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Rock Bands have their own private 747s.  John Madden had his own tricked-out bus for his coast-to-coast travel during football seasons.  Well from last Saturday to this coming Sunday I have Metro-North and Megabus.

My Metro-North tour was a one night round trip to Stamford, Connecicut this past Saturday ($18.50 in total travel costs – already a win).  Great show, nice town.  Based on the Metro North clientele on both trips I would say that it appears financial services employees (on the way to Stamford) and their scantily-clad daughters or potential 4th wives (on the trip back to NYC) are the bulk of Stamford’s populace. Whatever the case may be, it was a great show in Stamford and really great to be in the black after a gig.

This week I finally feature at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia.  The club has a great reputation, but the one drawback is that I am not getting a room for the weekend (for more on the life of a feature act please rent Roots).  That means instead of being an Amtrak tour (the usual unofficial sponsor of my travels east of Chicago) it will be a Megabus tour, probably making me the only person, other than Megabus drivers, that commutes to and from work by Megabus.

For any fans in Philadelphia or NYC here is the “tour” info:

May 19th

345pm Megabus to Philly

800pm show

1047 SEPTA/NJ Transit

May 20th

345pm Megabus to Philly

8, 1030 pm shows

240 am Megabus to NYC

May 21st

345pm Megabus to Philly

8, 1030 pm shows

240 am Megabus to NYC

May 22nd

wake up and wonder what the fu*k I was thinking.

So tell your friends in Philly if they want to see a giant limp around on stage due to cramped Megabus seating they should check out a show at Helium this weekend (Thurs-Sat.).  And to Philadelphia – you are welcome in advance.

Yesterday I went to see Bridesmaids.  Before reading reviews of the film I was convinced that given its all-female cast (including Kristen Wiig, who has managed to be in a record-setting 117% of all Saturday Night Live sketches) and Judd Apatow association, the movie would be unfunny and extremely long.  Allow me to say I was wrong on the first part.  It was solidly funny.  Not great, or classic or even in the class of The Hangover or Old School (for my money the absolute best of the frat-ensemble style comedies of the last decade), but there were plenty of funny moments.  Sadly, many of the funny moments seemed Apatow-ish in the inability to leave the audience wanting more.  Several scenes, including one in which two friends compete in outdoing each other’s engagement party toasts, exhibit an inability to stop at three funny jokes and instead go for nine.  Like microcosms of Apatow movies which always seem to go on about twenty-five minutes too long, the scenes demonstrate that there can be too much of a good thing.  I won’t spoil the film, but I will say that it is a funnier movie than it is a quality movie which, for a summertime comedy, is probably more important.

But rest assured, just because I was not given enough from Bridesmaids to be angry about doesn’t mean that my movie going experience was a total wash.  I saw two previews at Bridesmaids that represented a new low for Hollywood.  The first was for a new film called Warrior.  Here is the trailer:

Every sport was around for decades before inspirational movies came out about it.  Rocky was 100 years in the making, Hoosiers was 40 years, but MMA gets its Rocky approximately 7 weeks later (rough estimate).  But given its rich tradition of 3 pay-per-view events and some backyard brawls on YouTube they are ready for their close up.  Granted, the movie is a genius marketing strategy (why wait for the sport to earn the movie, we’ll make the movie and bring movie people to the sport), but it is also obvious that the movie has to be a piece of sh*t.  Here’s why:

1) It tells you the entire story. Any movie that tells you the entire plot in the preview is a bad movie.  This is an ironclad rule that has been 100% accurate ever since the preview for Macaulay Culkin’s “Ritchie Rich.”

2) MMA is not inspiring.  Sports that take about ten minutes time to end do not have the requisite time build up for inspiration, no matter how heavy-handed the soaring violin music is in the preview.  Yo Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman doing the soundtrack for Bloodsport would not have made it The Natural.

3) Lights Out Syndrome – The movie looks exactly like someone copied the plot of the FX series Lights Out.  Although I liked Lights Out, copying a series that got cancelled after one season does not seem like a blue print for success.

The other notable movie preview was just flat out insulting.  It was for the new Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake tour de force – “Friends With Benefits.”  Here is the preview:

You may recongize this as a remake of a movie that came out 4 months ago:

Which was inspired by part of a movie that came out two months before that one:

Most geeks thought it absurd when The Hulk was re-made/re-booted a mere five years after the Ang Lee disaster.  Well, apparently the romantic comedy audience appears much more tolerant.  These movies pretend to flip the romantic comedy on its head and make it more modern, but it is the same story over and over again with the same happy ending (the modern exception being 500 Days of Summer, the best romantic comedy I’ve ever seen and the only known antidote for the poison that is the three above films).  I guess my weekly movie advice would be two things I did not expect to write: go see Bridesmaids, but skip the trailers.

I was going to write on a different topic today, but thanks to Comedy Blog Terrorist – “Bob Hellener,” there has been a change of plans.

For the past several weeks “Bob Hellener,” who claims to actually be named Bob Hellener, has been making comments on my comedy-business related posts.  Now I originally approved “Bob’s” posts because they seemed somewhat on the topic I was writing about (how feature work is dying as a way to make a living in comedy, which will inevitably change the landscape of live stand up comedy – or as comedian Josh Homer commented “the changing of the business of comedy will have a negative impact on the art of comedy.”  But along the way “Bob” began a middle school girl-style attack on me.  Normally I would have stopped the comments once they got mean spirited, but there was something so profoundly stupid and deranged about “Bob” – it became like reading a blog-equivalent of a horrific car accident every time he put fingers to keyboard.

