Blog

(My epic gripe/concern about Twitter & Facebook must be delayed)

Last night I finished second in the New York Comedy Contest.  I am automatically entered into the Boston Comedy Festival, which I have been accepted into5 times in the last 5 years so you can imagine my relief.  In terms of tangible benefits I do not have to pay the $35 entrance fee, which is good, except I did pay a $35 entrance fee for the New York Comedy Contest so I sort of break even.

The Finals took place at the Times Square Arts Center in front of a packed crowd of 60 people (including the 6 judges, 12 comics and waitresses, one of whom looked like she still thought the location was a strip club, much to the chauvinistic amusement of the all male lineup of awkward comedians, a/k/a me).

I had a good set last night and I caught a glimpse of the winners list before it was announced.  My first reaction was: “Oh sh*t! I saw my name!”  My reaction 1.5 seconds later – “Fu*k there was a name above mine.” That name was Jim Tews, who oddly enough I met for the first time a few weeks ago in Cleveland, where he hails from.

When I saw him before the show I told him I did not remember his name and he said likewise.  After the show he came up to me and said, “Now you’ll remember my name motherfu*ker!”  (That’s not true, but that is what I would have done to him if I had won).  Jim won $2500.  I won a $35 coupon for the Boston Comedy Festival, which I paid $35 for.

Oddly enough I did not feel angry at all (and still don’t, which either shows an increasing maturity or apathy on my part).  And making me feel even better was seeing the Lakers lose to the Celtics when I got home last night.  A loss always feels better when you then see Kobe Bryant lose.  I am sure when Kobe got back to his hotel and checked Twitter he was equally pleased to see me lose.

Tonight is the Finals of the New York Comedy Contest.  Winner gets $2500.  And the top 3 finishers get automatic entrance into the Boston Comedy Festival (so if I finish top-3 I can save on my entrance fee, so I guess second and third place wins $35).  Loser gets to write a blog tomorrow about how much he hates comedy competitions.  Either way if you watch my comedy or read this blog you will be happy (although technically tomorrow I am supposed to write about Twitter and Facebook so let’s hope nothing weird happens tonight to derail that plan).

Show is at the Times Square Arts Center, which used to be the Laugh Factory, which I think used to be a strip club or they just kept a lot of the classy decor of early 1980s Times Square, sans semen stains.

The competition is scored on a few categories: material (I’ll be fine), stage presence (always good for me) and audience reaction (will be fine, but won’t expect a big crowd for me to begin with because a) it is the NBA Finals and unlike a lot of comedians I have a lot of friends who are into sports and b) my friends and acquaintances are basically now in the “let’s just wait to see if he actually becomes famous at this sh*t before we pass up happy hour to see a show.”).

But if you a) read this blog before 8 pm tonight, b) don’t like the NBA (but not in that racist “I don’t watch the NBA” way), c) enjoy comedy, and d) want to see me try and win money then come to the Times Square Arts Center (NW corner of 42nd and 8th Ave) at 8 pm.  If you even fit into this category you should comment on this blog (not you Mom).

Inspired by a discussion I had last night with another comic I have decided to dedicate each Friday to an over-the-top diatribe on things that annoy me.  Other days will continue to be random thoughts when I think of them randomly.

I wanted to watch Pardon The Interruption yesterday evening on ESPN and instead was treated to Women’s softball.  Per a discussion last night at my show at River Bar, which went well (and by “well” I mean it was the comedic equivalent of dying alone on a hospital bed with no family and no friends, writhing in pain) I believe it is time for ESPN to just develop ESPNW – a sports network dedicated to women’s sports so that I am not rudely surprised when I turn on the television looking for sports and instead find women’s sports (and it would probably knock off at least 23 cents on my cable bill).  To make an analogy I have made several times before – turning on ESPN when looking for sports and finding women’s sports is like finding an episode of Real Sex on HBO and instead of it being a segment on nymphomaniac, attractive female strippers, it is about a nudist colony for chubby people over the age of 70.  Disturbing and disappointing.

