California Blog Vol. 1

Mike Tyson and the Fraternity

I have heard many things about the West Coast and so far they have all been true. Here is what I have seen so far.

TRUE THING #1 – San Diego has beautiful weather.

I spent the first 3 days of my California vacation in San Diego and the weather was insanely beautiful. High 70s, sunny, not even a white cloud in the sky. Downside – it was me, my girlfriend and her best friend which meant that the conversation was 90% things a guy would never want to hear (fluids, ex boyfriends, ex boyfriends and their fluids- those sorts of things).

TRUE THING#2 – You will probably see celebrities in LA.

My first celebrity sighting was Mike Tyson, two blocks form my hotel. He was talking to three blonde women. I figured maybe they had not gotten the news so I informed them that he was Mike Tyson. They responeded “we know” so I said, Mike Tyson, the ear-biting rapist and they said, “Oh my God I knew he was famous. I told you!” Then I ran away from Mike Tyson.

TRUE THING #3 – People in LA are very vain.

This is true. The gym was full of preening and posing and strutting. And to preemptively quote Jerry Seinfeld (“not that there’s anything wrong with that!”) the gym was 98% gay men. I wasn’t sure if it was some sort of a theme day or something, but there were about 60 people in the gym. One half Haitian giant (me), 6 women, one other straight dude and 52 gay dudes. It then dawned on me that this must be a terrific city to be a straight dude.

Other things I have done – I performed at the Hollywood Improv where there was a fraternity from USC watching. That was fun, but I don’t think I had enough binge-drinking, sluts and date rape material to keep them happy. Still some of them told me good show.

Then we went out drinking at the clubby/lounge at my hotel (which is so trendy that they have mermaids and mermen sitting in the lobby – last night the mermaid was checking her e-mail in a glass case, presumably a glass case of emotion). While at the lounge my girlfriend decided to get in a verbal argument with a fat pig of a man who claimed to be a big drug dealer. Hopefully he has been shot or eaten himself to death.

Pictures to follow, as are more details of the trip. Laugh Factory tonight and tomorrow night.

J-L’s Top Ten Movies of Summer 2007

At least it’s better than 2006

So the summer movie season started with absolutely awful films – Spider Man 3, Shrek the Third, Pirates of The Caribbean: At World’s End and Ocean’s 13 all sucked to various degrees. But unlike last summer, which only had a top 4 films because the movies sucked so bad, this Summer recovered nicely after May. Here are my Top 10 (let me say, to be fair that I did not see Rush Hour 3 because I figured it would not impact this list and I did not see Hairspray because the sight of John Travolta in fat drag is frightening to me):

1) THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM

The best movie of 2007 so far. One of the three best action films I have ever seen (Die Hard and Face Off being the others – I consider T2 and The Matrix to be Sci-Fi).

2) RATATOUILLE

Pixar. Enough said.

3) SUPERBAD

The biggest surprise for me because I was not overwhelmed by 40 Year Old Virgin or Knocked Up. This one was the best of the three.

4) TRANSFORMERS

The story was not great and the dialogue was crap in parts, but this movie has the best special effects I have ever seen.

5) SICKO

Not nearly as funny as Fahrenheit 9/11, but a well done plea for America’s uninsured.

6) THE SIMPSONS

My favorite line of any film this year. Mr. Burns: “Finally a rich, white man will have the power.”

7) LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD

Very good action (although completely absurd) and witty dialogue. It may have been the worst Die Hard, but it was still pretty good.

8) KNOCKED UP

A comedy with some very good dialogue. Too long (just like 40 Year Old Virgin), but a much needed decent film in the beginning of June (after the aforementioned awful films in May).

9) 2 DAYS IN PARIS

I thought from the preview that this film would have been in the Top 3, but it was a little disappointing. That said, the dialogue was quick and funny and the interplay between the two stars was very believable.

10) HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

I saw this on the IMAX which had a fantastic 3D finale. Overall it was good, but not great.

Everyone Deserves A Second Chance

Especially when they are awesome NFL quarterbacks

I think when Michael Vick gets out of jail (where he is presumed to be heading when he pleads guilty on Monday to gambling/dog abuse charges) the NFL should let him play again. There are many reasons that I will go through, but the biggest reason is that he is awesome at football.

