The Origin Story of Cookie Cauvin

It is the beginning of a new year so it is a time for people to claim that they will attack 2016 with a new fervor and sense of purpose (they won’t) or to self-aggrandize through reflections on all they learned and grew from in the previous year (they didn’t).  I have opted for a different approach.  Rather than focus on myself I opted to adopt a dog. #Hero.  Her name is Cookie and she, to the best guesses of dog people, is half golden retriever, half beagle (sort of like the canine equivalent of Kathy Moriarty and Robert DeNiro’s marriage in Raging Bull).  I began my adoption process in earnest in the Summer of 2015, when I realized doing legal work from home AND having a comedy arc with less promise than Stephen Hawking’s MMA career provided me with a lot of free time that I could give to a dog in need.  I expressed interest in some dogs (always small – my building has a weight limit on dogs, usually pure breed golden retrievers and cis female (they are usually calmer than cis male dogs and call me old fashioned, but I didn’t want a trans female dog) – the organization Adopt A Golden – Knoxville – specializes in golden retriever rescue), but never was matched up because of high demand (and most people had large yards, kids, hope, etc. so they got preference for a lot of the dogs).

Sidebar – I never even realized golden retrievers needed rescuing – I thought they were like the busty blonds of the dog world – when was the last time you saw a chick that looked like Anna Nicole Smith or Pamela Anderson homeless?  I thought it worked that way with dogs too.  Apparently not.  There are several golden retriever rescue operations, though because goldens are the best dogs in the world – there is a lot of demand from people who want to tell you they rescued a dog.  Let me be clear – I didn’t rescue sh*t. I adopted.  #HonestHero

OK – so after missing out on a couple of dogs I started to get discouraged.  Then in mid Fall the organization got a group of golden retrievers from Turkey (I wrote jokes about this and then a month later CNN actually ran a story about how in Turkey Goldens were a status symbol, but then when people found out that puppies don’t stay that way they began abandoning them,  So I saw some of those goldens, but also a small mixed golden named Olivia.  She was not a Turkey dog, but rather, she was found abandoned in a Kentucky trailer park starving and scavenging for food. She had mange, a bad skin condition, and also was working as a stripper at a full nude club… on the day shift.  In other words, Olivia was living a very rough life.  But clearly she had a resilient spirit because she survived. However, she was sent to a shelter in Kentucky with a high kill rate (Southern states love the death penalty for all species). Hearing about this, Olivia was sent to Adopt a Golden – Knoxville who took her in to avoid her going from the pole to the electric chair.  They got her healthy of her skin issues, fed her good food and then got her into a foster home where she became a very sweet dog that liked to play with toys.  I expressed interest in Olivia and I think because I am mixed race, the people in Knoxville said (in Southern sheriff voice from the 1950s): “Pure bred goldens are for the WHHHHHHHITE Man. Give this mixed bred pup to the product of an unhhhhholy miscegenation!!!”  Or they just thought I would be a nice pairing with her.

So in mid December I got the word that I would be given Olivia, but I declared in a Roots like statement – “Her name is Cookie!”  She was then spayed and had to spend another 11 days recovering in Tennessee (or just wanting word to get to NYC that she could now raw dog consequence free – come on – a cute trailer park Southern chick? You know she is DTF until I get her back to a normal life #FatherFigure).

So on January 1st I drove with my girlfriend to Spring Valley, NY to pick up Cookie in a strip mall where an organization, Pooches on the Move, shuttles adopted dogs up North to waiting families.  It is like if Jeff Daniels from Dumb and Dumber ran the Underground Railroad. We arrived early, got some Burger King (“new me, new body” lasted 21 hours in 2016), and then waited in the parking lot (it felt more like I was waiting for a meeting with Waingro in Heat, than for a dog).  Then a large van approached at 10:20 pm and numerous people emerged from cars in this parking lot.  We all made our way over and, yes it was the van!  Now Olivia (YOUR NAME IS COOKIE!) was on the van for approximately 14 hours so when she came out she was excited, freaked out… and went to the wrong couple.  Yes, the woman in the van walked her over to the wrong people and they had a look like “we didn’t order this” so I asked one of the van women “Is that Olivia (YOUR NAME IS COOKIE – *whip*)?” And she said yes.  So already I missed that initial moment of joy of greeting Olivia (YOUR NAME IS COOKIE *whip* (tears)). Just proving she was a woman of ill repute from the south, thirsty for anyone to pet her.  Well, I took her leash anyway because I am a good man (like when Smith Jared hugged Samantha in Sex and the City, even after she had just gotten plowed by Richard the Gap-Toothed Hotel guy, while Smith was at the hotel waiting for her) and I jogged her around the strip mall before getting her into the back seat of the car.