One  of “his” bi-polar highlights wassuggesting that comedy may be going well for me if Patrice O’Neal requestedme as an opening act and then several comments later calling me an unfunny failure (hmmm Patrice O’Neal or “Bob Hellener.” who do I trust more when giving opinions on my comedy?).

Then there was the Single White Female-esque analysis of my website photos (I believe “Bob” referred to me as “fit, buff and trim” in my website photos).  “He” was claiming that I was deceiving the public with my photos (and perhaps personally violating the trust “Bob” felt with me in “his” stalker mind) even though the photo section is literally a progression of me putting on weight (my photos fromAtlanta have me at my current CC Sabathia-esque frame).  But there is no reasoning with someone who clearly hate-masturbates to your photos and YouTube clips.

“Bob” consistently misconstrued simple points I was making because there was clearly some personal motive at stake.  But I assume after a stream of 80 comments on a blog it was over.  But low and behold, “Bob” made a comeback appearance on a more recent blog post:

https://jlcauvin.com/?p=2387

As you can see I was called a failure with limited job prospects inside and out of comedy.  So, to be fair to “Bob”, before I permanently spam “his” comments I wanted to offer an opportunity to “Bob” to clear the air and perhaps offer me some pointers on comedy and even show me how a real comedian is supposed to perform.  So I am inviting “Bob” to Smith’s Tavern on Monday, May 16th for the show I co-produce with Jessie Geller.  It is a low pressure environment, very laid back, in case “Bob” wants to work out some new material – I mean we cannot expect “Bob Hellener” to always do the “Bob Hellener classics,” right?  But it would be great to meet the heretofore unknown and unseen “Bob Hellener” and to learn from a true master of the art form.  Working with some profilers, we were able to come up with the following pictures of what “Bob” probably looks like, depending on gender.

If a man:

And if a woman:

This Monday, May 16th at 830 pm at Smith’s Tavern 440 5th Avenue Brooklyn, NY.  The show is free, but given “Bob’s” “gainful employment” I am sure a cover would have made no difference.  So hopefully “Bob” can show up or I will know that “he” is a fake person and will just treat his comments as I should have originally.  As spam.  OH NO I DIIIIIIIIIIIN”T!!!

Yesterday I experienced a joy from an NBA game that I had not felt since seeing Paul Millsap drop 46 points on the Miami Heat In November.  I watched Kobe Bryant and the LA Lakers get torched by the Dallas Mavericks, effectively ending the Kobe Bryant, a/k/a Diet Jordan, era in the NBA.  The first joy was in seeing the Lakers lose badly.  If we cannot see video of Seal Team 6 invading Bin Laden’s compound, then I suppose seeing Jason Terry, Peja Stojakovich and Dirk Nowitzki (“an international coalition of the willing” if you will) destroy Kobe and Company is a good second best.  But the other part of the defeat that was so great was seeing the increasingly dirty and frustrated play of the Lakers as the game wound down.  First was Lamar Odom’s cheap shot on Dirk Nowitzki, a clear boiling over of the frustration of being the third Laker married to the third Kardashian (oddly, psychologists say that bronze medalists are often happier than silver medalists, but that wannabe Christian Bale, Scott, who is married to Kourtney, seems happier than Lamar).  Then there was Andrew Bynum’s mid air takedown of JJ Barea that will earn Bynum a suspension next season and a prescription of P90X, based on his jersey removal while leaving the court.  I was actually convinced that the game would end with Ron Artest running down the court on a fast break shooting Dallas Mavericks with a handgun like the opening scene in The Last Boy Scout.

Before analyzing the Kobe Era, a moment to reflect on Phil Jackson, the greatest coach of all time in professional sports (to never coach without 2 of the top 5 players in the NBA).  Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen never won without Phil Jackson.  They also entered their prime as basketball players as Phil Jackson showed up.  Ditto for LA.  Shaq, from 2000-2003, was the most dominant physical presence since Wilt Chamberlain and by the third title, Kobe had emerged as the best wing player in the NBA.  They also had Robert Horry, the most clutch role player in NBA history.   But by sheer volume of winning he has to be considered one of the greats.

But now onto the eulogy for the Kobe Bryant era because make no mistake, he is done being the top dog on a title team.  So if in the 2012-2013 season Kobe Bryant is playing with Chris Paul and Dwight Howard or some combination of star power like that, Michael Jordan’s legacy as the single greatest player/winner (all due respect to Bill Russell) is under no threat.  If Michael Jordan had joined the San Antonio Spurs instead of the Washington Wizards in his third career, those would have still been Tim Duncan-led titles.  But let’s not talk about Kobe’s inevitable and impossible quest to pass Michael Jordan.  Let us examine the Kobe era, which Kobe fans would have you believe spanned from 1999 until the day Kobe Bryant dies.  I would argue that, if I were generous, the Kobe Era int he NBA was from 2003 to 2009.  But whether you agree on these years or not, a reasonable person should agree that it is over now.

Kobe – The Early Years

Everyone knows about Lebron’s “Decision” but have people forgotten how Kobe refused to go to Charlotte and said he would only play for the LA Lakers?  Kobe fans like to mythologize or lie and pretend that teams “passed” on Kobe, but most teams were scared off by the threat of a petulant 18 year old to not sign with anyone besides the Lakers.  Lebron told Cleveland to fu*k off after 7 seasons.  Kobe told Charlotte to fu*k off on day 1.