Now I am all for women and women’s equality.  I was raised in a household led by a strong woman (if she were black she would have been a “strong, black woman,” but I don’t think the phrase “strong, white woman” is a actual acceptable phrase outside of police descriptions.  I enjoy the company of women, both in relationships and naked on the Internet.  But equality can only go so far.  It is time to get women’s sports off of my television.  Now sports like gymnastics (the closest a young girl can ever come to experiencing the life of an abused altar boy) and figure skating make sense being televised because there is a different capacity than men in those sports.  They offer unique skills and outfits, except for the case of Johnny Weir.  But any other sport – golf, basketball, softball/baseball, soccer, tennis, running, speed walking, push ups, jumping jacks, etc. are just better done by men.

This is not a shot against Title IX – I think parents of girls should have just as much chance as parents of boys to not have to pay for their kids’ college education if they can play sports, but at some point it is time to say – welcome to the real world.  The same way I think it is important for strangers not to pretend to be impressed by every toddler they run into, just because that toddler’s parents are going “Can you say hello to the man?” and the kid mumbles something, so to is it important to not pretend that women’s professional sports have some intrinsic value.  In both cases you are merely deluding the other party.  It would be like if there were a television station dedicated to The Godfather films (even 3), but every 6 days they flood the station with The Last Don – CBS’ terrible original movie (also based on a Mario Puzo novel) starring Danny Aiello.

My Mom once said to me, when I was complaining about the WNBA, “If you had a daughter, wouldn’t you want them to be able to watch other women playing basketball really well?”  And I thought about it and realized I was not Chinese and could not offer her to sterile, white Americans for cheap so I said “yes.” But I’d really prefer them to want to watch the NBA because it is 1000 times better and I would not have to cringe for 2 hours watching a bunch of women my height executing the fundamentals of the game at 1/3 the natural speed.

The truth is all televised sports are just vehicles for advertisers and corporate America to reach consumers, and I am not saying women’s pro sports should not exist.  That is what YouTube is for – like those underground MMA fighters.  They can still compete, but I just don’t want it interrupting real sports and real sports news.

Next Friday – RIP messages on Facebook & Twitter

With the NBA Finals upon us and the end of the River Bar showcase (becoming a weekly open mic starting in July) I thought it would be a good time to announce the first and only All-Always Be Funny teams from both the River Bar and Village Lantern shows (criteria was crowd reaction, my reaction, difficulty of show (tilted heavily towards River Bar participants) and Paul The Bartender’s response if at River Bar).  But before getting to this I’d like to thank every comic that has appeared on my shows the last year. 

Now here comes a long comedy-sports analogy because I like both and know that 80% of comedians will not understand (so hopefully someone will be able to translate it into Marvel Comics language or something else that will compute)

1st Team

Yannis Pappas – The best performance at any show I ran this past year (July 2009-June 2010).  Granted it was at the Village Lantern which is like a Comedy Central Presents compared to half of the River Bar shows this past year, but it was a great performance that would have worked in a broom closet.  Killed it with a relentless energy and various pantomimes of sexual acts on stage.  I’m not sure there’s anyone tougher to follow in the city right now, but one of my favorites to watch. 

Rob O’Reilly– One of only a few comics to actually kill at River Bar when patronage was well down.  Also one of only 3 comics to earn an enthusiastic rating from Paul, the bartender at River Bar.

Helen Hong– ditto Rob O’Reilly – but was Paul the Bartender’s favorite comic.  One of the few comics to actually make multiple appearances at River Bar.

Rory Scovel – At a poorly attended show at River Bar, managed to save the show, by doing a 5 minute play by play of a playoff baseball game as if the pitcher’s inner monologue were a sensitive gay man. 

J-L Cauvin – if only for mere cumulative laughs from having been on every show sans one. And I am Paul the bartender’s 3rd favorite  comic.

2nd Team

Sean Donnelly – except for me, logged the most time at River Bar, which slowly became a torture chamber for comedy.  And despite this, SD was able to bully crowds into paying attention and eventually laughing. 