So far she has sh*t twice inside my apartment, but she is on a 2 sh*ts in a row outside streak, which I hope will continue until one of us dies (I have Cookie in my apartment death pool, which may explain why she keeps telling me to eat more cookies), although she has yet to piss outside.  And a quick note to the makers of wee wee pads – either they aren’t “super absorbent” or my dog urinates the same stuff that dripped from the Alien’s mouth in Alien.  As expected she has nothing but happiness for my girlfriend and mixed feelings for me (I told her, I don’t care how they got down in Kentucky trailer parks, but she can’t get on or in my bed).  She is also terrified of fire engines to the point that this morning (Sunday – Jan 3) she forced her way out of her leash and sprinted one full avenue faster than I could ever run, even in college when I was playing basketball (I have since adjusted her leash to”Almost Eric Garner” level). The good news is that she ran right to my door and waited for the doorman to let her in.  The bad news is that she is fu*king crazy.  Maybe in Kentucky fire departments shoot dogs of color and she doesn’t want to be about that life.  Silver lining she is the fastest and strongest 40 lbs dog I have ever met – so if Petco offers doggy cross fit classes please let me know. At least if she reforms her whorish ways with exercise she won’t turn into one of those enlightened “spiritual” chicks.

Oh well, here is to the birth of a new friendship, new levels of stress and happiness and me having to say no to the 1.8 road gigs I am on pace to get this year.  Here is a pictorial history of Cookie in case you are illiterate and don’t enjoy reading the best comedy writing since Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain.

Cookie when she was moved to AGK. Her coat was nasty as hell
Patchy and terrified is how she looked when arriving in Tennessee
After some eating and medical attention she started to look a little better and cuter
After weeks in foster care (and getting spayed) she was starting to look very healthy

 

This is Cookie in the car leaving with us. Hey – why the terrified look again??!!

 

And this is Cookie on her bed in her new home. God help us all.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

The Top Ten Righteous Prick Episodes of 2015

Since it is the last week of the year it is time for me to remind old fans that there were actually some episodes of my podcast worth listening to, and to enlighten recent additions to the fan base that there were some great episodes of my podcast this year you may have missed – thus giving you reasons to stick with it in 2016 (and hopefully bring new fans into the fold because this linear growth over the last 4 years is not getting anyone paid – I NEED EXPONENTIAL!).  Podomatic links are included (all episodes are archived there, but going forward subscribing on iTunes is the best way to listen). So without further adieu, these are the ten episodes you should listen to if you have not already:

10) Episode 173 – All Things Comedy with Josh Homer – for loyal listeners of the podcast, Josh Homer is a comedian who has emerged as a sort of comedy life coach for me over the last several years.  As usual he offers sound advice and comedy insights that always make for some of the most listened to episodes of any year.  Listen to the episode here

9) Episode 196 – Comedy Fam – This was one of my best solo episodes for everything people either love or hate about the solo episodes – lots of manic impressions, honesty about hypocrisy in comedy and heartfelt praise for supporters of the podcast, in particular The Black Guy Who Tips podcast.  Listen to it here

8 ) Episode 206 – The 4 Rs of the Republican Party – Several topics are touched on in this episode, but the second half is my discussion of what I think Trump and Obama tell us about America in 2015 and I think you will at least find it interesting if nothing else. Listen to it here

7) Episode 190 – Bernie’s Life Matters with The Black Guy Who Tips – To discuss why the Black Lives Matter movement was going so hard after Bernie Sanders I brought in the man who started the trending hashtag #BernieSoBlack, Rod of The Black Guy Who Tips for a funny and then engaging discussion.  On a non-episode related note no one has done more to help build my fan base in the last few years then Rod.  So give a listen to this episode here

6) Episode 161 – Kendrick Lamar with Chris Lamberth – Normally we discuss movies, but this fun tour through 2015 rap as I try to figured out why Kendrick Lamar is the king of rap despite having music that largely sounds poetry slamming with non-catchy beats (my opinion) is probably the best stuff Chris and I have done on my podcast. Check it out here

5) Episode 193 – We Aren’t Going to Make It with Rob Maher – While on the road I recorded this episode with one of only two headliners to ever ask to have me work with them (the other being Patrice O’Neal – so this guy is either in good company or going to die soon) and it is a great and honest talk about doing comedy when it appears your break may never come.  The sound on this episode is not great, but it is still definitely worth a listen.  Check it out here

4) Episode 170 – Fast and Furious with Brandon Collins – On this episode I pledged to go on a one week marathon of all 7 Fast and Furious films.  This episode is one of the most purely fun episodes, if not the most fun, of the year.  Come for the movies, stay for my impression of F & F techno music.  Listen here

3) Episode 181 – Making the Bed and Cutting Your Losses – On this episode (which was part of a streak of well regarded solo episodes where I got very personal on many matters while discussing my comedy mortality) I make a comparison of my comedy career to Apollo Creed that I think makes the episode worth listening to by itself.  Take a listen here