Kobe – The Shaq Years

One of the keys to making the Shaq-Kobe alliance was Phil Jackson’s admission that he needed to handle Kobe with kid gloves for the early stage of his career.  That nursery school treatment of his fragile ego (ahem, I mean competitive fire) plus playing alongside the most physically dominant player since Wilt Chamberlain allowed Kobe to get three titles.  Shaq collected three Finals MVP trophies, deservingly so, but I will admit, that by the third title they had gone from 1, 2 to 1A, 1B.  But Kobe, like any Shakespearean or Disney villain, decided that after 4 straight trips to the NBA Finals it was time to make the Lakers decide between Shaq and Kobe (team first, right?).  So the Lakers picked wisely in the long run (I will admit) by sticking with the younger player less likely to pack on pounds.

The Kobe Only Years (a/k/a What Lebron took the Cavs to the Finals with in 2007)

2004-05 – 37-45 (missed playoffs, but beat a rape charge)

2005-06 45-37 (1st round loss to the Phoenix Suns)

Let’s not forget that the series against the Suns went 7 games and Kobe quit during the second half against the Suns (taking 3 shots the entire second half, apparently to prove that a shi*ty team would lose without it’s best player – very Jordan-esque).

The Pau Gasol Years (2006-2009)

Kobe finally got an All Star big man to compliment him again (but fortunately not to overshadow him).  Three trips to the finals (with another memorable quit performance when Paul Pierce took Kobe’s will and the decisive Game 5 in 2008.  By the way that same year Lebron led Mo Williams and Anderson Verajao 7 games against the Celtics in the Eastern Conference finals).  But then Kobe took the title in 2009 and 2010, but taken in the context of 2011 there are a couple of reasons why I think the Kobe era (as individual best player) cannot be reasonably extended beyond the 2009 victory (even though I personally think it ended the year LeBron won his first MVP in 2008-09).

First, look at the box scores of the 2010 Finals.  Kobe averaged 28 pts per game on 40.5% FG shooting.  Meanwhile, Pau Gasol, who led the Lakers in minutes that series and had to do battle with Kevin Garnett and Kendrick Perkins inside led the series in rebounding, blocked shots, was second on the Lakers in scoring and shot 48% from the field.  Not to mention that Kobe shot 6-24 from the field in the decisive Game 7.  Meanwhile Lebron, who was leading the squad of diabetically-fat Shaq & Co. had just had back-to-back Jordan-prime level seasons.  (Yes he got blasted from the playoffs by the Celtics and yes he appeared to quit on his team in the final game – making Kobe the 2-1 split decision winner in games quit), but based on many trips to Cleveland there really appeared to have been truth to the “Delonte West, or one of his personalities, fu*ked Lebron’s crazy mom” rumors.  Imagine Karl Malone had fu*ked Kobe’s wife in 2004 when he was “hunting little Mexican girls.”  I bet Kobe would have more than 2 quits under his belt.

But the Mavericks series that just ended really exposed the end of the Kobe era.  Admittedly his supporting cast played terribly.  But there was not even a fight.  The lesson – when Kobe has the supporting cast he can be a champion – this is true of any champion, so this is not a shot at Kobe.  But when Kobe has had underperforming supporting casts (2004-05, 05-06, 10-11) he lies down with the rest of his team.  He may get his stats, but unlike Magic Johnson or LeBron James, or obviously Michael Jordan, his stats do not necessarily make those around him better.

2009-Present – The Lebron James Era

I believe LeBron James is the most dominant player in the NBA and has been for the last three years.  The same way from 2000-2003 Shaq may not have been the “most skilled” player on his tea or the league, he was the single best player in the league during that span based on the simple criteria “no one can guard him or stop him.”  It cannot be understated how awful LeBron’s supporting cast was.  He took the equivalent of Kobe’s 2004-06 team (yes Smush Parker and Chris Mihm, but also Lamar Odom was on the team too) to an NBA Finals appearance and twice had the best regular season record in the league.  He left Cleveland ringless and in a poor fashion to say the least, but remove Kobe from the 2009/09 Lakers you have a 50 win playoff team (in case you doubt me from 2004 to 2006 Pau Gasol won between 45 and 50 games each year as the star for the Memphis Grizzlies).  Remove LeBron from a 66 win Cleveland Cavaliers team and you have… well you have the 2010-11 Cleveland Cavaliers.

Now LeBron decided to take his talents to South Beach, probably for two reasons.  One is that many people refused to acknowledge his greatness without the currency of championships.  Fair enough I suppose.  The other is he wanted to play with his friends.  Sort of lame in the Michael Jordan model of champions.  But neither of these things stop LeBron from being the single most impressive force in the NBA today.  And for the next several years it will be his league, no matter who they give MVP trophies to.

To put it into James Bond terms – Michael Jordan is Sean Connery, Kobe Is Roger Moore and LeBron James is Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig (in Casino Royale only) combined.  And yes, I think we need to acknowledge Tim Duncan here as a 4 time champion so he is George Lazenby.

Why Kobe is Diet Jordan

With the passing of the Kobe Era I feel it is time for me to acknowledge something out of Kobe’s control.  He grew up in the shadow of the NBA’s greatest player, playing the same position as MJ.  If he played small forward, or point guard or power forward there would have been room for him to carve out his own image and transform the position.  But playing shooting guard he just played out as the greatest Michale Jordan cover band of all time.  For example, if someone was a Whitney Houston impersonator in Las Vegas, they would have to have incredible vocal talent.  But they would still not quite be Whitney Houston.  That is how I look at Kobe.  He is better than almost anyone in NBA history (but I would have him behind both Jordan and Lebron), but his comparison is to the greatest and he is wanting.  Fewer titles, fewer Finals MVPs, fewer regular season MVPs (I am making this comparison because they have had equal career totals – comparisons with LeBron on career statistical measures is not realistic yet) more games quit and lower career averages.  Plus, all his copycatting of MJ and most awfully the “Jaw Face” is far inferior to “the tongue.”