Now I know some of the allegations are awful – the dog fighting, the murder/executions of losing dogs, the doggie rape chambers, but let’s put this in perspective. Perhaps the dogs would not want to go on living with missing jaws and eyes. I know many people who would rather be dead than be left in a vegetative state and I am sure that dogs are no different (and for the record Don Bluth was right – all dogs do go to Heaven so I am sure they are better off). Furthermore, Saddam Hussein ran human rape chambers and it took us like 20 years and a war of false pretext to get him. It took the feds like 6 months to nail Vick to the wall.

And recently I was subjected to a 13 minute video from PETA by my girlfriend on the horrors and abuses of the various meat industries. What these animals are subjected to is atrocious and all of us who enjoy steak or hot dogs are complicit in it. I will probably not stop eating steak and chicken and hot dogs (well maybe hot dogs), but I would push for more humane treatment of the animals in the way they live and are killed. However, corporate America would never allow that because it would eat into profits and too many people in this country don’t give a fu-k to make corporations change. And most young people today will treat you like a loser if you speak passionately about the environment

So we deal with it and a small percentage of the population like my girlfriend, Alec Baldwin and Russell Simmons swear off meat, while the vast majority decide to look the other way or say that this is acceptable torture of animals. But then we jump at the chance to condemn a celebrity who is doing awful things to dogs for sport. I personally think hunting is stupid and barbaric in 2007 and I think the same of Ultimate Fighting competitions. What Michael Vick was doing was simply a combination of the two. I think it is terrible, but I feel the outcry over the treatment of animals in the Vick case does not require any real self examination of our behaviors in general. It is easy to point at Vick and call him a monster, but wide scale animal slaughter and massive environmental destruction by corporations, as well as by us as individuals, is ok because to change that would take too much personal sacrifice.

But the real reason I am against banning Vick from the NFL is because he is an awesome football player. Warren Moon beat his wife, OJ Simpson wrote a crude book about hypothetical murder, etc. The list of NFL offenders is long, but it may be a guy who ran dog fights that faces a lifetime ban. Are they not aware of how electrifying a player Michael Vick is? At some point he was going to become the first quarterback with 4,000 yards passing, 1,000 yards rushing in the same season (I think he’d be the first). I think in this life we give second chances to lots of people for superficial reasons. Bad men because they are rich, bad women because they are beautiful, bad kids because they’re yours. I think we can cut Vick some slack as well. He should still be punished, but that’s no reason to punish the NFL fan as well.

Oh, and by the way there is an unjust war going on where almost 4,000 American humans have died. Woof!

The New World

Why is China treating us like Native Americans? Don’t they know we killed them all?

Reading the New York Times this morning I see the latest news from China is that their pigs (which I love because I like bacon, hot dogs and Babe) are contaminated with some horrible virus that may cause major problems in the pork world. This is just the latest in a series of things that China has done to hurt America.

Earlier this week there was a report that millions of toys had to be recalled because they had lead in them (or were choking hazards) that could be very bad for children. Last month it was pet food and toothpaste that were damaged goods. Fortunately China, in the overreaction of the century, executed the head of their food and drug agency (albeit more for approving fake drugs, but still). Then there is all this talk of China’s government trying to devalue their currency, which I have no idea what the hell that means, but the business section of the Times is very angry about it.

The truth is I am not sure what China is doing because they are doing so much. And I think it is brilliant. In 2007 no one is going to stand for blankets with small pox and getting Americans drunk to take over their country. In today’s world you need to be more sophisticated to take over America and I think China is up to the task. With a billion people they are well equipped to subvert free speech in their own country and take down ours at the same time.

Just think – with bad pigs come bad hot dogs and with bad hot dogs comes unhealthy baseball fans. With no baseball fans, America’s past time will die, unless injected with human growth hormone. Although we all know that America’s past time is getting fat playing video game systems. Systems that are designed by Japanese people and made in… China.

Then pet food – with dying pets, Americans will have nothing to kick when they get home to vent over their shi-ty jobs, many of which they may lose as they go to China and India. Fewer pets to abuse means more person-on-person violence. Michael Vick will have to have homeless people battling to the death at his home now.

Toothpaste problems – well that is easy. China wants our teeth to resemble theirs (and Brits), further weakening our world standing and one of our distinct advantages over them.

And then toys. Even this is a low blow – putting harmful lead in toys so that our children get sick and so there is no next generation of America. When I was growing up He-Man had special powers, but one of them was not the ability to cause Cancer. Optimus Prime could not turn my lungs into landfill.