2) Episode 183 – The Origin Story of J-L Cauvin – For anyone who has ever wondered why I talk about quitting comedy so much, but have yet to pull the trigger this is the episode that goes back into my basketball career and my family life to explain.  Listen here

1) Episode 200 – Politics, Religion and Comedy with Mike Payne – For the second year in a row (I think), Mike Payne is the guest from the #1 episode of the year. Perhaps it is our similar background religiously, our similar political beliefs (with Mike more well versed than me) or our similar bitterness towards stand up comedy, but these episodes are always fun and thought provoking and I knew after we recorded this one that it would probably be #1.  Listen to this one here or his other two appearances, which easily could have both been in the top 10 as well, Episode 188 – Rusty Trump or Episode 164 – 50 Shades of Feminism)

Thanks to all my guests (including the Mt Rushmore of guests: Rod, Josh, Chris and Mike) and all the listeners and subscribers who stuck with the show through some low episodes and low moments. Hopefully newer listeners will catch up on these episodes and follow through 2016. Happy New Year

The Top 5 (JL) Sketches of 2015!

The end of another year brings with it many things, but none more important than the variety of lists I will release on my unpaid media empire.  I have made several sketch videos this year and because of social media metrics, lack of interest and just general business failure you may not have seen some or all of these.  I hope you enjoy the list and will subscribe to the channel and share your favorite(s) or the whole list with friends and fans.  Next year promises more good stuff (some already written and on January 1st I get a dog, which means I will be able to force her to be in pet-centered sketches and movie reviews), but for your enjoyment at the holidays here are the Top 5 of 2015:

5) Tim Cook – a parody of Aaron Sorkin’s Steve Jobs’ biopic.

4) Joel Osteen’s Lost Sermon – this impression and parody of Megachurch Pastor Joel Osteen has generated my most dislikes this year as well as defensive comments from Osteen defenders

3) 12 Years A Bringer – a cinematic tour de force linking slavery and the scourge of bringer shows in stand up comedy

2) Donald Trump debates Bernie Sanders about Black Jedis

1) Ken Burns’ Comedy: Episode 1 – I did a lot of obscure voice over impressions on this one, but as a Ken Burns’ fan I most enjoyed and am most proud of this video above all others this year:

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

Weekend Comedy Recap – Sick in Saratoga

This weekend I had, what appears to be my final gig of 2015, in Saratoga Springs, NY. And like the race horses that have run there, my career has been begging to be euthanized.  On top of that general malaise, I also was (and still am) in the midst of the worst cold I have had in many years.  But it was with the warrior’s determination of a vagrant participating in a bum fight that I boarded the PATH train to Hoboken to meet up with Usama and Dan, another comedian on the show and the show’s producer, respectively, to ride up to Saratoga.  Usama, who turns out was going to go to medical school before discovering comedy, or as I call it, “the poor man’s def poetry”, showed off his brains and wit quickly, as he pick 6’d one of my jokes in our initial conversation (a “pick 6” is a term I coined for when a comedian telegraphs his (sigh… or her) punchline so badly that were it a football pass you could intercept it and take it in for a touchdown.  In this case it felt more like I had been picked off by Richard Sherman or Darrel Revis (like when I anticipated a Bill Burr punchline correctly at MSG – sometimes a brilliant comedic mind can make a great play without it being the QB/joke teller’s fault).  In my case, Usama and I were looking at the Freedom Tower from Hoboken (a Bangladeshi man named Usama and a bi-racial Egyptian-looking giant surveying the Freedom Tower from New Jersey – I am scared and angry that we weren’t profiled) and I said, telling him it was a joke (instead of being one of the comedians who pretends like his organic conversation just naturally morphs into well constructed bits), that it is a good thing we didn’t have cell phone cameras on 9/11 because nothing would have been worse – and he interrupted me and said “People shouting world star as the towers fell!”  And at that moment I realized either I am losing my fastball or Usama is a sharp dude/comedian.  Needless to say both my comedic instincts and my self preservation instincts compel me to choose the latter.

So Dan showed up shortly after Usama and I met and we got into Dan’s Subaru. Dan is Italian, but also has a Mediterranean skin tone that could easily be construed as Middle Eastern, so basically we had a sleeper cell headed to Saratoga, with much worse funding.  Usama fell asleep in the backseat for just about the entire ride up, which allowed me to eat horribly at rest stops without the skinny dude body shaming me. #DoveSoapAd

We arrived at the venue, The Parting Glass Pub, at around 7, just in the nick of time for the 915pm start time.  There were just as many headhsots of horses as there were of entertainers, or maybe Tony Robbins used to do comedy.  I sat in a half coma sounding like Stephen Hawking with a stuffy nose, hacking like I was in the last stages of Ebola, which allowed me the isolation I needed to prep for my set.  The show went really well with Usama really impressing me (he did use the “soul bounce”, generally saved for black comics in all white rooms (trademark pending), to point out he was a real outlier compared to the crowd, whose racial makeup was somewhere between albino and bleach, but his set was really great).  I did well with my 40 minute set (my timer after read “40:07” which proves that even when sick I am a well-oiled machine of struggling comedy) despite my cold and the local guy taping the show was nice enough to tell me he was a huge fan of my appearances on The Adam Carolla Show.  Basically this was like Jordan’s flu game against the Utah Jazz, but for upstate NY comedy shows.