So Kobe had a great career and was the closest thing we had to Jordan since Jordan.   But LeBron is a new mold of player – a sort of genetic hybrid, evolutionary step forward of Karl Malone and Magic Johnson.  Kobe was a descendant of Jordan and a worthy heir, but not quite as good as the original.  That said, if Kobe’s Hall of Fame speech is a list of people he didn’t like I will start booing and chanting “MJ!”

But in case you forgot, there is one other reason Kobe can never be as great as Michael Jordan…

As promised here is my movie of the week post.  Be sure to become a fan of “Righteous Prick” on Facebook.

Last night I went to see Thor.  Marvel is obviously running out of it’s top tier superheros (Spider Man, The Hulk, Iron Man, X Men – if I am wrong on any of these I don’t really care comic book nerds – I just know that Batman is DC Comics) so they have now turned to Thor – a character who is basically a Rider of Rohan equipped with a giant mallet.  In other words, if Gallagher were from Norway you would have Thor.  It doesn’t seem like it would make for a good comic book, let alone a good movie.  I am not familiar with the comic book in any way, other than knowing it exists, but the movie is barely passable summer entertainment.  But it still passes.

The Cast, The Director & Why Natalie Portman Should Give Her Oscar Back

One of the biggest positives of the movie is its cast.  Stringer Bell, Will Hunting’s professor, Hannibal Lecter and the Black Swan are all in this movie.  The star of the movie is a big Australian actor, who was presumably discovered at a Thunder Down Under show.  He is actually pretty good for what the movie is.  He is strong, has pretty good comedic timing and looks like Brad Pitt’s slightly uglier brother who lifted weights to compensate for being the uglier brother in the Pitt household.  I expect the actor, whose name is Chris Hemsworth, to pass Dwayne Johnson soon as the go-to-actor for underachieving action films.  That said, the acting is actually quite solid, perhaps because the director, Kenneth Branagh, is a famed Shakespearean actor and well-respected guy who probably uses the world “craft” to describe acting.

Sidebar – Kenneth Branagh

Quick moment – why is Kenneth Branagh directing Thor?  The man was nominated for several Oscars for Henry V 20 years ago!  He was even great in the second Harry Potter!  This would be like Jerry Sloan (Hall of Fame Utah Jazz coach emeritus – if you are not a regular reader of my blog) going to coach in the WNBA this Summer, but not even for a Spider Man/Seattle Storm level WNBA team – they won the title last year – I had to look it up obviously, but for a shitty WNBA team – presumably all of them that did not win the title).

But there is one noticeably weak performance/character in the movie – Natalie Portman’s astrophysicist character.  The last time I believed a female scientist less was when Denise Richards played a nuclear scientist in a James Bond Movie.  The difference is that the Denise Richards character, whose name was Christmas, provided one of the greatest lines to end a movie since Gone With the Wind (“I thought Christmas only came once a a year…”).  Natalie Portman’s character had no such value.  Her acting was poor, but to her defense, the writing of her character was even worse.  The only thing of value that she did was when she ran in slow motion in a tank top and the theater giggled with glee as we watched what was one of the benefits of Ms. Portman’s then early pregnancy.  But let’s discuss Ms. Portman briefly

Sidebar – Natalie Portman’s Oscar

There are two types of Oscar winners/nominees.  Those who are worthy “every year” of an Oscar and those that get “lucky.”  In the “every year” category are actors like Tom Hanks, Russel Crowe, Denzel Washington, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet – they always do good work and have confidence and taste that always has them trying to pick quality roles.  Then there are the “lucky” nominees and winners, which include people like Forrest Whitaker, Cuba Gooding Jr, Jamie Foxx, Kim Basinger, Marisa Tomei and now topping that list – Natalie Portman.  Her three movies after Black Swan have been a terrible romantic film (No Strings Attached), a terrible comedy (Your Highness – I was told it was terrible) and an action movie that appeared to have terrible potential (Thor).  This is not the career of someone with Oscar pedigree – they are the choices of someone who is desperate to work and got lucky with Black Swan, which called for someone pretty, small and pouty.  Based on that, Shaq has a claim for a supporting actor nomination from Blue Chips for playing a large, black, basketball player.

So my advice for acting nominations is that the Academy take into account the potential of the actor (or their track record).  DiCaprio has done a dozen excellent films, but is one Oscar short of Cuba Gooding Jr.  Matt Damon has never won an acting award, but Forrest Whitaker has one, which he followed up with the movie Vantage Point – one of the 15 worst films and performances of the last 10 years.  Giving Oscars to actors like Natalie Portman is the same as giving Ron Artest a citizenship award.  She may seem like she deserves it, but next thing you know she is face raking you at midcourt with No Strings Attached.

Visual Effects

The movie was filmed in New Mexico, but after the 18 minutes of footage that take place on actual land, I think the rest was filmed on an Apple computer.  As much as I wanted to roll my eyes at this, the truth is that some of the fight sequences were extremely entertaining, not in small part due to the underused villains – the Ice Giants (or whatever the hell they were called) who were cool and menacing.  But for a big time Summer movie that is heavily reliant on special effects, the effects were barely aiiiiight for me.