So for these reasons I am asking everyone to boycott the Olympics next summer, which are going to be in China. I have already given up my spot on the USA Handball Team.

National Night Out Against Crime

An epic about fatties, skinnies, whores and fighting crime.

Last night I represented my office at the National Night Out Against Crime at an undisclosed precinct in the Bronx. I was there with another representative from my office to hand out literature and assorted items to members of the community to inform them of crime prevention, etc.

Let me say before this epic blog continues that I have not been to Afghanistan, Iraq, a Chinese prison or Darfur, but I believe that only those places could top what I witnessed last night.

5:00 I arrived at the park for the festivities and noticed a stage set up, a few amusement park-style rides and numerous booths set up for different community organizations. Lots of police were standing around, mostly gawking and making lewd comments to each other about the 14 year old girls walking around (absolutely true). There was also an amazing amount of fat people. People who think the Midwest or Texas have the market cornered on fat need to check out one of these events.

Also present were members of the Explorers program. This is a program that takes young kids (middle and high school age) who want to be police officers or are interested in law enforcement and makes them subjects of ridicule to their classmates. I think the motivation behind the program is noble, but not since high school kids were allowed to do after-school karate has an activity done so much to cock-block teenagers. If George Bush wanted to ensure abstinence among high schoolers he would simply mandate that kids do one of three activities:

1) Dungeons and Dragons

2) Karate

3) Explorers

Kids marching in berets with fake rifles and shirts that say NYPD are asking to be the targets of bullies.

5:30 Our booth was now set up and we started handing out literature and coloring books to the kids. Now, I don’t mean to stereotype or generalize, but Indians (dot, not feather) steal coloring books from National Night Out Against Crime booths. One family of AOL tech support must have taken 12 coloring books. At one point I threw one at them and yelled, “The outsourcing stops here!”

Then the captain of the precinct made his rounds wearing his captain’s hat. I think nothing eliminates the respect for a police officer than a hat, which hasn’t been seen since Sean Connery was walking the beat in The Untouchables. But when a lucrative pension is waiting, you wear the hat.

At this point in the evening the band, Mixed Nuts (I’m sure you’ve heard of them) started jamming. They played several oldies and had two people dancing. One was a fat kid (of course he was fat) who was actually very funny and probably a couple of years from coming out of the closet. The other dancer was the scariest woman I had ever seen. She was about 5’7” and weighed 80 lbs. She danced like she was in a trance, which was probably narcotic induced, but she loved Mixed Nuts.

While all this was going on I was handing out coloring books. But several adult men were taking coloring books “for their kids,” who were conveniently “at home.” I have already made a call to Dateline telling them that they should track these men.

I also saw a group of Italian yutes (12 year olds with wife beaters, gold chains and hair gel), who were complaining about all the “f-ing cops.” So I asked them, “What were you going to do if the cops weren’t here, drag one of the black kids out back and beat him up for dating your sister? Get back in the Bronx Tale DVD box where you belong.”

6:00 I went walking around to different booths. I got to the FDNY booth (Fire Department) and they were handing out coloring books as well. I particularly liked the picture of the St. Patrick’s Day Drunken fight, but I don’t know if it should be in a children’s coloring book. I then observed one of the amusement park rides – one of those huge inflatable castles. Fine, family fun. But the guy operating had multiple tattoos… on his neck. Now I don’t mean to stereotype, but I don’t want guys with neck tattoos operating kids’ rides. Neck tattoos are God’s way of saying, “He/she has been to prison or will be going very soon.”

Then there was the presentation of some award to the Bronx Puerto Rican Day King and Queen, which is like being the Number 1 seed for next year’s NYC Puerto Rican Day Parade.

6:30 The greatest assault on the senses that I have ever seen. A girl, probably between 15 and 17 strutted in with her family. I am not saying she was dressed like a whore, but I am pretty sure she lost her virginity during the second trimester. As I learned, her name is “Charlie” and she is a singer and she is set to perform.

So Charlie gets up on stage and tells the crowd that she is about to release her debut album on Sony records and that this is her first single – I believe the title was “Drink Me Up.” Or something subtle like that. And then she pulls an Ashlee Simpson – total lip sync. And the song flat out sucked. And note to Charlie’s publicist, bare stomachs are only sexy if the stomach does not jiggle.

When Charlie finished she gave the text book send off: “God Bless, keep supporting the Bronx, I grew up here and knew the struggles. Keep love in your heart. I love you all.”