We then departed back for Hoboken, stopping just once at a Roy Rodgers where I got a burger and fries just to ensure that death would come swiftly. We arrived in Hoboken at 3:00 am and Usama took the PATH back to the city.  I got home at 3:45 and celebrated a good show with a chipwich and 4 hours of sleep.  For one little show the money was good, though I did the math and if I had simply worked on my legal assignment for the entire time I spent on the Saratoga trip I would have made triple the money.  When you are willing to sacrifice comfort and money for comedy that is a sign of dedication to your craft.  Or a sign of masochism.  Either way, looks like that is the last road update of 2015.  Thanks for the least productiv & least lucrative year of comedy road work for me in 7 years comedy biz! #Blessed

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

Weekend Comedy Recap: FInally, J-L Has Come Back to…

This weekend took me to Bethlehem, Pennsylvania – birthplace of Jesus Christ and high school football location of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  Well, major events happen in threes, so you can officially add my stand up performance to that historic duo.   I was scheduled to headline a 7pm show at Broadway Social and because of my extensive fan base (consisting almost exclusively of friends from college and law school) I knew I would have 2-10 “fans” in the crowd.  To get to Bethlehem I had to take Transbridge bus line (“I took Transbridge bus to get here, so I guess now buses can identify as whatever they want in this post Kaitlyn Jenner world” was my first joke on stage and it bombed), which is all part of my “Not Even Good Enough For a Greyhound Depot” Comedy Tour of America.  At only 3 hours, the bus ride was not quite long enough to cripple my bum knees, but I still had a limp for about a half hour after arriving in Bethlehem.

When I arrived I was greeted by my buddy Scott, Scott’s brother and a friend of theirs.  It was also confirmed that many years ago I coined a term called “Weinberg” that has become very popular in their circles in Bethlehem.  Like many funny things I have forgotten I told Scott that whenever someone tries to shift blame on someone out of nowhere it is like when Col. Nathan R Jessup in A Few Good Men asks Daniel Caffey who’s going to protect the country, “You (Caffey?)” *turning unexpectedly to Kevin Pollack’s character with a hint of Antisemitism “YOU Lt Weinberrrggg?”  So at some point in my storied career of unpaid humor I referred to someone as totally “Weinberging” someone. And for many years that has become a thing in Bethlehem, PA. #Legend

When we arrived at Broadway Social I saw that it was a pretty nice bar/lounge so I took in the surroundings, went over my notes for what I wanted to do on stage and set up my camera that I lugged from NYC.  After several local comedians went up I went up and had a very strong set.  The lounge had a clear VIP lounge area for private parties or something so it got a huge laugh when I said after a sort of dirty bit got less laughs than others “Oh please we are in a club with a VIP rape room right over there!  So don’t act too uptight when you know that visiting stripper porn stars probably come here to fu*k who ever is the important business man in Bethlehem.”  I was extremely happy with the set and knew that I had at least 2-3 quality YouTube clips ready from the set.  On top of that I also was paid $5 more than the agreed upon payment.  So let that be a lesson to you young comics – if you do things right, work hard and professionally you will reap tremendous, unexpected benefits.

Sometimes your talent and height are too big for a normal spotlight.

After the show I went back with Scott to his house, but his three kids and wife were at the in-laws, which led to two benefits: a late night viewing of John Wick on HBO and a free child’s twin bed for me to sleep in (I think I secretly hoped that Scott’s family would arrive before I woke up just for the potential Goldilocks/Home Alone level humor of a 4 year old finding a giant in his bed.  Of course it probably ends with the child standing his ground and killing me in a perfectly legal shoot (especially considering my black father/ISIS eyebrows), but still pretty funny.