Overall Impression

If I had to give the movie a grade it would probably be around  C+ (although my joy in eating Goobers during the movie made me feel like it was more of a B- last night).  The star is good and the humorous moments in the movie are actually enjoyable (better than the tortured hammering you over the head style of humor in a Michael Bay movie).  But at the end of the movie I was just left feeling like “that’s it?”  There was no origin story of the superhero because he already has his powers.  The story of Thor is “how did this awesome hero come to Earth,” which is less interesting than “how did this average person become a hero,” which is usually the story of superhero movies.  To put it in non-comic book movie terms, everyone wants to see the sex tape that made Kim Kardashian famous, but no one wants to see Kim Kardashian talking with clothes on now that she is famous (ok, to be honest of course I do, but you get my point).  That is more the fault of the source material I am guessing, but they still made the movie so some of the blame lies with them.  If you can catch this movie for $6 in NYC by seeing a pre-noon show at an AMC Theater then do it.  Otherwise wait for Netflix or HBO.

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Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”  Well this may be true in love, but in comedy, my saying would be, “‘Tis better to have never been offered a gig, than told about it in what sounds like an offer and then told that it was not an offer, but just a check of availability.”  Not as poetic, so let me explain.

Over the last couple of weeks I have received two pieces of unsolicited information that I would prefer to have never received.  The first was from a comedian that I see occasionally at open mics.  The exchange was as follows:

Comedian:  Whoa dude you got fat.

Me: Yeah, I’ve been eating like shit for a while.

Comedian: No, but seriously!

Me: Well, I did not think it was that bad, but thanks.

Now there are a few problems with this.  For one, the dude is right.  Over the last couple of years performing on the road I feel like my physique has gone from Will Smith to Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  Two, I am a man so I could not get too defensive.  And three, when a comedian (not a profession known for its athletic physique and my critic was no exception) criticizes your fitness it feels like (as my friend Mick Diflo would joke) like a suicide prevention hotline operator has just told you that you are making good points.  So I did what any man with immense reserves of rage would do – I left the show, lifted weights for a while, declaring when I hit my target weight I am going to immediately jump off the scale,  find the comic and punch him in the face.

But this was just a personal example, only tangentially related to comedy, of someone offering unsolicited information that did not feel good.  In that case I did what I normally do with bad feelings – I let them stew inside and hope that they become triggers for positive results.  My second example, however, is a much more annoying example of unsolicited information because I have no outlet to turn the frustration into something positive.  Other than this blog.

A few weeks ago I got an e-mail from someone producing a web/TV comedy thing – basically comedians performing 7 minutes in a theater that will then be taped and dispersed in some on-line or syndicated format.  Most importantly it paid $1000.  The email provided all this information, other comedians that had done it and asked me if I was available one of the two filming days.  I was excited, mainly because it paid $1000.  A friend of mine who had done the show verified that it was a great opportunity, so I happily replied that I was available and would be happy to do it.

Then I got a phone call.

The phone call consisted of being told that they were just starting to compile their list of comedians, but they were glad I was available.  They also told me that they had just finished the “C’s” and once they got through the “Z’s” I would be informed if I was selected.

Huh?

Now comedy finds many ways to make you feel bad.  Contests, bringer shows, grueling auditions, auditions where the fix is already in, open casting calls where the fix is in, out of shape comedians calling you fat, etc.  The list goes on and on.  But in all examples, except the last one – you at least have to make the first step.  Even if you are baited or tricked or manipulated into joining a show or an audition for a contest with rosier-than-reality promises, you still have to make the first step, like the old Apex Tech commercials used to say.

But this was the first time a comedic entity had come for me to get me interested in something AND THEN told me, “nope, not yet.”  I now felt for the dogs I used to walk when I was in middle school and I would wave the leash at them to see their joyful reactions and then tell them, “Ok, after I finish watching this Darkwing Duck episode – haha!”  Why give me all the details and ask me if I am available on certain dates, as if I, God forbid, matter in the equation, only to then tell me – “OK you are in our top 5000, we will let you know when we have made our decision”?

Perhaps there wasn’t enough anger among comedians that week and the booker/producer just wanted to give me more fuel, but here is a novel idea.  If you are booking a show – come up with your list of comedians, then call them.  It removes annoyance and disappointment from the equation.  The unselected comedians (most likely including me) will never have been given false hope and the selected comedians will only have happiness without any anxiety.  It is as if the producer wanted to perform an Inception on me – plant a happy thought in the recess of his mind that we can then crush with newer and more relevant information.

So Tennyson may have been right about love, but he didn’t know sh*t about stand up.

NEXT BLOG – “Movie of the Week – THOR”  Check in Friday for it.

Sunday night I was at a comedy show in Brooklyn when I heard the news that Osama bin Laden was dead, apparently killed in a cross between a Call of Duty video game and the final scene in Scarface.  I just had no idea that the death of a terrorist was a reason to party.  There is nothing I hate more than terrorists, whether they be KKK members, Islamic fundamentalists or my ex fiancee.  But I can’t help but be a little uncomfortable with our boisterous celebration of death.  If this were an isolated incident I would not sound so sanctimonious about it, but our culture has become one that is far too ready to celebrate violence.

Now don’t get me wrong – bin Laden was obviously a villain, though I sort of feel like I did at the end of the movie In The Line of Fire.  John Malkovich was the villain and was killing nice people, like the chubby bank teller who “shouldn’t have been from Minneapolis.”  And Clint Eastwood was the awesome hero that I rooted for, but at the end I realized I would not hear any more telephone calls from John Malkovich.  I think having read so many brilliant books on Al Qaeda and bin Laden (The Looming Tower is my favorite book) I had a strong intellectual curiosity about the terror movement and its modern leader, but that said, his death feels like a deserved punishment.  And any amount of comfort that it can provide the friends and families of the victims of 9/11 is welcome.