Matt Maragno– the Pau Gasol performance – great, but overshadowed historically by being on the same show as Yannnis Pappas (Kobe in this analogy with the same verbal aggression that Kobe has on the court and in Denver motels) on the same show.  Every resident of Gramercy should hear “Coffee and Cream” (and my use of the word “historically” above is limited to my memory of comedy shows I run)

Dave Lester– Unlike the NBA we had to wait until here to see our first full fledged black guy (also from the show with Maragno and Pappas).  Got an enthusiastic response from my friend John.  To put this in perspective, John once skipped a show of mine at a bar to go to a bar next door, just to avoid comedy.  So if he considered it worthy, then it was.

Jess Burkle– Saw this guy murder within his first months in comedy (which goes to show a Harvard degree and experience in acting can go a long way in making a comedian).  I was not present for his ABF performance, but word of mouth was very strong and having seen him kill in Hoboken at The Goldhawk (the ABA to ABF’s NBA) I have complete faith in this decision.

Mike Lawrence– strong set on a night that was almost derailed by an awkward Ray Combs Jr. vs. Joe DeRosa quasi-showdown.  It is also worth noting that Mike Lawrence just edged out Ray Combs Jr’s testicles which made a 20 second appearance on stage at the Village lantern.

Thanks again everyone – now come say goodbye to River Bar’s showcase THIS THURSDAY.  It will be a great show and followed by the Lakers-Celtics Game 1. So if you like comedy, hoops and comedy-hoops themed blogs then you should be there. It is free and the lineup is excellent.

This week my comedy career turns 7 years old.  On my real 7th birthday I got separated from my mother on the NYC subway system for about an hour, so I guess this week I will have to do the adult equivalent and fall asleep on a train for an hour, waking up in an unfamiliar neighborhood.

To prove how far I have come my first spot was at a Jazz Club open mic (Takoma Station Tavern) in D.C. where the host, a man named “Skeeba,” talked most notably about how “titty sweat” was like buttermilk.  Tonight I will perform 8 minutes at a pub near my house in NYC hosted by a female comedian who does not talk about titty sweat.  Dreams really do come true.

Happy Birthday Comedy Career.

Last week started out terribly with the sweeping of the Utah Jazz at the hands of the Los Angeles Lakers.  If you missed it I tweeted incessantly, which just compounded my sadness (but I still feel I am less sad than the people who tweet about the weather, their meals, and other mundane things – namely a majority of people on Facebook and Twitter).  But that was just the beginning of the week.  I then had to cancel my show Always Be Funny that Thursday because we had 6 comics, 1 bartender and three people sitting at the bar, two of which were openly against the show and one who is a regular at the bar and is usually a decent audience member, except the time she heckled Jon Fisch.

This would not have been so bad if the show I was scheduled to be on earlier that evening was not also cancelled.

So feeling like The Nothing from The Neverending Story, as shows were destroyed in my path, I took Friday off from comedy to go to the Bronx DA’s Office for my former bureau’s annual Yankee Game party.  It was a good event, especially since A-Rod hit a Grand Slam to put the Yankees ahead in the game late (let’s look at the two live sporting events I have attended this year – the game of the year so far in the NBA in Utah and a clutch grand slam from A-Rod against the Twins – it is as if God is telling me that I should quit comedy and just go to sporting events professionally).

Well, it was time to get back to the grind of comedy on Saturday – I had a show at O’Hanlon’s on 14th and 1st, which I learned upon arriving, was… you guessed it – cancelled!  Fortunately I was able to observe 4 white guys threatening to beat up a black guy so that was entertaining.  The four white guys looked like they might have been firefighters – not the heroes that women want to have sex with of course. No, these guys looked more like the crew-cut, Irish, raised in effectively all-white neighborhoods, voting Republican their whole lives, racist type of civil servants.  Those guys, not the heroes.  Now I have to allow for the possibility that they weren’t, but they looked the part anyway.  The black guy was a black Israelite, who are known for their congeniality and open mindedness, but this guys was quadruple teamed and they were throwing his property in the middle of the street, hitting cars and cyclists while doing it.  So I did what any former DA would do – I called the police.  I offered a very detailed description, but I made two mistakes – one – i Said I did not see a weapon.  Two – I said it was four white males attacking a black man (I was not dumb enough to say he was a black Israelite).  I waited 20 minutes, which the four Klansmen did as well, but the police never showed up.

A more effective call on my part might have been:

“Yes, I see four black men attacking a white woman!”