And then I vomited. It is sort of weird to grow up in one of the better precincts in the Bronx and then say, with your family there, “I know the struggles.” Why not just say, “Mom, Dad you fuc-ed up, but now I am banging a producer 15 years older than me and can’t wait to embarrass you as a low level Lindsey Lohan.”

7:30 Mixed Nuts stopped playing when their back up music (AKA Microsoft Windows) stopped playing. It got dark and we gave out all our literature so at 8:05 we packed it up and headed home.

Old Age

Today is the oldest I’ve ever been.

So this coming weekend my Dad turns 76. Last year he turned 75 so we took him to a nice Cuban restaurant and got him presents. This year I am taking him to see Sicko and for a pancake breakfast. Sicko will be very entertaining, but health care is not an issue for my Dad because he is part of the Irish Shield Health Care System. It is very simple. You marry a woman who is hard working, younger than you and has great health insurance. Then you pile up huge bills (especially dental) because you can.

But age is weird. There are certain milestones I have seen that make me feel old. The first time a Mom says to their child, “Say excuse me to the nice man.” Man? – lady I don’t know if you noticed, but I still watch Disney movies, talk about sports and have all my hair – I’m not a man! Or even worse a “sir.” No one knighted me. But one day I know I will hit that point when my kids (if I have any) will bring a friend over who will refer to me as J-L or to my wife as Scarlett and I will tell them, a la Christopher Plummer in The Insider, “J-L. J-L? Try Mr. Cauvin and Mrs. Johansson.” But that landmark day is far far away at this point.

But this weekend I tuned in to VH-1’s countdown of videos and realized that I had not heard of over half of the artists on the countdown. It is as if the music industry has quadrupled its rate of production of mediocre one-hit wonders in the last few years. Once you get called sir and don’t know what the kids are listening to these days (and use phrases like “what these kids are listening to these days”) you are getting older.

And then I am dating an older woman so there’s the obvious pressure there… to pay bouncers in advance to card her.

The only thing short of kids that can age you though is a day job. I looked 25 before I started my job. Now I feel like my eyes resemble John Kerry’s after he learned he lost the election to W.

And then when I see a milestone like Alex Rodriguez’ 500th Home Run and realize there will be a generation of youngsters growing up now who will never know what it’s like to see a player like A-Rod – a major league baseball player not on steroids and with a full command of the English language.

But then I shouldn’t feel too old. Just yesterday I was at my parent’s building to go swimming and some old people asked me if I was still growing. Nothing like some batty old people to make you feel young and continent.

Gay Italian Pirates

That’s who I open for on the road.

Last Thursday I got a call from Bananas Comedy Club in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ. They needed a feature act for Saturday’s 8 pm show. Pay was $100 and the set was 25 minutes.

Saturday I took an NJ transit bus to Hasbrouck Heights. Now the bus ride from Port Authority was only 25 minutes. I did not realize the middle of nowhere could be reached in only 25 minutes, but that’s where I found myself. But I was not alone. My girlfriend and an elderly couple from Germany or Brazil (I don’t know something weird like that) were with me. The elderly Germans were with us because they were waiting to go to the same place as us – the Hasbrouck Heights Holiday Inn, the location of Bananas Comedy Club. My girlfriend was with me because – well as if it is not obvious – I was performing at a Holiday Inn.

When we got to the hotel I sat down at the bar and ordered a hamburger and my girlfriend told me she would have the side salad that came with it. What arrived at my table was something that resembled a piece of the Berlin Wall covered in greasy phlegm. I ate three bites and put it down because I figured that was as much flesh eating bacteria that I could handle. My girlfriend declined the side salad, primarily because the site of my hamburger, couple with the fly that landed on the salad and my hamburger were enough to turn her away. But the bartender did not charge me for it so she got a better tip.

Then it was show time. Before taking stage I met the emcee, who I actually knew from the city and the headliner, who with his bandana, loop earring and wide eyes resembled a pirate missing an eye patch. Then there was the audience.

I try to be as adaptable to different audiences, but many good comics are not for everyone. I have now developed a good rule of thumb for my audience success rates. You add up the number of people in an audience who wear Depends and the number of people who look like they know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried and then subtract the number of people who know what text messaging is. If that number is negative – go out and have a great set. If that number is positive I say a quick prayer and hope for the set to be over soon. I think my number for this show was 40 (total audience about 60).