I suppose I just would have preferred a slightly more muted response to the news.  Obama’s response was one of measured dignity and even the NY Post knew enough to just go with “We Got Him,” which is the NY Post equivalent of a lobotomized statement (I heard their first choice was “We finally fistfuc*ed that terrorist piece of sh*t!”).  But there seemed to be a celebratory feel to the people taking to the streets (especially young folk who, based on lots of Tweets and Facebook updates I saw seemed just happy for an excuse to party in front of the White House and tweet about it) that felt slightly inappropriate.  I am in no position to say what the response is, but if my parents were murdered and a jury delivered a guilty verdict (or the criminal were executed) appreciation and reflection would probably be my response before taking to the streets like the Yankees won the World Series.

But I think our country really just has a deeper respect and love of violence than other (civilized) nations.   MMA is our fastest growing sport, we restrict bare breasts in movies more than open bullet wounds and we party when a murderer is executed.  I just think it would be nice if our country could find a way to rally around something that doesn’t involve death.  Universal health care?  Incredibly divisive.  Protecting our environment?  Not a chance.  Tighter gun laws to protect citizens?  Not unless you want a bullet in your head.

So my advice for Obama is every time there is an important social issue that will effect Americans much more than killing a terrorist who was in his nursing home days, he should take a Republican into a steel cage and beat the sh*t out of them.  Americans do not respect intellect, reason, nuance or long term benefits.  They understand might and force.  That is what we respect.

The feeling I had watching celebrations and chants of USA was not unlike the feeling I had at a Pittsburgh Steeler game and when I heard a Caucasian Steeler fan next to me refer to the Cleveland Brown’s Josh Cribbs as a nigger.  I was still rooting for the Steelers, but I felt just a little uneasy about it for the rest of the game.  That is sort of how I felt, to a lesser degree, watching celebrations on Sunday/Monday.  This is a country where a quarter of the people question the birth of our president because he is African-American and millions slurred with him with the untrue (but not insidious on its own) claim that he was Muslim, but along with the immature twenty-something tweeters partying, these are the people now willing to give the President his respect (or at least some, because he killed a bad guy.  I just don’t feel like partying to celebrate death, especially when many of the partygoers are people that would not want to party with the President if he was not killing someone named Osama.

I gave up movies for Lent and successfully made it just over 6 weeks without seeing a movie.  This “accomplishment” startled my brother who believed that my viewing of movies was bordering on a crippling addiction.  But I did it.  And yesterday I saw my first movie in several fortnights – The Lincoln Lawyer.  I am not sure if it was withdrawal or not, but the movie was quite good.  It had various things working for it:

• Matthew McConaughey finally doing a good movie again.  He burst on the scene with the lead in A Time To Kill, and I suppose after doing 437 terrible romantic comedies he either made a conscience decision to do a good film again, or it was an accident and he thought the Lincoln Lawyer was about a lawyer from Lincoln, Nebraska who falls in love with Kate Hudson, but finds it hard to win her over because he is the only guy in Lincoln, Nebraska who never wears a shirt.  Either way – good choice on the movie.
• It has Bryan Cranston of Breaking.  After a year without a new season of Breaking Bad it was just good to see the dude doing his thing.  (Best show on television and anyone who knows me and has ignored this advice is stupid).
• It has Josh Lucas.  Anyone who can remember the preview for the film Sweet Home Alabama, can recall seeing that preview going, “Who the fu*k is that dude pretending to be Matthew McConaughey?”  They share the screen in this film and it is like the scene in Double Impact when the bad guys realize that Van Damme is actually a twin.

But the good cinematic times are not to continue I suppose because this Friday the ever-encroaching Summer movie season (seriously it used to be Memorial Day, but at this rate they will be releasing “Summer movies” on Valentine’s Day) begins with the 5th installment of the Fast and The Furious franchise, which is to movie franchises what Arby’s is to fast food franchises – a piece of sh*t inexplicably still in business.  Move over Police Academy and Saw, there is a new, awful franchise sheriff in town.

This edition, simply entitled “Fast Five,” but I think they could have called it “Quick Buck.”  The movie stars Vin Diesel, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Paul Walker, Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, and Jordana Brewster.  Jordana Brewster is appropriate as an ex girlfriend of Derek Jeter because the cast of this film sort of looks like a Yankees team form 5 or 6 years ago – overpriced stars whose careers are headed south.  And what about Michelle Rodriguez and Bow Wow?  Were the stars of the critically acclaimed Battle: Los Angeles and Lottery Ticket too busy for this reunion?  Always a bad sign when Michelle Rodriguez is too busy to do your film.

But let’s take a quick look at each cast member:

• Vin Diesel  – broke into Hollywood with a supporting role in Saving Private Ryan.  Has anyone ever had a greater disparity in first major film and rest of career?  It would be like if Matt Damon did Good Will Hunting and then immediately signed a lifetime deal with Tyler Perry studios.  Except Vin Diesel is a terrible actor.
• The Rock – there is no shame in being the best on the mic specialist in WWF/WWE history.  He could  make a lot of money doing that and he was great at it.  And he also had a decent first major effort (not counting The Scorpion King, which sucked) in The Rundown.  But his latest movie, “Faster,” was “Awful.”
• Paul Walker – very good looking guy.  Very un-talented.  Isn’t LA full of pretty people?  And there was no one that looked like him that could act a little bit?
• Tyrese – one of his hit songs when he was a model-turned singer was “How you gonna act like that?”  Good question Tyrese.  He may be best know as “Black guy in Transformers who says the “black guy stuff that Michael Bay likes to write into his films, like ‘Damn!’  ‘Shiiiiit!’ and ‘That is wack!’”* character.