The next morning, before catching the transbus (Its momma named it bus, I’ma call it bus!), I was asked to stand as Godfather to Scott’s youngest child (After Mel Gibson and Stephen Colbert I might be the third most famous Catholic in entertainment).  I then slapped him and told him he should act like a man!  So, just another typical road comedy gig for me – bus travel, lucrative cash bonuses and providing spiritual guidance.  And then I got home and accidentally deleted the set from Friday night. #Blessed

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

Weekend Comedy Recap: Casino Normal

I was at the Mohegan Sun in Wilkes Barre, PA this weekend, so I guess my Cal Ripken-esque gig-less streak has been broken, but rest assured I am a fierce competitor and am committed to starting a new streak this week.  I love the Mohegan Sun gig because you always get a great room, and it is like a mini-legit casino (the title is supposed to be a James Bond pun on Casino Royale, since the new Bond film opened this week). The comedy club is nice and I have generally done well so nothing to fret.  I will just give you a few small highlights before sharing some clips of new bits that went well over the weekend (FYI – this is going up on a Sunday because Monday will be the all out blitz for my Trump-Sanders-Obama video – this week’s podcast will go up Wednesday instead of Tuesday:

  • Jokes about every group went well except one: women. Now I made jokes about big women, but this line, that attacked women’s overall role as financial beneficiaries on dates, fell flatter than anything I said all weekend: “Valentine’s Day is sort of weird – in honor of boyfriends and husbands paying for dinner all year, they should pay more money for extra date – that is a weird way of saying thanks to us. I mean do you ask your Mom to cook you an extra special breakfast when it’s Mother’s Day?” – It felt like Daffy Duck following Bugs Bunny on stage. Crickets.
  • Got to earn extra loot by doing a firehouse gig before Saturday’s show.  Took my first Uber ride and despite making 2 wrong turns the guy still asked for a 5 star review.  I was leaning 4 stars, but the guy was an African immigrant living in Donald Trump-loving Pennsylvania country so before he gets shot by police or chased out of town by a mob I figured I could give him a charity 5 stars.
  • Got paid in cash for all my shows and some Uber reimbursement, but still managed to walk by all the tables without plopping it down and seeing if I could leave with headliner money.  So thanks to my caution I still have cell phone, Con Ed and health insurance money for the month. What I am saying is that I am a rock star.
  • OK, so without further adieu here are 3 bits from this weekend that I am very proud of. Hope you enjoy them, share them and subscribe to the channel:
Big Girl Selfies
Magnum Depends

Utility Son

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

 

Why We Should Treat the Girl Scouts Like Old…

Yesterday I went to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and it was every bit as awesome as I hoped.  As if blessed by the comedy gods I ended up lining up in an aisle seat (about a 1 in 20 chance) so I could stretch my Wounded Knees (my Native American name and condition) and had a great time.  The band was great (though seeing the tambourine player break his tambourine because he was “feeling the pretentious musical spirit” too much was pretty fun and Colbert was tremendous.  Missed Bryan Cranston as guest by a day, but Daniel Craig the week of a new James Bond film is not too shabby.  So, while I wish I could provide more details and emotions about the big day something much more pressing emerged in my life that I need to talk about.

The Food Emporium near my apartment (along with the whole Food Emporium franchise) is closing and it makes me sad.  In a city where neighborhoods don’t exist in the old sense (my old neighbors are nice, but then they die, and everyone under 40 appears to be buried in their phone and be uncomfortable with acknowledging another human being), the supermarket, along with pubs and diners are the only place to feel like familiar faces and smiles still exist in making Manhattan feel even slightly like a community.  Well the silver lining of the Food Emporium closing is that there are big sales on all items, including cookies.  However, all the Nabisco, Entenmann’s and Pepperidge Farm products were very quick to go.  By the time I went for my Cookie Looting Keebler was the only major brand still available in bulk.  Not only are Chips Deluxe incredible (flour, a stick of butter and chips per cookie), but there were tons of them left.  But then I noticed large stacks of cookies called Coconut Dreams.  My date to the Food Emporium (taking a chick for a Fage yogurt and ziploc bags is not so much my “Netflix and chill” as it is my “steak dinner and vacation” – times are lean with my comedy bookings/income) then said words that may echo the death knell to the cartel of cookies known as the Girl Scouts (ahem – cisgender girl scouts as they may later in life identify as something other than girls/women – WAKE UP CISGENDER GIRL SCOUTS – IT IS 2015!):

“Aren’t those Samoas?”

 

Much like the earthquake that sounded when Jesus Christ took his last breath, all sound stopped when I heard this question.  As you can see from the picture on the package, they are awfully similar to Samoas, so coupled with the discount being offered I bought a package of them.  25 minutes later the package of Samoas masquerading as Coconut Dreams was gone, vanquished to my belly, the same way the Girl Scouts’ monopoly was vanquished.

They are identical to Samoas, the cost less per package and there is no office guilt to support your co-worker’s daughter, who cannot even be bothered to make the sale attempt herself, and no wait time (if you are going to make the argument that I can order them on-line).  Samoas are the best cookie, possibly ever, and now, like Palm Pilot and Blockbuster video the antiquated and lazy monopoly of the Girl Scouts is over.  However, there is a problem:

The Girls Scouts are not old black men.