“Do they have weapons?”

“Yes, if you consider their large, angry black cocks weapons!  Hurry quick!”

I think the police would have been there quicker.

So that was the end of my bad week.  But with Sunday comes renewed optimism.

First I was shooting my new video.  The story is about black guy wants to date a daughter of a rabid Tea Party member and the agency that helps acclimate Tea Party members to ethnic boyfriends.  Of course, it started out poorly because one of the actors backed out at 10:07 am via text for an 11 am call time because he had to wait for furniture for his move with his girlfriend.  Sounds like a valid excuse, assuming people  move on 30 minutes notice and lack a nervous system.  So after setting a new volume record for how loudly I could yell fu*k, comedian Matt Maragno came to the rescue at the last minute and delivered laughs.  The shoot went well and it looked like the week was off to a great start.

It got even better when I got an offer yesterday to open for Jo Koy in Cleveland starting this Thursday and running through Sunday.  That means big crowds and payment of money for my jokes.  Of course, without eating for the 4 days I will only net a little over $100 for my efforts.

Tomorrow night I am making my tape for college submissions and I am confident that will go well.

So, in sum a bad week in my comedy life is witnessing a hate crime and going 3 for 3 in having shows get cancelled.  A good week, by contrast, is doing a YouTube video, netting $100 for half a week’s work and doing a bringer so I can one day entertain college kids, with diminishing social skills and emotional connections.  Like I have told friends – if you have a choice between your son or daughter being in gay snuff films or being a comedian, go with the snuff.

Sunday will be the start of a new week, but it begins with the season finale of Lost (a show that proves that like Dane Cook comedy, as long as you have a premise with no logical conclusion you can actually make millions, even if everything following the premise ranges between nonsense and stupidity) so I am not too confident in the prospects for a good week.

LeBron James should go to the New Jersey Nets, IF he leaves Cleveland, which he should not –

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=1499

But if he does leave Cleveland the New Jersey Nets should get LeBron (sorry Knick fans).  Here is why:

1) Unlike the Chicago Bulls, the Nets have no real star legacy (i.e. identifiable with one star), whereas the Bulls have the most identifiable star in team sports.  The six titles and the shadow of Jordan would almost guarantee that LeBron would have to settle for second best for his own team, regardless of how well he plays and how many titles his teams win, assuming he only wins 2 or 3 with Derrick Rose & Co.

Furthermore the Nets will be moving to Brooklyn, which will make him the equivalent of a Founding Father to the fracnhise.  And he’s friends with the minority owner (in percentage and race) Jay-Z.  But so is A-Rod so it can’t be that cool (I like A Rod, but I think he is a loser, not in the title winning sense, but just in a “dude, you are kind of a loser,” way).

2) The Nets new owner – Mikhail Prokhorov.  He is a Russian billionaire who will spare no expense.  Now there is a chance that the lap of luxury could create a team of coddled, lazy players who have the killer instinct Play Stationed and massaged out of them (if they ever had it) like Mark Cuban has with the Dallas Mavericks, but if he is willing to pay up to bring in top talent then it won’t really matter.  The Nets have the most cap room coming in to this new season (even more than the Knicks) and they have an owner who will not care about going over the salary cap if it means winning and creating a successful brand (and the Russian models and prostitutes on his private plane don’t like losers either).  So they have enough money to bring in another superstar to entice LeBron and still give LeBron max money.

3) Evan Turner – the Nets will probably draft Evan Turner, who most people think is the next Brandon Roy.  They may take John Wall, but they already have Devon Harris, who when healthy is an all-star level player at point guard.  That gives LeBron a much better backcourt than he has ever had in Cleveland.

4) Devon Harris and Brook Lopez.  Brook Lopez is already a top 5 center in the NBA at 21 years old.  Devon Harris (see above).  So before any free agents are even signed the Nets could potentially offer LeBron a point guard, a center and a shooting guard who have been or could be all be all stars in a couple of seasons.

5) Free agents.  The tricky part here is convincing a power forward to sign before LeBron signs, I think the Nets should make a big push for Chris Bosh (not sure if LeBron would want to play with Carlos Boozer given that he left town stabbing a blind man in the back and could have probably helped LeBron win a title in 2007).  If you are Chris Bosh, why not?  You still get to play with several very good players in the NYC area, which has to beat playing with several mediocre players in Toronto.