* Not Another Teen Movie

• Ludacris – Who’d think that it would be Chris Bridges might have the best acting resume on this cast?  He was in Crash, a good movie (but also arguably the worst best picture of all time) and was also in No Strings Attached, which was not good, but might be the best 2nd best movie of anyone on this list.
• Jordana Brewster – hot if I worked with her in an office, satisfactory for a Hollywood actress (I file her under “Angie Harmon looking chicks with thicker eyebrows), but fortunately she has boatloads of talent on top of good looks.  For example, this is her third Fast and Furious movie.

Fast forward to Monday morning next week – I am reading the New York Times and see the listing of box office receipts from the weekend and it say $47.9 million Fast Five.  Congratulations America – hopefully you enjoy your reward for your poor choices and market influence – Thor opens up next Friday (I am not sure Thor will be awful, but it sure has the warning signs).

As much as  I complain about being a comedian (literally the lyrics of AC/DC’s “It’s A Long Way To The Top” feel like a diary of my comedy career), it is probably tougher being in musical theater.  I mean, first there’s telling your parents that you are gay, so that is tough in many cases, but there is also an embarrassing lack of integrity.  It seems, despite being a cherished art form in this country’s history, you can barely make a musical today unless it is based on a pre-existing work and/or if you have some marginal to well-known celebrity in at least one of the roles.  I am sure if I were a talented singer/actor I’d be sort of disappointed that the only things available to me were Fast and Furious The Musical or South Pacific starring Lil’ Wayne.  But Broadway musicals still have comedy beat in one aspect.  Because they charge so much per ticket, they actually require people to laugh.  At $10 a ticket, the joke is on us, at $150 a ticket the joke is on the audience if they don’t laugh.  In a modification of the old saying about banks “If you pay $10 to watch a performance and you don’t like it the performer has the problem.  If you pay $150 per ticket and you don’t like it, you have the problem.”

In comedy, we give our product away for free so often (often to no avail) that we have helped devalue it.  Sort of like women’s vaginas this decade.  A slightly revealed ankle in 1940 had more value than a fully exposed woman in 2011 because the market has been flooded with them (of course what I mean is that there has been a great advancement in the empowerment of women).

Part of the problem is that comedy shows can be very expensive with the drink minimums, but the percentage of the bill that goes to the comedy is the part that influences the crowd.  If the bill were 100% toward the show, there might be a different mentality, but when you are being served overpriced drinks, which account for no less than 50% of your bill, the mindset is “Man, that $15 dollar show sucked, and $22 for two drinks!”  There is no need for one to justify paying fifteen dollars by laughing extra, the way there is for a $100 ticket on Broadway.  It should be noted here that The Book of Mormon, currently on Broadway is an exception to this, in that you are unlikely to find any stand up comedy in New York funnier than that musical.

So the comedy business in many ways has contributed to its own status as the second lowest art form, just ahead of poetry slamming.  But I don’t think people  realize how emblematic of America’s capitalistic society comedy is, at least in one significant aspect.  The feature act, normally the middle act at clubs around the country, is like the middle class laborer in America.  And it is a fading prospect for steady work in comedy.

If comedy were politics then presidential candidates would talk about supporting the feature acts.  They are literally the middle class in comedy.  And like the middle class in America, the feature is important to keep the machine going, but wholly irrelevant when it comes to actual business planning.  For example, anecdotal evidence has revealed to me that 20 years ago feature acts were getting $100 per set (in many cases actually more than this during the comedy boom of the late 1980s).  Guess what features get paid per set today – $100.  Is there any job in America where making the same salary (not in adjusted dollars, but the actual same salary) for 20 years is acceptable?

Here is why feature work is important – it helps comedians get good the old-fashioned way – through experience at clubs in front of different crowds.  It allows emerging comedians to get paid and continue to work and it ensures that comedy will have an ever ready supply of comedians who have honed their skills doing actual stand up comedy, rather than by being in movies or on reality television shows.   I am only 8 years into comedy, so I have no illusions that I have enough experience to “tell it like it is” in comedy, but I have been travelling a fair amount and I am smart, so that is at least a start.  Here are two stories that will help you realize what I am beginning to realize, that the feature act is merely the Wisconsin public school teacher of the comedy business.

A year ago I travelled to Detroit to feature at a club.  The terms of the feature work were as follows: $300 for 5 shows, no hotel room provided.  To translate for non-comedians this is like saying: “We can offer you the job you are looking for, but there will be no benefits, the salary is 40% lower than the industry base rate and you will have to lick my ball bag at least twice a week.”  If an employer offered you those details you would  infer that the job was not actually available and you were being pranked or messed with.