Yes, you read that correctly.  In our culture black people are stolen from constantly, from their bodies to their physical attributes to their artistic contributions. But stealing the inventions of black people, men especially, is part of American tradition.  But stealing from little girls, especially white girls, is pretty much the exact opposite – it is never done and almost certainly Keebler would be treated like Elvish Hitler if these cookies become more widely known.  That is why, in a Matthew McConnaughey-esque, A Time to Kill moment, we must imagine that the Girl Scouts are old black musicians.  Now, instead of thinking of the Girl Scouts as chaste angels worth our protection, think of them as old black blues singers that are road bumps on the way to our favorite white musical heroes!  No one wants to buy cookies from Muddy Waters, especially when the white Keebler Led Zeppelins rock so much better!

So go to a supermarket and buy yourself some Samoas – I mean some Coconut Dreams – the tasty white shreds from the old brown casing – HOW SYMBOLIC! They are delicious.  And someone informed me on Facebook that I was years behind in this discovery, but sometimes it takes a blogger/comedian of huge relevance to make it known to the wider public. You are welcome world.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

Time Magazine’s 2015 Person of the Year: The Scared…

This year there has been no shortage of big stories, controversies and entertainment and it would seem that Time’s board would have a tough task choosing its 2015 Person of the Year.  There’s news makers like Pope Francis, Vladimir Putin and President Obama to name a few.  There’s Lin Manuel Miranda, whose Hamilton on Broadway is basically what would happen if Alexander Hamilton re-wrote Biggie’s Ready to Die about his own life, but without Puff Daddy “uh-huh”-ing throughout.  There’s Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders, both of whom have shaken up their respective ends of the political world.  But I think at this point the person of the year should be clear.  2015’s person of the year has been overdue for a few years, but now with the ascendancy of Donald Trump and the success of Jurassic World, this year’s person of the year must be:

the scared white person.

Exhibit A – Donald Trump

No one has given voice to the scared white person, and has allowed them to flex their collective muscle like Donald Trump.  He became a front runner, with remarkable staying power considering his lack of substance and our collective ADD, on the strength of demonizing Mexican immigrants and touting his own vague prowess at everything.  And his nearest challenger is from Dr. Ben Carson, a man who finally started to climb the polls by criticizing shooting victims and demonizing his brown people of choice, Muslims.

 

Exhibit B – Jurassic World

No movie hit bigger in 2015 than Jurassic World, which is now a top five grossing film of all time.  I thought it was much more Jurassic Parks 2 & 3, than it was the excellent original, but pretty white people running from dinosaurs was enough to destroy even The Avengers (confident white people/superheroes not as popular this year).

 

Exhibit C – More Mass Shootings, Less Gun Control

Scared people (probably of all races, but come on…) had to deal with a few more mass shootings in 2015 and as usual found comfort in boosting gun sales to combat their fear of being victims… not of being shot (then gun control might be their preferred approach), but of having the scary black president taking unprecedented action and “Taykin’ they guns!!!!”

Exhibit D – Ashley Madison hack

Nothing sent shock waves throughout the white male community like the Ashley Madison hack.  As we learned from the (edited) viral street harassment video, men of color don’t need a secretive website to holler at women.

Exhibit E – Benjamin Netanyahu 

Exhibit F – Unreasonably nervous 911 callers continue to get black people shot  

Watching the video today of the police officer brutally assaulting a misbehaving black girl in her classroom reminded me of something – many of the cases involving shot/murdered unarmed black people by law enforcement involve a call to police from a nervous (white) person. At least in the classroom case it was a nervous (but more likely annoyed) black person calling on the police (the teacher), but the result was the same: a black person violated at the hands of a police officer.  But in so many of the cases in the last few years I always wonder “what scared white person reported this?”  Because in all fairness to the cops, even the ones who have taken excessive action, I have to assume getting a call from 911 saying “there’s a (black) guy with a gun” will heighten the officer’s tension and preparation for danger, more than a call less soaked in fear (or, obviously, if a call never comes).  But in reality the officer was just doing physically what one-half of Republican primary voters have been supporting from Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson verbally – the abuse of people of color.  So for all these reasons, both serious and humorous, Time’s 2015 Person of the Year is the Scared White Person.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

Steve Jobs Films Have A Serious Diversity Problem

This weekend I saw Steve Jobs, the latest film examining the life of the personally flawed visionary who led Apple at various times in the last 30 years.  There have been documentaries about Jobs as well as feature films starring Ashton Kutcher and more recently, Michael Fassbender.  Jobs was obviously an important figure in the world and in American pop culture and his story is worth telling, but the real question is why, in 2015, must Steve Jobs continue to be played by white men exclusively, especially since his father was Syrian?  It is just the latest, and perhaps most egregious example of Hollywood’s overwhelming bias towards white men.  Late night television continues to be dominated by them (though Trevor Noah and Larry Wilmore may represent a positive shift in one direction at least) and the recent comments concerning Idris Elba playing James Bond are also a good example of how much progress is still left.  But it is time for Hollywood to begin seeing Steve Jobs in a different way. So what if he looked mostly Caucasian; Jobs implored the world to “think different” in the late 1990s and we would be wise to heed his advice.  So here is a list of men, women and trans persons who would be great choices for the next Steve Jobs film:

1) Amy Poehler and Tina Fey – every time any opening for any show or role comes up it seems these two get mentioned so why not start with them.  Admittedly they have had little commercial success on their own and Fey, especially, has proven most skilled as a writer post SNL, but those are small details.  Yes, Steve Jobs was one person and Poehler and Fey are technically two people, but they are a package deal and if they can host the Golden Globe Awards then I am certain that playing the role of a solitary white man is within their skill set.

 

2) Steve Harvey – the man broke the white ceiling on game show hosting with his brilliant turn on Family Feud has terrible luck with women, having been divorced three times.  But Steve Jobs also had terrible luck with women and was also good at giving people advice (in technical realms), while lacking those skills himself, the same way Harvey does with relationship advice.  It would be a brave, but also perfect choice to have Harvey play Jobs.  And a 6 button mock turtle neck would modernize the Jobs’ look.

 

3) Michael Pena – Latinos are the fastest growing demographic in the United States and yet, not one actor or actress has been even considered for Steve Jobs.  Well Pena has proven adept at drama and comedy and Jobs’ was one-half person of color (1/2 Syrian) so it is actually offensive that Pena has not played him yet.

 

4) Chelsea Handler – the bravest 38 or 52 year old woman in Hollywood, Handler has long been overlooked for things and the time is now for her to be considered.  She is a fearless pop culture commentator in the mold of comedy legend Kathy Griffin and she has had enough sex and empowering experiences with men to know how to play a man perfectly in a film.

 

5) Laverne Cox – Black. Trans. 2015. Steve Jobs.  I don’t think I need to write any more. Wake up America.

 

6) Carly Fiorina – when her bid to become president fails officially I would love to see Fiorina play Jobs. She was also a tech CEO forced out for fu*king up and she had Cancer.  What better method acting prep would she need, other than actually breaking through with a success story? Well perhaps being cast as Steve Jobs would be that victorious epilogue she needs.

 

 

7) Michael Strahan – if Jobs doesn’t have to be white, or male, then why does he have to be unlikable too?  Strahan has been like a friendly black St Bernard that America has trusted with their entertainment and their small blond white women.  So now it is time to let the black Mario Lopez have a shot at the iconic Steve Jobs.

 

So let’s hope it doesn’t take Hollywood too much longer to wake up. It shouldn’t take another Steve Jobs’ visionary to see that Steve Jobs’ cannot be played by white men forever.

For more opinions, comedy and bridge burning check out the Righteous Prick Podcast on iTunes and/or STITCHER. New Every Tuesday so subscribe for free!

Weekend Comedy Recap: Fire and Rain at the Hoboken…

This past Friday I had a gig that might be summarized as the perfect gig for me.  I was part of the Hoboken Comedy Festival (obscure comedy gig – check!) taking place at a movie theater (movie venue – check!) in a comedy competition of roasting/saying cruel jokes about another comedian (cruelty/trolling/insults – check!).  I was slated to go against Dan Frigolette, the founder of the festival.  So in preparation, I ended up listening and watching over 10 hours of on-line content in the two weeks before the roast to obtain any small fact or stories I could to cultivate a killer set of roast jokes.  The battle could not have gone better.  I won all three rounds and objectively had the best set of anyone involved in the show.  At one point I felt like Drago verbally beating Apollo to death in Rocky IV.  A highlight for me (other than getting paid $50 because I just assumed it was in keeping with my career of unpaid greatness) was having one of the judges of the competition, comedian Robert Kelly, tell me that I did a great job and also that he then realized I was the guy behind the Comedy Academy web series and told me that he loved the Dane Cook, Louis CK and (especially) the Gary Gulman impressions.   Felt good to get some validation from a big time comic.  Of course I anticipate this translating into zero dollars and zero club spots.  Before getting to the bigger stories of the night here are the jokes I used to win. Enjoy:

  • Dan says he gets mistaken for many different races.  Sorry to break it to you Dan, but “rapey douchebag” is not a race
  • Dan has been on a comedy tour called “The Best Kept Secret Tour”.  But the secret is out – you’re a terrible comedian
  • Dan admitted to keeping a photo log of all his hook ups.  He’s like a sexual version of Memento – he constantly has to remind himself that he is a scumbag.
  • Dan started doing comedy in 2001, a year of another American tragedy as well.  Not only does he look like he could be the 20th hijacker, but his comedy has lasted 14 years. 9/11 had the decency to only be one day.
  • Dan has 18 subscribers on YouTube, but he has only been on YouTube for 9 years so the jury is still out.  His on-line content is like kiddie porn, except more uncomfortable and with a lot fewer fans.
  • Dan’s big credit is that he appeared on the Artie Lange show – making heroin track marks the 2nd worst thing to appear on Artie Lange
  • Dan teaches improv classes for kids, so If you ever wondered “is there anything worse than Improv?” there is being taught improv by Dan Frigolette while he tries to fu*k your mom.
  • Dan appeared on the HBO show Boardwalk Empire, but only lasted a few episodes because he was deemed too unfunny to star in a show about murder and corruption.
  • On a podcast interview Dan claimed to masturbate 6 times a day.  With all that time spent jerking off it is quite impressive that he still manages to find time to be irrelevant
  • Dan says that his favorite sound is the sound of someone trying to hold in a laugh.  His least favorite sound is someone telling him what the definition of trying actually is
  • Dan’s favorite comedians are Louis CK and Bill Cosby.   One has been rumored to make women watch him masturbate and the other is a serial rapist.  Just imagine how much Dan will like them once he starts listening to their comedy!
  • Dan said he would try porn but he is afraid to do porn because he could be tempted to do gay porn if the money was good enough.  Breaking news from the Hoboken Comedy Festival – for for a case of Axe body spray Dan will suck your dick on camera.
  • Dan once wondered on a podcast “what if women found it sexy for men to taste their own cum?”  Women responded: “If you taking your own cum in your mouth would stop you from telling your jokes, then yes it’s a turn on”

So after I went up the main event featured two other comedians roasting each other, but it turned out they were a mix of drunk (I think) and unprepared, so they began to riff and roast the room.  Things were going OK (I think the burning embers of my performance were still making things difficult) until the comics turned their attention to a man who looked like a smaller, lighter skinned Richard Sherman.

I could not hear all that went on, but it seemed they wanted to engage the audience member in roasting – he launched some insults (called one comic a “milk dud head” and called the other comic garbage, but then after some more chatter I heard Light Sherman yell “ask your mom about my big dick motherfu*ker!”) At that point in comedy, when things get testy (PUN) with an audience member two things are possible – event staff remove him or, because it sort of happened at the comedians’ prompting, use humor to diffuse the situation and move on.  Neither of those things happened. Instead one comic elevated the hostility with a lot of “shut the fu*k up”s and “get the fu*k out of here motherfu*ker”s.  Granted one of the ways Light Sherman defended himself was with “I got 30,000 followers on Instagram!” which definitely deserved to be mocked, but he also said in the stream of expletives “y’all are wasting my money” (tickets were $20, though my performance was worth at least $25 by itself), which may have been valid considering that he was just being told to “shut up motherfu*ker”, which would feel like a poor usage of $20.  At this point I started to feel sort of bad for Light Sherman (I always assume the defense of comics in situations like this, but it felt like both sides elevated the situation to where both parties were wrong). He had  his girlfriend or wife with him, who was embarrassed by his antics and was probably the biggest factor in getting him to leave peacefully, but it felt like the largely white crowd was just petrified of the angry black man at this point, even though he never got physical and was definitely insulted outside the bounds of humor at least as much as he responded in kind.  He ended up leaving and the show ended without law enforcement.

After the show, I was was surprised by a buddy from law school, Jim, (once again law school always giving me the most consistent support for my comedy career) and went to a bar with his buddies after.  After getting complimented and doing my Donald Trump impression I went out in a cold storm to catch the bus to NYC (the PATH train, which seems to shut down anytime the weather veers from 68 and sunny, was shut down due to weather).  I reached the corner across from the bus stop and saw the bus there.  I got into the middle of the street and waved the bus down before it pulled out but it didn’t matter – he left.  Apparently he did not know that I was a Comedy Roast Battle Champion.  Well, turns out it was the last bus of the night (hey dude – if it is a hurricane, the train is shut down and you are the last bus of the night, try not to be a dick next time).

So I ran back to the bar to catch my buddy who would be heading back to the city later.  I reached the bar freezing and drenched and the bouncer informed me the bar was closed and I could not re-enter (the bar was a small neighborhood corner pub, not some douchey club FYI).  I said my friends were in there and I missed the last bus so he told me he would tell them (I didn’t want to flex my muscle and tell the guy I was a roast champion – no need to humiliate him for his obvious oversight).  He came back a minute later and said they were closing their tab and finishing their round and they would be out.

28 minutes later my buddy Jim emerged and we got in his Uber back to the city.  For those of you wondering why I didn’t get a cab home – cabs from Hoboken to the city are always insultingly expensive and I did not want to spend the lion’s share of my surprise $50 on a cab (and I don’t have Uber on my phone – UNION MAN).  So I got home around 3:15 am and went to sleep a champion. #Blessed