white comic who is “truth telling” to the masses with “I’m not afraid/I went there” posturing, except then I would not be true to myself or my actual feelings since the few comic voices that lean that way tend to be somewhere between conservative and racist.

I just think between my experiences in life and as a comedian and observing the trends taking hold in comedy (bearded non sequitur spewers have now given way to black/ethnic, “but there’s nothing different about us” comics in the passing of the “what industry is desperate for” torch) diversity doesn’t and shouldn’t mean abandonning or disregarding social commentary.  Perhaps the rise of politically correct watchdogs in comedy coupled with the rise of alternative comedy have created less demand for confrontational comedy (or less comfort with it).  But whether it’s softer audiences, more selective industry, both or neither it would be nice to have more challenging voices join the rising powers.  And if an Italian looking dude with a black dad can’t get away with it then someone with two black parents needs to before we all find out we are all similar and happy and no one is thinking or laughing.

And I am aware that diversity encompasses more than black and white issues, which is why I am predicting a gay winner of Last Comic Standing this Summer, without knowing anything regarding who has advanced, etc.  But in entertainment, as well as in America, black and white issues will dominate the narrative for some time the same way they did this blog.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

The Rise of the TV Comedy Without Laughter

Anyone who follows me on Twitter knows that I was very disappointed when I saw the almost entirely humorless Transparent won Best TV Comedy at this year’s Golden Globe Awards.  Anyone that I am friends with on Facebook know that I find the more bizzare-than-LOL homage to Woody Allen named Louie on FX to be more a testament to Louis CK’s work ethic and enjoyment of Allen’s films than actually funny.  And then there is HBO’s 800 lb Gorilla (no not Lena Dunham, but Girls, the show that generates more smirks and whimsy than laughter).  All that seems left for critics and comedy awards to gush over is if Wes Anderson decides to bring his quirky, critically acclaimed nonsense to a Showtime series before television comedy can finally usher in the apocalypse.  It is really time for some of these “comedies” to start getting a new category saved for people who are occasionally humorous, but cannot compete in the realm of full comedy: spoken word shows.

To put this in perspective, imagine that there were stand up comedy awards and the nominees were Bill Burr, Dave Chappelle, Henry Rollins and a Steve Martin art discussion.  Two of those are comedians. One is a guy who rants for an hour and occasionally throws in a joke to amuse a crowd while they are not in awe of his re-telling of adventures that show how open minded and worldly he is.  And the last is a comedian who is not doing comedic things.   Well this appears to be happening in TV, as shows that are not particularly funny (I deem funny by the ancient test of “does it generate laughter”), but clearly cannot compete in the age of incredibly great dramas, are being allowed to hog some of the spots for best comedies.

For example HBO – Veep has lots of laughs and gets critical and award recognition.  But Hello Ladies or the 1st season of Eastbound and Down got nothing.  Can anyone reasonably tell me that they laugh more at an episode of Girls than at Hello Ladies or Eastbound and Down?  To say nothing of the fact that those shows are actually just better shows, they are certainly better at generating laughs.  I understand that there are reasons why Ace Ventura: Pet Detective did not get nominated for Golden Globes for Best Comedy – it is funny, but it is obviously not a “good” movie.  Tone Loc and Dan Marino are rarely going to have large speaking roles in high quality entertainment. So I understand that there needs to be a quality threshold to be considered.  But once a show meets that threshold then humor should be the deciding factor.

HBO is not alone.  I just recently mowed through 4 seasons of a long running comedy on FX It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  The show is absolutely hilarious.  Please correct me if I am wrong, but I do not think it has ever been nominated for a Best Comedy Emmy.  Perhaps the network is ignored?  Well, that is not true because Louie continues to compile nominations (as well as wins – hey if Louis CK can win for playing himself then why didn’t Eminem win for 8 Mile?) for best comedy even as the show continues to generate fewer and fewer laughs (and viewers).   But on a humor scale it is not even close as to which show is funnier.

Workaholics on Comedy Central also stands out for me.  Admittedly I have found the show inconsistently funny over the last 2.5 seasons, but when it hits, it hits huge, which you would think might generate a writing nomination (for an episode), but not when Girls is generating at least 4 smirks per episode!

 

And then we arrive at Transparent, which may be the apex (or nadir) of this humorless comedy movement. The show is a critical (and I would say Hollywood liberal) darling because it stars a usually hilarious Jeffrey Tambour and is the first show to have a transgender character driving the narrative.  I laughed 3 times during the 10 episodes of Transparent‘s first season.  What makes it even more bizarre is that Transparent is the 3rd comedy on Amazon’s video service and it is overwhelmingly the least funny of the three (I strongly recommend Alpha House and also recommend Mozart in the Jungle).  Despite my critiques of stand up I am actually a relatively easy laugh, especially by the standard of stand up comics.  But that show, which I watched half of the weekend it went up on-line (so I was not biased by any awards) and found it annoying.  But even allowing for difference in tastes, it just was not very funny.  Even half of the people I have engaged with on social media over the show who like it admit that they don’t think it really qualifies as a comedy.  But once again, what is easier to challenge for awards – Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones or Girls and The Big Bang Theory?

So now we live in a world of comedies that don’t make people laugh, but rather think and smirk?  The question is why?  When did laughter, even in awards that have categories to honor comedy, become a handicap instead of a strength?  I would argue it is what happens when a culture begins to cater to hipsters and nerds. Comedy is not jazz!!!  It is not the laughter you cannot hear that makes it fun!  But I think the need to create your own sense of cool and to reject the mainstream and “know more” or have inside knowledge has given rise to these comedies that are the laughter equivalent of The Emperor’s New Clothes.  In an effort to cater to the cool kids of the day shows that are unfunny except to people who hate the sound of out loud laughter, these shows have cut a far too large slice of the comedy award pie.  So hopefully the pendulum swings back soon. It is bad enough the Oscars tend to not honor comedies (though seriously shut the fu*k up if you thought Bridesmaids deserved Oscar recognition) but in awards like the Emmys and Golden Globes it is time to give actual laughter more weight in determining what makes a worthy comedy.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!