Well I took the job because (like Americans who believe in the reality of the American Dream) I have a foolishly optimistic side of me that believes that by meeting different club owners and performing all over the country, sometimes at a loss financially, I will eventually become a better comedian and gain networking opportunities in the business.  So I went to Detroit by Amtrak (17 hours), stayed in a very cheap hotel and took Greyhound bus back to NYC (18 hours).  For that trip I netted $13.  It was one of the proudest moments of my career because I felt like I had just stuck it to the man.  But in reality I had done nothing but waste my time.  It felt like that moment when Jerry Maguire leaves his office and believes that many will follow him, only to find out that Renee Zellweger is the only one.  The truth is I was never wanted at the club, nor is any other feature act worth his salt who does not live in that town.  For the record, attendance for the weekend was well over 1000 people so I am pretty sure twenty cents per person would not have been a major business sacrifice to ensure the standard 1988 rate for a feature act (I just realized that my next sketch may have to be a UNICEF or ASPCA style ad for comedians – “For just twenty cents a customer, you too can ensure that this comedian will not have to be completely embarrassed at school alumni or family functions.  In the arms ooooooof an aaaaangel…”

Now don’t get me wrong there are definitely some club that get good comedians booked for shows and take an interest in the overall quality of the show, not just the headliner.  But there are still a lot of terrible emcees and features out there for sure – and the message is “who cares?”  The same way a majority of Americans vote with their wallets when push comes to shove, clubs and audiences vote with the headliner

But this post is not without a slightly positive story.  I was booked to emcee shows for Patrice O’Neal at the DC Improv, which I just finished up Sunday.  It turns out he had requested me.  That felt great, to have one of the current giants of stand up comedy request me because he liked the job I did last August when I opened for him.  But despite my high opinion of my own comedy (and it is substantial) I might not have stood out or have been as memorable as an emcee if other clubs around the country were lining up solid emcees for their shows.  This exchange solidified to me that clubs are not putting a premium on developing emcees and features (if I were making an American analogy – this is the outsourcing of products to China or India, based solely on cost, regardless of quality or customer satisfaction, i.e. even Apple might not use China if every fifth iPod were broken).  I have travelled many clubs and I have seen a good share of awful emcees and features.  This is a travesty.  There are a lot of talented comedians out there who are not given financial incentive to travel by clubs, and many clubs have no desire to book quality out-of-town comedians because it might cost $100-$200 more per week than the local guy they have do jokes (when he is not making the mozzarella sticks in the back).

The people who suffer are audiences who want to see good comedy and are not, much like my observation in my recent Charlie Sheen post, just the fame hungry buffoons that are multiplying like Gremlins.  The good fans then learn to pursue only well-established comedians they like or ignore the club when they book famous people who are not funny.  But the no name people, trying to make a name for themselves through old fashioned stand up are not bookable acts because the club has established a tradition of not consistently booking funny people for the “no name” spots.  It is sort of a chicken-or-the-egg scenario, did clubs get lazy or did people get stupid first, but either way, it is hurting the grass roots of comedy.   Specific comedians will always have fans, but the business will only truly thrive if clubs foster fans of comedy, not just comedians.

The other people who suffer are comedians.  It is becoming harder, both due to volume of comedians and lack of nurturing on the part of the establishment to make a living being a feature act. In fact it is actually impossible.  So, instead of creating a new class of headliners through old fashioned work and opportunity you have comedians trying to become YouTube sensations or focus more on acting (www.YouTube.com/JLCauvin).  That way, when they have the fame, it won’t matter how good their stand up actually is – they will be headliners.   Simultaneously more and more headliners bring their own opening act, which further cuts down on opportunities for “freelance” comedians if you will.  Now I have seen a couple of comedians bring their own feature because they are dominated by insecurities and want to know the level of the feature so they can assure themselves that they can surpass it, but a majority bring their own feature because they do not seem to trust the clubs to book solid people in front of them.  And why should they?

I have been told that a few years ago some comedians in NYC tried to start a Union for comedians.  I guess it failed because you would need to have exactly the things that are lacking in America today:

1) The upper class would have to give a shit.  Bill Burr, Chris Rock, Dave Attell, etc. would have to be on the picket lines along with everyone else.  But they, rightfully so, would feel that they have paid their dues (some in a much more encouraging time for stand up) and would probably not.

2) People outside of the industry would have to give a shit.  Probably wouldn’t happen.  Not while Adam Sandler and Tyler Perry are still successful filmmakers.

3) Comedians would have to accept that the America Dream is a fantasy and not a blueprint of success.  Better pay and a higher standard of quality for emcee and feature performers would have a good impact because for a majority of comedians this is as high as they should aspire to.  It is not mathematically possible for all features to become headliners.  But if people continue to think that the corner office and the Greenwich house will be theirs eventually then they will never fight the fight that they are currently losing.  That is why so many blue collar people seem to be anti-Union and why so many comedians don’t seem to give a shit about the highway robbery that is occurring.

We have a society now where news organizations care about ratings above information, where companies care more about stock prices than workers and products and a comedy business that only cares about comedy when it is convenient.  Hopefully some of these things change.  This just in – I was just told that for my upcoming gigs in New Haven, CT I will be receiving a hotel room.  That was fast.

I would admittedly never pass up an opportunity to say something bad about Kobe Bryant, and his usage of the word “faggot,” which was caught on camera during a Tuesday night basketball game gave me a good opportunity.   It was a heated moment for Bryant who had received a foul call and speaking about a referee said “Fucking faggot.”  On a somewhat related note, Nick DiPaolo once said, “Any white guy who claims to have never said nigger is either lying or never bet $1000 on an NBA game.”  So passion and poor words are not a novel connection in sports or comedy.  In response to the incident Bryant said:

“What I said last night should not be taken literally.  My actions were out of frustration during the heat of the game, period.  The words expressed do NOT reflect my feelings towards the gay and lesbian communities and were NOT meant to offend anyone.”