If winning matters to LeBron, as he says it does, how could a team built to win and only requiring LeBron at the small forward not be the most obvious place for him?  A starting lineup all under 30 all star level talent?  No weakness at any position.  I don’t think any other team will be in a position to give LeBron a better chance at a title than the Nets.

That said, if he leaves Cleveland there is something dick-ish about him.  But it would be forgiven because at least he would anger the thousands of slumbering Knick fans who are waiting to resume talking sh*t after a decade if he went to the Nets.

Next week I will get back to less sports centric- themes.  Have a nice weekend.

Being a Utah Jazz fan is starting to feel like being one of those monks that lit themselves on fire to protest Vietnam (isn’t that what’s on the cover of Rage Against The machine’s first album? – well one of those); it is a painful exercise that feels righteous.  The Jazz are on the eve of destruction – a possible sweep at the hands of the Los Angeles Lakers, an excellent (I won’t say great) team led by Kobe Bryant (Diet MJ) and Pau Gasol (the principle in the single biggest case of collusion I have ever seen in the NBA – as a recap The Lakers obtained Pau Gasol, a/k/a “The Big Llama” (my nickname) – a top 20 NBA player and one of the two most skilled low post scorers in the league – after Tim Duncan, from former Laker great Jerry West, then GM of the Memphis Grizzlies, who passed on basically getting every good player in the Chicago Bulls’ possession at the time, to accept, essentially, Kwame Brown’s expiring contract and Javaris Crittendon – now known as the Wyatt Earp to Gilbert Arenas’ Doc Holliday.).

But I digress.

This post is about the bittersweet joy of rooting for the Jazz.  The truth is the Jazz should lose to the LA Lakers.  The Lakers have the second best player on Earth right now, and terrific big men, which is the weakness for the Jazz defensively (with the exception of Michael Jordan it always has been).  The Jazz counter with one lottery pick on their roster, two other first rounders (one of which, Kosta Koufus, is  a project) and then a boatload of second round picks and NBDL refugees.

But that is the greatness of the Utah Jazz franchise.  People snicker and try to insult the Jazz franchise by making derogatory comments about Mormonism or the politics of the state of Utah, but to me there is no more inspiring and “only in America” embodying franchise in sports than the Utah Jazz.

Their legends are Karl Malone and John Stockton, two somewhat overlooked players when they entered the league, became Hall of Famers through sheer work ethic and basketball intelligence (and large hands in Stockton’s case and broad shoulders in Malone’s case).  The almost never missed games, they played hard and they excelled at the game.  The fact that they never won a championship is very bittersweet, but unlike other franchises, they never really gave Jazz fans reason to lose interest.  They provided great basketball and great effort for almost two decades.

After Stockton and Malone’s departures for retirement the Jazz endured a short dark period.  In fact the most remarkable season as a Jazz fan for me may have been when the Jazz missed the playoffs by a game or two with a record of 42-40 in the 2003-04 season with a starting lineup of… brace yourself…

Andrei Kirlienko

Carlos Arroyo

Greg Ostertag

Matt Harpring

DeShawn Stevenson

And the player with the next highest number of starts was Jarron Collins

In other words, in what should have been the dark days for the Utah Jazz with a starting lineup of one versatile, non-scoring all star (Kirilenko), a solid 6th man type player (Harpring), a serviceable point guard (Arroyo), an underachieving soon-to-be journeyman (Stephenson) and two big men who had no business in the NBA (especially the atrocious Collins) the Jazz still delivered a season that came down to the last game of the season.  And in traditional Jazz style, it ended with a loss.

But the dark times gave the rare opportunity to the Jazz for a franchise-changing pick, with which they took Deron Williams, who has blossomed into the best point guard in the NBA (which I have been mocked for claiming for the last 3 years because I thought unlike most point guards he was both a playmaker and a system manager and thus I found the completeness of his game, not necessarily his stats, made him the best).  Along with him came the rare free agent coup for the Jazz in Carlos Boozer (though like any omen in good fiction, the fact that Boozer screwed over the blind former owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers has come back to bite them in Greek tragedy form since Boozer is exceptional against every team in the league except the one team that prevents them from chasing a championship – the Lakers).