Throughout the show I had strong support from the black table – like a high school cafeteria this club had a black table, and from the few blondes in the room (one of which was my girlfriend). The rest of the audience alternated between polite tittering and shaking of heads at some of my harsher material. During those jokes it is was particularly nice to have my girlfriend there because she would laugh loudest at those moments, either because she has a better sense of humor or because she enjoys seeing me crash and burn in front of the Columbus Society and the AARP.

The headliner killed after me. I would love to take credit for it, but I think he just fed their need for piracy and the issues they care about (lawn care, prescription drug care, child care – in other words he could have been running on a humorous political platform for Hasbrouck heights Village Council). And just for the record he was not gay – he just looked like it (and he made jokes about it).

But then again – what can you expect. When a comedy club is called bananas it is hard to get up on stage and expect a crowd ready to rock out – “WHAT’S UP!!! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK… Bananas?”

But like any comic looking for work I am happy Bananas gave me the opportunity, so thanks for that. And by the time I get work there again half the audience probably won’t be with us anymore so the next set could always go better.

My New York Times Subscription

Will Shortz does my dirty work.

When I lived at home I had daily access to the NY Times and the New York Daily News, the two papers my Mom wakes up at 4 AM to read cover to cover before leaving for work. I took it for granted. I would flip through it while having breakfast. My girlfriend, with whom I now live, had a subscription to the New York Post, which is one third of the girlie Holy Trinity of news sources (Dateline and US Weekly are the other two components).

So my brother, a journalist, decided that to save me from the clutches of the New York Post he would get me a housewarming gift in the form of a New York Times subscription. I must say that I am happy for many reasons:

1) I know what is going on in the world this week. For example in one article a few days ago it said that based on poll numbers, Americans are increasingly of the belief that going into Iraq was the right decision. Amazing. In a related poll, 55% of Americans decided that the 45% who believe that are fuc-ing idiots.

2) It has not been stolen once. In Washington DC my Washington Post would get stolen at least once a week. If anyone knows someone in Cleveland Park who has confessed to newspaper theft I want him extradited to New York and held as an enemy combatant.

3) I can give my girlfriend the NY Times crossword puzzle each day, which is the only thing a man can give a woman that will be as satisfying and frustrating and confusing as the woman herself. I am especially looking forward to Friday’s crossword.

4) My first Sunday Times gets delivered on Sunday. I am hoping to be awake to see the forklift drop it off. I hear this Sunday they are adding a new 32 pages section on toe nail clippings, the last remaining reference topic not covered by the Encyclopedia Britannica that is the Sunday Times.

Another Bronx Tale

This one does not feature a kid named Cholesterol.

Sometimes I wonder why I work in the Bronx. Is it some part of a divine plan or fate? Some bank robber was once asked, “Why do you rob banks?” He replied, “Because that’s where the money is.” Why would a comedian work or live in the Bronx? Because that’s where the humor is.

I was walking to Court today to drop off some cases when I observed a verbal dispute break out between a Latino Man (LM) approximately 46 years old and an African-American (AA) approximately 16 years old. Fortunately it was a long “DON’T WALK” sign so I got to see everything develop.

AA: I AIN’T SCARED OF YOU!!

LM: blank stare

AA: I’ve knocked out way bigger nig-as than you. I ain’t scared

J-L: Like my size or someone smaller? And technically I am only half nig-, oh never mind.

LM: Just walk away

AA: YOU ALL TALK, YOU SCARED!

J-L: Verbs please

LM: I GOT A KNIFE. WALK AWAY I’M GIVING YOU A LEASE ON LIFE

J-L: Hey – I was thinking about writing a sitcom about the leasing company my Mom works for and calling it Lease on Life. Small world.

LM began walking away and AA followed him down the block in the direction of the courthouse which seemed like a place they should both be headed. Cut out the NYPD as middleman.

Some bystanders asked me if I was a lawyer and I said yes. They informed me that just threatening with a knife was a crime (they were probably thinking of menacing, which would require a knife or something resembling it to be displayed). And since AA was not President of the United States a mere threat would probably just be a violation.

I then ran and caught up to LM and AA and told them they should go see the new play Platanos and Collared Greens, which is a new off Broadway play about romance between an African American man and a Latina woman in NYC. My guess is that it does not end with the man’s younger brother getting stabbed by the woman’s father, which is why I am writing an off Broadway play called “Knocking out way bigger nig-as and the men who stab them.”