Well now the Jazz have found themselves down 3-0 to the defending champion Lakers, but no one will confuse this with an Atlanta Hawks/Orlando Magic 3-0 series.  The Jazz have played tough, made adjustments and had late game leads in two of the three games. Unlike previous seasons, at least one of these games should have been a blowout.  And watching guys like Paul Millsap and Wesley Matthews, the former a second round pick, the latter an undrafted rookie, play so balls out tough that it almost feels like it really is “how they play the game” that makes it a joy to watch.

The bottom line is the Jazz will not win this series with the Lakers. If they get swept then it will be the most competitivve sweep in NBA history.  But I will have no problem tuning in to watch the Jazz next year because as a basketball fan I love the way the Jazz play.  Throughout my life I have had people tell me that the Jazz are “boring.” Those have to be people who enjoy the dunks and the flash of the NBA, but do not love the sport of basketball.  To watch the Jazz play the game is like watching a hoops symphony.  The execution, the timing, the effort and the way players who play for the Jazz accept roles and work hard at them are all beautiful to watch.  And the architect of all this is Coach Jerry Sloan.

In 1998 when the Jazz lost their second consecutive finals to the Chicago Bulls I was crushed.  The guy who made me feel better was Jerry Sloan.  When he came to the press conference after Michael Jordan’s game winning shot he had such a matter of fact, “we’ll be back next year and don’t expect me to cry over this” attitude that I figured if Sloan could bounce back, I surely could.  And watching the Jazz play for Sloan’s tenure (over two decades – the most tenured coach in pro sports) has been a pleasure.  He takes players with high effort and high basketball intelligence and toughness and makes them good NBA players.  Watching Williams or Boozer blossom is not as big a thrill as seeing guys like Millsap. Matthews, Ronnie Price and Kyle Korver reach their max with Utah.  The Utah Jazz is the ultimate American meritocracy – if you can play the game and you work hard, you can have a successful career for Jerry Sloan and be appreciated by the fans.

But Jerry Sloan has not won a Coach of the Year (seriously 2003-04 should have been his) and the Jazz have not won a title.  Therefore the franchise and its players do not get the respect they deserve.  And every year I get to hear from my friends who either shift loyalties from week to week or, in the case of Knick fans, sit quietly waiting for their team to purchase big name talent (looks like their wait is finally over this Summer).

I obviously want the Jazz to win a title, but the truth is they have made my life as a fan really enjoyable.  They always put a good product, not just in talent, but in work ethic and execution out on the court.  I am honestly scared of the day Jerry Sloan decides to retire because I think that he may be the most valuable player of all to the Utah Jazz.  His system and his culture may be a bigger imprint on the Jazz franchise than any one player they’ve ever had.  A championship would be great, in fact it is part of my top two things I would like to see (along with a Guns N Roses reunion) in popular culture, but the kind of sustained excellence of the Utah Jazz, and the character in which they achieved such sustained quality may be even rarer than a championship.

But since I still want them to win a title and I don’t want to end this on too sentimental or gushy a moment – here are some things the Jazz must do.

1) Get a bona fide 6’10″+ center who can be a shot blocking and defensive force.  Cole Aldridge may be the only player in the draft who may be able do this (and he may be right around where the Jazz draft).  I’d avoid Greg Monroe if I’m the Jazz because his passing skills make him an enticing big man for the Jazz, but he will not be a defensive force and the beating his Georgetown team took from Ohio U makes me think he won’t help bring additional winning intensity to the Jazz.  As far as free agents Brendan Haywood is a free agent this season and I think the Jazz would be wise to see if he is the kind of character that could thrive in Utah.  However, if the Jazz have a chance at Evan Turner then you take him.  That is the only way I change this approach.

2) Try to keep Boozer, but not too hard.  The bad news – if we lose Boozer, Millsap fills in fine, but we lose Millsap off the bench so overall win total will be down 5-6.  The good news is that if that money goes to decent center play then we have a better chance against the Lakers.  Pick your poison – slightly worse against the rest of the league or better against the Lakers.

3) Re-sign Wesley Matthews and Kyle Korver.  Hard working people and the women of Utah will not forgive you otherwise.

4) Play as well and as hard as in 2009-10 and good hings will probably happen.  Until you lose.  Then look forward to 2011-12.  You know the drill.

1) 25,000 words into my book, which makes it the equivalent of one-third of a New Yorker article.  It is coming along nicely and I think I will reach my preliminary writing goal of having a first draft done by the end of the Summer.  The scorched earth sections of the book have not been written yet, but rest assured they will be in there.  I must say though, reliving deeply personal moments both in life and comedy is a pretty interesting experience.  Just remind me not to pop pills with any Olsen twins until it’s finished.

2) The Utah Jazz are in the Western Conference Semi-Finals.  I do not think they will win simply because the Lakers resemble a team of kids that has all the tall kids and no matter how good the little kids are they cannot compete with the height issue.  So my strategy is simple for the Jazz. In the first quarter of tomorrow’s game 1, when Kobe Bryant, or better yet, Ron Artest goes in for a layup – lay them out.  Playing basketball against Ron Artest, which I did once at a Summer camp when I was a high school senior, is a lot like prison – you find the baddest guy and you stab him in the throat.  Assuming there are no shanks on the Jazz bench I recommend getting someone either desperate enough or crazy enough to attack Artest and you lay him out.  The message is, we don’t fear you.  Real message – you should be scared playing basketball against us.  If he was not so old I could see Coach Jerry Sloan doing it himself.  I would like to see the Jazz win obviously, but the Lakers height is such a bad match-up.

And people who like the Lakers generally suck.  Celebrities, fans of glitz and fair-weather chumps are the main form of Laker support.  Anyone else in their fan base?

And the Pau Gasol trade is still the biggest theft/sweetheart arrangement in NBA history.  Shame on you NBA.

3) Going to Miami for a week on Monday.  I will try to write from there, but I will probably be too busy placing sunglasses on right before someone plays We Won’t Get Fooled Again.

It is obvious that Twitter and Facebook have served a marginal and useful purpose.  For example a Facebook “campaign” to get Betty White to host Saturday Night Live so Facebook has proven the power to get an old woman, who is mostly “funny” to fans who think it is somehow hip to find Betty White still relevant, on a show that should have been put out of its misery 6 or 7 years ago. 

People are constantly posing questions on Facebook and Twitter.  Questions with no real purpose except to get some sort of superficial flood of comments and responses.  To quote Sally Field, “They like me, the really like me!”  Whatever helps you sleep at night.  Look how connected we are!

Then there are the social groups, “1,000,0000 strong to fight autism” or “1,000,0000 strong to support gay marriage” or “1,000,0000 strong against Arizona’s immigration law”  Do people not realize that there is nothing weaker than a Facebook group.  It is the Washington DC representative of social media, let alone any form of activism.  I never thought we could move from wristband awareness to an even more useless form of awareness, but thanks to the activism of Facebook users, there is no limit to the empty support people can provide.  Activism was downgraded to “awareness,” which was downgraded to “support,” which one day will be downgraded to, “huh?”

But a new low was achieved – a law school classmate of mine died very recently.  So naturally, in our culture of private mourning her Facebook page has been cluttered with messages, that she will presumably never read.  But I am not hear to judge how people mourn, especially those that were very close to her.  I would just like to know what the person who wrote “what happened?” on her page was thinking.  Facebook is superficial for sure, but perhaps leaving a post it note on her tombstone would be the only dumber thing I could think of.

We mock past cultures who developed religious faiths/superstitions as clouded and ignorant, but what is our excuse?  We are so enlightened, yet we have inflated our own worth and value and opinions bigger than any religion has – we .  If Oscar Wilde was able to write a book about the era we live in, it would be called The Importance of Appearing Earnest – a place where texting donations, tweeting opinions and Facebook posting support for causes or mourning someone’s death have become surrogates for real humanity and life.  That’s it for today.  I could go on, but I won’t. 

One other thing – there are too many people on Facebook and Twitter making really bad jokes.